One of the most powerful emotions both for good and evil is anger. When we see injustice, it spurs us on to do something to make a difference. But left unchecked, it will destroy our lives and those around us.
So let's learn to deal with anger positively. Don't go away. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry featuring the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram.
I'm Dave Drouie, and we're currently in our series called Resilient, Withstanding the Storms of Life. Chip's picking it up where he left off in our previous broadcast, so if you missed the foundation for what we're about to hear, maybe take the time to catch that later on the day. You can find Chip Ingram app or online at livingontheedge.org. Key, though, is the premise that anger is a secondary emotion. It's not the root problem, it's the result of something else. And that's where Chip's headed now. So grab your Bible and a pen and let's join Chip for part two of his message, It's Emotional. Our life-changing response to anger begins when we replace, listen carefully, our reaction for reflection. And here's the key question, and I want to spend the rest of my time walking through this with you.
Here's the question. What's the root issue behind my anger? In other words, why am I really angry?
Is it injustice? Is it I'm hurt? Is it I'm frustrated?
Or is it some insecurity? I'm going to develop each one of these very briefly. And what I want you to know is here's ABC, all right? Just please, in your mind's eye, just lock in and think, I've got to be resilient. I can't respond to what's happening to all these things. You know, gosh, there's political division, there's racial division, there's health issues, there's economic issues, and anger is just actually poisoning my mind and my heart. Okay, why am I angry? Am I hurt? Am I frustrated? Is it injustice?
Is it just my own insecurities? And then what you need to do is you need to use what I call the ABC method. Are you ready? A, acknowledge that you're angry. B, backtrack to the original cause or emotion. And they see, consider, what should I do?
That's a process. So let me give you three specific issues that tend to be underneath the surface. If you and I were kind of sitting in a room together, I would have a napkin and I would draw the picture of an iceberg.
And I would put a wavy line over the very top of the iceberg and I would write the word anger on the iceberg. And then underneath of it, I would put the real issues behind anger. And there's many, but there's three foundational issues that cause you and me to spew, to leak, and to stuff. So you ask the diagnostic question, what's behind my anger? And here's the first question, am I hurt? What specifically do I feel?
What unmet need do I have? When we're hurt, and it can be real or it can be perceived. It can be as little as a comment that someone says or devastating that someone emotionally or relationally or physically hurt you. Or it could be what happened in the job or in the meeting. A lady wrote me a letter who was one of those people who said, you know, I'm really not a person that has anger issues.
And she writes, she goes, the talk on anger brought out a lot of things that I've been sorting through and I've struggled with all week. I had a scenario at work last week that caused me to become very angry. A coworker was working on a project that I knew a lot about.
I thought I had a valuable insight to offer and I wanted to make sure that the best alternative was presented and chosen. Evidently, I had overstepped my boundaries because the manager, in polite words, told me to shut up and butt out because it was not my project. I immediately clammed up and fumed inside.
I am the stuffer type. It wasn't until later that I realized my feelings were hurt and I wasn't even sure why. Now when I look back, I realize I took it as a stab against my self-worth. For someone who seeks the approval of others, this was a devastating blow. I felt rejected and when they disregarded, especially, my valuable advice. And then she writes, it's amazing, I never realized anger is a cover up for hurt or insecurity. I should have put two and two together because whenever I'm angry, it's usually because my feelings have been violated in some way. And then she finishes her letter to me.
She goes, I love it when I see these startling revelations. It's tragic on the one hand as I'm now realizing the severity of my problem. But on the other hand, I can now take crucial steps of healing, recognizing the problem is the first step.
And this is what I've seen. I've seen so often that people, they have anger issues. Some of you don't even know you have them. Others are spewers and you do and then you say, I'll never do that again. And you feel so bad and you feel so guilty and you tell people, I'm so sorry and you're very sincere and then you do it over and over and over again. And some of you are leakers and oh no, I'm just sarcastic and it's the way I grew up and our family is that way and that's how we express affection.
And I just want to tell you all that is a bunch of baloney. The fact of the matter is there is unresolved issues and anger is the tip of the iceberg. And so many of us feel hurt, but we don't know how to get our hurt out and deal with it.
And so we either bury it or we pass it on sideways or we just get fed up over a time and then we spew. So let me give you a tool. This is a tool I call the I feel message.
