Anger is a secondary emotion.
Now, what I mean by that is your problem is not anger. It's like an iceberg. Anger is the tip that reveals something deeper inside. Many people spend their whole life trying to overcome their anger. It never works because it's not the real issue.
If you want to learn what the real issue is, stay with me. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are an international teaching and discipleship ministry that encourages and equips Christians to live like Christians.
Well, in this program, we're picking up in our series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, with the second half of Chip's message, Why We All Struggle with Anger. But before he gets going, to help you continue to get the most out of this series, let me encourage you to download Chip's message notes. They contain his outline, scripture references, and much more. You can get them by going to the Broadcasts tab at livingonthege.org. App listeners tap Fill-in Notes.
Alright, without any further delay, here's Chip with the remainder of his insightful talk.
Okay. Anger is a secondary emotion.
We got it. It's an iceberg up here. Underneath you have unmet needs hurt. There's two more. The second.
The second reason. that we bolt to anger. is frustration. Frustration is real or perceived unmet expectations. The distance between what you expect to happen.
And what really happens, if it's a little, we call it frustration. If you expect this to happen and this is your experience, that's anger. If you expect this to happen, And this happens, you are super ticked off. A lot of your anger is built into expectations. And by the way, this comes as a surprise.
People actually cannot read your mind. You have I mean, you have expectations, they're in your head that people don't know that they're there. You were raised in a certain way, and your expectation is things should be clean like this. You have expectations of what people should do, what they shouldn't do, what they should say, what they should never say, how they should drive, how they should treat people. And they ought and should and always should never do certain things.
And when people violate those, you get mad. And often you don't know even why you're mad. Proverbs 14, 29. It says, a patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. Anger is inseparably linked to our expectations.
I can remember A time I was in the Philippines, we were doing ministry, and it was a basketball ministry, and we were there for three weeks, and we were out in the boonies. And I mean, like the most wonderful thing about every three days, you would go into a little room if they had it. It would be ice-cold water, and you got to pour it over your head with a bar of soap, and you would get a bowl of rice. And we played three games a day. And it was our winter, so it was their summer.
And so it was like 98 degrees, 101% humidity. I mean, you'd lose about 10, 12 pounds a day in sweat. And so then we got back to Manila and we're ready to head home and they had a coup. They have lots of coups in the Philippines. And they shut down all the airlines.
No one can leave the country. I said, no, no, you don't understand. I have a wife and three children. And they said, well, maybe in three months we'll open this up. I said, you really don't understand.
I have to get back. And I mean, we're praying and praying and praying and praying and praying. And the president or someone says, okay, we're going to let some of the people out of the country. We get on a crowded plane. For 17 hours, no food, no bowl of rice.
I'm the happiest person you've ever seen in your life. I love this. This is great. Can I help you serve the water that's warm to other passengers? I just want to help, stewardess.
This is awesome. I love it.
Okay? Picture number one. Picture number two. I'm with my family. And we were trying to save money.
And so to save money, we had one of those very non-stop flights. And so we got on and it was on time. And uh I had three rather smaller kids at the time. They gave us Peanuts? And seven up.
And then we waited for an hour and a half. Got peanuts and pretzels. On the next trip, then we had Just peanuts? Then we had pretzels and water. And it was about a seven-hour trip.
It was exactly on time. It was exactly what they promised. And I was so ticked off at the end of that day. Why? I got something to eat.
I had a clean seat. It took about four or five hours total instead of 16. When I was in the Philippines, my expectations were: if I can just get out of here, it'll be awesome. Happy camper. When I'm in America, I want, they said a light snack.
How is peanuts in 7-Up a light snack? Give me a break. I mean, like a little dinky sandwich or something, but peanuts. I got three kids, man. They're just vomiting all over the back seat.
They're going crazy. They're fighting with one another. Pretzels, peanuts, pretzels, peanuts. Give me a break. Right?
Expectations. Notice the biblical example here we have in Naaman. But Naaman became furious, 2 Kings 5:11 and 12. Remember him? He wanted to be healed.
And they said, well, go to the prophet in Israel. Man, God's doing great miraculous things through him.
So he comes to the prophet and the prophet tells him to go wash in the river. And Naaman's furious and went away and said, Indeed I said to myself, He will surely come out. These are his expectations. Speaking of Elijah, he'll surely come out, stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over this place, and heal the leprosy. And then he names a couple of his rivers in his hometown.
And he said, Aren't those waters better than any in Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?
So he turned away. in a rage. Isn't it interesting? He came to the prophet. He has expectations.
If he does this, says a few little spiritual words, but instead the prophet goes, tell you what. Why don't you go down to this river, dip seven times? Six won't work. And you'll be healed. How many times have you told God the way he has to work in your life?
