Everyone struggles with anger. I mean that's a true statement.
Now we do it in different ways.
Some people blow up.
Some people repress it.
Some people let it leak out. but it always does incredible damage. What about you? How do you deal with your anger? Want to find out?
Stay with me. Uh Thank you for being with us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip serves as our Bible teacher for this global teaching and discipleship ministry, helping Christians develop an authentic faith.
Well in just a minute we'll pick up where we left off last time in our series Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Today, Chip will continue identifying the different ways anger reveals itself in our lives and what we can do to better control it.
So here now is Chip with the remainder of his message, Rage, Understanding the Monster Within from James chapter 1. I'm going to suggest The anger wears many masks. And that there's three primary masks that we put on. And I want to walk through what these masks are. And I'm going to be pretty, I think the educational word is pedantic.
I mean, I'm literally going to go through some lists where you see some things and nod, and then I'm going to ask a few diagnostic questions. where you know we're gonna say okay How do I tend to express my anger? And when we get done. I'm just going to guess. That everyone will go, oh, so if that's the issue, then I guess I do.
have a little issue with angry feelings. In fact, Um what I want you to think about is what you do with your anger. Everyone has it. There's slow people in front of you, right? There's people that frustrate you.
There are blocked goals. There's people that say things about you. You get wounded. You have expectations. You're human.
No. We express our anger in such a wide variety of ways that many people assume anger is not an issue in their life. For those that make sure the fill-ins get filled in right or they get angry. The first word is express. And the second word is anger.
We all express it in such a wide variety of ways, we often think we don't have. An anger problem. Dr. Becca. Listed some common ways that people express their anger.
And so let me just give you a salad bar. And they shut down, they assert power and authority, they become pushy and aggressive, they yell, scream, shout, and slam. They belittle, demand, and slander. They intimidate others. They become depressed.
They isolate themselves. They alienate others. They suppress their feelings. They repress, regress, become fearful. They hit, grab, push, beat, slap, throw.
Should I go on? They spew out, threaten others, become hostile, feel shame, manipulate others, experience self-hatred, cover up their feelings, pretend they're not really angry and hope it goes away. They rationalize and blame, you made me angry. They make excuses, they become discouraged, despondent, depressed. They gossip, they slander, they become selfish, self-centered.
They minimize how anger really doesn't really impact me that much. They deny their feelings, they feel self-pity, they become critical, cynical, sarcastic. They give people the silent treatment, they often cry for long periods of time. They point their finger and use one of their fingers as they drive. They frown, they shake their fists, they groan, they give ultimatums, they shrug their shoulders, and they sneer.
Those are 50 quick ways that people tend to express their anger on occasion. And uh Let's talk about the many masks. Proverbs 17:9 says, The heart is deceitful above all else and beyond cure. Who can understand it? It goes on to say that the Lord searches the heart, examines the mind, to reward each man according to his conduct.
According to what his deeds deserve. And what I'm going to do right now is, I'm going to walk you through a little journey, all right? There may be more, but you can take anger into three major mask or categories. I'm going to suggest that there are spewers. There are stuffers and there are leakers.
Should we go over that again? There are spewers with their anger. There are stuffers, and then there are leakers. and I want to go over first spewers. And there's a very clear inventory you can see on your notes.
So we'll go through this pretty rapidly, and then I have some questions. And maybe you shouldn't count on your fingers, but I'll have some questions that you can mentally go, yeah, for me, yeah, yeah, yeah. And here's the goal: none of these make you bad.
Okay? Don't get, oh, I'm a spewer. I'm a leaker. I wish I wasn't a leaker. I wish I could be a stuffer, then I could be depressed, but people wouldn't know.
You know, you know. This is not about one of the masks. These are human responses.
Now some of them have different damage.
So let's follow along. Here's a summary of all the research about people who spew their anger. There's two types of spewers. Exploding time bombs, they're out of control, and calculated time bombs. There's some people they spew it, they know when they're gonna do it, why they're gonna do it, and how they're gonna do it.
The message they have is that anger is necessary. The reaction is, you bet I'm mad. Do what I say or else. This is a power issue. The reasons for spewers expressing their anger, it gives them a false sense of power or control, it helps them release pent-up negative emotions, and they feel unable to constrain or control their anger.
They have poor impulse control. The guy on the radio talk show yesterday. I mean, he just said. I do it and I don't want to do it, and I work really hard, and then it just comes out. And he goes, I'm destroying my family.