I'm always grateful when I get to share a tool that I got in marriage counseling many years ago in our early marriage. Therese and I did not know how to communicate and we had no idea how to resolve anger. And we were with a biblical counselor and just a tremendous guy and I mean we couldn't resolve anything. We couldn't communicate. We couldn't talk about anything that had potential conflict.
I was a talker talker talker and she was a clam-upper clam-upper clam-upper. And so if we had a disagreement she would just turn one way in the bed and I'd turn the other way in the bed and we'd do that for two or three nights and then we would get up one day and just pretend it didn't happen and get nothing resolved. And so he said here's you need to learn to attack the problem instead of the person. And so we nodded our head like you know good people doing counseling. That sounds like a good idea.
Okay now here's here's the tool. It's called an I feel message. So we had a little three by five card and in bold print on the refrigerator for two years.
Yes two years. I feel dot dot dot when you dot dot dot. So I feel hurt when you come home late for dinner when I've worked all day to fix it to say I love you. I feel hurt when you reject my affection when I feel very close to you and you seem cold and irresponsible. I feel you get it frustrated. I feel mad. I feel sad that we don't talk more deeply and more openly with one another. You see no one can deny your feelings. You know that's different than you ought you should you never those are killer words. So if you're hurt doesn't get addressed it will go somewhere. And so we had to go into training and we had to learn I feel messages.
And by the way sometimes you're not ready to say them to your boss or your mate or someone that you might think right now either you're not ready or they're not safe. Do you realize there's someone that you can give your I feel messages to that can take whatever you can give him. It's called the Lord Jesus. It's called God. If you would if you would open up the Psalms 25 to 30 percent of all the Psalms guess what they're called lament Psalms.
That's the formal name and they go like this God I feel angry I feel ticked off. Where are you. Why did you allow this to happen. That's not fair.
This stinks. I'm absolutely ticked off. How come the bad people get good stuff and the good people get bad stuff and why didn't you come through.
I mean they are gut wrenching and it's interesting as they share that lament and those feelings honestly then there comes this point where they get some perspective and God begins to speak. Let me encourage you to share your hurt with the Lord. The second diagnostic question behind your anger is first am I hurt. The second question ask is am I frustrated. See anger is inseparably linked with our expectations.
The first step to examine is how realistic are my expectations. You see unconsciously we have expectations like life ought to be fair. You should love me. You should never get mad or get down on me. I should be happy. I must be fulfilled.
My job should work out for me all the time. My kids should always be well behaved. My husband should be kind and considerate.
My wife should be affectionate and caring. We have these expectations that we lay there and then when they're not filled guess what we feel frustrated well frustration is sort of a mild way to say that you're angry. Killer words when you're frustrated and not that any of you would really have words like this come out of your mouth I'm just kidding. You know when you get in a real argument with a friend with a co-worker or with a mate you never you never do this. You always do this. You're just like your mother. You're just like your brother. You ought to.
You should. Those are killer words always never every ought and should ought and should are what parents say to children. Always and never are never true.
I mean no one never does anything and no one always does anything. And so what they do is they they're just attacking words. They're labeling words.
They shut things down. And so I would encourage you to just say Lord will you help me eliminate those words from my vocabulary. And you say to yourself well what do you do then when you really get discouraged and frustrated.
Tool number one is I feel message. Tool number two is a desire versus I demand expectations. You know a demand is you ought you should. Why don't you.
What's wrong with you. I desire it goes something like this. I would really like to spend more time together and have some times where we can really talk. I desire. It would be great if you could come home earlier. I notice when you're home for dinner it really perks up me and the kids and it's really important to us. I desire that you know this year we could really block off some time and take a real vacation. I see that you're working really hard. You know I wish that when you call a meeting that late at night and I'm out of town that you would have the expectation that you know three thirty in the morning when I'm in another country or on the East Coast that you'd expect me to be there. You're saying that to your supervisor.
I wish I desire it would be nice. Those are messages that people can digest when you poke when you attack. Guess what. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
So how many of us have been you ought you should. You know here's how a lot of conversations go in homes or among friends or even at the workplace. And the person responds no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. Right.
I mean it's nuts. And what happens is you have two people that are far apart. Wounds. Scars. Be quick to hear.
Be slow to speak. Right. Be slow to anger for it doesn't achieve the righteous life that God desires. The question is why am I angry. A. Am I hurt.
