Kerwin Baptist Church Daily Broadcast

Welcome to the Kerwin Baptist Church broadcast today. Our desire is for the Word of God to be spread throughout the world so that all may know Christ. Join us now for a portion of one of our services here at Kerwin Baptist Church located in Kernersville, North Carolina. We're going to be speaking on the subject on marriage for these next few services. We started last week with God's design, the way God designed it.

This morning, we're going to be speaking on the subject of God-designed communication. If you have ever read any books on marriage, if you've ever been to any marriage counseling, if you've ever needed marriage counseling, there's one common theme that is always, always the problem. It's the man.

No, that's not what I mean. There is one theme that is always the problem, and it's communication. Men hate that word.

Women get frustrated with the word. But it is biblical, and we're going to deal with that this morning. Actually, we're going to deal with that this morning and tonight. It's a two-part message, I guess you would say, on communication and marriage. Now, let me say this right off the bat this morning. I know I'm doing what God's asked me to do, but the fear sometimes is that some people kind of turn you off if they think their marriage is great or if they're not married or something like that.

They say, well, I don't need this. Listen to me, dear friend. You need it, okay? And I know this is what God has asked me to do, and I believe here's why. We've been praying for revival. We've been dealing a lot with prayer. But I think sometimes that God can't do what He wants to do. And look at me.

I want you to get this. He really can't work at church the way He wants to. And that's because we as families haven't allowed Him to work in our homes. We're at each other. Our marriages are back and forth, or there's almost a nonexistent marriage. All these things which is against how God planned, and then we want to come into church, and then we want God to do something great. And we walk away saying, well, the preacher didn't have it today.

Well, nothing happened today. And yet what's going on at home oftentimes stops what God wants to do at church. And so I just know this is exactly what God's asked me to do. And some people say, well, bless God, Sunday morning, you ought to rip and snort and let her have it.

Dear friends, can I tell you that that gets old if it's every service? I've got to do what God has asked me to do. And this is very important. And you are not the only ones that need this.

I need this too. And in studying on marriage and different things through God's Word, it has helped me a lot. James 1, look at verse 19 and 20. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

Notice this. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. God here just gave us biblical communication. Three things. We should be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. Say, well, how does that equate to marriage?

What do you mean? Well, we're going to share that with you this morning. Before we pray, let me give you a question this morning. The real question is not whether or not we're going to have conflicts in our marriage. The real question is how are we going to settle them?

Because conflicts will come. Father, I pray that you would strengthen our church today by strengthening our marriages and our homes. Lord, I believe that's the steps that we must take. And Lord, help me to have and portray a heart of love as we share these things from your Word. Lord, there's so much to share, but Lord, I pray that you'd help us to do it in a fashion that would be easy to understand.

In your name we pray, amen. Professor H.W. Jurgen, who was a German sociologist, did a large study, and I thought this was very interesting. He claims that married couples chat with one another 70 minutes a day in their first year of marriage. This drops to 30 minutes a day in the second year, and then it drops to 15 minutes a day in the fourth year of marriage. His research showed that by the eighth year in the average marriage, a husband and wife typically share hardly any small talk and become nearly silent with only necessary communication.

Let me illustrate this way. Have you ever been out to eat and looked over and saw a couple that obviously it appeared as if they'd been married for a while? Have you ever just watched? I'm not trying to jump on anybody's feet here because I'm sure it happens to us too, but average time is they're just kind of sitting looking.

Am I right? Okay. I'm not trying to. It happens to me too.

Now I know if any of you ever see me out to eat, you're going to be watching. You ain't talking to Julie either. I know. But you know why? Oftentimes there's just no communication. The fun of being with each other and the excitement of being with each other and that communication, that small talk, just not going on.

And here's the problem, everybody needs that whether they admit it or not. And so what we'll often do is we'll find that in somebody else when God designed that that should go on between the husband and the wife. That communication. Let me give you as this passage teaches us three points this morning. And I want you to listen real closely if you can. Number one, you say, how can I handle conflicts in my relationship?

