In Times Like These

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Go to truthnetwork.com or call 855-573-7351. Let's bring the living water to the world. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberg, this is the program for you as a family caregiver. How are you feeling? How are you doing?

What's going on with you? Hopeforthecaregiver.com. If you want to be a part of the program, if you've got something you want to say, you want to let me know, you want us to talk about, whatever's on your heart, go out to Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

There's a little form there. Send it to me. It comes right to me, and we can talk about that on the program or however you choose to communicate. Also, there's so many resources out there. Please take advantage of the podcast. It's free. There's music out there.

There's blog posts, books, and so forth. Please take advantage of this. It's hard enough to be a family caregiver. There's no point in doing it all by yourself. So let's get some help for each of us. And that's how we do it as caregivers. Friends don't let friends care give alone, and healthy caregivers make better caregivers. When you get bad news, when you get a terrible diagnosis in your family with a loved one, how do you handle this? What do you do knowing that this is not going to have the fairytale ending that you'd like, and you're faced with a terminal issue, some type of illness that has come about, and all of a sudden, okay, this got real, real quick. Well, my guest today, Kate Dresden, understands this, and she's got a book out, a new book. It's called In Times Like These, 30 mini devotionals for those with a loved one facing terminal illness. And she brings her experience to this and some insights she learned along the way. She's been a writer for some time and has walked through this journey and decided to put it down and offer a path to fellow caregivers who also walked down this terminal illness path that leads all the way to the cemetery. For us as caregivers, it's a hard topic, but she's done this with the intent of pointing us to Christ through this. So Kate, welcome to the program. Thank you.

It's good to be here. I did have a hard time dealing with my brother's diagnosis and terminal illness, as everyone does. He was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when he was 50, and he dealt with that for two years before he passed away.

It came out of the blue. It was a shock to all of us because he was one of those people who was always healthy, never sick. And even though I wasn't his caregiver that took care of him day in and day out like his wife did, I felt like any time you have someone that you love that is facing a terminal illness, you are heartbroken, you need hope and encouragement. And all of those who loved my brother needed that, whether it was his pastor or friends or his extended family. I think that anytime you deal with terminal illness, you have people that are needing hope and encouragement.

Did you find that a lot of people tried to figure out why this was happening to him? Well, you know, there's the question that everybody asks, why do bad things happen to good people? And we know from the Bible that bad things happen because we live in a fallen world. And a lot of people do try to say things like, oh, you know, this is God's will, and this is for the best, and this is what he was supposed to go through.

And all of those things are true, but it's very difficult to hear when it's your loved one. Yeah, how did that make you feel when you heard? Because those things are very cliche and they're really platitudes that people come up because they don't know what else to say, so they say something like that.

How did that make you feel as somebody watching this from the inside out now? Well, I was devastated because I knew I was going to lose my brother, so to hear someone say it's God's will is hard to hear. You feel so helpless because you can't change anything, and you feel so upset because your whole world is kind of turned upside down and someone reduces it to a short little phrase or something that that's supposed to make you feel better, or that's supposed to all of a sudden make you say, okay, well, I guess that's true, and then you go on. It's a very difficult thing, but I don't fault people for saying those types of things because so many times people just don't know what to say, and they're really trying. They have a good intent.

They are trying, and they do have a good intent, but I do fault them because it's rather annoying and can be downright heartbreaking to people. One of my favorite verses in Scripture is Job 2 13 where it says, his friends came and sat with him quietly for seven days because they saw his suffering was great, and they didn't say anything for seven days, and I thought, wow, that's, I can't imagine a lot of people not say anything for seven minutes, and so when you've got to, and that's one of the reasons I wanted to have you on the program because, okay, you walked through this with your family, with your brother, and you decided to turn this into something different, with having devotionals specifically gearing this in your book, and if you don't know what to say, okay, well, here's somebody who has walked through this and can give us some thoughts on how to say something and how to approach something. You know, one of the things I love, Kate, in the Jewish shiva, when you have the sitting shiva, when you are with the bereaved, they're sitting there in a chair, and you don't initiate the conversation. You wait for them to say something to you, and then one of the things you can do that's proactive is you put their hand in yours and then put your other hand on top of theirs, and it just assures them of your presence there. You don't have to, you're not saying anything, you're just, you're being with them. Did you find that that was the case with you, where those meaningful exchanges happened, where people would just be with you?

