Shade for Our Children

Now, discipline then is training by rules and regulations enforced by rewards and punishment.

And we have to do that. We say, here's God's standard of right behavior. We will live it, mom and dad, that's the example, and we will hold you to it and reward you when you follow it. Punish you when you don't. Welcome to Grace to You with John MacArthur.

I'm your host, Phil Johnson. What do children need most? Good education, positive encouragement, freedom to express themselves, unconditional love?

Sure, those are good things, some of them even necessary things, but none of them addresses the most important issue for parents. Namely, how do you raise your kids so that as much as it can depend on you, they will commit their lives to Christ? Find out today as John MacArthur continues a lesson that's directed at anyone who is a mom or dad or preparing to be one.

It's titled Shade for Our Children, part of John's study, Foundations Volume 2. So stay here right now as John begins today's lesson. Open your Bible, if you will, to Ephesians chapter 6, Ephesians chapter 6. Let me read you the first three verses. Children, obey your parents and the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. Now the first thing he says, and I'm only going to briefly mention it, is that children are called to obey and honor. Obey is the act, honor is the attitude. So what we want out of children is obedience and honor. They need to learn attitudinally to honor their parents and in terms of action, to obey their parents. They don't know this naturally.

Now, let's see the specifics of what the apostle says. We have a tremendous gift from God in our children. They are to bring us immense joy.

They are to bring us delight, blessing, happiness, fulfillment, comfort, consolation, satisfaction. And we're looking at a society where children, for most people, are a pain, a disaster. They break their parents' hearts with their drinking, with their drugs, with their sexual promiscuity, with their moderate or extreme criminal behavior, with their lack of values, with their lack of honor and regard for their parents. They shame their parents. They terrorize their parents in some cases.

They manipulate and monopolize the home. That's not God's intention. How are you going to take that little savage, as cute and cuddly as he is or she is, and guarantee that this one is going to be a joy to you? Here's the principle stated in verse 4. Negatively, do not provoke your children to anger.

Positively, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. That's it. It isn't that complicated. You don't have to be a child psychologist to figure it out. You don't have to go to a thousand seminars and buy all the books on the shelf. It is not that difficult. You say, well, it was a different time and place.

No. In Paul's day, they had a very, very difficult situation they were facing in that terribly pagan culture. For example, in the Roman world there was what was called patria potestas, which is Latin meaning the Father's power. And in that society, the Father had total power, absolute power over His entire family. Without any adjudication in any court of law, He could sell off any member of His family into slavery. He could make them work in the fields and chains. He could take the law into His own hands. He could punish them. He could inflict the death penalty on His own children as long as He lived, even if He was 60 and His children were 40.

There was no age limit on the patria potestas. The Father had right and power over all His children, even the power of life and death. We are told that when a child was born, it was placed before its father's feet. And if the Father stooped to lift the child, it meant that He acknowledged the child and wished it to be kept. If He turned and walked away, the child would be thrown out. Children which were thrown out, very commonly in ancient times, were thrown on dump piles, thrown in the street, or left in the forum in Rome.

And they were collected by people who raised them to be slaves and prostitutes for the business of prostitution and slavery in Rome. So Paul was speaking to a world where children were severely abused and unwanted. And in our world, they are also severely abused and murdered and even the ones that are born are very often unwanted.

Let me tell you something. The greatest abuse of a child is not physical. The greatest abuse of a child is to leave that child alone. That's the greatest abuse because that child cannot develop physically, spiritually, socially, mentally on its own.

It will be the savage all its life long. You throw your child away when you don't spend time with your child. When you don't bring that child up in discipline and instruction from the Lord, you throw that child away.

That's common in our day. Even the children that are born are thrown all over the place. The mother wants to go here, go there, go here, go there. The child is in the way, farm the kid over to this babysitter, take the kid over to this neighbor, move the kid over to grandma, just don't cramp my style.

That is a throwaway child. Raising a child is a full-time responsibility. That's how mothers in the past put up the trees that shade us. Notice verse 4. The word fathers there is patera. It normally is used for the male head of the family but sometimes is used of parents. That's how it's translated, for example, in Hebrews 11 23 where it talks about the parents of Moses. It includes, of course, the idea of the father's headship but also of the mother's partnership.

And really, we should translate it that way here. Verse 1 says, Children, obey your parents and implied in verse 4 and parents do this with your children. So he's talking to mothers and fathers and he's giving them the responsibility together. Remember what I told you in 1 Thessalonians, how Paul took the mother metaphor and then the father metaphor and speaking of his relationship to the Thessalonians, talked about how the mother is the gentle, nursing, tender, caring, loving, nurturing person and the father gives the exhortation, the encouragement, the commands, sets the standard. That's the partnership.

