Do you know someone with an anger problem? They're outbursts of anger ailing at you, maybe those you love? Do you wish you could help them stop losing their temper? You can learn today. to help others turn their anger from a foe to a friend.
Stay with me. Yeah. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are an international teaching and discipleship ministry dedicated to helping Christians worldwide live out their faith for the glory of God and the good of all. We're in the middle of Chip's timely and relevant series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy.
So far, we've learned where this monster of rage comes from and why everyone struggles to control this powerful emotion. Today, Chip takes our study a layer deeper by suggesting that we can wield anger as a tool for good rather than a weapon for evil.
So if you're ready to learn how to do that, grab your Bible and notes as we join Chip for his message, Turning Anger from a Foe to a Friend. I was an adventuresome eight or nine-year-old. It's probably hard to believe, but I was a very high-risk, loony kid that was in the emergency room regularly. And so we were visiting my grandmother, and she lived out in the country in West Virginia and had this huge hill right behind her house, and there was a little barn. And of course, when I got there, I was about nine, maybe ten, I can't remember exactly, but she said, someone's keeping a horse.
And the big field that goes straight up. Don't go near the horse. The horse is wild. It hasn't been written in years. It's a huge horse.
You could really get hurt. Chip, do you hear me? Don't go near the horse. And I'm thinking, I got that one down, absolutely. You know, I knew exactly what I was going to do.
So I got my sisters to help me, and we found some stuff and we fed the horse and we got him closer and closer. And then I saw there was a saddle. I'm 10 years old. Me and my sister, you know, here, you feed him here, and we got him.
So we put the saddle on, and I'm not sure how to do it. I start pulling stuff. You know, watch those Westerns, you can figure this out.
So I, you know, it's a little loose, but this ought to work. And, you know, we had a rope. I didn't know how to do, you know, the bit through the mouth and all that.
So we just put a rope around his neck. And so, hey, now, Punky, that's my sister's name.
Now, you, you keep feeding him. And I'm going to get on him, you know. And in the back of my mind, my grandma, now, don't you touch that horse, you know?
So I get on this horse. And I know you're not supposed to hold on to the horn, but when dear life begins, so this horse bolts up. I mean, and I mean, it's like a 45-degree, and there's rocks, and he runs as fast. And I gotta tell you, I was having a blast. I mean, it was like, whoa, doop, doop, doo, da, da, da, da.
Then, bum, bita, bum, bita, bum, bita, bum, ita da, bum, bum. And he gets all the way up to the top. And then he stops. And then he turns around. Yes.
And I'm going. Oh and he Goes straight down, and I mean, now I'm just hanging on like this, like this, like this, and I'm realizing: I mean, we're going for this fence. And I'm thinking, I'm gonna die. And so I thought. We're going so fast.
If I bail out, it's going to hurt. If I hit the fence, it's going to hurt more. And so I just jumped off the side of the horse and hit a rock and rolled a little bit. And then he was angry and ran and tried to nip me in the rear end. I got out of there.
And you're thinking, what does this have to do? With anger. Many years later, after learning that A horse can be really wild and dangerous. I have a friend who trained. Horses.
And I went to this little camp. And I got on this horse and he described the horse. He says, if you want it to do this, say that.
So what do you mean you just say it? Yeah. He said, if you wanted to do this with your knee, you go like that, he would do this. With your other knee, if you tap here, he'll do this. All I do is make this sound and he'll back up.
I said, I'll get out. It was like driving a car. Yeah. I mean it was an amazing deal.
Now here's the deal. They're both big Strong animals. One was a wild stallion out of control. the other with a bit put in its mouth. became a source of great joy, Good transportation.
and a lot of fun. That's the picture I want you to have about anger. Out of control? I tell you what, it's like a fire outside the fireplace. Under control?
Focused. understood and used, It's like a fire in the fireplace that brings light and warmth. And so, what we want to talk in this session about is: well, how do you do that? How do you make anger work for you? And I just touched on it.
I want to go through the A, B, C, D's of anger. And as we do that, I'm going to ask you to pull back in your memory my aha moment. I actually learned this.
Sometimes God does something and you have this aha moment. And what I've learned to do is say, God, how did you do that?
Okay, I was studying all this stuff. I came home. I was lonely, hurt, struggling. I got mad. I didn't even know I was mad.
