What is the biggest source of conflict in your marriage right now? Is it kids? Job? Money, in-laws? How would you like to get those issues resolved in a way that nobody gets hurt?
How would you like to learn to fight fair in your marriage? That's today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Our mission is to inspire Christians to be genuine followers of Jesus and to empower them to be active disciple makers in our world. Thanks for joining us as we continue our series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family.
Over the last handful of programs, Chip's highlighted skills that make marriages thrive. forgiving one another and clear communication. In just a minute, he'll unpack the third and final one, which could be the game changer for many couples, navigating conflict. Today you'll learn why it's not really about resolving arguments, but understanding how to approach your spouse with gentleness so that everyone feels valued and heard.
So with all that said, here's Chip with his talk. How to fight fair in marriage. One of the first things I want to say is you have to get over this naive, unbiblical notion that conflict is wrong and abnormal.
Okay? There's many of you that you were brought up in households. Don't argue. Stop arguing. Don't do that.
You believe. I mean, it's so subtle. Conflict is wrong. Conflict is bad. An argument, a discussion, a disagreement, having feelings that don't line up with the other person, automatically you think, oh, we have this big problem.
I want to tell you that conflict is normal. Conflict is biblical. Conflict is actually the key to growth. The biggest lessons I've learned in my childhood about conflict. was from the Barnes Boys, okay?
Now, some of you can remember maybe what it was like growing up in the 60s and early 70s, and especially when you lived in these sort of suburban houses that were one next to one another, and everyone had little chain link fences.
Well, the Barnes boys, they were twin boys and an older boy and a younger boy, and they had this real athletic dad. And in the Barnes Boys' garage was a punching bag. In the Barnes Boys' backyard was a baseball diamond cut out. And when I got home from school, I did my homework, and then the first question: Mom, Dad, can I go to the Barnes Boys? Boom.
As soon as dinner was over, can I go to the Barnes Boys? I loved being with the Barnes Boys. And if you kind of, you know how you drive through the little cul-de-sacs, when you would see their backyard, About 95% of the time, there were somewhere between 8 to 15 boys. 9, 10, 11, 12, all playing whatever. If it was football, it was football.
If it was baseball season, it was baseball. We always played at the Barnes Boys.
Well, you can imagine if you have 8 to 15 guys There's conflict. There's arguments. It's our ball. It's your ball. You were out of bounds.
No, it was a home run. No, it wasn't a home run. It was a foul ball. And when you would hear the arguing and it got real intense. Mr.
Barnes was a very big man, and not only did they do that outside, but in his basement he had a weight room. and he lifted weights. I never did, as you can tell. But he lifted weights, okay? And he would come out like this.
He had a really big chest. And in fact, I wrote down, I can still remember his questions. He would bring the two people arguing. He would say, There's no arguing out here. We don't do that.
Not like this. Number two, what was the problem? And he'd look at you and you'd have to say, what's the problem? What's the problem? And sometimes that would solve it.
but not usually. He did this, I did that. He did this, I did that. Argue. Then he would say, Can you two agree on this right now?
And play on? No, it's our ball. He said, okay, let's settle it right now. Big Mr. Barnes, we'd go into the garage.
And he would come out with boxing gloves. Yeah, okay. Gospel truth. And they were I don't know if you've ever seen the training gloves that are even way bigger Now imagine being like 78 or 90 pounds and you put on these gloves that feel like they're five or ten pounds and this is what we would do. The two boys who were arguing, we get in the middle.
Everyone else made a circle. I mean, I you he could get away with this back in the 1970s.
Now you probably get sued or something.
So you have these heavy gloves, okay? And he'd say, okay, ready? Everyone would circle up. He says, okay, settle it. And of course, you're real tough and talking, you know, and I'm, you know, move like a butterfly.
I'm like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, you know, you know, you know. And after about three minutes, No one could lift their arms. I mean, we're so tired. And the worst that ever happened is I think on a great day, I got Buddy Brockman right in the nose and got a bloody nose. And on a not so good day, I got a bloody nose.
