How To Handle Conflict and Criticism Wisely - Part 2

Welcome to the In Touch Podcast with Charles Stanley for Tuesday, April 5th. Do you have a godly plan for managing disputes? Learn about how to handle conflict and criticism wisely in the final session of the series, Wisdom's Way. And criticism and misunderstanding, it's always going to be that some place or the other in everybody's life. And so what we have to ask is not how can we escape it because we can't, but rather how do we deal with it? How do we handle it?

How do we respond in the right way? Because oftentimes there are misunderstandings, genuine misunderstandings. Sometimes it's a matter of a difference of opinion. Sometimes two different people or a group of people have different perspectives on how things ought to be done or what they look like. But then sometimes it's envy and jealousy. Sometimes it's pride and power hungry. And so there are all different kinds of reasons for people to have conflict. And oftentimes it develops into criticism because usually when there's conflict, somebody is going to start criticizing somebody else. When that happens, how do you feel? How do you respond? There is a right way. There is a wise way. Let's look for just a moment and I want to give you a list of about nine things.

Every single one of these important, every one of them. How do we handle conflict? Now listen, whether we caused it or whether someone else caused it. That's not even the issue because oftentimes it'll be either way and sometimes it can be both sides.

The question is, how do we handle this? You're thinking about maybe somebody that you love, deeply love, but there's conflict between you and somehow it just keeps on and just stays there. And you'd like to erase it and get away from it. And you've given in, given in, given in, given in.

It's still there. Giving in isn't necessarily a way to handle conflict and denying it's there and acting like it's not there. And just forgiving and forgiving and forgiving and forgiving, but you haven't forgotten and you haven't dealt with.

That's not the issue. The issue is how do we handle it? So let's think about these things and I want you to jot them down. Number one, when conflict arises between you and someone else and there's criticism or whether it's there or not, you maintain a quiet spirit. You maintain a quiet spirit.

This is what the apostle Paul did. No sharp outburst, no quick defense of yourself or maybe no defense at all. But first of all, a very quiet spirit. Very important that you don't jump up and have a fit and throw a fit and have a big pity party and berate everybody around you because of something's going on. You maintain a quiet spirit. You say, well, sometimes, and I hear people say, you know what? I just have a temper and that's the way God made me.

Wrong. God did not make you with a short fuse. You cannot blame and you cannot excuse and you cannot justify your reaction on the basis of your short fuse. Because the truth is, if you have such a short fuse, get you a longer fuse because that is not acceptable. And as a believer, it's absolutely unacceptable and absolutely, listen, it is an attempt to justify something that's not right. Maintain a quiet spirit.

Yes, you can. I'll talk about that in a few moments. Maintain a quiet spirit, number one. Number two, make no attempt to defend yourself immediately. Now, I didn't say that there wouldn't be occasions where you have to defend yourself, but don't do it immediately. Let all the criticism and all the furor, let it get by. Don't defend yourself immediately.

You may be forced by the circumstance to defend yourself in some situations. And sometimes I would never say don't ever. But be sure that you let all the fire go by first.

Number three, listen this carefully. Ask the Holy Spirit to put a seal upon your lips and a guard at your mouth. And that's exactly, I want you to get this scripture down, Luke 12, 12.

Write that down. The Bible says the Holy Spirit will teach you in the same hour what you ought to say. And I believe He will also tell you to shut up when that's what needs to happen. He says the Holy Spirit will teach you in the same hour what you ought to say.

Hundred and forty-first Psalm, the third verse, David says, Oh Lord, put a seal upon my lips and a guard at my mouth. There are times when we don't need to say anything. We're going to maintain a quiet spirit. We're not going to defend ourselves immediately. Maybe not at all.

If not necessarily, not at all. For example, if somebody gets on your case and they begin to criticize you and you know where it's coming from, you know that it's something that happened to them yesterday that just ignited them and they got all their antennas out and they just came to work waiting for the first person just to open their mouth about anything. And you sort of know that, you know what, you don't need to defend yourself.

It won't do any good. Listen, yes, ask the Holy Spirit to put a seal upon your lips and a guard at your mouth so that you will know when is the right time to speak. Because sometimes, lots of times it makes no difference and anything you say is an absolute waste of time.

On other occasions, that's not true. So we want to be sure we maintain a quiet spirit, don't attempt to defend ourselves. The Holy Spirit put a seal upon our lips.

