Confronting Conflict - Part 2

Welcome to the In Touch Podcast with Charles Stanley for Tuesday, October twenty-fifth. If you're looking for constructive solutions to difficult situations, stay with us to learn how you can respond to disagreements in a godly way.

When you're facing conflict, how do you feel? All of us have it. We have had it. We are having it.

We're going to have it. Because that's the society we live in. It's the life we live around us. And when conflicts come, they come for different reasons. Sometimes it's a purely a misunderstanding. Sometimes it's rebellion against authority. Sometimes it's conflict because there are personality clashes.

The issue is not how do I get rid of it, but how do I respond to it? Because the way I respond to it is either going to determine whether I grow in the relationship or I do not. Now, conflict will always be there because it's the society in which we live. And we all have that old fallen nature. And God is dealing with all of us on some level or the other. And we have to face conflict. So, how do we deal with it?

So, I want you to jot these down in the first one. And that is to ask the Holy Spirit to give you a discerning spirit, a discernment of what's happening. That is, when there's conflict, what's happening? What's the source of this? Is someone jealous? Is someone angered me for something? That is, what is the real source of this? What's happening here?

Is this something that's intentional or is it not intentional? And so, to ask the Holy Spirit. And there have been times when I have had conflict with someone. And practicing what I'm going to show you in a moment, very quickly I could discern what was going on in that person's life. What was going on in their life was with someone else.

But it's amazing how you can project on other people. So, you have to ask yourself the question, what's going on here? And sometimes a husband comes home and he's a little haughty and not sensitive at all and hmm, hmm, hmm, and just murmuring about this, that and the other. And if a wife just responds to that, then we have a fire.

But if she is able to get out of him, what happened today? In other words, you don't ask that question. But anyway, you find out what's motivating the other person. Sometimes it's nothing you did.

Sometimes it is. But the question is, ask the Holy Spirit to give you understanding really and truly what's happening and what, if it's intended or not intended. The second one is this.

And this is, listen carefully, this is an awesome key. Maintain a quiet spirit. When we're attacked, what is our first normal reaction?

Defend ourselves. But maintain a quiet spirit. And that's not always easy to do.

And I'll give you an example. In my own life, I was, when I was president of the convention and we had a peace committee and I was part of the peace committee at that particular point while I was president. And so, there were twenty people sitting around this combination of tables in a big square.

And so, a particular group of men came in and gave their reports to the peace committee. And so, I was sitting here and this man came in that I knew really well because he'd been a pastor. Now, he was a president of an institution. And he launched into me this awesome attack. Now, I'm just sitting here.

But it's something that had been brewing in his life since he'd been a pastor in this very city years ago. He launched into this brutal, caustic attack upon me. And I'm just sitting there listening to all that.

And for fifteen minutes, it was this tirade. And I didn't say anything, I didn't have to say anything because he absolutely destroyed himself in fifteen minutes. I never said a word. But one of my pastor friends who is in heaven now, he said, Charlie, that's what he called me, he said, I would never play poker with you. I said, well, I don't play poker. He said, I have never seen such a total unmovable face or expression for fifteen minutes, you never budged.

I would never play poker with you. Do you know why I never budged? Because I knew the source of it. The source of it for him was jealousy. And I knew it. And I want to say to you, listen, by remaining quiet, this man was self-destructed because he finally got fired and so forth.

Oftentimes, we want to defend ourselves. Listen, listen carefully. Even if you're wrong, maintain a quiet spirit.

It's powerful. Remember how often in the Scripture that Jesus was quiet about something? Well, what do you think we ought to do?

He's very quiet. It's a powerful response to conflict. The third thing is this, and that is to make no attempt to defend yourself, either immediately or sometimes not at all. Make no attempt to defend yourself. In other words, first of all, if somebody's attacking you, then I hear your defense. You're just speaking in the air because they've already made up their mind what they think about you. If there is a time and a wise time to make a defense, then you want to do that when the other person is quiet and listening, not when they are tearing you apart for some reason.

