The book of Proverbs reminds us that life and death are in the power of the tongue.
So how we use our words matters, especially when we talk to and about our spouse. Coming up on Living on the Edge, we'll delve deeper into this subject, including how to navigate conflict with understanding and forgiveness. I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks for joining us today as our Bible teacher Chip Ingram continues to guide us through our series Uninvited Guests.
So far, he's highlighted 13 lies that couples have unknowingly accepted. which can subtly undermine their marriage. In just a minute, he'll identify a few more that relate to this topic of communication, an area that every couple can improve on.
So if you haven't already, consider inviting a few married friends to join you in the series. Everyone can listen at livingontheedge.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. All right, here now is Chip with his talk, Words That Wound, Truth That Heals. Did you ever wonder why just a little comment? can cause such a big argument.
Your spouse says some little thing. Or you say some little thing. And all of a sudden, you find yourself like, whoa, where did that reaction come from? And for the life of you, it was like, I can't figure out what happened here. This is nuts.
I mean, I didn't say anything that should be offensive. And as we look at misbelief number 14 and number 15. I want to give you maybe some insight that'll be really helpful. I want to talk first to you women. Misbelief number 14 is My husband's attitude makes no sense to me.
He gets so upset when I make even the smallest comment in front of others about something he did wrong. We've all been here. you and another couple are going to a restaurant. or maybe you're going to a concert. And it's a really big parking lot.
You are sitting in the front seat with your husband, and you're driving around, and he's surveying the parking lot, doing what men do, looking for a spot.
Now, in his mind, There's a lot of issues about this spot that he's not saying. One of the issues is he doesn't want to be too close because this is a fairly new car and he doesn't want to get bumped. Another is he's thinking ahead, thinking, you know what, man, there's a lot of people here. I don't want to be stuck for an hour getting out of here.
So he's wandering in places that you don't understand. First once and then twice, then like three times. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dear, dear, right here, right here. Park here, park here, park here. And he kind of glances at the back seat and then he drives a little bit farther.
Didn't you see that one? Look, quick, that other car's gonna get it. If you go to the other side and you go turn, and then you get a look from him that is a little stronger than if there wasn't another couple, he might say something he'd regret.
So you keep driving, and then he eventually parks the car, you all get out. You begin walking toward the restaurant or the concert. And being the perceptive white that you are. you recognize that there might be something wrong. And you turn to him as you're walking because he looks very silent.
His body language has stiffened. You sort of reach out to hold his hand, and he makes it evident that he doesn't want to hold your hand. And you're thinking, wait a second, this was supposed to be a date. These are with our really good friends. This is one of our favorite restaurants.
Or this is a concert we've all been waiting to go to. And what's with him? And you can't get it out of him. And it's cold most of the night. And finally, you know, you drop the other couple off and you get in the car, and Mr.
Stoic is still Mr. Stoic, and you turn to him and you say, You just about ruined our evening. We had this planned for a long time, and those tickets cost quite a bit of money. I was so looking forward to being with you. And then you just turned like a cold fish.
What's wrong with you? And he's silent. No, I mean it. What's wrong with you? And you finally probe and probe and probe and finally he tells you.
And in your mind, you're thinking, Are you kidding me? You mean our whole evening? was semi-ruined from my perspective. Because I was trying to help. I was just trying to help you find a parking spot and And that little comment made you respond like that?
And I'm guessing this is not like the only illustration. That's the most benign one I can give you. I've experienced that more than a few times. You know, I have all adult children now. And, you know, whether it's Christmas or a Thanksgiving or a vacation or something, and everyone's there.
And there's a lot of joking that goes on. And I'm the butt of a lot of it. I don't know. Maybe it's being a pastor. I think my kids got sick of hearing people don't really know me very well.
They think your dad's so wonderful. And so I think one of our goals in life is to make sure he stays humble at home. And so they give me a hard time about everything. I mean, if I say something crazy or tell a wrong illustration, it's like the roast goes on. And so we're all together and we're all talking about something.
And it's usually pretty good natured. And Teresa goes into this whole story about I can't fix anything. I'm just inept and I can't fix anything. It's true. And usually it can be a joke.
But I remember as she shared that and it was all funny and everyone was laughing. I wasn't laughing. I mean, on the outside, I smiled and I laughed, but You really hurt. And that may be true. But in front of my grown kids, it was like a little dart.
