You Can't Make This Stuff Up

What do you say to a caregiver?

How do you help a caregiver? I was talking to this billing agent at the doctor's office and said, how are you feeling? And she said, oh great It's Friday. And before I could catch myself, I said Friday means nothing to me. Every day is Monday. And I felt kind of ashamed of that and I'm sorry for that, but I realized that whole principle of every day is Monday. What that means for us as caregivers, we know that this is going to be a challenging day. And I wrote these one-minute chapters.

You literally could read them in one minute. And I'm really proud of this book. It's called A Minute for Caregivers, When Every Day Feels Like Monday. It's filled with bedrock principles that we as caregivers can lean on, that we can depend upon to get us to safety, where we can catch our breath, take a knee if we have to, and reorient our thinking and the weight that we carry on our shoulders. If you don't know what to say to a caregiver, don't worry about it.

I do. Give them this book. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver. Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

Hopeforthecaregiver.com. One of the things that I've experienced in my life in dealing with disabilities, there are of course very touching moments, very profound moments, tearful moments, hilarious moments. You know, by the way, is it okay to laugh? Absolutely. It's okay to laugh. It's life. And we're going to have those things.

We're going to learn from those things. And I've heard for a lifetime when I recount some of the stories that Gracie and I have had, you can't make this stuff up. Well, you can't.

And nor should you try, by the way. And if you spend any time in the disability special needs world, you're going to realize that this is just life. It's just life. And you live it. And you live it with gusto. You live it with excitement. You live it with passion.

Yeah, we're going to live it with tears, but we also live it with laughter. And today I'm very thrilled to have a wonderful guest on the program. She's got a new book that's called You Can't Make This Stuff Up, Life Lessons from Special Kids. And this is Deborah Laneville. She's been a teacher, special needs teacher, for over 40 years. I fell in love with the title for the book, and I invited Deborah to come on the program. There are a lot of people in this audience who have special needs children, and they feel somewhat isolated, somewhat embarrassed, somewhat despairing. They feel a lot of feelings. I've got family members with special needs children, and I've talked with so many who deal with everything from autism to cerebral palsy to spina bifida to just name it.

It's out there. And I thought, let's hear from someone who has been in this world as a teacher. Because if there's one thing that we need as caregivers, it's assurance from somebody who has experience. And so I'm thrilled to welcome Deborah to the program today. Deborah Laneville, and her new book is You Can't Make This Stuff Up, Life Lessons from Special Kids. Deborah, welcome to the program, and tell me what inspired a teacher of 42 years to write this book. Well, thank you so much for having me today.

I really appreciate it. Probably my second year of teaching, I started off teaching kids with emotional disabilities, and there were just crazy things that happened all the time. And somebody said, you should write a book. And in the back of my mind, I thought, well, maybe I will. So when I retired, I taught for 42 years. And when I retired, I thought, okay, this is it. I actually started it years ago. But then I got serious about it when I retired.

And I thought, okay, this needs to be done. And it kind of started off as a memoir and had different stories of different kids. But as it evolved, I realized I've learned life lessons from these kids. So some of the stories are hilarious. Some of them are gut wrenching.

Some of them are amazing. And all of these kids, I realized, taught me and can teach all of us life lessons. So at the end, I wrap it up with 10 life lessons that I learned from these kids. And I realized that it was more than a memoir, it was more of a way to give back to parents to celebrate these kids, and to let future teachers know kind of what they had in store. I realized, I realized that this was more than a memoir of a teacher that I had life lessons from these kids that I learned that I wanted to share with everyone, because we can all learn life lessons from these kids. So I wrap up the book with 10 life lessons that I learned and want to share with people.

Share with me one of those right now, just what's the first one that comes to your mind? Well, when you said use humor, like I would use humor all the time in my class. I would laugh with the kids and we would celebrate things and just be silly. So one of the 10 things is use humor. And I think both as caregivers, as teachers, as parents, we can all benefit from the gift of humor.

I'm counting on it. My wife doesn't always appreciate it very much, but I've kind of got it. I mean, I grew up with four brothers and a sister, so we had a large family. And when you have a family that big, humor is a big part of it. We're loud, we're sarcastic, you know, to this day, we're that way. But humor is a big part of that. And I think humor has helped Gracie and I deal with some harsh challenges.

