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Real Love in Real Life - The Secret to Real Romance, Part 2

Living on the Edge / Chip Ingram
The Truth Network Radio
February 18, 2022 5:00 am

Real Love in Real Life - The Secret to Real Romance, Part 2

Living on the Edge / Chip Ingram

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February 18, 2022 5:00 am

Are you in a relationship that’s frustrating? Maybe a relationship that’s not going anywhere? Or has gone in a direction that you know isn’t good? Chip reveals in this message that God’s interested in your love life. Yes, you heard that right. GOD’s interested in helping you find the secret to real romance.

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Are you in a relationship is frustrating.

Maybe your relationship is not going anywhere, or has it gone in a direction that you know is I want you to know there's hope. God is interested in your love life. God wants to give you a great intimate relationship with that special person that's will explore today stay with thanks for joining us for this edition of living only a shivering druid drips her Bible to this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christian or in the middle of our series. Real love in real life. This program continues comparing two distinct models for building a lasting relationship explains why one works and why one fails every time before we begin, let me encourage you to try using chips message notes while you listen to contain his outline scriptural references and much more to download these message notes just go to the broadcasts Listeners Fill in notes that here's the second chip stock.

The secret to real romance. Ephesians chapter 5 verses wanted to not put the text in your notes. The first half of that book, he tells us who we are in Christ and how precious we are. How loved we are what is already done for us. You are a son of God because of Christ, and that you are adopted, and he cares for you and it doesn't matter how you look and he actually wanted you to be exactly the height that you are with the personality you have with eyecolor that you have with the personality you have had.

He actually likes you and you don't have to be this skinnier this hard body to where these," he loves you just the way you are and by the way, that is the key to experiencing great love with other people because until you understand how deeply loved. You are you will try and find that love and make someone else. The completion to make your life work and it always ends in disaster and so he says therefore be imitators of God, how is beloved children and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us and offering and a sacrifice to God is a fragrant aroma to pull out of town to ask you just make a couple observations. This will really help you put a line under where it says be imitators of God, just put a line under and above the right command.

Number one, there's two commands in this passage the word is mimic literally its command mimic God doing relationships with others what God does to you mimic now notice I want to put parentheses around the next phrase is as beloved children supporter and so I'm to mimic God come to love the way God loves in relationships with other people, but I'm to do it to someone who's already dearly loved and accepted and precious by God command number two underline walk in love, walk in love, to command. Notice that the line becomes up next describes what it means to walk in love, just as Christ also loved you (round so command number one and imitate God. How is someone who is deeply loved and accepted just for who I am, command, number two, I'm to walk in love walk is a choice.

Walk is progressive walk in step sometimes you fall down, but I walk how just as Christ loved me the rest of the verse says will. How did Christ love us, who gave himself for you to picture of and all the port of all time and all humanity. God so you he saw me and when Christ was hanging upon the cross. He died in your place, and in my place to pay for your sin and that he rose from the dead to prove it was true. To offer spiritual life. Just as were physically born to offer a spiritual birth in a new relationship with God? He does it to God as an offering to sacrifice. When Jesus was praying through for those of you with little Bible background member, the garden of Gethsemane. Did he emotionally want to go to the cross. Yes or no emotionally. I can hear you know so he's agonizing life he understand separation of the father. He understands across the understands of thorns nose is getting a beat with an inch of his life. All those things but he looked at you and he looked at me and here's what love is. Love is choosing to give another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost.

That's what he did and see the changes your relationships is not how I feel she meeting my needs are things going well in our sex isn't as hot as it used to be.

