How To Handle Conflict and Criticism Wisely - Part 1

Welcome to the In Touch Podcast with Charles Stanley for Monday, April 4th. Is there someone who consistently rubs you the wrong way? Get some practical instruction on how to handle conflict and criticism wisely from the series Wisdom's Way. When you find yourself facing conflict and criticism, how do you feel? Do you feel insecure? Do you feel sad? Do you feel angry? Do you feel hurt down inside? Or do you feel guilty?

What are your real feelings when all of a sudden you find yourself right in the midst of conflict and somebody's criticizing you? And I want us to look at that today in this passage in Philippians chapter 1, beginning in verse 12, the Apostle Paul is in prison. And you would think that everybody in Rome who'd heard that he was in prison would certainly be there to cheer him on and to help him and to encourage him and to pray for him and uplift him and to help him in any way possible.

But that was not the case. And I want you to notice what he says beginning in verse 12 of this first chapter. Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel, so that my imprisonment in the cause of Christ has become well known throughout the whole Praetorian Guard and everyone else. And most of the brethren trusting in the Lord because of my imprisonment have far more courage to speak the Word of God without fear, that is those on the outside. Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even from envy and strife. But some also, he says from good will, the latter do that of love, knowing that I'm appointed for the defense of the gospel.

He says they know why I'm here. I've defended the gospel of Jesus Christ all over that world of their day. The latter do that of love, knowing that I'm appointed for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaimed Christ out of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment.

What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in this I rejoice, yes, and I will rejoice. Now when you look at that passage, you think, well, what does that have to do with criticism and praise?

Well, here's what's happening. The apostle Paul was brought to Rome as a prisoner, and there were those in Rome, in the church, who were very much opposed to the apostle Paul, two reasons. Number one, because of his emphasis on preaching the gospel to the Gentiles. They thought he should be preaching the gospel to Jews only. And secondly, because of his emphasis on grace instead of law, having a past Hebrew background. They thought that his emphasis should be on the law, but he was preaching the grace of God. And for those two reasons, they were having some real theological conflict, and there was criticism. And also there was envy, because the apostle Paul was known everywhere in his day among the church. And those who were in Rome were a little bit jealous and envious because of his popularity, and people always talking about him. And so he shows up in Rome as a prisoner, and instead of it being a time of great healing or a time of unity, it became a point of conflict.

And it wasn't something the apostle Paul did, it was just the fact that he was there. Have you ever been in those kind of situations when for some reason, not anything that you particularly did, there was conflict, and next thing you knew, you were the object of somebody's criticism. How do you handle that kind of conflict and that kind of criticism? Because all of us have to figure out how to handle this. How do you handle it when somebody begins to criticize you, and there's just tremendous conflict between you and it's something that you didn't purposely do, or you may not even know why it's happening, but it's there and you have to deal with it. So the question is, how do we deal with these things? Well, one of the most important things is this, and that is to discover the cause of the conflict.

When we think about the causes, let's think about it in this light. Sometimes it's just an honest difference of opinion that two people can have, whether it's husband or wife or in your business or whatever it might be among your friends, honest difference of opinion. Sometimes we see things differently from other, some way some other person would see them.

And so instead of maybe being able to sit down and talk about it, it doesn't always come across that way. Maybe we miscommunicate with somebody and they thought we said one thing and we thought we said something else and they understood one thing and we understood something else. And this is why when I'm dealing with somebody and I want to be sure they get the point, I say to them, now tell me back what you think I said. What do you think I said? Because sometimes what they thought I said was not what I said.

And so probably a lot of conflict finds the cause, the root cause is miscommunication. I thought that's what you said. I heard what you said. I thought that's what you meant. You heard me right, but that's not what I said.

That is, that's not what I meant. And so sometimes that's a part of it. But then we get past that and there's envy, jealousy that oftentimes can end up in being bitterness. Sometimes there is gossip. Somebody says something about someone that's not true.

Even if it is true, it causes conflict, hard feelings, criticism, and oftentimes relationships break up as a result of it. Sometimes that conflict is the result of somebody's own personal emotional baggage. They grow up in life in a difficult situation, difficult circumstance. Maybe they've been abused somehow, either sexually or verbally or physically by their parents or someone else.