It made me so sad because what I realized is I didn't want to be around her. I mean, I love my wife. She said what was true in front of my kids, and everyone's laughing. I can't fix anything.
So why did that hurt so much? And let me tell you, ladies, this is why it hurts so much. And this is why you have to really guard your mouth and later men. I'll talk about why you need to guard your mouth. The lie is my husband's attitude makes no sense to me.
He gets so upset, even when the smallest comment in front of others, when he did something wrong.
Well, here's the truth, and here's why. Husbands Fear. futility. the sense that they don't measure up. That's the best.
Refusing to criticize publicly and physical intimacy builds up his confidence. I don't care how successful your husband is. I don't care if he's built like Atlas and lifts weights. I don't care if he's wealthy and powerful. I don't care what kind of job he has.
I don't care if it's construction or he's a genius in computer programming. Every single man on the face of the earth. Fears futility. Do I measure up? And a little comet.
that communicates.
Okay, maybe it shouldn't threaten a man for someone to tell him where to park, but the message that a man hears is, do you think I'm an idiot? You think I can't figure out where to park? You don't think I have a brain? I'm not your son. You don't think I've got a few things that I'm thinking about where to park that might be a little bit different than you?
I don't need help in this one. That's where that emotion is. And, you know, I've tried to use the kind of illustrations that seem so mild. How in the world could they produce that? But some of you know, you said really critical things.
to a friend about your husband and it gets back to him. Critical things. that make him feel like he doesn't measure up. In fact, you've said them to him. If you don't get anything else out of this message, You need to grasp that your husband more than anything else.
believes that your opinion is the most important opinion in the entire world. Write that down, jot it down, do something. Your husband believes that your opinion is the most important opinion in the entire world. I happen to do a job where I'm in front of lots of people, at times thousands of people. And I'll go to airports and be picking up my bag.
Oh, I recognize that voice. Are you, Chip? Yeah, I listen to Living on the Edge. Blah, blah, blah. After a service, I want to tell you that's the best message I've ever heard in my whole life.
And what I know is it's not the best message. What I know is I've been used by God. And what I've learned over the years is, thank you, Lord. I want to be your PVC pipe that your grace can flow through. And in my wife's experience, she goes, you get so much praise.
How in the world do you handle that? And I said, by and large, I appreciate. They're really trying to say thanks to God, but they need to see someone. And I happen to be the person and it's a stewardship. And I need to listen and sort of deflect and make sure that, hey, thanks.
I was glad to be a part of God's work in your life. But when my wife tells me, Chip, I've heard you speak a lot of times. Wow. I saw God's power. You were up the wee hours of the morning.
I mean, you're really preparing. I've seen you pray. I know how much pressure you felt. that message, the way it could have gone, because it's very controversial. Chip, I'm really proud of you.
That, ladies. is worth 100,000 comments. from people all over the world that I don't know. And so, I just want to encourage you that words of affirmation, and especially if your husband's lost his job. If he's going through a rough time, If he's doubting himself, Can I be so bold to say you need to give words of affirmation?
And I know this is a family program, but you initiating making love with him will tell him more about how he's loved and affirmed and cared for. And certainly, the act of intimacy is important, but it's way more being naked and unashamed. being valued just for who you are. you bring nothing to the table. And someone in this world loves you and loves you deeply.
And what I would be very quick to give you is Philippians 2, 3, and 4. And it's a verse worth memorizing. Do nothing. From selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather in humility. Value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interest of others.
You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And before he continues our new series, Uninvited Guests, I want to remind you that all of our efforts to strengthen couples and parents are only possible because of listeners like you. In fact, let me encourage you to keep listening after to day's message, as Chip shares more of his heart for preserving the family, and why now is a great time to partner with us in this work. Be sure to stick around. But for now let's rejoin Chip for the rest of his talk.
And women are not the only ones. gentlemen who say insensitive things and that are clueless. about why a certain word could cause such wounds, and such damage, and such arguments. Let me give you some of the private thoughts of men. Ladies, you might be interested in this.
Here's the misbelief. My wife's attitude makes no sense to me. If I joke about her gaining a little weight or I take notice even slightly of another woman, she comes unglued. I don't get it. I was just joking.
I just said, hey, hon, looks like you put on a couple pounds. And then she shut down or. You're in a restaurant and a beautiful woman walks by. We're all human. God made people very beautiful, and maybe this person has a very lovely figure and decides not to put much on to cover it.
And being a human and being a man, you look. That's one thing. It's the glue of your eyes as that occurs. And your wife is like... What's going on?