He's gained a couple pounds unit is a really difficult with her kids. Right now there's a lot of pressure in her job. I don't think she I don't think he's run the right person. I think were growing out of love and and and and those are feelings and those are movies playing in your head. Love is a commitment, love is a choice to give another person what they need the most. Not when they're being good when they deserve it the least at great personal cost. Now notice if I could take all this passage and put it in four steps like Hollywood formula, it would look like this number once become the right person. That's what God thinks become the right person. If you have your Bible or mobile device open up to Ephesians chapter 4 because it says therefore right says therefore be imitators of God, you need to look behind it because what is going to say is there certain attitudes that you need to get rid of that are poisoned in relationships enter certain attitudes that are like gods that will transform relationships so notice Ephesians 4 pick it up with me in verse 31 it says get rid of what all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice any of you ever struggle with having some of those attitudes, actions or words not your mouth, in your relationships with the opposite sex. I do when you get hurt, get rejected when you're confused we feel betrayed anger, bitterness, slander, start telling other people malice how to get back at him notice.

Look at verse 32 but be kind to one another, compassionate or tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgive you when he says mimic God, he says, become the right person you become a person that's kind what's kind. You do nice things for other people just to bless their life compassionate.

That means your tenderhearted and you walk in the shoes and empathetic and you understand where they're coming from and it's not demanding about what I get.

That is how I give when they blow it your forgiving is not that you become a doormat is not that you're doing that and there's boundaries.

Of course, but when they blow it just like you blow it you don't hold it against him to get on the table and you forgive them mimic God. Here's the deal, here's it's wonderful that God still for those of you that are divorced and not in a relationship for those of you that are single and not in a relationship for those of you that are 13, 14 or 15 thinking I'm not exactly sure what all this is about but my parents are to be good idea for me to sit at home this right and I can hear him saying I know a lot more of what this is about this guy thinks which is actually quite true. You don't need to be in any relationship to become the kind of person who mimics God, let me ask you this if you found a person to date.

That was kind, compassionate, tenderhearted others centered and forgiving when you blew it with that sound like a pretty good catch. That's, that's a different set of qualities then man she looks good and tight jeans I love him in a tight T-shirt or he drives a Ferrari that's really different is and see the finances you the people that are really kind and very loving and forgiving and godly yes who they're looking for they're looking for other people that are very kind. Love think right so the way to get the best is to become the best. You need to become what you want and you can work on that every day that's what the greatest thing I do for my wife every single day is pursue passionately my relationship with Christ so I can become more like him as his spirit creates in me through his word and community. The living Christ in me the second thing is, rather than finding the right person you be come the right person and that if you don't fall in love. You walk in love. You walk in the so it's a choice we defined it is you got it yet.

Love is giving another person. What what they need the most. When they deserve it the least at great personal cost.

See what I can tell you is I didn't know any of this. I never picked up a Bible till I was 18 and I did. I did the whole deal.

Hollywood's way into I was in my early 20s and all the fallout all the mass get it okay and I got married and I and our relationship. We really did do God's way. So I thought it's God's ways can be great can be awesome. What was for three months really awesome and I found out that I needed to walk 11 Patrice wasn't to meet all my needs and I didn't know that if you're the son of an alcoholic, you become the rescuer in my antenna was always up everywhere how I help how I rescue because I feel good about me when I rescue people and she had this little like that said I came from a difficult home and then I got abated by this guy and he was selling drugs and ran off with another woman and I got these two kids and I'm looking for help will we were a match made in hell and I don't mean that as a cuss word. I mean, that is a description and so we both love God, we got married will three months in she really doesn't want me to fix her because that's all I can do and I really am. I'm really pretty struggling with some of this dysfunction.

It was really attractive because Sonny Neil at work were merely 36 months and now I'm in seminary now in counseling. The best money. The best time ever spent why because you can only walk in love as a dearly loved about the word.

Beloved, we don't use a lot. Think about this walk in love, as someone who feels God's love and acceptance pouring over your mind and your heart and your soul.

