How to Raise a Healthy Family in a Modern World - How to Raise Godly Kids in an Ungodly World, Part 1

A few things are as hard today as raising a family, but raising a healthy family feels almost impossible.

I mean, like it takes a miracle. If you want some straightforward, practical answers of how to raise a healthy, thriving family, stay with me. That's today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this daily discipleship program, motivating Christians to live like Christians.

I'm Dave Drouy. I'm glad you've joined us as we continue our short series, How to Raise a Healthy Family in a Modern World. Well, today Chip jumps into the book of Psalms and unpacks some biblical practices parents can use to better guide their kids in this ungodly world. And if you're looking for deeper insight into this important topic, keep listening after this message to hear some practical advice from Chip.

You're not going to want to miss what he has to share. With that, let's get to today's program as Chip begins by posing a very important question. The question I've been given is, what counsel would you and Teresa pass on to parents and grandparents? And you know, we don't have like 50 years together, but what I can tell you is this, is that if there was one passage I would go to, and this isn't the passage like Deuteronomy 6 about what and how to do it, and it's not even in Ephesians 6 about specific action items, but I think there's something about how we think about being parents. And I put it on the front of your notes, Psalm 127, of all the things in Scripture that have framed my thinking and Teresa's thinking, because there's some values here.

I want you to follow along as I read it. It says, unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good. It is useless to work so hard from early morning and late at night, anxiously working for food to eat, for God gives rest to his loved ones. So all I want you to know, those first three verses, you kind of get this idea that your activity, your activity to build something, your activity to protect, to protect your children, your activity to work and all your energy and make something happen.

The first three verses are, unless God is in it, it's to no avail. Of all the things, I didn't grow up as a believer. Teresa didn't grow up as a believer. We came from parents who really did love us, but pretty dysfunctional in terms of the alcohol and the background. What we knew, and I think it was a blessing, we knew that we didn't know how to be the kind of parents that God wanted us to.

We knew we didn't know what we didn't know. Here, dependency, just realizing no matter what you learn, how many books, how many videos, what schools your kids go to, at the end of the day, the most important principle in all parenting is that you need God. Your kids need the hand of God and the favor of God.

I've watched my wife for now 40 years on her knees before God and us together before we go to bed at night asking God, begging God. By the way, I will tell you that all four of my grown children walk with God. They all have married well. They're all raising their kids in a way that is far better than we did. Teresa and I can't take credit. I want you to hear, this is not from a couple of experts that have it all together. This is from a couple people that didn't know what they were doing, that begged God for help.

I will tell you this, though. We believe that God's word, this is how you become a mom or a dad or a grandparent. We got around people that would help us, but what we understood was God builds the family.

God protects the family. The second three verses are maybe the biggest value point. Children are a gift from the Lord. They are a reward from Him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior's hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them.

He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers in the city gates. In our day, children are not seen as a gift. Sometimes they're seen as a liability or a nuisance. We don't want them to interfere with our life. We want someone to babysit them or take care of them.

This is the other big value. First is, only God can work in their heart. As a mom or a dad or as a grandparent raising kids, all that we can do is create the kind of environment that the Holy Spirit, through the word of God, through great relationships and other people, can help our kids become what we long for them to become.

In fact, better what God longs for them to become. The second, though, is that there's a sense of, it's a stewardship. Our kids are a gift. They're precious. This is the most precious gift God will ever give you. He says that there's this process that they're not just a gift for your enjoyment, but it's like a young warrior.

Notice that it's a picture of these arrows. In other words, these children, our goal is to launch them into the world. Our goal is to help them discover why did God make them and what did he make them to do and how do we help them discover their gifts and how do we give them a passion for the things of God that in the world and all the problems that our children would go out and our children would make a difference.

And then I love this at the end. It says, when he's old, he won't be put to shame. Had a special little thing here at the church and bumped into one of my sons and I got to talk with him about, you know, his family and a couple of his little ones who were around. And you know, I just, I was asking him a few questions about this message and I just was listening to him and he was telling me, Dad, I think it's harder now to raise kids than any other time. And he said, you know, I don't think parents, you know, I don't think they're aware of the exposure of what's happening to some of their kids and the level of intensity and the level of energy it takes in our day to really be a great parent. And what I realize is is that I'm now, I'm now learning from my kids about how to parent and better how to be a grandparent. Well, as you turn the page, if we only had, say, 20 or 25 minutes to have coffee and you said, you know, there's a lot of books, there's a lot of techniques, there's a lot of great things I can learn about parenting, but if you had to kind of boil it down, something very easy to remember, Chip, what would you and Teresa say to us about being an effective, about being a godly parent or grandparent? See, my goal, I want my kids to be positive and I want them, quote, to be successful and in a certain sense, but I titled this message How to Raise Godly Kids in an Ungodly World. And so here's the three questions that have shaped our parenting.

