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March 24, 2021 3:00 am
How we deal with fear remains one of the bigger challenges for family caregivers. All too often, our loneliness and isolation foster so many dark thoughts and fears that we can become paralyzed ...or worse.
In this special episode, John and I delve into this topic with our usual goofy selves .,..and in a way that helps shed some light into dark places for caregivers.
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It's a great gift to give yourself to love one to a caregiver fire avert.com promo code character the street in Roseburg. This is, and we are working hard to help you find that path to healthiness for yourself, not just physical health is emotional and spiritual health, financial and professional healthiness. All of the above so that you can live a calm or, healthier, and dare I say it more joyful life. And as always I am with the man himself. He is delightful to lovely and he is the Butler John Butler everyone so I really need you to file yesterday I I cannot tell you the joy that is brought into the life so far. I can understand because I know how much joy I experiencing the judge just lit up like that up like that.
The car for Gracie and she just about doubled over bed that we did a bit I said it had applied for him yesterday and was laughing images like this is this is beyond the pale of great and I have a world-class jiggle singer sing that for me having Hank's-do.
It is a long time Martin and he's been just just incredible.
Sigourney's 80s worked with everybody.
Dolly Parton they will be.
He's done it all in.
And then he got in the studio would cut that he was laughing while he was doing. He was very good. So John you bring joy to a lot of lives.
All right I will want to jump into. I would jump into a topic of Sears, but I think we can handle this without us going into a dark place.
Fear is a tough topic for so many caregivers we we are just just there a lot of things out there that are for your worthy enough talk about this on the broadcast show yesterday and open the phone lines up and sure enough, I just the calls were coming and coming.
Running about that fear is what got in particular, you know he's we go to see his wife with Alzheimer's. She's in a facility in the looks of the window every day you can go and see her and he said he broke down on the air and he said I'm afraid she's going to forget my name and she she is with Alzheimer's. She most likely will listing passes with before it completely takes control over and and these are heartbreaking fears but we also have a lot of other fears that are not necessarily founded in reality but witnesses, but they feel real to us and someone goes to get your thoughts on fear just went up in yeah the thing you mentioned there are, I was going this direction but but the emotions we experience the emotion fearfulness that that were experiencing is not fake it doesn't matter if the figure is logical and reasonable at all those feelings are still real even if it's something we just made up or were were were overthinking something often times that doesn't even matter how reasonable fear is that it matters how it's affecting us and and how it is going to affect our decision-making process and and how it affects our quality of life and and that's a real important thing, especially when you're speaking to someone who is experiencing this type of fear to make sure that you give space and grace so that very reality driven part of this that that the fear is exists separate from the probability of an outcome you know I will go back to something you said it affects our decision-making process. One of the issues for me as a caregiver now for lo these many decades and is that I've allowed fear to enter into my decision-making process on pretty much every level, and so I what I set out to do the show and I talked about the fear obligation guilt. The fog of caregivers. This is what paralyzes us and calls us to get hurt. What I what I thought was I went went back to that old axiom knowledge is power, and the more educated become we become about these issues, the less gripping the fear is over us and and so like what I had on you member couple weeks ago when I had on Dr. Chancery from Vanderbilt with cancer right chemo and so forth.
Okay, that we talked about it we were not going and cold to the situation we just finished is a situation somewhat elder law that you know it's it's it's it's a nebulous thing we don't know much about we feel inadequate anytime we feel inadequate. We we often feel fearful as it is a close second to that inadequacy and and so the more I bring in the specialist that talk about these issues. The I think the better chance we have as caregivers to make better decisions because were taking away that stigma and and so go ahead, give me some of his quotes because I know yeah yeah it's beautiful quotes. Well, this is from one of the smartest people that probably ever walked the planet and Mary Keefer that they have will have Seth Gary Kerry no Mary. Oh, others just hit Harry Carey Murray here. I like this from her.
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood now is the time to understand more so that we may fear less really like that and now there are some real things now. She probably should have been at least a little more cautious with radium. You think she was the other. She was the first want to mess with so there's still fresh right but she did all that and and learned so much about it. That's we can be a little less fearful about radioactivity and is very damaging thing, but the only reason we can be less fearful of it is because she was interested in understanding more than fear. And I just I really like that and see there is one more that that really works with this and was from Ralph Waldo Emerson know you like him a lot to do it weird that as I get older it is that when I was in school I didn't care much for that as I get older I become like I've come to value poetry so much and that can weird well I mean I think that that's one of those parts of of just becoming a more mature individual that we we can look to said no one ever about a well. This was this was what you were talking about earlier that you've made you loud fear to influence your decision making process.