He said, I read the Bible, I'm a leader in my church, my wife, and my kids. I mean, this is, what do I do? This is How they blow up, yell, scream, shout, push, shove, hit, kick, intimidate, aggression. become overly opinionated. Overly blunt, forceful, tactless.
or demanding and repetitive. My dad was a spewer. And when he was really mad, man, you just got out of the way. But, like, when he got really mad and he was dealing with you with something. Hey, why didn't you clean out the garage?
Why didn't you clean out the garage? Why didn't you clean out the garage? Son, come over right here. Do you see that? Yeah, that's not clean.
Yeah, the garage isn't clean, I'm thinking. He thinks I have a hearing problem. When people get real mad, they spewers, they tend to repeat, repeat. The results, listen to the results. This is what happens to spewers.
This is why we're going to study this. They wound themselves and others. There's a loss of control or power. There's a false sense of power. There's great feelings of guilt.
Spewers often feel amazing remorse. They're so sorry, and it's genuine. They have strained, then, and unhealthy relationships, possible retaliation or revenge. When you spew on people, there's times where you got to be careful. Guess what?
They're going to come back at you. There's possible damage, even violent behavior, and often spewers have tremendous regrets. What a spewer needs. This is what they need. They need to develop a longer fuse.
They need to learn to control their anger. Unconsciously, spewers give themselves permission. They say things like, I can't help it. I'm Irish, I have red hair, it's just the way I am. They did, and they will use phrases like, you made me angry.
No one ever makes you angry. Your emotions are yours that you control, and you choose to respond and not respond. I mean, this has happened in our home, unfortunately. But let's just make it your home so I don't feel quite so guilty.
So I'll make this example in your house. And let's just say you and one of your children or grandchildren, or let's say you and your husband and wife are having a rather heated discussion. I mean, a good Christian heated discussion. You're not yelling, I mean, like really loud. Nothing is being thrown, no expletives.
But I mean, you're hot. And then the phone rings. Hello. No, actually, we're busy right now. Yeah, I think I could bring a casserole.
Yeah, Bob's, you know, Bob's, uh, uh, yeah, he's occupied right now.
Okay.
Now, b-bip-b-b-b-ride? We have the power to control our anger. Question Are you a spewer?
Now, I want to read. This is out of an excellent workbook, actually. It's by Les Carter and Frank Minerath, and I want you to lean back. And I'm going to list seven to ten questions. And as I say them, again, this is, you know, my lands, we've so been brainwashed that any kind of anger is wrong.
I just want you to get a grip on who you are and how you tend. You learn this, okay? You learn this from other people. It's it's where you're at.
So, I'm going to read these questions, and every time you think that question and just your first response, don't, you know, if you're going, well, I'm not sure I really do that. You know, if you start down that, just yeah or no, yeah or no. But I'm going to list them, and as I list them, I want you to ask yourself just a quick yes or no and keep count.
Okay, number one, I can be blunt and forceful when someone does something to frustrate me. Yes or no? As I speak my convictions, my voice becomes increasingly louder. 3. When someone confronts me about a problem, I'm likely to offer a ready rebuttal.
Yeah. No one has to guess my opinion. I'm known for having unwavering viewpoints. 5. When something goes wrong, I focus so sharply on fixing the problem, I often overlook people's feelings.
Six, I have a history of getting caught in bickering matches with family members. Check with your mate on that one. Seven, during verbal disagreements with someone, I tend to repeat myself several times to make the point. eight. I find it hard to keep my thoughts to myself when I know something Yeah, yeah.
9. I have a reputation of being strong-willed. And 10, I tend to give advice even when others have not asked for it.
Okay, now just in your mind, if you mentally have five Welcome to the Spew Club. We'll have t-shirts later. I'm a spewer, but God's working in my life, okay? Stuffers, there's two types: those who repress, they deny and avoid, and those who suppress. They pretend and stuff.
The message they believe is that anger is bad. The reaction to, are you angry, is angry? Not me. Why are they afraid of anger? They think it's bad or even sinful to be angry.
They fear God's wrath. They fear a loss of control and making a fool of themselves if they got angry. They fear rejection by others. If I get angry, those people will reject me. They don't like to feel guilty, and when they get angry, they feel guilty.
They experienced anger sometime in their past was scary, so all anger is something to be avoided. They fear retaliation, punishment, or the consequences. and the outcomes of them expressing their anger. Most of you learned that As a kid. My wife is a classic stuffer.
