The Key to Maintaining Family Unity B

Let me tell you something. You may think you have a difficult marriage. You may think you have a difficult situation, young people with your parents. You may think you have conflict in the home. Let me tell you this.

Your offenses, the offenses against you are the very trials which God will use to make you like His Son. Here's to you with John MacArthur. I'm your host, Phil Johnson. The playwright, George Bernard Shaw, said, perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anyone to mankind is to bring up a family. Well, with building a strong family in mind, the question is, how exactly do you do that? How do you go about strengthening your marriage and making a positive influence on your kids, and creating harmony and joy in your home, and most important, honoring Christ as a family? John MacArthur has the answers today as he continues to show you the key to maintaining family unity. That's the title of his message on Grace to You. And with that, let's get to the lesson.

Here's John. What is it, most importantly, that causes relationships to be sustained over the long haul? In a word, it is forgiveness.

It is forgiveness. Why do I say that? Well, first of all, because no matter who you're married to, they're going to fail you. They're going to offend you. They're going to misunderstand you. They're going to misinterpret what you mean by what you do. You are going to offend them. You are going to sin against them.

You are going to disappoint them. This is true in any kind of relationship, because we are sinful creatures. We are fallen creatures. And what essentially keeps that from destroying relationships is forgiveness. Forgiveness. No relationship can survive the absence of forgiveness.

If you don't forgive continually, you will accumulate bitterness that will destroy any and every relationship. Let me show you a few of the compelling motives for forgiveness. Number one, forgiveness is the most God-like act a person can do. No act is more like God than forgiveness.

Never are you more like Him than when you forgive someone who has offended you. Second, in thinking about motives for forgiveness, it is not murder only which is forbidden by the sixth commandment. Anger, wrath, malice, lack of forgiveness, desire for revenge, vengeance, it's all included in the sixth commandment. And I say it again, it is not murder only which is forbidden by the sixth commandment. All anger, all wrath, all malice, all evil intent, all bitterness, all of that.

God has commanded not only that you not kill, but that you not have a murderous attitude. Thirdly, and this is a very important point when you talk about forgiveness, you must remember, thirdly, that whoever has offended you has offended God greater. So we forgive. We forgive because we are never more like God than when we forgive. We forgive because God forbids anger, hate, and attitudes of vengeance, and we forgive because God who is most offended has forgiven, and we who are least offended can surely do the same.

Let me take you to a fourth point that just builds on the third one. It is only reasonable that those forgiven the greater sins should forgive the lesser ones. It is only reasonable that those forgiven the greater sins forgive the lesser ones. This I know, if you think about it, will bring to mind Matthew 18, so turn over to Matthew 18. And I want to remind you of something that you and I both need to be reminded of periodically, and that is this, that when we stand before God before our salvation, we are worthy of eternal hell, right? Because we are the enemies of God, we have ignored God, we have denied God, we have failed to be thankful to God, we have pursued iniquity, and we deserve eternal hell. But God in His mercy forgives us damning iniquities.

He forgives us sin that is at a level that it would send us to hell to suffer forever and still not be expiated. You know, somebody might think that, well, you know, 50,000 years in hell should be enough to sort of pay for my sin. Somebody else might say, well, 50 million years in hell might be enough to pay for my sin. But the answer is eternity won't be enough to pay for your sin.

You'll be there forever suffering. That's how serious the crime is. We have crimes in our country and we have varying sentences for those crimes. If someone commits a misdemeanor, they might go into jail overnight. If someone commits a petty crime, they might go into jail for 30 days or 60 days. If they commit an armed robbery, they might be there for five years. If they commit a second-degree murder, it might be 20. If it's premeditated first-degree murder, it might be life. And we think about that as a serious crime, but what kind of crime is it that can only be paid for by eternal punishment?

It's a staggering thing. And so that any of us, no matter how we may assess ourselves, any of us, if we are not in Christ forgiven by God, have so greatly offended God as to pay for that offense with eternal punishment. That's how serious our iniquity is.

You measure the seriousness of it, if no other way, by the penalty attached to it, right? So when you came to Christ and you were forgiven, it wasn't some small thing. It was that you had this massive debt of iniquity that couldn't be paid for in an eternity of suffering and God in a moment forgave it all. That's the magnanimity of forgiveness. So you have to go back to remembering what you have been forgiven in Christ. And now back to the fourth point.

It is reasonable then that those forgiven to greater sins should certainly be able to forgive the lesser, right? Somebody offended you. Oh, really? Somebody offended you. Your husband offended you, or your wife offended you, or your parents offended you, young people, or somebody else offended you.