How can I communicate through these things? Number one, tune in. Tune in. The Bible says that we should be swift to hear, quick to listen. Unfortunately in marriage we are often quick to argue. And we are quick to give our point. But God here says that the way we're to handle conflicts is to be swift to hear. Oftentimes we jump to conclusions before we've listened to anything. We want to make sure that we are heard but yet we don't seem to take time to hear what the other person has to say. Listen to me this morning, when we listen we encourage the other person to talk. Did you know that? Oftentimes a woman will say, you know I've done some marriage counseling, I'm sure not near as much as Brother Joe but I've done quite a bit of it.

Especially the past three or four years. And oftentimes a wife will say, well he just doesn't talk to me. And after that marriage counseling session I know why.

He hadn't had the chance. And what I've often seen is she really doesn't even want to know what he has to say. She's just mad that he won't talk. But she doesn't want to hear it anyway.

And I've heard the same vice versa too. You see when you and I, when we have a pattern of listening, when our mate and our partner sees that we're willing to listen and that we're swift to listen and we want to hear what they have to say, that will in time encourage them to talk to you. It will encourage them to communicate with you.

Listen to me. Second, when we listen it helps us to understand the other person. See a lot of times we see things only through our eyes and our mind and we just don't understand how anybody could feel any different way than I feel. And you never will if you don't hear what the other person thinks or says or how they see it. But oftentimes if we will listen to the other person it helps us to understand them. It helps us to understand why they're thinking what they're thinking.

And by the way, when God gives us command, this is not just in marriage, this is in life. We've got to be swift to hear. By the way, folks, don't take everything you hear as face value. When there are individuals in a church that have a conflict, you better be careful to listen to one side. You better hear everything. You better not jump to a conclusion.

You better hear. Let me give you reasons why many of us don't listen in our marriages. Number one, we're defensive. We're defensive. A lot of times if we just feel there's a conflict we feel like we've been attacked and we get defensive. And we start automatically trying to defend ourselves and give our point and all these things and the reason is we're defensive.

And dear friend, if you're going to have a close marriage and we're going to have a marriage that communicates, we're going to have to drop that. You're going to have to be willing and open even if it hurts to hear what the other person has to say. Second, not only sometimes are we defensive, but second, we assume we already know what they're going to say.

So we don't give them the chance to say it. And by the way, this is arrogant and I suffer from this. I'm just going to be open and honest with you. I suffer with this sometimes with my wife. I think sometimes I know her so well, I know exactly what she's going to say. And you know what, many times I'm right, I know exactly what she's going to say. But the problem is there are numerous times where she's not going to say what I think she's going to say. And she's not thinking what I think she's thinking.

She's thinking and saying something totally different. And dear friend, a lot of times you and I don't listen because we think, oh, I already know what they're going to say. No, open our ears, close our mouth and listen to what they have to say.

If I'm right, say amen. Third thing is this, oftentimes we don't listen because we're thinking about what we're going to say next. Us men are bad about this. Yeah, did somebody say, uh-oh, is that a baby? See, the Bible says in the mouth of babes is wisdom.

Uh-oh. You know, oftentimes when you're talking with your mate, you're not even listening to what they're saying. While they're saying it, you're automatically rehearsing and getting in line what you're going to say next.

It's like it's chess match. And dear friend, listen to me, God says this, that if you're going to handle a conflict and you're going to stop this thing and you're going to keep unity, not only in a church, but in a marriage, you have to be swift to hear. Well, how do we listen?

Number one, by observation. That means this, you listen not merely with your ears, but you listen with your eyes. And all the ladies in the church said, us men like to look at the football game while you're talking. Sweetie, we need to talk.

Okay. And then they say, did you hear what I said? Yeah, I heard you. Men, look at me. This is, this is not listening. This is listening. Looking at them. Eye to eye.

