Intentional Parenting - Fun, Discipline, and Responsibility, Part 2

I don't know about you, but I am deeply, deeply concerned about America, because what is happening in the homes of Christians and non-Christians to their children is changing the course of the world.

If there's ever a day for Christians who live like Christians as parents, I believe that is now. We have to raise up the next generation and Living on the Edge. I'm passionate and completely committed to it. I want you to hang in there with me and let's listen to Doug Fields as he teaches us some principles about how to be intentional parents. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians really live like Christians. I'm Dave Druey, and as Chip just mentioned, we're continuing in our series, Intentional Parenting, taught by our guest teacher, Doug Fields. Doug is an author, speaker, and senior director of the Homeward Center at Azusa Pacific University. In this program, Doug picks up where he left off last time, explaining the connection between discipline and responsibility. But before we begin, if you've been encouraged by this series, would you take a minute after this message and share it with a friend?

They can do that through the Chip Ingram app or by sending them the free MP3s at livingontheedge.org. Let's join Doug now for part two of his message, fun, discipline, and responsibility. Parents, you don't have to provide discipline right away.

It's not like you're a traffic cop and you got to get them right there. No, you can delay the discipline so your anger delays. I grew up in a house where my dad spanked with a belt. And he would snap the belt, fold it over, and then snap it. Anybody else have that one? The snapping?

Oh, a lot of us in here. My dad even had a hose that he would use. He had a few methods of spanking, so when he was mad, he would say, Douglas, go get me something to hit you with. And what I realized, I mean, I'm not a bright person, but what I realized is the longer I took to go get something, the better it was for me because it gave him time to cool down.

So when I would return, you know, three days later with a pillow, you know, things just went so much, much better, all right? So wisdom says, regardless of the situation, regardless of the situation, I'm going to stay calm or find a way to get calm. Two, I'm going to work hard to make sense, to be wise, but I'm going to bring discipline regardless of their response. Personally, from my opinion, I think the best discipline is what I call discipline by choice. Discipline by choice is a fair consequence, clearly communicated ahead of time, connected to the offense, okay? Maybe if you're taking notes, I'd write no surprises off to the side, that the kid shouldn't have any surprises there. Now, what this does is it doesn't set you up against your kid. Most discipline is this, me as the parent against my kid. But if it's agreed upon ahead of time and it's clear, what happens is, and then there's fair and natural consequences, what happens is it's me and my kid against the consequence and there's a big difference. Now, you need to figure this out in your context, what it means for your age appropriate kids. But like when my kids, you know, most recently, again, 25, 22, 19, so let me go to when they were in high school and my daughter, we had curfew. So my daughter, let's just say she breaks curfew. Well, a lot of parents meet their kids at the door screaming and yelling and shaming and threatening. For Kathy and I, we played it different.

We would answer the door and go, oh gosh, so glad you're safe. You know how much we love you and when you didn't come in on time, we were just getting a little bit nervous because normally you make such, you know, great choices. And then I started to get sad for you because I know how much you like to go out on Friday nights and now the next three weeks you have to stay in with me and mom. And I just feel so bad. But, you know, I figured you took all that into consideration because, you know, you knew that all choices have consequences. Now, no matter how well you say it, your kids are still going to get mad.

I mean, I've never had one of my kids go, you know, dad, you're right. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, the way that you established clear boundaries and I knew what the measured consequence was and I evaluated my decision and dad, you're really an excellent father. Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

That never happened. But what it does is it keeps me from being an idiot, from yelling and screaming and shaming and posturing. For many parents, the most difficult part of this is enforcing. And if you can't enforce delicate discipline, you're never going to be an effective parent. And that's a biggie because if you don't, your kids are never going to become responsible. And that's the sixth thing that all kids need from caring adults is they need activated responsibility, activated responsibility. When people find out that I'm an advocate for kids, you know, whether it's a radio interview or promoting a book or something like that, people will say, Doug, why do you think today's young people are so irresponsible?

It's a fair question, but nobody likes my answer because I always say, oh, it's easy. It's your fault. They're like, you know, what do you mean it's my fault? Yeah, it's your fault that kids are irresponsible. The reason it's your fault is because responsibility is not genetic. Responsibility must be taught and it must be modeled. And I think this one is one of the biggies to get us to the five C's that we've been talking about.

And the way, if you're kind of going, how do I know if my kid's irresponsible? I call it the ABC's. A stands for apathy where they just go, I just don't care about being responsible. B is blame. It wasn't my fault. It's the stupid teacher. It's the lame coach. It's my dumb parents always blaming everybody else.

The C is what I call the care for me mentality. You know, and I've been cradled my whole life. It's not that big a deal. Somebody will save me from this. They'll figure it out. Think about today's generation of kids.