And number four, ask the Holy Spirit who lives within you, who gives discernment, to give you the discernment to understand what's happening. What's happening? All of us have suddenly found ourselves in conflict and we thought, where did that come from? What did I say?

What happened? It may not be anything that you said. It may be something going on in the other person, but it also may be something that you and I said, or we did. So we asked the Holy Spirit to give us discernment to understand what's going on, what's really happening in this situation.

Number five, very important, but sometimes difficult. No matter what the circumstance, what the conflict may be, view it as coming from God. You say, now wait a minute, haven't I heard you say that God doesn't cause sin?

Right. That God doesn't cause these things? I didn't say, view it as God sending it. I said, view it as God, as it coming from God. Now what do I mean by that? Is that a contradiction?

No. Here's the reason I say that. If I get my focus on the person who's causing this, and that's where my focus is, I'm going to have a greater tendency to want to talk, want to blame, want to accuse, and want to justify my accusations. But if I'm saying, Father, I'm going to see this as coming from You, because the truth is He or she could not have done this, created this circumstance, caused this conflict, unless for some reason You allowed it to happen. Therefore, because You allowed it, I'm going to look for something good in it that's going to profit me, because I do believe what You said in Romans 8, 28, that You're causing all things that work together for good to those who love You and are called by Your purpose. And so, I'm going to look to You, I'm going to see this as coming from You, and You could stop it if You choose.

You didn't, so therefore You have allowed it. And so what I want to know is how can I learn and what's Your purpose for this? I'll tell you what that'll do. If somebody has jabbed you really hard, I mean really stuck it to you bad, and I mean everything in you just absolutely wants to just come back with vengeance on them. It's hard to have that thinking when you're talking to God and you're saying, Lord, I'm viewing this as coming from You. You know what happens, no matter what they've done to you, it's like God just dulls down the pain and dulls down the sharpness, and you don't feel that way anymore. Very important we see it's coming from God.

Not that He caused it, not that He sent it, but since He is in control of our lives, does He not say He sits upon His throne and He rules over all, He could stop it if He wanted to. He didn't, He allowed it, so I'm either going to suffer from it or I'm going to benefit by it. That's a choice I make according to my attitude and my response.

Then number six. This is a tough one sometimes. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you, is this my fault? If it is, He will.

Sometimes He may have to work at getting it through to us. Yes, that's your fault. Yes, you are the cause of this conflict. Yes, it's something you said.

Yes, it's something you did. Now when that's the case, what should our response be? Admit it to the other person, if there's one person involved or more. Admit it. Ask for forgiveness for whatever you did. And then make a commitment to correct your conduct or what you said. And then ask this question. Would you like to suggest something else that I could do that would help better me in a way that I could avoid this? If we've been wrong, we have to say, I'm sorry, I apologize, I want to ask you to forgive me for this, it will not happen again.

And any suggestion that you could give me, I would be more than happy to listen to it because I want to be everything God wants me to be. And that's a very important step because that is the step of humility. What we're saying is, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I want you to forgive me. I'm asking in genuine sincerity. That kind of humility will take you a long ways in life.

Then the next step is number seven. Forgive the person for whatever happened, if they wronged you, it doesn't make it, they may have wronged you and they caused the conflict and they're doing the criticizing. You forgive them no matter what. You say, but there are some things you just can't forgive people for.

Like what? Right. Let me ask you this. Is there anything that you and I have ever done that the Lord Jesus Christ would not forgive us for? No.

Have you ever come to Him and said, Lord, I'm sorry, I've made a mess of things, I'm asking you to forgive me. And God say, no. No more forgiveness.

No. What did He say? He says, He that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out. If we confess our sins, He's faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And how many times did He say, you and I are to forgive our brother? Well, Peter thought it was a big deal at seven times. No. Not even seventy times. Seventy times seven. Does that mean four hundred and ninety-first time, you have had it for sure?

No. He means endlessly. We keep on forgiving. So, let's put it this way. If Jesus Christ will forgive me for everything, no matter what, what right do I hold, have to hold anybody in an unforgiving state?

I don't have that right. He said in Ephesians chapter four, that thirty-first and thirty-second verses, be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted. Listen to that, tenderhearted. Forgiving one another, even as God through Christ Jesus has forgiven you and me. Forgiveness is absolutely essential, lest I suffer the terrible consequences of an unforgiving spirit like becoming bitter, living in bondage, placing myself in a position where my relationships with other people who have neither wronged me nor have I wronged. Those relationships will finally deteriorate.

