Today I'm Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Most marriages don't break apart. They drift apart. Relationships need connection to stay healthy and alive. Today we're going to learn how to create connection and experience real joy.
It keeps your marriage alive. Stay with me. Welcome to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Drewy, and today we're continuing our series Choosing Love with Powerful Practical Communication Tools. Last time, Chip taught us from John chapter 15, where Jesus uses the metaphor of the vine and branches to explain how to stay connected, first to him, then to one another.
Today, Chip applies those biblical principles of connection directly to marriage, starting with principle number one. You cannot impart what you do not possess. If you've been going through the motions but missing real connection, these practical exercises can transform your relationship.
Well, here's Chip with today's message. Principle number one is you can impart what you do not possess. We must abide in him. to have his love to give to our mate.
Okay. I don't get up and read a couple chapters, or three chapters, or a small book, or a little paragraph of the Bible in the morning and go, wow. Man. Two chapters a day keeps the devil away. Glad I got that done.
And so my point is. as you stay connected. as you're in his word. As you talk to him from the heart. As you have some guy friends if you're a guy, and some girlfriends if you're a gal, and if you have some couples if you're a couple, that you build into one another's lives so that Jesus living in them, right, faith is as much caught as taught.
And as you abide. Then You have this capacity because you're receiving his love to give it away. Second is connection is built on communication. Right? My words abide in you, and you abide in my word.
Connection is built on faithfulness and obedience. He that keeps my commandments, he that loves me. If you abide in my love, just as I abide in my Father's love. And then I think he used this picture for a reason. Um Communication takes Time.
You got to be faithful and you got to respond. You have to talk, you have to listen. And it's not just with the Father, now this is with our mates. You can't microwave a relationship. There's just no substitute for time.
Yeah. And it's not time where you're multitasking. It's not time when ESPN is on or someone's watching the news or it's not time when both people are semi-on their phone. It's time where all of you is focused on all of him or all of her and the goal is to connect. And if you don't connect, if you don't abide, Then what do you do?
You drift. And and Part of the the deep sense in your soul that where you feel a together. It's a sense of we are going through life. It's a sense of strength. It's a sense of Can't you have great joy in the midst of even challenges when you really feel like you're in it together?
Haven't you been through that? And circumstances can be great. and you're not connected and still life isn't working. Um Connecting is about renewing your heart. and we live in a world filled with drift.
and distractions. What's the plan to stay connected?
Well, the key, I think, is communication. Third principle is joy is the fruit or the overflow of connection with Christ. and with one another. And I will tell you, it'll sustain you. I've been through lots of ups and downs in our life, and you know, ministry ups and downs, and betrayals, and difficulties.
Teresa and I, eight or nine years ago, went through cancer together that she went through, and Um I can tell you when you're connected To God. and you're connected to one another. You can go after a radiation treatment and pull up to a Starbucks and get a cup of coffee and and then get one little of those oatmeal cookies and let them heat it up and break it in half, and you can sit in the car together and you can share it, and she can be absolutely exhausted, and you can not know is this going to work or not. And you can think I'm the luckiest blessed man in life. And I don't know how many more days or months or years I'm going to have with her.
But I love her so much. And it was easy to cancel every speaking engagement for the year. It was easy to tell the person that I was supposed to write a book that guess what? Here, you want the money back from the advance? You can have the money back.
I'm not going to write a book. I'm not going to go speak anywhere. I'm going to be with her. And we're gonna go to every appointment together. And I would never wanna go through it again, but I will tell you, in the midst of that difficulty and that pain, there was a love that we experienced and a connection because you really, when you start thinking, I may not have this person very long.
I'll tell you what, it changes how you think, it changes how you talk, it changes how you think about. I'll tell you what, you want a little exercise? Pretend your mate has cancer and has about 60 or 90 days to live, and treat them like you only have 60 or 90 more days with them. That'll shake up your relationship. I I remember uh Reading about a lady who was having a marriage, and her husband was a type A, very busy, pretty insensitive business guy.
And she had tried, you know, different ways, you know, classic ways to, you know, we need to spend more time together and, you know, we need to do this and we need to do that. And the nagging wasn't working. And so she had read something about, you know, winning your husband without a word from 1 Peter chapter 3. And so she decides they're going to go on vacation. For a whole week, she's just going to try this absolutely counterintuitive of loving her husband in ways in his love language.
