Welcome to the InTouch podcast with Charles Stanley for Monday, August 10th. We often associate criticism with something negative. But what if it could be seen from a different perspective? Today, on the InTouch podcast, discover how criticism can be viewed in a new light.
Now, how do we handle criticism?
Well, all of us probably handle it in different sorts of ways, and sometimes we do it well, and sometimes we don't do so well. What I want you to notice right up front, and I think this is very important we understand this, we're not talking about now. whether this criticism is all praise is valid or invalid. We're not talking about the source of it, whether it's from your enemies or from your friends. Not talking about whether it's from something inside of you or not.
Or whether it is legitimate or illegitimate, or the manner in which it is given. Oftentimes it comes very harshly, someone who wants to criticize us, or sometimes it comes in a very gentle fashion.
So we're not considering any of that. We're just considering here how do we respond. Doesn't make any difference what the source is, how it comes to us, whether it's valid, whether it's invalid. How do we respond to criticism?
Now, the Bible has some very clear words about criticism.
So what I want you to do, I want you to just listen to these verses and not try to find them. I'll give you the source, and then I want you to listen to how they are written in the Life Application Bible. Proverbs chapter 10 verse 17 says, Anyone willing to be corrected is on the pathway to life. Anyone refusing has lost his chance. Proverbs 13, 10 says, Be humble, take advice, and be wise.
In Proverbs 13, verse 18, the scripture says, if you refuse criticism, You will end in poverty and disgrace. If you accept criticism, you're on your road to fame. Proverbs 15 verses 31, 32, if you profit from constructive criticism, you'll be elected to the wise men's hall of fame. But to reject criticism is to harm yourself and your best interest. In Proverbs 17, 15, the intelligent man is always open to new ideas.
Proverbs 19, verse 20. Get all the advice you can and be wise the rest of your life. Proverbs 23, 12. Don't refuse to accept criticism. Get all the help you can.
Proverbs 24, verse 10, you're a poor specimen if you can't stand the pressure of adversity. Proverbs 25, verse 12. It is a badge of honor to accept valid criticism. Proverbs 28, 13. A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful, but if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.
Proverbs 29, 1, the man who is often reproved but refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be broken and never have another chance.
Now that's a lot of verses out of one book of the Bible. Very clearly, the Bible tells us that criticism certainly is a valid part of our life.
So, one thing should be very evident to us: that all criticism is not bad, because in this one book of the scriptures, in the book of Proverbs, over and over and over again, we are admonished. To consider criticism and to consider it in the right fashion. That is, there could be something very profitable about it. Why is it that we don't respond to criticism and praise in the right fashion? We'll talk about how in a few moments, but I think one of the primary reasons is this: when a person has a poor self-image, when a person feels unworthy, When they have been damaged emotionally earlier in their life, either by their parents or by whatever may have happened, what happens is they have this feeling of being unworthy and unacceptable.
And so, if a person has a poor self-image and just feels like they don't quite measure up to their own expectations, don't measure up to God, don't measure up to the expectations of others, when someone comes along and then criticizes them for almost anything, it is very difficult for them to accept because usually they apply that criticism to their personhood. That they are criticizing their character, and oftentimes the criticism may be their method of doing something, the way they go about it.
Sometimes it may be something that they have done that deserves correcting, and so, but they can't accept it.
So they choose to accept all criticism as a slam or a blight against their character. When oftentimes the person who may be offering the criticism may be doing so in a helpful way to strengthen that person, to help change something in their life, but they can't handle it. They've been so damaged that emotionally any form of criticism comes across to them as an expression of rejection.
Now listen carefully. If you cannot accept criticism, If somehow that your emotions are so damaged, and they've been damaged back yonder a long time, and somehow you either do not know to deal with them or don't know how to deal with that, what's going to happen is this. You're going to be hindered in every facet of your life because none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. We all need someone to point out those areas of our life that need to be changed.
And so sometimes one of the primary reasons a person can't accept criticism is they have a poor self-image. A second reason is that they are perfectionist in their attitude toward life.
Now, what I mean by perfectionism is this: not that a person does everything perfectly, but rather that a person has so enslaved themselves to this self-expectation, this high standard, such a standard that not even God expects of them, they try to live up to it, they can't live up to it, and therefore their attempt to be perfect in every area will not allow them to be imperfect or to make a mistake, and certainly will not allow you or anyone else to be critical of them in any fashion because, after all, they have this perfectionistic standard. They've set the goal, they've set the standard, they cannot fall short. short of that and if you accuse them of doing so it slams against their personhood. A third reason people can't take criticism is just pure old rotten, stinking, nasty pride. And that is they have such a high, elevated view of themselves that they cannot do any wrong, can't make any mistakes.
They're as good as anybody else and better than the rest. And so when you have that kind of an egotistical latitude, you can't accept any valid criticism or criticism that is not valid. And so we all have to look at ourselves, examine ourselves, and ask ourselves the question: you know, if someone criticizes us, how are we to respond to that? What I would like to do is, I would just like to give you some ideas of some suggestions that I think might be helpful. Uh how we are to Evaluate that criticism, but before we do, let me just talk about this for a moment.