So, at some level you don't care what anyone on the whole earth thinks about what you think what you wear what your body is like because you are so precious and so loving you or someone sign for someone's daughter, and he made you special and when you get that now, instead of needing you can give. And so I had to learn how to do that but a lot of it was me. I made her nuts, she made me nuts and she tried to fix me. It did not work so I tried to fix her did not work. I talked the couples are going through really hard times it a go something like this. Well, if she would boom boom boom boom. This will be okay will I would do that, you know, if you like. Pick up stuff around the house and met for got married we like used to have sex and outs kids and stuff and work in pasting pressure and NNU before we got married you he did silly stuff like open the door and Johnny notes he call me. I'm just thinking of you. We talked for an hour and 1/2 on the phone. Now I can't get into text me back and he wants to make love or you can boom boom boom boom and you know what someone has to stop and see what unlocking keep asking what do you give me an MI fulfilled its Hollywood someone steps up and said you know what we can break the cycle. I'm so deeply loved by God in the midst of all this, yet we probably need to get some help would probably need to get some good counseling. We probably need to get a small group with other people. There is messed up as we are because everyone is messed up.

They just don't admit it and we can help one another and I'm going to choose to give my mate. What they need, even when I'm not getting anything back because once that happens cycle breaks hearts get tenderized restoration curse. The third is not only become the right person and walk in love, but you fix your hope on God and you seek to please him to this relationship to see if the heart about of all of Hollywood is narcissism coming. We will be nice to people will do things but there's always a sort of all do this if you do that all act like this.

If you do that, I'll give this to get that bed never to sustainable and then when you put your hopes and dreams on this person and then things break apart devastated God's the only one that can make this work and until your whole with him you don't have the ability or the capacity to really love there's a couple of professors in Seattle Pacific and I teach a course that everyone takes this not required. It's about love and relationships and how to find the right person and there's no notes. You don't have to take any notes you have to come to class and they come thousands of them, but they read this statement at the first class and everyone has to memorize a statement in the go over every week and then they teach people about how this works less and Leslie Parrott right if you attempt to build intimacy with another person before you done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the wholeness that you lack an end in disaster.

But we could have if you're like one of those old-time tent meetings that I've seen on TV. I think can I get a testimony right, we've all done this heavily. We've all done this were trying to find someone to fix these holes in us and see if you if you decide you know what, no one has the power to do that. I don't care who they are, what they look like they will always let you down because they're human just like you let them down in the paradigm is on to become the right person.

I'm gonna walk in love with my heavenly father so I can choose to give what only he can give me time to fix my hopes and dreams not on this person because again, let me down. But this marriage I want to be as much as I want to be fulfilled and that would be a nice byproduct. I want this to be an offering to God.

There's been times in my marriage that this even as a pastor. It was like I don't want to stay in this marriage. This is too hard.

I'm too frustrated mean in a nice way she makes me nuts. We had so much stuff to work through and we needed all the counseling a little bit more and since then we have read so many books and listen to so many things on going away on weekends you like his word desperately needed to learn to laugh.

Learn how to love God and to love each other but you know what it did it sustained us through the little hard times and stained us through the years three through six to sustain this with baby in diapers when you didn't have much time to sustain this winter.

Some of her teenagers were going crazy and then would empty nest. It was hard for me. I was real excited about my wife is all discreetly losing our kids and ministries that witness what all, seasons they have difficult difficult times.

And God wants you to know if you could grasp that in a fallen world.

You will always have difficult times, but if you become the right person. If you walk in love and you set in, fix your affection on him. He'll take the difficult times like a piece of sand that rubs the wrong way in the oyster of your heart and you create a pearl and you end up if you persevere like I've I've had a window that I never dreamed was possible intimacy in the marriage that I have is beyond anything I dreamed every area of my marriage is better than I thought it could be an and every area that you can imagine. We struggled in and then the best we could.

Out of all of our dysfunction week we tried to model for our kids. This is the direction to go.