They do it together. Proverbs 4 3 brings the father and the mother together in the instruction of the children. Both have to be involved in that mental, physical, social, spiritual development. To try to give some practical feed to that, a few years back, two sociologists at Harvard University named Glick identified the crucial factors in predicting future delinquency of children ages five and six. And then they, in their study, tracked that for a number of years and they found to be 90 percent accurate. They could take a five-year-old or six-year-old kid, look at the factors in their life and with 90 percent accuracy predict future delinquency.

We don't use the word delinquency anymore. Future antisocial behavior, antisocial conduct. And then they came back and presented four necessary factors to prevent delinquent antisocial dysfunctional children. Here are the four.

These are Harvard sociologists. One, the father's discipline. It must be firm, it must be fair, and it must be consistent. Where you have a father doing discipline firmly, fairly, and consistently, you work against the future disaster. Second, the mother's supervision. That's the word, the mother's supervision. The mother knows where they are at all times and she knows what they are doing at all times. And she is involved in their lives personally, continually supervising them. In her presence, she controls them.

And even when they're out of her presence, she knows where they are and what they are doing and they know she knows. The third factor, they said, to guarantee against the future dysfunctional child is the father and mother's demonstrated affection. The father and mother's demonstrated affection. Where the father and the mother love each other and demonstrate that affection before the children, there is a healthy response. They feel secure. They feel there's a loving control of their world.

They also feel good about marriage for themselves. And the fourth, very simple, the family's cohesiveness, time spent together. Now is that very complicated? It took Harvard sociologists to figure that out, that the father is in charge of the discipline, that the mother is there to supervise, that the two are to love each other and the family is to be together and that guarantees that you're not going to raise a delinquent.

How hard is that? That's what the Bible says. That's what the Bible says. The husband is the head of the family. The mother obviously nourishes and cherishes her children. And they are to love each other, husband loving wife, wife loving husband, and they are to do things together as a family.

That's so basic. But that's what makes healthy children. Paul Meyer, M.D., said the key to right parent-child relationships can be summed up in these five things. One, love, parents loving each other and their children. Two, discipline, setting a standard and making people live by that standard or pay the consequence. Three, consistency. Consistency is very, very important. When you're dealing with a child, it isn't important that you be perfect.

No one expects that. It is important that you be consistent. Both parents need to stick together, use the same rules, consistently enforce those rules so that a child doesn't get away with something one time and get punished for the same thing another time. It needs to be consistent. You have love, discipline, consistency.

The fourth thing is example...example. In healthy families, the parents never expect children to live up to a standard they themselves do not keep. That's what devastates pastors' families because it's so intensified. If a guy is in the pulpit preaching, preaching, preaching all the time, goes home and lives some other kind of life before his children, that's just devastating. The hypocrisy of it is devastating.

They cancel out the whole thing. That's true in the life particularly of a Christian. And the fifth thing, said the doctor, love, discipline, consistency, example.

The fifth thing that makes a healthy child is a man at the head of the home. God never intended a home without a man. Why do you think in the Old Testament if a man died, that woman was never to be left? What was she to do? Immediately she was to marry his next of kin.

Why? For her sake? Not primarily for her sake, surely for her sake in part, but so that there would be a father in the home. The vast majority of neurotics, both children and adults grow up in homes where there's no father or the father was absent or weak and the mother was dominating.

It's a tragic thing. So both parents are involved, both parents. Now what do they do negatively? Do not provoke your children to anger.

That's the negative thing. You say, well, what does that mean? Don't make them mad?

Well, yes, but it means more than that. The word provoke used only twice has the idea of irritating them. It has the idea of making them intensely angry underneath, exasperating them, embittering them, disheartening them so they become frustrated, angry. We have a lot of people like that.

Oh, we have a lot of angry people, a lot of hostile people. How do you provoke your children to that kind of anger? Let me give you some ways so you can avoid them.

One, by over protection. You want to really frustrate your child? Fence them in. Don't trust them. Don't give them enough opportunity to develop their own independence so they can find out who they are. You want to really frustrate them?

Don't let them take any risks. And you'll create an angry mood, especially when they compare themselves with what other children are allowed to do. They need to be themselves. They're people.

They're persons there. They need to express themselves little by little by little. They need to learn to face life on their own. Give them that rope.

Let them do that. They'll learn, and they'll learn the best way they learn by hitting the wall down there. But if you overprotect them, you'll exasperate them. And an exasperated child is an angry child, and an angry child is going to have a loving relationship with his parents. Secondly, another way to provoke your child to wrath is by favoritism. Favor one child over the other.

That is very frustrating. Don't ever compare your children. You want to see the tragedy of that? Read again the story of Jacob and Esau. Don't compare your children with each other.

