Love One Another - How to Deal with Difficult People in Your Life, Part 1

Do you have a difficult person in your life? Do you have a person that literally makes you nuts? I mean the kind of person that just makes your life miserable.

Did you ever wonder, is there a godly response? What do you do? Well, stay tuned. We're going to talk about how to deal with that difficult person today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher on this international discipleship program, and I'm Dave Druey. We're in Chip's series called Love One Another, and in this program he's helping us understand what it takes to build strong, healthy relationships. Today's topic, Dealing with Difficult People, is one of the most challenging. Chip will share some extra insight into what he's learned about this after the teaching, so be sure to stay with us for that. Now let's join him for his message How to Deal with Difficult People in Your Life, from Ephesians chapter four.

Well, I'd like to start off a little bit differently in that I'd like to start with a survey, okay? Here's my first question. How many people here, question number one, have a difficult person in your life?

Yes. Some people call these sandpaper people because they rub you the wrong way. Others people call these people EGRs, extra grace required to deal with him. How many people in your honest hearts of hearts would really like for God to relocate some of these people? You know, if they're your boss, they could get transferred.

I won't go any farther than that. How many of you aren't quite sure if you have a difficult person or not? You know, honestly you're thinking, you know, I'm not sure. Let me give you, I was listening to a similar subject by a fellow named John Ortberg, and he gives kind of six characteristics of when you know you have a difficult person in your life, so let me pass them on. First, when they call, you get a sinking feeling, and you don't want to talk to them. Second, when you're with them, and after they leave, you feel like all the energy in your whole body just gets sucked right out of you, and you're drained. Third, when you're in conversation with them, you feel artificial, awkward, and uncomfortable, and what you like best about the conversation is when it's over. Fourth, you feel guilty about how you behave around them. You find yourself telling little white lies like, I know I'm really here, but I can't tell them I'm not here, but I really can't come to the phone. You find yourself seeing them and taking other corridors. You find yourself acting like you don't see them when you do, and then you feel bad and guilty about how you treat them. Fifth, after being with them, you eat more.

It just happens. You just need something to eat, and then sometimes after you're with them, you begin to bite your fingernails. If it's a really bad experience, you want to bite theirs. Final little one is you have private imaginary conversations, because they build frustration and struggle and tension, and you can never get it quite right, and so you have imaginary conversations with them, because it never quite gets the way you want it to be, and you have these conversations where finally you say it, and you say it really clear. You get it all out. They get it. You're the hero, and they're sort of the goat, but in real life, it never works out that way, ever. Now, if you have at least half of those symptoms, I would suggest you have a difficult person in your life, and although you long and I long on days for God to remove them, here's the thesis of the morning.

I put it on the front of your teaching handout. I'd like to suggest from scripture and the very lips of Christ that sometimes the person we most want God to remove from our lives is the person we need the most. Lean back. Lean back, and I want you to digest that. Sometimes the person we most want God to remove from our lives is actually the very person we need the most. Now, I can hear your mind spinning saying, wait a minute, Chip. Are you actually saying that God has allowed this person to come into my life?

Yes. In fact, I'm going to go beyond that and say, since God is good, God is sovereign, God is all-knowing. I'm going to suggest that he not only allowed this difficult person in your life, but I'm going to go so far to say that in some cases, sometimes he has actually placed them there purposefully in order to do some things in you and through you that could never happen without this difficult person. Now, by the way, I said sometimes there are some people that maybe God doesn't want in your life. You say, well, why?

Why could God, I mean, you're thinking, you've got this sinking feeling. There's a picture of someone's face in your mind for most of you, and you're thinking of this difficult person. They make you nuts. They make you crazy. Your personalities don't match. In fact, I'm sure I'm the difficult person in some people's lives. Why in the world would God allow these sandpaper people to be in our lives? Let me give you three reasons. First, because how we treat difficult people reveals the true condition of our heart. We'll look at that later. Second, difficult people cause us to grow in ways we couldn't on our own.

