The New Way ... With Words

When Jennifer and I got married, We used to fight a lot when we were dating. Went to a little Bible college. When you're a little Bible college, everybody knows your business. They're all up in it. all the time.

But you're in Bible college, so you can't hate them for it.

So Um we used to fight. We were people knew us as the fighting couple. I don't mean like fight, like duke it out. you know. She took a couple swings, but I ducked.

But I mean fight like we would argue. She's the oldest of six so she had no problem telling people what to do. I'm an only child. I had no problem not wanting to be told what to do and telling her what to do. Right?

So we were sort of a match made in hell at the very beginning. It's why when we had our premarital counseling after we took personality tests, the guy who did our counseling pulled us apart and said, You guys will, your marriage will never work. But you both love Jesus, so you'll probably be okay. That was encouraging. He was right.

that we did both love Jesus. And he was right that we'd be okay. And he was right. that it would probably be some rough going early on. And we got married and within two weeks we had moved halfway across the country from New York, Pennsylvania area to Dallas, Texas for me to go to grad school, seminary.

And we had had an incident about six weeks after we arrived where an armed man tried to break into our home while we were there at night. And it scared us both. I didn't own a weapon outside of my entire body. Um So I thought, you know, this is not good. We ended up moving.

It was the last night we spent in that apartment. We moved to another place. This other place had like secured gates and everything like that.

So we were safe. But we weren't safe from each other. And I can remember some of the horrific arguments that we had. And even as I think about it, it really is, it's shameful. It's embarrassing.

to me now. Twenty seven years into marriage. grown up a bit. But I can remember saying things. I can remember hearing things.

And I'll never forget one night there was a woman who lived down below us, and I can only imagine the story she could tell about the seminary students up above her. And I remember one night I looked at Jennifer and I said, You know what? Maybe we ought to just get a divorce. I remember saying it. Almost in hatred, I was so angry.

I turned around. And I walked out. Down the stairs. and walked away. To my shame.

And what happened is as I walked away, I gave all kinds of territory and space in our relationship. To the devil who wanted nothing more than to destroy these two young people who loved Jesus. And I created the space. I created the space with my inability to control my tongue. I created the space with my words.

Um There's a quote. By Steve Irwin. Remember Steve Irwin? He's the crocodile guy who died of a stingray. Up near the Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Queensland that stabbed him like a hundred times.

And Steve Irwin said the following: Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder.

Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. Crocodiles are easy. You know. What a croc's gonna do. Yeah.

People? Ooh.

Sometimes. They got the same thing in their eyes. They just hide it. And by the way, when I say people, I don't mean everybody else. I mean me.

I mean me. I mean you. We're the kind of people. who sometimes can be that way. And sometimes we can be that way with the people we love the most.

Our text is of for us. This morning. I want you to look with me in Ephesians 4. I'm going to read verse 17. uh down through verse 24 uh just as a way of reminder.

And it's an important reminder because one of the things, if you can take your minds back if you've been here and if not, welcome to a series that we're going to be working through in Ephesians. We called it One because it's really about unity in the big picture with a lot that pours into and out of that in a variety of ways. I've titled this this morning, The New Way with Words. And along the way, one of the things you've seen if you've been here again is that there sometimes are like little sub-series within the series. Like we had a stretch in Ephesians 4 where our focus was on unity very directly, formula for unity, the formation of unity, the fruits of unity.

And we looked at all of that because that's the theme of Ephesians 4. The text is just dictating for us what we're going to talk about. Early on, we had a lot about salvation. There's a lot about new life in Christ. It's because that's what Ephesians 2, for example, is all about.

Back to Ephesians 1. Whole things about the blessings that you have in Christ and how he has afforded different things in the gospel.

Sort of the mechanics under the hood of the gospel that we could pull out, look at piece by piece, and we looked at those. Here You're going to see a series of sermons over the next few several months That are focused on the new way, the new way, the new way, the new way, the new way. Because the first three chapters in Ephesians have built. a bedrock of doctrine that is about the transformation of the life that is not something that we do, but something that has happened to us. We're the recipients in Ephesians 1 through 3.