And so it's down on the inside of them. And so they feel rejected, and they feel unworthy, and they feel dirty, and they feel guilty. And so when you and I can identify the cause of conflict within someone, when we can identify the reason that they are being critical of us, half the battle is over. And I think when I'm talking with someone and they're criticizing me for something, if I can understand their reason, no matter what the reason is, if somehow I can understand the reason, there can be healing.

Healing can come when we understand the reason because oftentimes the reason may be, humanly speaking, very legitimate. We may have said or done something. Or it may be a misunderstanding or how we couched it or the tone in which we said it or the reference that we made.

There are lots and lots of innuendos that people can pick up. And so they become very critical and all of a sudden you have a conflict and you're both looking at each other thinking, well, where did all this come from? Well, remember that Satan is always, does his best to get into conflict and miscommunication, whatever. The issue is why does it happen? So it happens for lots of reasons. Sometimes that happens because somebody has wronged someone because someone has absolutely wronged someone.

They're possible. That's certainly clear here with him because there was an attitude and conduct toward him that was not right. And so there are always reasons. So I would simply say, if you are in conflict with someone today, if there's real criticism going back and forth between you, ask yourself the question, what is the real cause? Is it something within me that was there before I ever met this person? Is it because of something I said?

Is it the way I said it? Did I trigger something in that person that I did not mean to trigger because I didn't even know it was there? Or have I wronged them, hurt their feelings in some way? Have I overlooked them in a way?

Have I failed to meet a need that they felt that I should meet that I knew about that I did not? You see, the truth is whenever there is conflict and there is criticism, we want to have the spirit of humility. We want to have the right spirit, the right attitude. We want to look for ways to bring healing, not to continue the conflict and not to shut somebody out, not to cut them off, not to throw them away.

There's no one so unworthy as to be tossed out. Jesus Christ died for the entire world. He died for every single person and especially if there's conflict between a Christian and a non-Christian, we have the responsibility to take the initiative to do our best to bring healing and oneness in the lives of those people. Because if they're lost, they're already without Christ, how do they deal with these things? How do they handle these things when they don't know God in such a way that He's forgiving and that to remind them that they have been forgiven or can be forgiven by Him?

So to identify the cause is very, very important if there's going to be healing. A second thing that's so important is this, and it certainly was true of the Apostle Paul, and that is that we be realistic about how conflict and how criticism affects us. The Apostle Paul knew how to handle conflict. He knew how to respond. He knew how to listen to criticism and to respond the right way because he'd had lots of experience by this time in his life.

He'd gone through it over and over and over again. The issue today is, look, you and I can't escape it, how are we going to respond? Are we going to respond in a Godly fashion? Are we going to respond in a way that glorifies our Father? Are we going to respond in a way that we can say with Him, I'm still going to rejoice. I'm going to rejoice no matter what.

I'm going to be grateful to God no matter what. Somebody says, well, you don't know the kind of conflict I'm in. Won't beat the Apostle Paul's. Certainly the Lord Jesus Christ had conflict. There have been many, many women down through history who have had all kinds of conflict.

I mean conflict beyond anything that any of us have ever borne. And somehow they've come through with such an awesome sense of gratitude to God, thanksgiving, praise, faith, unwavering faith. The Apostle Paul certainly knew how to respond to these things.

And so when I think about how he did and then ask myself the question, Lord, how are we to respond? How am I to respond? People often respond, for example, in very unrealistic and very unhealthy ways. Here's the way they respond. When they come to conflict and to criticism, they respond by repressing it. That is, they acknowledge that it's there, but they don't want to do anything about it. They say, okay, I understand.

They want to walk away. They just want to get rid of it. Sometimes they suppress it.

They just stifle it down and they deny that it even exists. And then sometimes people respond in a very negative fashion. They're quick to blame, quick to accuse, refuse to look at themselves. It's somebody else's fault. It's always someone else's fault. It's never their fault. And you don't see any of this here in the Apostle Paul's response. Their attitude is, don't blame me.

I can't even imagine this would come up. And so they absolutely refuse to acknowledge the issue and deal with it. All that happens with that is we hinder relationships. Sometimes it's emotional insecurity. Sometimes it's perfectionism, trying to live up to something they can't.

What a terrible form of bondage. Sometimes it's just pure pride. They just can't say, I was wrong. They just can't say, please forgive me.

They just can't say, I'm sorry. Listen, if you can't say, I was wrong. If you can't say, please forgive me.