I went to bed. I got up and yelled at my kids and was a jerk as a husband.
Okay, then I got, I sat in my car, I sat there for 10 minutes, and I realized I'm angry because I'm studying this right now. And then once I acknowledge my anger, I backtract. to the primary emotion and I realized anger's not the problem. I'm sad. I'm lonely.
And I'm disappointed. And then number three, what I do. I considered the cause. I had hurt. and expectations.
I expected everyone very unrealistically at 9:30 to be waiting on the edge going, Daddy's home. Life's wonderful. But I I didn't think this all through. And then finally, the last thing I did is I determined how to best deal with it. And my moment of truth was.
Do I sit in this car? Stuff it. Leak it later, like at dinner. Hey honey, what was happening last night?
So, do you give a sleeping pill to all the kids? You know, did you have a good day? I did, you know, you know, and that's what I would do. Or do I walk in there, feel very vulnerable, very naked, and say to my wife, I feel hurt and lonely and disappointed. Because I needed you and you're my best friend and you weren't available.
And I understand why, and I understand my expectations were totally unreasonable, but I need to be around you. By the way, I never finished that story. I can tell you right where I was in the kitchen. My wife put her arms around me and she said, Hon, I understand. And you know, why don't we just, when you get home tonight, let's take a walk, grab a cup of coffee, and I just want to hear what's going on.
And I get this great hug. And you know I I had I had a little decision. That turns an entire day instead of stuffing anger, getting mad, leaking later, and probably not having a good day being mad at other people, I'd find other people to blame. And instead, I acknowledged my anger, A. I backtrack to the primary motion, B.
I considered the cause, C, my expectations, D, I determined a course of action, and in this particular one, although I wish I could say I do it all the time, I did the right thing. And I experienced God's grace. I went from a wild stallion out of control. Make your bed. Have you had your quiet time?
Take out the trash. to a father It's forgiven. filled with the Spirit. reconnected with my wife and with my kids. My anger taught me something.
It helped me grow. It also helped me realize the extent of need that I have. And it told my wife something. A lot of women, especially married to people that are kind of have a lot of energy and. It let my wife know I really need you.
I need you a lot. And so it actually communicated love to her. And so I'm going to encourage you that when you get angry, and by the way, this will be very hard for stuffers. You may need people to tell you you're angry. Because you've been so train in stuffing it.
You actually need to give them permission. That when you start behaving in certain ways, they can say, I think you're angry. But this can be a tremendous process. And now, what I want to do in the real practical is the who, what, how, and when of determining how to deal with your anger.
Okay, I mean so what What do you do? I mean, so here's the questions. You want to ask at who am I really angry? Myself?
someone else the situation or God.
Now this may sound simple. But I expressed my anger I thought I was angry. At my son For not, you know. Having his chores done or my daughter for not making her bed or my wife because she had the audacity to say I'm being unreasonable with the kids But that's not who I was angry at. And until you get clear on who you're angry at.
You can't deal with it rightly and you can't heal. My friend Dr. Becca Johnson. in her counseling tells the story of the young woman who was date raped. Been in counseling for a long time.
and was not making progress. And she said, you know, had a breakthrough in one of the sessions and this young woman discovered that her anger's focus was really not so much on the perpetrator. But she was mad at herself. And she was taking on the guilt, which is not uncommon with rape victims. It was: why did I ever go out with that guy?
I saw a little red flag. I mean, obviously, nothing. And so she was blaming herself, mad at herself. And it wasn't until she realized, you know what, I'm angry with me. That then she could say, now wait a second, are you responsible when people hold you down and do unmentionable things?
No. See, until you understand who you're angry at. You have a hard time dealing with what are the real issues. And we believe a lot of lies. By the way, you know, we do a series on spiritual warfare.
If you think this isn't an arena where the enemy He's a liar? He's a condemner. He's an accuser. In fact, the key passage is what? Be angry, yet don't sin.
Don't let the sun go down on the anger. And why? lest you give the devil a foothold.
So, a lot of these, when you have unresolved anger, there's all kinds of Christians that never think those demonic, satanic, powerful forces. He doesn't need to have things move in your house or scare you to death if he has you believing a lie about condemnation and ruining your present relationships. I mean, why should he show you himself when he has you buffaloed now? And by the way, some of you are starting to deal with anger issues and starting to talk about things, and it gets really hard and really difficult and really threatening. I got news for you.