Did you find that? Yes, not a lot of people can do that very comfortably or very graciously, because sometimes it's awkward for people, but I found at church praying with other believers was very comforting, and knowing that they are trying to support you on your journey, that I think during our church prayer times, we're the most comforting when you have other believers that are just surrounding you with prayer. I also had someone who gave me some great advice, and they told me that instead of letting the hard times bring bitterness to my heart, to make sure that I found thankfulness, because the Bible tells us that we need to be thankful in all circumstances, and this kind of a circumstance is very hard to be thankful for what you're going through. But someone said that to me, and I never forgot that, and I thought, you know, I'm not going to make what I feel create bitterness in my heart. So I thought, I need to come up with a list of things that I can be thankful for or grateful for throughout this trial. And so I tried to find things that I could focus on. Instead of focusing on the years that I wasn't going to have with my brother or the years I felt like maybe he was cheated out of, I decided to be thankful for all the years I did have with him and be thankful that I had childhood memories with my brother that others didn't have that experience.

Those types of things, trying to focus on the things that I did have instead of the things that I wouldn't have or been cheated from, if that makes sense. It does make sense, and I think that it does reflect, again, the things of scripture, to be grateful. And it's hard to be depressed and angry when you're filled with gratitude and appreciation. And, you know, people think, well, you know, that should be good, but you know, people think, well, that's just positive thinking. No, I don't think that's too trite. That's limiting. That's going back to what you said earlier.

It's a limiting phrase to say, well, that's just positive thinking. No, I think it's important for us to recognize the truth of the situation, accepting that, yes, this is painful, but there are also other things in here. What are some other things that you found through this journey that changed the way you looked at it and gave you the wherewithal to walk all the way to the cemetery with this? I think that it was really important that I separated faith from feelings. Feelings, as you know, go up and down.

They change every day. And with a trial that is so emotionally packed, there are a lot of feelings, whether it's anger or depression or all the whole spectrum. But I learned through it that faith is more important than feelings and that our faith is certain and feelings aren't.

Plus, feelings can be deceitful sometimes. But faith tells us that our God is sovereign because He holds all things together, the Bible says. And I found that God's ways are, of course, higher than our ways and that always God's plan brings Him glory. I think of the Bible passage about Lazarus and Jesus knew that Lazarus was going to die and He knew that He was going to raise him. But yet He was still sad. He was sad that he lost Lazarus, that he had to go through this and he was sorry that Mary and Martha were going through it. And he was so upset about it that he wept, the Bible tells us. And that just says that even though there are times where bad things happen, God has a bigger picture. He had a bigger picture that He knew He was going to bring Lazarus back from the dead and He was going to bring His Father glory. And that's important to remember, too.

Faith says there's a bigger picture in this plan. How did your brother, did he respond to these things as well? I mean, how did he deal with this? You know, my brother and I didn't speak about these types of spiritual things with each other. And so, I'm not sure how, I never discussed how I was dealing with it. When I spent time with him, we never talked about those types of things. But I know that I never heard him complain in the whole two years of what he was going through. I never saw him depressed or in times of, you know, hard things that he was going through. He always portrayed to me that he believed in Jesus and he knew that Jesus was taking care of him.

And that spoke volumes. Even though he never said those words to me, it spoke volumes and it gave me encouragement of the type of Christian he was and the faith that he had in God helped me to be encouraged and want to be like that, to be as strong as he was. That's extraordinary that he was at peace with this. A lot of people are not and they become very bitter, they become despairing and so forth.

But clearly, he didn't choose to do those things. And we're going to talk a little bit here in the next segment about some of the devotionals that you wrote to walk through this and grieve through this. I've said many times on this program, and Jesus said, blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Well, we can't mourn if we're too busy raging out and despairing.

And mourning means accepting what it is and grieving over it. We're going to talk a little bit more about that with Kate Dresden. Her new book is called In Times Like These, 30 Mini Devotionals for Those with a Loved One Facing Terminal Illness. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope the caregiver. We'll be right back.

Hey, this is Peter Rosenberger. Have you ever helped somebody walk for the first time? I've had that privilege many times through our organization, Standing with Hope. When my wife Gracie gave up both of her legs following this horrible wreck that she had as a teenager. And she tried to save them for years, and it just wouldn't work out. And finally, she relinquished them and thought, wow, this is it. I mean, I don't have any legs anymore.