And they they grew up and I said you know what I think I'm to do relationships God's way and they found makes that love God and other raising kids like this and adult kids want to be around you. It's like you kidding in his will tell you the rewards that God has for you are beyond your wildest dreams and the great majority of people in the great majority of Christians bailout too soon to early because basically you can believe in this stuff and these are just magazines can't watch five Netflix movies a week and watched three reality shows and it just seems like all the action is out there. The fact the matter is this interesting research. Those who walk closely with God, pray together as a couple are in God's word on a regular basis, and worship together divorces in the low single digits. It happens very rare and then this is researching someone have to do this. I thought I would you know where the hottest greatest sex is in America is not in the singles at all monogamous couples with deep spiritual values and commitment to one another. You know why because sex wasn't designed to quote just have a physical experience when there is a spiritual connection and a connection of the soul in the heart and the mind and when there's two people doing life together coming together physically is a celebration and God says the marriage bed is holy, not dirty. It's holy in the something that happens even if current research about it in a man's brain. Certain things happen inside our brain that allows us to come down as were with our wives in intimacy that allows a depth of sharing God's plan is you become the right person you walk in love, you set your affections on him and when failure occurs.

Repeat steps one, two and three, and it will meet does anyone think Teresa and I ever have an argument.

Raise your hand from Allah. Of course, does anyone think that she disappoints me or I disappoint her and we hurt each other's feelings.

Yeah so in the old days. What I did was Mendocino what this is what she's doing when she changes then and she was going well in Ottawa all change when you change because it was all about finding the right person following 11th and now here when that happens I go back to step one.

The grammar actually isn't just become the right person. It's literally not just imitate God. The grammar is demonstrate yourself as imitators of God and I go back and were having a conflict. It's a choice and I say, God, this is this is not I'm not happy.

So what you want to do in me. What is it about me as a man, what is it about me as a father. What is it about me as a husband that you want to change that needs to change as I can I try like ears change her that's not the work I've got zero control of her hundred percent makes I go back to step one I wanted become the right person.

Something I own. I mean even even if in my perverted little heart is 90% earn 10% me under my 10%, and repent is probably 6040 is probably me the 60 but I'm deluded like you is what we are and on the walk in love to give her whatever she needs and I don't feel like she deserves it and I'm going to choose to do that. Not even for her.

I'm doing it for you and I will tell you power forgiveness breakthrough. I come from a non-Christian home little Christian exposure.

I thought born-again evangelicals. Whatever whatever the term is a people actually believe the Bible on a personal relationship with Jesus. I grew up thinking your word is nuts. Okay until I saw it lived out and then I watched how the world lives and I thought you not to. I've always been at least shrewd.

Maybe not smart but shrewd and and if you're shrewd what you look at let's see 50% chance round one. It won't work 75% round to you and I don't know if I can afford to be on a diet and have a hard body. The whole rest of my life. This is a lot of work that doesn't work for almost anybody. I'm probably not in the 1% of the gene pool, you may be God's way does little better right. It's all want to take everything was said about God's way of doing relationships and put a little pyramid if you are single or if you are divorcing and feel like there's a freedom to pursue a relationship. If you are a widow Nebo if you're married, you can save how my doing at this here is where you want to start the issue is not that she looked good and tight jeans or does he look good in a tight T-shirt and where what's he drive the issue is spiritual. Is he a godly person is she a godly person, integrity, character, that's what you're looking for number one, regardless of if the little you know. Electricity goes through your head you can hold off on that. Secondly, you want to see him in a social situation with no dating you to see how they treat friends and people. When you go out and you hang out and you seem a worker seen with friends.

You seem socially so they don't put on there like I'm trying to get you face the moment you start dating you paint your face. He paints his new play game third then you want to really get to know the person more the Hon. psychological profile was on the Internet you want to get to know his heart. Her heart dreams personality 21 kids finances, you will really get to know them all the research tells us that before 1960. The reason that there were so few were divorces.

Is it people took a long time at a slow road toward relationships for number reasons. Number one, there was taboo of getting divorced. Number two. There wasn't contraceptives or acceptance of cohabitation and so you realize if you get a relationship you get pregnant and you're stuck and so people took a long time to figure out is this the right person, they'd evaluated 1969 the reform of the loss change was no-fault divorce pretty soon.

Cohabitation went from a thing that people should never do what you are believer or not to its normal to accept it.