And so she does it day one, day two, day three. You know, and he usually does certain things that she's, you know, hey, we came all the way here and you want to go do that? And she goes, oh, no, that's great. And so she goes through the whole thing. They get to day six and they're ready to go home.
He said, honey, we need to talk. And she got, oh my gosh, wonder what's wrong? And he said, um Is everything okay? And she said, well, why? He said, Well, um You know, I know you saw the doctor a couple weeks or so before, you know, our vacation.
I mean, are are you gonna die? Yeah. And she goes, no. He goes, Well, you've been treating me in such a way like I thought maybe you thought you were going to die and were just being super good to me. And uh She tells a story, but the lights came on and what he realized was How have I missed this in our relationship for so long?
You know what it is? It's connection. Um Ask yourself What is keeping you disconnected from your mate? For men, It's often your work. For women, it's often your children.
And for all of you, it's often your phone. And your laptop. And your Netflix? And you're filling your life with things to mitigate your loneliness. Can be hobbies.
Because you know, if you're going to be really connected, that means you're going to have to let someone see who you are and what's really going on. And it's taken me decades to realize. Being open and real and even sharing weaknesses appropriately open the door for other people to realize there's hope for all of us. But that's got to begin in your marriage. Here's the key.
Focus on how do we get connected at a deeper level. Practical implications: our personal walk with God is critical to a great marriage. That was pretty easy, wasn't it? If you want to have a great marriage, go vertical first. Whatever you need to do to walk closely with God, be in His Word, have some men in your life or some women in your life.
some accountability, some fellowship, some encouragement. Second. is communication skill and practice is the key to a joyful marriage. You have to learn to communicate. And it's a skill and you have to practice it.
And third, the connection is of the mind, the body, the emotions, and the spirit. And so in other words, you have to learn to intellectually communicate, you have to learn to have spiritual connection, you have to learn to have emotional connection, and then you have to figure out ways to have regular bodily connection. There's something very powerful that That God has made when a man and a woman make love, that build a bond and a communication of a non-verbal type that does something in your heart. But if the others aren't a part of it, a woman normally will feel used instead of. being connected and loved and cherished.
You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and there's more coming up in just a moment. If you missed any part of today's message, or if you'd like to share it with a friend, you can find it anytime online at livingonthege.org. And while you're there, you'll also discover a full library of Chips teaching series, small group resources, and practical tools to help strengthen your relationships. Take advantage of all we have available at livingonthege.org.
Well now back to our message. And so let me give you two or three tools to begin to build deeper and deeper connection. The first is what I'm going to call the conference, and it's just a communication skill. And this is one of those that I paid a lot of money for that I'm going to give to you for free. Therese and I I think in our early marriage counseling, we'd have at least two or three of these conferences a week.
And then it got to be a pattern of how we would talk. I mean, we couldn't communicate. And we could not resolve conflict. And she was a stuffer.
So when she had issues, she would stuff it. And guess what happens to people who stuff their emotions? They get depressed. And I was a verbalizer, so I just frustrated her all the time. I would walk around the bed at night saying, the sun can't go down until we resolve this conflict, and quote verses to her.
And she would put her head over her pillow and just think, Who is this wild man that I married? He's a nut, which was absolutely true. Um So here's how it works. This is how I learned it. Men, we're the leaders, so we start.
So imagine, in my case, Teresa's sitting across from me. You guys will have to lean in, you make eye contact. Body languages, I'm actually listening, and I say to Teresa, What are you concerned about? And then, I actually do this literally in some cases, but we won't do it literally. I put a piece of duct tape over my mouth.
I cannot respond. I can mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I can't say anything else. That's okay?
Now, you're the woman. Here's the deal. Whatever you're concerned about, it doesn't have to be all serious. Anything that comes to your mind. I'm concerned about our finances.
I'm concerned that we don't have a long-term plan. I'm concerned about that boy our daughter's dating. I don't feel good about him. I'm concerned that I feel so tired. I think something might be wrong.
I'm concerned that you don't seem to like your job anymore. I'm concerned. Anything that comes to your mind, okay? And men, here's what we do. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. You're not going to fix anything. Nothing.