But they were so big and so heavy and so soft, all your aggression got out. It got settled, it was done. And no one really got hurt. In fact, what mister Barnes taught us was how to resolve conflict in a way that although mildly painful, didn't do any lasting damage. On the front of your notes, here's what I've learned from the Barnes Boys.
One, conflict is normal. Two, conflict is an opportunity for growth. Believe it or not, the guy that gave me the bloody nose became my best friend. Isn't that interesting? 3.
Conflict must be diffused or it'll destroy. I mean, if 15 young guys keep going at it, pretty soon you take sides, then it escalates, and something bad's going to happen.
So he diffused it. He diffused it in a way where As you see in the next point, he used some rules.
so no one really got hurt. We got to take a few swings. We slugged one another. But no one really got hurt.
Now as you turn the page, I want to talk to you. about God's perspective on conflict. The first section of this teaching time is going to be very biblical. I want to talk about the reality that it's normal. There's people who love God with all their heart that have great conflict.
I want to give you three or four areas that for sure. cause conflict in relationships. God expects it to cause conflict. And then we're going to talk about the deepest source of conflict in relationships. And then I want to spend the final portion of our time walking through a little acronym that will give you literally a specific game plan to go to point A, to point B, to point C to say, okay, we've got conflict.
What do we do? How do we defuse it?
Okay? So look on your notes. Let's jump in here together. Conflict is inevitable in a fallen world. And this is from the lips of Jesus, John 16, 33.
I've told you these things so that you may have peace in me. In this world you'll have trouble, but take heart. I've overcome the world.
Now, does this sound like Jesus is setting up his followers and disciples for a if you really live life right, if you really love me, if you read your Bible, if you pray, you know, if you give off the top, if you go on a short-term missions trip, if you try to be a good woman, be a good man, be a great dad, be a great mom, if you do all that, then everything's going to be smooth. Does that sound like what he said? In the world, you know, we're good at claiming promises, aren't we? Jesus said this, I can claim this for my life.
Well here's a promise. In the world, you will have conflict. But be of good cheer. I'm going to give you peace. But it's going to be a peace that's on the inside in a fallen world.
You're going to have conflict with your mate, conflict with your kids, conflict with fellow workers, conflict with neighbors, conflict with grown kids. You are living in a world that's sinful and fallen. And from the day you're born to the day you die, there's going to be conflict.
Now if you accept that, it changes your perspective. Because a lot of us, you know, we spend all of our energy? trying to cover up conflict. trying to push down conflict, trying to say it's not really conflict, or feeling guilty about conflict. What you got to do is accept it's normal and realize There's tools and ways to grow through it.
The second thing the scripture would say is the sources of conflict. Conflict grows from our differences and our selfishness. In other words, not all conflict is even from sin.
Now I wish because my passion is to teach the Bible, all right? I mean, I wish that I could say, okay, now open your Bibles. Don't go there because we're going to do something else. I would say, open your Bibles to Acts 15, and I could read through that and explain the first 15 or 35 verses and say, you know what, here's the Jerusalem Council, and here's what happened, and the early church was growing, and this group thought this, and this other group thought this, and Paul went on a missionary journey, and because of that, he came back, and Judaism and Christianity were in this collision course, and I could explain it all. I can't.
But what I want to do is I want to give you this summary of about three or four passages that'll help you see among the most godly, committed people to God, some sources of conflict. And I've put them in your notes.
Source number one is our differences. Differences in belief produce conflict.
Sometimes the question is what's true, what's right, sometimes we disagree. Good people who love God disagree. Is this right or is this right? And some good people say this is right, and some other good people say, no, this is right. That produces conflict.
And we had that in the Jerusalem Council. The Apostle Paul was preaching that you could come directly to the Father by the work of Christ and you didn't have to go through Judaism. And the whole early church was all Jews who came to Christ, apart from those at Pentecost. In fact, the first 20, 25 years, probably 95 more percent of the church, it was all converted Jews. And so, you know, they're saying, well, wait a second, you're messing with our traditions.