When they grow up, what are they going to say to their kids and their great grandkids about growing up in today's culture? Like my dad would always talk about, you know, son, when I was your age, I had to walk to school. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow. Barefoot. On razor blades. I mean, you know, whatever it was, just, you know, what is today's kid? Oh, you know, when I was your age, I, if I was hungry, I had to talk to a dietician. And, you know, one time my parents made me supervise the house cleaner.

That was rough. You know, so parents, how are we contributing to this? Let's at least hold up the mirror and say, okay, how are we contributing to kids being irresponsible? Which, by the way, if you look at culture, the average age of marriages used to be in the early 20s. Now they're in the late 20s. There's a new term coming out called extended adolescence. That adolescence is moving into the late 20s because people are not growing up. They're not taking responsibility for themselves. So how might we be contributing to that? Well, a couple ways. One, always picking up after kids when they're little, not making them responsible.

I think when it comes to money, we make money easily available and not valuable enough by telling kids they can do no wrong. That it's not their, sweetheart, the reason you got a bad grade is because your teacher is just inexperienced. Okay? Now, buddy, I don't know why you're sitting on the bench. I mean, you're the best athlete on that team.

I mean, your coach just can't identify talent. And by saving them from consequences, we need to allow our kids to experience some of the pain that goes with poor choices. So, for example, when the school calls and says your kid forgot their lunch, what do parents do? Oh, my gosh, I'll get it there right away because I don't want my child to starve. Not just starve. I don't want my kid to starve to death. I know because they're going to die if they miss their lunch. Parents, I've done a lot of research on death by starvation. And it takes the average person about 70 to 90 days to die from starvation.

All right? Now, maybe your kid is going to get a little hungry. And you know what those hunger pains will do? Will travel up into their brain to realize it was their responsibility to bring their lunch, not mom and dad's. I mean, mom and dad make the lunch, pay for the lunch.

The least I could do is take the lunch. It's amazing. I coached all my kids until they got into high school with all their different sports. And I had some parents who thought, I'm sure they thought I was the Antichrist and they wanted a different coach because I wouldn't let them carry their kids' stuff. I mean, we're not talking like, you know, 12-year-old baseball that moms would come into the dugout and hang up the bag and get the cleats out and sit down. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, not on my team.

It doesn't happen. Your kid's 12. He can carry it. He can set it up. He can shoot his own steroids.

You know, get out of my dugout, Mrs. Armstrong. Activating responsibility, and here is the thesis statement, it's helping kids move from infantile dependence to healthy independence. What are some simple ways? You got to assign chores. I mean, make them age appropriate, but kids, when they have chores, it helps them develop responsibilities and it promotes life skills and work ethic. And yes, you could do the job better yourself or hire it out.

That's not the point. You're trying to help them become responsible. And obviously, and I've said it a couple of times, you've got to allow consequences, that when you're always bailing your kid out each time there's a dilemma, you're wounding them. They need to experience consequences in order to be healthy. They have to understand there's a relationship between what they do and what happens to them, and that's a good relationship. I put in your notes, I love this phrase, consequences build self-esteem. When kids realize that their behavior has consequences, here's what they learn. I have power and I have control. I don't always have to be the victim. I can be in control in this situation.

I have power over those consequences. So let me try to make this really practical and matter of fact, how discipline and responsibility merge together. So, Mom, you go out at 3.30 in the front yard, Jimmy's skateboarding, you say, Jimmy, you need to get in and do your geometry homework. And Jimmy says, Mom, I don't want to do my geometry homework, I want to skateboard. And you say, Jimmy, if you don't do your geometry homework, you're never going to be able to figure out the area within a trapezoid. And Jimmy says, I can live with that.

Jimmy can live with that, right? Jimmy can live a very good life without ever figuring out the area within a trapezoid. I'm in my 50s, nobody has ever my whole life asked me, hey, we got a whole bunch of trapezoids back here.

Anybody willing to figure out the area within those trapezoids? At which point I would have said yes, but nobody's ever done that. So, with that, then you go, well, Doug, there's a natural consequence and the natural consequence is he will flunk his class. Jimmy doesn't care because Jimmy's going to be a professional skateboarder.

So, this is when Mom and Dad, or sometimes those of you who are single parents, I told you this last week, the toughest job on the planet is being a single parent. But this is when Mom and Dad, when there is a natural consequence and it's ineffective, we've got to establish some fair discipline so Jimmy develops responsibility. Jimmy, if you flunk that class, you choose to flunk that class, you don't ride your skateboard until Jesus returns. Okay, or whatever it is, because if not, Jimmy will grow up to be a simpleton.

In Proverbs 27, it says, a prudent person foresees the danger ahead and takes precaution. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences. Parents, we don't want to raise simpletons. We want to raise kids with competence and character and conviction and compassion.

So, responsibility begins to be formed when they're little and you as a parent follow through on the consequences connected to the boundaries or else kids don't learn anything about boundaries. So those of you with little kids and you play the counting game, what that means is get to three. Get to three, that's okay. And then allow them calmly to experience a consequence. Don't do the, don't let me get to three, one, two, maybe you don't, you're not hearing me.

Do not let me get to three or there will be a cyclone of fury that comes out, one, two, 2.1, two points, you're figuring out areas within a trapezoid. Get to three, all right, get to three calmly and it may be inconvenient for you, but that's parenting. Okay, let them experience the consequence. The goal is not to ruin their life. The goal is to help them develop.

Does that make sense? Okay, there's a lot here, serious fun, delicate, discipline and activated responsibility. A lot to think about this week, a lot to pray about. I have a friend who told me, you know, Doug, when my kids were little, I used to talk to them a lot about God. As they got a little bit older, I started talking to God a lot about my kids and I think that's a great way of saying it.

I know some of you are here and as a parent, you're tired and you're wounded and you're worried and you feel inadequate. Whatever it is, I invite you to, I invite you to talk to God about your kids and about everything else. You know, one of the things that I do when I move into a time of prayer in my home office, I have a chair and I have another chair right in front of it. And sometimes I sit in that chair and I imagine conversation with God. I just, God is sitting right in that chair. And I realize for some of you that raises theological concerns like, should you have three chairs, you know, for Father, Son, the Holy Spirit? Does the Holy Spirit even need a chair or does it hover, you know, whatever.

For me, I picture God in the flesh as Jesus, the person of Jesus. And He's compelling, He's totally interested in me, He's warm, He's attracted to my heart, He's leaning in, excited to be there and to listening, just communicating this warmth. And a lot of times I do most of the talking, but sometimes I just listen. If I don't have anything to say, I just listen. And I have imaginary conversations. It's going to seem dumb to you, but here's one of my imaginary conversations where I see Jesus saying, Doug, you make me laugh, sometimes you're really funny. And I get this like sense of pride that, man, I made God laugh, how cool is that? Then He says, you know, Doug, some of your funniest stuff isn't even stuff that you say. And I go, I know, I know, but I don't want to say it because I think it's too inappropriate.

And then Jesus says, well, it is, that's not what I'm talking about. You know, some of the funniest stuff is the stuff that you do. I mean, like, it's funny, you know, you make me laugh that you think you can do CrossFit at your age.

You make me laugh when you go to Costco just for free samples. You make me laugh that you think it's funny when people fall off their bike. And so we kind of have this moment of laughter, and then Jesus settles in. And there's this warmth that radiates that I feel, and He says, Doug, I love you so, so much. And I love this time with you because I want to take our relationship to deeper, deeper places. And I know you think, Doug, that you know how much I love you because you're a parent and you love your kids, and that's cute, but my love's deeper. See, your love is finite. You have a limit to your love, but my love is infinite, and there is no depth. And I take all of that love and I direct it to you.

It's a depth of love that you'll never be able to understand. And then I interrupt him, okay, Jesus, are you saying I'm not smart enough? And he laughs, kind of a big laugh, like I caught him off guard, which I know I didn't because he's God, so he knew what I was going to say.

So he's obviously exaggerating to make me feel better about myself. So that's kind of how it goes with me and prayer. But I share that with you because when I connect with God through prayer, through spending some time to reading about Jesus and what He taught and how He interacted, how God in the flesh modeled how to live for humanity, when I read that He wants to come in and totally transform my character and shape me into His likeness, I'm drawn to Him.

And the more I'm drawn to Him, the more I fall in love with Him and want to follow Him and be more like Him. We've been taking a look at a few words that are so powerful that we want to go deeply into your bones. They're found in Ephesians 5, verse 1, where it says, Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children. Look at those four words, as dearly loved children. See, when that becomes your identity, everything changes. When that becomes your identity that you're a dearly loved child of God, everything changes. For some of us in here, our identity is what we do.

Your identity is where you live or what you drive or what's in your bank account. But if you could get your arms around the fact that your identity is you are a dearly loved child of God, everything changes. See, that's what helps our parenting.

That's what helps our relationships. I could give you the best parenting tips in the world, and I want to be really helpful to you. But if you're parenting out of a broken identity or a wrong identity or a wounded identity, all my tips are going to fall short. But this is what I want you to get. People who know that they're dearly loved are able to love dearly.

People who know that they're deeply loved and that's their identity, they're able to love deeply. I want to help your parenting. I really want to help your kids.

I want to help your kids be the benefactors of this content that we're talking about. But that's not what drives me. What drives me is that if you draw closer to God and you fall more in love with Him and you sense His love for you, it'll change everything.

Everything about you and your relationships and how you act. And God is not this distant deity that's out there that needs to be conjured up. He's here loving you, laughing with you, grieving with you, hearing your cries. He's accepting of your faults and your failures. He's wanting you to know Him in deeper ways because He has wisdom to help you in your relationship, specifically in your parenting.

