Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. When life gets tough, people start the blame game. We start blaming one another, and when we blame, then gossip, slander, rumors, lies—words have amazing power for good or for evil. Today, we're going to talk about how to control what comes out of your mouth and how to deal with the lies and the pain inflicted on you. Welcome to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
We're continuing our series, Building Authentic Community: How to Lift Up Those You Love. And today, Chip turns to a subject most of us would rather not talk about: how we talk about other people, from ordinary conversation to prayer requests to asking a friend for advice. Chip shows us three surprisingly common ways we tear each other down without even realizing it. And the Book of James doesn't soften the verdict. In fact, it makes it clear this is one of the most serious sins in all of Scripture.
Well, here's Chip with today's message titled "Why We Wound Others with Our Words." Few things have the power to ruin a relationship like critical, accusing, defaming, hostile, inaccurate, and even slanderous words. Think about that. Few things. And all the world have the power to literally destroy or ruin a relationship, like critical, accusing, defaming, hostile, inaccurate, or even slanderous words. And if you're wondering about whether that's really true or not, let me ask you a few questions.
Has anyone ever said anything about you that was untrue, misinformed, negative, judgmental? Has anyone ever communicated something behind your back, and you found out about it that they wouldn't say to your face? Anyone been critical of you? Anyone said something to another person that questioned your motives, your integrity, your character? Has that ever happened to anybody in here?
It sure has to me.
Now here's the next question: How did it make you feel? Can you think of a good relationship that is destroyed because of this? Here's all I can tell you: nothing has been more painful in my life. I've lost more night's sleep and have felt more angry and more hurt than any single thing in all the world is when people have, by their tongue, attacked me or someone that I love. And what we're going to find out is not only why this happens and why it happens in the church, why we wound others with our words, but I praise God, we're going to learn how to cut this off at the pass, how to begin to eliminate this in our relationships, and beginning with us in our own life.
So, James chapter four, we're going to look at verses eleven. And twelve, and listen to what James says. He says, "Brothers, do not slander one another." That's a command.
Now he's going to give a reason. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. And now he's going to make some logical deductions. When you judge the law, you're not keeping it, but you're sitting in judgment on it. And then, verse twelve, he's going.
Well, wait a second. You've you've kind of got the wrong job description. There is only one lawgiver and judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you, who are you to judge your neighbor? And so the context we know, brother, brother, brother, neighbor.
It's a relational context. We know it has to do with our speech because it's slander. Speak against, speak against, and then we know there's something having to do with the law. But the emphasis has to do with judging. We are judging in a way that's inappropriate, and this text is going to teach us that there's only one true judge.
Is that fair from what the Bible actually says there?
So you're just learning Bible study methods.
Now let's break it down together. As I studied this passage, the first outline point for me is it's clear that we're commanded to stop tearing one another down by our slanderous speech. That's what he's saying. If you summarize the command, he's saying stop because it's happening, tearing one another down by your slanderous speech. And you say, "Well, well, what is slander speech?" The word "slander" means to say something untrue, and that's a decent translation.
It's maybe not the very best translation because this word is is a little bit more than slander. Slander is when I say something about someone that's untrue. This word, however, has the idea that I could say something that's true, but my tone of voice or my motives—I say something that's true, but my real goal is when I get done saying it, you think less of the person. And so it is the speaking down, the tearing down, the defaming. There is a spirit of criticism.
It's the idea of fault finding. It would include gossip. And it often has the connotation of saying these things when the other person's not around. Second question is: How is slanderous speech commonly practiced? I mean, is this just something that happened in the first century, or does that happen here?
And. I'm going to give you three quick examples. For me, there's kind of first degree slander, second degree slander, and third degree slander. First degree slander is happens in normal conversation. You don't even mean it.
It's not willful. It's not intentional. It's a coffee break. It's around the office cooler. It's in the car.
It's around the dinner table, and it often happens as you're in the car driving from a worship service. Second degree slander is in the form of prayer request.
Someone walks up, and it usually starts with, "I really shouldn't say anything." By the way, when someone says that, a good answer is then don't. It starts out with, "I really shouldn't say anything," but so that you can pray, and please don't pass this on. But Bob and Judy need prayer. Oh, really? Why?
Well, they're having troubles, you know.
So, in the form of a prayer request, we say things to people. That do they pray? I hope so, but their evaluation of that person goes down a number of notches. First degree is normal conversation. Second degree slander is in the form of prayer requests.