It's Jesus plus circumcision and plus doing this and plus keeping part of the law. And the Apostle Paul said, no, no, no, no, no. And so they have this big council. And in that council, they resolve the conflict. And James pulls out an Old Testament passage and Paul shares an experience that affirms and Peter looks at it all.
And then they come to a conclusion and they take those differences and they align them with the truth. But haven't some of you met Christians that really hold a theological position that's kind of over here and they're real dogmatic about it? And you know what? When you look at them, they love God. You know, they they have good marriages.
That they're seeking to raise good kids, that they serve in their church and are reaching out, and yet you meet someone else, oh no, this is what we believe. And often it's on minor issues. I'm not saying that truth isn't important, it's very important. But you need to understand that In the world that we live in, even in the church, good, godly people are going to disagree. And so what you do is you do exactly what they did at the Jerusalem Council.
You go to the source of truth, you sit down together, you dialogue, you ask God to show you, and sometimes you even agree to disagree. The second source of conflict is differences in perspective. In the same chapter, Acts 15, you have two of the closest friends. It says a great schism. A great conflict, a friendship is broken.
in Acts 15, beginning in verse 36 to 41. It's Paul and Barnabas. They're both good men. They're both godly men. But they go on a mission trip together.
And you know, Paul is very task-oriented. You know what? We got to get the job done. Barnabas, his name, it means son of encouragement. He cares about people, he wants to develop people.
You know, he gives people the second chance, the third chance, the 54th chance. Paul gives you the first chance, the second chance. Buddy, do something else. I got to have people can make it happen. All right?
You know, Paul's high D. Barnabas is high I on those scales, right? And so they go on a missionary trip, and John Mark comes. And we don't know all the story, but at some point in time, it gets hard, it gets difficult, and he flakes out. And they're getting ready to go on the next missionary trip.
And, you know, Barnabas, I'm reading into the text, read Acts 15, you'll think, boy, Chip got a lot out of this.
Well, I'm kind of. You know, I'm kind of making it up a little bit, give you a feel. But but basically, you know. Here we're going to go again. And Barnabas goes, you know what, John Mark, he has grown so much.
I've been spending time with him. He's in my Bible study with some other guys. And you know what? He had a few struggles, but I really think he's going to do a great job this time. And Paul says something like...
I don't think he is. What do you mean? 'Cause he's not going. What do you mean he's not going? I say it's not going.
Hey, you know what? I can't tolerate flakes. God gave us a mission. He had a chance. He blew it.
We're going to get out, and God's mission is going to be right on the bubble. And I can't look over my shoulder and wonder whether this guy's going to show up or not. Oh, Paul, you don't understand. Come and get a life, man. I mean, God was gracious to you.
Don't you care about people? Yeah, I care about people, and I'm going to care about the most people by doing what God called me to do and not do it with a bunch of flaky people like John Mark. Boom, boom, boom. You get it? And it says, a great schism arose.
And Paul went this way. And Barnabas went this way. That can happen. to people that both really love God. Are you getting to see how our differences bring about conflict?
We're going to talk about solving it in a second. But our theological differences, is there a wrong or a right? It's philosophical, isn't it? One philosophically is charged with the task, the other thinks more about relationships. In the big picture, what do we need?
the task and the relationships. There's not a wrong or a right. In fact, what we find later is Barnabas gets. John Mark and develops him.
So near the end of Paul's ministry, Paul says, send Mark, because he has. Uh my parchments, and he's been very profitable. It's a good thing Barnabas didn't give up on him. But it's probably a good thing Paul didn't give in. And he was the guy that led the mission and the missionary journeys.
And so, differences in beliefs, differences in perspective, sometimes it's differences in style. You know, in Philippians chapter 4, I love, I love that God puts these things in the Bible. You know, there's two ladies. Yeodia and Sintake. And Paul says, these are sisters in the gospel.
And basically, he kind of pleads with the Philippian church: Can you help these ladies get it together? I love them both. They've both helped me, but there's a rub. And you know, we don't get all that, we don't get all the understanding, but you know, maybe one was an introvert and was an extrovert, and one was saying, you know, we need all the napkins all laid out for the, no, we don't need napkins, forget it, they can eat with their hands. No, we got to do that, you know, and whatever it was, these two ladies went at it.