And so, forgiveness is absolutely essential. Number eight, look beyond the conflict. Look beyond the criticism. Look beyond and ask the question, how can I avoid this the next time? What can I do for this person to help them understand that I love them, that I care?

What can I do beyond this instance so that that person will understand that there's a different way, a better way of handling things like this? You see what happens when conflict arises and criticism comes like a storm. We get all enmeshed in it. We have to look beyond that to see what is God up to.

How can I help this person? What does God want to teach me in this? We look beyond it. Don't let yourself get stuck in it. Because what it does, it paralyzes you.

And once it paralyzes you, it's very difficult to get out without sometimes somebody helping you. So we're going to look beyond it. And then number nine, we're going to take advantage of the conflict in order to do two things. We're going to take advantage of it. We're going to turn this thing into something good.

We're going to take advantage of it and do two things. We're going to learn from it. We're going to ask God to help us to learn from this, how this person thinks or how people think, why people act the way they do. What is it that causes people to respond the way they respond? We're going to learn something about how people respond. We're going to learn something about ourselves. Am I as godly as I thought I was?

Can I really and truly maintain quietness? Can I really love my enemies? Can I really and truly genuinely pray for this person?

Deep down inside, do I want to retaliate? I'm going to learn something. And secondly, very important, it is an opportunity not only to learn something, but it is a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate the life of Christ by the way we respond to conflict and to criticism. And you see, we never know when that person who is unsaved, who watches our response, that may be the most powerful weapon the Holy Spirit has to penetrate that heart and help them to understand that our Christian faith is real. Our Christian faith works. Our Christian faith makes it possible for us to face conflict and listen to criticism and to stand face to face with difficulty, hardship, trial, pain, criticism, ridicule, and still smile, still have a piece, still have joy in our heart, no matter what and no matter how long.

Awesome testimony of the reality of our Christian faith. Now, you may have listened to all this and said, there is no way I'm going to forgive. There is no way I can do thus and so.

Well, I agree with it. You can't. If you've never trusted Jesus Christ as your Savior, listen carefully. You know that all you have is your human responses.

All you have is your natural fleshly humanness, what any human can do. But once you trust the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, do you know what happens? Once you ask Him to forgive you of your sin, once you tell Him that you do believe the testimony of Scripture, that Jesus Christ came into this world, the virgin-born Son of God, went to the cross of Calvary, and when He did, He paid our sin debt in full in His debt. And that makes it possible for you to ask for forgiveness of your sin, and your sin be absolutely, totally, and completely forgiven forever and ever and ever, because what washes away your sinfulness, washes away your penalty, is the blood of Jesus Christ at Calvary. And the moment you ask Him to forgive you and to save you, He forgives you, He cleanses you, He makes you one of His children, He inhabits you in the presence of the Holy Spirit, who is a Person of the Godhead, and the Holy Spirit is the one who enables us and equips us and strengthens us and energizes us and motivates us and enables us to love and to forgive and to be the persons God wants us to be. And if you want to trust Him as your personal Savior, God will enable you to deal with conflict and criticism.

And listen to this one last statement. The most important conflict in your life today, if you have never trusted Jesus Christ, is your conflict with Almighty God. He says He created you to be His own. He created you for a purpose.

He wants to live in you and through you, and to accomplish things in and through you, and to draw you into an intimate personal relationship with Him that'll make your life absolutely unbelievable. But because you have decided you can live your life without Him, you're going to bear the weight of your own sin, you're going to have it your way, you and God are in great conflict. Now listen carefully. Unless you accept His Son Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you're going to die and you're going to lose this conflict. You cannot win it. You're fighting against the Almighty God who is the Creator of this universe. You can't win, but you can win if you'll trust Him as your personal Savior and tell Him today, I want to be saved. I want this war between us, God, this conflict, I want it over today. I give up and I surrender.

And you know what happens? When you surrender to Him, you win. You win eternally when you surrender your life to Him.

And that's my prayer. And it can be yours simply by praying in your own words, Lord, forgive me of my sins. I've fought You long enough. I want to give up this battle. I don't want any more conflict between us. But the power of the Holy Spirit that I just heard about, I'm going to trust to live my life for you all the days of my life.

And my friend, you will have discovered life at its very best. Thank you for listening to Part 2 of How to Handle Conflict and Criticism Wisely. If you'd like to know more about Charles Stanley or In Touch Ministries, stop by InTouch.org. This podcast is a presentation of In Touch Ministries, Atlanta, Georgia.