What are the results in a person's life when they can't? When a person just absolutely can't handle anybody criticizing them.
Well, the first thing it does, that is it limits a person's potential mentally, emotionally, and spiritual. If someone cannot correct us, What it says to us is, you know, I can't accept any new ideas. I've got my own. This is the way to do it, and that's it. Secondly, in a person's emotions.
If a person cannot accept criticism in their emotions, what happens is they will never be able to grow. And you see, there are people, many people, who cannot love anyone. They don't know how to love anybody. They try. They love by giving this and giving that and giving the other, but they don't know how to emotionally, listen, emotionally become one with someone else.
Why? Because of fear of failure and fear of criticism. They cannot be criticized. Listen, if you and I cannot accept criticism, we will never learn how to love someone else because no two people are perfect. And so, therefore, a person limits themselves, and surely they limit their spiritual growth.
Because if you'll think about it for a moment from a human point of view, when God convicts us of sin, when the Holy Spirit smites us with conviction, and you could put it in this fashion, He is criticizing us, evaluating our actions or attitudes, and say, This is not right, this needs to change, this needs to go. And so therefore a person limits themselves. A second result of an inability to accept criticism is the fact that a person will never discover what they really like. They'll never know who they really are. Until a person is able to accept criticism, they'll never know who they are.
They'll always have this self-imposed image of themselves, and that's the way they see themselves. And if they cannot accept criticism, they will not allow. different view of themselves, maybe a wiser perspective, a more accurate perspective of themselves, and so what do they do? They limit their own spiritual growth. They limit their view of themselves.
And so all of us, none of us see ourselves the way other people see us. And other people can see us from a distance and they can judge us more objectively. And therefore all of us need criticism in areas of our light. That doesn't mean that it has to be harsh, it can be gentle, but I think all of us agree that some forms of criticism, especially if it's something that we need to change and need to correct or something we're guilty of, usually that's the form of criticism that stings us and that's the form which we certainly want to defend ourselves, blame someone else, and reject the criticism.
So when you think in terms of the result of it, a person will never, they'll never know themselves. It is criticism, whatever form it may come in, that causes us to examine ourselves, to look again, to see, is this correct? Is this something I need to change in my life? A third thing that happens is that when a person's not able to accept criticism, they'll make mistakes. They'll make mistakes in life.
And oftentimes, very costly mistakes because they were not willing to accept the fact that someone says, This is an unwise approach, this is not the way to handle this, you shouldn't do this. I'm telling you, if you head in this direction, that you're going to hurt yourself, you're going to hurt others, you're going to make a terrible mistake. Cannot accept that, reject that, blame someone else, whatever it may be, and so what happens?
Sometimes those are very costly mistakes, costly mistakes financially, costly mistakes in relationships. And what happens is, because they can't accept criticism, People lose their business, they lose their job, they lose their relationships, they lose their family because somehow they cannot accept the fact that someone may be able to know something that they desperately need to know and yet they cannot accept it. Just the fact that they are not sufficient within themselves. I'm here to tell you, all of us at times in our life need someone to point out something that needs to be corrected in their life. That's what the conviction of the Holy Spirit is all about.
And oftentimes, He will use someone.
Now, we love for Him to use people who love us and who are gentle and who are comforting, but sometimes we don't like Him to use our enemies. And oftentimes, it's our enemies who say things to us that God will use to cause us to stop and think and evaluate where we are in life. Simply to say it this way: A person who cannot accept criticism, no matter what, no matter whether it's valid or invalid, whatever the source it may be, whether it comes upon them critically, harshly, cruelly, or very Comfortingly, it doesn't make any difference. A person who can't accept it limits. themselves and to a point of degree that in their relationship to other people, relationship to their work, relationship to their finances, relationship to every aspect of life, they are going to hurt and they're going to suffer.
Now, in light of that, Let's ask ourselves the question, what is the proper response to criticism? How should we respond to criticism regardless of whether it's valid or invalid, regardless of where it comes from, regardless of what we may feel about the manner in which we got it? The question is, how should we respond to it? And so let me begin by saying in our responses, let me begin by this one negative and all the rest of them are positive, and that is this. You don't respond to criticism by immediate rejecting it, looking for somebody to blame and defending yourself.
That is not the way for criticism to become profitable to us. That is, you don't immediately respond by rejecting it, defending yourself, or blaming someone else. That is not the proper response to criticism. You say, Well, but you don't know what they said and you don't know what they did. That's not even the issue.
Their first response should never be immediate rejection, blame, and defending oneself. But how should we do it? I think this is always the first thing to ask. And that is simply this. When you hear criticism from someone, and especially if it's rather painful, ask yourself this question.
Could this be true of me? That's a simple question. Could this be true of me? Is what this person, is what they're saying, could this be true of me? And we have to evaluate that.
And when a person is willing to do that without responding quickly to rejecting it, therein we are expressing our teachableness. Could this be true of me? Listen to me carefully. If you and I are going to grow spiritually, this is one absolutely essential quality, one essential characteristic that must be found in us, and that is the spirit of teachableness. That yes, I could be wrong.