The fact of the matter is you would never grow in the way that God wants apart from some of these people in your life. And third, and I think most importantly, the most distinguishing mark of Jesus' followers is their love for those they would not and could not love on their own. I went on a little vacation in the middle of last summer with my wife. I went to a real neat spot.

It was an awesome time, and I thought I needed not only emotionally refresh and have this great anniversary time with her, but I thought, God, I want to be spiritually refreshed. I would like you to bring a passage. I tend to like to read big chunks and then study. God, I'd like a passage that would just really minister to me something I really need that you'd grab hold of me. And I was reading through the book of Luke at the time, and I got to chapter six, verse 27 through 36. And I read that on our vacation, and I read that every day, every day for about three weeks because I couldn't let it loose. There was something about that passage that I knew God wanted to speak to me. It was so radical.

I'd like to read it because it's exactly what's said here. The most distinguishing characteristic historically of Jesus' followers is loving people that we either would not or could not love. Listen to the very words of Christ. He says, but I tell you who hear me, love your enemies and do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.

If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners expecting to be repaid in full.

But listen to this. Love your enemies and do good to them and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great and you will be sons of the most high because he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. And then he ends with a little command.

Be merciful just as your Father is merciful. You know, as you read through the Gospels, Jesus does this uncanny thing. He makes his people nuts, doesn't he? He loves Gentiles. Jews don't like Gentiles. He loves Samaritans.

Jews hated Samaritans. He treats women with respect. He treats slaves. He loves lepers. He reaches into the life of a Roman centurion.

You know, we read that and we're a little bit distanced. He is purposefully moving through society, tax collectors, sinners, prostitutes. He just keeps doing what no one can understand. He loves the unlovable of his day. And what he's teaching here in Luke chapter 6 is that the most distinguishing mark of a genuine follower of Jesus is not how we love people that are easy to love. It's how we love people that are hard to love. I mean, basically what he says is, you know, when you're in the mafia, you're in the family, they love one another. So what?

Drug dealers love other drug dealers. You know, he's saying big deal. He says the real issue is when you love someone who's outside of your circle and you say to yourself, well, I don't have any big enemies.

Well, that's good because here's my suggestion. You know, you're a difficult person. I mean, they're not even an enemy.

They're probably not persecuting you, I hope. But here's the deal. An enemy is someone you don't want to be around, right? So I think a difficult person qualifies.

Here's the question we want to deal with today. How do you love people that are hard to love? How do you love your difficult person? What's the scripture say? How do you treat the people that make you nuts? How do you treat sandpaper people? How do you treat people that you want to avoid? How does God want us in the body to respond to them and why? And let me tell you the answer to that question. The little phrase in scripture called bear with one another.

It's found only in two places in this form. Ephesians chapter four, verses two and three and Colossians three, 13. How are we to respond to these people? We are to bear with difficult people in the context. Ephesians four, verse one says, I urge you, therefore, as a prisoner of the Lord to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you've been called said I want you to I want you to live up to how God made you new in Christ. And then he tells us how in verse two, being completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love, make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. It's interesting when you diagram this, when you diagram this out of the original text, basically, the main thought is walk in a manner worthy and then of your calling. And then literally, it's just with humility, with gentleness, with patience, and those are all modifiers of how this participle bearing with one another in love, making every effort another participle to bring about unity in relationships.

It's hard to have unity when people make you crazy, isn't it? But that's what our calling is. In fact, let's do a little digging. Let's find out the meaning of the word bearing with one another.

You ready? The literal meaning of that phrase is to hold yourself back. I thought that was interesting. To bear with a person means to hold yourself back. That's what I have to do. The difficult people in my life, I have to hold myself back from what I really want to say. I have to hold myself back from what I'd really like to do. I have to hold myself back from those cutting remarks that, and they're sometimes so funny, I just want to say them.