There is huge spiritual opposition about you doing and obeying and listening, what we're talking about. It's a stronghold.
So, the first thing you need to find out is who are you angry at? I have a very, very close friend. Godly young woman known for years. And uh about every Six months. To 13 months, she has a complete meltdown.
She's been single. She's now in her late 40s. Um and attractive, bright, all the things you would ever think And she I mean gets depressed just It took about five years to realize. and for her to admit she's mad at God. She's really mad at God.
Why haven't you brought someone into my life? And she has some really warped views of God. And so she thinks God is punishing her. And she has a lot of things. But until she came to the point where she realized she wasn't mad at these guys who asked you out once, these guys that once you get sort of serious, back away.
She wasn't mad that Christian guys seem to be, she had her anger in all kinds of different areas. She finally realized, I'm mad at God. And by the way, at least from the book of Job and from the Psalms, God doesn't seem to be too upset when people are honest and candid and angry with him in order to get to the heart of issues. He can handle it. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.
He's near to those who are crushed in spirit. He's near to those to come him in truth. Isaiah, quoting God, says, Call to me. Present your cause. That you might be proved right.
God longs more than anything else for us to be honest. and come to him with the raw pain and the hurt that we have. You're listening to Living on the Edge. Before we continue today's program, let me ask you, is anger devastating your relationships with your family, spouse, or coworkers? Join us after Chip's message to learn more about our valuable small group resource for this series.
Stick around to discover how to confront this powerful emotion and harness it for good. But for now, here again is Chip to continue today's message.
So, number one, as you go through this, you acknowledge your anger, you're backtracking, then you want to say, well, who am I mad at? Second, What should I do? Right?
Okay, now I've discovered who I'm mad at.
Well, it's my spouse, it's one of my kids, it's me, it's God.
Well, what should I do? Express it directly. or release it indirectly. Do I confront the situation or do I conceal it? Will my plans make matters worse?
or make them better. This is where I'm going to ask Dr. Becca Johnson. She says it in two paragraphs, because this is critical. What do you do when you realize A, you're angry, and B, You're angry at someone.
Do you directly go at it and deal with it? And when do you not? She writes, When we find ourselves in an unwanted situation with angry feelings, we basically have two choices. Do I express my feelings directly to the person, or do I release them indirectly through various activities? Dealing with it directly means choosing to confront the situation.
We try and change it. We act rather than acquiesce. We take action and appropriately let the person involved know about our anger and its root emotions, what contributed to their existence, and what we would like to be different. It's best to express ourselves clearly without blaming or attacking. We let our anger be known, but in ways we previously discussed.
I feel blank when you blank. I wish you would versus demand. We get it out wisely and carefully. never impulsively or without consideration Of the consequences and the causalities. Dealing with our anger indirectly gives us more options.
Sometimes it's best to accept things the way they are, conform, and not to share our anger with those involved, conceal. But it's important to make sure our motivation isn't from an uncomfortable situation. We choose this option not by default or out of hopelessness, but out of a calculated conclusion that it would be best not to stir the waters or rock the boat at this particular time in this particular situation. Wisdom sometimes demands that we choose not to provoke or reprove someone when past history or other circumstances dictate it to be an unwise practice.
sometimes we have to find a new job. Do business with a different company, discontinue an unhealthy relationship. We choose not to confront, but to quit. We should consider this only after we've weighed all other options carefully and determined that letting go is the best course of action. Does that make sense?
See, there's times where you work for a boss. and he's making sexual dances. I feel uncomfortable when you make jokes like that. And they continue to make sexual advances, and you understand that your role in the company is of the kind that there may be a time there's someone you're to report this to, and you need to directly say this is the way it is, and understand the consequences. There's other times where maybe it's a different situation, and you realize no matter what you do, you're powerless.
Your role in the company, your role in the relationship, you've said it 78 times, it's the 79th, nothing has changed. You're trying to reprove a mockery, and you realize, you know, something. All it will do is inflame the problem. I've prayed about it. I'm willing.
I'm not uncomfortable. I would do it. And you pray, and God says, You know something? This is not one. Don't go down this road again.