But in Ephesians 4, moving forward, we see repeatedly the idea of walking, walking, walking. And that's a metaphor for the way that you live. And what happens is Ephesians 4, all the way really through the end of Ephesians, is charting a new kind of course for how we ought to live, a new way. of living, a new way of being. And so in Ephesians 4, verse 17, I don't expect you to remember because the reality is you'll forget most of this sermon by about tomorrow afternoon.

But the title of the last message we had in Ephesians was just called The New Way. The new way. That was the introduction. To what we're going to now sort of pick up the hood and go, what's this new way of life look like? And we're going to get to see.

How it looks with our words today. We'll get to see.

Next week, how it looks with our work. Then we're going to come back and we'll visit again how it looks with our words, because he double dips on the idea of our words. And then we'll keep moving forward in various aspects of our relationships. We'll see how it looks in ways that we should avoid and things we should walk away from. But we're just going to look at the different parts of this new life.

and what it looks like. With that said, verse 17 says, Now this I say and testify in the Lord. that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart, they have become callous. I don't feel anymore.

Giving themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.

Now, look, and if you underline in your Bibles, this would be a really good thing to underline. But that is not the way. That's not the way You learned Christ, who you're supposed to look like in your Christian life. Who is it? Jesus.

You're supposed to look like Jesus. You're supposed to have his kind of life, right? Paul tells people: watch me, imitate me, while I imitate Christ.

So you're supposed to look at Jesus. Chart out his ethical life, see how he handles situations, see how he relates to people, and go, that's what I'm supposed to do. And he says that The way described above, that's not how you learn Jesus. That's not his kind of life. Assuming you've heard about him and were taught in him as the truth is in Jesus, you want to match the reality?

Of what God wants for your life, that's what truth is. It's what matches reality. You wanna match reality?

So what mm-hmm? Don't live like that up above. What should you live like? Put off your old self, verse 22. Which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desi and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

So That section was an introduction. An old way that goes away, a new way that is put on.

Now, what's that new way look like? He's going to begin. Verse 25 through 27 is our text. Therefore, Having put away, so that tells us, right? In light of the fact that chapters one through three exist.

In light of the fact that God did something in your life, transformed you, we'll have people baptized. What are they getting baptized for? They're getting baptized to say to you. that they have been, past tense, transformed. That they are being transformed and that they will be transformed because God in Christ has saved them.

They're not walking down here and doing a work or a deed that somehow we got to make sure every inch of them gets under the water, lest their schnaz not be sanctified because we didn't get it under. It's not a work. It's just something significant that is crucial. It's a stake at the head of the trail of their new way. All right.

So Having put away, it's happened. In fact, in Greek, the having put away, you should notice, it's what's called an aorist. Middle.

Now, what's that mean? If it's middle, it's reflective.

So, if it means like you're responsible, you're doing this to you, you're doing it yourself.

So this is for you, this is for me. That We we we we have Gotten a new life. We've put something away, but it's an Arist tense, which means it's like a Polaroid picture. And you pull up a Polaroid picture. And it doesn't tell you a truckload about all the events around it.

You have to go back in your memory to the Polaroid to remember all the things that surrounded the event. But it does encapsulate the event. It shows it. It can show somebody in mid-flight. It's Polaroid.

Your life is a series of erist tenses. It's a series of Polaroids, right? You can take a remember when that happened? Remember when that happened? Remember when that happened?

This is what Paul's doing. He's saying, if we're going to start this new life, what you need to do is you need to remember that you put away.

Something. You remember that you put away something. Verse 25, therefore, having put away falsehood, I'll come back to that. Let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry and do not sin.

Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil. That's our text. Out of that, we are going to get seven exhortations, and they're going to come quick. We're going to spend most of our time in the last couple. Seven exhortations about the new way with our words.

From those three verses. Here's the first. You must. You must reject the lie. And all lies.

What's the lie? It's what's referenced when it says falsehood. You see that there? In Greek, it is just literally. Having put away The lie.

The lie. What is the lie? the former way of life. You were living in a way that didn't match ultimate reality. Ultimate reality is a life that looks like the character of God which was demonstrated to us in Christ.

And he's saying, we're characterized by that kind of life. You didn't have to work hard to lie. You didn't have to work hard to be angry. You didn't have to work hard to somehow mistreat people. You didn't have to work hard to gossip.

You didn't have to work hard to lust. You didn't have to work hard to prioritize yourself. It came quite naturally to you. That way of living is a way that leads you away. From what God in Christ establishes as the kind of life you ought to have.