Now, what you'll find is the first time, this could go a little bit long. And your wife will probably have more words than you, but that's okay. Then, ladies. You know, he takes the duct tape off and you look in his eyes and say, what are you concerned about? And guys, here's the non-option.
Oh, not that much. I'm good. No. And you know what? Open your mouth.
Um You know, I'm concerned about that boy too now, what you think about it. Uh Now, guys, you can't repeat all of her concerns. Could you just be honest? She is dying to know what's in here. Anything that concerns you.
You know, I'm concerned that You know, since my ACL, I can't do what I used to do, I can't play sports the way I used to. I'm concerned about. Um you know, whatever.
Next question. You look at your wife, duct tape replaced. By the way, ladies, when he's talking, Duct tape. We don't need, oh, that's so bad. I'm so sorry.
I'll take care of you. You know, just listen. Then What do you wish? And by the way, you don't have to keep it so serious.
Well, I wish we'd win the lotto. I wish we'd go to Hawaii next week. I wish that boy Didn't date our daughter. I wish we could have more talks like this. I wish we would have a retreat like this once a year.
I just I mean, literally, if if there was a little you know, one of those lamps, and you could wish and you could have it, just say it. Whatever it is. And then we switch it, and the man gets to do that, and then you get the last question. And as a man, you say to her, Um What are you willing to do? That's the third question.
Now, here's the rule. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to do anything. But here's and then Then you ask him, what are you willing to do? My first time is I was so angry and so hurt.
Here's hers and mine. I'm willing to have another one of these conferences. That's all I'm willing to do right now. Because I there's just too much built up and Here's what this does. Do you realize the average couple Talks.
But says words and rarely gets into one another's hearts. because it's about kids, it's about logistics, it's about stuff. Here's what you end up doing. You end up, if you share your concerns, you're getting to hear. without interruption.
all the things that are weighing the heart of the person that you love. and committed your life to. And then you get to hear Things that would put some wind in their sails, that would lift them up and encourage them. And then, looking at all of their burdens and looking at what would give them a lift, you have the opportunity, and you don't have to do it because it's a free act of will. You could.
lift a tiny burden if you wanted to to, or you could Give it a little lift. And what happened is you've actually communicated. I'll never forget early on on this. I mean, she was, I'm concerned about our boys and their homework and their math, and it's so difficult, and this and this and that, and I feel overwhelmed. And I remember saying, I mean, I was there like...
Okay. I'm willing to take over all the math of all of our kids, of all of their homework. I like math, it's really easy, comes good to me. My dad was a math teacher. Are you kidding me?
I had no idea. I had no idea that that was weighing her down.
So I took that, and boy, their world changed.
Sorry, son, I can't read it. Do it again. But, Dad, you know what? Do it again. They all got very good in math.
And you know what she told me later? She goes, I just felt so loved. Who I didn't even know it was weighing her down. And so we do like a couple of these or sometimes three a week. And then, I mean, to this day, you know, sometimes we'll feel a little disconnected.
And, you know, we did it for years and years and years and years. And we'll know we want to reconnect when we're driving in the car, and she might turn to me and go, so. What are you concerned about? And I'm really like, okay, yeah, we probably need to do this, you know? And it's a great tool.
And I would just encourage you. It's about setting a new trajectory. It's about going into training. You start communicating like this on a regular basis, I'm gonna tell you. You're going to hear Hertz.
And things that you didn't know about, and you'll have the opportunity to come in and express love in ways that are really meaningful. And here's what's going to happen: this, then this, then this, then this. And is it going to be a law threatening?
Well, yeah. And by the way, okay, there's a couple rules to this.
Someone wrote me, you know, after I taught this and said, well, what do you do if you share all your concerns and my partner's not coming in and stepping and taking care of all the concerns?
Well, you know what? It's a communication exercise. If you share all these things with the expectation that if they don't respond the way you want them to, guess who's still trying to control the relationship? I mean, this is a trust issue. Proverbs 21.1, you might jot it down.
This is how you change your mate. The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord. He turns it whatever way he wishes.
Okay? In other words, the most powerful people in the world. If you want to change someone over here, you talk to the king who can change that heart.