B. Am I frustrated. C. Am I feeling threatened. You know when someone uses harsh words or calls you a name or gives you an angry look or someone cuts in front of you in traffic and then makes a gesture that's probably not saying we're number one. When you hear angry voices when someone insults you or when someone violates your space or even physically hurts you or attempts to you feel threatened.
That's normal. When you feel attacked you feel exposed. Each of these times it's interesting how God gives us biblical examples and in this one it's interesting in First Chronicles chapter 15 verses 29. It's about King Saul. He's the king and he has all the power and he just he hears songs about David.
He hears songs about you know Saul has slain his thousands and David his ten thousand. Well instead of like wow I recruited him. I helped train him.
He lived in my house. What a great success my life must be to empower a young man like David. No he's threatened. He perceives it and takes it as you know my territory my power. And when we're insecure whether it's real whether it's just perceived when we fear that we're being exposed or when we feel inferior or we fear rejection or we feel like we're less than all of those things we feel threatened.
The word is insecure and those things cause us to respond in anger if we don't process and ask why am I angry? What's going here? Who's firing the darts? Is there something to learn?
Whose approval do I need? As I think through just asking these questions you know I think of Joseph's brothers right? You know they try to kill him and they decide to sell him. Well they were mad but why? Because they were hurt. I mean dad treated Joseph different than us and so there was hurt. No one likes to be treated that way and so they respond in anger. Remember Naaman the guy who came from Syria and he wanted to be healed and the prophet didn't even come out and talk to him he just said hey send a servant out and said hey why don't you go dip in the Jordan River?
And this guy has come all this way and brought his camels and donkeys and thinks he's going to pay for it. And I mean the text says he was livid. He was frustrated. He was livid.
Why? Because his expectation was. The text says well I thought he would come out and say some holy words over me and there's lots of rivers I could have gone to a river in Syria. And thank God he had a servant who was sort of saying and said hey boss if you would have said you know do X Y or Z something really hard you would have done it.
Why don't we at least go try this? And of course he did and he was healed. But all I want you to see is that over and over in scripture anger and the root causes of anger are the things that can destroy relationships, can bring us down. In fact they're at the core of not being resilient. Unresolved anger issues, not getting to the root problem means that you won't be resilient. Anger is something that can cycle.
You know you get stuck in it. Resentment. The scripture talks about don't let a root of bitterness grow up and by it many be defiled. We are living at a time in our country right now with political issues, racial issues, socio-economic issues that resentment and bitterness, blaming a deep-seated kind of anger can poison your soul. And I can't say this anymore bluntly or honestly. Repent of that. Do not allow you to have a us versus them.
Every person in the world is made in the image of God. Democrat, Republican, white, black, Hispanic, Asian. Okay? Rich people, poor people. This political party, this movement.
We cannot have a broad brush that puts people in categories. You don't want that for you. Don't do that to anyone else. What I would say by way of an aside is you will never overcome those kind of issues unless you get some proximity.
You have to get close and get to know a real person with real feelings with a real life that's different than you. Can I encourage you? Don't post things on Facebook. Don't be negative.
Don't be critical. Live in such a way. Let your light so shine before men that they could see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven. Holding forth the word of God, the apostle would say that you could be a beacon of light in the midst of a perverse and crooked generation.
God wants us as believers to bounce back from what's happening. Be difference makers. Be the light.
Be the salt. Finally, I would just say that anger can be turned from your archenemy, the horse that keeps throwing you off and causing damage to being a faithful ally. In fact, the Bible actually commands us.
Are you ready for this? Ephesians 4 26 and 27 commands us, be angry. In other words, be angry, the right kind of anger at the right kind of things, and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
Message? Deal with it. Resolve it.
Look under the hood. And do not give the devil an opportunity. Think about that. There's probably few areas that allow demonic activity to begin to fester in people's minds and souls and hearts like unresolved anger. God doesn't want us to blow up, to bottle up, or to leak out. He wants us to be angry and not sin. He wants us to take the power of the wild stallion of anger and tame it, to use it as a tool to motivate us to righteousness, a tool to see areas that he wants to change deep inside of the core of our being. He wants us to learn to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, to become like him and bless and love those around us. Lord, I pray for my brothers and sisters right now that in this moment your spirit would bring to mind how they deal with their anger.