This is what I was going to say first and from it's from Emerson fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world and I would concur with that. Yeah yeah so and I look at my fellow caregivers and and so would you get the diagnosis of cancer, for example, I mean your ear you is is gut wrenching is is is a kick in the gut when you when you see Alzheimer's and it spinning out of control and I talked to more more people about this or your special-needs child and and they tell you that this child is going to require this this this for life.
And all of a sudden, and I've talked to parents about this that you know with the they're never going to walk that little girl down the he's never going to play baseball, you know that kinda stuff yeah and and and her whole life just kinda comes crashing down. What we do have them do this in all that, stuff, and what I've hope to do through the show in and through the books of written and everything else I do is to be able to help people step back of legs when you've been fearful of something that I know that your job, but learning fears well before literati, but none of the case. What are some things that you you've done to help you distance that from it would distance yourself from the.
I was hoping that you would get this or just after question along those lines are always try to bring us up to like how do we get through fear. How do we know we talk about fear being this this thing that may or may not yield beer in the short term can be very very useful. I fear getting hit by the bus. I'm going to step out of the way sort of thing. But how do we deal with those long-term crippling fears and I don't know if I'm on authority on how you deal with it right on how I deal with it and sometimes I deal with its in not necessarily the healthiest ways through distraction or through short-term fixes or things like that but the way I deal with are when I when I do it the best. It's a lot like white matter.
Had to say you try to get as much of my as much information and understanding about this. Probably nebulous thing right off the bat and I really tried to train myself out of reacting well like we talk a lot. Not not reacting but responding and with if I'm afraid recognize that I am afraid, and understand that I'm afraid really have that that idea locked down and then when I do realize that understand that decisions that I make may need to be a little bit slower may need to be a little bit more thought out maybe need to be a little bit less got less heart in Morehead because they both intentional and deliberate correct yes and try to be as deliberate about things as possible. Even though sometimes it's difficult to know and and not take that to the extreme, where I'm not. You never take a risk because sometimes we do have to like I don't want to get another car payment, and when I have this this car paid off or something like that, but the car is not working right now and I don't have the money for car and I got it to work and I'm you know like so it's do something that maybe is risky. Maybe we don't want to do it, but try to have as big a handle on that is possible and do all the math is or is much of the methods is appropriate beforehand. But yes, seeking understanding and we will igniting that I am afraid is how I deal with fear in the best way knowing that these decisions need to be not far from sort II really concur with that and I and I give you real-time example will not real-time because it happened 30 years ago. It was a real example and disgracing primary source material you see for Gracie when she was making the decision to amputate her right leg. This is her first a beautician. She went to other device or surgeon. He said I want you to go meet with this guy's name is Jim Ackley and these are processes that are Nashville and here she was, in fact, I think Parker was in the AE was just a toddler when she first met and maybe make out if he was three and she went to go down to his office taking Parker with and in she limped in because her legs were just really and in bad shape and would look to the right leg first.
She met with this guy and she didn't know anything about prosthetics and she here she is you approaching the decision to have her own leg amputated and I don't think she was 26 years old and this was out of decisions to be made for her she had to be the one to make the decision so she would go to jammin and talk about prosthetics and then Jim but she did know this about him, but he was a PT himself, and she didn't know she was debarking around.
He said you know someone and she secured you can get your blood and he said no. He knocked on his leg and she was your power my leg here, followed by Lake, but it's she was stunned by this because he had such a healthy, normal walking gait. What she did and there's what you describe, she educated herself to the best of her ability.
She deliberately went down there with intentional understood. To understand this world of prosthetics. Is this a viable opportunity for me because the thought of having telling a surgeon to amputate your leg is a horrific thought and she's done it twice but it's it is a it is one that she she faced it with her eyes wide open. I have always admired her for this.