What can God do with that? And then she had this vision for using prosthetic limbs as a means of sharing the gospel, to put legs on her fellow amputees. And that's what we've been doing now since 2005 with Standing with Hope.

We work in the West African country of Ghana. And you can be a part of that through supplies, through supporting team members, through supporting the work that we're doing over there. You could designate a limb. There's all kinds of ways that you could be a part of giving the gift that keeps on walking at standingwithhope.com. Would you take a moment to go out to standingwithhope.com and see how you can give.

They go walking and leaping and praising God. You can be a part of that at standingwithhope.com. I'm Peter Rosenberger, and this is your caregiver minute in the caregiving journey. We daily encounter high drama moments, and they can really wear on us. Some of those drama moments may be from our loved one.

Others might be from friends and family or the medical community. And sometimes those high drama moments come internally as we mentally slap ourselves around over things we wish we had done better or wish we'd not done at all. You know, we're not going to eliminate all of those moments, but we can reduce them by asking one simple question. How important is this? See, that's the question. When we ask how important is this, it gives us and others an opportunity to prioritize and even detach from the circumstances so we can determine, is this really a crisis? Or maybe this is something we can just let go. How important is it for us to be calmer caregivers?

And we can answer that one right now together. It's vitally important. This has been your caregiver minute with Peter Rosenberger, brought to you by Standing with Hope. There's more information at standingwithhope.com. Welcome back to Hope with a Caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver. How are you feeling? How are you doing?

What's going on with you? You know, you're in a much better position to be a source of help and encouragement and strength to others if your head space and your heart space are healthier. Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. And part of being healthier is to learn to accept certain realities with peace, even with tears rolling down your face, but with acceptance of knowing that he who began a good work is faithful to complete it. This is the beauty we have as believers that we can share with the world if we understand it ourselves. We're not going to be immune to the things of this world that are broken and fallen. And that's what brings our guest today, Kate Dresden, onto the program with her new book.

It's called In Times Like These. Thirty mini devotionals for those with a loved one facing terminal illness. And she walked through this with her brother and she had to observe it going through. Now his wife was the up close personal caregiver on day to day, but Kate walked through this with it. And she watched it and she struggled with her own questions and her own journey of trusting God with this.

And she has written about this and then sharing her heart. Kate, tell me something that surprised you about this journey for yourself that you didn't expect maybe on your own walk or whatever, something that just stood out as a surprise. Well, I felt like God was with me every step of the way and he was patient even when I questioned or I didn't understand or I didn't like his answers. One thing I learned is that all of us, our days were ordained before one of them comes to be, the Bible tells us. So all of us are not promised long lives with health or wealth or any of that. God has ordained us each for a specific amount of time on this earth and I just feel like I never looked at it like that before. That I always looked if someone died young, I just thought, well, they should have lived or it would have been better if they would have lived a full life.

But it's not that way. God has chosen something different for each of us and I never really realized that or thought much about it until I lost my brother at such a young age. And that was kind of surprising to me, but it helps when looking at the world and accepting what God brings into your life, whether it's chronic illness or a terminal illness or other problems that come into your life.

God has made your life unique and has given you this plan that he has for your life and he will always bring glory from it. So I'm thankful for that and that kind of changed my outlook when my brother got his terminal illness. And I could see that because those are things we hear from a distance of suffering, but when it's up close and personal, we have to wrap our arms around that, wrap our minds around that as best as we can to recognize his sovereignty and his goodness, even when facing such a harshness. I've maintained also for a long time that caregiving doesn't stop at the cemetery, that the impact of being a caregiver can last for a very long time, long after the grass is growing over the grave. Is that a fair statement to make for you and your sister-in-law?

I would totally agree. The death is one part of it, but even afterwards, there's a lot to process. There's a lot to learn. You can see things much clearer when someone goes through something like that after the death. There is still much that you learn, even though you're not actively going through that particular situation. And I found that to be true and that's why I didn't write the devotional book for probably five years after my brother's death, because I could see things a lot clearer in hindsight than I could while you were going through it as well. It takes a while to percolate, doesn't it, just to kind of settle in you to really see some principles and precepts. I think sometimes we rush too fast into some of these things, and I think it needs to settle in our spirits for a while.

