Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Rage: Understanding the Monster Within, Part 2

Everyone struggles with anger.

I mean, that's a true statement. Now, we do it in different ways. Some people blow up. Some people repress it. Some people let it leak out.

But it always does incredible damage. What about you? How do you deal with your anger? Want to find out? Stay with me. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Druey, and Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. In just a minute, we'll continue Chip's series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Chip's in the process of identifying the different ways anger reveals itself in our lives. As a quick reminder, if you miss a portion of this program, let me encourage you to catch up through the Chip Ingram app.

It's a great way to get started. Well, let's join Chip now for part two of his message, Rage, Understanding the Monster Within, from James chapter one. I'm going to suggest that anger wears many masks, and that there's three primary masks that we put on.

And I want to walk through what these masks are. And I'm going to be pretty, I think the educational word is pedantic. I mean, I'm literally going to go through some lists where you see some things and nod, and then I'm going to ask a few diagnostic questions where we're going to say, okay, how do I tend to express my anger? And when we get done, I'm just going to guess that everyone will go, oh, so if that's the issue, then I guess I do have a little issue with angry feelings.

In fact, what I want you to think about is what you do with your anger. Everyone has it. There's slow people in front of you, right? There's people that frustrate you.

There are blocked goals. There's people that say things about you. You get wounded. You have expectations. You're human. Note, we express our anger in such a wide variety of ways that many people assume anger is not an issue in their life. For those that make sure the fill-ins get filled in right, or they get angry, the first word is express, and the second word is anger. We all express it in such a wide variety of ways, we often think we don't have an anger problem. Dr. Becca listed some common ways that people express their anger.

Let me just give you a salad bar. They shut down. They assert power and authority. They become pushy and aggressive.

They yell, scream, shout, and slam. They belittle, demand, and slander. They intimidate others. They become depressed. They isolate themselves. They alienate others. They suppress their feelings. They repress, regress, become fearful. They hit, grab, push, beat, slap, throw.

Should I go on? They spew out, threaten others, become hostile, feel shame, manipulate others, experience self-hatred, cover up their feelings, pretend they're not really angry and hope it goes away. They rationalize and blame, you made me angry. They make excuses. They become discouraged, despondent, depressed. They gossip.

They slander. They become selfish, self-centered. They minimize how anger really, it doesn't really impact me that much. They deny their feelings. They feel self-pity. They become critical, cynical, sarcastic. They give people the silent treatment.

They often cry for long periods of time. They point their finger and use one of their fingers as they drive. They frown. They shake their fists. They groan. They give ultimatums. They shrug their shoulders, and they sneer. Those are 50 quick ways that people tend to express their anger on occasion.

And let's talk about the many masks. Proverbs 17, 9 says, the heart is deceitful above all else and beyond cure. Who can understand it? It goes on to say that the Lord searches the heart, examines the mind to reward each man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.

And what I want to do right now is I'm going to walk you through a little journey, all right? There may be more, but you can take anger into three major masks or categories. I'm going to suggest that there are spewers, there are stuffers, and there are leakers.

Should we go over that again? There are spewers with their anger. There are stuffers, and then there are leakers. And I want to go over, first, spewers, and there's a very clear inventory. You can see on your notes. So we'll go through this pretty rapidly, and then I have some questions. And maybe you shouldn't count on your fingers, but I'll have some questions that you can mentally go, yeah, for me, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And here's the goal. None of these make you bad, okay? Don't get, I'm a spewer, I'm a leaker, I wish I wasn't a leaker, I wish I could be a stuffer, then I could be depressed, but people wouldn't know.

You know, this is not about one of the masks. These are human responses. Now, some of them have different damage, so let's follow along. Here's a summary of all the research about people who spew their anger. There's two types of spewers.

Exploding time bombs, they're out of control, and calculated time bombs. There's some people, they spew it, they know when they're going to do it, why they're going to do it, and how they're going to do it. The message they have is that anger is necessary. Their reaction is, you bet I'm mad. Do what I say, or else.

This is a power issue. The reasons for spewers expressing their anger, it gives them a false sense of power or control, it helps them release pent up negative emotions, and they feel unable to constrain or control their anger. They have poor impulse control. The guy on the radio talk show yesterday, I mean, he just said, I do it, and I don't want to do it, and I work really hard, and then it just comes out, and he goes, I'm destroying my family.