I think Gracie has farmworkers and I do see is farmworkers as people do in but always admired her for that because she faced it with what eyes wide open and said. Yet this scares the crap out of me. But I'm going to do it and would educate myself and I will empower myself through this process and I'm not going to run for this. I'm going to face it and in them to deal with it would educate myself to the best of my abilities to do my due diligence and I'm going to punch through this thing she had to go through the process and it was painful.
That was scary. You don't my faith comes into this insert certain sodas hers and I recognize that, but it's hard to to connect the dots with your faith. Sometimes because she you know point where it because it's you understand the concept of okay. God is sovereign God loves me and I discussed I'm still having to have somebody amputate my leg. I'm still have to get up in the middle of the night and deal with disease of sin, Gracie, go into seizures of senior going to respiratory arrest and so forth of these are real. No kid in fear. Moments and and and so God is not personally coming down to do the procedure.
Yes you you going to have to trust people in this and and and trust that he's guiding through this process, but it's it it is it is a very scary thing and for caregivers though what I what I hope that happens with my fellow diggers and with myself is that we don't get into a situation where we are paralyzed by fear that we can take even the tiniest of steps in her case, she literally took steps to go meet with the process.
Is that okay is this even a possibility and if so what does this look like and she was able to chop this. Don't let this a bad choice of words. She was able to put this decision into smaller pieces so that she didn't have to take the whole enchilada. At one time and make it manageable and I think that's a that's a healthy way to do this process. Caregivers no matter what we did with mother's Alzheimer's mental illness, addiction, anything that seems beyond our control, and most things are. We don't have to fight it all in one day. This is over. The caregiver will talk about this more. We get back dispute arose with John Butler the Celt of money disco he so tall and you will hear his think some of them were glad to have you with us will be right. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you. I'm Gracie Rosenberger, 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident leading 80 surgeries in both legs and became I question why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me. But over time the questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God that understanding along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs led me to establish standing with help more than a dozen years we been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people on a regular basis.
We purchased ship equipment and supplies and with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison. We also recycle parts from donated lands. All this is to point others to Christ.
The source of my help and strength, please visit standing with help.com to learn more and participate in lifting others that standing without.com. I'm Gracie. I am staining with help. Glad to have and she was very nervous because he's a big-time hero of hers musically and when she got to meet up and do this with her, but it was it was such a great moment and she just just knuckle down and sing the song a back here with himself, you know, I'm 11. He's John Butler. Everyone that the account of my skill so dots are there. We have a lot more to do all known and guesses remain seated, you know, that rate remained seated and I would talk about fear in and how we as caregivers can take steps in a healthier direction we're going to have things that are fear worthy. It is frightening and in there is a difference between being scared nervous and anxious and then being paralyzed with fear. We still have decisions to make and so what would it and and out.
What is it they say courage is not the absence of fear, but the a greater presence of devotion right you do not have courage without fear. If you have quote courage without fear that such recklessness. It's not even really basing a lot of it so that in reality right well I got one more quote for you that, right. Herman Melville the transcendentalist, but that it ignorance is the parent of fear.
I agree I think so. But why did you ever see the end of your big Patrick Stewart faded your city I did. I met her servant. He was spectacular in that.
Oh, just well he's a he's one of the best doctors out there so he he was particularly good in that window because you know you do this at the plate in you. You think he's got a peg leg. The way how do this.
I don't know how they pull that off because that's my best buddy unscrew it now.
He loved his blood, and they speak with prosthetic today, but I this is wrong. This is wrong.
I'm afraid of this conversation, I think for myself. John and I have been in those moments when it seems so dark and so frightening that I I was almost paralyzed with fear. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do and in the absence of not knowing what to do instead of an NFL something even worse than being paralyzed with fear when you go's plastic in the wrong direction, though, because then if you paralyzed with fear that Lisa is not quite as much mess to clean up the exit you create a lot of carnage attended to get a little gnarly and so I've been in all these places and and none of these things that I'm saying are things that I own or that I've somehow mastered. These are things that I've learned the hard way and I want to go back and and kind of put this out of the tables okay.
Is this something that is connecting with you as a fellow caregiver in this audience and and we have a we have quite a few people now there listening to the podcast John and I cannot separate the fact that that the vast majority of the overwhelming vast majority of our struggling sphere on some level. If you're caregiver for any length of time.
This is going to come in just bite you in the rear and and so I wanted to give a little bit of thought and and and I know that a lot of people know that their faith is is a is a guiding principle for this in the Scripture says the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord, and so forth. But that's a different kind of fear.