How many times have your expectations for other people about how they have to respond, when they have to respond? How many times is life not fair? You know, I expected my marriage to be trouble-free. Right? I expected when my kids got to be 20 or 22 to 3, 24 years old, and they were really grown, my major parenting wouldn't be done.
Right? You know, I expected when I worked really hard, trusted God, gave generously, tried to stay in shape, I wouldn't be the one to get in cancer. But God was in charge, Naaman. Go do it this way.
So much of our anger is this distance between what we experience. and these unconscious expectations that we have. Notice in 1 Chronicles 15:29, it happened as the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord came to the city of David that. McKell. Saul's daughter looked through a window and saw the king whirling and playing music, and she despised him in her heart.
Her experience and expectations were kings always act this way. His behavior is embarrassing me. Therefore she bolted to anger. And the result She despised him. What expectations for those of you who are married do you have of your mate that you just assume are from God and are right and are really from your family background and origin, that they do things differently than you expect, and you have this resentment in your heart?
See, this anger stuff really deals with deep transformational issues from the inside out. Let me give you a tool. This is how to communicate your frustration. It's the I desire versus I desire. demand expectations.
And here's what happens: when you can change what your expectations are, they become a demand. They basically become: it ought, it should, it always, it never. When you hear yourself saying those words, those are demands. Life ought to be fair. My kids ought to call.
My marriage should be fulfilling all the time. I ought to make more money. I should have been promoted. Ought, should, always, never are demand statements. By the way, some of you make those on yourself.
I ought to be perfect. I ought to keep the house clean all the time. I should never blow it at work. I should always have every project done on time, always. And so some of you are mad at yourselves.
You know what? I got news for you. There's only one Jesus and you ain't it. You're not going to be perfect. Bright?
And so you have this anger. What would happen? Here's the difference, here's the tool. You start, and I actually have to write these down. I have to write everything down.
I'm a little slow. I desire to have a fulfilling and deep marriage, even in a fallen world. I desire and long to have a deep, wonderful relationship with my grown kids, even though now with their own kids and lifestyles, they don't respond as quickly as I would like. I wish I desire. I long for.
Lord, I hope. You see the difference?
So when you have a desire that doesn't come through, You have disappointment. And everyone has disappointment. When you make a demand and it doesn't come through, you have anger. And so many of your anger issues and my anger issues are rooted. in unconscious Expectations.
That you don't even know that are there. Number three, insecurity, real or perceived attack on my worth. Often, anger. is merely an evidence of insecurity. in my life.
The tip of the iceberg is anger. It's the red light flashing on the dashboard of my soul. Option number one, it may be hurt. The tool is I feel messages. Option number two, it might be unmet.
needs as a result of unrealistic, perceived, or real expectations. The tool is I desire versus I demand. Oh. You're listening to Living on the Edge? Before we hear the rest of Chip's message, let me remind you that we are a listener-supported ministry.
Your financial gifts help us create programs like this one, develop new resources, and encourage pastors globally. Prayerfully consider supporting us today. Then go to livingontheedge.org to give a gift. Thanks so much for your help.
Well, here again is Chip. The third possibility is basically insecurities or real or perceived personal attack. on my worth. Proverbs 15.1, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. What does a harsh word do?
What does criticism do? What does someone calling you a name do? What does someone cutting in front of you and making a gesture do? What does someone attacking you do? That harsh word, it stirs up anger.
Why? Because you are Personhood has been attacked, your value has been attacked, and sometimes your safety has been attacked, and anger is probably a very wise and good response. Proverbs 18, 19 says, An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city. and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel. Why?
An offended brother, when you attack, or when you are attacked, when your personhood, when your security is attacked. I'll tell you what, the bars go up. Again, let me read a... quick overview of this that I think puts it more succinctly than I can. When we feel threatened, we tend to call a red alert.
Unfortunately, we usually do it automatically without properly assessing the risk. We do it over small, insignificant things as well as big, overwhelming issues. Whether the impending intruder is a mouse or a monster, we gear up for action with almost the same intensity. We get fuming mad when a stranger flips us off on the highway, when our spouse has been unfaithful, when the store clerk makes a rude comment, when the boss takes credit for all the work that we did, when there's a long line at the bank, and when we discover our teenager stole some money. We need to stop and assess the situation before we blast in with heavy artillery.
I came to a little window, and I've shared this before, and I shared it when we started: is that I believe that everybody is desperately insecure. If you study Genesis chapter 3, you'll find that when sin entered the world, a new pattern occurred. God calls out, Adam, where are you? Adam's response is, I heard you coming. Therefore I was afraid.
Why? sin had entered, he now sees he's inadequate. He's self-conscious for the first time. That inadequacy produces fear rooted in shame. Therefore I hid.
Inadequacy or insecurity creates a fear of others seeing me as I am, and so I hide. Paul Tournier wrote a little book that had a fabulous impact on my life called The Strong and the Weak. Swiss psychologist translated from French to English. And he interviewed all these people in his practice and basically realized that everyone's desperately insecure.
Some people have strong reactions. They power up, they yell, they scream, they tell you how many people report to them, how much money they make, where they live, where their zip code is, what they drive. And they do that to keep a distance, and it works. Other people feel desperately insecure, and they use weak reactions. They look at the floor, they're shy, they withdraw, they tell you all their problems, they're like a victim.
And after you hear the sad story the seventh time, you kind of see them in church and say, I think I'll use the other hallway. Both, both. Keep people at a distance. When I discovered, you know what, Ingram, you're going to be insecure the rest of your life. Your only security is in Christ.
It removes the threat. Why should I care if someone I don't know flips me off in the highway?
Well I mean, like who is this guy? My angry response when my security is threatened tells me a lot more about the level of insecurity I have than the stupidity of the driver that just did that. When someone says a harsh word and my immediate reaction is, hey, what'd you say? Wha wha wha wh where's that coming from? Why am I bolting to anger?
It's because I feel exposed. When they criticize my project, why do I get so defensive?
Well, because it's really an attack on me. Do you get it? Notice uh In Scripture here, We've got a couple good examples of both Saul and the Jewish leaders. You know the story, right? David has now killed Goliath.
And um Saul has put him over the army. And we can pick up the story.
So David went wherever Saul sent him, and he behaved wisely. And Saul sent him out men of war. He was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also Saul's servants. And it happened that as they were coming home, that David was returning, and they began to sing this song: you know, Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands. And Saul hears this.
And instead of saying, wow, I must be a great delegator, I'm really looking to build a legacy, I'm empowering other people, and the goal is God's Israel, we are making real progress, he's threatened. He thinks, uh-oh. I'm the king. and it says Then Saul was very angry, and the saying displeased him. They have ascribed to David ten thousand and to me a thousand.
Now what more can he have but the kingdom? There's a very insecure man. at the success of other people. The same thing happens in the religious leaders. You pick up the story in Acts 5: and through the hands of the apostles, signs and wonders are being done.
They're done with one accord on Solomon's porch. Yet none of the rest dared join them, but the people esteemed them highly. And the believers were increasing, and added the Lord added to the multitudes of men and women so that they brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and couches. And even in the least of Peter's shadow passing by might fall on some of them. And so the multitudes gathered from the surrounding cities of Jerusalem, and they brought the sick and those who were tormented by unclean spirits, and they were all healed.
God's doing this miraculous thing as he bursts the church. And here's religious leaders. And they saw what they did to Jesus. They have all this scripture. And instead of saying, wow, I guess we were wrong.
He must be the Messiah. I mean, this is pretty heavy-duty stuff. Everyone's healed, demons are flying out. What's their response? Then the high priest rose up and all those that were with him.
which is the sect of the Sadducees, and they were filled with indignation. And they laid their hands on the Apostles, and put them in the common prison. And I just want to suggest to you that when your reaction is very strong. Very defensive when you respond to criticism in a way that and you may stuff it strongly, you may spew it, or you may find yourself leaking it out. What if?
What if you said, wait a second? Does this person's opinion really matter that much? Am I going to give this person's view of me And an overriding power to determine who I am instead of who God says I am.
So much. of our anger. Is not just hurt and not just frustration, but we're basically insecure people. And when our security or our self-worth gets attacked, we bolt to anger because I will tell you, it's threatening, isn't it? The tool here Is the kind of ask yourself question, why am I feeling threatened?
And here's the little questions, you know, it's a process. But you ask yourself, what is being attacked? Who is attacking me? Is the threat menial? or meaningful.
And whose approval am I seeking? And you know, you just start asking that, and you realize: you know, that's a fellow employee, he's been here two months, he's rude. He's got a big ego. He criticized me. I wanted to punch his lights out.
I mean, that was my initial reaction, but he's really big, so I think I'll not go there. And it would not be a very good testimony. But you have these thoughts, you know? And then you just realize this is silly. I don't need that person's approval.
I got criticized. She criticized me in the car. You know what? We've been married 27 years. I think I can find where we're supposed to go.
I got a GPS. I can see where the little spaces are. I don't, there's one over there. There's one over there. Why do you get so angry?
Woman, I can tell you I can find empty parking spots. Who understand? Zip it, here's some duct tape. Ask yourself, guys, what is it about that that makes you so angry? It has nothing to do with parking spots.
It's my ego is being threatened, and somehow I'm being made to feel by that comment that I'm not smart enough to figure it out. Right? Now there's two applications here, ladies.
So And the other application is guys. You know what? Thanks, son. I get a little help. You're right?
So see When you can begin to understand that defensiveness, that bolt to anger, how many of you have had arguments like that? I mean, great morning with the Lord on your way to church, and over a parking lot, I mean, the Spirit of God leaves the room. Right? In summary, the first step in overcoming the destructive power of anger, and write this word, is the courage to look below the surface. I had the aha moment of my life.
And it changed my life. When I realized sitting for 10 minutes in a car The problem's not anger. I'm hurt. Since then I've learned, you know, it's not hurt. I'm frustrated.
I had expectations of when this would be done or what people would do or what I expected of myself. And you know something? I'm not hitting those.
Now sometimes I just need to accept that, confess my sin, plan better. And other times it's, you know, it's a fallen world. Everyone gave it their best shot. This is just where we're at. And finally, I just have to accept a lot of the anger I have is people attack my personhood, and I'm either going to respond in defensiveness and anger and in like manner, or I'm going to ask a few questions like who's being attacked.
What are they really attacking? Is this really worth dealing with? And Do they really have the power to define who I am? Anger is the light on the dashboard. Anger is our way of protecting ourselves from painful, hard to deal with hurts, frustrations, and insecurities.
Anger has many Faces And despite its power for good, it will destroy unless we, and this is what we're going to look at next time. We call it the A, B, C, D's. You know, I want to give you a very clean process to look under the hood. It will be acknowledge your anger, backtrack to the first emotion, Consider the real cause, and then to determine how to rightly respond. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Incram, and the message you just heard, Why We All Struggle with Anger, is from our series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy.
Chip will join us in the studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Anger has always been seen as a wrong, unhealthy feeling. But what if I told you that this emotion is a signal of a deeper problem we need to be aware of? And if channeled correctly, anger could actually be used for good.
Well, in this 10-part series, Chip uncovers the root of anger in our lives and explains how we can turn our most intense frustrations into a valuable asset.
So if you're desperate to better understand this emotion and have control over it, you're not going to want to miss a single program. Chip's back in studio with me now with a quick word for all of you. I'll be right back to talk about today's message. But before I do, I want to give you a picture that I got to witness as a young pastor. There was a man there who was a master craftsman.
I mean, he was a cabinet maker par excellence. And I remember watching him literally painstakingly with a piece of wood use a lathe and little by little by little by little he did all these things that I couldn't figure out what was happening. And then, you know, all those little moments led to this absolutely beautiful piece of cabinetry or furniture. And, you know, sometimes we think little things don't matter, even calling them little things. And one of the, quote, little things that is the backbone of Living on the Edge are those people who support the ministry monthly.
You know, I don't know if you are a current supporter or you've been praying about being a supporter, but let me tell you this: when you give monthly, it provides the bedrock and the consistency and the stability of all. That we do here at Living on the Edge.
So I want to thank you, monthly partners, for all that you do. And I would like you, if you're not a supporter, would you prayerfully today ask God, do you want me to support Living on the Edge? Do you want me to help Christians live like Christians? And if so, would you like me to do it on a regular monthly basis? And by the way, thanks in advance, whatever God leads you to do.
Thanks, Chip. As you prayerfully consider your role with this ministry, I want to remind you that every gift is significant, no matter the amount. When you partner with Living on the Edge, you support and multiply the ministry work we're doing all over the globe. Set up your monthly gift today by going to livingontheedge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or visit livingonthege.org.
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Well, here again is Chip. As we close today's program, I want to do a quick review, and then let's leave with one very specific application. Number one, anger is a secondary emotion. It is not the issue. Second, there are three primary reasons why we get angry.
First is hurt, second is frustration, and third is insecurity.
Now I gave very specific tools to help you kind of look under the surface with each one of those. Here's all I want you to do today. Anytime you get angry, I mean, down to little frustrations, driving home from work, a red light, too much noise, one of the kids screams, I don't know, you know, someone tells something, you know, it's not true. Anytime you begin to feel angry feelings, I want you to ask the question. Why am I angry?
Did someone hurt me?
Well, maybe or maybe not. Is it a blocked goal?
So is it frustration? Or was it personal attack, insecurity? Just get your arms around one of those three things and let's take some baby steps together about acknowledging that we are angry, get to the root cause, and God will begin to help you deal with anger in a very powerful way. Good word, Chip. As we close, do you want to deepen your connection to God amid your busy life?
Then take Chip with you by subscribing to our daily podcast. With a few simple taps on your phone, you can access the full-length versions of our latest series. And if you're always on the go, download a handful and listen to them at your own pace. Let us help you grow your faith. Search for Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram today on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
For Chip and the entire team, this is Dave Drewing, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us again next time.