Sometimes they don't even know what the reason is. Then, of course, ask the Holy Spirit to put a seal upon your lips. Now, I want you to turn, if you will, to Psalm one forty-one. Turn there for just a moment and I want you to notice this very clear Scripture.

And David certainly knew what this was all about as we gave an illustration a few moments ago about what he said to his brother. Listen to Psalm one forty-one verse three. Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth. Keep watch over the door of my lips. Very important that we are able to be quiet and ask the Lord to guard what we say. And if we ask the Lord to put a seal upon our lips, and there are many times I've had to say that, but a seal upon my lips, a guard. And I can remember on one occasion when I was facing a whole group of editors and news people and so forth, and they were doing their best to trick me in every possible way to say the wrong thing.

And what I did is I made myself a four by six card and folded it and I wrote on it in big letters, pause before speaking. Because I knew that I needed to be quiet and to listen and to think carefully before I responded. And the same thing is true when you're dealing with one person in conflict. And that is, you don't want to blare back. You don't want to jump back and defend yourself because they're not listening and it never works that way.

And so, one of the things they tried to trick me with, and when I said, when I looked at that pause, it gave me enough moments to think. And they'd ask me, for example, well, suppose you don't win this election. Then what? I said, well, I can't lose. What do you mean you can't lose? I said, well, I can't lose because if I win the election, I win.

If I lose the election, I still win because I'm just obeying God. Quietness, silence. And that's why we have to ask God to put a seal upon our lips and a guard upon our mouth. And you remember what He said, for example, in Luke chapter twelve, verse twelve? He said, the Holy Spirit will teach you in the same hour what you ought to say. And if we can just hold on to that point of not responding quickly, being quiet while the other person's talking or accusing us, whatever's going on, if you can just get past that and don't blare back and just remember God put a seal upon my lips and show me exactly what to say, He'll show you what to say. Sometimes He doesn't want you to say anything.

Just be quiet and listen. Then, of course, this is very important. And it's hard to do, but it's important. View the conflict as coming from God. You say, well, if you know the conflict that's going on in my life, you wouldn't say that's from God. I didn't say it was from God. I said, view it as coming from God. And I learned that in a very difficult situation of conflict.

And that is, what was going on was so overwhelming to me at that time. I'd get in the prayer room and tell God what I thought about what was happening. And one day I remember, it's like the Lord said, you've got to see this as coming from Me.

And I did exactly what anybody else would do. I'd say, well, Lord, how could this be coming from You? This is so ungodly. It's like God said, view it as coming from Me for this reason. If you view this as coming from Me, you will not be angry, you will not be critical, you'll not be bitter.

The things that will destroy you will never happen. Just see it as coming from Me. And if you will do that, you will be protected from getting bitter and responding and criticizing and acting like they're acting or like the other person is acting. Well, the first time I got hit with something right after that, I said, Okay, God, I'm viewing this as coming from You. You wouldn't look like this, Lord. You wouldn't speak like that, Lord, but I'm going to see this coming from You. And what I realized that very shortly, I could look those folks square in the face later.

Didn't faze me one bit. I knew that their attitude was all messed up and they were very critical, and I was so free and liberated because I learned if I what? If I see this as coming from God, then He's got to be up to something good no matter what. Then, of course, ask the Holy Spirit if and where you're at fault. Because sometimes we're the ones who are at fault. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if and where you are at fault. And if you are at fault, if you aren't at fault, then you just remain quiet. But if you are at fault, be will, here's what you do. Be willing to say, Well, thank you very much for pointing this out to me. And I want to do my best at correcting this because I want to do my best and be my best as a follower of Jesus Christ. And they may just keep raging on about what they're thinking about you and so forth.

Thank you very much. And then when they have finished giving it to you, lock, stock, and barrel, as we'd say, or both of barrels, here's what you say. Are you listening carefully? Are you listening real carefully? You say, Now, is there any other suggestion that you have that would help me?

Now, let's just think for a moment. Isn't that the godly response? If you're wrong, don't you want to be corrected?