They just didn't get along. And you don't get the idea that it was sin or Paul would have addressed the sin issue. And can I say something kind of out loud? I hope you won't. Have you ever been in a small group with a group of people?
and just realized You know, they're godly. You open the Bible. Maybe you watch a video and people kind of talk afterwards. And you just don't like being there? And then you felt guilty?
You know, like maybe it's a bunch of people that all they do is talk about sports and you don't really like sports, or maybe you're like me and you get with a group of people and You know, all they talk about is software, hardware, booting up, and, you know, and I don't know what they're talking about. Or maybe from a part of the country, and their interests are over here, and they just sort of relate in a way that they all grew up with, and you always feel like on your outside looking in. And you go to that small group and you feel bad and you feel guilty because you think, I don't connect, I don't like it, I don't have chemistry, I don't get along. You know what I think you ought to do? Find another small group.
God made us different people with different personalities and different backgrounds. You can love everyone and be committed to Him. That doesn't mean you have chemistry with everybody. And, you know, here's a couple ladies that need to learn to get along, but probably they shouldn't be in the small group together. There's probably some people that would say, you know what, I just like the way EuDIA does it.
And others, you know, Cynthia Gina, she's my kind of gal. Do do you see what I'm trying to get at? There are theological differences, there are philosophical differences, and there are personality differences that are going to bring conflict in your world. And in a fallen world, Jesus promised on top of that, just sin in itself is going to bring about conflict. And so all I want you to hear is this.
The conflict in your marriage and the conflict in your family is normal. Quit. trying to act like it's going to go away and think that when it's smooth, life is right. And secondly, quit thinking that somehow you've done something wrong or there's a bad person in the room when there's some conflict. It might be, in fact, a great opportunity for growth.
You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll get you back to today's message in just a minute. But quickly, it should be clear from this new series how passionate we are about encouraging husbands and wives and empowering them to be God-honoring parents. And that's why we've also created a new engaging tool that couples can rely on every day to strengthen their relationship. Stick around after the teaching to learn how to get your hands on this resource. But for now, here again is Chip.
The fourth reason we learn from Scripture where there's conflict is probably the one that we can deal with, and this is called selfish desires produce conflict. This is the old my way versus her way. Right? James touches on it in James 4, 1 to 3. He raises the question: what causes fights and quarrels among you?
Rhetorical question. Then he answers it.
Well, don't they come from your desires that battle within you? Circle the word desires in your notes. It's the idea of lust, and it's used in this context as a powerful passion to get your way. Doesn't it come from that deep down inside that it needs to be my way? This is how we should spend the money.
This is what we should do with the kids. This is what we should do on vacation. And then he goes on to say, you want something, but you don't get it.
So you have a blocked goal, frustrated. Did that ever happen to you, your marriage? Has dust, hasn't it? And then he goes, you kill and you covet, but you cannot have what you want. In other words, you don't get what you want, and so you go to extremes.
You murder with your words. You covet. You lust for. You're envious. You have internal struggles.
You quarrel and you fight. You don't have it because you don't ask God.
So he says, some of the things that God wants to solve is you don't have it because you don't ask. And then he expands it. He says, when you ask, You do not receive because you ask with wrong motives that you may spend it. On what you get for your pleasure. Circle the word pleasure, it's the exact same word as lust above.
They just translated two different words. It's this selfish I want my way. attitude. And I would suggest that in your marriages, you're going to have philosophical, occasional theological differences, you can have personality differences, but the one thing that you're going to have. As long as you're on this planet, in this body, is you're going to have selfish desires.
And you're going to want your way. and your mate's going to want her way, and you better figure out how to deal with that conflict. And part of it is just plain old. I mean, can I say this like really out loud right here in the 21st century? It's called sin.
It's just sin. I mean, it's just like, I've missed the mark. As much as I can appear righteous, loving, kind, sophisticated, there's times where when Teresa and I have something, I want my way.