A lot of parents with special needs children feel awkward about that at the beginning, but it doesn't take too long to grow into it. Realize that, you know what, this is our family. This is our life. We're going to laugh.

We're going to have a good time and do these things. Do you find resistance with that, with humor, with other parents and other people when you're dealing with special needs? Not really, because I always made it clear that my intent was to celebrate and honor these kids and never be disparaging in any way. One girl I had, her dad told me sarcasm is her second language. And she was just funny. She was a girl with autism. And she was, I just found her really funny. Do you feel that, well, what's another one besides humor?

Let's go with that. What's another one besides humor? Okay, so there's different types of intelligence and kids with special needs may not score well on a task, but they certainly have gifts to share and different types of intelligence. And I think everybody does, as anybody who's taken any classes about that knows. And you have to really value what each person can bring to the table, to learning that it may not be knowing your times table, but maybe you're the kid who can really read people well and be very aware of situations.

You know, I've got a buddy of mine whose son is 40 something years old with Down syndrome. And one of the things he talks about his son often is that how wise he is. He's a wise soul. Does that resonate with you? Absolutely.

And there's kids. One girl I called my goodwill ambassador. If you looked at her medical conditions on paper, it might look kind of grim, but she was the most welcoming, loving girl and I called her my goodwill ambassador because she would welcome anyone in our room and celebrate them and she would remember their names and, and just bring so much joy. What's another life lesson that surprised you that even kids, no matter how much of a disability they have, if they can be in a position to help other people, they not only rise to the occasion and do it, but they help themselves too. So the ability to be a helper themselves is a huge bonus for everybody.

It makes them feel better about themselves and they truly can help other people. Now I got to ask you, what did you teach for 42 years? Well, I taught from kindergarten through high school, even though when I graduated from college, I said, the one area I won't teach is middle school.

Most of my time was spent teaching middle school and I ended up loving it. The reason I'm asking is, did you edit your own book? Were you an English teacher?

I was not. I was always a special ed teacher. I mean, I edited my editing and edited.

That's part of the process. I was not the best English student. As a teacher, you would be aghast at my performance in school. I remember the first time I turned my first manuscript into the editor and it came back with so much red ink on it that I thought I'd been stabbed.

I don't know if you had the same issue. You would not, of course, because you're a superb teacher. But I think it's always fun to watch teachers have to go under the same kind of constraints that the rest of us do. Absolutely. Was this your first book? It is. It is. I have a website.

It's called SpecialLessons.com. And one of the blog things I talked about was you have to have thick skin. So the ability to say, well, that's not the way to say it.

Let's think of a different way to say it. I mean, that was you know, I was good in English and I thought, you know, I was a pretty good writer, but it looked like I had to go back to comma school sometimes. Oh, commas and I have had a very difficult relationship and run on sentences. And I wrote in passive voice all the time. And it was just like, oh, so I've had some good tutors and some good, good folks that have editors have come along, given me some great advice as a writer and helped me polish it up.

But was it fun? Did you enjoy the writing experience? I did. I really did. There were times that I would write about something that was difficult and I really had to take a break and maybe take a walk. And I would really kind of sit and think, OK, God, give me the strength to say this the right way and give honor to this person and dignity. And, you know, I want to say it. The correct way.

You know, there are parts. I mean, I had kids, sadly, that passed away. And, you know, how to explain that I taught during 9-11 and how to explain that to kids who have special needs or even the challenge. You know, way back, I taught 42 years. So the challenger, when that happened, kids thought something would happen to their family. So we had to really regroup and really had to think. You know, you were teaching when Reagan was shot, when the pope was shot. The challenger, of course, 9-11.

The first Gulf War. I mean, there was a lot happening in the world. And special needs children, you know, they're looking to you saying, OK, are we OK?

Are we going to be OK? And that's a very good question for them. It is. It is. I'm curious on your response and I tell you what I'm going to do. I want to take a quick break and I want to come back and I want you to tell me some of those responses that you had and some more things that you've learned about this. This is Deborah Laneville and she wrote the new book. It's called You Can't Make This Stuff Up. This book just came out and it's called Life Lessons from Special Kids.