So people slide into relationships they slide into relationships now they feel trapped. Now they have a baby outside this is not the right person that I took me to nap years to find out is now getting a divorce so you want to know this person then you, hold back those emotional feelings and as God gives you green lights and you clicking on the motion and then are you ready for this, as these things line up you can't read okay you get married and then the spiritual and the social and the soul and the connection and you don't just have sex you make love and the angels in heaven, and the God of heaven, far from being dirty says this is a holy and pure thing and so when your kids are small and ask about sex you tell him, absolutely. It's a wonderful gift from God limited preteen you say yeah.

Pretty soon your bodies can be changed because God is preparing you for something very wonderful and then when they're teenagers you you talk about sex and how the sacred stewardship it is and why and you what you train your kids you given God's prescription early on, all the way. You be glad you did know that little pyramid that I gave you I did for number of years a divorce recovery program in our church and 80% of the people would be people that were not Christians, but they did divorced and they found that this is a really good place and so they would come and so I thought showing him that pyramid and what they ought to do would probably not go over well. So here's the one that I show them up. Don't just don't think she paper to put up and I said hey you know you probably think I'm a pastor and I'm gonna really shove Jesus down your throat and tell you people know how terrible you been what you need to do and I said actually I'm I'm pretty new. I just became a Christian, you know early adulthood Lemme just talk about relationships.

This is how I learned to do relationships and just when we walk through this I learned the relationships I was looking for hot girl and you maybe you too and you not go to bars and then like most of you probably within the at least a week or if not, then I can hook up and you have get involved sexually or at some level, and then pretty soon you have, you know, the dropping of 30 points of IQ and have these overwhelming feelings of oh I'm in love and I'm loving you don't then you can't get to know him and sometimes it start to get to know her and you go all my lands.

She is so hot there's zero between your ears right over the sky like he is a hunk and I mean he's in the self worship he kisses his own biceps all the time coming. He's a narcissist.

I mean it just it's it's like sickening being around him. He looks good from a distance and so you go what not the one for me. So what do you go back fishing, physical, emotional, and then you find someone. Hey we really cannot really connect and for many people, he already started living together and then you know you get socially around his friend, your friends, even family and then you usually move in together and you do it for three months or eight months or year to what is it about all the celebs and all people at some point there is this sense there's more to marriage than just cohabitation and having kids and sharing jobs is like because God is putting the DNA it's a spiritual moment and where they want to do the call people like me and said, would you marry us right and so I asked him in the divorce recovery. How many of you did relationships that way like I did some hands and then this was before Dr. Phil, so I feel very proud of myself at this moment I said let me ask you so how did that work for you were in the divorce recovery class and they're going it didn't. And so I did. I said okay. Are you already is on she paper is it ready 123. Turn the she paper over in a setting of the pyramids were made like that. They probably wouldn't be here today and I said look at look at how to make this is God's design. If you really want help. First get right with God. He loves you and go on this journey and transform your life and for some of you that's the message he has, in fact, when you get a couple just to go, thoughts, and will wrap things up here through four quick questions. Question number one. Sort of an honest moment between you and yourself which triangle most represents your approach to building lasting relationships with your merit or not. If you are honest, don't tell anybody which one Hollywood's regards. Second, what would your present and/or future relationship look like in which what you want to look like God's Hollywood's third of what specific steps you need to take to begin implementing God secret to lasting relationship and let me do a little coaching here.

If you're an uninvolved single what I mean is you don't, you're not in a deep relationship. Don't do the dance don't do the little thing the little you know go through that process. Hold your emotions back we'll talk. But until the green light comes on. Second, if you're an involved single you're dating someone or maybe your living with them right now will encourage you to take that trying to say where are we, what, what's what we skip what we need to do to get this relationship work really functions the way we wanted to.