They just zoom right from my brain, right to my tongue, and it would just slice them. But I just know other than being cruel and ungodly, it's not the right thing to do. The idea means to put up with people. It has the concept of enduring that in other people that irritates you, frustrates you, and makes you not want to be around them. This little phrase, bearing up, means tolerating and looking beyond the idiosyncrasies, the personalities, the weaknesses, the mannerisms, the differences, and the styles of others that bother you.

Did I get it all in? Did your difficult person get in there somewhere? I know some of them, it's just their personality. I understand, I think I know how I'm wired up, and that if I get someone a lot like me, I make them nuts. Or if I get around someone who's way, way different than me, I make them more nuts. And sometimes vice versa.

See, we all have difficult people in our life. And it's not a, often it's not a moral issue. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is just, you know, water and oil. It just doesn't mix.

Well, what's it look like? It's one thing to say, okay, we need to endure. We need to put up with them. We need to look beyond those things. We need to be tolerant. We need to be loving.

But what does that look like? Well, in both passages where this little word is used, there's these three modifiers. We're to bear up how? With humility, with gentleness, and with patience. Let's take a look at what each one means.

First, we need to bear with them in humility. The word literally means lowliness. In the New Testament, it has the idea of having an accurate view of yourself. It's not thinking too high, not thinking too low. In fact, genuine humility is not thinking of yourself at all.

Philippians 2, 3, and 4, it tells us, you know, don't do anything out of emptiness or vainglory or conceit, but with humility of mind, treat other people as though they were as important, but it goes on to say, not as important, but as though they're better than you, as though they have more importance. That difficult person, I want you to kind of let the picture of them come to your mind. You know why you have to deal with in humility? Because down deep, you have this sense that they are inferior to you. Often difficult people lack social skills, don't they? Everyone has a feel in the group and everyone kind of knows how it flows and they kind of just, they come into the conversation like that and you go, oh man.

And so down deep, you feel like you're here and they're here, right? If you were really honest, you would say they have a personality defect. If you were really, really honest, you would probably evaluate them on a sliding scale like they're just a little less intelligent than you. They have a little less savvy than you.

They're probably a little less spiritual than you. And so you know what, over time you know how you start looking at a difficult person? You're superior, they're inferior.

And so what you do then is your head is always tilted. You prejudge them. Whatever comes out of their mouth, whatever comes out of their mouth, you know it's what?

Well, what do you expect from them? And so we get in the habit of prejudging and we get in the habit of passing judgment on their opinions before they even open their mouth. And so if we're going to bear with them, the first step is humility. And I've kind of translated this into a sentence that I thought would be helpful. See them and treat them as people of equal or superior value than yourself.

Ooh. Now think if you're a difficult person and you're thinking, you're kidding. No, see them first and then treat them as people of equal or superior value. I've shared a story about a guy. It's a story about a guy named Bob and I was a Christian about four, four and a half, five years and I was beginning to grow. I was leading a campus ministry, teaming up with a guy and this very, they would call him a dysfunctional person now, horrendous background, major rejection, broken home, rejected as a child, no social skills. I mean, a very difficult person. Everywhere he went he got rejected and then therefore he developed the ways of communicating and acting towards people to make sure he kept getting rejected.

You know what I'm saying? And so he comes through town and he's a believer and we're doing this college ministry. I mean, he's got no money.

He doesn't have anything that runs. Could he stay in my apartment for two weeks just till he gets on his feet? In a moment of weakness, insanity or led by the spirit. I said yes. Nine months later, this guy still living in my house.

Now here's the deal. Very interesting and I mean, he wasn't a difficult person. He was an impossible person.

He made me nuts. This guy, I came home one day and he had taken the engine of his car because he wanted to fix it. He had the engine of his car completely taken apart on my living room floor. I'm not kidding.

That was my what? I don't think the idea of after you eat cleaning the dishes ever made it sort of to the cranium area of his. I always came in and there's a sink and all these dirty dishes and if you know me well, I kind of like things clean and then I had this day bed and all I ask was, hey Bob, you know, I bring friends in. It's my living room. Make the bed. I mean, people come in.