He said, I read the Bible, I'm a leader in my church, my wife and my kids, I mean, this is, what do I do? This is how they blow up, yell, scream, shout, push, shove, hit, kick, intimidate, aggression, become overly opinionated, overly blunt, forceful, tactless, or demanding and repetitive. My dad was a spewer, and when he was really mad, man, you just got out of the way, but like, when he got really mad, and he was dealing with you with something, hey, why didn't you clean out the garage? Why didn't you clean out the garage? Why didn't you clean out the garage? Son, come over right here. Do you see that? Yeah, that's not clean, yeah.

The garage isn't clean, I'm thinking, he thinks I have a hearing problem. When people get real mad, they, spewers, they tend to repeat, repeat. The results, listen to the results, this is what happens to spewers, this is why we're going to study this. They wound themselves and others. There's a loss of control or power, there's a false sense of power. There's great feelings of guilt. Spewers often feel amazing remorse, they're so sorry, and it's genuine.

They have strained then and unhealthy relationships, possible retaliation or revenge. When you spew on people, there's times where you got to be careful, guess what, they're going to come back at you. There's possible damage, even violent behavior, and often, spewers have tremendous regrets. What a spewer needs, this is what they need, they need to develop a longer fuse, they need to learn to control their anger. Unconsciously, spewers give themselves permission.

They say things like, I can't help it, I'm Irish, I have red hair, it's just the way I am. They will use phrases like, you made me angry. No one ever makes you angry.

Your emotions are yours that you control and you choose to respond and not respond. This has happened in our home, unfortunately, but let's just make it your home so I don't feel quite so guilty. I'll make this example in your house and let's just say you and one of your children or grandchildren or let's say you and your husband and wife are having a rather heated discussion. I mean a good Christian heated discussion, you're not yelling, I mean like really loud, nothing is being thrown, no expletives, but I mean you're hot.

And then the phone rings. Hello? No, actually, we're busy right now.

Yeah, I think I could bring a casserole. Yeah, he's occupied right now, okay. Now, right? We have the power to control our anger. Question, are you a spewer?

Now I want to read, this is out of an excellent workbook actually, it's by Les Carter and Frank Minnerith and I want you to lean back and I'm going to list seven to ten questions. And as I say them, again, this is, you know, my lands, we've so been brainwashed that any kind of anger is wrong. I just want you to get a grip on who you are and how you tend. You learn this, okay?

You learn this from other people. It's where you're at. So I'm going to read these questions and every time you think that question and just your first response, you know, if you're going, well, I'm not sure I really do that. You know, if you start down, just yeah or no, yeah or no. But I'm going to list them and as I list them, I want you to ask yourself just a quick yes or no and keep count. Okay, number one, I can be blunt and forceful when someone does something to frustrate me.

Yes or no. As I speak, my convictions, my voice becomes increasingly louder. Three, when someone confronts me about a problem, I'm likely to offer a ready rebuttal. Four, no one has to guess my opinion.

I'm known for having unwavering viewpoints. Five, when someone, something goes wrong, I focus so sharply on fixing the problem, I often overlook people's feelings. Six, I have a history of getting caught in bickering matches with family members.

Check with your mate on that one. Seven, during verbal disagreements with someone, I tend to repeat myself several times to make the point. Eight, I find it hard to keep my thoughts to myself when I know something is wrong.

Nine, I have a reputation of being strong-willed and ten, I tend to give advice even when others have not asked for it. Okay, now just in your mind, if you mentally have five, welcome to the spew club. We'll have t-shirts later. I'm a spewer, but God's working in my life, okay? Stuffers, there's two types. Those who repress, they deny and avoid and those who suppress, they pretend and stuff. The message they believe is that anger is bad. Their reaction to, are you angry, is angry?

Not me. Why are they afraid of anger? They think it's bad or even sinful to be angry. They fear God's wrath. They fear a loss of control and making a fool of themselves if they got angry. They fear rejection by others. If I get angry, those people will reject me. They don't like to feel guilty and when they get angry, they feel guilty. They experience anger sometime in their past was scary, so all anger is something to be avoided. They fear retaliation, punishment or the consequences and the outcomes of them expressing their anger.

Most of you learned that as a kid. My wife is a classic stuffer. Anger was not allowed in her home. Varying opinions were not allowed in her home. She had a very sweet mother and a father who traveled, who was an alcoholic. He didn't know what he didn't know and he ruled with an ironed fist and lots of rules and you didn't buck him and you never talked back. Talking back was like opening your mouth, but so she had a belief system, all anger is wrong. The reason I learned so much about anger was I had a dad who was a spewer.