What is going on? In fact, if you want to know, gentlemen, why Porn is so, so devastating. for a wife to discover. Or for some of you that are dating, if you discovered about your boyfriend, Porn gets at the heart. of why all these things I'm talking about.
is painful, devastating. can shut a woman down and make her feel very, very unloved. The misbelief is my wife's attitude makes no sense to me when I joke. about gaining a little weight. Or I take even a little notice of other women, she comes unglued.
Here's the truth. Women fear abandonment. of losing the relationship. That's why saying I love you being a good listener. and showing affection in public.
built up her sense of belonging. Just as you feel like I don't measure up. Am I really a man? Women by and large fear Are you going to leave me? Are you going to abandon me?
Am I not good enough so that you have to stare in front of the screen of make-believe people who have their bodies shot up with stuff and pretend worlds? Am I not good enough that your attention goes to another woman? Do you love me or just. If my body isn't what it used to be, so You really don't love me, you just love me for how I looked. That's what's going through her mind.
That's why that little comet is not a little comet. And that's why men, you need to communicate. That you love her. And I know I've heard all the jokes like, I told her I love her when we got married, and you know, she ought to remember that. I have learned and I've gone into training.
I probably tell my wife that I love her. multiple times a day. Teaching this right now has been an encouragement because As most of you know, I didn't get these misbeliefs out of books somewhere. It wasn't like, hey, Chip, here's a great book on misbeliefs about marriage and relationships. Why don't you write those down and come up with some messages?
I got all these misbeliefs from my own personal experience. from the study of God's word and from countless hours of meeting with men and women. who could have had great relationships. who actually squandered them because they started believing lies like. when the right person comes into my life, then everything's gonna be okay.
If my husband would only do this, then everything would be great. If my wife would only do this, then everything would be great. The fact of the matter is that women fear abandonment and we need to communicate, I love you. I don't love you just for the way you look. I don't love you for what you bring.
I don't love you just for what you do. I love you. I am for you. And by the way, that can be very, very generic, so you need to get it specific. I love you.
Because the way you're faithful to me. And the way that you listen. I love you because I watch how you treat our children. I love you because every time we're around, in my case, women that are hurting and no one cares about, I see the love of Christ. Come through you into their lives.
I love you because you remind me. That we're all desperate, and someday I would love to learn to pray the way that you pray. I love you because you inspire me to walk with God. I love you, sometimes not as much as I'd like to, when you are so about integrity, integrity, integrity, and little tiny things. And I'm thinking you're being a little legalistic.
And the fact of the matter is maybe I was being a little bit loose. Your wives so desperately need to hear that kind of affirmation. And then you need to be are you ready? I mean, all the research is in. A woman likely feels more loved.
when you do this one thing than almost any other thing. And it's what we as men are no good at, by and large. It's called listening. When you come home. You need to Stop in the driveway, or get off the train, or get off the bus, or get off the bike, whatever you do, you get home for those of us that work outside our home.
Or if you work inside the home, then shut down your computer and move from another room and take a lap or two around the house and then say, okay, I'm entering a new world. And whether you get home at the same time, but when she enters, My first 15 minutes need to be about How was your day? How are you doing? What was the biggest challenge you had? Tell me a little bit more about that.
And maybe they're tired and there's just a word, but listen. And when you listen, it can't be like, yeah, honey, tell me about that. and the TV's on over here, or you've got a magazine or a book up. No, no, no, no. When you listen, you need to lean forward, body language, I'm engaged.
It needs to be eye contact. I really want to hear what you're saying. And then don't fix her. Don't, oh well, gosh, if you were to get up earlier, that wouldn't happen.
Well, I think you should tell your boss that.
Well, if I was you, I wouldn't put up with that from you, supervisor. Did you report that in the HRs? All that may be true. She doesn't want to hear that. She doesn't need to hear that.
Here's what she needs. I love you. I'm for you. I want to listen about your day. And there may be a time to address some things.
But your wife needs to know that she's precious, that she's beautiful. I don't mean this as manipulation. I think my wife's beautiful. I was looking at a picture just before I came in and it was It was a picture of my wife about 20 years ago when my daughter, gosh, at least 20 years ago, my daughter was late teens. And I saw the picture of the three of us.
And I just looked at it, I thought, she's gorgeous. He's gorgeous. Men, here's the key. Your wife needs to know that she's gorgeous and she needs to hear you say and believe. You're beautiful.