And so he says you've got to get away from the lie.

Now, the lie gives birth to all kinds of lies. All the things that I listed for you just a moment ago are lies from the lie. The lie is, hey, you know what? Living by your own lights is going to be really awesome. You'll find the truth within you.

You go, you do you. You do you. If you want to drive your life off a cliff, you do you. No, I do. You're like, you do you.

And it's going south super fast. Guess what? When I was yelling at my wife, I was doing me. And every time I'd say, I didn't mean to get so angry. I'm sweet hard.

No, I meant to. I'm into. It was me. It was all me. Again and again and again and again.

And it wasn't until Brian could grow some big boy spiritual pants and look at himself in the mirror. and realized that was him. that he could begin to stop that. Little tantrum. Immature lies that pour from the lie.

Um You brood of vipers, Jesus said to the Pharisees. How can you speak good? When you're evil. The answer is you can't. Why?

He says, For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

So whatever's coming out Of of of your pie hole? is who you are. That's who you are. It's not who you're not. It's who you are.

It it's the only way we'll know who you are, by the way. That's how we'll know.

So if you speak angry, If you speak vitriol, if you speak lies, if you speak slander, if you speak gossip, and you wonder why people think you're not a Christian, don't look any farther than your speech. That's your answer. There you have it. Because you can't say, I am on the new way. But your mouth is stuck in the oil.

My mouth is stuck in the old.

So the first exhortation is you got to reject. The lie. And all the lies. that go with it. Number two.

Having put away falsehood, let Each one of you speak the truth. I want I want you just to focus on Each one. Why does he say that? Why doesn't he say just let you? Why doesn't he leave it in the collective of the church?

Lots of exhortations in the New Testament are left in the collective of the church, and you're still supposed to apply them to your daily life.

So why does he do this? Because he knows. The Holy Spirit knows. How slippery I am to get out underneath my own accountability for how I speak. I am so in the game of blaming you for how I talk.

Like I told you, you make me angry.

Well, I had to defend myself. She wouldn't hear me otherwise. I tried it that way.

Well yeah, I mean we have zillions of lines that we use in a variety of ways. But the reality is that no one is making you angry. When it says, let each one of you speak, it's a present active indicative in the Greek. It means let habitually. Habitually, again and again and again and again, take personal responsibility, each one.

Each one of you. Me. Personal responsibility. For my own speech Patterns. No one else.

Is responsible for me in this area, and no one else gets. to be blamed. I'm not suggesting in some unrealistic world that other people's actions don't play into your emotions and you're to live a kind of stoic reality. I'm not suggesting that for one moment. What I'm suggesting to you is that their influence on your emotions are actually irrelevant to your accountability before God for what you do with your emotions.

That's what I'm suggesting. It's not that it's unrealistic. It's that it's hard. It's called being a Christian. And it's hard to do.

It's hard to do. 'Cause if you slander me, I really want to tell you what I think about you. And when you're angry with me and I see the whites of your eyes, I'd like you to see the whites of mine. Feels almost primal. To come back.

And my job is to stop. It's to guard. A man of knowledge uses words with Eloquence. No. Used to have a friend.

In a marriage, they divorced actually. And in their fights and in their arguments, one of the things he would say to his wife is: just because you can argue better than me doesn't mean you're right. He was actually true. That's true. A man of knowledge uses words.

With power. Why is a powerful word? Man. No. Isn't it interesting that a man of knowledge knows when to shut up?

A man of knowledge uses words with restraint. A man of knowledge knows how to be selective. A woman of knowledge knows when to speak and when not to speak and how to speak and how much to say and how much not to say and when not to speak. A man of understanding is even-tempered. Yes, true.

He doesn't let his emotions move his mouth. She doesn't let her emotions Move her mouth. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent. Yeah. I like like even somebody that is really dumb and ridiculous If they keep their mouth shut, They'll fool you for a while.

You'll think they're smart. They're not, they're just dumb. Their silence fools you. Yes. and discerning if he holds his tongue.

So what does that all mean? I mean it means that you and I ought to get really good. It being quiet. Get really good at being quiet. You know people who All they do is talk?

Can't get a word in edgewise? Right. Thank you. As one of our counselors says, she has a statement that I love. It's Carissa.