Third degree slander for me is under the guise of getting help with a problem relationship. I don't know if this has ever happened to you. I've actually done this one on multiple occasions. I'm ashamed to say. And this is when you got a real problem situation.
It's often in the church. It can be in a family situation. This happens all the time in work situations. And you find a person, and you usually have chosen consciously or unconsciously this person because they're very strategic. Because when you get done talking, especially if it's going to be a big problem, you want this person's view of reality framed, and you want it framed through your lens, not the lens of the other person.
And so, what you say is.
Something like you know, I've really got a pretty significant problem with Joe, and you know, I need your counsel. See, that people always like to give counsel makes them feel like they're smart and they're needed, and and so let me define the problem for you, and let me analyze it, and and and so you know, in light of his family background and his little time with the company, and you know, he's had that history you're probably aware of, you know, with a temper with other employees, and you see, we had this situation, and what I do. As I'm under the guise of asking for help in a problem, I frame the problem, I analyze the problem, and I become the victim. And I share all the dirty laundry of the person that I'm supposedly getting help for. And what it does is it neatly frames the situation so that if there's a political A big thing that's going to happen at the office.
I have now taken a power person, and they understand it from my perspective. If there's going to be a big breakdown with, you know, which part of the church is going to be for this pastor, which is going to be against. If it's a family situation, and you know, it's a mother-in-law, and it could divide the family, then what I want to make sure is everyone understands how lily pure I am, and in light of all the different things she's done with all the other kids over time, and you know, when she did come out of rehab, she probably still has some things. She's struggling with, but but you know I believe people need good psychological treatment. She's had years of it, so I don't know.
Maybe maybe it's a relapse. Of course, on the medication that she's on, you know, it's probably not her fault. You know, it's probably an adverse reaction. She's just having a bad day. And if I took those many pills, and I would probably react that way as well.
And it's called third degree slander. And James says, "Stop it." So why do even sincere Christians, and this is the deal, why do sincere Christians get caught in the web of speaking against each other? How could this happen to people that love God? And I'll give you two reasons. Reason number one is this is where I think we buy the lie.
And when it comes to relationships, it's very subtle. But here's the lie I think that we believe: if other people would shape up, my life would work out. I have a conflict with my wife, a conflict with my boss, a conflict with one of my kids, a conflict in a church situation, and underneath, it's a very subtle lie. If this person would shape up, if they would just stop doing this and start doing this, if they would just start doing this and stop doing that, things would be fine. The problem is the other person.
You know, it's the elders; they're not sensitive. It's the pastor; he's got hangups. He's not accessible. And so, what we do unconsciously—and by the way, I'm not saying you do it willfully. I'm saying unconsciously, there is a lie, and the lie is there's interpersonal conflict, or there is a problem, and you unconsciously zoom to the solution.
If that person would shape up, then things would get better. And if that's the assumption, you will find things coming out of your mouth that push them down and position you up. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll pick the message back up in just a moment. But did you know you can actually watch Chip teach, not just hear him?
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Well, now here's Chip with the rest of today's message. And you say, "Well, why would I do that?" I'll give you my reasons of why I do it, and if they fit, you can wear them. And if they're too convicting, you can wear them later. When I find myself doing this, it's to cast blame and avoid responsibility. When I do this, I often find myself.
What I'm really doing is justifying my behavior, because if I'm part of the problem, then I've got to deal with some of my stuff. Often when I do this, people have hit home, and I'm afraid I'm going to be rejected. And the best, you know, defense is often a good offense.
So if you're afraid that you're going to be rejected, what you do is you put down the other person first. I found it very effective, by the way. Fourth, I find myself doing this to mask my insecurity. I mean, I'll tell you, your life will get a lot better if you can just realize everyone on the planet is desperately insecure, and they just figure out creative ways to mask it, like you do and like I do. I don't care how old they get, how mature they get, how well they know the Lord.
We all make progress. We're desperately insecure people. Final thing that I find myself is I do this to get other people on my side. If I see sort of a storm cloud brewing and there's going to be real problems, I unconsciously begin to drop little nuggets that speak down, that are critical, that put down, that show people in a negative light, so that I will be seen in a positive light.
So when the conflict comes in my mind, in my flesh, somehow I'll come out of it a little bit better.
So the first reason I think we get caught up, we buy the lie, and the second is just the perverse appetite we have for information. Proverbs twenty six twenty two says, "Gossip is so tasty; how we love to swallow it." It is so sickening, but we all just love to hear yucky stuff about other people, don't we? And so we've looked at the passage, we've divined the problem, and now as we seek to deal with it. This issue of speaking against one another—it's multiplied, as I've said, by the fact that I think we're oblivious to it. I think we do it, and it rolls off our tongue, and I don't think it ever comes to our mind.
