Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Learning How to Stop Stress Before it Starts, Part 1

Deadlines, flight delays, traffic jams, crying babies.

What all these have in common? Well, for most of us, these situations cause stress. And under stress, our emotions can go astray. Today we'll learn how God can help you stop stress before it starts. Stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram.

I'm Dave Drouy. Thanks for joining us as we continue Chip's series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Now in this program, Chip talks about the connection between stress and anger and shares some practical ways to reduce anxiety in your life.

Now this is very down to earth advice you'll want to put to use right away. But if you're looking to get even more from Chip's teaching, let me encourage you to download his free message notes. They're designed to help you study alongside Chip as you listen. Find these notes under the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org.

App listeners tap fill in notes. Now with this talk, learning how to stop stress before it starts, here's Chip. Ephesians 4 26 says, it's the good summary of anger in scripture. Be angry.

That's a command. Yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, lest you give the devil a foothold or an opportunity. So your anger quotient talks about the environment that you're in. Certain environments raise the possibility of anger. Certain perspectives that you have either increase or decrease your relationship with anger.

And it's all tied into no matter what your environment or perspective obeying Ephesians 4 26. I want you to circle the E, if you will, and I want to talk about your environment. I want to talk about the environment that can allow you to be either more angry or the environment that can cause you to be far less angry. And I want to read just a little section. My teammate, I've never teamed up and done a book with someone before, and it's been kind of fun to get a woman's perspective and especially someone that's worked with so many people. She's a practicing psychologist and counselor, and she did this experiment, just a couple paragraphs. She said, one day I decided to keep a mental log of all the times I felt angry. I wanted to know how often I got angry and what I got angry about and what triggered the anger.

I encourage you to try this too. The results were surprising and quite humbling. I was shocked at how often angry feelings came to the surface. Prior to consciously counting these episodes, I had mistakenly assumed that anger was only an occasional visitor to my emotional arsenal.

I was wrong, very wrong. I had to be honest about my feelings of anger, frustration, and actual inferior, infuriation. I had felt either flits or fits of anger at not being able to find my favorite socks, running out of milk, the kids taking too long to get ready, the slow driver in front of me, the long wait at the pharmacy, the sword that was closed on Monday, having to put gas in the car, the price of the gas in the car, the long line in the slow service when I got gas in the car, the kids leaving their clothes on the floor again, the computer freezing on me again, and I was only halfway through the day. Though some of these feelings could describe fleeting frustrations, when I was honest, far too many of them were actual anger.

Then came another humbling lesson. I realized that most of the day-to-day anger I experienced was all about small, insignificant stuff that I face all the time. When I stopped and looked at how often I got angry and what I got angry about, I had to admit that it happened too much and too often.

Then I took a further step. I asked, what is it that contributes to the anger of my day-to-day life? And the answer was surprisingly simple. Stress. Stress. The relationship between stress and anger in my life isn't unusual. The more pressured, burned out, overwhelmed or busy that you become, the more your anger will lie at the foot of your feet, ready to explode at any moment. The key to lessening our anger is our ability to minimize stress.

Final line. The more stress we're under, the more likely it is that anger will make its appearance. Our goal is to reduce stress. And so I want to just encourage you in our time together, I'm going to be really, really practical, not an outline.

I'm not going to go to all kind of different texts. I basically want to give some practical wisdom about how to reduce stress in your life. I am a type A personality. I have been a workaholic.

I have been characterized by being driven. And I've pastored anything from a member church of about 35 people where 34 of them are related. That produced a lot of stress to six or seven thousand people coming through the doors every six or seven days and a very large staff and big budgets and being totally overwhelmed. And so all I want to know is I understand what it's like and I just want to walk through some very practical ways that people far wiser than me and many things that I've experienced that might help you.

Number one stress reducer is eliminate hurry. John Ortberg went to teach at a large church in Chicago and has since gone back to California. But when he was ready to take that big step and it was a big, big, big church and he was going to be the teaching pastor with a team of guys and he met with Dallas Willard and he said, you know, you're a wise man in the things of God. You've written books on the spiritual disciplines.

What piece of advice could you give me as I take my family into all this responsibility and all this pressure and all that I'm going to face? And he said, you know, I got my pin out and he said, I'm going to take lots of notes and this is Dallas Willard and he's going to, and he just, he leaned back and he looked at me, he said, ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. And I said, okay, yeah, okay, good.

So, no, he said, that's it. Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. Speed and godliness are incompatible. Speed and peace are incompatible. Hurry and loving others is incompatible. Hearing God's voice and hurry are incompatible.

Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. And I heard that at a time when our church was going through some significant growth, a capital campaign, a building campaign, someone mistakenly took a couple of the messages and stuck them on a local radio station and then some other station, put it on some other station and that started down the road and to say that I was under pressure and living a hurried life would be an understatement. And I think there's times in our life where God will give us a message that is so for us that the entire trajectory of our future can be changed if we'll just obey that one word for us in that moment. And I remember thinking to myself, and then Orttberg is a tremendous teacher.

If you've never read any of his books, I just highly recommend him. And so I remember deciding I'm going to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life. I mean, I was the guy, you know, the plain door. It's leaving. One more person's getting on.

Ingram gets on. Okay, sits down on a briefcase. Got to do some work. You know, I mean, doing this, you know, getting to minute a meeting one minute just before it starts because you can't be late, but got to do five things just before you get there.

Multitasking all the time, you know, talking on the phone, answering email on the computer, and three other things if I could. And he gave some practical ways to do it. And so I went into training. I literally went into training.

I took some of the suggestions. Number one, for two years, I drove in the right hand lane at the freeway. I mean, it was just gonna drive in the right hand lane.

I'm not gonna be in a hurry. I'm not gonna count how many cars go by in the toll lane. If I get in this lane right here, I think, let's see, one, two, three, four, the yellow car got in with me, and oh man, I should've picked that line. You know what that tells you about your mindset? You must be really, really important. You must be so important that you have to get wherever you're going that matters so much more than everybody else. What I realized, my hurry was rooted in arrogance and what he called grandiosity. My being overextended was rooted in my grandiosity. For all the right reasons, doing really pretty significant things for God, I had come to believe unconsciously, it wasn't willfully, that I'd become indispensable. I had to be everywhere and do everything, and I had to hurry, and the more of it I could do, the more God would be pleased.

I also went into the discipline of when I went to the grocery line of going to the longest line instead of the shortest one. It's painful. But then I just, hey, how you doing? Good. So you shop here often? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. You? No, I just come, you know, my wife sends me for stuff and I pick up what I can remember.

It's usually the wrong brand or something. So do you live around here? You know what happened? I started relating to people again. Pretty soon the knots in my stomach when I was driving, because I always had to, you know, I could tell you when you get off this ramp, if you go in the left-hand lane for the first two and a half miles, then if you go to the right-hand lane, because the exit comes this way, then you get back in the right-hand lane, then you could, I mean, I was always in a hurry. And I began to slow, slow down, slow down, slow down.

And it's really amazing that just the quality of life. I did something weird. I always tried to figure out how, let's see, they say you have to be there, this was before 9-11, you had to be there so, you know, like an hour before flights, and so I would just, I mean, everything was down to the wire. And then I decided, you know something? I think I'm going to get there an hour and a half early, sometimes two hours. And I'm going to get there early, and I happen to like a very good cup of coffee. I'm going to get a very good cup of coffee. I'm going to put my feet up. I'm going to think about what's going on. Think I'm going to spend a little time writing in my journal. I'm going to thank God for some of the people in my life, maybe return a few calls. I think I'm going to call some people while I wait that I just, have you ever just opened your phone and just thought, I wonder who haven't I talked to lately?

Not for no reason. Bob. Tampa. Probably get a voicemail, that's okay. Hey, Bob. Beep. This is Chip.

You know what? I'm sitting in the airport in Dallas, and I just want to remind you God loves you, Bob. And you remember two years ago, when we had that little meeting, you came to my mind today. I love you. You are a friend like few I've ever had. And hope you're doing well today.

God bless you. And I just started doing some spontaneous, non-urgent, not having to get it done, eliminating hurry from my life. Now, do I have some regression now and then?

You bet. But it, I still get to airports early. I don't always drive in the right-hand lane all the time. But I, for a period of time, I just got that, I got to get their attitude out of me. And it made a huge difference. I read a poem that many of you will recognize. And it was about that classic, slow me down, Lord.

And then after it, there were some observations that we made. When I'm in a hurry, I don't notice the flowers blooming alongside the road. When I'm in a hurry, that just seems to be more irritating drivers on the road than normal. When I'm in a hurry, I don't strike up friendly conversations with those around me. When I'm in a hurry, I avoid people, places, and things that take time and energy and effort.

When I'm in a hurry, I pretend not to see the person behind me in line who only has a few items when I have a cart full of groceries. When I'm in a hurry, my heart pounds and my muscles are tense and my mind races. When I'm in a hurry, I rush through the day and I rush by people. When I'm in a hurry, I don't ask people how they really are.