Um, she was up here playing the big cello thing there. She says, seek to be interested. rather than be interesting. Love that statement. Seek to be interested rather than be interesting.

Um Use your words with restraint. But you're accountable for it. You're accountable. I'm accountable. You gotta prize the truth.

That's the third thing. You have to prize the truth. We live in a culture of lies. Yeah. That whatever side of the aisle you're getting media on That They are not always.

But they are fairly regularly lying to you. Just take a news story sometime and read it from different vantage points. And here's what you're going to watch. You can watch it. You'll see the story.

I challenge you to do it. Grab a story, read it from MSNBC. Grab a story, read it from Fox News, and grab a story and read it from the BBC. Just take it and read the same story.

Okay? Here's what you're going to see. You're going to read it. You're going to see the core gut details. Like the X's and O pieces are pretty much the same.

And then you're going to see little phrases. He gloated. Another one's going to say, he said. And another's going to say he demurred. And you're going to go, uh-oh, and you're like, what's Demir mean?

That means he was. Reserved. He gave way. He didn't say it braggadociously. He said it kind of in a way that was calm and relaxed.

And you go, what, did he brag? Did he just state it, or did he say it in a way that was humble? And all three are going to tell you something different, and you're going to leave the story going, that guy's a jerk. That guy just stated the facts. That guy was so humble.

And they'll tell you he said the same thing. But you're gonna leave feeling different. This is how the, and then you go back, same source, same source, same source, same source, same source, same source. That guy's a jerk! Those people are criminals.

Okay.

Okay.

all the while. People are just spinning lies. Man, I wish it wasn't like that. But there's a whole narrative, there's a whole history where we shifted from reporting real things and interviewing real people to just writing opinion pieces and trying to move meters. And it's all shifted, right?

So it is now. Doesn't mean you can't trust anybody. It doesn't mean you ought to be suspicious of everybody. The Bible warns you against suspicion. But what you should do is do this.

You should prize the truth. You should prize the truth in your life because it matters. Each one of you speaks the truth. There are two things you need to know about that. The first is that you cannot prize the truth by being a hypocrite.

You could say the right thing, but your actions don't back up. Like when I was telling my wife. Maybe we should get a divorce. If the next day I decided to sit down and talk with somebody about how they should treasure their marriage vows and treat their spouse with deep respect. I would have been a hypocrite.

I would have been a hypocrite. I hadn't learned the lessons from my poor, uncontrollable speech. Yet. to be able to not be hypocritical in that area.

Okay.

It doesn't mean you have to be sinless before you can open your mouth. Perish the thought or nobody'd ever teach or speak. But it does mean you gotta have some consistency in areas, and you can't just speak out in regard to those things. You know, I was really good at ferreting this stuff out of your kids. Right.

Like if you, husband, speak condescendingly to your wife. And then you wonder why your kids don't respect you? Look in the mirror. What what they're they're literally just following you, man. They're just parroting it.

No, they should respect. I'm their father. I know, but you're a jerk to their mother. And they're watching you. They're going to learn from you.

All right.

Mom's condescending towards dad and kind of Makes jokes about him. But she can't understand why these girls just will not listen to her voice. Because I know how she uses her words. I see through it. You figure it out.

But if you're consistent, then you get some ground. You gotta shun hypocrisy. If we say we fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie. We're just, we're lying. We don't practice the truth.

It's real clear-cut, it's simple. The good news is, three verses later he says, this good news, confess your sin. He'll forgive you. He'll forgive you. Brian, you should have never said that to her.

Lord, I'm sorry. You're right. I'm your child and I didn't look like it. She's your child and I didn't treat her like it. God forgive me.

And he doesn't say, now stand on your head, spit nickels. Say five Jesus Christ. Call me in the morning. He says, I forgive you. I already did.

I already did in the gospel. Let's get going. State what is the case. That's the other part. You speak the truth?

Yet tell the truth. Yeah, speak what is the case. In a culture of lies, don't tell it slant. Don't be a jerk. But don't tell it slant.

And don't be pompous. You're not going over and above as a Christian because you tell the truth. It's just your job. That's it. A ditch digger doesn't get rewards for digging ditches.

That's what he does.

