Nurture Your Wife, Stay Married for Life!

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Join our monthly support team today by calling 800 the letter A and the word family, 800-AFAMILY, or donate at focusonthefamily.com slash families. Men and women are just different. I like to eat at restaurants like the Olive Garden. I like to eat at restaurants like Kentucky Fried Chicken. I like frozen yogurt. Yogurt is a joke.

It's a joke. Well, that's Jane and Dan Seaborn having some fun explaining contrasts that often occur between men and women and how those differences can impact your marriage. Welcome to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us. This is a great presentation from a Promise Keepers event recorded back in the 90s. And here's why we're airing this timeless message today. Dan is challenging men to really think about what it means to follow the biblical admonition to nourish and cherish your wife in spite of all of the differences that you have in your relationship.

Let me quickly set up the visuals for you. Dan is speaking at a large stadium filled with men and on stage he has a candle burning and the flame represents a marriage. Later on, you'll hear him use a squirt gun and fire extinguisher as he explains how that marriage flame can be extinguished. Dan is very creative on the stage and Dan Seaborn for that reason is a much sought after speaker.

He's an author and the founder and president of Winning at Home. Jane Seaborn is a former math teacher who enjoys coaching women to love their husbands in practical ways. And here now are the Seaborns on today's episode of Focus on the Family. I want to tell you guys that yesterday I'm going to do a little confession before I start. Yesterday I wasn't a good husband. My wife and I flew down here.

I've been traveling to Alabama and other places. She's sitting right here. She's going to do something in a minute with me.

You'll meet her, Jane. This week I've been up three or four nights this week to one-thirty dealing with issues. I'm tired. I'd like to go home and not have issues for a few days. And some of you are sitting here and you've got like big burdens about you.

You'd love to bottle up what you felt this weekend and take it home. It didn't start out there, did it? See, I remember thinking and hearing about marriage and family and going, Oh man, when we get there that's going to be fun and easy.

Oh my goodness. Because I remember the first girl I ever dated I thought I was going to marry. That's the unity candle that represents unity. I thought I was going to get the unity candle with the first girl I ever liked. I remember I liked her a lot and I struck the match with her that I thought was going to get to the unity candle.

I thought I was going to marry that girl. I struck that match and it started burning and it burned out. I didn't get to the unity candle with her.

I didn't make it. And then I left first grade and in third grade I met Tina Harrison, old Tina Harrison. I grew up in South Carolina. She was a little South Carolina girl. I thought I was going to get the unity candle with Tina, but I didn't make it.

It burned out. I kept striking matches just to watch them burn, country song. I didn't know it at the time, but a girl named Jane was striking matches too. Finally, one day, I'm going to tell you how I met Jane. One of the things I want you guys to know is I'm one of you. You sometimes see speakers get up on your own stage and you probably have this thought like, Oh, he wrote a book. Let me say something about people that write books. Whoop dee doo. It just means that somebody did something to help them get it there.

They don't make you squat. But I want you to know, I am just like you. I struggle just like you. That's what I want you to see. I want to tell you how I met my wife because you're probably looking and you go, Oh, I bet he was out praying and the Lord brought her walking up to him.

Nope. We were in college and she was at a vending machine and she had put her money in. Obviously, the thing wasn't working and it didn't do it right and it dropped it. You know when it gets hung up in there. The first time I saw her, she was reaching up like that right there. I walked up. My buddy David Hyatt was walking up.

It's a true story. I don't lie when I speak. I'm walking with my buddy David. I said, Whoa, whoa, whoa. I looked over and this girl, I didn't know who it was at the time, but she was standing there getting that thing out of that vending machine. I said to David, I'm going to go over there and help that girl.

If the front matches the back, we're good to go. That's what I said. Don't walk up to me and say, Oh, Mr. Spiritual Guru. Uh-uh. I didn't start out spiritual. We struck a match and we lit our unity candle.

