In our last broadcast, I told you that communication is the highway on which love travels. And I gave you two key principles for improving, really developing your communication. Today, I want to give you the last three principles you're not going to want to miss it. If you want your love to get through, You can learn to communicate better today. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
We are an international teaching and discipleship ministry that motivates Christians to live like Christians.
Well today, Chip picks up where he left off in our series Uninvited Guests with the second half of his talk about healthy communication in marriage. He has a lot to share, so grab your Bible and go again to Ephesians chapter 4. Chip begins by continuing to walk through the principles that'll revolutionize the way you and your spouse communicate. Let's dive in. The third principle out of this is be diligent.
Work hard on your relationships. Verse 28, if you used to be a thief, you must not You must not only give up stealing, you must learn to make an honest living so that you may be able to give to those in need. And the idea here is be diligent. You know, he's talking about this transformation of relationships, and he says, Yeah, you used to be a thief. What's the idea of a thief?
It's a shortcut. Stealing is no more than I want the product, I don't want the process. I mean, you work all week, and then the guy comes up and puts the gun and says, You get your money out of the ATM, and he takes it. You did all the work, he gets all the reward. That violates a biblical principle of communication and relationship.
He says, be diligent, work hard. I came to realize I don't have the skill to relate. I have baggage. I have sin. She's a woman.
I'm a man. We got different personalities. I realized I needed to sign up for the rest of my life and make my marriage my number one priority and work at it. And what we want is we want these ideal marriages that are wonderful. But we don't want to put the time in.
I don't want to go through the process. Great marriages are like oak trees, not weeds. They take a lot of time and they're really great. But you gotta really work.
Next, it's be positive, don't wound with your words. Verse 29. Let No more foul language. but good words instead. words suitable for the occasion.
which God can use to help other people. Never hurt the Holy Spirit. He has remembered the personal pledge of your eventual full redemption. Let there be no more resentment, form of anger, no more slander, and no more malicious remarks.
So it were to be positive. Don't Wound with your words. See, you express it in a way that doesn't wound. In fact, one translation says, let no unwholesome word. And the word there for unwholesome word in Ephesians 4.29, it's a picture of milk that's gone sour or fruit that has been completely decayed.
Have you ever been on vacation and you left something in the refrigerator for like two, three weeks and you open it and then you open this thing, ugh, that smell, that stench? That's this word. Don't let any of those kind of words Words that build up people are legal in your marriage. Sarcasm, picking, labeling, name-calling, talking about her parents, their parents. Illegal.
They're ill lit now. You got to discipline yourself. But they're illegal. By the way, too, you think, oh, I said I'm sorry. Guess who keeps remembering?
Right? I got a second grade teacher. I can still remember what she said to me. And I've been out of second grade for a long time. I got a coach in ninth grade who said some things to me.
I can still remember exactly what he said to me. Wounds. With words are powerful. There's life and death in the power of words. Be very careful.
Every one of my kids, here's a little skill, write down Ephesians 4.29 and write the word memorize. Every one of my kids. Had to memorize that verse, and when they said things to one another or to one of us that were put-downs, you had to put money in a jar. And I'll tell you what, after a while they just realized, they realized I'm going broke doing this. But I wanted them to learn there's a real thing.
You're either putting money in a jar and building people up, or you're taking something out of the relationship. Be diligent, be positive, be forgiving. Be the first to say I'm sorry. Verse 32 says, Be kind to one another, be understanding, be as ready to forgive others as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. And that by the way, this is the key.
to breaking deadlock in your marriages. The word forgive literally means to release.
Okay, you release. The reason we don't forgive is revenge. See, you got to pay for this. You hurt me. You got to pay for this.
I can't forgive. I can't let it go. If I let it go, then you won't have to pay. No, what you'll get rid of is your ulcers. And you say, well, he doesn't deserve it.
You understand what he did? You know what she did? Do you know what she said? You know how much money she spent after we talked about this? You know what?
You know how. Yeah. You don't forgive em 'cause they deserve it. But forgive one another just as God in Christ has forgiven. Yeah.
I give it because I got it. And when Jesus says, that were to learn how to pray, I prayed this morning. Father, forgive me. As I forgive those. who've trespassed against me.
And then I thought of two or three names of people that I felt like had trespassed against me and Maybe the last six or eight months. And I said, I just want to remind you, Father, I want to release them. I want to pray that you bless them. Because I want you to forgive me. There's a little equation that goes on there, isn't it?
And so it's You never can wipe the board clean. And you can never start the healing process until you're willing to let go of the past hurts. And I know at times that, I mean, that's an affair. Or that's a squandering of money. But God has forgiven you.