You can't make this stuff up. Oh, and her website is SpecialLessons.com. SpecialLessons.com. We'll be right back with more of our conversation with author and longtime teacher Deborah Laneville. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver. Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

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This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver, and this is a special interview for me to be able to have Deborah Laneville on the show to talk about her new book called You Can't Make This Up, Life Lessons from Special Kids. I've got a lot of folks in this audience who have special needs children, and I want Deborah to be here today just to be able to talk to you as somebody who has taught special needs kids for a lifetime.

And we were talking about it just for the break of all the big life events that happen when these kids with special needs are in school. Well, who do you think they're looking to? They're looking to their teacher, and they're confused, they're scared, they're nervous. I have a theory, Deborah, that the vast majority of us, if not all of us, at our core need, we cry out for assurance.

We just want to be assured that it's going to be okay, that this thing is just not going to go off the cliff. And I imagine as you're looking in the faces of these precious children that you've taught for a lifetime, over and over, just so many different faces come to your mind that there were times when they were very frightened. And they look to you not to teach them how to do a particular academic skill, but just to be an assuring voice and face to let them know that they're loved and cared for.

Is that a fair assessment? Absolutely. And I would always try to point out to them to look for the helpers. That was kind of like my catchphrase with them. Because you're right, they did need assurance. And they did need to just know life would go on and we would kind of sally forth with our activities. If they needed a little break, they could take a break. Sometimes it would just be let's take a walk and just try to regroup. Sometimes let's go get a drink of water.

Let's make a picture. Let's think about all of our blessings, all the wonderful things that we do have and we're so happy that we do have. I think about that message and how consistent it is throughout all of Scripture.

Just think about the provisions that we have. It's hard to be afraid when you're grateful, isn't it? Absolutely.

You've got the humor and other things. What's another poignant lesson that you've learned from this book? What's another one that comes to your mind? Sometimes music is the way to connect.

Kids, a lot of different people. I've seen people in nursing homes that come alive with music. So music is a big connection for a lot of people. Hans Christian Andersen once said, when words fail, music speaks.

Right. And I've always loved that quote. It's a way to just really stress, too. We would always start our day with music. And music was a great way to teach math or English or even during COVID.

How to wash your hands out at a lot of things. Music is a great way to connect for kids. So using the use of music. And I saw that so much with my kids. Well, I still remember Schoolhouse Rock when I was a kid.

Absolutely. And I can still remember it now as a person, place or thing. That's more than a couple of years ago, by the way.

And I still remember it. Do you play any musical instruments? I played clarinet and I was in choir. I have a son who writes his own music and plays guitar.

That's the one that we just visited in Okinawa. Did you bring your clarinet to class? I did not. But I sang a lot to him. I taught kindergarten. Kindergarten kids love to hear you sing. By middle school, it's more of a threat of, you know, if you don't do this, I'm going to sing to you. Well, I've used that threat myself. I married a singer so that I didn't have to.

And the hearing world was grateful. Well, I want to ask, I want to pivot just a bit in the little bit of time we have left here. What are your thoughts as you look across the landscape of our country? This is a loaded question and you can feel free to dodge it however you want. What are your thoughts as you see the school structures and settings in our country? I mean, 42 years you spent as a teacher, predominantly, from what I understand, in special needs.

But you saw firsthand what's going on in our schools. What are your thoughts? What are your concerns? What are your hopes?

What are your inspirations? Well, I still have a lot of hope because I think as time has gone on, we've come to realize there's a lot of different needs. We've identified different abilities and disabilities that we never knew existed and how to deal with those and how. So I really do.

I'm an eternal optimist. I like to think that, you know, that we are moving forward, that especially in terms of special education, that there's more opportunities for kids. There's more inclusion and awareness. And that's part of what I wanted to bring with my book is an awareness for kids with disabilities. You know, I look back in the 70s when we had Welcome Back, Kotter, for kids that had, you know, learning issues.

And it was a punch line. And I look at the advancement in special needs education, the integration in mainstreaming kids so that they're not just sequestered over somewhere, but they get to participate in school with others and benefit from that participation. And you've watched all of this over your lifetime. You've seen massive changes. Absolutely.