Now, I've learned to couch that, even put a verse around it, act sophisticated, make her feel guilty to think that her way is wrong. But Conflict is an opportunity to grow. Open your Bibles now. Philippians chapter 2. This is the same letter written to the two ladies that are having some struggles.
Conflict provides specific opportunities to grow, and every time you overcome some conflict, some good things happen. Paul begins in chapter 2, verses 1 and 2, with a, it sounds like a rhetorical question, but grammatically you could translate instead of if. Grammatically, he's really saying, since this is true, since this is true, since this is true. He's not saying, well, if this would ever be true someday, some way. It's a, what's called a.
a class condition in Greek that has the idea of certainty. He says, if therefore, or since there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, And the answer to all those are yes, yes, yes, yes. You're in Christ. Is there encouragement in Christ? Yes.
Is there consolation in love? Yes. Is there fellowship in the Spirit? You're both believers, right? Yes.
Is there genuine love and affection? Then notice what he says, verse 2. Then make my joy complete. How? By being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
I would challenge you to look at that verse and ask yourself just a quick Bible study question. How many of those lines in verse 2 have to do with unity? Same One Unity, do you get the idea? He's saying, if you have this resource of what God has done for you, if he's been loving, if the Spirit lives in both of you, you have koininea fellowship before God, then make my joy complete. He's saying, work out relationships in such a way we have the same mind, the same purpose, one heart.
What he's saying is, resolve the conflict out of the resources in Christ. And then in verses 3 and 4, he's going to tell you how. And it's a command. This is not like an option for a better marriage. This is a command for how to do relationships in general, but especially how to apply it in your own home.
Do nothing. Do a few things, do sort of no. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself. That is the key. to great relationships.
At the heart of the James passage, About those lustful pleasures. You know what's behind that? Ego. It's just pride. I mean, our biggest conflicts in our marriage have been a chip Ingram problem, ego, I want my way on my terms.
Teresa, I want you to fulfill my needs. Teresa, I want you to take care of that. Teresa, make my life work out. And the solution is to do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit. But notice that phrase with humility of mind.
Humility of mind is saying the other. person's needs. I don't by the way, I don't doesn't I feel like it. The other person's needs, I choose to put ahead of my own. In fact, the most loving time is when you don't feel like it.
Jesus didn't feel like going to the cross, did he? But you glad he went? I am. Love doesn't have a whole lot to do with whether you feel like it. With humility of mind, consider.
And that word consider means reckon, think, ponder, evaluate the other person as more important than yourself. Look at verse 4. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests. That, by the way, that phrase is the key to most marital conflict. In my marriage.
I mean, I can fake it and I can position it. But most of us want our own personal interest. And to break that Don't look at for your own personal interest, but also for the interests of others. And then in verse five, he begins to give us the how-to. Have this attitude in yourselves.
Attitude, attitude, attitude. Have this attitude in yourselves. that was in Christ Jesus. Who, although he existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a bondservant, being made in the likeness of Christ, likeness of God. And then, what's he do?
He serves. See, genuine humility isn't a feeling about, I think this way about the other person. Genuine humility is an attitude of, I'm here to serve you. I want to help your life become what God wants it to be. I want to serve you.
I want to help you. I want to come up first of all in the day and think, what are the issues that you're struggling with? How do I meet your needs? Instead of saying, Well, how do I meet my needs? Where are you missing it?
Because most of us when it comes to conflict, we go internal very quickly. And I just come up with all the reasons why Teresa ought to be doing things different, and if she would, everything would be okay, right? Notice the conflict is an opportunity for growth in Christ. Not out of your own flesh, but in Christ, differences complement instead of compete. You realize, hey, she does look at it different, or he does look at it different, because it's not my way or her way, it's our way.
We're one flesh. Notice in Christ, selfishness is transformed to servanthood. To become a servant of your mate is a powerful, powerful. Remember the very first thing when we made the equilateral triangle? And I said, your barrier with God.
And walking with God is the most important thing you can ever do in your marriage. You know why? Because you can't be a servant to your mate without the supernatural power of God's Spirit living in me through the power of His Word and His Spirit and being in community with people to be a giver instead of a taker. I can't do that. It's impossible.
