Practical Advice on Making a Marriage Stick, Part 2

Today on Insight for Living... Every time we open our mouths, we either build up or tear down.

We either affirm or we assault. You know what's kind of broken my heart? We talk nicer to each other at church than we do to our own partners.

That's sad. Let's grieve the heart of God. Watch your words.

Watch home. The forces that work against a marriage and the disciplines that guard us. Let's pick up our study in Ephesians chapter 4. Chuck titled his message, Practical Advice on Making a Marriage Stick.

I'd like to draw five principles that are all practical advice for keeping a marriage together, making it stick. The first one is in verse 25. Therefore, as he sums it up, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, if you will allow me, with his married partner.

For we are members of one another. Eugene Peterson paraphrases the first part of verse 25, no more lies, no more pretense, tell the truth. Lying wears many faces, from mild to extreme forms of deception. Diplomatic hedging, stretching the facts, not telling the whole story. Staying silent when we should speak. Flattery, telling another what he or she wants to hear rather than what he or she needs to hear.

Very common in marriages. Trying to look better with the other than we really are. Hiding our fears, our real feelings. Not telling the truth about our motives. Or if we're on the phone about our whereabouts. We hedge or we do until we stop the lying. I like the way John R.W.

Stott renders this. Fellowship is built on trust and trust is built on truth. Change the word fellowship to marriage, it fits. Marriage is built on trust and trust is built on truth. There's a second in verses 26 and 27.

Let me read it slowly. Be angry, yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity.

One man renders this, go ahead and be angry but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. Don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.

Don't give the devil that kind of foothold. Cynthia and I are learning over these years, and here's the point, to express our anger in appropriate ways and at the right time. We're learning to express our anger in appropriate ways and at the right time. Please notice I did not say we are learning never to be angry. Scripture says I'm supposed to be angry. Isn't that what the command reads, be angry? I mean, when's the last time you've obeyed God and got angry? You say, well, I thought all anger is wrong. See, I was raised to think like that. So for 10 years, I'd put her down every time anger appeared.

I didn't know what I was talking about. I was raised wrong. All anger is not bad. There is a righteous indignation. If it does not anger you when you read about someone who molests a child, there's something wrong with your thinking.

If it doesn't make you angry when you see unfairness and inequity, inequity occur in our society, something's wrong with your scale of values. And when wrong is happening in a marriage, there's something strange about just smiling at all rather than addressing it the right way, the right time. If all anger were wrong, then Ephesians 5 and verse 6 would be a tough nut to crack. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God, there's anger, comes upon the sons of disobedience. If all anger were wrong, God's wrong to be angry toward the sons of disobedience.

And the Psalms are full of that kind of writing. The point is he's not tolerant. He's not passive. He's not apathetic. And there are times when that needs to be true in our lives, but it needs to be expressed appropriately and at the right time.

It's a matter of respect. I've learned that if I really have the kind of respect of my mate that I need, I will give her room and she will give me room to express angry feelings. She has a real good comment that I've learned from her. She says, we should never go to bed angry because when we do, it's like wet cement. And during the night, it gets hard. You experience that.

Don't answer out loud. It's a great habit to form that you not let the sun go down on your wrath. That means you sit up until the conflict is resolved. If you talk till three thirty four in the morning, you will agree to anything by then.

It's amazing what that does. We're not going to sleep. We're not going to bed back to back. We are not going to let that fester. How many marriages are a study in festering anger?

Some of you are very angry about something that has never been expressed. The problem then is that you sort of save stamps. You know, remember when you used to save green stamps and you'd put one in every once in a while and you get your book finished and you'd go redeem the book? That happens when you're out front honking for your wife to come on and get in the car. And all of a sudden she arrives and it's boom. It's all over the car.

She's redeemed her book that she has been saving the stamps in all this time. We're learning not to let that build up. We are learning to express it appropriately.

I like the way Harold Honer renders, handles this. Paul does not want believers to give the devil an opportunity by their anger. The devil twists and distorts the truth. If there is no quick restoration between parties, further anger mounts and dissension and revenge often result. It's a heartbreak to see couples at each other's throat because of unresolved anger.

Let it out at the right time in the right way. There's a third in verse 28. This is going to shock you. We have learned to stop stealing from each other.

I can imagine the lunch talk after this message today. Our pastor and his wife used to be thieves. Well, it's true. Look at verse 28. He who steals must steal no longer, but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good so that he will have something to share with one who has need. Now, the context of this obviously is in the realm of the real world, not limited to marriage. But I'm going to apply it to marriage. This is obviously in a society where people steal. Paul is telling the reader to stop stealing.