So if I can't get through to her, and she will tell you the way she got through to me was like this: up to God, down to me. Because my heart and your mate's heart and her heart are in the hand of God, and you can ask God to speak to them. And this little communication device is going to be very helpful. Let me give you one more tool. I just call it the Care List.
And um So here's the question. This one is not in your notes, but you might want to write it on the back or something. It's really simple. It's, I feel most loved. When you dot dot dot.
And what I want you to do... is list three things. I feel most loved when you Call me for no reason. When you initiate making love. when you take out the trash in vacuum.
When you lead spiritually. When you Don't nag me, but Encourage me to get some time away with my buddies when I really need to be refreshed. I feel most loved when you list your top three, okay? As a man, Don't show them to your wife. Ladies, you list your top three.
And then here's the assignment. You take your list of your top three. and you give it to your husband. You take your list of top three and you give it to your wife. And now, you know what?
We all wonder. How do I really love my mate?
Well, she just told you. Line him up, knock him down.
So this week, you know what? I know the top three things. I'm going to do one of those things in the next seven days for my wife. or for my husband this week.
Well, I don't feel like it. Tough. Jesus didn't feel like going to the cross, he went. Love is a choice, right?
So now we're back to.
Now I've got a game plan. I'm going to serve her in a way that makes sense to her. I'm going to communicate in ways. And I'm going to hear her heart, or I'm going to hear his heart. And we're going to go on a journey because guess what now?
Now I know how to serve. I know what we need to plan about because now I know where the weights and the hurts are, and I know where the joys would be. And so now I know the top three things that make them feel loved. And I'm just going to make a plan to do that. Got it?
According to Jesus, he who has ears to hear, let him hear. What he meant by that is: are you going to act on what I have just said and trust me to the point? of obeying me. And if you do, I will show up in your life. And if you don't, even the truth you think you have is going to get taken away.
So, um I think you guys are going to act on it and you're going to see God work. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we're in a series called Choosing Love. Chip has one final thought to close today's message in a minute, so stay with us. If you want to go deeper into what biblical love truly means, you need Chip's latest book, I Choose Love. In this powerful resource, Chip reveals that love isn't just something that might happen to you someday, it's something you can choose to experience and express.
I Choose Love unpacks agape love, the kind of love God has for people. This love is characterized not by feelings or romance, but by sacrifice and putting others' best interests at heart. If you're ready to move beyond the cultural definition of love and embrace God's transforming agape love, order I Choose Love Today by going online to livingontheedge.org. You know, teachings like we heard today exist because partners like you believe in biblical truth that transforms marriages. When you give to Living on the Edge, you're helping couples build the connection they're desperately searching for.
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Well, now, once again, here's Chip. As we close today's program, you know, I was just thinking, I wonder if Home Depot or Ace Hardware or maybe some of these stores where you just go in and buy duct tape, wouldn't it be exciting if, like, they just ran out? That literally thousands, tens of thousands of you all listening to my voice would say, I'm going to do that conference. I'm going to ask those three questions. What are you concerned about?
What do you wish? What are you willing to do? And then I'm literally going to put duct tape over my mouth and I'm going to lean forward, make eye contact, and then I'm going to really, really listen. What I want you to know, as funny as that sounds, in about 15 minutes, maybe 20, you will hear more of your mates' burdens, their dreams, and a specific way to love them than talking for hours and hours. You know, we get lots of emails and letters of people's lives that are hurting and breaking apart.
And we pray as a staff every single day. And so many of the prayers are around marriages that have drifted or struggles or affairs or problems. But I have to tell you, we also get lots of emails and letters where people say to us, you know, we went through the marriage that works or that series on experiencing God's dream for your marriage. And we have to tell you, our marriage has come back together. Christ is the center of it.
It's completely healed. It's better than ever before.
So here's my plea. Yeah. Please do not simply listen to this. You have to do it. You have to actually do this conference.
Put it on the calendar at least once a week for the next three or four weeks. Three simple questions, block off a half hour or 45 minutes away from everyone else, and then drop me a note, chip at livingonthege.org, and let me know how it goes. Ready to learn how unforgiveness steals your peace and how to get it back? I'm Dave Druy, inviting you to listen tomorrow when Chip Ingram reveals the surprising freedom that comes through forgiveness here on Living on the Edge. Yeah.
Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge. Uh