Each is unique, each a gift from God, each to be loved and be loved because they are special. Another way to exasperate your children is by pushing achievement. Push them in the area of achievement. Just keep pushing and pushing and pushing until they never have a sense of having accomplished anything.

Nothing is ever enough. If they get C's, you demand B's. If they get B's, you demand A's.

If they get A's, you demand all A's and they can't satisfy you. Some parents literally crush their children with pressure, school, sports, academic achievement, music, whatever it is. The child gets very, very bitter.

I remember a young girl and I was visiting her in the UCLA psychiatric clinic. She eventually killed herself. Beautiful girl, but she could never achieve the grade point that her parents pushed her to achieve. And finally she killed herself and that was her way of saying, I'm so angry at you because of the pain you've put in my life because I can never succeed. I never have a sense of accomplishment that I'm going to make you hurt the rest of your life. And so she killed herself and in effect said, now live with that.

She gave back the hurt. Another way you can exasperate your child is by overindulgence. Give them everything they want and you know what? If they don't get the next thing they want, they get angry.

Have you noticed that? Have you noticed at Christmas when they get way more than they can possibly get that when some other kid picks up one thing that they've got out of a dozen, they get angry? That will just move on into adulthood. Overindulgence leads to anger when they don't get what they want. And then when they grow up and they get in an environment where they work and they're paid by somebody else and it's not mom and dad anymore and you've got to earn what you get and they don't get what they want, they get so angry, they'll hurt to get it, even kill to get it, steal to get it.

Another way to make an angry, bitter child is by discouragement. Just remind them all the time they'll never amount to anything. Just remind them all the time that they're not any good, they're useless, they're in the way. Don't give them any rewards, don't give them any approval, don't do any nice things for them, don't honor them. You'll destroy their initiative, you'll destroy their incentive, you'll destroy their motivation.

Another way to provoke your children to anger is to make them feel like an intrusion in your life, fail to sacrifice for them. Leave them all the time. Make them fend for themselves. Make them fix their own meals, make them clean their own room, make them buy their own stuff, make them take care of their own deals, get their own transportation. Don't take them places because you can't be bothered. Don't let them get in your way because you've got to do your stuff. Have them become slaves around the house to do all your work. Make no sacrifice for them and they'll resent you. Another way to provoke your children to wrath is by failing to allow them to grow up, by not letting them make mistakes, not letting them goof up. Have you ever been at a table where some kid spilled milk and you thought the parents had just seen the Holocaust? Such an unbelievable overreaction. Or when some little kid gives a stupid idea and you say, boy, that's a stupid idea. Now wait a minute. Let them share some of their ridiculous ideas and not be condemned.

Don't expect perfection, just progress. You can also exasperate your children by neglect...by neglect. The story of Absalom is probably the story of neglect, as sad as any I know of. I remember a youth pastor friend of mine overheard his little boy in the backyard talking to the friend next door. The friend next door said, I'm going to the park with my dad. And this youth pastor's little boy said to his friend, oh, my dad doesn't have time to go to the park with me, he's too busy with other people's children.

Just shattered him, changed the framework of his life. I tell people all the time, you know, I've had a deal with my two sons, both my boys went through school playing baseball and the simple deal was, I go to your games, you come to my sermons. That's the way it goes.

I'll be a part of your life, you'll be a part of my life. It's not that complicated. Don't neglect them.

I believe it's the greatest sin today. Just neglect your kids, just leave them alone. That's a throw away child. Be involved in their lives. Another way that you can provoke them to anger is by bitter words and physical cruelty. Physical cruelty ought to be obvious. Bitter words might not be as obvious.

Your tongue is so much sharper than a child's that you can use ridicule, sarcasm, you can slice them up with your tongue because of your superior vocabulary, just like you can beat them up because of your superior strength. You realize that we say things to our kids that we wouldn't say to another human being on the face of the earth, except our wives or our spouse. We would never say the things we say to our children, probably not even those things to our spouse. That should not be.

That should not be. A wife who refuses to submit to her husband in love as to Christ will destroy the whole authority submission principle in the child's life. A husband who refuses to love his wife as Christ loved the church will destroy the authority submission principle in the child's life. The family just needs to be what God says it to be. Husband loves wife. Wife submits to husband in love.

Those two love each other. Those two raise the children in the things of Christ. They don't provoke them to anger. In the end, the child is the blessing, the joy, the comfort, the consolation that God intended. One other simple thing, you need to set an example and live it. Someone wrote, if a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world. We don't want to provoke our children to anger, to bitterness, discouragement. What do we want to do?