Yeah that's that's in all that is that is not yet.
That's what I think the best thing for us is to way to deal with this gave the wall to the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me that they were not fearing because we have presence with us in his presence is there to guide us and guess what. He also he also allows other people to be present with us in this and I think that isolation for me.
I think isolation is the breeding ground for so many of our fears.
We go to these dark lonely by herself places and then our minds just go it's likely just turn the keys to take it and enter mindful just go into all kinds of different scenarios.
Many of them will never happen. I think it was volunteer who may have said it out and don't quote me on that. It was it was somebody important. John, you know, John Candy or somebody out of somebody important for but insisted it. I had many terrible things happen in my life. Most of didn't happen to think and and and I think we do live in the wreckage of our future. Sometimes we we we play out these scenarios where these horrific events are going to happen and in the process we missed the beautiful things that are available to us, right here and right now in this moment for us as caregivers. II cannot stress the absolute imperative need to live in the moment. Then we don't plan for the future.
Prepare letter we just had in them the earlier blocks. We had elder law were planning for the future to do what to do with our state and and so forth, and family members but we don't have to live in that place and I think for us as caregivers, we tend to live five or 10 years down the road. Sometimes we live in maybe five months down the road that it doesn't matter. Let's live right now for me that's been the way I've dealt with. I've had to learn to deal with this, then come natural to me.
It it it it is something I have to middle of this was I going to live in the moment. I know that this is a problem and I'm going to have to face it, but I'm to live here right now in this place and enjoy this moment and and and see the beauty and the joy in the peace that is available to right now and I will work towards this but I'm not going to spaz out about it I don't get that right every time, but I get it right more than I used to.
That's Jan progress is progress is progress, not profit. Progress rather that it I think we see okay I got it ended up on the face all these things, no one will have to do that again fight every battle of every front.
I think one of things for me that it's help me as a caregiver is realizing that there are a lot of fights and I just don't have to go to. I just don't have to participate in and and I heard a great quote called an auto social media cough cough. Yes, they have the hit socially and that would Broyles be a lot of end but II try to vote is that we can do what we need to do a whole show on I am but I I heard a great quote the other day that a man's wealth is determined by how inexpensive his pleasures are and it was six. It you know and and I think the sometimes we think we have to have all these exotic things to bring us pleasure. But if you are if you draw great pleasure from something, such so simple as a nap, a bowl of soup flower. The leave the comfort of a dog you know about a duck sick cat Forgotten exercising boundaries. Peter or I haven't practiced apathy. The book I hope this is been helpful to you my fellow caregivers, and learning to just kind of detach from living way out in it and being panicked about it in the steel with today right here then let other people into your life with that that isolation is what brings so much of this and you don't have to do this alone. You don't have to be alone. That's why we do the show John I've enjoyed today. You are a blessing and I hope you enjoyed your thing sucks this for Rosenberger hope for the caregiver. Hopefully caregiver.com will see you next. This is John Butler and I produce hope for the caregiver with Peter Rosenberger. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife Gracie and recently Peter talk to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen Gracie. When you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach.
Did you ever think that inmates would help you do that, not in a million years.
When you go to the facility run by core civic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all of the country that you put out the plea for and their disassembly sell these legs like what you have your own prosody and arms and arms everything when you see all this. What do you make me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know I know what it is to me like someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out course, being in the hospital so much and so long and so that these men are so glad that they get to be doing as as one man said something good family with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled now had no idea and I thought a peg leg.
I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex feet. The legs and all that. I never thought about that as you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that there there helping other people. Now walk the providing the means for the supplies to get over there. What is it due to you, just on the heart level. I wish I could explain to the world. What I see in here and I wish that I could be able to go and say the this guy right here Denise go to Africa with that. I never not feel that way out every time you know you always make me have to leave. I don't want to leave them. II feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like we have a common bond that would've never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had experience with it what you think of the faith-based programs. The core civic offers.
I think they're just absolutely awesome and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the man that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one are. It is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't happen and I think that says so much that has anything to do with me just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate or use prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or you know somebody well groomed.
You've donated some of your own for them to have it, how they do that now. Please go to standing with hope.com/recycle staining without.com/recycle. Thanks Grace