These are the ones that now with my grandkids, I'm asking these same questions. But question number one is this, what is my number one goal? As a parent, ask yourself, what's your number one goal? What do you want to see happen more than anything else? What really matters?

You only get one goal, what does success look like? If you're a parent, you're asking yourself, what's my number one goal? What, as far as it depends on me, what am I asking the God of the universe, the God of the Bible to do in my child's heart and life, what's my goal? And the answer is in Ephesians chapter six verse four, I've put it in your notes. Phillips translation says, fathers, do not overcorrect your children or make it difficult for them to obey the commandment. Bring them up with Christian teaching and Christian discipline. I want you to put a line under, don't overcorrect them, put a line under, bring them up, and then I want you to put a box around the word teaching and a box around the word discipline.

And let me just say, this isn't an accident. Notice it says fathers. Fathers, you have an instrumental role. You are the point person in your family.

You're the person that is morally responsible for the outcomes and you do it together with your wife. And those of you that are single parents, you need us as the church. But fathers, here's the temptation, don't exasperate or don't overcorrect. Don't be a picky dad. Believe me, my kids understand what that looks like.

But the second is the positive, but bring them up. It's a very interesting Greek word. It means to rear, to nurture.

In the ancient Greek language, it meant the physical development. Later it came to be known the full development emotionally and spiritually of a child. So in other words, my number one goal is not to overcorrect, but I want to bring them up so that they spiritually, emotionally, and physically become all that God designed them to be.

And first and foremost, what that means is, you don't parent out of fear, you parent out of focus. You say, you know something, what's my number one goal? I put it this way, my number one goal is for my kids and my grandkids to be holy, to be Christ-like. In other words, it's character. I want my kids and my grandkids, regardless of what school they go to, regardless of how much money they make or don't make, regardless of anything else, what I know is they will be happy, they will be successful if they're godly, if they walk with God. And that takes incredible intentionality and incredible hard work.

I call it the principle of focus. And here's the question all of us have to ask, and no one's immune in this room. Do you want God's dream for your child, or do you want the American dream? What matters most? When you begin to think about what school they go to, what college they attend, what sports they play, what opportunities they have, who are their friends, is the filter in all those decisions what will help them spiritually and morally develop and become a man or woman of God? Or is it about prestige?

I mean, you know what? It's fine if your kid makes a traveling team unless the environment on the traveling team is moving the whole family and your child away from God. You know, it's fine to be a great musician. It's fine to get into a great school. But if the focus of a child is I'm only accepted, I'm only valued, and where your real goal is that they be successful, that they be happy, here's what I'm going to tell you. I can't tell you the number of parents, grandparents, single moms, single dads that I have wept with and talked with who their kids are successful. And they went to great schools. And they're very musically talented and often very athletic. And they are far from God.

And they're far from their folks. So let me ask you, what's your goal? I mean, what is your goal? And then if that's really the goal, if your goal is to help your child at whatever age, you know, whether they're 2, whether they're 12, if they're 22, if they're 41, they're still your child. What's your goal?

You still have a relationship. My goal with each of my grandkids, my goal with all of my adult children is how can I help them really walk with God and know Him? And notice I'm given two things, Christian teaching and Christian discipline. Basically, there's two things we have to offer, our words, teaching, and discipline, our actions.

And it looks different. But when they're 2 years old, there's certain things you say and there's certain actions. When they're little, you know, 8, 9, there's certain words and certain actions. When they're teenagers, when they're young adults, when they get married. But God wants us to know that He's given us instruction as parents, as grandparents. And so you start off as telling them what to do.

And you're the teacher. And then pretty soon you realize if they're going to get their own values, you start asking more questions. And then pretty soon you transfer more and more responsibility as they're teenagers.

Then they're young adults and they're making their own decisions. And you kind of go from the teacher to the coach to the counselor. And then you get to where I am and I'm just a consultant now.