Let me give you a word picture, because we're going to look at something. I think this can be one of the most radical little portions of Scripture to change you and change me. Because, what's the Scripture say? If you can ever get a hold of your tongue. Man, it'll impact your entire life.
Imagine if you will, five or six little, eight or nine year olds.
Okay, I lived in California where there was a big reservoir, and you could drive over the highway in a big, beautiful reservoir that's man-made, and you could put sailboats on it. And these little kids go down. They live near the water, and they all run down, and they're playing with, and they make these little tiny boats, and they blow on them, and they have all kind of fun. And one of the kids says, "Hey, look at this!" And he comes down, and he finds a little valve, and he doesn't know what. Is and you know how kids are.
Well, let's try it. And so it's old and kind of rusty. And they get a stick and they get it. And when they just barely open it, and when they barely open it, these little pink bubbles come out. And it's like ooh wow, and so they all get all these little pink bubbles start coming out, and then a little ooze goes into the lake, and it's like ooh this is so special, this is so neat, you know, and they they you know they smell it and has kind of a weird smell, and actually they get just a slight buzz for an eight year old.
Woo, I don't know what's going on here, you know, and so they do that, and that becomes kind of like this is cool, and they become kind of like the pink bubble gang, and so they all go down. Hey, what do you want to do? And every time they go down, then you know. One of them, you know, they don't. It's a secret.
It's a secret club, and the little pink bubbles come out and little oozes into the lake, and they don't think about it, but it's really neat. And then when they leave, they put it back and go. And then they're sitting around the kitchen table. They're only eight or nine years old, and this has happened for several months now. And their parents, you know how parents talk around the supper table.
That's parents that actually sit at a supper table with their kids. Great idea, and as they're sitting around the supper table, they're talking about the fish are dying in the lake, and we have a number of kids that are getting really, really sick, and authorities don't know what's happening. They suspect there might be something in the water system.
Now, to these kids, these pink little bubbles—they're just having fun. I mean, they're not trying to hurt anybody. They're just having fun. They look kind of cool. They smell kind of good.
It's just neat. They actually get a little sense, a little buzz, a little reward, a little kind of fun from it. They have no idea that what they're doing is opening a valve of a company that was shut down 45 years ago that is pouring toxins into the water. And I think that's the average Christian. I think the average Christian talks down.
Criticizes and even slanders in very sophisticated Christian prayer request type ways, and they're like little pink bubbles where we get a little shot from them and feel important because we get information and actually convince ourselves that they're really these things are shared really to build up and help one another. And what we're doing is we're putting spiritual toxins into the water system of the body of Christ. And if you think I'm over. Playing this, let's do some investigation on this passage now. Why is tearing others down by our speech and judgmental attitudes?
Are you ready for this? One of the most serious sins mentioned in Scripture. Underline that, will you? One of the most serious sins. I mean, you know, we think you know it's adultery, it's murder; those are big.
I'm telling you, from God's perspective. Speaking down, slandering, leaving people in a negative light is one of the most serious sins in all of Scripture. And then he's going to give us two reasons. Reason number one: because it demonstrates total disregard and contempt for God's highest command to love one another. You say, "Well, where do you get that?" Look what the text says: anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it.
When you judge the law, you're not keeping it, but you're sitting in judgment on it. When we speak against, or tear down, or criticize, or defame, or gossip about someone else, what we do is we put ourselves in the role of judge. In other words, this is the facts. To be a judge, you really need to know all the facts, all the circumstances, people's motives, their hearts, what came before, what all the situations and circumstances could be, and then based on all the knowledge and them and the other parties, you make a judgment. Who's the only person that knows everything about everything?
God.
Now say to yourself, Aren't there some times where we're supposed to judge? At Romans thirteen, civil authorities are to judge. In civil matters. Aren't there times where we should judge? Yes, First Corinthians five and six.
There are times the church has authority to judge in doing church discipline.
Well, aren't there times where there's a problem and I need to address it? Yes, Matthew eighteen. I need to judge, not in judging the person's motives or what he's doing, but if I see someone who is sinning, my role is not to tell anyone else. What's Matthew eighteen say? I go to the person personally.