Yes. If you're going to grow in your Christian life, you want to be corrected. And so, being willing to acknowledge that you're wrong if you are, or let's say that you're not, and they've given you this big tirade and you may have to say, Well, I appreciate, I'm certainly glad that you feel free to tell me how you feel.

Now, it may be onslaught, but I, you feel free to tell me how you feel, and you know, I'm going to look at this and I'm going to evaluate this honestly. And I will certainly go before the Lord and ask Him to show me if and where I've been wrong. And if I have, I'm going to come back to you and so forth. And then, is there anything else you want to point out to me? That is, listen, humility always wins, always.

It always wins. And so, what can someone say about you to you if you say, if you did that, then they're going to tell somebody, say, Well, I told him off in good fashion. Well, how did he respond? Their description of your response is going to be extremely condemning to them. It's not that you want to get the best of anybody. You just want to respond in a godly fashion. Then, of course, you ask this.

Oh, this is the way you respond. You forgive the person even if they're totally wrong. You forgive them anyway. You say, But now, wait a minute. If they're wrong, you're telling me that I'm to forgive them for something that I didn't do?

No. You're to forgive them for the way they said whatever they said and to forgive them for bringing conflict into your life. You say, Well, now, where's the limitation on that? Well, you know the answer to that, what Jesus said. But if you'll notice, for example, in the Bible, Ephesians chapter four, listen to what the Apostle Paul said. He said in verse thirty, Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

And then he follows that verse with this verse because it sort of goes together. In other words, don't grieve the Spirit by wrong responses. Don't grieve the Spirit who sealed you of the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ Jesus has forgiven us. So, what's the limitation of my forgiveness?

There can't be any. Did I say it would be easy? No, because some hurt and some pain is beyond description. But are we to hold it against them? We're to forgive them no matter what.

You see, there's not a single verse in the Bible. There's not a single biblical reason or justifiable reason for me to hold unforgiveness toward someone no matter what they've done. I may hurt, I may weep, I may cry to God, but I have the responsibility of being forgiving. And Jesus was such a perfect example of that.

He's hanging on the cross, dying, a perfect God-man, hanging between two thieves, almost naked, having not been guilty of anything they accused Him of. And what is His response? Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. More conflicts could be solved if somebody were able to say, I forgive you no matter what. And when you say to a person, I forgive you no matter what, then they have to deal with that. And what you want to happen in any conflict, you want both people to win.

You want to be able to respond properly and you want to hope and pray that they will respond in a fashion that they will think twice and God will work something in their life. And think about this. You cannot be angry in conflict with anybody else in the world and be happy at the same time. Listen, you can't even genuinely fully love anybody else when you're holding animosity and anger and bitterness and resentfulness and unforgiveness toward anybody else.

You can't do it. And think about this. You can't be angry and happy at the same time. You can't be in conflict, consternation going on in your life and be happy at the same time. Nor can you have any peace. So watch this. It's incumbent upon us that we make the decision, whatever is necessary, that we don't allow unforgiveness and hostility and anger and bitterness to destroy us because it will destroy us.

Physically, it will destroy you. Now, listen to this last thing that I want to mention here. Ask God to show you what is His purpose for allowing this in your life. Now, you know, I've lived long enough to look back at things that I've had to go through and pain and suffering and heartache and conflict and so forth. And at the time, I didn't understand what God was doing.

But you know what? The longer I live, the more I understand why God has allowed certain things in my life. There's always a reason that God has something going in your life more than you and I can remember or think about. And when these things come, all of a sudden life is in our face. But if we can just back off and say, God, what's your goal in allowing this in my life? Well, I know some of those goals.

One of them is what? To grow us up, to grow us up spiritually, to help us to mature, to help us, listen, to enable us that your walk in life, the people you relate to, the people who know you, your friends, people you work with, one of the reasons He allows these things is that your life becomes a living, walking, undeniable, powerful testimony of how God can work in your life when you respond in the right way. Thank you for listening to Part 2 of Confronting Conflict. If you'd like to know more about Charles Stanley or InTouch Ministries, stop by InTouch.org. This podcast is a presentation of InTouch Ministries, Atlanta, Georgia.