You look really good in that dress. That's a lot better than You know, did you get some new jeans? I think they're too tight. Guys, you say the stupidest, dumbest things.
Now, by the way, can I say both directions for men and for women. There may be some times where You need to say. I'm concerned about your health. Could we have a conversation about how much you're working? Or I'm concerned.
about your health. I can tell you you're down. and you don't like yourself When you gain 5, 10, 15 pounds, I know you don't like yourself right now. I want you to know I love you. But what's the game plan?
How can I be of help? Or what do you need to do? Because this isn't a direction.
So don't hear that you don't ever address things. What I'm saying is You need to understand that A little comment, a little joke, a little insensitivity. from a wife to a husband or from a husband to a wife. can be devastating. And it can produce layers of resentment.
And I will tell you the enemy is glad to break up your relationship even if it takes 10 years. but little resentments that don't get addressed. They just get filed. and then they build up. After that becomes bitterness.
And after that, you see them through a different lens, and it's a negative one. and that path is devastating. The truth Women fear abandonment of losing the relationship. That's why saying I love you. being a good listener.
and showing affection in public. build up her sense of belonging. It's the same verse. It's Philippians 2, 3 and 4. Do nothing.
out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather, in humility, value others above yourselves. not looking to your own interest but each of you. to the interests of others. Here's what I'm gonna tell you. If you want your marriage to change, Because in our next time together, I'm going to go a little bit different direction.
We're going to look at the foundation, but you want your marriage to change. You really want a great marriage that will produce a great family. Then here's the deal. You need to get these cards. And by the way, I don't want you just to, don't even try to memorize them.
What I want you to do is I want you to get them and put them next to your bedside. And then, what I want you to do is three, maybe four cards at the most. When you get up, sit up in bed, don't turn on your phone, don't check the Wall Street Journal, don't do anything. I want you just to take a few minutes and read them out loud. If your mate's not up, just whisper them.
two or three of these cards. Here's the misbelief. Here's the truth. Here's the verse. And then put them under the stack and leave them there.
Before you go to bed, you do the same thing. I'm going to tell you something because I've been doing this for decades. You read that over and over and over and over and over, and that misbelief and you say the word stop out loud, and then you flip the card over, and this is the truth, and here's the passage. You will unconsciously find yourself doing things that you never did before. I unconsciously now walk by the trash can and realize it's full.
I never even saw it before. And I take it out. I walk into the room when she's done all the laundry, and my mind goes to she will feel affirmed and loved if I put it away right now.
So that's how I did it. I never did that before.
Something comes out of my mouth that encourages her. Why? Because I have gone into training.
So that these attitudes and these responses are the ones I know God wants for me, the ones I want, but just reading a book or trying hard will not change very much. You have to renew your mind. If you want a great marriage, You have to fight for it. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to Chip's message, Words That Wound, Truth That Heals, from our series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family.
Well, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, is back in studio with me. And Chip, throughout this series you've invited our listeners to become monthly financial partners.
Now take a minute, if you would, and explain why we've devoted so much time and energy to asking people to join us. Dave, there's a very, very simple reason. The backbone of our ministry is people who are on the team. The second thing is, is we have people give at all different levels and we're thankful for all of them, but we never know what's coming in. When people are on the team and people give monthly, guess what?
You begin to build a baseline that you can know this amount of money is going to come in each month. And just like people's budget. Can you imagine never knowing what your paycheck is going to be and how you're going to pay your bills? And so we wanted to emphasize monthly donors become a part of the family. They become a part of reaching the next generation, equipping pastors and leaders and discipling God's people.
And if it's $10 a month or $20 a month, $100 a month, we leave that up to them. But move from, this is great, this is helpful, to I want to be on the team. We are committed to really making a difference, and that means we've got to go there together. And we need everyone to carry some of the weight. That's why we talk about becoming monthly partners.
Our world is in desperate need. Our country's in desperate need. Families who love Jesus are in desperate need. We are called to make disciples, to reach the next generation, and to equip families and leaders to really walk with God. We want to be a part of helping Christians live like Christians.
And if you resonate with that, let me encourage you. Become a monthly partner. Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through doors that God opens for us.
And as Chip said during this entire series, if you become a monthly financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, the Marriage That Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingontheedge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. Again, that's 888-333-6003, or visit livingonthege.org. App Listeners Tap Donate.
Well, from all of us here, I'm Dave Druy, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us again next time.