I want you to know this summer it's been burning for a little over 10,000 days. The problem is we're not alike. I just can't get her to see that she's got some areas. She's got to really change for us to be alike. And see, we are really, really, really different people. In fact, I'm asking my wife to join me out here for a second. Help me welcome Jane. I want to just show you how different we are. Come on out, baby.

This is my wife, Jane, 25 years. She's a math teacher, so she uses the math part of her brain. I don't even get math. I always say to people, when X plus Y equals Z, it's over. You know, I don't get that. But what we've done here, for your sake, to help you understand how much like us, you know, you are and we're like you, we made a list of our differences. We did this, how long do you think, 10 years ago we started doing this?

And people enjoyed it. So I want to just kind of show you some of our differences. Let's do it, baby. To start with, I'm more of an introvert and being in front of you is not very comfortable for me.

Yep, that's right. Okay. But I told her she'd do this, I'd take care of her later, so she's willing to do it. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. I like hot tea. I like sweet and nice tea. I don't like to be sweaty.

Oh, I love to sweat. To me, yellow lights mean you're supposed to stop. To mean yellow lights mean floor it, baby, floor it. Dan drives way too fast. She drives way too slow. And I keep both eyes on the road when I'm driving. I keep both my eyes on her when I'm driving. And Dan drives too close to the car in front of him and too close to the center line when he's driving.

And Jane drives too close to the center of every pothole in the stinking road when she drives. You got a wife like that? I'm like, honey, didn't you see it coming?

I like my chicken deep-fried and Crisco all uncovered in chicken bait. We got to do a women's conference sometimes so all the women will cheer for your stuff. Whenever I stand in front of the mirror, it's to primp and get ready. I'm flexing, man.

I'm checking it out, you know. And I like for things to stay the same. Yeah, I change something every day. It's just my style. Yeah, and when we disagree, he wants to just talk it to death.

And she's the one that gets really quiet, and that just drives me crazy. When we golf, I'm patient with groups in front of us if we have to wait. I like to sting a ball right off their forehead, man.

That ticks me off. Hurry up. Hit the ball. You're no good.

That's why you're so slow. I like baked potatoes. French fries.

I like ranch dressing. French. I like to cuddle and kiss.

French. I prefer water over pop any day. I prefer pop over water any day. And one of my favorite things in life to do is to read a good novel. I like to read the comics. I like to sleep in warm nighties. I prefer to sleep in the buff. And I enjoy watching movies like Sleepless in Seattle. I fell asleep watching the movie Sleepless in Seattle. I like quiet music.

Give me something with a beat. Careful. Risky. Analytical. Emotional. Peacemaker.

Confrontational. I like to eat at restaurants like the Olive Garden. I like to eat at restaurants like Kentucky Fried Chicken. I like frozen yogurt. Yogurt is a joke.

It's a joke. I wouldn't say I'm good, but I'm okay around the house with a tool. She's very good with tools. I'm actually not good with tools.

You're good with tools. I prefer a good massage. I like to be very lightly scratched. And I think it's important to look nice when you leave the house.

It does not matter how you look when you leave your house. I like the color fuchsia. Blue. I think kittens are cute.

Dead. I always iron my clothes. Wrinkles are cool. I love to watch shows like CSI. I love to watch shows like ESPN. I prefer small groups.

I like a big crowd. And I would never, ever yell at a ref at a ball game. You know, somebody's got to tell those clowns when they're wrong.

You know? Sometimes if we're at a game and like I'm yelling at a ref or something, you know, I hardly ever do it. When I do it, Jane will be like, honey, they recognize your voice, you know, because I do radio and stuff. And so I'll go, you're a ref. You're an idiot. You're a liar. Change your voice, you know. If you're a ref, God bless you.

Thanks for your ministry. Mind the world. When I see a sign, I follow the rules.

I don't even see the signs. When I'm sick, I don't whine. I don't mean to, but I need her when I'm sick. I don't think that physical intimacy needs to be such a big focus in a marriage. I agree.

I think once a day is plenty. Okay. I don't have a lot of time. It's going to be your afternoon if we get out of your light. Sometimes his parents drive me crazy. Ditto.

I will stop and ask for directions. God had blessed me with an internal compass. And in spite of all of these and many, many more differences, I still love this man. I love you too, baby. You're awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Well, I share that with you on purpose because I want you to know, before I share what I'm about to say about this candle, before I tell you how to keep it burning, before I tell you what Satan's trying to do to put yours out, I want you to understand you're not looking at a couple that just get in their home and just everything flows along like, no, not at all in the seaborne home.

I told you I was up three or four nights this week to 1.30. Okay. You get it?

I got a 21-year-old, an 18-year-old, a 16-year-old, a 12-year-old. We got issues in our house. You get it? Okay. So I'm trying to help you understand.

I relate to your life. And so what I have to do is instead of saying, Dan's got the answers, instead of saying that, I want to show you what's happening in our society. I want you as a group of guys to step back for a second and I want you to look at your life because some of you are 12 and you're striking matches. Some of you are 21 and you're thinking about that girl. You're dating her and you're really close to asking her. Some of you have been through five divorces. I don't know, I bet somebody here has been through five times and you're going, what's wrong with me?

How can I do it? Well, the first thing I want you to know is that candle that's burning up there, I want you to get this. This is real important. You got to step back and see it. We think that marriage is about us like me and Jane.

It's not. When God designed marriage, he looked down from heaven and was like, okay, I got to somehow help these people understand what heaven is supposed to look like. So if I can get a man, and this is all throughout scripture, Revelation, Ephesians, if I can get a man to act like Christ and a woman to act like the church, I'll put them together and I'll have a little piece of heaven on earth and God goes, oh, that's what I'll do. I'll design a man and a woman to stay married for life and I'll give them, oh, then the kids growing up in that house, they'll be like, oh, this is like heaven. And so Satan said, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to cause divorce and I'm going to tear this family to shreds and I'm going to help kids learn what it is to grow up in hell on earth. And let me just ask you guys a question here, okay? Listen, would you say that your home, as you look at it, would you say it's more like heaven or more like hell?

I'll be honest with you and tell you, there are days I feel like mine, just a little piece of hell. But my goal is, as a man, listen to me, you guys sitting in this room, listen to me, you're the owners of the responsibility of loving your wife and children in awesome and crazy ways, okay? And I'm going to show you right now. I'm going to have to do it really quick here. Up here on this thing now, I want you to look. We've got a candle burning. And I want to show you what's happening in our society. Let me tell you what I see some of you men doing. You're doing it right now in your houses.

You did it before you came here. Some of you have put like this globe over your marriage candle and you're snuffing your own marriage out. You're not honoring your wife. You're not celebrating her. You're not lifting her up. You don't encourage her. You don't say things to her like, I cherish you. I love you.

I want to be a good husband to you. And you've put out the candle. There's no oxygen to give candle flame to this thing. See, it's out. And it's just a little puff of smoke left.

If I like this candle and I get it going and it gets to burning, there's enough oxygen in this place right here that it's not going out as long as that wick is there. And you as men need to understand a lot of you go, why am I having so much trouble in my family? Why am I struggling with my children? Why is my marriage not doing well? Because you're snuffing it out by the way you live. Yesterday, I was snuffing out my marriage.

I was being critical. Jane couldn't do anything right on the plane down here. I'd be like, well, why are you doing that? And she finally just looked at me and said, can I do anything right? She was right. I had to turn to my wife yesterday and say, baby, I'm wrong. I'm being terrible. I said, here I am going down there to speak to all these guys. And as a husband right now, I mean, I'm not doing good at all.