Seriously, I don't give advice, most of the time, unless I'm asked. And I pray for those opportunities. And you build a relationship and you stay connected because this is the number one goal. The second is not just what's my goal, but what's my number one role. Of all the things you can do for your kids, of all the things I can do for my children and my grandchildren, what's my number one role? Paul writes in 1 Corinthians chapter 4 verses 14 to 16.

I'm writing this not to shame you, but to warn you as my dear children. Even if you have 10,000 guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For in Christ Jesus, I became your father through the gospel.

Now notice this command. Therefore, I urge you to imitate me. I call this the principle of modeling. My number one goal is to be the kind of example that my kids would say, I want to live the kind of life that I see my dad living, that I see my mom living.

Now by the way, don't hear perfection. But I want to model what it means to be dependent. I want to model what it looks like to drive your car with the Holy Spirit living inside of you. I want to model what do I do when I blow up in anger. I want to model what's it look like to care for the poor. I want to model what's it look like to honor God with my money, to become a generous person. I want to model what do I do under pressure. I want to model what's it look like when the future's uncertain. I want to model what's it look like to trust God when your mate gets cancer. I want to model what's a step of faith look like when God whispers in your ear and he calls you to move across country or change locations or change jobs. I want to model what it looks like when there's a relational problem in the family and you don't want to have one of those hard, hard conversations. And I want to model this sense of, oh God, will you give me the grace and then calmly and lovingly say some very hard things. In fact, I want to model what it looks like to have someone say some very hard things to me that I don't want to hear and all my defensive flare up and then just by God's grace put them down and look into the eyes of one of my kids or my wife and receive the reproof that I need. Imitate me. See, all the research is telling this.

You read the reports like I do. Sixty-eight percent of children from Bible believing evangelical homes five years after they leave your house out of high school, almost seventy percent of them don't walk with God. Let me give you the three reasons why people lose their kids.

Number one, the most fundamental one is this. Their kids don't see the reality of Christ being the center and the passion and the core of their family life. They can bring them to church. They can send them to a Christian school.

They could even write a check. But what they don't see is a mom and dad whose life is centered around the Word of God. They don't see people that sit around the table and talk and share hearts. They don't see people that are saying I don't know what we're going to do. This is a big problem.

Let's all get together and sit on the living room floor and let's pray about this together. They don't hear their mom or their dad talking about you know what, there was someone at work and they're going through a difficult time and I think we need to take some of our money and we need to help them. Faith is more caught than taught.