It looks like a hurricane went through here. This is my place. You know, I had this conversation almost every day for nine months and he like got it four times and so I've always told this and I usually use this illustration because you know, I tried everything and you know, I'm thinking I can motivate this guy.

I can help this guy. Oh God help me. You know, dah, dah, dah, dah. I couldn't and I used I've used this illustration about how not to pray because he was a guy who was so down on himself.

He played these tapes. Oh God, I'm a terrible person. Oh God, you know how rough it is. Oh God, you know, I'm from a broken home. Oh God, you know, I'm rejected and I'd say, hey Bob, Bob, stop. That is not praying. That's just whining. I've heard the same tapes for the last eight months.

Try this. God help me change. Now here's the interesting thing I want you to get while I was preparing for this message. I realized why God brought Bob in my life. See, I've always told that story for over 20 years and by the way, I know Bob have good relationship with Bob, but I've always shared this illustration about because there's a good ending to the story and as I was preparing for this message and praying, put my feet up and once I get it clear and understand what the scripture says, I put my feet up, I pray and say, God, give me some pictures that will help people grasp this.

They'll really understand this and God, I mean, bang picture came to my mind while Bob was living with me. I knew, I mean, I, you think I have problems now. I had major problems then with being arrogant and so I found a tiny thin little book. I don't even know if it's still in existence by Andrew Murray called a humility, the beauty of holiness and the picture of a shell with a Pearl in it. And I remember I got so excited about this thin little book. I read it, marked it up and read it and marked it up and I carried it with my Bible, you know, and I mean, I read about three or four times because I realized I was arrogant, self centered, controlling, demanding.

My way was the way. And so I began to pray, Oh God, work on my life. God, just like, just like this Pearl and he used the illustration and through the difficulty, I want to learn to be a servant.

I want to learn how to be humble. God answered my prayer, but I it's over 20 years before I realized God allowed Bob to come into my life, to teach me the very things I was praying for. See, we, we sometimes think that we pray these prayers and there's going to be this spiritual transaction. All of a sudden you get patient, you get gentle.

I mean, how does it work? You know, I think I got patients coming on, you know, it doesn't work like that. God works these things in your heart, in your mind, and he changes you how?

By practicing the very thing you need to develop. I'd like to suggest that God may well have purposely put the difficult person in your life to help you grow the first step. Then what is you need to bear with them, not grudgingly out, but with humility, but it goes on after that it's with gentleness. We've looked at this word before. It means power under control. See it's the idea of, instead of using your power to control, you use your power to love. That's what Jesus was. He said, I'm meek.

He had all power. He speaks, it comes into existence, but instead of using his power to make people obey, Jesus was so strong that he could be meek or gentle and extend love because it was secure. And we tend to be harsh, if not in our words and our actions, at least in our mind, don't we? With difficult people. You've been listening to part one of Chip's message, How to Deal with Difficult People in Your Life, from his series, Love One Another.

You know, it's easy to hear truth, believe it, even be moved by it, and then drift along to whatever comes next. If you've been moved today to love the people around you a little better than you have been, this series, Love One Another, provides biblical direction to help you pursue that goal. Love One Another will give you insight into issues like how to love difficult people, how to restore someone who's fallen into sin, and how to lovingly hold one another accountable. It's filled with practical truth to help you deepen relationships on every level. To take a look at our resource options for Love One Another, check it out online at livingontheedge.org or tap special offers on the app.

For more information, just give us a call at 888-333-6003. Now here's Chip with an offer you don't want to miss. Before I come back and today talk about how you can put this message into practice, there's a couple thoughts I want to share with you and give you a resource that I think will be helpful. If you think that loving people is impossible, in fact, if there's some people in your life, they might even be in your family right now, that you feel like it's impossible to love them, what you need to understand is you're absolutely right. All these one another passages, they demand supernatural power. The apostle Paul would say, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each other. Whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Now here's what I'm going to tell you. I get that I'm supposed to do that, but in my emotions and in my head when I'm in conflict with a person, whether it's in my family or in some other relationship and I can't get my way clear, I get out a pen and I open my journal and I write out my thoughts, my struggles, even my angry feelings, what I think they did and I get it out very clearly and then I offer that to God and say, God, help me see this clearly and help me know what's it look like to put on a heart of compassion.