Let's go to the positive. Raise them up. Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

That's very simple, isn't it? The discipline and instruction of the Lord assumes the Scripture. The law of the Lord, Deuteronomy 6, meditate on it all the time. Teach it to your children. This idea of discipline is an interesting word. The word discipline, paideia, means to rear a child. And it implies training and training is an interesting concept.

Let me see if I can give you a definition. Training means rules and regulations enforced by rewards and punishment. That's training. Rules and regulations enforced by rewards and punishment.

That's what you have to do with a child. You say, here's the standard, we set it, we follow it, setting an example, we hold you to it. If you meet it, we reward you. If you violate it, we punish you, plain and simple...plain and simple. Discipline then is training by rules and regulations enforced by rewards and punishment. And we have to do that. We say, here's God's standard of right behavior. We will live it, mom and dad, that's the example, and we will hold you to it and reward you when you follow it, and punish you when you don't. But what about the word instruction?

That's obvious. That simply means teaching with warning and view. The word is admonition, verbal instruction with a view of judgment. We warn you. That's teaching with teeth in it.

If you keep doing that, there's going to be consequence. Susanna Wesley, the mother of 17, including both John and Charles Wesley, once wrote, the parent who studies to subdue self-will in his child works together with God in the renewing and saving of a soul. The parent who indulges self-will does the devil's work, makes religion impractical, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to drown his child's soul and body forever, end quote. Now God forgives our mistakes. We make mistakes with our children.

But if the general format is right, we have a standard, we live by that standard, we hold you to that standard, and all of this in an environment where mom and dad love each other and love you, you've got the makings of godly children. A mother might look back at her life and say, if I could do it over again, how would I change it? Maybe some of you could identify with this mother who said, I would love my husband more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more at my mistakes and joys. I would listen more, even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection, admitting I was wrong. I would pray differently for my family. Rather than focusing on them, I'd focus on me. I would do more things together with my children.

I would do more encouraging. I would bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, deeds and words of thankfulness. I would share God more intimately out of every ordinary thing of every day.

I would move toward God. That's Grace to You with John MacArthur, Chancellor of the Masters University and Seminary. Today John showed you what it means to provoke your kids to wrath and how you can avoid that sin.

Today's lesson is part of John's current study, Foundations Volume Two. Well, we are a few days into 2024, and if it hasn't happened already, the busyness of life will soon test your commitment to having consistent time in God's Word this year. And John, even for people who love God's Word, it takes work, hard work, to devote ourselves to Scripture as we should.

Yeah, it's like anything. It's a discipline, and we need to be in the Word every day. We don't live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God, and that means the whole of Scripture. You want to start at that point? Just start reading the Bible. It's amazing how the Bible is so self-explanatory that it'll explain itself to you as you accumulate more reading in the text. So the best starting point, the tool that we talked about toward the end of the year, and I need to mention it now because we're still early enough in January, it's the MacArthur Daily Bible. There is no substitute for daily Bible reading.

It takes discipline, but, you know, 15-20 minutes a day, that is not too much to ask for the benefit that it brings. This daily Bible is basically a reading from the Old Testament, the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs, for every day, 365 days a year. And if you do it every day, at the end of the year you will have read the entire Bible, and with the reading each day is a devotional that kind of points you in the direction of a spiritual truth that can be applied that day. Now, look, January 1 is already in the rearview mirror, and we're moving rapidly away from it, but you can start and catch up pretty fast with the MacArthur Daily Bible. Don't put off getting one. Cultivate the habit of daily Scripture reading, and you can order one today.

The price is very reasonable. Get a MacArthur Daily Bible today and read through the Bible this year. You will see a profound impact on your life, and that will be directly related to your spiritual joy and fruitfulness.

That's correct. Friend, you may also want to get a few for your family. This is an ideal way to unite your loved ones in studying God's Word and growing in its truth. To order copies of the MacArthur Daily Bible, contact us today.

It's available in soft cover for a reasonable price, and shipping is free for U.S. orders. To order, call our customer service line at 855-GRACE or visit our website, gty.org. Get the MacArthur Daily Bible and develop a disciplined habit of study that will continue long past 2024. Again, to place your order, call 855-GRACE or visit gty.org. And now, friend, if I could ask a favor, if you've benefited from one of John's books, or if today's message from Foundations Volume 2 has opened your eyes to spiritual truth, or if your family was encouraged and strengthened by one of our free online resources, we'd love to hear from you. It's a great encouragement to us, and it's more important than you might think, so email us here at letters at gty.org, or you can mail your letter to Grace To You, Post Office Box 4000, Panorama City, California 91412. Now for John MacArthur and the entire Grace To You staff, I'm Phil Johnson. Remember to watch Grace To You television Sundays on DIRECTV Channel 378, or you can watch online at gty.org. And then be here next week when John continues what we do, unleashing God's truth one verse at a time, on Monday's Grace To You.