How many times do you need to knock your head against that wall for that bump on your head to get bigger and bigger and more painful and realize on this one, you know what? You know, there was a time, what did Jesus say to some of the disciples? You know, get the dust off your feet, move on to the next town. You don't always have The ability, and sometimes it's not God's will, to resolve everything with everyone. You do the best you can as far as it depends on you.
And that's why, by the way, we have a Holy Spirit. He will show you, if you're willing and open, what to do in various situations. The third issue is not only the who or the what, but the how. How do I deal with the situation? Should I do it in person?
Should I do it on the phone? Should I do it through a letter? How do you know what to do? I would say the best way, if at all possible, is in person. It's the hardest way.
But that's the best way because one, you can read the body language, and you know, the goal is you speak the truth in love. I feel hurt, I feel disappointed, I felt used when. And really, you get to express your anger to a person when your motive is, I love them and I want to restore the relationship, not this will make me feel better because I'm getting vengeance. the goal of most anger is vengeance. And so you need to forgive the person, right?
I'm going to release you. That's what forgiveness is all about. I'm going to be merciful to you the way God has been merciful to me, but I'm not going to be a doormat.
So I'm going to tell you, I feel this way when you do this, but I'm doing it. Not because I can guarantee the result, it's because I love you. And you need to know the truth, and the truth will set you free. And I'm not going to sit on this and bury this and stuff this and pretend that things are okay and have an inauthentic relationship. And so in person is usually the best way.
But sometimes, because of how the person might respond, you might say, well, gosh, I did that once, and that's how when they rewired my jaw. Right?
Or I did that once and it was And so maybe a letter is the best way to go. To a person that, whether they're dead or whether it would be totally inappropriate, and you know the response, to write a very specific letter. I feel blank when you and because you and you write it out and list it out and you get it out here. I remember uh A time where the long story, I won't go into it, but. I was a guy who called me under the premise of something and was trying to trap me, and recorded the conversation.
trying to make me say something bad about someone else. and then never played it but told people I had said things. And I was pretty young, I was like 38 and I was livid. I mean, I was just, I found out about it, I was, I mean, livid. I mean, I had anger fantasies.
Yeah. You know? Like pretending terrible things happened to him and saying, Seth says the Lord, you know. And I was eating up and I couldn't sleep and I was angry. And I remember eating lunch with a fellow pastor, a really godly guy.
And he said, You know what, Chip, you need to do. You need to write that guy a letter. You need to get it all out. You need to get it really straight. And man, there's a brother that really loves me.
And so, man, I did, and I wrote it all out, wrote it all out, wrote it out. And he said, Let me read that thing. And he read it out. He goes, Wow.
So the motivation for this letter was Well Man, this guy did this terrible stuff and he needs to know.
So the motivation is justice, right? And then I noticed that There's some little innuendo here. Except it's not very innuendo. It's like you're kind of. You're really slamming this guy.
Yeah, it's true.
Well, okay, it's true.
So you really want to pay him back. I don't know if I'd call it that. That sounds too much like vengeance, and that sounds like something only God should do. Anyway, I I wrote that letter. And he said, why don't you try rewriting it again.
when you feel like the goal of the letter would to restore his relationship to God and his relationship to you. And it took me three or four days before I could get to where I was willing to do that. I eventually did it. I wrote out a letter. And then he challenged me.
He said, You know what I encourage you to do? Why don't you take that letter, put it in an envelope? and put it in your briefcase. And why don't you just sit on it for 30 days? And I did.
And all the venom, all the junk, all the injustice, then God began to speak to me. And then In that particular case, That letter became just a little monument of God, I'm going to trust my reputation to you at the end of it. the core of my anger. was not what he did. The core of my anger was I was zealous for my reputation.
I was zealous for what people might think. And for me, it was a step of faith to say, I'm going to entrust that to you, Lord. And I watched after years later, God took care of all of that. I never sent the letter. There's a time to send a letter.
There's a time not to send a letter. For some of you, you write a letter and you have a good friend look at it and help you process. But there's some people in this room, I guarantee, that have 10, 20, 30, 40 years of pain and resentment that's buried toward parents or people or someone who walked out on you that is unresolved and it's been a poison in your soul. And you need to sit down maybe this afternoon and write a two or three page letter of what they did, how you actually felt, how angry you really felt, the negative impact and consequences it's had on your life, and you get down to the end. And then by the grace of God, when you can say it and mean it, And I forgive you.