And you need to turn them loose and release them and treat them in the way that God has forgiven you. And by the way, Matthew 5, there in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, if you're coming to the altar to worship and there remember your brother has something against you, He says, tell you what, you just leave your offering, your time with God, and go and find your brother. and make it right. Be the first to say, I'm sorry. The way we usually play the game is: it's 90% her fault.
I'll tell you what, when she comes and apologizes, we'll get this thing straightened out.
Well, I didn't respond the right way. Yeah, there was that's 10% truth, of course. I mean, it's um I'm an intelligent person, and 10% of the problem is mine, 90% hers. I'll tell you what, we haven't talked in three days and I've slept on the couch with it and all that fun. She should be sleeping on the couch.
But Couldn't bring myself to that. You you know what God teaches? The relationship matters more than who's right. And go into the bedroom and wake her up and say, you know something, honey, I want to apologize. And even if you only think it's 10%, own your part and say, I'm sorry.
And isn't it an amazing thing when the other person, you know, reality, it might have been a 50-50 or a 60-40 or a 70-30. But isn't it an amazing thing when another person takes the initiative and owns their part, even if it was a wrong response, and asks forgiveness for that? See, what keeps us apart is pride. And God is against the proud. It's my rights.
I can't let go. Just. Be the bigger person Be the first to say I'm sorry, and what you'll find tremendous healing will occur. in your relationship.
Well, those principles are pretty clear, aren't they? Just right out of Scripture. Be honest, be diligent, be positive, be forgiving. I want to give you three skills, okay? Three quick skills.
One's a listening skill, one is a conflict resolution skill, and one is an increase your love quotient skill. All right? Are you ready? Skill number one. is what I call the conference.
Tool for listening, and this is the way it works. It's very, very, very simple. And there's three questions, and they're very easy. And I sit down, I remember the first time we had this, I got this from marriage counseling. Thank you, Dr.
Dick Meyer.
Okay. I wish Teresa was here because we'd have done this. Teresa? Uh what are you concerned about? Excuse me.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I ask, what are you concerned about? I don't interrupt. I don't talk.
I don't solve a problem. I don't make a comment. I can verbally. But you just listen. What are you concerned about?
And then when I get done. She says, well, Chip, what are you concerned about? And she puts tape over her mouth.
Well, you don't have to actually do the tape, but for some you'll find it's far more effective. Because even though you're laughing, you'll interrupt. You will.
So if this is legal in this little thing that you can say, excuse me, I think maybe you need this tape. All right. And so Question one, what are you concerned about? You pour it out. And by the way, if you haven't done this in a long time, it might take 10, 12 minutes.
But you're not asking questions. What are you concerned about? I'm concerned about our marriage not being where I need it to be. I'm concerned about our finances. I'm concerned about kind of what's happening around the world with all these wars.
I'm concerned about our daughter. I do not like that guy she's dating. I'm concerned about, I'm concerned about, I'm concerned about. And then when it gets quiet, just wait. Anything else?
And then you flip it. And then the next question is. What do you desire? But what do you desire?
So I sit down, and again, I don't interrupt. Get the old tape out. What do you desire, honey? I desire for us to have a close-knit relationship like we used to. I desire for us to get a weekend away and really talk.
I desire that you would help me with the kids with their homework because you know what? I don't understand math anymore, and you're good in math, but you're never around. I desire, I desire, I desire, I desire, I desire. And this has to be super serious. I desire we'd win the lotto and we could give most of the money away, but we could have some real fun for ourselves.
I desire, you know, just whatever desire you have, just get it out.
So Question: What are you concerned about? What do you desire? You don't interrupt one another. And then the last question, and here's the final rule. What are you willing to do?
But there's one rule behind the rule. You don't have to do anything. Don't have to do anything at all. Otherwise, it turns into manipulation.
So when I get done, I say to her, What are you willing to do? She can say, I'm willing to have another conference like this in a couple days. Or I'm willing to pray for you at a deeper level. Or in my case, I remember specifically, it's not hypothetical, I'm willing to take over. all the math homework for all the kids.
Now, here's what you need to understand. Most of us. are in levels one, two, and three. Right. Most all the time.
In about 20 minutes, what occurs is you share all your burdens. That's your concerns. You know what burdens do to you? They weigh you down. And then you share your desires.
That's kind of like. Uh That that's wind in your sails. And what you're really doing is you have a little time where you say, here's what's weighing me down, babe. Here's what would put wind in my sails. I don't expect you to do anything, but now you know.
If you'd like to put a little wind in my sails, or if you'd like to lift off a burden, at least you're aware, but I don't expect you to do anything. I got to tell you, our first conference took about 25 minutes. I learned more about what was going on in my wife than hours and hours of talking about. Stuff. 'Cause we usually talk about work and stuff and logistics.