Or if I do, I don't stick around to hear the answer. When I'm in a hurry, my devotional life is a task to get done instead of a time to treasure. When I'm in a hurry, I'm abrupt with people. When I'm in a hurry, it feels like life is a race to be run.

When I'm in a hurry, I get angry more easily and more often. When I'm not in a hurry, I enjoy my food more. When I'm not in a hurry, I smile more and just feel calmer. When I'm not in a hurry, life seems to be a lot more enjoyable and less stressful.

When I'm not in a hurry, I'll ask about others, about themselves, how they're doing, and I actually like hearing what they have to say. When I'm not in a hurry, my times in prayer are more meaningful. When I'm not in a hurry, I think I'm actually a nicer person, more thoughtful and kinder to others. And when I'm not in a hurry, I'm more patient, loving, understanding, and tolerant. When I'm not in a hurry, things just don't bother me as much. See, we can talk about anger and the ABCD, and it's a secondary emotion, but your AQ, your anger quotient, will be determined by your E, environment, plus your P, perspective, times your willingness to obey, Ephesians 4.26. So eliminate hurry. Second is downsize your expectations. Most of us try to do too much too soon, and we feel overwhelmed, and it puts us under pressure, and because our expectations are so high and we're under pressure, then anger bubbles out.

Most dramatic experience ever. And this is not sort of my biography, but I just want to tell you how life really works. I think sometimes people get up and they come to a place like this, and so people think you're way smarter than you are, way more holy than you are, and all of us are exactly the same, ordinary people with regular ups and downs. And in seminary, I had a conviction that my wife should be home with our kids, and that was a really important conviction because that meant I needed to support us and go to school full time, which was really hard. And so I would get up at about 4.30 in the morning and study Greek until 7, catch a carpool, and in the carpool I'd go to work from, let's call it work, I went to seminary from 7 until about 4.30, and I would either read or be in class 100 percent of the time, come home, play with the kids, eat dinner, go to work at 6.30, get home at 11, do it again. So I was under lots of pressure. And where I went to school they wanted three years of Greek and two years of Hebrew, and it wasn't always that it was so hard, but it was just so much to do.

And I remember a guy that became a great mentor and a friend for the last 25 years was Howard Hendricks, and actually went to school to be around him. And I'll never forget one day he had a group of us together and we were kind of whining about our lives and demands, and he has this funny, you know the problem, don't you? No prof, what's the problem? The problem is you guys don't get enough C's. What do you mean? You don't get enough C's.

He had this funny way of always doing like this with his nose. And C's, what do you mean? Yeah, you're a bunch of smart guys here, you came from schools where you're smart guys, and you think getting A's is where it's at. I got news for you guys, God doesn't care whether you get A's.

Secondly, no one's going to look at your resume, whether you got A's or not. You're competitive, driven, carnal guys, get some C's, love your wives, have some fun, you know. And so I was involved in ministry, and I was involved in working, and it was like someone just took the expectations and said, and I wasn't probably near as smart as a lot of guys, but I was always like, I was one of those students who could figure out what was going to be on the test. So I always got really good grades. I'm just kind of street smart, but I'm not like super academic. And I said, okay, this great class, zillion hours, I got to read all these books, I'm supposed to have all these, let's see, let's see, 2,000 words memorized and all this, and that's worth 10% of my grade.

And when I get out, a computer has all those words somewhere. So okay, 10%, that gets me from 100 to a 90, not going to do that. And then this other thing you're supposed to read this, this, this, and that, but I want to learn to do the exegetical work, this, this, this, that's what will help me be the man God wants me to be.

I'm not doing that, that's only 5%. And so I started to go the last couple years, and I would go to professor and say, I just want you to know I'm not sloughing off, it's not that I don't care about you, it's not that I don't think what you're doing is important, is that all these words are in a book. When you like do the little quizzes on the vocabulary, I won't do well. I'm not even going to try. I'm starting your class with a B.

Okay? And I just bought myself seven hours a week, and it'll probably make me a better dad, a way better husband. And I just went through my classes.

Now, you know what, as crazy as prof was, even after doing that, most all of us, we just got Bs and As anyway. But it was just that what, who is putting the invisible gun to your head that says your house has to be absolutely spotless all the time? Who's putting the invisible gun to your head that says you always have to return every call the same day, or that this new thing, beep, beep, beep, an email comes, oh my gosh, I got to return the. I mean, who made these rules? I didn't get that.