Whether they spew, whether they leak, whether they stuff, or as many people wrote to me, I do two or three of these. And Lord, would you help us to understand that you understand what's going on, that you want to help us, that anger poisons our soul, ruins our relationships. Lord, please help us. I pray for those that have deep unresolved anger issues that you would give them the courage to get help, to find a great Christian counselor, a pastor, an older friend. Lord, I pray for those that stuff and feel down or depressed that maybe the light would come on and they would realize they've been really angry about some things or to some people and they've never realized it until right now. Would you help them to get out a sheet of paper or a journal and just start to process, I feel, and begin to write it out and allow you to bring to their mind and get it out of their insides and onto something objective. And Lord, I pray since we're going to all feel angry and be disappointed, would you give us the grace to bring our anger to you?
You can take it, to be honest with our emotions before you, and then get your perspective. And then be the men, the women, the students that you want us to be. In Jesus' name. Amen. Chip will be right back with his application, but if you're just joining us, you're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And Chip's talk today, It's Emotional, is from his series called Resilient, Withstanding the Storms of Life. Navigating life's storms is never easy, but as believers in Christ, God gives us the resources we need to keep standing strong, no matter what comes our way. Chip's teaching provides a fresh perspective from James Chapter 1 on not only how to do it, but how to do it well and bless others along the way. For a limited time, the resources for Resilient are discounted and the MP3s are always free. Now to order your copy, or to send it to a friend, visit us at LivingOnTheEdge.org, tap Special Offers on the app, or give us a call at 888-333-6003.
That's 888-333-6003. Well Chip, I know you've got a great application for today, but before you get to that, your latest book has taken off like we've never seen happen before. Both here in the U.S. and literally around the world. Would you talk for just a minute about why you think that's happening?
I'd be glad to, Dave. We all get stuck. We don't know what to do. I mean, should my kids go to this school or that school? Should I relocate? Should I sell my house?
Should I try and stay with this job, find a new job? I mean, people right now are living in unbelievable confusion and they need answers to specific things that there's no Bible verses, right? There's not an absolute right or wrong, but God promises to give supernatural wisdom. That's the skill and the ability to know exactly what to do, when to do it, and how to do it in your specific situation.
And He promises to give it 100% of the time if you will fulfill one condition. And in The Art of Survival, we explain what that condition is and how every believer can experience it. It's called The Art of Survival.
Art is an acronym, A-R-T. A is the attitude that helps us navigate adversity, R is the resource God offers in adversity, and T is the theology that guides our perspective in adversity. In a world of chaos and confusion, Chip explains there's an art to survival, skills honed by practice that lead to joyful endurance no matter what. If you're looking for a path to perspective and peace, you need to read Chip's new book, The Art of Survival. Get your discounted copy at LivingOnTheEdge.org with the Chip Ingram app or by calling us at 888-333-6003.
That's 888-333-6003. I hope you'll do it today. As we wrap up today's program, I understand this is only two broadcasts talking about the emotion of anger, and every time I talk about this, no matter where or with whom or when, I get an amazing response of the lights coming on and people thinking, wow, this is bigger and deeper and I need help.
And so first let me tell you that I have one word picture that I think will help that I want to share with you right now, and then I wrote a book called Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, and that same content is available on our website, MP3s, that you can get for free. And what I want you to know, those of you that this poked you somewhere, don't just go on. This is a turning point in your life. You see, anger is like a red light on the dashboard of your car. You're driving your car, the red light starts flashing. You don't stop the car, get out, open the trunk, get a hammer, and then get back in the car and smash the red light, right? It does no good. The red light is not the problem.
Anger is not your problem. It tells you something is wrong under the hood in your soul. It could be that you've been hurt. It could be you've suffered injustice. It could be there is an injustice that's wrong and God is moving you to act on it.
Here's what I want you to know. Anger actually can be your friend, but never think it's the issue. It's a secondary emotion. We've done some teaching on this that I would love to get in your hands because anger is destroying so many people's lives.
Some of you are depressed because of it, some of you are ruining relationships without burst, and some of you are passive-aggressively just alienating people. Get a hold of your anger. Let God do what He wants to do.
Are you ready? The Bible commands you, be angry, but do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Deal with it, get help, and we would love to be that help. Well, just before we close, I want to say thanks to those of you who are giving regularly to the ministry of Living on the Edge. You're making a huge difference helping other Christians live like Christians. Now, if you're enjoying the benefits of Living on the Edge but aren't yet on the team, would you do that today? You can set up a recurring donation by calling us at 888-333-6003, tapping the donate button, or visiting us online at LivingOnTheEdge.org. Well, thanks for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, for all of us here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.
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