And one of the ways to learn to stop stealing is to do hard labor, either your own work or work in prison, so that you pay a price until you learn the value of honoring others and what is rightfully theirs. Now, what do I mean about a marriage that steals from each other? Well, there's more to marriage than material possessions. There's time. There's trust. There are promises.

There are expectations. I steal from my partner, and I have done this on a number of occasions. When I steal time, I promised her. And I let something else encroach on that time, and I give precedence to that rather than to my promise. I steal from her when I take a sacred trust, which is a secret she may have shared with me, and I announce it or I use it sometime against her. I steal from her when I take secrets that are known only between her and me, and I get miles out of them to make myself look good. She could do the same. Partners can steal from each other in the way they spend money.

I know a couple. Their marriage did not last, but he was a man given to a whole lot of golf. He was sort of addicted to the golf course, and he spent a ton of dough going to the golf. He was also tight-fisted and threw a fit when she would go over the budget at the grocery store. And she finally decided to solve this problem by saying to him, you know what, I'm going to start keeping track with all the money you spend at the golf course, and I'm going to spend it at Nordstrom's. So you can spend it on golf, and I will spend the same amount. It's amazing what that did to curb his golf game, you know. The matter of fact is it did not solve the marriage breakdown.

She found her partner was stealing from her. Cynthia and I have observed that unless we write down appointments, we won't keep them with each other. So we write them into our calendars.

Otherwise, I'll forget that I said this evening will be ours and nobody else's. There will be something else that will take its place. So we're learning not to steal from each other. Look at verse 29. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification. It means for building up according to the need of the moment so that it will give grace to those who hear. Talk about a great verse to go by our telephone. Wouldn't that be a great verse to put right there? Cynthia happens to have this verse out of the Amplified Bible sitting at the top of her computer screen.

And sitting there for her to read every time she's ready to do an email are these words. Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word, nor unwholesome or worthless talk ever come out of your mouth. But only such speech as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need of the occasion that it may be a blessing and give grace, God's favor, to those who hear it. I just read it this week. There it sits.

The principle is this. We're learning over the years to be very careful with our words. Not only the words themselves, but the tone of our words. The tongue is the most powerful enemy in your home. With it you can slice and dice, you can rip apart, you can murder, you can assault and never bring blood. You can cause the explosion so that the shrapnel stays in the brain in the form of words that are unwholesome. Washington Irving put it very well.

The tongue is the only tool that grows sharper with constant use. We're given no wobble room here. Look at the word no unwholesome word. The Greek sentence is a little awkward, but it drives home the point. Every word corrupt out of your mouth, let it not proceed.

Isn't that good? Every word corrupt out of your mouth, let it not proceed. The word unwholesome is a little mild in English. The Greek term used refers to rotting wood or rotten vegetables or rotten fruit or rancid fish.

It's used for that in extra biblical literature. Vivid enough, we have the word putrid. Stinking is another word. In fact, the term is used for wilting and foul-smelling flowers.

It's also a term that could refer to profanity. Years ago, when I was a kid, we used to put shrimp in newlyweds' hubcaps on their car. Down in Houston, you get a lot of shrimp and it's always fun to, while they're in there having a lot of fun at the going away party, you're out there shoving these shrimp in the hubcaps.

And after about three or four days of the Houston heat, hey, it's fun, man. You've got slimy junk coming out on the wheels and the bride's moving farther and farther away from the groom running what's wrong. What happened?

Well, the shrimp got putrid and rotten. That's words that are inappropriate that can come out of your mouth. Every time we open our mouths, we either build up or tear down. We either affirm or we assault.

It's just that simple. You know what's kind of broken my heart? We talk nicer to each other at church than we do to our own partners.

People are much sweeter to me than they ever are to their husbands or their wives. How sad. You must grieve the heart of God. In fact, he says, don't grieve the Holy Spirit of God. Watch your words. Watch your tone.

Guard that. Fifth and finally is found in verses 31 and 32. Let all, there's a word again, bitterness and wrath. And here's the wrong kind of anger and clamor and slander be put away from you. We started by laying aside falsehood. Now we're at the end, putting away these things and be kind to one another.

I like the way my sister renders this. Just be nice. Wouldn't it be a nice change?

Don't answer out loud. Wouldn't it be a nice change just to be treated nice? The principle is this. We are learning to demonstrate grace and continually forgive one another. We're learning to demonstrate grace and to keep on forgiving each other.

Why? Because we keep on failing. We are not by nature gracious. It was said, I love this quote. It was said of Alexander White, the pastor, the Scottish pastor and author known for his kindness. All of his geese became swans.