Anger was not allowed in her home. Varying opinions were not allowed in her home. She had a very sweet mother, and a father who traveled who was an alcoholic. He didn't know what he didn't know. And he ruled with an ironed fist and lots of rules, and you didn't buck him, and you never talked back.
Talking back was like opening your mouth. But so she had a belief system: all anger is wrong. The reason I learned so much about anger was I had a dad who was a spewer. She had a dad where anger is wrong We love one another. We're in seminary.
And Frank Minerith's friend Paul Meyer of the Minerith-Meyer Clinic was teaching us how to do pastor counseling. And here I'm learning how to do pastor counseling, and I'm learning how we're supposed to help these other people. And he gets into some of these kind of things, and I realize my wife goes silent, she withdraws, she cries quietly, and doesn't talk to me for two days, and then pretends everything's okay. This is not a healthy response to anger. I don't feel close to her when she does that.
And she doesn't feel close to me because I'm a verbalizer. And as since we don't have it resolved, and I have Ephesians 4:26 memorized, she's in bed up till 1, and I'm walking around the bed. We have to deal with this tonight. Be angry, but do not sin. Would you please wake up?
We need, hey, get up here. Hey, we're going to talk about it right now, right now, right? You know? And she would shut down and then we would pretend for two days nothing really happened. We'd bury the anger.
move on. You do understand that anger puts a roadblock in intimacy. Emotional intimacy? Intellectual intimacy? and physical intimacy.
And uh So I realized that we didn't know how to deal with anger and we didn't know how to communicate. And so I was making $1,000 a month. And supporting my family as I went to seminary. And at about $90 a pop for 12 weeks, We went to Paul Myers. Brother.
For counseling in marriage, and he gave us tools to learn how to communicate. and how to express our anger. And I'm not even going to charge you. I'm going to give you some of those tools. And it is an amazing thing to be able to communicate.
I feel hurt. I feel angry when you, and be able to get things on the table. and not attack the other person. and not be threatened.
Some of you will come away and realize that was worth. the entire time together. Stuffers, how do they stuff it? By ignoring it, denying it, shielding or defecting it, minimizing it, pretending they're not really angry, by avoiding it, by bearing it. By the way, when you bury it, Paul Meyer says 95% of all depression.
His anger turned inward. Think of that. People that are very, very, very depressed.
Now, there's clinical reasons and physiological reasons, but a lot of depression is people don't even know they're angry, they push it down. And physiologically, we'll see in a minute, it can cause ulcers, headaches, all kinds of. difficult things in your body, but emotionally It causes depression. Bye bye. You're listening to Living on the Edge.
Return you to Chip's message in just a minute, but let me quickly share with you: God has called us to do incredible ministry work all around the world. And when you regularly give to Living on the Edge, you're a part of what we do.
So consider becoming a monthly partner today and visit livingonthege.org. We appreciate your generous support.
Well, with that, here's Chip. Results, they become doormats. They're taken advantage of. They redirect their anger at themselves. I remember one of the biggest things I've done in my wife after those years is: I would say, Honey, I think you're angry.
And she'd look at me like, No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Honey, honey, you gotta be angry. That That lady just talked to you like that.
Well, she's probably having a bad day. No matter what happened, my wife, I would joke, an ambulance would go by. And Theresa would try and think, I wonder what I did wrong. I mean, I'm joking. I'm exaggerating.
But I mean, she It was so wrong to be angry about anything, she always figured out how to blame herself.
Now I wish you could see the beautiful woman that I'm married to now. But wow, we had to discover how she dealt with anger. before she got the truth that set her free. The results are they develop physical ailments that I talked about. They occasionally erupt.
By the way, it's kind of weird that these kinds of people. They never share it, never share it. And then finally they develop resentment. What stuffers need is to accept that anger is okay and normal, to acknowledge their fears and seek to minimize their hold on others, learn to communicate anger effectively, become more assertive with their needs. That it's okay, it's okay to have real needs and real wants and to become clear about what they will and will not do.
So are you a stuffer? Could you be a stuffer? I have another. Ten questions. And you can, you know, just put them on your fingers.
Question number one, I'm very image conscious. I don't like to let others know my problems. Yes or no? Even when I feel frustrated, I portray myself publicly as having it all together. 3.
I'm rather reserved about sharing my problems or my frustrations. for, if a family member or friend upsets me, I can let days pass without even mentioning it. Five, I have a tendency to be depressed and moody. Just a tendency, doesn't mean you're all the time. six Resentful thinking is common for me, although many people would never suspect it.