But just have a conference. It is, we did that. We had two conferences a week, probably for a decade. as we were repairing and working on our marriage, to be diligent. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
And before he continues our new series, Uninvited Guests, I want to remind you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples and parents are only possible because of listeners like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep listening after today's message, as Chip shares more of his heart for preserving the family and why now is a great time to partner with us in this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk. The second is what I call word pictures.
And a lot of people have done lots of good work on this, but it's just a tool for understanding.
Sometimes we can't get into one another's worlds, and you know, you can't get him to really get it. He just, you say it, but he doesn't get it, or you say, honey, this really matters, and no matter what you do, you can't consider a word picture. And a word picture is just something that comes out of their world instead of your world that you might be able to bridge so that light would come on, so they go, oh, I get it.
So I won't go into all the details of. How bad I've been around the house, and I've actually made lots of progress, but this was years ago. And apparently, our dishwasher, whenever it was on, the water would come under the bottom, but Teresa put towels under it, so I thought that was okay. And then our daughter's room, when it rained, the water would come in, and it took more than a few towels, but I thought that's better than replacing a window. And apparently, we had three or four appliances and four or five other things like this all around the house that I didn't notice.
Teresa asks and asks and asks, and she's angry, and she's pushing it down. And you know, I can't figure out. I wonder why my wife doesn't want to be more romantic. And so we go through this, and she says, Chip, I really need to talk to you. And she learned to do it at the right time at the right place.
But she told me this. I mean, for the first 15 years of our marriage, I couldn't hear it. And so I was near the fireplace. I still remember this. You ever have those moments where sort of a turning point in your marriage?
And I can remember right where I was at. And she goes, Chip, I really want to talk to you. I said, fine. She goes, no, no, you're going to get mad. You're really gonna get mad.
Yeah. Surely you jest, dear. I won't get mad. Will you promise?
Okay, I won't get mad.
Well, then, if you don't get mad, you're going to get really defensive. No, honey, I'm not going to be defensive. Would you just tell me? No, I'm really kind of afraid to tell you. And I said, okay, okay.
Look, will you just tell me right now and I promise I won't be mad, I won't be defensive. And so she said, okay. She said, Chip, you know, when we drive by the church and we were involved in a building program and developing a site over about a 10 or 12-year period, and you know, you know, when you are driving by the church and the bushes are all messed up, or when we walk out of a service, if songs or different things weren't done the way, you know, you have those quick debriefing meetings and you evaluate, here's what went well, here's what didn't, here's how we need to change it. Or remember last week when we were driving on our date on Friday for coffee and you just saw just all this big pile of junk and you stopped and said, you know, can you take just a minute? And you walked into the office and you made a call to make sure that wouldn't be there.
I said, Well, yeah, I'm thinking she's thinking about what a great husband I am who notices these things at my work. She said ship. When you notice all those things at the church, and you make sure everything is right and repaired. Because it's your world. I really admire you.
But when you don't even see the things that need repaired, in my world it makes me feel like you don't care about me. Because our home in some ways is an extension. Yeah. You know, this is like David. Getting it from Nathan, right?
I mean, hey, she was telling me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever, you know, this needs to fix, that needs to fix, that needs to fix. I'm thinking, 300 bucks, we don't have that, forget that, that, you know? I want to tell you, probably in the next two and a half months, every single one of those things got fixed. Because she told me in a way that reached my heart in from my world, I just thought. Oh, I get it.
And you might have to be creative. And you know, like Nathan made up that little story about, you know, the the shepherd that had only the one little lamb, But if you can think of ways to say things that give a picture out of their world, Often a light will come on. Final thing, and this is a little exercise that we're going to Run with. I call it Care List, and it's a tool for building. And so, what happens is, remember, I talked about the pie of life and how you can focus on the little sliver that's not so good and forget all the good things that you really have.
And what you really need to do is build on the good things, and so those other things shrink, so you get enough kind of positive emotions in the bank to deal with them. A care list is lists seven simple, loving, caring behaviors that are non-conflict-producing and non-expensive that make you feel loved by your spouse.
So I've done this with lots of groups and seminars, and I get all of them in together. I say, okay, let's list them, get on a whiteboard. And they give me 10, 12, 15 things. I feel love when my wife, and the top two are, communicates confidence in me. Man, when my wife communicates confidence in me, I feel love.
When she shows and initiates affections, man, I feel loved. And we just make a list. And then my wife would get in the room with a bunch of ladies.
So, what makes you feel loved by your husband? And ladies would say, when he calls me from work, when he listens intently to me, when he really acts in an understanding way.
So here's what I want you to do. I want you to take, just as we close, Three, four minutes. And on the part that it says woman, if you're a woman, I'd like you to at least put you know, three, four, two or three things that when your husband does them Notice their caring behaviors. They're non-conflict producing. In other words, like if you've been arguing about a cruise for the last 15 years, don't put, I feel love when he takes me on a cruise.