Listening to what they have to say. If you're like me, but they pick the worst times. All the men said. Yeah, yeah. You're afraid to, aren't you? Yeah, a bunch of hen peck sissies out there.

Oh, yeah, whatever. You'll come home, you've been at work, man, you finally get in that recliner, get that remote, man, you've been working all day, that's when she wants to talk. You'll sit in a car, drive 30 minutes, she won't say a word.

You'll get in front and finally have a ball game to watch, then she wants to talk. You know what the Bible says? It doesn't say be swift to hear when it's convenient. It says swift to hear. That's communication. You have to listen with observation.

That's with your eyes, not just your second. You have to listen with concentration. That's how we communicate. With concentration. That means you have to focus on what the other person is saying. Today, something, man, you and I are very good at looking, listening, and nothing's going on.

We're just zoned out. Have any of you ever watched a TV show called Duck Dynasty? Any of you ever watched that?

If you haven't, you need to. Everybody needs a little redneck influence in their life. There's this one guy on there, he's talking about shows his wife and him talking on a boat, and she's just talking 100 miles an hour, and he's just driving the boat. And in the interview, he says, I've just learned over the years, man, I can zone her out. I'm like, buddy, you just said that on TV of all things. He said, I just got to where I can just, everyone's like, yeah, uh-huh. And he said, I can just zone out. And she just, you know, listen to me, fellas, that's funny, but you and I have to zone in, not zone out. You and I have to concentrate on what they're saying. You say, yeah, preacher, you go ahead.

Yeah, let me tell you something. Why did you come to my office when she's left you? Why did you come to my office when she found somebody that would listen to her at work? Folks, listen, I am telling you what is biblical, and we need to listen. Our marriages are ending left and right.

And it's because we're not doing what the Bible simply says to do. Third, we have to listen with observation, not only by concentration, but third, we have to listen with consideration. That means this, you have to think about the meaning behind the words that are said without jumping to a conclusion. Oftentimes, wives will come and say, I can't talk to my husband. It's not that he won't listen to me, but as soon as I tell him how I feel, he just jumps into a tirade and says, why are you saying that? That's not fair, and all these things.

Listen to me, fellas, a wife has to be able to say what she feels without any reaction. It has to be consideration. What does it mean, consideration? It means that another person, look at me, everybody, men and women, other people are entitled to have their own opinion.

Did you know that? Last, by clarification. That means this, you've got to think it through until you both get it straight. That means when something is said and you don't fully understand, talk about it, clarify it. Make sure men, make sure women that you understand what your husband or what your wife is trying to tell you. I have men often times say, well she tells me, but man I just can't put it all together.

It just, it rambles, it just doesn't. You know us men we are kind of black and white and we are going to talk about that. Next Sunday we are speaking on God designed a difference.

And men or women are different chemically, physically, emotionally. We are going to go into all that next week. You need to be here because it's very informative and it's funny too.

You need to be here next week. But I want you to get this is that often times we as men when they say it we don't really get it, but we say we get it and then two weeks later we make the same mistake and the wife says I've told you that before and we say no you didn't. Well yes she did. We just didn't understand it and we went on without making sure we understand. Men you are going to get in trouble if you don't make sure you understand what she is saying or what she is trying to say.

I have found sometimes women will say one thing and they mean something totally different and there is no way anybody could have interpreted that but you better. If you know what's good for you. Number one tune in. Number two tone down. Bible says that we should be swift to hear. Secondly what?

Slow to speak. Let me read you some verses this morning. Of course verse 19 obviously you can't get any clearer than that in James but let me read you some verses. Proverbs chapter 10 verse 19 listen to me as I read them. A multitude of words there wanteth not sin but he that refraineth his lips is wise. Proverbs 17 says he that hath knowledge spareth his words. Proverbs 21-23 who so keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.

Wow! You don't want that bump from the frying pan? Keep your mouth shut. Ecclesiastes 5 verse 2 I want you to listen to this. Be not rash with thy mouth let not thine heart be hasty to utter words. Listen to this. Be not rash with thy mouth let not thine heart be hasty to utter anything before God for God is in heaven and now upon earth therefore let thy words be few for a dream cometh through the multitude of business and a fool's voice is known by a multitude of words.

