This Mental Shift Changed Me As A Caregver

This is Peter Rosenberger and one of the reasons I wrote my new book A Minute for Caregivers is because I remember the sinking, despairing feeling of struggling as a caregiver. No one knew what to say to me. I didn't understand and others didn't understand me.

For decades I foraged along and tried to find my path through this medical nightmare that Gracie and I have endured for nearly 40 years. And I've learned to speak the language of caregivers. I speak fluent caregiver. No pastor, no counselor, no medical provider, no friend should ever throw their hands up and say I don't know what to say to that caregiver.

Because I do. Give them a copy. This book is called A Minute for Caregivers when every day feels like Monday. They're easy to read, one minute chapters that speak directly to the heart of a caregiver and you can get them wherever books are sold. A Minute for Caregivers when every day feels like Monday. Friends don't let friends caregiver alone. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver. Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. You know obviously about last block of I ought to have a thing where you guys, y'all send us some lyrics for the song. Maybe we'll figure out which one's the best one and I'll get Gracie to sing it when she starts getting better.

What do you think? Because she said, Gracie was very worried. She said, look, I've got to get my voice into shape. I said, well, you got time, darling.

You're just now three months out of surgery. So, you know, give yourself a little bit of grace here. And yet that would be kind of fun to have her sing this song. This is the theme for Peter's show. All right, enough of that frivolity and jocularity. I've been having a conversation ongoing with several different caregivers in the midst of their caregiving and I've challenged them and I'm going to challenge you because I've challenged myself. I do not subscribe to this belief that we as caregivers wait until the circumstances of our loved ones change before we start changing.

You all know that if you've listened to this show for any amount of time, you're going to know that the point is that we change no matter what's going on around us, that we can improve, we can get healthier. And I recognize that we are constrained by our journey as caregivers. I get that. I really get that.

Now, let me give you some context. I've been a caregiver since I was 22. I asked Gracie to marry me when I was 22 years old. Bless her heart for her lack of judgment, but here we are 38 years later.

During that entire time I have been her caregiver. Now, some days have not been quite as dire as others and then some days have been extremely dire. I mean, when you have the kind of journey we've had. So at some point, and I can't remember exactly when, but I had to make a pivotal decision that this is not going to change. So therefore I must. I kept thinking if we could just get around that corner, if we could just get over that hill, then I could be settled and content and learn to be productive. This is what's holding me back. And so we've got to get through this and I would strive towards this. I'm not by any means proud of these things.

I mean, I'm horrifically embarrassed by it, but I'm sharing these things with you because I believe that so many of you have those same kind of feelings. If we could just get through this, if he would just stop doing this, if she would just stop doing this, if we could just get mama onto Jesus, if we could just if, if, if, if, if, then I could be productive. Then I could be at peace.

Then I could be successful. All of those things. Now, if I'm the only one that has had this internal conversation, so be it, but I don't think I am. All right. So if you've had this internal conversation, then I'm talking to you. Okay. This is, this is for you. This is just you and me now. Two people who have had these types of thoughts that have weighed heavy on us and it's changed our behavior.

It's forced us into a pattern of striving and, and, uh, unsettledness, unrest, angst that is at times overpowering. Okay. So just so we're on the same page, just you and me.

All right. Here's what happened with me. Once I made that decision that this is my life, this is the way it is. It's not going to change anytime soon. I cannot affect what has happened to Gracie.

I didn't cause it. I can't change it. All I can do is care for her in this. And the best way to care for her is to make sure that I am productive, healthy, spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, professionally, all of the above.

You've heard me say it now hundreds of times. Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. I am no good to Gracie if I'm fat, broken, miserable. I'm no good to Gracie if I stroke out.

I cannot guarantee that things won't happen to me, but I live my life in a way to, to protect that so that I don't take unnecessary risk. The other day I went out on a snowmobile after feeding the horses. I feed the horses on, I have a little sled that I pull behind the snowmobile and I feed the horses, pull the hay out there and it's quite enjoyable, I must say. And then I decided to take a ride around just to check out all the new snow and everything else here on the place. I texted our son and I said, look, if you don't hear from me in an hour, call the guy down the road. His name is Kevin. He'll come out and he'll come find me. And, uh, but I told him where I was going.