That is, do I need to examine some area of my life at this point? What is that person trying to say to me? Then I think a third thing that comes to light at this point is this, and that is Is God trying to say something to me about my life? Is God trying to say something to me?
So, what are you doing? You've opened your heart, you've not rejected the criticism, you're not trying to evaluate now what's their attitude, what's their motive, and all those things, but the issue is. God, are you trying to say something to me? Do I need to consider this? Is there something about me here that I need to consider?
Is God trying to say something to me that I have never seen before? Likewise, I think it's interesting if you discover, if you can discern that person's spiritual gift who criticizes you. For example, if I arrange something and someone said to me, well, you know what, that was not the proper order. Or they said, that wasn't very well organized.
Well, my first question would be, well, what is their spiritual gift? If that person has the gift of organization, naturally, they're going to see that I could have done that better. And so, if I want to respond to criticism in a fashion that's profitable, I will ask the question: well, what is their spiritual gift and what is it that motivated them to do that? The most important thing that I would say when someone criticizes is how I'm not to respond. This is the wisest way to respond.
Listen carefully. Thank you very much. I appreciate you telling me that. And I want you to know that I will certainly consider what you said.
Now You may want to respond, if they came on real critical to you, I mean very cruelly, you may want to respond after you have said, Thank you very much. I appreciate you telling me that, and I will certainly consider that. Is there anything else? Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about me? Here's what you've done.
You've flung the door wide open. And you have said, thank you very much. You may have pointed out something that I have overlooked in my life, and I'm certainly willing to consider that. Listen, it may come on harshly, it may come on stinging. Their motivation may be as wicked as it can be, but if you say, If you say, well, thank you very much, I appreciate you sharing that with me, and I want you to know that I will consider that.
You've not said you change, you've not even said you're right, you're wrong. It may be something that's so far off the wall that it's absolutely ridiculous, but what you've done, you've said thank you very much, I appreciate that, and I want you to know that I will consider that. I may consider it five seconds, or I may consider it for five weeks. but I will consider it. And is there anything else that you want to share with me?
When you respond in that fashion, you bear a witness to other people. Because, for example, if somebody criticizes you in front of someone at your work or even in your home, in front of your children or your spouse or whatever it might be, and you respond in that fashion, well, I appreciate you pointing that out to me, and I'm really going to consider that. You have given a tremendous testimony of your relationship to God. Listen, you are far more important in growing in your relationship to God than you are defending yourself. You're more concerned about your relationship to the Lord than you are having your way.
It is an awesome testimony when you cannot. Reject it, not blame someone else, not defend yourself, but say, thank you very much. I certainly appreciate that. And I'm going to view this criticism as an opportunity of growing in my spiritual life. Because you see, if I view criticism as an opportunity of spiritual growth, and I view criticism, listen, as an opportunity of bearing witness, a good witness to someone else, I think you'll discover that our way of handling criticism is also a good barometer of where we are in our spiritual walk.
And so when I think about all the ways, the proper ways to respond, sometimes it may be that the proper way to respond to criticism is to say, you are absolutely correct. I need to ask you to forgive me. I want to apologize. And you know, I'm going to do my best to work at that to see that that does not happen again. That may be the way we have to respond to criticism.
But whatever it is, remember, we don't respond immediately, defensively, and looking for someone else to blame. We say simply, thank you very much. I appreciate you pointing that out to me. And I want you to know that I will consider that. Is there anything else that you see in my life that I need to work on?
Or if it's something very definite, you know, when they brought it up, it was absolutely correct. Then you say simply, I want to apologize. You're absolutely correct. And I certainly am going to work on that in my life. Listen, a person who lives every day seeking acceptance and seeking praise, and whose life is dependent upon the stream of acceptance that comes that way, there's no joy in that kind of living because what that means is we are subject to other people's opinions.
God never intends for us to live according to other people's opinions, but according to what He would have us to do. Therefore, We're going to have to deal with criticism. We're going to have to deal with praise. Need to decide how we're going to deal with it. We can't live to please everybody else.
There's no way in this world to please other people. Because you please them today, you don't please them tomorrow. They love you today. Tomorrow they're critical of something. And so what we have to do is decide how are we going to handle life in this aspect.
We are going to handle criticism. By saying thank you very much. And I want you to know that I will consider that, or I apologize, you're absolutely correct. I certainly want to work on that in my life. And besides, after that, what else is there to say?
And so we are all imperfect. We all make mistakes. We all sin. We all say things that hurt people. We do things they don't understand.
And they do the same thing to us. And so instead of letting it become a Continuing point of contention. We just accept the fact we're imperfect, we make mistakes, we say things off the cover, we don't say things we should, we overlook things that we shouldn't. Therefore, our self-image is not wrapped up in people's acceptance but in our relationship to Jesus Christ. Therefore, when criticism comes, we'll handle it in a wise fashion.
Thank you for listening to How to Handle Criticism and Praise. For more inspirational messages like this one, visit our online 24-7 station. And if you'd like to know more about Charles Stanley or InTouch Ministries, stop by intouch.org. This podcast is a presentation of In Touch Ministries, Atlanta, Georgia.