This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message, Turning Anger from a Foe to a Friend, from our series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Have you ever been told you have an anger problem? Has your temper damaged or ruined a meaningful relationship? Are the frustrations of daily life weighing you down?
Well, let's be honest. Everyone struggles to control this powerful emotion at times. In this series, Chip reveals the common ways anger manifests and shares practical, biblical solutions to rein it in before it destroys you and your most treasured relationships. Don't miss how to be, as Jesus said, angry without sinning. Chip's back in studio with me now, and Chip, throughout the series, you've really stressed this idea of anger being an ally.
And, you know, that's so interesting to me because that's not at all how I think about anger.
Well, Dave, you're not alone on that one. I think most people believe that anger is bad, that it's always sinful. And the truth is, it's a neutral emotion. I mean, God wants to use anger for good as much as all the bad that comes out of it. And I think what happens is until you get in a group of people and discuss it and shine the light on where you're angry and why and how it can be used for good, it's pretty tough to discover these things on your own.
That's right. It just feels like this is one of those topics that's best suited to be unpacked and discussed, as you say, in the container of a small group. Would you agree? Yeah, I really do. In fact, there's a group of guys, and they all came out of the Celebrate Recovery journey, and they were involved in various addictions, and, you know, they owned their stuff and have been in this together, about six or seven of them.
And they talked about how they went through a number of our small group resources, and it was like we took our 12 steps to step number 30. 13 and 14. And it was just so exciting because they said so many of us were stuck, or you know, we got involved in things because we were hurt or we were damaged or we were abused or we abused substances. And you know what? There is healing.
Confess your sins to one another that you might be healed. But that healing is always around truth. And I think this is one of those issues that the anger is sort of at the very top and it's like that tip of the iceberg. And when you begin to discuss those things in a safe environment around truth, healing very deeply to the core of our being can occur. And that's why we created a small group resource.
That's right, Chip.
So if you want to get your hands on this valuable resource, visit livingontheedge.org. Dig into this study with a group of friends and uncover how anger may be impacting you and what you can do to harness it to grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Get your hands on the overcoming emotions that destroy Small Group today by going to LivingonTheEdge. Edge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. At Listeners Tap special offers.
Well, with that, here's Chip to share his application. As we close today's program, I'll remind you of the little story that I compared anger to a wild stallion. You know, there's nothing wrong with the horse, but out of control, dangerous, under control, useful. That's your anger. Anger is not bad, it is not sinful, it is not wrong, it is a neutral emotion.
That can be used for great good or great damage. And most of us really have no idea how angry we are. And then we talked about, you know, the very specific game plan of be sure you know who you're angry at, what you should do, and then how to deal with the situation.
Well, I have a friend I was visiting, and we're good buddies, and he's a fellow pastor. And we were talking, and he went through a huge leadership issue in his church. I mean, just one of those deals that, as a pastor, you just wake up one day and you go, What in the world happened? And then he talked to me. Apparently, I dropped him this book in the mail a year or so ago.
And he said, I started reading this book, and he said, I realized some of the big issues. I mean, bad things were happening out there and some ungodly things, but he said, I never in my life thought I was angry. He said, I realized I had major anger issues, but I was a push-em-downer and a leaker. And then I began to see how that had infected the leadership culture. He said, I read that book.
God did something crazy. And then pretty soon I was sharing it and counseling. He told me, Chip, he said, I just said, I forget it. I bought a case of these things. And he says, what I do now is I get in counseling.
I realize they got an anger issue. I said, you know what? Let's stop the counseling. Go ahead, read this book, come back in a couple of weeks. And he said, thanks a lot.
You've helped me out.
So all I can tell you is, you know, even pastors, we just people that we all think are so godly and so wonderful, and they are. But anger is one of those issues that most of us have thought is so bad. Or we don't think we have an anger issue at all. We never realize that God wants to use it for good. How about you?
What do you need to do with your anger? Let's get out of the denial. Why don't you pray honestly? God show me Show me where I'm angry. and how I can deal with it.
And I'll tell you what, he'll meet you. Great encouragement, Chip thanks. Be sure to join us next time as Chip continues his series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Until then, I'm Dave Druy, saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.