So if you tell the truth and you're a Christian, You don't get a red badge of truth. You're just being a child of the king. He has been a child, can you state what's the case?

So this verse actually Scholars think that probably the background for it in terms of Paul's Old Testament thought is probably Zechariah 8. And the reason has to do with the context. Because in Zachariah 8 You get this section where the Lord is saying, I'm going to bless you guys. And when I bless you. This is how I want you to act in the land when I bless you.

And as he kind of describes that, what they're supposed to be like as God's blessed people, here's what they get: these are the things that you shall do. Speak the truth to one another. Are you blessed as God's children? That's his church. Speak the truth to one another.

Render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace. Make for peace. Do you know that when you say the truth and you say it kindly? You're adding truth to the truth. What do I mean?

I mean at that point Your disposition actually corresponds to God. Not just your words. But how you are with your words now matches Jesus. Judgments that are true, make for peace. Don't divide evil in your hearts against one another, and love no false oath, for all of these things I hate, declares the Lord.

Don't celebrate liars. Don't celebrate liars. That might mean there's a lot of people in America you can't celebrate. I'm being honest with you, it might mean that. Don't do it.

Don't do it. The church isn't a celebrator of lies. Church celebrates truth. We celebrate truth. Speak the truth to one another.

Four, you can never lose sight of your membership. Look at it. For we are members one of another. What's your membership? Your your membership is with each other.

Your membership is that you Right. A child of The father. And you are a child of the Father. And you are a child of the Father. and you are and you are and you are and you are and you and we move our way around.

And I can't ever. cut myself off. from that reality. The moment I cut myself off from that reality, something is wrong with the familial identity. Not allowed to do that.

Number five. Your anger is to be pointed at sin and its consequences. Be angry. And do not Sin. I think this verse is often a rather misunderstood verse, and so I want to just take a minute on it.

Be angry and do not sin. Angry people like this verse. What Because it tells me. I can be. Angry.

Pastor. You always talk about anger as a sin. The Bible says Be angry? And do not sin.

Well, guess what that tells me? Snicker, snicker, snicker. I can be angry and not sad. There's some anger I can have and it's not sinful. You should note a couple of things.

Note a couple of things.

Well, w one of them is that I think you'll be hard-pressed to find more than five times in your life you've been angry without sin. I think if you really cut down and get right down to it, you'll be hard pressed to find it. Here's anger that is righteous. Anger that is righteous is anger solely because God's character is being defamed. That's righteous anger.

You and my guess is maybe you've had that. People have that. That is. There is righteous anger. But all of a sudden, when my kids are acting like a fruit loop.

running around the dinner table and will not sit down when we want to eat. And I get angry. And I think in my mind, they should obey me, I'm their father. That doesn't make it righteous. And chances are a big part of your anger is because you're being inconvenienced and the people around you think you're a fool.

Even though you're not, they should be weeping with you, because every parent knows how that goes. If you're here and you don't have children and you're in your 20s and you're married and you're going to have children, you're going to go into Walmart, you're going to see people whose kids are going crazy and you're going to look at them the same way we all did when we were in our 20s and go, get your kids under control, what is wrong with you people? Then you're going to have kids, and you're going to realize. That you can't control them. They are possessed.

We're spitting pea soup in the aisles. Then you're going to be my age, and your kids are older, and you're going to see them, and you're going to go. I weep for you. I wait for you. I remember those days.

I still have trauma, PTSD from them. And then you become a grandparent, and then you want to go and hug the kids and love the kids because you've forgotten what it is to be a parent. You're still blaming the parents now. You think they're traumatizing their children. It's a cycle of life.

Guard anger. I'm going to come back to that and talk a little more. But I do want to say this. He said The lie. Here?

Put away the lie.

So there is something your anger can be pointed towards. There is a righteousness to it. And it is when God's character is violated. Like you you are not to be a friend of evil You're to be a friend with certain people who commit evil. Because part of that is Jesus sitting with tax collectors and sinners and engaging them for the sake of the gospel.

He does that. But you are not to give your yes to their evil, ever. If that makes your relationships awkward, that's again what it means to be part of the new way. O you who love the Lord, hate evil. He preserves the lives of his saints.

He delivers them from the hand of the wicked. The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance, evil way, and perverted speech I hate. Don't look at people who are prideful, who are arrogant, and who lie to you and say, they're awesome. It's not.