She had a dad where anger is wrong. We love one another. We're in seminary and Frank Minnerith's friend, Paul Meyer, the Minnerith Meyer Clinic was teaching us how to do pastoral counseling. And here I'm learning how to do pastoral counseling and I'm learning how we're supposed to help these other people and he gets into some of these kind of things and I realize my wife goes silent. She withdraws. She cries quietly and doesn't talk to me for two days and then pretends everything's okay. This is not a healthy response to anger. I don't feel close to her when she does that. And she doesn't feel close to me because I'm a verbalizer and since we don't have it resolved and I have Ephesians 4 26 memorized, she's in bed up till one and I'm walking around the bed. We have to deal with this tonight. Be angry but do not sin.

Would you please wake up? Hey, we're going to talk about it right now. And she would shut down and then we'd pretend for two days.

Nothing really happened. We'd bury the anger, move on. You do understand that anger puts a roadblock in intimacy.

Emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy and physical intimacy. And so I realized that we didn't know how to deal with anger and we didn't know how to communicate and so was making $1,000 a month and supporting my family as I went to seminary. And at about $90 a pop for 12 weeks, we went to Paul Meyer's brother for counseling and marriage and he gave us tools to learn how to communicate and how to express our anger. And I'm not even going to charge you.

I'm going to give you some of those tools. And it is an amazing thing to be able to communicate. I feel hurt. I feel angry when you and be able to get things on the table and not attack the other person and not be threatened.

Some of you will come away and realize that was worth the entire time together. Stuffers, how do they stuff it? By ignoring it, denying it, shielding or defecting it, minimizing it, pretending they're not really angry, by avoiding it, by burying it. By the way, when you bury it, Paul Meyer says 95% of all depression is anger turned inward.

Think of that. People that are very, very, very depressed. Now there's clinical reasons and physiological reasons but a lot of depression is people don't even know they're angry.

They push it down and physiologically, we'll see in a minute, it can cause ulcers, headaches, all kind of difficult things in your body but emotionally, it causes depression. Results, they become doormats. They're taken advantage of. They redirect their anger at themselves. I remember one of the biggest things I've done in my wife after those years is I would say, honey, I think you're angry. And she'd look at me like, no, I'm not.

No, I'm not. Honey, honey, you got to be angry. That lady just talked to you like that. Well, she's probably having a bad day. No matter what happened, my wife, I would joke, an ambulance would go by and Theresa would try and, I wonder what I did wrong.

I mean, I'm joking. I'm exaggerating but I mean, she, it was so wrong to be angry about anything, she always figured out how to blame herself. Now, I wish you could see the beautiful woman that I'm married to now but wow, we had to discover how she dealt with anger before she got the truth that set her free. The results are they develop physical ailments that I talked about.

They occasionally erupt. By the way, it's kind of weird. These kind of people, they never share it, never share it and then finally, they develop resentment. What stuffers need is to accept that anger is okay and normal, to acknowledge their fears and seek to minimize their hold on others, learn to communicate anger effectively, become more assertive with their needs, that it's okay to have real needs and real wants and to become clear about what they will and will not do. So, are you a stuffer?

Could you be a stuffer? I have another 10 questions and you can, you know, just put them on your fingers. Question number one, I'm very image conscious. I don't like to let others know my problems.

Yes or no? Even when I feel frustrated, I portray myself publicly as having it all together. Three, I'm rather reserved about sharing my problems or my frustrations. Four, if a family member or friend upsets me, I can let days pass without even mentioning it. Five, I have a tendency to be depressed and moody.

Just a tendency, doesn't mean you all the time. Six, resentful thinking is common for me, although many people would never suspect it. Seven, I've suffered with physical complaints, for example, headaches, stomach ailments and sleep irregularity. Eight, there are times when I wonder if my opinions or preferences are really valid. Nine, sometimes I feel paralyzed when confronted by an unwanted situation. And ten, I feel guilty a lot about little things, especially if someone is upset with me. Those of you that said, click, click, click, click, click, five or more, you're probably a stuffer. Now some of you are feeling real bad because you're thinking, you know, I had like four or five on the last one, I got five on this one. I mean, yes, you can wear more than one mask.