And so it really becomes a spiritual issue. And then finally, in Christ, we can... Fight fair and safely. Those principles, you know, be honest, speak the truth in love, be diligent. Uh you know Be positive.
We can learn to fight fair and lovingly. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message, Conflict Resolution: How to Fight Fair in Marriage, from our series, Uninvited Guests: Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family. Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Many philosophers have likened marriage to an exciting adventure, which is true.
So how can you and your spouse make the most of your journey together? For the next couple of programs, Chip will highlight two vital skills couples need to learn that'll transform their relationship. When you learn to communicate more clearly and effectively resolve conflict, your connection to your mate will flourish and also serve as a powerful model for your kids to look up to.
So whether you're a newlywed or have been together for decades, Chip's insights are sure to empower and encourage you. Chip's here in studio with me now, and Chip, as you sifted through all the research about marriage and parenting for this series, there was one myth that came up a lot. With all of this conflict in our marriage, it's better for our kids if we just get divorced. Dave, that is one of the most believed myths about marriage. That old school thinking of we're staying together just for the kids is actually true.
If there's challenges, struggle, argument, Kids will make it through. They're very resilient.
Now here's the problem. People don't want to stay together. When it gets really hard, how do you resolve conflict? How do you learn to communicate? There are so many good Christians who are living like roommates now.
Their marriage isn't fulfilling. They want to stay together for their kids, but they can't imagine living the way they are forever and ever and ever. And so they feel hopeless. Here's what I want to say. You can work this out.
and we have a tool to help you. Marriage that works truth cards is a beginning step To resolve some big pains in your marriage and create an environment that your kids can thrive in. We really want to help you learn to communicate, to resolve conflict. That begins with eliminating or addressing lies that you believe. And then you have to have some foundational truths.
And if you'll review a few of these every single day for 30 days, 60 days, your thinking will change, your words will change, and your marriage will change. Don't throw away a good marriage or even a problem marriage because of your present struggles. If you think that there's an easy divorce and it doesn't impact your kids, you're completely wrong. The impact goes on for decades. Let's stay together.
Let's obey God's commands, and we want to help you.
So, Dave, take a minute and share with people how they can get these cards. Sure, Chip. It's actually really simple. Throughout this entire series, for anyone who chooses to become a monthly partner with Living on the Edge, we'll send you these new Marriage That Works truth cards as our way of saying thanks.
So, please pray about supporting us. Your gifts have an eternal impact as we fight for marriages and families everywhere. To learn how to become a monthly partner, visit livingonthege.org or call us at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003, or go to livingonthege.org. App Listeners Tap Donate.
With that, here again is Chip. As we close today's program, conflict is normal. Conflict is an opportunity for growth. Conflict must be diffused, or it will destroy. Healthy conflict demands rules so no one gets hurt.
And guess what? Conflict is inevitable in a fallen world. And You know, I I just there is this invisible unwritten expectation that I just want to scream that you think and I think because I do that if we really love each other and if we both really love God everything's going to be great. Uh wrong. It's going to be hard in a fallen world.
But There's many couples that real intimacy, you know, the scripture says, as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. You know, I want you to visualize, if you will, your fingers being spread apart and then just connecting the fingertips, interlocking them.
Okay, that's what I'm doing right now in the studio. Intimacy is Pushing those fingers toward one another, you're actually invading your mate's territory. When you invade your mate's territory, there's gonna be sparks, there's gonna be conflict. And you know what I see? I see couples who say, We've never had an argument.
In 41 years, we've never had an argument. And you know what I'm gonna say? And you know what? You're pretty superficial, and you don't have very much deep anything. It takes sparks, it takes conflict that produces growth.
In our next broadcast, I will give you the rules, very specific rules about. How to fight fair. You don't have to keep fighting over the same old stuff and having the same old defense mechanisms and playing the same old games. Conflict can become your friend instead of your enemy. Great encouragement for couples to think about Chip.
Thanks. Hey, join us next time as Chip continues our newest series, Uninvited Guests. Until then, I'm Dave Druy, saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.