Hate the evil way. Through your precepts, I get understanding, therefore, I hate every false way.

So if I get If I get truth from this book, If I get truth from these precepts, Part and parcel with me getting truth is that I actually hate things that are evil. I despise them. I don't bring them in. And entertainment. I don't like them.

I don't bring them in in relationships. I don't bring them in in my speech at the workplace. Not inviting them in. Because I'm truth. I'm here, I'm a truth keeper.

This text, be angry and don't sin, is a quote from Psalm 4. But you got to see the context. Here's the rest of Psalm 44, where the quote is, Be angry, do not sin. Ponder in your own hearts on your beds. And be silent.

What we want to do is run to it and go, be angry and don't sin. See, I can be angry. Yeah, yeah, there is such a thing as righteous anger. It's true. It's very rare.

Instead, what you should do is hear the injunction: be angry and do not sin. And you should finish Psalm 4-4. You should realize that the best thing for you to do when you feel angry is to think deeply. Ms. Ponder your life.

Think about how, right in this moment, listen, I know all of you know exactly where I'm going. Right in this moment. You feel an emotion where you want to impute a motive to somebody. You're convinced that they're weaponized and they're trying to hurt you. Resist it.

Resist it. Love believes all things. No, that's naive. You can call it whatever you want, but it believes all things. You can try to use language to get around the text, but it believes all things.

That's your brother in Christ. That's your sister in Christ. You leave them innocent until they are proven guilty. Do not impute a motive. It's sin.

And all of a sudden, you feel like you've got the moral high ground and you are angry as can be and you are the sinner, my friend. Because you have imputed motives. You've stirred yourself up. Stop. Think.

When you think, do this, Lord, what's in my heart? What am I tempted to do right now? Keep me from it. Keep me from it. Here's what you're tempted to do: one of two things.

You're tempted to come back at them. Or you're tempted to be much slyer. This is how the crocodile shifts to the human who pretends to not be a killer. The sly move is you weaponize your silence. Oh, I remember Pastor Brian said, I should be quiet.

Yeah. Okay, don't see then. What's wrong? Nothing. I don't want to say anything.

lest my words should impugn me. This isn't A license. to hurt people. with passive aggressive silence. It's not.

Don't do that. Yeah. Don't do that. That's just another sin. Instead, really think the best about them.

Really think the best about him. Actually, a harder pill to swallow is what's said in Ecclesiastes, and maybe we'll talk about this in a couple of weeks, but where.

Solomon says, you know, you hear your servant cursing you. Just be careful. Don't get too worked up about it. Haven't you said bad things about people before? That's the Hurlbutt Revised Version, but it's something like that.

Just relax. I'll speak. Room six, you gotta keep short accounts. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. What does that mean?

Is it literal? Don't go to sleep. Don't let the sun go down.

Well, it's a good principle. But it's not like the Inuit are exempt from this verse. All of a sudden, if six months of the year, it's daylight in Greenland. They're like, you know what? It's anger time, baby.

I'm mad at you, and we will square this in April. All right.

They don't know. It's not that kind of thing at all. One commentator points that out. That's funny. Of course it's not literal.

It's a metaphor. And what's the metaphor saying? Don't hold on to it for a long time. Here's a household pet peeve of my wife's, and she's right, but it drives her nuts. Um We all have chores around the house that are our least favorite to do.

Okay? I've got mine, she's got his, uh hers. her least favorite. is to do the dishes. She does them all the time, but she doesn't like to do them.

I'm okay doing them. It's probably one of my more relaxing ones to do. We have a dishwasher. right next to our sink. She asks, Literally, the world's most reasonable request of all of us, and I'm going to indict myself at times in this, however, I have improved.

Okay.

But she says When you're done with a dish, can you just check the dishwasher? and make sh and see if it's empty. Or if the dishes in it are dirty. If they are, will you just put your dish, rinse it out, and put it in there rather than put it in the sink? It's a simple request.

Why? So it doesn't just pile up in the sink and there's this empty dishwasher, right? Everybody does their own thing, then no one has to go in and do the monumental thing because everybody takes care of their own. Mm-hmm. That's what it's like in a house relationally.