Isn't that a nice touch? What is your wife becoming because of you? What is your husband becoming because of you? I got up real early this morning and earlier than I should have gotten up and I wanted Cynthia to get up with me. She wanted to sleep a little later than four thirty. And so I was banging stuff around and fixing, fixing the coffee and, you know, turn the clock where it would chime. She's pulled the covers up and I'm jerking on the covers. And so we have a few words together. So on my Bible, when I got to the second service, I found a little note to my beloved husband. I knew then I was in trouble with just the beloved husband part. In response to the cute little veiled threats you tossed my way this morning before my eyes were even open, I would like to suggest now when you read that it's going to be bad. I would like to suggest that you not say anything which would result in my having to demand equal time.

Don't applaud that. And it's always signed your loving wife, isn't it? You know, a little little note that that's adorable and I'll keep that. Sometime you you can write just a little note.

That's kind of the day. I just got a rush of affection for her and I pulled off a post-it, you know, don't want to spend too much. Pulled off a post-it and I wrote the three words, I love you.

And I stuck it on the mirror. I used to do that, but we had teenagers. Oh, man, don't do that when you got teenagers. Oh, dad. You know, so now that they're gone, I can write whatever I want to, you know. So I wrote I wrote I love you. And I thought, you know, she'll probably after the way I've treated her, she'll probably go. Yeah, right. But to my surprise, last evening, we took a drive in her car and she had transferred the little note to her dashboard. And she could read it there.

The only reason I tell you that is to say you just don't know what a note means. You just don't know what those gush moments when you just feel a surge of affection can mean to your partner dying for affirmation. I close with the words of a surgeon. His name is Richard Selzer, M.D., from his book, Mortal Lessons. Notes of the art of surgery.

These are his words. I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face post-operative. Her mouth twisted in palsy.

Clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth has been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh. I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek.

I had to cut the little nerve. Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamp light. Isolated from me. Private.

Who are they? I ask. He and this wry mouth I have made. Who gaze at and touch each other so generously and greedily. The young woman speaks, will my mouth always be like this?

Yes, I say it will. It's because the nerve was cut. She nods and is silent. The young man smiles. He says, I like it. It's kind of cute.

All at once I know who he is. I understand and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth and eyes so close. I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers.

To show her that their kiss still works. I remember that the gods appeared in ancient Greece as mortals and I hold my breath and let the wonder in. And we bow together. Time is so short. Before you know it, you'll be burying him or her. Before you know it, life will have passed. Before you know it, you'll remember a hundred things you will wish you would have written or said.

And it'll be too late. Work at it now, fellow struggler. Stay at it. These are principles that will give new life to a marriage gasping for oxygen.

Try them, you'll see. Now, Father, we hail your name because you are the one who originated all of this. You brought us together with our partners. Forgive us for working so stupidly to push each other apart. Do serious work of surgery in our lives in areas that need to be addressed.

Start with me. Thank you for him who was able to guard us from stumbling and to present us faultless, faultless. For the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, even Jesus.

In whose name we pray and everyone said, Amen. It's been many years since we've addressed marriage and the family on this broadcast. And we know many in our listening family are prepared to make the most of this study.

The series is called Marriage from Surviving to Thriving. And to learn more about this ministry, visit us online at insightworld.org. In addition to this daily program on radio, each of the messages you hear on Insight for Living is complemented by an interactive online lesson. We call them Searching the Scriptures. The study notes are absolutely free.

You can even print out the PDF files and share them with your friends. Pastors and professors have used these studies to help them prepare outlines for their sermons as well. So again, to study with Chuck Swindoll, be sure to take advantage of this creative resource called Searching the Scriptures.

To access these documents, go to insight.org slash studies. And then finally, as a complement to your worship experience in your local church this coming Sunday. Remember, you can also celebrate with Chuck Swindoll by viewing the worship service at insight.org slash Sundays. This not only includes Chuck's full length sermon, but the sacred music and congregational singing as well.

One of our viewers in Sacramento, California, wrote, Chuck, because of illness, I've been unable to attend church. And when the pandemic hit, the live stream of your worship service has given me a church home. I love the full orchestra music, the fact that you sing hymns and have a full choir. And during the sermon, I even stand with the congregation when you read the scriptures. Thank you, Pastor Chuck. Thank you for reminding me that Jesus is Lord, Christ is King, and God is in ultimate control. Well, we'd love to have you join us Sunday morning, too. You'll find all the instructions for video streaming the weekly worship service at insight.org slash Sundays. Join us again Monday when Chuck Swindoll describes what he calls essential glue for every couple to apply. That's Monday on Insight for Living. The preceding message, practical advice on making a marriage stick, was copyrighted in 2004 and 2006, and the sound recording was copyrighted in 2006 by Charles R Swindoll, Inc. All rights are reserved worldwide. Duplication of copyrighted material for commercial use is strictly prohibited.