Don't do that, okay?
So So you know. Non-expensive, non-conflict producing, but you feel loved when he does these things. Will you just list three, four, or five things? And then men? I want you to list three or four things that make you feel really loved.
And then this is an amazing little thing, but what you do is, ladies, when we get done, you give yours to your husband. And men you give yours to your wife. And they don't have to do any of them? But what I'm going to suggest is choose one of these and just do one each day. Wouldn't it be amazing to know that I can at least do one thing every day when I do it, my wife's going to go, wow, he loves me.
Wow, he loves me. And for some of you, extra milers do two a day. Right? And what you're going to be doing is you actually, rather than guessing, we spend so much of our energy thinking, I did that, and she didn't respond, he did that, you know, why not make a list and say, I really feel love when these things happen. and then give it to the other person with ammunition to say, you are free to love me as much as you want.
Right? Christ loves so much He died for His Church. Is it too much? that we would tell one another clearly. what makes us experience love from that person.
And then by a willful choice, begin to do the things that communicate love. And what you'll find is that sliver that bothers you will just keep shrinking. Because what you're going to begin to do is you're going to create an atmosphere where the deeper, more painful vulnerabilities that you will get to later. It can happen in a healthy place where you feel more secure. Bye.
You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and the message you just heard, how to share hearts instead of exchange words, is from our series, Uninvited Guests: Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family. Chip will join us in the studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Many philosophers have likened marriage to an exciting adventure, which is true.
So, how can you and your spouse make the most of your journey together? For the next couple of programs, Chip will highlight two vital skills couples need to learn that'll transform their relationship. When you learn to communicate more clearly and effectively resolve conflict, your connection to your mate will flourish and also serve as a powerful model for your kids to look up to.
So whether you're a newlywed or have been together for decades, Chip's insights are sure to empower and encourage you.
Well, Chip's back in studio with me now. And Chip, you've talked a lot in this series about the fun experience you had teaching a Young Marrieds class. Tell me, what's been your biggest takeaway as you talk to these husbands and wives?
Well, Dave, you're right. My biggest aha Was an eagerness. It was like, are you really saying that marriage is just one man, one woman? Are you really saying that divorce is not an option? Are you really saying that the man can lead and cherish his wife and that a woman respects and even submits to her husband?
Are you saying that God's word is the foundation of marriage? I taught all of that. And instead of pushback, I got all these young couples leaning in and going, my parents' marriage didn't work, my first marriage didn't work, the world is crazy, thank you. And I think part of the series. probably grew out of my excitement of realizing People aren't trying to do marriage God's way.
In failing, They don't know God's way of how to do marriage. This whole series is built around: let's give people something short and helpful. To identify the lies that they believe, the foundations that they can build on, and then a way to put it into practice that really builds strong marriages. And so we've created some brand new resources. It's called the Marriage That Works Truth Cards.
And during this series, for those who choose to become monthly partners, we want to give you Marriage That Works truth cards as a way to say thanks. Pray about partnering with us and then follow God's lead. Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through doors that God opens for us.
And as Chip said during this entire series, if you become a monthly financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, the Marriage That Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. Again, that's 888-333-6003, or visit livingonthege.org. App Listeners Tap Donate. Here again is Chip to share a few final words.
In today's broadcast, I covered a lot. I probably talked pretty quickly. I encourage you, go to the website, livingontheedge.org, and download the notes at a minimum. And the conference questions, the care list, all of that is right there. And I got to tell you, I mean, I paid for 12 different sessions of marriage counseling while I was in seminary.
This little tool, the conference, was worth all the money. Teresa and I were assigned twice a week to have a conference, to ask these questions. What are you concerned about? What do you wish? What are you willing to do?
And you need to listen to that over because I gave some rules, and I'm not going to go over them again right now. There are some specific rules, complete with duct tape, that you need to put over your mouth because, especially, guys, you'll want to solve the problem. And ladies, you'll probably have a few comments you want to share. This will take your communication to the next level. It'll be very uncomfortable at first.
Do it. And ladies, please don't get frustrated. This is really, really hard for guys to do. In the room, I had people stop. I made them do it.
I shamed the men into doing it. But when they did it, The lights came on. But I will tell you, I saw body language of guys, they looked like they were being stabbed in the back. It's not that hard, but it really is uncomfortable.
So, ladies, be graceful. And, guys, I'm telling you, if you want to make points, I mean, you want to get like to an A on the wife list, take these three questions and say, Honey, I'd just like to try something. Write them down. You don't have to do it well. Have a conference.
And what you'll find is, without judgment, you're going to get some good stuff out on the table and begin. on that highway of love.
So go for it. Great challenge, Chip. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Druy, and I hope you'll join us again next time.