When you use a cup, and you set it down. If everybody who sets down a cup picks up their own cup and takes care of it. Everybody who sits down a napkin picks up their napkin and throws it out. Everybody who sets anything picks it up. After they're done with it, guess what happens?

You have to clean your house, but you're largely doing like vacuuming and deep cleaning and stuff like that. But the clutter never happens because everybody takes care of their own garbage. If your house is cluttered, what's the problem? The problem is there's a bunch of individuals who don't take care of their crap. That'll preach.

But that that's what's happening.

So all you gotta do is pick it up. Relationships are the same. I offend you. I offend you. Whose job is it to pick it up?

It's mine. It's mine. I said something. to hurt you. It's my job.

to pick it up. It's not to wait for you. Not to live in stalemate. I sense you have something wrong. toward me.

What's my job? Leave your gift, Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount at the altar, and go. to your brother or sister. My job is to keep the house, so to speak, of my relationships. Picked up.

Short accounts. I'm going to put something up on here, and it's not going to be up here for long. I've mentioned this before, but I developed five sort of steps in real time for you to sort of deal with anger and angry words. I just want to put them up for you. Five steps to deal with this.

Number one, you got to understand what's being said. We often misunderstand. I'll give you a real quick illustration of this, because it was a little tension point in conversation in my marriage with my wife for a long time. She's the oldest of six. I'm an only child.

And I and I'm I wasn't just kind of kidding when I said, you know, she definitely You know, she's all sick. She's taking care of kids at times. As an only child, yeah, I don't really I I'm Doing okay by myself.

Okay.

I don't need you telling what to do.

So we would go into a parking lot. This is how marriage goes. If you're not married, get ready. This is a real marriage. Ready?

In real marriage, you go in a parking lot and my wife would go, there's a spot.

Okay, like I actually park the car completely fine when you are not sitting in the passenger seat. I find parking spots. All bum a grown man's self. I actually don't need you. Tell me there's a stop.

You know why? Because he got two eyes. One of them doesn't work so well, but the other one, I catch those parking spots, I am on it like nobody's business.

So a few times I'm like, okay, she's showing me parts of my There's a there's a spot closer up there. I have a good idea, edgy. Iraqi getting ready to fight, you know, I need somebody to give me a massage. What's her deal, man? Point out the spot.

Finally, I'd go, and I would say to her, I'd go, I c I can find a spot. What are you so mad about? I just pointed at the Parkinson book. Why you got a point in a parking spot? You think I'm an idiot?

I don't think you're an idiot. I mean, I do now that you're talking to me that way. But... Why do you And this is and now we're down the road, because it's a real marriage.

Okay.

Here's what, in a moment, where we processed and actually talked about: why is this silly thing like sitting here? This is dumb. Why is it sitting there? Here's what we realized. In her mind, she literally is thinking, I just want to help him.

That's literally what she's thinking. And I'm thinking. You think I'm dumb? And now we're down the road. All we had to do was just understand.

I just had to go. Oh, she's, oh, wait a minute. Oh, I forgot. The Bible says she's my helper. Uh yeah, okay.

And if you're so ego-weak that now she points a parking spot out and it's mortally wounded your manhood, perhaps you should go to the dollar store and buy some security. Get over yourself. Just take it. But I had to understand. And I could reframe it.

So understand, ask questions. Assess it. What are the merits of the other's positions? What are they? Maybe there's more to it than you realize.

Maybe there's unhidden patterns, there's hidden patterns you don't even know are in your life. You don't even realize it. But they see it. They love it. Evaluate: Will my words that I'm about to say be productive?

Okay, if I say is this a good thing for me to say? What happened the last time I said it? Am I going to say it in the right way? Formulate it with knowledge of the other. You know them.

That's dangerous, by the way. Knowledge is power. If I asked you right now write down an insecurity weakness of your spouse or your child or your parents, you could do that lickety split. You can do it really fast.

So knowledge is power. Use your power for good. Use your power for good. Speak sweetly in ways that you know they'll receive it sweetly. And then communicate.

You're not proclaiming. What do you mean by that? This isn't about you saying your beef and then grandstanding in George Costanza. I'm out of here. And walking off.

This is about you making sure. that you were understood. Communication means two people. A speaker and a receptor. Make sure.

Right?

So good things. With your kids, they're good things. to think through. Final point. You must never give territory to the devil.