Oh, I see. So you're going to be bitter and you're going to carry a vengeful, hateful, resentful attitude around and you're going to make those people pay for what they did to you. And you're a Christian?

You're going to be making sure that your spouse feels the pain of your anger over what he or she did to you? You who stood before God with a weight of sin that even an eternity of pain couldn't eliminate and you were forgiven all of it in a split second, you're going to hold this trivial offense against somebody else? That's the whole point of the parable at the end of Matthew 18.

Some people are brought in before the king. They owe him a massive debt that they could never pay. He forgives them. One of these guys is forgiven, this massive unpayable debt which is the picture of eternal punishment and our weight of sin.

And he's forgiven. He accepts forgiveness, goes out, finds a guy who owes him a few weeks' wages and strangles the guy. Says, I want my pay.

I want my pay. And the guy can't pay so he throws him in prison. It's unimaginable. And the disciples are really incredulous over this. They can't believe this, I'm sure, as Jesus outlined the story. It would absolutely shake them to the core that anybody could be forgiven so much and turn around and not forgive somebody so little. And isn't that exactly what we do all the time?

All the time? We have been forgiven by God an unpayable, inconceivable debt. Shall we not forgive the small debts that others owe us? In your marriage, you need to be in a hurry to forgive as fast as you can forgive. Even when the offense is going on, all your thoughts should be geared toward forgiveness.

What incentive and gratitude this servant in Matthew 18 demonstrates who was forgiven this unpayable debt and then ran right out and got somebody and wouldn't forgive him. Are you a higher court than God? Are you more worthy than God? Do you have a right to hold your hostility and your anger that God doesn't have?

Do you have a more demanding law? Are you worthy of greater treatment than God? It's unthinkable. A fifth reason to forgive. The one who does not forgive will not enjoy the love of other Christians. The one who does not forgive will not enjoy the love of other Christians. Let me tell you what happens in a marriage.

It happens all the time. The wife says, I've had it with this guy. That's all. I'm done. I'm not taking it anymore. I'm fed up and I'm not going to forgive him. I've forgiven him enough. I'm not forgiving him anymore. I'm done with this guy.

I have nothing but resentment, hostility, hatred, bitterness, and I'm maintaining it and I'm feeding it. You know what happens? Immediately there's a severing of the marriage and instantaneously the loss of Christian fellowship. You're on the outs with the church immediately, right?

And in a matter of a few months, guess what? At a communion service, your name gets read by me or another pastor. Is that not right? Because you've left your marriage without any grounds for that. You forfeit the fellowship. The church becomes really your judge. That's exactly what happens in the parable of Matthew 18. Look at verse 31. The man tries to get his money out of this guy who owes him a few months' wages really, throws him in prison. And verse 31 says, when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their Lord all that had happened.

You know what? They couldn't believe the guy would do this. They couldn't believe such unforgiveness.

It was staggering to them. And where did they go? They went right to the king.

They went right to the Lord. You know what happens when you will not forgive? You forfeit the fellowship. And the fellowship, as it were, goes to heaven to turn you in. You cut yourself off from the fellowship.

You're distanced from the body. You are leavened. You are sinful. You're a bad influence. The church doesn't want you around if you're going to behave like that. And alienation from others in the life of the church leads to more sin.

The sequence goes like this. I've had it. I'm not living with her anymore. I'm out of here.

I will not tolerate it. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm out of this thing. Immediately you split out of that thing, and then the church turns to God and starts to call out to God, on your behalf discipline is enacted. The church pursues you. You don't repent. And the next thing that happens is outside the fellowship you are turned over to whom? Satan, 1 Corinthians 5. And the next thing you know, you're in an affair.

And the spiral starts down. Alienation from others in the life of the church results in serious sin. Hebrews 10, 24 says that we need to be together for mutual stimulation. You need the life of God's people. And these friends turned against the unforgiving man, and they turned him over to God. They prayed literally. They enacted church discipline. They turned him over to the Lord, who then turns him over to the tormentors. And that takes us to the sixth point. Failure to forgive results in divine chastening.

What happened to this guy? Verse 32, the king or the Lord calls him in. You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you asked me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I had mercy on you?

It's incredible that he didn't. And his Lord now moved with anger, turns him over to the tormentors until he should repay all that was owed him. So shall my heavenly Father also do to you if each of you does not forgive his brother from the heart. What's it saying? If you will not forgive another, then the Lord is going to turn you over to the tormentors.