This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And you've been listening to our guest teacher, Doug Fields, share a message from his series, Intentional Parenting, 10 Ways to Be an Exceptional Parent in a Quick Fix World. Just like a well-constructed building, successful parenting requires a great deal of intentionality along with a well-thought-out plan.

And that's why we're excited about this particular series. Doug is providing practical advice and help for parents and grandparents in areas where they've struggled historically. If you're blessed to have kids or grandkids, you have a divine responsibility to love and care for them. And we want to help you do that. If you invest time in this series, you'll learn how to be more purposeful as a parent and develop a biblical blueprint that'll transform how you do life with your kids. For more information about intentional parenting, you'll find everything you need at livingontheedge.org. Or give us a call at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or livingontheedge.org.

App listeners, tap Special Offers. Well, Chip, your kids are already out of the house and grown, but if you could look back at your early years as a dad, are there any words of wisdom you'd like to share with parents to help them be more purposeful with their kids? Well, Dave, yes. I tended to be the most intentional parent when we were having problems. What I wish I would have done more of was build in and be more proactive. In other words, over the years, what I learned was that you just need to express genuine affection.

You need to have some really serious fun. I had to remind myself, okay, they're going to be a lot like me, so I need to be a good role model. I mean, there's certain values that I want to teach. And so I tried to keep those in front of me, but what we've developed is something that I wish I had, intentional parenting cards.

And I love it. It's the ten things as a parent that you want to be intentional about. And instead of being overwhelmed, it's like you take these three or four cards in each area and you review them for just a week every day.

And so all of a sudden, there's a week of focusing on being genuinely affectionate and then the next week of encouraging words and the next week of building memories that last and then one on serious fun. And so what it does is give you very specific practical ways to be intentional in an area with your kids. What I know is most parents get serious about parenting when they have problems.

The best defense is a better offense. When we're intentional about building things into our children that prevent those problems, we're going to be way ahead. I wish I would have had these when I was a young dad, a not-so-young dad. I can't encourage you enough to get a set of these cards and put them into practice.

Thanks, Chip. Well, if you're wanting to be more deliberate about your calling as a parent or grandparent, let me encourage you to order a set of our new intentional parenting cards. They cover ten specific areas to help you be more purposeful in the lives of your kids. Whether it's learning how to discipline, being a better encourager, or discovering how to have serious fun, this resource will help you be the mom or dad your kids so desperately need. To order your set of our new intentional parenting cards, just go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org.

App listeners, tap Special Offers. Now for some application, here's Chip and our guest teacher, Doug Fields. Doug, great message today on responsibility. I can't tell you how much I agree with you that consequences actually build esteem, and that's not just punishment for acting up. In fact, what we're seeing now is an epidemic, if you will, that kids don't get the consequences they deserve, and then we're shocked or surprised when there's irresponsibility later. I actually heard a term recently called the bulldozer parent, and it's a picture of a parent who just paves the way and removes any barrier, any consequence. It could never be my kid's fault, so everything is easy for their kids thinking they're doing them a favor, and the fact of the matter is the opposite is true, and I think you really touched on that. Could you talk a little bit about how to not be an enabler as a parent? Sure, this is a fun topic of conversation, but first of all, let's recognize that it's really difficult not to be an enabler or a bulldozer parent.

Why? Because we love our children so much, and in our amazing love for them, we want to protect them, but it's also love and your job as a parent to help them grow up and develop into the person God intends them to be. You may be loving them in the wrong way by protecting them and keeping them from learnings and discoveries and consequences that are important for their independence and maturity. So if we get practical, like when little Johnny forgets his cleats at baseball practice and Mom runs home to get them, Johnny doesn't get to experience any pain or consequence to his forgetfulness, and it was his responsibility to get his baseball gear there. So maybe the most loving thing that Mom can do is to allow Johnny to practice in his tennis shoes or sit out the practice altogether because he forgot his cleats. Then the next practice, when he remembers his cleats, Mom can practice catching him doing something right and use positive words to reinforce that responsibility and say, you know, hey, buddy, good job on remembering all your baseball gear. I bet you felt good about it. I'm proud of you. And as much as parents want to save them, being a bulldozer parent who clears the way for them actually hurts them.

And I get it. It's counterintuitive for the parent to realize that pain actually produces character and maturity, but responsibility isn't genetic. I mean, kids learn responsibility when parents allow them to fail.

And when she can connect choices to consequences, she's going to grow up and she's going to learn how to live and interact and succeed in our culture instead of being an immature adult. That's livingontheedge.org, or call 888-333-6003. That's livingontheedge.org, or call 888-333-6003. App listeners, tap donate. Please know we're blessed by whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, until next time, this is Dave Drewy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.