Look at verse 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. The text says the word opportunity is the Greek word tapas. Think of topography. The word means place. Territory.

Space. The devil wants the geography of your heart. Yeah. You know that? You feel it?

When you get emotionally upset, He's setting down flags. Your heart. He's going for you. If you don't see that. You're the low-hanging fruit.

Don't give place to him. Don't give place to him. How does anger give the devil territory? I'm gonna bullet point a few things. How does it happen?

How does it how how is this take place first uh It makes us vulnerable. Because when we're angry angry We're usually off balance. You know, when you age, What's the one thing? I mean there's a few things, but what's one thing that will accelerate and make aging a challenge? If you fall and break your hip.

Doctors will tell you.

So I'm a doctor, but not that kind of doctor. But I will tell you this if you're in here. late 30s and your 40s and your 50s. and you're working out. Practice balance.

Work on your core. Become a person who's balanced. As you age 60s, work on your balance. Think about your balance. It's really important.

Because there are consequences for when you're off balance. When you're off balance spiritually, The devil will come at you. He will destroy you. If an offensive lineman is off balance, he's done in football. You done, guys.

If a dancer is off balance, she's done. No more. Don't be off balance with your emotions. You're vulnerable. Anger does that.

It gets you off balance. It makes us vulnerable to find alternative outlets for frustration. This is how anger and addiction are related. Because anger makes you want to not be angry. or anger makes you want to be satisfied.

which means that you will run to the most familiar. most immediately gratifying coping mechanism you know of. And if you have a problem in an area that has like a vortex that catches you and spins you around and down and down and down. The devil pulls you into the vortex. You struggle with, I'll give you an illustration, you struggle with pornography.

Watch out for anger. Watch out for anger. If all your accountability with your buddies is all about pornography and none of it's about anger, be careful. Be careful. They're related.

Be careful of your outlets. Third, makes us vulnerable to speaking further words. or committing further actions. that only deepen the risks of anger that already created. This was where Jennifer and I early in our marriage were really bad.

Say something. Think about it and get more angry and say something else. Say something else. Say something in the groove. Like a pencil on a piece of paper going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

Just deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. for it's the default of the relationship. You gotta. Turn the thing upside down and Re-envision it to get it right. Notice the theme here, right?

Vulnerable? You see that? Makes you vulnerable. Makes us hypocrites in seeking God daily while we harbor resentment toward our brother or sister internally. Oh, you spend every day reading your Bible?

But you hate Your spouse. You're so angry with your adult child. Your parents You just wish they'd go away. But you're pursuing Jesus. You haven't put away falsehood and you're listening to the lies built on the lie.

You're a hypocrite. Finally, it debilitates our capacity to achieve righteous ends. I'm going to read you a quote, and I'm going to close our time in the word. It's from Dallas Willard. He wrote this 26 years ago.

You can only imagine how much it applies today. A leading social commentator now teaches that despair and rage are an essential element in the struggle for justice. You gotta be angry. If you want to get justice. He and others who teach this are sowing the wind, and they will reap the whirlwind, the tornado.

Indeed, we are reaping it now in a nation increasingly sick with rage and resentment of citizen toward citizen. And often the rage and resentment is upheld as justified in the name of God. And then he says this. And this is gold, friends. But there is nothing that can be done with anger.

that cannot be done better without it. Do you believe that? Do you really believe that there's nothing That can be done with anger that can't be done better. without it. And then this next sentence.

The sense of self-righteousness that comes with our anger. simply provokes more anger. and self-righteousness on the other side. That's our whole political and public environment today. I mean literally.

It's our spiritual lives today. It's our family life in so many ways. Friends. Take these seven things. Don't give the devil territory.

Ask yourself some crucial questions about your relationships. Think about what it means for you to walk in the new way. Think about what it means for you to be different with your words than you were when you came into this room and offer your lives to God. Let's pray. Lord, in the quiet we give ourselves to You.

We're too easily angered. We often think the worst of people. We weaponize our silence. We feel vindicated. Because we have a right to be angry.

We let our hurt take us over. God, I pray that you would forgive us. Quietness. Still us. Restrain us.

Renew us. We give you our tongues. We give you our emotions. We subject ourselves to you today. In Jesus' name.

Amen.