What's that? Chastening, serious chastening. Torturers, tormentors might be stress, hardship, illness, difficulty. James 2 13 says the same thing. Judgment will be merciless to the one who shows no mercy. Blessed are the merciful, Matthew 5 7, for they will obtain mercy. If you don't have the mercy of forgiveness, God's going to turn you over to the tormentors.

So what happens? You destroyed your marriage. You destroyed your relationship with the church. You spiraled down into iniquity and now comes divine chastening. I've had several people in my life say to me, I'm not going to live with this person anymore. I'd rather take my chances with God than live with this person. Well, you're not really taking any chances with God.

It's pretty guaranteed what's going to happen. Chastening, chastening. A seventh reason for forgiveness. The one who does not forgive will not be forgiven. The one who does not forgive will not be forgiven. Go back to Matthew chapter 6 and this ties in with the point we just made from that parable that if you don't forgive another, the Lord's going to chase and chasten you.

This is another way to look at that, but emphasizes a little different aspect. The one who doesn't forgive will not be forgiven. Look at Matthew 6 and in verse 12, part of what He teaches them is to pray this, and forgive us our debts, or forgive us our trespasses as the other gospel records it, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Now there you have a statement that's pretty clear. You forgive us, God, as we have forgiven others. Go down to verses 14 and 15. For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Boy, this is some powerful stuff. If you forgive, you'll be forgiven. God's going to deal with you the way He deals with others. You say, now is this talking about the fact you might lose your salvation and go to hell?

No. No eternal forgiveness we have in our justification. That settles the issue of our future. Temporal forgiveness we need in our sanctification, and that settles the issue of our blessing in the present. The issue here is simply this, that God will not forgive your sin in the sense that you're free from chastening and the recipient of blessing. You know what happens to you as a believer when you sin? When you get involved in prolonged sin, it's not that you're all of a sudden going to lose your salvation and go to hell, but I'll tell you what happens, you begin to be chastened and you forfeit blessing. The eternal forgiveness is taken care of, but the here and now temporal forgiveness that withholds chastening and pours out blessing is not going to be yours.

I've watched this through the years. As a pastor, I've watched lots of people. I've seen people with emptiness in their lives, with terrible dryness, insipid dullness, people with a lack of joy, a lack of power, a lack of meaningful marriage relationship, and I really believe that very often it is due to the fact that there is no forgiveness in their heart toward a person in their family. And when they will not forgive, God continues to chasten and life is miserable and blessing isn't there. If there's anything I want out of life, it's God's blessing. I mean, I suppose I would go so far as to say I would live with anybody if I could have God's blessing.

That's what I would seek most of all. To humble myself and accept some difficulty in human life to have the joy of heaven is a simple choice for me. Number eight, give you a few more. The absence of forgiveness renders us unfit to worship. The absence of forgiveness renders us unfit to worship. In fact, worship becomes a form of hypocrisy.

Matthew 5, again, 23 and 24. If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, you're coming to worship God, of course in a Jewish context in this gospel. But if you're coming to worship God and you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, go your way, first be reconciled to your brother, then come and present your offering.

Very, very basic. Don't draw near to God with the intention of worship if there's an unsettled grudge with another Christian. Reconciliation must precede worship, even if we hold no anger. If He holds anger against us, we must freely forgive in the heart and do all we can to make it right. You see, if there's any iniquity in you, it says in Psalm 66, the Lord will not hear you. So you come to worship, heaven makes no response if your heart isn't right. The absence of forgiveness renders you unfit for worship.

Boy, this is serious, really serious. Number nine, and just one more after this. Number nine, not to forgive is to usurp the authority of God. And I suppose this is the ultimate ego trip. If you won't forgive, then you're setting yourself up as the one who holds the sword of divine judgment. You're saying, well, God, you may be willing to forgive, but I'm not. You rip the sword out of God's hand and you decide you're going to wield it yourself. You take private vengeance.

What audacity. In the light of Romans 12 where God says vengeance is mine, I will repay. You leave that to God. You don't have to get your pound of flesh out of everybody.

You don't have to give back what you feel they deserve. That's not your job. God alone is able to deal with sin. He has the perfect and true understanding of the offense, and you don't.

You're limited. He has the highest standard. Yours is lower. He has the authority without limit. Yours is nonexistent. He is impartial.

You are not. He is omniscient and eternal, sees the end from the beginning. You're shortsighted and ignorant, seeing nothing beyond the moment. He is wise and good and acts in perfect holiness, and you're blinded by anger. Now you tell me who ought to have the sword. It makes no sense for you or me to be the judge.