And God wants it to. If you're married, I encourage you to sit down over a couple coffee this afternoon and can look at that triangle look at each area discussing how do you think were doing a scale of 1 to 51 maybe not so good. Five awesome how we doing in spiritual, social, emotional, psychological, and we please talk to ladies first. Do not use this as a club kick member you can mimic God kind, compassionate, forgiving see if someone says I'm sure glad we went to church. I finally got to go when I gather George with me spiritual. You know I got news he's never going to ever hear the guys on payment. Finally someone talk about sex. What I would try to get through this is kind of hard to bring up the incident. Well, you those other four things really important. Let's talk about the top of this and how are take that sheet of paper in a couple coffee and so you know something we all struggle let's let's just talk. What were you since were at with the gentleness and what would it look like to maybe just maybe you choose area that we could make some just baby steps toward an all choose an area we talk about what it would look like to live before God to be kind to each other to forgive each other to make progress work and help you discover inside outside of marriage. How to know with absolute certainty, love, and the different swing love infatuation will be right fish this message. The secret to real romance series real love in real life. Every relationship, whether it's inside a family, marriage or friendship dating couple has issues to overcome through the series chip will address the struggles that impact every relationship and unpack what real love should look like. Discover how to better communicate handle conflict, and even be more romantic with your spouse.

If you're ready to deepen every relationship in your life and be better at giving and receiving love in the series is for you.

For more information about the resources for real love in real life just go to or call us at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003, or app listeners tap special offers before I come back with some very specific application about today's message. I just want to remind you that you're listening to this because some very caring and loving individuals have sacrificially given to the ministry so that we can pay for the airtime, so we can create the programs, and so we can minister you and you know in those early times as you listen to the program. We are delighted to just make it available and we are thrilled of the team.

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The Bible is very clear that when we receive spiritual ministry to us. We have a responsibility to help financially fund those who teach in minister to us and what I want you to know is we use all the resources to go right back into the ministry we want to help Christians live like Christians and so if you been benefiting from the ministry and you've never given or you've given now and then and realize maybe God wants you to be a part of the team. Would you consider today partnering with us you can do it anyway. God lead you, but would you take that next step and be a part of getting Living on the Edge and what God's doing through it to the lives of many more people think strip is partnering with Living on the Edge as an idea that makes sense to you.

We'd love to have you join us helping Christians live like Christians will change the world we live in, to give a gift, call us at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003, or if you prefer to give online, go to that's app listeners tap donate. We appreciate your generosity as we wrap up this program. I realize that I've given you a pretty radical very different way of thinking about relationships of finding that right person. In fact, it's not me is what the Bible actually teaches.

And I want to speak to three groups. If you're an uninvolved single number. Do not dating anyone right now but you sure hope you will be someday or you're an involved single. In other words, your you're in a relationship. It might be supertight or you might be just exploring it that you're dating a person regularly or third year your widowed or divorced in your thinking. You know, while Lord I hope there's someone for me. I just want to encourage you to pause and ask yourself what model are you following the unconsciously what I see is people who love God with all their heart, just follow the worlds pattern and they find themselves in a relationship and this the person may even verbalize all you I love God, or I believe in God but it's not deep it's not real and the relationship is based on superficial and external attraction. And there's just Harding down the road and the relationship doesn't work is so let me encourage you to follow God's pattern it. It's so refreshing and I have to tell you over the years I have met with scores and scores of people and had more emails than I could imagine and letters of people who said that change my life. The pattern I had of meeting developing relationship with the opposite sex brought heartache and death, and although it was very hard. I became friends.

I did life God's way.

I became more the right person rather than just looking for the right person and it change my whole world. There's few things I could want for you more than finding the right person and find them in a way where there's not heartache and pain and regret and crossing boundaries that cause damage in the future. Here's what I want you to know God's got a great plan for you. Let me encourage you to go to our website and whether it slows sex lasting relationship.

Or maybe even finding a group of people that wanted to the small group resource we want to help you find the person that God has for you, and to do it his way to take advantage of the series chip just mentioned, go to special or on the chipping remap. Whether you're single, married or dating, love, sex, and lasting relationships will help you understand romance and relationships from God's perspective and live a life full of genuine love and intimacy. So let me encourage you invest some time in the series, love, sex, and lasting relationships. It will change your life will until next time, this is Dave Drew saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge

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