They pick it up. But it's not just your positives. They also need to see modeled what do you do when you mess up. It was a very foreign concept to me. I read a lot of books and I wrote my thesis actually at Dallas Theological Seminary on the role and responsibility of the father in transmitting values in the family. But what I knew is that I didn't know how to be a dad and I thought if I have to write this big long paper I should tackle the most important thing you know as a dad. And what I learned in that is the role of the man and the role of the parent and what we're called to do when we mess up we need to own it. And it was a foreign I mean a foreign idea that let's let's just say just hypothetically of course that when my kids were small or when they weren't so small and they did something that really bothered me and I told them don't do that and absolutely it's kind of crazy but they did it again and did it again and did it again. And then in my effort to really help them understand I don't want you to do that I came out said if you do that one more time I'm gonna right you know and then their little eyes get this big and they're scared to death and and then I had this overwhelming guilt. I'm sure none of you ever struggle with that but what I realized was what they did was wrong but how I discipline them was just as wrong or more wrong. What do you do with that? What do you what do you do when you blow it as a parent? What do you do when you blow it as a grandparent? Here's what I can tell you. I had to learn over the years to when they were small to get down on one knee and look in their eye really get their attention sometimes grab their head you know and I would say their name and then I would say when you did this I want you to know that you disobeyed me and it made me very upset or I chose to respond that way and what you did was wrong and I forgive you but I want you to know that the way I talked to you in fact the way I yelled at you God spoke to my heart and he told me that was very wrong and so will you forgive me and we started that very very early and you know it's an amazing thing to see a four-year-old kind of look at you and go I forgive you I said oh thank you and then normally I would I would sit down when they were small like this and I'd have them climb into my lap and put my arm around them and we would pray together and actually some of the times where I disciplined my children or I confessed my sin to my children were some of the precious times and you know what they learned they didn't learn their dad or their mom was perfect what they learned was my heart's desire is I want to be holy and loving before my God I want the life of Christ lived out in me and so that's my number one goal for me my number one goal for them you've been listening to part one of ship's message how to raise godly kids in an ungodly world he'll be right back with his application for this teaching from his series how to raise a healthy family in a modern world as many of us know raising a family these days comes with lots of challenges and raising a healthy Christian family is becoming increasingly more difficult to do so what hope do moms and dads have through this short series chip unpacks how parents can create a home that's built on love respect and most importantly the Bible don't miss the ways you can establish a well-adjusted countercultural family that may look odd to some but truly honors God now if you happen to miss any part of this series the chip Ingram app is a great way to catch up anytime well chips joined me in studio now and chip in this short series we're focusing on the importance of creating a healthy family would you take just a minute and share why this is such a crucial issue for you and what Living on the Edge is doing to practically support parents in their roles absolutely Dave as my mentor used to say family is the basic unit of society in God's eyes and that is so true if the family gets divided if the family gets fractured and it is today then everything else breaks down and I know it's hard to be intentional as a parent it's hard to keep you know you want to love them and you want to set boundaries and you want to affirm them and you want to be fair and so we've produced a set of cards that all I can say is I wish I had them when my kids were young it takes the five or six areas that as a parent you always want to be emphasizing and you take like five cards and just read them over just read them over you know don't even try and memorize them and what happens is you become aware and intentional about affirmation about being fair about the five or six basic things that as a parent you always want to keep in front of you and as you do that what we've seen is God uses this to help parents be proactive and intentional instead of reactive and if there's ever an area where we need to build our relationships deep and strong it's in our parenting Dave maybe you could tell them how they could get these cards thanks Chip well if you're wanting to be more deliberate about your calling as a parent or grandparent let me encourage you to order a set of our intentional parenting cards they cover 10 specific ways to help you be the mom or dad your kids so desperately need to order your set of intentional parenting cards just go to livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003 that's 888-333-6003 or visit livingontheedge.org app listeners tap special offers well Chip at the very end of your teaching today you repeated a phrase multiple times you said I want to model I want to model I want to model now why is modeling an important principle for parents to practice regularly well Dave you hit it right on the head I said that with great intentionality you know not only from scripture but my background is in psychology and what we know is the number one way people learn how they learn to talk how they learn to handle their anger how they learn their etiquette or eat around the table how people learn everything is first and foremost the most powerful way is modeling we're imitators our kids imitate how we talk they imitate how we respond to something that's unfair they imitate our love for God and so here's what I want to say to people we must be what we want our children and our grandchildren to become okay I mean the question I really wanted to ask an answer is how can I help my kids and grandkids really walk with God I mean to really know him the first thing it sounds so elementary but it's really walk with God in fact all the research that we did when we found those 70% of kids that walk away from the faith yeah they may have gone to the youth group they may have gone to church they may have said a little prayer around the table what they didn't see in almost every case was a mom or dad who is passionate about Jesus that it was a 24-7 relationship that the Bible wasn't some rule book but it mattered it was a love letter that they they saw their parents deeply engaged now don't get me wrong modeling is not the end-all there's a lot of parents that love God that model that and their kids still make some very bad decisions but we cannot impart what we do not possess people say well how how do I really walk with God I want to make sure they know it's about life it's not about religion and so the little acronym that we've used here at Living on the Edge is bio B I O the B stands for come before God daily you have to have a intimate personal relationship daily talking to God in the word and being a part of a great church the I in bio is for in community none of us can live this life alone I need close friends that I study with share with hold me accountable love me just for who I am and then the O is on mission 24-7 not just like serving at the church but as a dad or a mom or a person every moment of every day with my antenna up saying God how do you want to use me where are their needs how do you want to love someone through me today and when bio becomes a part of your life there's a joy and a love and attractiveness that causes your kids to want to imitate you that's a good reminder chip thanks well just before we close I want to quickly remind you about our mid-year match if you're benefiting from the ministry of Living on the Edge but aren't yet on the team there's never been a better time because between now and July seventh every gift we receive will be matched dollar for dollar if today's your day to partner with us go to Living on the Edge org or give us a call at triple 8 3 3 3 6 0 0 3 that's triple 8 3 3 3 6 0 0 3 or go to Living on the Edge org app listeners tap donate and thank you in advance for your generosity we'll join us next time as chip wraps up this series how to raise a healthy family in a modern world until then this is Dave Drewy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge you