God's Pattern for Husbands, Part 2

Welcome to Grace To You with John MacArthur.

I'm your host, Phil Johnson. The buck stops here. A sign with those words sat on President Harry Truman's desk during his eight years in the Oval Office, and the motto symbolized his leadership style. As Truman explained more than once, those words meant that there is no shirking responsibility.

Someone has to be held accountable. Certainly a good motto for husbands to follow, and it's a biblical one as you'll see today on Grace To You. John MacArthur is continuing his fulfilled family study by focusing on the leadership responsibilities that God has given to men in the home. So take your Bible and turn to the book of Ephesians as John begins today's lesson. And by God's will, clearly expressed in Scripture, the man is the head of the household. He is the leader.

He is the one responsible for the success of the marriage, the success of the family, the well-being of everyone involved. So say what we must and we must say it about the women's liberation movement. Say what we must and will say about feminism and its agenda.

Say what we will about the satanic assault on the proper role of a woman. We also cannot ignore the issue of male irresponsibility, the issue of male liberation, which perhaps in the end is even more devastating. It would seem to me that feminism would have a much tougher time surviving, let alone gaining ground in a world where men understood their responsibility clearly. And we are asking the question today, and it's a question that all of us ponder, where are the strong husbands? Where are the loyal, loving, leading husbands and fathers? Where are those men who are the backbone, the solid framework of structure on which you can build a marriage and build a family and build a society? Men have developed their own agendas, their own goals, pursuing their own achievements, living in worlds, for the most part, isolated completely from the family, out of the house, pursuing personal goals, active in their own world of business, and passive largely in the home. They are in their world aggressive, doers, problem solvers, coming up with all kinds of innovative and respect from the strangers in their other world. They are driven to achieve.

And in the home, for the most part, they appear passive, indifferent, and irresponsible. Listen to this letter. She goes on. Me, silence. Please, O God, let him open up. I initiate once again for the thousandth time.

My heart pounds. Oh, how can I word it this time? What can I say that will open the door to just talk?

I don't have to have a deep, meaningful conversation, just something. As I open my mouth, he gets up and goes to the bedroom. The door closes behind him.

The light showing under the door gives way to darkness, and so does my hope. I sit alone on the couch. My heart begins to ache. I'm tired of being alone. Hey, I'm married. I have been for years.

Why do I sit alone? The sadness undergoes a change slowly, then with increased fervor, I get mad. I am mad. I'm sick and tired of living with a sissy, a wimp, a coward. You know, he's afraid of me. Hostile, you say? You better believe it. I'm sick and tired of living in a world of passive men.

She continues the letter. My two sons like sports. They're pretty good. They could be a lot better if their dad would take a little of his precious time and play catch with them. I'm sorry.

Catch, once a year, at the church picnic, doesn't quite make the boys into great ball players. But dad's too busy. He's at work. He's at the health club. He's riding his four-wheeler. He's working on the car. He's playing golf. He's tired. He's watching a movie. He's looking great in sports.

They could have been good, really good. My daughter's a teenager. She likes boys, and they notice her. They pay attention to her.

She responds, I know what's coming. I try to talk to her, but it's not me she wants. It's dad.

Yeah, dad. If he'd just hug her, notice her, talk to her, just a little. She wouldn't need those boys so much, but no.

So she turns elsewhere for attention and love, and there's really nothing I can do. A mom isn't enough. Kids need a father and not just a body, a passive, silent presence.

And here's the killer. My husband's father did the same number on him. Didn't hug him. Didn't take him to anything, let alone watch his baseball games. And he hates his father. Now my husband's doing the same thing.

And she goes on with a few words and ends the letter. It's a very individual scene, but it's not an uncommon one, is it? It just feels like those are the kind of things that all of us know are experienced by women. We can explain those things sociologically, but that's really only a force.

That's really only a pressure. That's really only a venue of temptation. That's really not the explanation. The explanation for the breakdown of male leadership is the fact that men no longer obey the Word of God. In fact, throughout our society, most men have no idea what it says, and when they find out, they're not interested in following it. There are so many passive and indifferent and weak men in the home who out there in the world are strong and aggressive. But when it comes to their families, they have abandoned the responsibility to their wives. They have forfeited their character. They have really forfeited their manhood. And they have abandoned their leadership. Therefore, their marriage forfeits the ideal, so does the family.

And what do you expect but chaos? And where can we start? Where can we pick up the pieces of all of this? I think for Christian men, we have to start here. The heart of being the man God desires you to be is to get a grip on the responsibility you have for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being of your wife and your family.

That's where you begin. Moral and spiritual leadership, as well as emotional and physical security, strength and protection, lifelong provision and support, that is what male headship is all about. It's not something mystical.

It's something very practical. And if we're ever going to get back men in leadership, it's going to begin in the home. It's going to begin when men take their responsibility given by God, Christian men, for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being of their wives and families.

Far more important than that you have some kind of success in your career even with a view toward having a good testimony. Far more important that you express the unique role that you have as a man, first of all, in your own home. Over in 1 Peter, if I might remind you, 1 Peter 3, 7, look at it for just a moment because I want to incorporate this text because I think it's a rich one. Here you have a command to husbands, verse 7, 1 Peter 3, 2 This spells out a dimension of that love that's very important. Your love means to live with your wife in an understanding way. Understand her. That is to be considerate, not harsh domination.

Gracious, respectful understanding. You are to understand God's plan and purpose for marriage. You are to understand your wife's needs, desires, longings, and frustrations. You are to understand her strengths and her weaknesses. And you are to understand how to please God by honoring her as a fellow Christian, a fellow heir of the grace of life. And when you do that, there's a great reward.

Your prayers are not hindered. So this love involves understanding, understanding everything about her, treating her with consideration, bringing strength to her weakness, providing leadership. It is a love that knows no tyranny, only sacrifice. It is a love that does not exalt itself, but humbles itself, as evidenced by the great self-giving of Jesus Christ for unworthy sinners who were His chosen bride. The standard is thus set for this love from husbands.

Even if it is undeserved, it is given lavishly and sacrificially. The second we saw last time, it is a purifying love. Verses 26 and 27, Christ loved the church enough to sanctify her.

Verse 26, to cleanse her by the washing of water with the Word that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless. You are to love your wife in such a way that you work toward her godliness. It is a love that sacrifices. It is a love that purifies. In other words, it's a spiritually uplifting love.

It's a spiritually beneficial love. It has the effect of making her more holy, of leading her to the place where you allow her full beauty to shine. The beauty of a woman is not external. The beauty of a woman is internal. It is her glory that shines through her, the work of God in her heart.

Man looks on the outward appearance. God looks on the heart. The Bible says women, don't be concerned about adorning the outside, but adorn your heart. Husband, it is your responsibility to sacrifice yourself to meet her needs. It is your responsibility to lead her to ever-increasing virtue. Your goal is to give your life on her behalf and to lead her to godliness and virtue.

That she should be holy and blameless even as Christ endeavors to lead His church. Thirdly, it is a caring love. It is a caring love. Verse 28, so husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. Now what does it mean to love your wife as your own body?

Well, it's just a very simple concept. We take care of our own body. We care for it. If it's sick, we put it down in bed so it can get better. If it's hungry, we feed it. If it's thirsty, we give it to drink. If it's disheveled, we clean it. We take care of it.

Feeding, clothing, comforting, whatever. And that's the essence of this. The issue here is to give attention to meeting needs, to being concerned to fulfill each requirement with great alacrity, great speed, and great devotion. We are called to treat our wives with the same preoccupation we give to ourselves. Now notice down in verse 31 that you compare this verse, very important. For this cause, this is quoting obviously from back in Genesis chapter 2. For this cause, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

Just bring that in at this point because I want to make a single point out of that. When you got married, you became one. You became one. So in a sense, you are one body. And back then in verse 28 when he says you ought to love your wives as your own bodies, you want to remember this, that when you got married, you became one body. And if her needs are met, your needs are met. If her needs are not met, believe me, your needs won't be met either. You give her the same care you give yourself. You take care of her as if she were you because you are one in an indivisible oneness.

Is that not true? When you were married, you became one flesh. If you want real happiness in your marriage, care for your wife and all her needs with the same devotion you give to yourself because you are inseparable. We have a little sign that hangs in the kitchen.

I don't know who gave it to us. It's a good reminder. It says, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

And I'll tell you something right now, that goes for you. If you want to be a happy husband, you have a happy wife, right? If you want to be a fulfilled husband, you have a fulfilled wife. You want real happiness in your marriage, then treat her as you treat yourself. You could even embellish that a little bit and say this, since she is a Christian, remember that she's not just one with you, but she's one with Christ as well. Careful how you treat her. Remember Matthew 18, one of these little ones who believe in me, if you lead them into sin, lead her into sin, you'd be better off.

A millstone hanged around your neck and you were drowned in the depths of the sea. If you cause your spouse to sin, you'd be better off dead. You lead them to holiness. In that same 18th chapter, Jesus says you are to receive these little ones in My name and you're receiving Me. You're not to look down on them, treat them with disrespect. You're to guard them and protect them.

That's even a compounding responsibility. In marriage, she is one with you, men. In salvation, she is one with Christ, therefore you are bound together with Him. He comes to you through her. How you treat her is how you treat Him. If you don't love your wife in a caring way, you don't know how to take care of yourself appropriately because you're going to be miserable.

You're going to be miserable. And she also does the church. Verse 29 says, No one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it and she is your flesh.

You are one flesh and you must take care of her as yourself. That's how Christ cares for His church. He meets the church's needs. In John 14, verses 13 and 14, we read this, Whatever you ask in My name, Jesus said, That will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it. That's the Lord Jesus saying to His people, I will meet your needs.

It's repeated again in different words. Philippians 4 19, My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. God will meet all your needs through Jesus Christ. God says, Seek first the kingdom and all these things shall be added. He meets all our needs, not in all our wants, but all our needs. Men, we are the providers, we are the protectors, we are the preservers, we are the resources for our wives and our families, and that is our responsibility. And when their needs are met and we care for them as we would care for ourselves, then we have the kind of relationship that God wants us to have.

Back to Ephesians chapter 5 again, verse 29, which we commented briefly on, I just want to be a little more specific. Paul says, No one ever hated his own flesh. I mean, it is not normal to hate yourself. You take care of yourself.

That's normal. You take care of yourself with great concern and great care. And that is precisely the way you are to take care of your spouse.

Nobody hates his own flesh. You nourish it, you cherish it, just as Christ also does the church. So if you want your marriage to be blessed, you take care of your wife. When you know she has a need, you seek to meet it. When you know she has a secret longing in her heart, and it's certainly reasonable and will add to her virtue and her well-being and her happiness and her ability to fulfill her role, you do everything you can to meet that need. Something is seriously wrong when a man sees his wife as a cook and a clothes washer and a babysitter and a sex partner, and that's it.

Something is seriously wrong when he puts her in the place of the breadwinner. She is a God-given treasure to be cared for, to be cherished, to be nourished, to be your loving helper, to fulfill your need for companionship, for the fulfillment of physical desire, for the fulfillment of love and partnership and friendship, and to produce children in a home. Notice those two terms, nourish and cherish, in verse 29. Nourish means to feed, ek trefo. It's a word used primarily of bringing up children.

It's used over in chapter 6, verse 4, where it says bring them up. We think about bringing up our children. We think about nourishing, feeding, developing, nurturing our children, but do we think of that with regard to our wives?

I think most men just disregard that responsibility, see the wife as responsible for the kids and go charging out into their own world. We're responsible to nourish her so she, in her marvelous role, can effectively nourish the children as she has been given opportunity. Then the word cherish literally means, a beautiful word, to warm with body heat. It's sometimes translated to melt. It means to soften. It is used of a mother bird who just pulls in all the little baby birds and keeps them all cozy and warm in her feathers. It means to provide a nest, warmth, security, to soften her, to a meek and quiet spirit, to support her, to care for her.

I tell you, pretty challenging in the world in which we live today when women are raised to be tough and independent. It takes a great man, it takes a tremendous amount of spiritual leadership to soften a woman, to warm a woman, to melt her down to a meek and quiet spirit, to provide a nest and security and strength and warmth. She is not the nourisher. She is not the provider.

You're to do that. That is the man's responsibility. And if a man doesn't do that, according to 1 Timothy 5-8, he is denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. Throughout Scripture, the man is always the provider, as Christ is the provider for His church.

That's key. We provide nothing. The church provides nothing. We just receive Christ's provision, protection, preservation, His care, His nourishing, His cherishing. It comes to us in a sense it's very one-sided.

Men, we are to provide that in our homes. That's John MacArthur. He's chancellor of the Master's University and Seminary in Southern California, and his current study is The Fulfilled Family. It's the most in-demand series in Grace To You's 52-year history. And you know, whether we're dealing with a passage on the family or the church or any subject, God's Word is relevant for every era, every culture, every demographic group. And a prime example of how that works itself out is the MacArthur Study Bible and the growth and expansion of that Bible outside the English language. John, I know you're excited about that. Yeah, it's been amazing.

I think it was back in 1997 that the first MacArthur Study Bible came out, obviously in English. You know, it was a lot of work. It was years and years of accumulating all that and really three years of writing all the notes. When it was done, I was thinking, boy, this is something I wouldn't have to do again.

I wouldn't want to do again. It's too daunting. And yet, how amazing it is that God has brought along faithful, godly, capable translators to take this and put it into Spanish, French, German, Russian, Italian, Arabic, Chinese, and Portuguese. It's just overwhelming to me. In fact, I have a copy of the Arabic MacArthur Study Bible, and they have a kind of tradition toward sacred books that it's leather, but it comes in a beautiful box.

It's engraved with a box. It's really an amazing thing. I keep it on my shelf to remind me to pray for the people in the Arab world that the gospel will penetrate the darkness and bring them the light. So having the MacArthur Study Bible in all these languages lets me remind the folks out there who speak English—I hope you have one.

I really do. I hope you have one in English if that's your language, and it probably is if you're listening to me now. But if you want more information on Study Bibles in other languages, and even more than that, if you want information on our Grace Reaches Out program, where people can download hundreds of sermons now in French, Portuguese, Mandarin, and Arabic, go to the website, click on the Sermons tab, scroll down the page, find the heading for Grace Reaches Out.

Take advantage of all these opportunities and do it now. Yes, and friend, please be praying for this translation work. It's our goal to get John's verse-by-verse teaching to anyone who wants it in whatever language they understand. And if you'd like to purchase a MacArthur Study Bible in English or in one of the other languages John mentioned, all you have to do is contact us today.

Call toll-free anytime, 800-55-GRACE, or go to our website, gty.org. This all-in-one spiritual library has 25,000 study notes covering virtually every passage of Scripture, as well as introductions to each book and dozens of maps and charts. It also has sections showing you how we got the Bible and how you can study God's Word effectively. It's an ideal resource for any student of Scripture. Again, to order the MacArthur Study Bible, call us at 800-55-GRACE, or go to our website, gty.org. And when you get in touch, make sure to let us know how you're listening, whether it's on your local radio station, online, or through the Grace To You app. Of course, we'd also love to hear how John's verse-by-verse teaching has encouraged you. Perhaps God even used John's teaching to bring you to salvation. If so, let us know. Drop your note to letters at gty.org, or you can reach us at Grace To You, Box 4000, Panorama City, CA 91412. Now, for John MacArthur and the entire Grace To You staff, I'm Phil Johnson, reminding you to watch Grace To You television this Sunday, and then be here next week for another 30 minutes of unleashing God's truth, one verse at a time, on Grace To You.