Did you get that? A fool's voice is known by a multitude of words. You want to find a fool?

Find somebody that just can't shut their mouth. You say that preachers mean it Kerwin. No I'm not I'm just telling you the Bible. You know as husbands and wives there's some destructive games we play.

And I want to give them to you this morning. Number one it's like what I would call we become the judge. I want you to pay attention I want you to listen to this. We become the judge. What does that mean? That means we act and we blame our mate. Often times when it comes to communication between a husband and wife one or the other becomes the judge.

We blame them this is all your fault. It's as if that you're passing the sentence. It's as if that everything is according to you. It's as if you have the power to pass a sentence over everybody in the marriage. We become the judge. Second sometimes we become the professor. And that means this we act superior we act as if we know more than they know. And even when they're trying to tell us their feelings we have this look on our faces if yeah I know you're talking but you don't understand. Any of you ever experience that? When you're trying to tell somebody they say they want to hear and you're trying to talk to them and you can tell by their look that they think they know more than you.

And already while you're talking you can just feel that they just think they're so much smarter. Number three we become the psychologist. And that means that we assume that we understand everything before the other person does and we analyze them we tell them why they have all these problems and we let them know this is why you be this way that's why you're this way sweetheart. This is why you're this way wife. This is why you're this way husband.

Let me tell you why. It's as if we become the psychologist. Fourth we become the historian. We keep record. We bring up everything when it's convenient for us.

It's amazing how we can bring up things from years ago when it's in our favor but the other things that are in their favor we can't remember for the life of us. Fifth we become the dictator. That means we want to rule. We want to show that we're in charge. We automatically assume yeah that's what men do.

Hold on. That's what women do a lot too. They want to let the husband everybody know the house who's in charge who's in control. Let me tell you something I'll call the shots around here.

Now they won't say that publicly but that's exactly the way it is. Sixth we become the critic. We compare our mate with other people. We begin to critique well you're not a good husband like so and so is with his wife. So and so got her this. So and so got her that. So and so provided her with this. Then you men are like well so and so's wife she cooked this and she did this.

You know what she does for him every day. You know this and we become the critic. And what we're doing is instead of edifying and by the way the Bible says that we are not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together. Not just to be together for the use of edifying. Edification. We're here to learn.

We're here to grow. And often times when we get with each other as husband and wife we're supposed to build each other up. But what we do is we tear each other down thinking that will build the other person.

And it won't. When you tear somebody down it stays that way. Last we become the preacher. We act holier than thou. And boy I've seen people do this.

I've seen them do it in my office. It's like all of a sudden somebody that is as carnal as they get. All of a sudden you start having marriage problems and boy they'll act like they're just the most spiritual person this side of heaven.

Let me tell you something friends that's nothing but hypocrisy. Can I tell you as your mate when it comes to your marriage you better not be the judge. You better not be the professor. You better not be the psychiatrist. You better not be the historian. You better not be the dictator. You better not be the critic. You better not be the preacher. You ought to just be quick to listen. Slow to speak.

It's early this morning not only should we tune in tone down but third we need to lighten up. Bible says slow to wrath. You know the Bible it's amazing. Ephesians 4 26 let me read this to you. You know the verse. Be ye angry and sin not.

Let not the sun go down upon your wrath. You know that verse does not say not to be angry. That verse says be angry and sin not. The verse never says it's a sin to be angry. It just says be angry and sin not. Well, how can you be angry and not sin? Well, it's very easy.

Number one. You have to be angry for the right reasons. That means this you're only angry at the sin not the person. Why do you think Jesus when he turned over the tables and the money changers? Look at me. Jesus when he showed his anger had the right reason to be angry.

They had perverted the use of the temple. Look at me dear friends. It's not wrong to be angry when we are angry at the right things. When we're angry for the right reasons. It's not wrong.