Show me how to love this person. But the key thing is not to hold it inside to get it out to get clear and then trust God as you take those steps. But the critical tool for me is having that journal where I can privately share things that I don't want anyone ever to read about some of these feelings and anger and resentment that I struggle with. And so we've created a journal that I think will really be a tool that could help you really process life in a way that helps you love other people. Dave, could you take just a minute to describe exactly what this journal is like and maybe how people could get it if this is a need in their life? Well, as you can tell, we're pretty excited about our new prayer journals. It's one thing to talk about how helpful journaling can be, but we wanted to make one available that it actually encourage you and enable you to do it. Inside, Chip's given you a few of his journaling tips. And while there are a few scriptures and quotes here and there, there's plenty of room for you to write out passages or prayers or just what's on your heart between you and God. They come in a couple different colors with embossed gold or silver trimmings.

And the whole thing is beautifully finished and bound. For a limited time, our brand new prayer journals are discounted. So I hope you'll check them out today. You'll find all the details at livingontheedge.org.

App listeners will find them when you tap special offers. And for more information, just give us a call at 888-333-6003. You know, it's one thing to talk about having the right attitude toward difficult people, but it's another thing to do it, isn't it? I said in the message, sometimes the person we most want God to remove from our lives is the person we need the most.

It's a great theory. It's biblical. I gave you verses to back it up. And intellectually, you may nod with me, but living it out in real life is a killer, especially if that difficult person lives under your own roof. You know, I've shared, I've got a son that we went through some very, very difficult times with many years ago, and we were being the best Christian parents we could. He didn't go outside of the big moral boundaries, but he made my life miserable. He knew what my hot buttons were.

He had a rebellious attitude. There were literally times when, for whatever reason, he couldn't make it home for dinner. I mean, in my heart I'm thinking, this is great. There's peace.

I am glad my son is not home for dinner. Well, that produced a lot of guilt, but I mean we banged heads and banged heads. And I look back now, and I look at this passage that I've just taught, bear with one another. And I realize that God probably did more in my life in that two to four year period through my son Jason than any other relationship.

I was asking every day, oh God, remove it, remove it, remove it. And God showed me all kind of selfishness and sin and control issues in me that needed to be dealt with. And I learned to love. And I found someone as hard-headed and strong-willed as me.

Now every story doesn't have this wonderful ending when you hang in there and simply endure in God's program. But I'll never forget the night as Jason worked through his issues, and he later became a Christian recording artist. And he recorded an album. And then on one of the albums, he wrote a special song called Because of Your Love.

And I'd never heard it before. He kind of kept it a secret. And at the end of a worship service, he was in town off a tour. And he said, Dad, can I play a song maybe at the very end, like for an offering or something?

I said, sure, son. And I'm sitting down in the front row. And he plays this song. And it talks about because of your love to my wife and to me.

And I just said, I couldn't close the service. I just bawled like a baby. Because you see, when you bear with one another, it isn't easy. Difficult people are hard. But God uses them to change you. And He uses them to change them. And He produces grace and fruit in both your lives.

And now I look back on those years as ones I never want to go through again, but ones that I wouldn't trade for anything. Don't bail out on the difficult person in your life. Love them. Care for them.

Realize God may want to do something in you through them deeper and better than you could ever imagine. Just before we close, I want to say thanks to those of you who are giving regularly to the ministry of Living on the Edge. You're making a huge difference helping other Christians live like Christians. Now, if you're enjoying the benefits of Living on the Edge but aren't yet on the team, would you do that today? You can set up a recurring donation by calling us at 888-333-6003, tapping the donate button, or visiting us online at LivingOnTheEdge.org. Thanks in advance for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, Chip continues his series, Love One Another, in our next program, so be sure to join us again. In the meantime, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.