When I first started teaching in the 70s, it was called PL 94142. And it was like the law for disabilities, that kids with disabilities deserved an education, a free and appropriate public education. And now it's evolved even more and to be more inclusive. Our world is more inclusive and places are handicap accessible and there's more awareness in our world.

So it's definitely, I think, changes for the better. As a teacher, as a special needs teacher, young parents who find out that their child is diagnosed with something or is born with some challenges, whatever. What are some things that you would like those young parents to know? That they do have support, that they're not alone. I don't want them to feel isolated and hopeless, that they can connect with a lot of support groups. You probably sit across a table or a desk from some very teary parents, I would imagine.

Yes, I have. I remember when I was teaching kindergarten, I taught in a parochial school and I knew right away this little girl had autism and it kind of crushed their hopes and dreams to realize that. But I said, you know, this, we need to get her to a school that is better equipped for her needs and meets her needs better. And it was hard for the parents at first, but then came to realize that that's what needed to be done. So I think it's important that they know that there's support, but I think they need to have support for themselves, too, to help them know that they need to take some time for themselves to either find a blog or a podcast or, you know, your things that you do are wonderful. I mean, the caregiver support is so important for those people. When you get a bad diagnosis or you have an event, there are so many different conflicting feelings that come over people. Parents that bring a child into this world with special needs feel enormously guilty for bringing this child in.

Then they feel all types of conflicting feelings as this child grows or, you know, when you have a loved one, whatever the scenario is, there's always this barrage of very difficult feelings. I love the fact that you've been able to kind of gently shepherd these special needs parents to a place where, you know, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Life is still great. Life is still beautiful.

Life is still exciting. And look at their strengths. I always like to start an IEP meeting, the individual education meeting that you have yearly with celebrating what that child can do instead of what that child is lacking. Like their gifts that they could share. What is a child story that you look back on today, even still today, with just utter amazement at what happened with the success of this child?

There's a lot of them. I always love to know what happens after they leave my class, when they become adults, like what they're doing today. One time, I was getting my hair cut and this young man says, Mrs. Laneville. And I look around and it's a student that I had in my class. And I didn't recognize him at first, but he knew what I looked like.

And he had his own lawn care business. And he said, I still remember that Matthew taught me. So, you know, that just as a teacher, that's like, you know, the best.

As we have this conversation, you know, and I'm watching your face just beam, you could tell where your heart is. Do you, what do you do now? Now that you've retired, do you, besides write a new book, do you consult? Do you offer, do you kind of mentor younger teachers or what's next for you?

I still sub once in a while. I still like to go back and connect with kids. I'm trying to reach out to colleges realizing that this book would be a great tool for kids going into special education or even education at all. A great tool for them because there's lessons in there I wish I would have known. I mean, I talk about stuff they don't teach in school, like how to respond, what to do.

The holistic approach of parents and how to deal with them, you know, to support them. So that's what I would like to do is reach out to colleges. Well, I hope that we can be a small part of helping you do that through this program and that we can also connect you up with a lot of parents and grandparents and pastors and Sunday school teachers at churches, because I think churches tend to be, sadly, a little bit behind when it comes to special needs Sunday school.

Yeah, that's true. And I would like to see that change. I would like to see our churches be a place that has great understanding of special needs families.

And I think we have the mandate to do that. I remember going into a bank that I banked at in Nashville. We lived in Nashville and they had a sign there that said this is an autism friendly zone or whatever.

And I knew there had to be a story behind that. And they said that when parents come in and they have child with autism, that sometimes the child can be overwhelmed by the sensory stuff that's going on. And so they're trained.

They have special toys and a quiet room where the child could go to. And I thought, you know, we as Christians ought to have that for our churches and things such as that. So I hope you can be that voice of gentle shepherding. How's that? Is that a good description of you? Well, listen, this has been a real treat for me. And I know the audience is just delighted to hear from you. You are a very soothing voice of assurance to families who are probably a little bit edgy with the child with special needs and they tend to be a little bit more nervous about things. And you are a calming voice to that. So thank you for sharing that. Thank you, Peter. The book is called You Can't Make This Stuff Up Life Lessons from Special Kids. The author is Deborah Laneville, special needs teacher for 42 years and a delightful guest here on the program today. The website is SpecialLessons.com. This is Peter Rosenberger. We'll be right back.