Well, now a lot of people don't think that way, but I have to. Gracie can't take care of herself right now and she needs to know where I am. Somebody needs to know where I am in case something happens.

Things can happen out here in Montana on the frozen tundra. Uh, you know, it's, there's no lifeguard on duty, so I don't take stupid chances. And then I came on back and then later that night, about six hours later, he said, Oh yeah, dad, sorry. I forgot to call.

Check on you. So I was like, well, I could have been out there just frozen in the creek. So when I go snowmobiling from now on, I'll make better arrangements to make sure somebody knows where I am. Uh, thanks Gray. But, uh, that's our son, but no, he's, he checked on me, but it was just a little bit later.

Those are little things. But the purpose of this conversation right now is not to say that I am constrained because I don't feel like I am. I am tethered. I am tethered to this situation with Gracie and I have been since I was 22.

That's not going to change until one of us steps into glory. Okay. Those are the, those are the facts.

We're just going to deal with facts. I am tethered to this, but I'm not hostage to it. I'm not prisoner to it. And I think this is the mindset that I would like for my fellow caregivers to understand is that we can accept that we're tethered, that this is part of it, but we're not hostage. And within the arc of that tether, whatever that looks like for you and me, we can be productive. So if you think about it is I have a tether to my ankle that's tethered to Gracie's wheelchair. That thing, I will stretch that thing out as far as I can to be as productive within that circle around her. And sometimes I have to move her so that I can have a bigger circle and I've done that and that's okay, but I'm not hostage. I don't spend my time trying to figure out how to cut the tether.

What I spend my time doing is how do I be productive given these particular realities in my life? That was a huge mental shift for me. Some people don't want to make that shift and I get it. Some people don't want to do that.

That's fine. But I believe that there are many of you who are seeking something like that, who recognize that you're in a situation that is unchangeable and you're tired of fighting, as Paul said, kicking against the bricks. I mean, you're just, you're just tired of it. And again, I've said this, I don't know how many times, I would love to tell you that I'm wise.

I would love to tell you that I'm spiritually mature, but we all know better. I'm just tired. It is exhausting to strive like this. And when you get tired enough, you will be open to look at this from a different perspective. Well, maybe this might be a better way to look at this, you know, whatever that looks like. And for me, that's exactly what happened.

And I realized that my invitation was to be productive where I was. I love Jeremiah 29. Everybody talks about Jeremiah 29, 11. And they say, well, I know the plans I have for you. And everybody talks about this blessing and blessing blessing you're going to get because God knows you, but they don't read the context. And I saw a Valentine pickup line for a bad theology pickup lines. The guy was asking, the girl says, is your name context? Cause I'd like to take you out. You don't take you out of context. I thought that was funny.

All right. I digress. However, in Jeremiah 29, if you go back and read it, God is saying through Jeremiah, Hey, look, I put you here.

The Israelites were in captivity in Babylon. And he said, you're not here to sit there and lament about this. Build your house, plant your vineyards, get married, have kids, have grandkids.

I know where you are. I know the plans I have for you, but you're going to stay right here until I'm ready to move you. Preachers don't want to talk about that particular aspect, unless they're having overcrowding problems at the church, because that's when people start to leave. Nobody wants to hear that. They want to hear God's going to get me out and give me my victory, give me my breakthrough. He's already given you your breakthrough.

That was at the cross. Now we're going to have some more understanding about this and that you can be productive right where you are, even as a caregiver. And I will give you proof. I've been a caregiver again, since I was 22. I've written four books, published books. I've written hundreds of commentaries that have been published in Fox news, web MD, USA today, AARP, all kinds of stuff. I have the nation's largest podcast for caregivers.