You probably have a primary one, but you can wear more than one. So are you a stuffer? Yes, no, or maybe. Finally, let's look at our leakers. The technical word for this is passive-aggressive, and a leaker is a person who is angry, but what they do is they have, as you'll look, they have all the same fears as stuffers. They have the same belief system as stuffers, but they're just stuffing it all the time like, I just can't go there.

And so, but they're not going to do it directly. So what they do is, I'm angry about this situation, this person, this hurt, this injustice, this pain, this wound. I'm not going to deal with it over here. I take that anger, I put it under my arm like a football, and now I go over here to a safe playing field. And then I take the anger and I leak it to get back at the person to punish them for what they did. Sarcasm, negativity, procrastination, frigidity, critical remarks. Knowing they like you to be prompt, you're late. Knowing they love you to follow through, I forgot, I'm so sorry. Okay, that's what leakers do. I'm an expert on this one.

Types are indirect and direct leakers. Here's their message. It's not that anger, it's showing anger is bad. You can be angry, but just don't let anyone see it. Their reaction, angry, not me.

Well, maybe just a little. Why are they afraid of anger? They think it's bad or even sinful to be angry. They fear God's wrath. They fear loss of control.

Losing it might make them look foolish. They fear rejection. Others won't like them if they get angry. They don't like to feel guilty. Their experience with anger was scary, so all anger is something to be afraid of or avoided.

That's what I had. They fear retaliation, punishment, or consequences or outcomes. Now, did you notice that most all of those were the exact same reasons as people that stuff their anger? But then how do they leak it? By not following through on commitments or promises, by not letting their yes be yes or their no be no. These people, you know, when you're really a leaker, I'll do this, I wish I could, I can't.

We are flaky at times, and it makes people crazy. By making excuses, by procrastinating, by knowingly going at a pace different than others, or knowing, have you ever had people really get up on your bumper? You know, beep beep, you know, you know, there's like 15 million cars ahead of you, and this guy's, you know, switching and almost killing people so he can make it like 30 more feet, right?

And so he's like, you look in your rear view mirror and all you see is his grill. Now, some of you in your younger days, or if you know karate, want to pull off and say, right now, dude, right now, let's take it down, let's take it down. Others of you want to express yourself to them, and still others go, if you think you're close to my bumper now going 65, oh my, I'm only going 58 now. And there's a big semi on the right.

And you know something, I'm getting kind of tired, I think I'm going to pull it down to 43, you know? And then no eye contact, you just look ahead, right? You're one angry person. You wonder where I got that illustration, I have no idea. The results, they develop a false or unhealthy sense of power. I mean, even all your laughter, you know why you were laughing?

It was a power deal, right? We got that guy, we got that guy. That smart aleck in front of me, in the back of me. They aggravate those around them and they strain weakened relationships. They become critical and negative. They become isolated.

You might write the word, leakers are very, very sarcastic. They're often late. They withdraw. They often are frigid sexually to pay back their mate. They forget and they avoid issues. What a leaker needs is to accept that anger is okay and normal. To acknowledge fears and seek to minimize the influence of those fears on their life. They need to learn to communicate their anger effectively. They need to become more assertive. A lot of times they don't really say, we don't say what we really mean. We think people can read our minds but then they don't come through for us because they're not reading our minds and so we get angry at them because they don't read our minds even though we didn't tell them and then we do stuff to punish them and, you know, it doesn't work.

And they need to be clear about what they will do and won't do. Okay, are you ready for the big 10 questions? Here's the questions.

Add them up, yes or no, real quick. When I'm frustrated, I become silent, knowing it bothers other people. Two, I'm prone to sulk and pout.

I'm going to go out to the garage and work on my tools. Three, when I don't want to do a project, I will procrastinate. I can be lazy. Four, when someone asks me if I'm frustrated, I will lie and say, no, everything's fine. Five, there are times when I am deliberately evasive so others won't bother me. Six, I sometimes approach work projects half-heartedly. Seven, when someone talks to me about my problems, I stare straight ahead, being deliberately obstinate. Eight, I'm often sarcastic and hide my real hurts behind jokes. Nine, I withdraw affection and become frigid when hurt. Ten, I forget to do things for people when they've wounded me.

Got them? Are you a leaker, yes, no, or maybe? Ask yourself, and I encourage you to get a pen before you share it with others if you can, what makes you angry?

Just the top three. What are two or three things that really make you angry? Second, when and where is it okay to feel angry?