It sounds like that's what it did with you. What is a devotional that you'd like? We don't have a huge amount of time here, but can you share at least one of them or at least the concept of one of them that you wanted to write about in this book?

Sure. I talk about, in one devotional, about how God cares about our hurt. And of course the Bible tells us, I believe it's Psalm 34 18, that he is close to the broken hearted. And he also says in another Psalm's verse, I believe it's 56 8, he talks about how he keeps track of all of our tears.

Why does he do that? He does that because he cares about us, and he cares about what makes us cry or what's going on in our hearts. And I just find that so comforting that the God of all creation, so powerful, cares about what we care about. And that is very comforting when you're going through something like this and you're watching a loved one suffer and die. It's just so difficult. And God is right there and close to the broken hearted.

You can't get better than that. What would you like to say to those right now who are dealing with this, a terminal illness with their loved one? They know what's going to happen. They've got in the news, you know, and I can think of a few people right now who are dealing with this reality with cancer diagnosis and so forth.

What would you like to tell them? I would say that there is hope and there's peace and strength that God gives through this time. He tells us in his word, he gives us so many promises.

And I really believe that the scripture has to be the foundation that you stand on each day, because that's the only way to get through this very difficult time. And that he will provide the peace. He tells us, peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.

Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled nor let it be fearful. And God is there to help us and to minister to our hearts.

And I think that's an important thing to remember. You know, as you said that scripture, he says, peace I give to you, not as the world gives. And I'm trying to think, what kind of peace does the world give? And I think sometimes in a case like this, when you've had somebody with a, in your brother's case, he had brain cancer, the world's peace often looks like, the world's peace often looks like, well, at least he's not suffering now. You know, his suffering is over. That's not really peace.

In the world's eyes, that's really more like oblivion. And there's no, it's no different than a euthanasia type of thing, or putting down a hurting animal. But the hope of the gospel, Jesus said, I'm giving you peace that's much different than this.

I'm giving you something else. Peace that he's not, at least he's not suffering from Christ's perspective and where your heart is, is that he's with him now. He's not only not suffering, he is in the place with the one. And did you find that that was, that that still anchors you as you even hear those words now, knowing that your brother's with the savior that he trusted and that you can trust that same savior as well for yourself and, and for your friends and other loved ones that remain. Talk a little bit about that.

That's right. And we have such a hope. The Bible tells us that we will be reunited with them when we all get to heaven. And so I don't have to wonder, I know that I will join him and we will be together again, but even more so just to hope that there is more to this life.

And even though he had just 52 short years on this earth, it doesn't, it doesn't matter in the biggest picture because heaven is our home. And that's where, that's where we all want to be. This world has nothing for us. Our citizenship is in heaven, the Bible says. And that's, that's where our hope is. That's where peace comes and that's where that strength is that we know we have something better for us. And that God is in control of all of that.

It's a wonderful thing. I want to leave you with a quote. I want you to respond to it in the context of what you've walked through and what you've written. That's from Alexander Solzhenitsyn, who was in a Russian gulag for many, many, many years. And he said, bless you prison, bless you for being in my life for there lying upon the rotting prison straw. I came to realize I came to realize that the object of life is not prosperity as we are made to believe, but the maturity of the human soul.

How does that grab you when you hear that? Yeah, that's very good because our eyes should be fixed on God and His promises for us, not on what this earth has to offer, whether that's wealth or a great job title or killing a million books or anything that the world has to offer, our eyes and whatever we go through should always be focused on Him and the promises that He gives. For there is no greater, there's nothing greater in this world but God. Well said.

And I appreciate you bringing that. The book is titled In Times Like These, 30 Mini Devotionals. And I like the word mini on there, by the way, too, Kate, because a lot of times in the throes of this stuff, you don't want to read these long treatises of people that do that. Just something simple, 30 mini devotionals for those with a loved one facing terminal illness. And we talked about that at the beginning of this interview when you said a lot of people don't know what to say, but here's a starting point, what Kate has done through her new book, and it's available. Go out to Amazon and get the book, In Times Like These, Kate Dresden. And if maybe you know somebody who is dealing with this with a family member, it makes a great gift.

If you don't know what to say, listen to those who have done it and are saying it. Kate, thank you for being a part of the program today. I really do appreciate it. Thank you. This is Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger, hopeforthecaregiver.com. We'll see you next time.