I think from what I understand the world's largest podcast. I have the world's largest broadcast here on this network for family caregivers. I have managed a medical nightmare that is well over now, $15 million with a hundred plus doctors, 13 different hospitals, seven different insurance companies, and it's ongoing.

It's relentless. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry. I can, I iron, you know, y'all know I love to iron. I love to iron.

I ironed a shirt this morning just to be able to come here to do this program. I have produced two full-length CDs. I've written songs that not only have Gracie and I performed, but other people have recorded.

I have performed on stages with Gracie all over the country, on national television, all the above. And I've done all of that while a caregiver. Now, is it because I'm so special?

I don't think so. It's because I choose to believe the principle we discussed in the last block when that guy said at the caregiver support group, he's got this. Answer the question, deal with the reality in front of us, knowing that he's got this and it frees me up. I don't have to strive over figuring out how this is going to all make sense. I don't have to figure out how to solve Gracie's amputation problem or chronic pain problem or surgery problem.

I don't have to figure that out. I could be productive today. I don't have to wait to get over to the next hill.

I can do something today that has value, trusting that God's got this and it's okay. Do you realize the burden that takes off of all of us? And so I challenge you. Many of you feel constrained and I get that feeling. I truly get it.

I truly get it. But what would happen if you just shifted that thought process just a little and thought, maybe I'm not constrained. Maybe I'm just tethered. But inside this arc, God knows where I am and I could be productive and trust him with all the other. I could be obedient right where I am.

I can bloom right where I'm planted. And that is hope for the caregiver. This is Peter Roethlisberger.

We'll be right back. You've heard me talk about standing with hope over the years. This is the prosthetic limb ministry that Gracie envisioned after losing both of her legs. Part of that outreach is our prosthetic limb recycling program. Did you know that prosthetic limbs can be recycled?

No kidding. There is a correctional facility in Arizona that helps us recycle prosthetic limbs. And this facility is run by a group out of Nashville called Core Civic. We met them over 11 years ago and they stepped in to help us with this recycling program of taking prostheses and you disassemble them. You take the knee, the foot, the pylon, the tube clamps, the adapters, the screws, the liners, the prosthetic socks, all these things we can reuse and inmates help us do it. Before Core Civic came along, I was sitting on the floor at our house or out in the garage when we lived in Nashville and I had tools everywhere, limbs everywhere and feet, boxes of them and so forth.

And I was doing all this myself and I'd make the kids help me and it got to be too much for me. And so I was very grateful that Core Civic stepped up and said, look, we are always looking for faith-based programs that are interesting and that give inmates a sense of satisfaction and we'd love to be a part of this. And that's what they're doing. And you can see more about that at standingwithhope.com slash recycle. So please help us get the word out that we do recycle prosthetic limbs. We do arms as well, but the majority of amputations are lower limb and that's where the focus of Standing With Hope is. That's where Gracie's life is with her lower limb prosthesis. And she's used some of her own limbs in this outreach that she's recycled. I mean, she's been an amputee for over 30 years.

So you go through a lot of legs and parts and other types of materials and you can reuse prosthetic socks and liners if they're in good shape. All of this helps give the gift that keeps on walking. And it goes to this prison in Arizona where it's such an extraordinary ministry.

Think with that. Inmates volunteering for this. They want to do it. And they've had amazing times with it and I've had very moving conversation with the inmates that work in this program. And you can see, again, all of that at standingwithhope.com slash recycle. They're putting together a big shipment right now for us to ship over. We do this pretty regularly throughout the year as inventory rises and they need it badly in Ghana. So please go out to standingwithhope.com slash recycle and get the word out and help us do more. If you want to offset some of the shipping, you can always go to the giving page and be a part of what we're doing there.

We're purchasing material in Ghana that they have to use that can't be recycled. We're shipping over stuff that can be. And we're doing all of this to lift others up and to point them to Christ. And that's the whole purpose of everything that we do. And that is why Gracie and I continue to be standing with hope. Standingwithhope.com Take my hand. Lean on me. We will stay.