I mean, if you could just identify, some of you think it's so wrong, when would it be okay? Some of you so lit up when I talked about Jesus was angry, Moses was angry, David was angry, Chip was angry at the laundromat. Some of you, your faces just said, wow, maybe I could get a little mad, it'd be okay. Where do you think it'd be okay to get mad? And then, in what ways do you tend to misuse anger?

Why do you hang on to it? And then which anger mask do you wear most often, spewer, stuffer, or leaker? Then the final question, and this will be the journey, just up to now, if you had to turn to someone and say, the one insight that I received so far about anger and emotions that I think will be helpful to me, I think it's, what would you write down?

Okay? We're gonna go on a journey together and get some practical help for those angry feelings that destroy relationships. God gave you this divine gift, a neutral emotion called anger that can be for good or for evil. Let's figure out how we deal with our anger and then how we can, by God's grace, begin to channel it in ways for His glory and our good. Chip will be right back with his application for this message, Rage, Understanding the Monster Within, from his series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Anger has always had the reputation of being a wrong or unhealthy response, but did you know that anger is often the byproduct of a deeper problem, and if properly handled, can actually be used for good? In this five-part series, Chip uncovers the genuine sources of anger in our lives and explains how we can turn our frustrations into a helpful tool. If you're ready to better understand and control these feelings of anger, then don't miss a single program. For a limited time, all the resources for this series are discounted.

Whether you're looking for the small group study guide, the message notes, or the book Chip wrote on this topic, we've got you covered. To learn more about Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org, or call 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003, or LivingOnTheEdge.org.

App listeners, tap Special Offers. Well, Chip, before you come back with some final thoughts about this teaching, would you take just a minute and talk about what happens to the financial gifts that people send to the ministry? I mean, when you ask people to partner with us, how is their money used? You know, Dave, what I want you to know is that when you support Living on the Edge, you bring biblical teaching on core issues that at times is not politically correct, but is at the core of what brings about real life change and families that are stable and honor God. And what I'd ask you to do is, would you be willing to partner with us as we create these small group resources, as we put them on the app, as we pay for radio time, as we try to help families be all God wants them to be?

It requires an enormous amount of time and energy and financial support. And so if you have never given to Living on the Edge, now would be a great time to say, you know, I want to help them reach families. Or if you're a regular giver to Living on the Edge, first let me say thank you, and then let me ask you this, would you be willing to become a monthly partner?

You know, there's nothing quite like having people that you know that you can count on each and every month. The amount is immaterial, whether it's $10, $50, $100. God uses every single gift. If you would pray and just give whatever he shows you, we will be grateful and we'll invest 100% of it right back into the ministry. Thanks so much for whatever he leads you to do.

Thanks, Chip. To send a gift to Living on the Edge, call us at 888-333-6003. Or if you prefer, visit us at livingontheedge.org. That's 888-333-6003. Or go to livingontheedge.org. App listeners, tap donate.

For Chip and the entire team at Living on the Edge, thank you in advance for your generosity. As we close today's program, you heard me teach that anger wears many masks or many facades. We often think we don't have an anger problem because, you know, we're not a spewer.

We don't blow up. But there's three masks that we often wear. These anger masks, one is the leaker. This is the passive aggressive person that I talked about. This is when we know how to push people's buttons and we don't want to confront it head on.

And so we let it leak out. And so let me ask you, is that you? Do you find yourself being sarcastic and letting your resentment and things come out in these very subtle ways so that if people call you on it, you say, oh, no, no, I was just kidding? Or do you stuff? Is that your anger mask?

Do you stuff it? You just don't say anything. Somewhere along the line you learn that anger is wrong and you should never be mad and it's a sin to be angry. And you find yourself getting depressed or you have stomach issues or migraine issues and it's a powerful thing when our emotions are pushed down. Or maybe you are that spewer that it just builds up inside and you are loud and then you're so sorry and so remorseful and you keep asking people to forgive you for how you blew up and people were intimidated by you. All I want you to do today is to identify what's your major response.

I'd like you to ponder that. And then right now I'd like you to bring it before the Lord and say, Lord Jesus, right now, will you help me learn to deal with my anger? Would you show me why I get angry and what's going on inside so you could change me from the inside out? That's what you need to pray. And here's what I'll tell you.

God will show you. As we close, I want you to know that as a staff, we ask the Lord to help you take whatever your next faith step is. And we'd love to hear how it's going. Would you take a minute and send a note or give us a call?

Either one is easy. Email us at chip at livingontheedge.org or give us a call at 888-333-6003. Well, I'm glad you've been with us. And until next time, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.