We're not qualified. When you tear the sword, as it were, out of God's hands and will not forgive, you usurp His authority. One final point that cries out to us for forgiveness. This is a very important point.

It could be a whole message, a whole series. Offenses against you are your trials. Offenses against you are your trials. Listen carefully. And by those trials, what is God doing?

Perfecting you. Count it all joy, brethren, when you fall into various trials because the trying of your faith has a perfect work. Let me tell you something. You may think you have a difficult marriage. You may think you have a difficult situation, young people with your parents. You may think you have conflict in the home.

Let me tell you this. Your offenses, the offenses against you are the very trials which God will use to make you like His Son. Don't run from them.

Criticisms, injustices, offenses, persecutions, mistreatments are for the purpose of your spiritual maturity. Don't run from that process. Stay in it.

Stay in it. Even if you're whole life long, you realize that maybe, maybe I could have found somebody else who would have made my life happier. If you respond to the stress and the difficulty appropriately, those trials will make you like Christ, and that's the noblest goal of all. Be little concerned about your personal injuries and much concerned about your personal holiness. Remember that in your trials, God is at work making you strong and holy when all is said and done. What keeps a relationship together is forgiveness, because we're going to fail, and we're going to offend, and we're going to wound, and we're going to hurt. But where there is instant and comprehensive and constant forgiveness, the relationship stays together, and God is honored, and blessing is poured out.

That's John MacArthur. He is the pastor of Grace Community Church, the featured speaker here on Grace to You, and chancellor of the Masters University and Seminary. Today he showed you why forgiveness matters in the family and why relationships between sinners can't survive very long without forgiveness. The title of John's lesson, The Key to Maintaining Family Unity. John, if this lesson has brought our listeners to any conclusion, it could simply be this. There is no family relationship, really no relationship of any kind that forgiveness or a lack of forgiveness won't affect in some profound way. That is absolutely true. People have asked me through the years, well what about if they don't ask for forgiveness?

I mean that seems to be the most common question. If they don't ask for forgiveness, if they don't repent and seek forgiveness, should I forgive them anyway? Answer, of course you should forgive them anyway. Why would you carry around unforgiveness?

Look, the relationship may not be restored. You may have to wait until they come to you with repentance to restore the relationship, but why should you carry bitterness around? You know you've forgiven them when the bitterness is gone and all you feel for them is love and you go from wanting to hurt them or find something that hurts them to wanting the best for them. You know you're forgiven in your heart when all you want for that person is the very best. You know in this culture we're taught to hate. We're taught to hate at every possible level and we're justified in our hate because if somebody does something that we don't like and you know we sort of justify hate because of what's being done to us either personally or politically.

But why would you cultivate hate and desire vengeance? Forgiveness frees your heart and you know you have forgiven when all you desire for someone is the very best, the very best. That's the evidence of real forgiveness in the heart.

And then of course you pray and wait for the opportunity that person might come back and ask you forgiveness and then the relationship can be restored. All of this and a whole lot more is in the book The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness. Again, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness, really important truth for every life and every relationship. You can order it today from grace to you.

Free shipping on our U.S. orders. Yes, and friend, a deep understanding of forgiveness can transform your marriage. It'll improve your relationship with your children, strengthen your testimony at work, and so much more. Make sure you fully grasp God's amazing forgiveness of you and how you can demonstrate forgiveness to others. Pick up John's book The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness today. To order, call 800-55-GRACE weekdays from 730 to 4 o'clock pacific time, or go to our website anytime GTY.org.

The title to ask for, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness. Again, get a copy when you call us at 800-55-GRACE or visit GTY.org. Let me also remind you that Grace to You is supported by listeners just like you, people who benefited from this verse-by-verse Bible teaching. When you make a donation, you help us take Bible-centered resources across the globe, bringing spiritual nourishment to families, people at work, full-time pastors and church elders, and even men and women in prison. To connect hungry listeners with biblical truth, mail your gift to Grace to You, Box 4000, Panorama City, CA 91412, or you can donate at our website GTY.org, or when you call 800-55-GRACE.

That number translates to 800-55-47223. Now for John MacArthur, I'm Phil Johnson inviting you to be back tomorrow. We're going to be airing a special interview where John answers some of the most common questions we receive from husbands and wives. Join us for some straight talk on marriage, family, and Christian living when we return tomorrow with 30 minutes of unleashing God's truth, one verse at a time on Grace to You.