There is a novel thought in the church. Instead of telling someone else or calling someone else or emailing someone else, I go to the person in a attitude of love and say, "I observe this. I don't have all the facts. I'm concerned that your life and scripture aren't lining up." And knowing how much God loves you and knowing the reputation of Christ is at stake. I'm obeying Matthew 18:15 to come to you in love, and if he doesn't respond, you go back with the witness.
Right? If he doesn't respond to the witness, you take it to the leaders of the church. And there's a real clear way to handle that.
So there is a role for judging. But what this is talking about is this is fault finding, condemning, and judgment. That condemns another as wrong in God's sight. This is judging another person's motives with the goal of lowering. How people look at this person by what comes out of your mouth or what comes out of my mouth, and what's the royal law?
In James two eight, he talks about the royal law. In Leviticus nineteen, we know the royal law. The royal law is what to love one another. The second reason is tied very closely to it. The second reason is because it reveals that we are in fact playing God.
Means you're playing God. You say, where do you get that? Look at the text. There is only. One lawgiver and judge, and one who is able to save and destroy.
But you, emphatic, who are you to judge your neighbor? And he purposely brings that word neighbor in because the royal law love your neighbor as yourself. We are usurping God's authority and His unique role as judge, as lawgiver, when we speak against someone else. To judge fairly, we must have comprehensive knowledge, know all the motives, all the facts, all the circumstances that led to the action and the behavior that we're critical of, and only God knows that. When.
When I begin to grasp how serious this was, I have begun to pray. Oh God, will you begin to filter what comes out of my mouth? In fact, would you begin to stop things in my mind before they just unconsciously roll off my tongue? Because when I just make a little innuendo, when I use a tone of voice, when I say something that's quote just my opinion, but I don't know the facts, and when I get done and someone thinks less of another person, when I've caused their their status and their esteem and their value to go down, I am kata against tearing down, speaking against them, and James says, stop it. We become the judge.
That's God's role. We violate the most and highest important commandment: is to love one another. When this comes out of our mouth. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and a message titled "Why We Wound Others with Our Words." It's part of our larger series called Building Authentic Community: How to Lift Up Those You Love.
Now, if you'd like to hear it again or share it with someone else, you can find it any time at LivingOnTheEdge.org. The words we choose either build people up or tear them down. And which one we choose almost always comes down to whether we've actually decided to love the person we're talking about. That's the whole premise behind Chip's book. I choose love.
Love isn't a feeling that shows up on its own. It's a decision you make, one word and one choice at a time. Today we encourage you to pick up a copy for yourself and a second copy for someone you know who really needs to hear what love actually looks like, or invite them to read it alongside you and. Watch what happens as God's love works through you into them, and from them into somebody else. Get your copies of I Choose Love at a special price today at LivingOnTheEdge.org/offers.
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Well, now here's Chip Ingram. As we close today's message, let me just say before we go any farther, if you feel like the Spirit of God has taken a silver bullet and shot you through the forehead of conviction, and you're just listening and going, "Oh my," I mean, if it's really sin to use words like that, I I am drowning, man. I have blown it. I want you to know I'm in that boat with you. I have taught this.
If you think it's bad hearing it, you can't imagine. When you have to study it and then preach it, and here's my other confession: is I get real clear on this one, and then I make very specific steps, and I see tremendous growth. And like a pendulum, I gradually swing back into getting sloppy with my speech and finding little words come out of my mouth that you know say something that put someone a negative light. And and by the way, there's three things that have helped me. Number one, it's been memorizing a key.
Passage that stays focus on this, and mine is Ephesians four twenty nine. All my kids will tell you that whether you liked it or not, you memorize that. Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification, according the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. If it doesn't give grace, as my grandma used to say, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. And so for me, it's that verse, and the other was Proverbs ten.
I read through Proverbs chapter ten about once. A month, and I mean it's all about my tongue, and I'm at least reminded. The second thing is is making a commitment that whether it's little or big, when God convicts me, go apologize. I hate to do this; it's so humbling, but just own it, apologize, and don't let it build up. And then the third thing for me is in my journal.
That's helpful practice for me: is write out. Honestly, you know, I I so want to lie to myself. Write out what you actually did or what you actually said, and then ask God to forgive you. And when I see it in print, it is so distasteful that God uses that to motivate me to just keep my mouth shut or guard my mouth much better than before. I'm on the journey.
I hope those three things can be a help to you. But it starts with saying, God, you know what? I want my tongue to be a gift. Gift of life, because there is life and death in the power of the tongue. I'm your host, Dave Drui, and we'll see you for part two of our message next time here on Living on the Edge.
Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.