It's been seven minutes and they haven't returned my email yet. Why, if I'm doing something over here that's the will of God, how does someone electronically shoot something through a satellite that says it's now the most important thing in my life? Where do we start doing that? If I didn't know better, that would be stupid.

That would just be stupid. And then we get so overwhelmed, I've done this. Have you ever done this? You know, like you get sort of those, they're not quite spam.

You know, they're like from Harry and David's and different people you order some stuff now and then, or Delta Airlines is telling me, you know, new fares. Have you ever felt like you're so overwhelmed that you want to feel like you've accomplished something? And I sit at my computer, delete that one, delete that. Have you ever done that? You know, like the day is going so overwhelmed and I feel like I've done Harry and David, that one's gone. Delta Airlines, that's gone.

There's three advertisements gone. Boy, do I feel good about myself. Is this nuts? Anyway, three, learn to say no. I was privileged to get some mentoring from Chuck Swindoll and as the radio was growing, every year they'd have this dinner and we'd get a chance and somehow I got to sit next to him and every year for about seven or eight years, he literally took me for about a half hour, put his arm around me and basically gave me that, now young man, here's what you need to remember. And it was amazing. And so I remember one year, he said, one of the greatest things you'll ever have to learn, learn to say no, kindly, artfully and with excellence. And he said, it will save you so much.

I mean, people need to know you would love to, but the answer is no. And I thought, wow, you know, that is, you know, I didn't really understand what he meant. And then there was a certain book that I thought would be really important and you know, we were friends and so I, I called him or wrote him and asked him if he would endorse the book. And I got the nicest, most excellent, kindest letter that I mean, I felt like when I got done reading that letter, I was next to Cynthia, maybe the second or third most important person in Chuck Swindoll's lives. Wow. No. I mean, it was just like, Chip, I appreciate you so much and what you've done. And if I glance this, this is going to have a great impact.

I'm so excited. And our time's together and you know, our board and the priorities, they've just limited what I can do. I would love to do it, but I just can't. Learn to say no, kindly. Don't take stuff on in church.

Don't do stuff for friends. Don't let guilt drive you to get your schedule because under stress, when you're doing stuff you don't feel really called to do, you get resentment and you're going to have more anger. You've been listening to part one of Chip's message, learning how to stop stress before it starts. He'll be right back with his application for this teaching from his series Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Anger has always had the reputation of being a wrong or unhealthy response, but did you know that anger is often the byproduct of a deeper problem and if properly handled, can actually be used for good? In this five part series, Chip uncovers the genuine sources of anger in our lives and explains how we can turn our frustrations into a helpful tool. If you're ready to better understand and control these feelings of anger, then don't miss a single program. For a limited time, all the resources for this series are discounted. Whether you're looking for the small group study guide, the message notes or the book Chip wrote on this topic, we've got you covered. To learn more about Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or LivingOnTheEdge.org.

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Thanks in advance for your generosity. With that, Chip, let's get to that application you promised. As we close today's program, there's one very simple question that I need to ask you. In fact, you need to ask yourself, which of the three things that create stress in your life do you need to address? I talked about ruthlessly eliminate hurry, downsize your expectations, turn to say no. Which one of those, if I just were sitting together over a cup of coffee and I said, okay, which one of those for you would it be?

What would you say? I will tell you first and foremost, you will see your life change if you ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. Of all the things, especially if you're a type A personality, high pressure job, and the other one that hit me was downsizing expectations.

If you're perfectionistic and you want to do things really well, you keep pushing and you put all this pressure on yourself thinking it's got to be an A plus all the time. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was speaking at a place and they wanted all these notes and they wanted them a week or two in advance. I was in the middle of teaching a series and I remember feeling all this pressure and stress. Then just as I prayed, God said, so do you have to have notes every time you preach? I remember thinking, well gosh, Paul didn't have PowerPoint. He did okay. I just told my assistant, would you just let him know that I'll have some notes because they were done but I'm just not going to have any PowerPoint. It was like the whole world got lighter and better. What do you need just to say it's okay to let something go?

You don't have to do everything perfect every time and see if that stress doesn't come down and with it the anger. God bless you. Give it a try. At Living on the Edge, we want you to know about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast. Hear Chip anytime on Amazon's Alexa Echo and Echo Dot. Just say, Alexa, open Living on the Edge and you'll hear that day's extended teaching anytime you want. Well for Chip and everyone here, this is Dave Drouie saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge.