Love Sex and Lasting Relationships - How to Know if You're in Love, Part 1

One thing we all long for is to love and to be loved. But how do you know if you're really in love? You can make some of the biggest decisions in your entire life believing that you really love someone. But there's a big difference between love and infatuation, and I will tell you most people don't know the difference.

Learn today that difference. Stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge features the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram on this daily discipleship program. I'm Dave Druey, and as Chip just said, knowing the difference between love and infatuation can save you a boatload of heartache. So today we'll explore how to really know if you're in love. Just before we get started, let me encourage you to try using Chip's message notes while you listen. They're Chip's detailed outline of his talk today, including a great test to help you know if the relationship you're in is love or infatuation.

Chip's message notes are a quick download under the Broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org or fill in notes on the app. If you have a Bible handy, open it now to Ephesians chapter 5, and let's join Chip now for his message, How to Know if You're in Love. Well, I've got a question for you. How do you know, I mean really know, if you're in love? I mean if you meet someone and feelings start to come, how do you know when you're in love?

When you're dating and it's getting more and more serious, how do you know for sure? And then when you're married, and time and years and some things go by, how do you know if you're still in love? Well, love is a tricky business, and falling in love is even trickier. The ancients talked about falling in love, and they compared it to going insane.

It's true. One American author says, falling in love is the taking over of the rational and the lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, and you can't even think straight. Nietzsche even weighed in on what it means to fall in love, and this is his objective view of people who fall in love. Love is a state in which a man or a woman sees things most widely different from how they really are. And then finally, relationship experts Les and Leslie Parrott write as they counsel thousands of students, indeed, steamy starts do not promote our best thinking. Intense emotions often block us from taking a careful and objective look at ourselves, the person that we're dating, and the relationship that we're forming together. The question I'd ask you is if we have this insatiable, internal, God-given drive to passionately find the right person to connect with them at every level, spiritual, emotional, and physical, and then we want it to last and be great forever, why is it when we fall in love we make some of the poorest decisions that produce some of the most dysfunctional relationships and pain in all of our life? So you really need to understand if you're really in love.

To do that, we're going to answer two questions, and then we're going to go on a quick little journey. Question number one is you can never know if you're in love unless you define clearly what love is. We use love for I love pizza, I love the NFL, I love God, and I love you.

Now I'm not sure about that, but that can't all mean the same thing. So we've got to define what love really is. The second thing we need to do is we need to understand what's the difference between love and infatuation. We'll define both of those.

If you are wrong, if you don't understand, if you're confused, boy, you're in for real pain. And so we're going to take actually a little test where you can know whether you're in love or whether you're just infatuated. And then I want to take the last portion of our time and I want to just talk about how do you nurture love? I mean, whether you're not in a relationship, whether you're dating and pretty serious, or whether you're married, how do you nurture the love that God wants in every area of your life?

Question number one, let's ask an answer. So what is love? We use one very general word in English. There's about four in Greek.

I want to deal with three of them. Three very different definitions of love. In Greek, three different words. The first kind of love is called eros love. This is a need-based love. It's a physical attraction. This love is necessary for a marriage to succeed. However, marriage cannot be sustained by eros love alone.

Can anyone think of an English word that remotely might come out of this Greek word eros? Erotic. That's right, we said it out loud and in church, OK? God wants married couples to have erotic love, to be passionate for one another physically. In fact, I'd ask if you will to follow along as I read Proverbs 5 verses 15 through 19. It's a maybe PG-13 passage. But so often we've, in Christian circles, not talked about sex the way God views it.

And because of that, we have all these hang-ups. The wisest person who has ever lived, Solomon wrote, drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow into the streets and your streams of water into the public square? He's talking about your sexuality. He says, let them be for yours alone, speaking about your wife or husband.

Never be to be shared with a stranger. And then speaking to the man, he says, may your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth, a loving doe, a graceful deer. May her breast satisfy you always. May you ever be captivated by her love.

Depending on the text that you're using, that word captivated, it's literally intoxicated. It's these wild, passionate feelings that we have that God's given us that are one component part of love that really matter. It usually starts on the front end of relationships and unless it's nurtured, pretty soon people think it's unimportant. It's a critical part of a loving marriage. Second aspect, because eros does not keep love alive.

If you think about building a fire that, you know, eros is kind of like the paper and the little twigs, you know, a little gasoline and it flames up quickly and gets hot very quickly, but it doesn't keep you warm and it's not sustainable. The second type of love is phileo love. This is friendship love. The Bible uses the word companionship several times to describe a marriage relationship. Phileo love is a reciprocal or sharing love of activities, home, hobbies, games, objects in common, fellowship. We get our word. What's the city in America, the city of brotherly love?

It's Philo... Delphia, right. Romans chapter 12 describes authentic community and authentic community has to do with phileo or best friends type of love. Eros love is you are passionate lovers with your life mate. Phileo love means you become best friends and in Romans 12 it says, Let love be sincere, abhor what is evil, be devoted to one another in brotherly love, give preference to one another in honor, not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord. And then goes on to talk about rejoicing in hope and persevering in prayer.

It's talking about all these kind of relationships where you're devoted, loyal, friends, caring. This is grinding out life together. This is doing the bills together, but it's also taking walks and playing a board game.

This is, you know, walking around the mall when you really don't want to walk around the mall, but you do. This is watching a ball game and you're thinking, I hate ball games, but my husband's into this. This is putting some popcorn on and watching an old movie and cuddling up close together. It's becoming best friends. Love has an eros component.

It has a phileo component. But it also has an agape component. This love is a giving love. This can be unilateral in that one loves even when the other doesn't respond as expected. It's a self-giving and meeting the real needs of the other person.

But the purpose of helping that person become better, more mature, a godly individual. Agape love takes the initiative. It energizes the other two kinds of love.

And agape love is characterized in 1 Corinthians chapter 13. It's patient. It's kind. It doesn't envy. It doesn't boast. It's not proud.

It's not rude. It's not self-seeking. It's not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs.

It doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. Notice the word always. Always trusts. It always hopes.

It always perseveres. See, you can't give a supernatural love to another person unless you get it from God. And agape love is giving that other person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost.

And see, it's a choice. It's a commitment. It's understanding in a relationship that my wife needs phileo love, but there's the NBA All-Star came on, and I haven't checked my email, and I've got all this business stuff in my mind, but I need to stop and choose to meet that need.

It's a woman saying, my husband needs some eros love, but I'm really tired. It's been a really rough day, and the last thing I feel like doing is being affectionate, let alone making love. And there's a little moment that happens in a couple's relationship where, oh God, I don't have in and of me what I need to give to this person, and honestly, the way they've treated me lately, I don't want to give it to them, but I want to honor and love you, and I want to choose to love, and as I choose, will you give me power? And that is what produces this amazing relationship. But you've got to understand what love is.

Three types. A relationship that really works needs all three. We're going to talk about how to nurture each one in just a minute. Second question we need to ask and answer is, what's the difference between love and infatuation? What we've said love biblically is three different things, but the fundamental aspect of love is it's a commitment, it's a choice. Infatuation is a strong, passionate feeling that comes through chemistry. In fact, I have a quote from Dr. Michael Leibowitz from the New York State Psychiatric Institute, and they've done research that shows when passionate attraction occurs, a chemical substance called phenoethamine is released in the brain, causing feelings of elation and excitement, along with a physical sensation such as lightheadedness, that's that tingling feeling, and a sense of being short of breath. So what you need to understand is when you're infatuated, when you're attracted, when those things start bubbling inside your head and your body, this isn't just, you know, you having an illusion, it's real, it's chemical, it's physical. And it produces these amazing good feelings.

It also produces, as we've talked earlier, about a drop of 30 to 40 points in your IQ. And when you're infatuated, I mean, you get these new glasses. And this is where Nietzsche says, you get these new glasses, and you start perceiving things and life and people and priorities as far from reality as you'll ever do in your life. Now, there's a right time and a right way in infatuation, and those chemicals are a gift from God. You just need to know when to use them, why, and where.

So here's what we're going to do. I've got 12 questions for you, and we're going to walk through and find out whether you're in love or infatuated. And as you're sitting there, you might just go down through, when I go through, and put an I or an L. Now, if you're dating someone really seriously right now, I suggest that you do not do that in writing.

I suggest, you know, maybe on your fingers, you know. But for those of us that are married, I'd like you to think about, how am I viewing the relationship when I see the difference between love and infatuated? Am I in love? Ask yourself, what's the application in our relationship?

So you ready to go? Test number one is the test of time. Love grows, and all growth requires time. By contrast, infatuation may come suddenly.

The feelings, they just explode. You don't have to know the person, you can bump into the person, you're at a Bible study, you're at a coffee shop, you go to a meeting, it happens at work, someone has sort of a bright colored something that they're wearing, he looks really handsome, the light shines through, and all of a sudden, these chemicals start. Real love takes time. Infatuation can just like drop on you, like boom. Second test, closely related, is the test of knowledge. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person.

In other words, to love someone, you need to know them. Who are they? What are their values? What are they like?

Where do they come from? What matters to them? What are their priorities in life? What's their vision?

Where are they headed? How do they treat other people? In other words, to love someone, you have to know them. By contrast, infatuation may arise from an acquaintance with only a few or one of these characteristics.

I mean, you can know almost nothing about someone. In fact, I shared a little earlier when my roommate from college, he came in and said, I am in love. I said, wow, that's great, what's her name? He goes, I don't know.

I don't know. He's had an infatuation, chemicals go off in his mind. Doesn't mean it's bad, it's just not love. Third test is a test of focus. Love is other person-centered. It is outgoing.

It results in sharing. When you love someone, here's the shift. How do I help them? How do I encourage them? What do they need? What's going to make this relationship work?

How do I create time and space and structure and resources and energy and finances to help this person? That's love. By contrast, when you're infatuated, you get very self-focused. Now, some of you will have to go back a few years or others, you're living right in the middle of this, and maybe you have a roommate or you have a close friend, and someone has just met someone, and they're in the, what I call it, the gaga. Oh, man, he is so cool, he is so hot, he is so handsome, he is so strong.

When he turns his head, his chin is like this. It's just amazing. And I just feel this, I feel these feelings all over. It's just wonderful, right?

Men have it, women have it. And so it goes like this, and your roommate goes, I'm going to go to work today because he works at work and he's three cubicles over, and what do you think? Is this dress, does this look good? And then she goes and changes it. No, no, no, what about this today? I mean, three, seven outfits, why?

To go to work. And then you go into a little meeting, and you talk in the little meeting, and you walk out of the meeting, and the guy goes, Oh, my, I want to get to know her. Why did I say that? What was I thinking? I bet she thinks I'm a nerd, she thinks I'm a dumb jock.

Why do I say stupid stuff when I'm around her? Where's the focus? Self, self, self.

Me, me, me. When that's the focus, it's infatuation. The fourth test is a test of singularity. Genuine love is centered on only one person. An infatuated individual may be in love with two or more persons simultaneously. Now, there are times that, as a pastor, you share illustrations, and you try and be open and vulnerable, and there are some that you can only share that are way back in the rearview mirror, especially if you've been married over 30 years. And I didn't know any of this when I was kind of growing spiritually, but I had made a commitment, I was walking very closely with God, and it was kind of early 20s, and I thought I really am looking for that right person, and I'd been out of school for a year, and I was on one campus teaching high school, coaching a basketball team, and then doing a ministry on the weekends, and there was a girl about three hours away at another school that we were good friends, but I thought something might develop. I'd been asked to play on this Christian team, and so guys from all over the United States, and then we played in every country all throughout South America. And so I'm thinking to myself, I really think I have feelings for this girl, and she's the right kind of girl, and nothing's official, but that's sort of in my mind, in my heart, and the first stop is the Dominican Republic, and we play a game, and then there's a girl there who's on a short-term mission strip, and the chemicals went off in my brain, and so we went on a picnic the next day, and I can still remember the red and white basket, and there were some trees, and it was beautiful, and it's the Dominican Republic, and we had a little hour block, and after one picnic of two and a half hours, I was like, oh, my lands.

Now I know why God put me on this dream, on this team. I mean, I'm going to marry her. She's amazing, she's beautiful, we connect, she understands me like no one's ever understood me, you know, after two hours, and I'm telling all the guys on the team, I am in love, this is amazing, I'm in love. And so, you know, unfortunately, we're going to have to stay in contact, long-distance relationship, because we go to the other countries in South America, we get to Quito, Ecuador. We get to Quito, Ecuador, we play two or three games, and then we have a big meal, and there's a missionary's daughter, and I'll be darned, you know. I fell in love again.

And we had a little break, and we sat next to the same table, and then we talked, and we exchanged addresses, and, you know, had a little window of time, we had a couple of meals together, and I just thought, oh, my gosh, now what do I do? Because I think it was the girl in West Virginia, then it's the girl in Dominican Republic, but now I really know who I'm in love with, and God is amazing, he's just, he's filling my life, until we went to Chile. And we got to Santiago, this is a true story, and it's so embarrassing.

I mean, it's embarrassing now. I'm thinking, this is awesome, you know. And so we get to Santiago, Chile, and the president of the federation there, and I came to think in all my travels that Chilean women were the most beautiful in the entire world, and I'm sitting across from the daughter of the president of the federation, and she's probably about my age. She has these dark eyes, unbelievable skin, she has dark, long hair, she doesn't speak English, and all I can do is talk about food, and, you know, donde esta el baño, and a little bit about the Lord, you know.

And we sit across from each other for like an hour and a half, and I can't even talk to her, but I find myself walking all afternoon the next day with her through the markets, and we can't even communicate, and I'm convinced she's the one. And now the guys on the team are just, I mean, it's ruthless. They're just ragging on me, and you're in love. I didn't understand the difference between love and infatuation. And by the way, it's a funny story. I mean, it's funny now.

It was confusing then. But can I tell you that's not just when you're dating. See, genuine love is singular. And see, here's what happens is when you get married, and then you have some kids, and then there's some pressure, and then there's some financial issues or some health issues, and that triangle of God that's agape and aris and phleo and parts of that isn't working too well, you need to understand that just because you're married, infatuation doesn't stop. The chemicals in your brain don't go, oh, you're married. We're not setting them off for you.

They're just chemicals. There's just attraction. And so pretty soon you're married, and it's a difficult time right now. In that difficult time, some people don't look as pretty and so wonderful, and he's gained a few pounds, and pretty soon you go to work, and someone is very responsive, and there's just something about, and there's a connection. And you believe the Hollywood model. Maybe I have the wrong person.

Maybe this is my right mate. I've fallen out of love. Now I'm falling in love. That perspective will destroy two families.

And at best, it's going to last six weeks to 18 months. And you're going to wake up and realize you're the dumbest person on the face of the earth. What you needed to do was realize what real love was, realize the difference between love and infatuation. In fact, I had a guy recently call me from a far another state, and he's a very educated guy. He's a very committed Christian, and he says, I've got a problem. I can't even talk to my pastor because I don't even know how to handle it. And he began to talk to me. I said, well, what's the deal, man? He said, there's someone at work, and we've not done anything.

We're not involved physically at all. But I mean, all that stuff you talk about going along inside your head, I just acted like it wasn't happening. I found myself wanting to be around this woman at work. I found myself talking to her in a different way. I can sense that she's probably on the same page.

I mean, it's a difficult season at home, and it's, Chip, what do I do? I took a deep breath, and I said, number one, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's pretty normal.

Most people aren't this honest about it. And then, let me give you Jesus' advice on this, and it's the only way. He said, oh, great, what is it? I said, if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.

And if your eye causes you to sin, poke it out. To which he said, thanks? And I said, look, you are on a collision course to destroy your life.

That infatuation, it's real, there's chemistry. And then he talked about the relationship in the company and what he would have to do. I said, buddy, I got news for you.

If you have to quit your job or sell your company to be righteous and have a family intact five years from now, it'll be the smallest sacrifice you ever made. How you doing? Do you see how important this is? Love or infatuation? You've been listening to part one of Chip's message, How to Know if You're in Love, from his series Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. In these messages, Chip shares the candid truth about romance, sex the way God designed it, and true love. Because we long to love and be loved, this series will help you discover God's way to make a good match, grow in intimacy, and build a love that lasts a lifetime. Now, for a limited time, resources for love, sex, and lasting relationships are discounted, and the MP3s are always free. To order your copy or to send it to a friend, visit us online at livingontheedge.org or tap Special Offers on the app.

For additional information, just give us a call at 888-333-6003. You know, Chip, what you're describing in this series is so different from what we see in the movies and television about finding the right person. What's the best way to move this teaching from head knowledge to convictions that actually change our behavior? Well, Dave, what I've seen, because it's been out for over 10 years, is that when people go through the book, something dynamic changes. I've had lots of people communicate with me, write me, tell me, email me about the content of these messages. And what they tell me is, I went through the book with the person that I was dating. I went through the book with my fiancé. And then they tell stories about how God radically, radically changed their relationship.

Can you be more specific? I've actually had some people say, I went through this and it made me see I'm not in love at all. I'm just infatuated.

This book is available right now. It's an easy-to-read, and it answers the kind of questions, how do you know if you're really in love? What's the prerequisite for a great relationship? And then how do you find that right kind of person?

I think this is one of the most important things that a single person can do right now, is have a game plan from God about love, sex, and lasting relationships. Love it. A plan that moves our intentions into action.

Thanks, Chip. Well, for a limited time, all the series' resources are discounted, including the book. It's our desire to get this resource into the hands of as many people as possible. So we hope you'll take advantage of the discounts today.

Maybe get a copy for yourself, to read with your kids or grandkids, and maybe one to give to a parent you know who could use a little help getting the conversation started with their kids. For all the details, visit us online at livingontheedge.org, tap special offers on the app, or give us a call at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003.

Well, now here's Chip with his application. Today I want to help you ask and answer the question, Am I really in love? And the first part is definitional, right?

I covered that. Eros love. That's that sexual, passionate attraction. We talked about phileo love. That's that friendship, that family love. And then we talked about agape love. That's that supernatural, unconditional love where you just love the other person with no expectation in return.

And that requires a supernatural work of God inside of you. Now let me share a few delicate things and why it's important if you want your relationship to work. And I want to speak to married couples, okay? Very specifically to married couples.

You have to base your relationship on agape love because you're married to a fallen person, right? Your husband can't come through for you all the time, and your wife can't come through for you all the time. But let me just get down to the nitty-gritty about how life works. And ladies, I'm going to be very direct.

Please don't be offended. But some of you ladies, you feel like all your husband thinks about is sex. Between a man and a woman, we all have different desires, but the average man, there's certain exceptions, but the average man feels deeply loved by physical intimacy. And some of you women are thinking, man, what's with it? What doesn't he get? Because that's not how you experience love necessarily in the deepest way. And so to be able to have agape love and understand this is how my husband's wired, he's not weird, he's not abnormal. Now, guys, I've got something to say to you.

Your wife feels deeply loved certainly when you have intimate moments together, but the background of her feeling love is much more around phileo love. It's a long walk. It's talking about the kids. It's helping them in the homework. It's watching you empty the trash without being asked.

It's, okay, can I help out around the house? It's you thinking ahead. It's you being sensitive and caring and making her feel cherished. And I got to tell you, when it's 9.30 or 10 or wherever you go to bed and you as a husband are wondering, you know, my wife is not affectionate. She looks so beautiful and you have these ideas and you can't figure out why she has a headache.

It's because you haven't cherished her. Agape love is giving another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost. So here's your assignment. I mean, we all want our marriages to be better, more spark, more love, more encouragement, more pizazz, all right? Men, here's your job. Love your wife for the next three days with phileo love. Just choose to do it.

I don't care, you know, don't fix anything. Just care, listen, take initiative, be available. And ladies, love your husbands with some eros love. And what you'll experience is you being an instrument of God to love unconditionally in a way that makes sense to your mate.

And you know, when one person in a relationship changes, it changes the relationship. Just before we close, I want to say thanks to those who make this program possible through your generous financial support. Your gifts help us create programs, purchase airtime, and develop additional resources to help Christians live like Christians. Now, if you've been blessed by the Ministry of Living on the Edge, would you consider sending a gift today? You can call us at 888-333-6003, tap the donate button, or donate online at livingontheedge.org. Your support is greatly appreciated. Well, be sure to join us next time when Shift continues his series, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. Until then, this is Dave Drouy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.