7. I've suffered with physical complaints, for example, headaches, stomach ailments, and sleep irregularity. 8. There are times when I wonder if my opinions or preferences are are really valid. 9.
Sometimes I feel paralyzed when confronted by an unwanted situation. And 10,000 I feel guilty a lot. about little things. especially if some one is upset with me. Those of you that said click, click, click, click, click, five or more.
You're probably a stuffer.
Now, some of you are feeling real bad because you're thinking, you know, I had like. I had like four or five on the last one, I got five on this one. I mean Yes, you can wear more than one mask. You probably have a primary one. But you can wear more than one.
So, are you a stuffer? Yes? No. Or maybe. Finally, let's look at our Leakers.
The technical word for this is passive, aggressive, and a leaker is a person. who is angry But what they do is, they have, as you'll look, they have all the same fears as stuffers. They have the same belief system as stuffers, but. They just stuffing it all the time. Like, I just can't go there.
And so, but they're not going to do it directly.
So, what they do is, I'm angry about this situation, this person, this hurt, this injustice, this pain, this wound. I'm not going to deal with it over here. I take that anger. I put it under my arm like a football.
Okay.
And now I go over to here to a safe playing field. And then I take the anger and I leak it. to get back at the person. to punish them for what they did. Sarcasm, negativity, Procrastination, frigidity.
Critical remarks. Knowing they like you to be prompt, you're late. Knowing to love you to follow through. I forgot. I'm so sorry.
Okay? That's what leakers do. I'm an expert on this one.
Okay.
Types are indirect and direct leakers. Here's their message. It's not that anger, it's showing anger is bad. You can be angry, but just don't let anyone see it. Mm.
The reaction, angry? Not me. Well, maybe just a little. Why are they afraid of anger? They think it's bad or even sinful to be angry.
They fear God's wrath. They fear loss of control. Losing it might make them look foolish. They fear rejection. Others won't like them if they get angry.
They don't like to feel guilty. Their experience with anger was scary, so all anger is something to be afraid of or avoided. That's what I had. They fear retaliation, punishment, or consequences or outcomes.
Now, did you notice that most all of those were the exact same reasons? as people that stuff their anger. But then how do they leak it? By not following through on commitments or promises? By not letting their yes be yes or their no be no.
These people, you know, when you're really a leaker, I'll do this, well, I wish I could, I can't. Yeah. We are flaky at times. And it makes people crazy. by making excuses, by procrastinating.
By knowingly going at a pace different. Then others are annoying. Have you ever had people really get up on your bumper? You know, beep beep beep, you know, you know, there's like 15 million cars ahead of you. And this guy's, you know, switching and almost killing people so he can make it like 30 more feet, right?
And so he's like, you look in your rearview mirror and all you see is grill.
Now, some of you In your younger days. Or if you know karate. Want to pull off and say, right now, dude, right now, let's take it down. Let's take it down. Others of you want to express yourself to them and still others go If you think you're close to my bumper now going 65.
Oh my. I'm only going 58 now. And there's a big semi on the right. And you know something, I'm getting kind of tired. I think I'm going to pull it down to 43, you know?
You know? And then no eye contact. You just look ahead, you know. Ru right? You're one angry person.
Yeah. You wonder where I got that illustration. I have no idea. The results. They develop a false or unhealthy sense of power.
I mean even even all your laughter was like we get we know why you were laughing? It was a power deal, right? We got that guy. We got that guy. That smart Alec in front of me or back of me.
They aggravate those around them and they strain weakened relationships. They become critical and negative. They become isolated. You might write the word leakers are very, very sarcastic. They're often late.
They withdraw. They often are frigid sexually to pay back their mate. They forget. and they avoid issues. What a leaker needs is to accept that anger is okay and normal.
To acknowledge fears and seek to minimize the influence of those fears on their life. They need to learn to communicate their anger effectively. They need to become more assertive. A lot of times they don't really say. We don't say what we really mean.
We think people can read our minds, but then they don't come through for us because they're not reading our minds. And so we get angry at them because they don't read our minds, even though we didn't tell them. And then we. do stuff to punish him. And it doesn't work.
And they need to be clear about what they will do and won't do.
Okay, are you ready for the big 10 questions? Here's the questions. Add him up. Yes or no, real quick. When I'm frustrated, I become silent.
Knowing it bothers other people. Two. I am prone to sock. and pout. I'm going to go out to the garage, work on my tools.