Second you got to be angry at the right things. Not the sinner but the sin. Often times you know what? Let me tell you the mistake and people sometimes think you know Christians they use that term lightly but Christians are just a bunch of crazies. You know why? Because so-called Christians have bombed abortion clinics and different things.

Look at me. That's wrong. You know why? Because we're mad at the sin of abortion but we don't go kill innocent people because of it.

You got it? So it's not wrong to be angry at abortion because that's against the Bible. What's wrong is if we let that anger cause us to do something that's not right.

So we can be angry and sin not. Third thing is this you got to be angry in the right way. That means this our anger should move us to do something right about the situation not wrong. You know what if you're angry about abortion don't go blow up a bunch of clinics.

That's obviously ridiculous. It's wrong. That's against the Bible as much as abortion is. But if you're angry about it get out and do something about it. Get out and help at a crisis pregnancy center.

Get out volunteer educate some young pregnant women about the dangers and what the Bible has to say. Then do something right about it. That's how we can be angry and not sin. You know what that's what marriage is all about. We've got to be slow to be angry. If there's problems in our marriage we can't take it out on our wife and we can't take it out on our husband.

It ought to move us to do something right about it not something wrong about it. One of the stories told of a little boy sitting on his front steps with his face cradled in his hands looking horribly depressed. His dad came home and saw him and he asked him what was wrong. The little boy looked up and said well just between us dad I'm having trouble getting along with your wife too.

One of the biggest problems in marriage is just getting along. God handles this one with this slow to wrath. It means it ought to take a lot to get you upset.

Sometimes it doesn't take much does it? Let me give you a couple things this morning were not far from being done but if you have an uncontrolled temper. Number one the Bible says that that means you are very foolish. Ecclesiastes 7 9 says be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry for anger resteth in the bosom of fools. If you have an uncontrolled temper it means you're foolish. Number two the Bible says that means you're very weak in character. Proverbs 16 32 he that is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh the city. Proverbs 29 22 an angry man stirreth up strife and a furious man aboundeth in transgression. Dear friend you and I have got to realize and we ought to be humbled enough to the point that we would be willing to admit that I have not been treating my husband or my wife right that I have been out bursting and screaming and hollering and losing my temper and you know what instead of trying to argue the point of why you lost your temper and instead of trying to be the critic and the professor and the psychiatrist and trying to throw the blame of you losing your temper on your mate let's humble ourselves enough to know I've got a problem and I've got to fix it. With God's help I can get victory over this.

The Bible says slow to wrath. Can I give you some advice this morning? When you have a disagreement I want to give you three things this is free alright the rest you owe me but this is free.

When you have a disagreement number one have it at the right time. Have it at the right time. Don't do it before a meal. Don't do it before a social event. Don't do it on the way to church.

We've all heard that haven't we? Man you fight like a cat and dog. Pull in the parking lot. Come out. Hey! Brother sister in Christ.

How are you? Kiss the wife before she goes to Sunday school. Yeah. And those kids are sitting in the seat like what? You know dad just slapped mom she just poked him in the eyes and now they're hugging and kissing in the foyer.

Kids know what's really happening don't they? Number one have it at the right time. Number two if you have a disagreement have it in the right tone. Keep words soft and sweet because you might have to eat them.

Look at me I've talked about this before but this is just free advice. There is a certain level of volume in a person's voice when you are a husband or wife and you get above that that person no longer is listening to what you're saying. They're listening to how you said it. And you are doing no good. Because even if you're making a good point you're not going to make that point because you're screaming.

Because you're hollering. Thank you for listening today. We hope you received a blessing from our broadcast. The Kerwin Baptist Church is located at 4520 Old Hollow Road in Kernersville, North Carolina. You may also contact us by phone at 336-993-5192 or via the web at kerwinbaptistchurch.com. Enjoy our services live and all our media on our website and church app. Thank you for listening to the Kerwin broadcast today. God bless you.