If you can't say, I'm really sorry. Then my friend, you are bound up in a form of bondage, which will absolutely prohibit you from ever having real peace, real joy, real happiness in your life for the simple reason we're going to have faults and failures. And so if you try to live up to something you cannot live, you're going to be in bondage. Pride, listen, is inexcusable. Our sense of self-esteem and ego is so distorted that we think we can't make a mistake.

And we, if we did, we can't admit it. That we're above and beyond all that. All of these things cause greater conflict, greater disharmony, and greater criticism.

So what are the results in a person's life when they deal with criticism and they deal with conflict in that way? Well, several things are true. Number one, they limit their potential to grow. If you can't say, you know what, I was wrong.

They limit their potential to grow. They close their mind because they can't learn the things that God wants them to learn. Secondly, they'll never discover who they are. Until you and I are able to look at ourselves and acknowledge our failures, acknowledge our faults, we'll never find out who we really are. We'll only know the person that we want other people to think we are.

That's the only one we'll know. The issue is, who am I? Thirdly, what they will do is they will fail to grow in their spiritual life. There's no growth. When a person shuts their minds to the fact that they are wrong and that they've made a mistake or that they've hurt someone else or that something is their fault, they'll never be able to grow. And then ultimately what happens is you develop an unforgiving spirit. In other words, if you can't deal with criticism and you can't deal with conflict, you develop an unforgiving spirit because if someone causes conflict in your life and hurt and pain, you may be right or you may be wrong, doesn't make any difference. If you don't deal with it, it's going to simmer and it's going to soak and it's going to get down into your whole emotional being and bitterness and resentment is going to flow through your whole system and ultimately your unforgiving spirit will destroy relationships. They're going to spill over into somebody else, maybe somebody that you love, somebody's precious to you. And what happens?

You lost it. This is exactly what's happening to people. On their jobs, they can't get along. In their families, they can't get along.

With their children, with their husband, wife, parents can't get along. Why? Somebody's unforgiving. Somebody can't handle a little criticism. Even if it's gentle, loving, godly criticism, it isn't confrontation with associated with condemnation, it's just to say, you know what, this is not going to work. And if you can't handle that, you hinder yourself all of your life.

So there's a penalty to pay. Now the big question is this, then how do we handle conflict? How do we handle criticism? Especially if somebody we love, somebody we love with all of our heart and they criticize us or they just cause conflict within us about something. How do we handle it?

Well, listen carefully now. Sometimes no matter what you do, you can't fix somebody else, no matter what you do. If they don't want to change, you can't change them. If they don't want to be fixed, you can't fix them.

If they don't want a relationship, you can't make it happen. If they insist on being bitter and hostile and resentful and holding these things against you, you can't make them be forgiving. There's some folks like that.

Listen carefully. You and I are not responsible for other people's responses. We're responsible only for ours. We may like to share.

We may try to share. We may want to give some suggestions, but you know what? We can't make it happen.

We can't make it happen. And so we are responsible for how we respond to conflict and to criticism. And so let's think about how we should. Well, let's look at the Apostle Paul again first. Certainly here's what you find in him in these passages. And that is an unwavering sense of quietness about him. Listen to what he says. He says, the former proclaimed Christ that of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment.

What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, he is a there's an awesome sense of unwavering quietness in his spirit. The second thing I notice, there's an unshakable unshakable joy. He's not just quiet. There's something inside of him that's that's rejoicing. Now the reason he's able to rejoice in the midst of being Being a prisoner in Rome, and remember, they didn't have colored television, nice thick padded beds, and wonderful food.

Being in a Roman prison was the next thing to death. And here he is with his unwavering sense of quietness in his spirit, this unshakable sense of joy. Now listen carefully. Do you know why? Say amen.

Here's why. He was looking beyond his circumstances, beyond his hurt, beyond his pain, beyond the conflict and beyond the criticism. He was looking beyond all of that and being able to see what God was doing in his life. Listen carefully. When you and I are walking in the center of the will of God, when we're walking in the center of the will of God, no matter what the criticism is, and no matter what the conflict is, we can stand with unshakable joy, unwavering quietness in our spirit, because we know that we're standing in the center of the will of God, held by him, protected by him, cared for him, no matter what. Thank you for listening to How to Handle Conflict and Criticism Wisely. If you'd like to know more about Charles Stanley or In Touch Ministries, stop by InTouch.org. This podcast is a presentation of In Touch Ministries, Atlanta, Georgia.