Three, when I don't want to do a project, I will procrastinate. I can be lazy. 4. When someone asks me if I'm frustrated, I will lie and say, no, everything's fine. 5.
There are times when I am deliberately evasive so others won't bother me. Six, I sometimes approach work projects half-heartedly. 7. When someone talks to me about my problems, I stare straight ahead, being deliberately obstinate. Eight, I'm often sarcastic and hide my real hurts behind jokes.
nine. I withdraw affection and become frigid. when hurt. Yeah. I forget to do things for people.
when they've wounded me. Mm. Got him? Are you a leaker? Yes, no, no.
Or maybe. Ask yourself, and I encourage you to get a pin before you share it with others if you can: what makes you angry? Just the top three. Yeah. What are two or three things that really make you angry?
Second, when and where is it okay to feel angry? I mean, if you could just identify, some of you think it's so wrong, when would it be okay?
Some of you so lit up when I talked about Jesus was angry, uh, Moses was angry, uh, David was angry, uh, Chip was angry at the laundromat.
Some of you, your faces just said, Wow. Maybe Maybe I could get a little mad and be okay. Where do you think it'd be okay to get mad? And then Uh in what ways do you tend to misuse anger? Why do you hang on to it?
And then, which anger mask do you wear most often? Spewer? Stuffer or leaker. Then the final question, and this will be the journey, just up to now. If you had to turn to someone and say, the one insight that I received.
So far, about anger and emotions that I think will be helpful to me. I think it's. What would you write down?
Okay.
We're going to go on a journey together. and get some practical help for those angry feelings. that destroy relationships. God gave you this divine gift, a neutral emotion called anger. that can be for good.
or for evil. Let's figure out how we deal With our anger, and then how we can by God's grace began to channel it in ways. For his glory, and are good. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and the message you just heard: Rage Understanding the Monster Within, is from our series Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Chip will join us in the studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute.
Anger has always been seen as a wrong, unhealthy feeling. But what if I told you that this emotion is a signal of a deeper problem we need to be aware of? And if channeled correctly, anger could actually be used for good.
Well, in this 10-part series, Chip uncovers the root of anger in our lives and explains how we can turn our most intense frustrations into a valuable asset.
So if you're desperate to better understand this emotion and have control over it, you're not going to want to miss a single program.
Well, Chip's here in studio with me now to share a quick word with all of you. Chip? Thanks, Dave. I want to share an important request with you. If Living on the Edge is ministering to you, Would you consider returning the favor?
If you've been listening but haven't yet become a financial partner with Living on the Edge, Would you prayerfully consider sending a gift today? And if you've given, but Could do it monthly, I can't tell you, it would make a huge difference. If we all pitched in, it would just make an incredible difference in terms of what we can do here to reach and care for more people.
So, thanks so much for all that you do, and thanks for just praying and doing whatever God shows you to do. And we will receive it with great gratitude. Thanks, Chip. It takes a team to do what God's called us to do.
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Well, here again is Chip to share a few final words. As we close today's program, you heard me teach that anger wears Many masks or many facades. We often think we don't have an anchor problem because we're not a spewer, we don't blow up. But there's three masks that we often wear. These anger masks.
One is the leaker. This is the passive-aggressive person that I talked about. This is when we know how to push people's buttons and we don't want to confront it head-on, and so we let it leak out. And so let me ask you: is that you? Do you find yourself being sarcastic and letting your resentment and things come out in these very subtle ways so that if people call you on it, you say, oh no, no, I was just kidding.
Or do you stuff? Is that your anger mask? Do you stuff it? You just don't say anything.
Somewhere along the line, you learn that anger is wrong and you should never be mad, and it's a sin to be angry. and you find yourself getting depressed. Or you have stomach issues or migraine issues, and it's a powerful thing when our emotions are pushed down. Or maybe you are that spewer that it just builds up inside and you are loud and then you're so sorry and so remorseful and you keep asking people to forgive you for how you blew up and people were intimidated by you. All I want you to do today.
is to identify what's your major response. I'd like you to ponder that. And then right now I'd like you to bring it before the Lord and say, Lord Jesus, right now, will you help me learn to deal with my anger? Would you show me why I get angry and what's going on inside so you could change me from the inside out? That's what you need to pray.
And here's what I'll tell you. God will show you. That's absolutely right, Chip. Good word. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
I'm Dave Drewy, and I hope you'll join us again next time.