I'm just terrible. And I want to tell you that I believe that we as people need to understand and especially as men need to get the fact that we are responsible to keep this flame burning. And you, listen to me guys, it's you that's got to go home and do it. And beyond, listen, I'm talking about the globe is you snuffing it out. Let me tell you something else that's going on in our society. Oh, yeah. They're kind of shooting at that candle.

And they're saying, you know what? Marriage isn't a man and a woman. Marriage is a man and a man. Marriage is a man and adultery. And marriage is a man having a couple of women to sleep around with. Marriage is a man with his girls at the bar. And they're shooting at your candle saying, oh, go ahead and put it out, man. It's silly.

Just put it out. Society is trying to redefine marriage. Let me just say this.

It's really bold and really strong. And you get in trouble for this around our nation. So I'm getting in trouble right now. Marriage was designed by God. You didn't come up with it and I didn't come up with it. God came up with it. If he came up with it, don't mess with it. Don't mess with it.

So while society shoots at it, you keep yours burning. Keep teaching your children that marriage has gotten man-made. Marriage has gotten made. And the next thing, oh, Satan, man, he's sneaky. He's walking around looking for some couple. He can just blow out of the water. Oh, yeah. He's ready. He's walking around going, boy, if I could put that flame out. I'll tell you how he does this.

He does this with adultery, pornography. A lot of you right now know that in your life, Satan's shooting pornography, all of you. Tried to shoot it at me last night.

I stayed right here in the Marriott with my wife, Jane, laying in bed last night late. Tried to shoot it at me, man. Some trash came on television. I said, Jane, you got to turn it off, babe. I got to turn it off. And I'm telling you, get some protection.

Because Satan wants to use that trash to knock down your marriage. And you boys who are here that are 12, 13, 14, 15, 11, 10, 9, 8, when I was your age, I started seeing it. And it messed me up. Even as a young boy, I didn't realize it, but Satan was putting that stuff in my life and I let myself look at it, and it messed me up. Took me years to work out of it.

And I still have to be careful. You say, I remember one time talking to my grandpa. He was 80, rocking on his front porch. And I said to him, boy, grandpa, I can't wait till I'm your age and don't struggle with seeing women and all that stuff. He was rocking. He stopped on his rocker up on the front, the little porch, and six miles south of me. He rocked up on the front and he goes, what are you talking about, boy? He's 80. I'm like, grandpa, you like to see a woman and that still messes with you?

And he just went, whoa, boy, whoa, boy. So I'm figuring this never stops. So what am I going to do? What am I going to do in a world when you walk in the malls, pretty much the women are nude in the pictures? Well, the Bible says that as men, you're to go home and you are to love your wife, Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25, as Christ loved the church.

You need to go home and love her that way. And it starts with you praying for her. It'd be awesome if some of you would walk through the door and the first thing before you say anything, I say, baby, come here a second. The Lord's spoken to me this weekend. I pray together that all the stuff he's put in my heart, the Lord will guide me through it. Because you've got to know, like, as soon as you hit these exits, as soon as you hit these exits, Satan's sitting out there in the parking lot going, come on out, boy, come on out. I've been waiting for you to dismiss so I can dismiss. And he's waiting for you.

And you've got to go, no, Satan, I claim through the blood of Jesus Christ that I can go home and love my wife, love my kids like Christ loved the church. That's what you've got to do. And then I'm going to challenge you guys to do something. And I want to tell you, listen, I've got to tell you why it matters.

It's going to take me a second. I've got to tell you a story to set up why it matters. When my boys were six and three, when they were six and three, I started doing something with them. We didn't have very much money at all. But I'm a big NBA fan, man.

I love it. And I wanted to buy basketball cards, little packs of them when I was young, married, et cetera. But we didn't have a lot of money.

And we had kids, two boys, six and three. And Jane didn't let me spend that money. So I couldn't buy them for me. So I started buying them for the kids.

You can get justified. Like Jane, I had to get these for the boys. And then I took them away from them. And then we started doing this. And when they were little, I'd tuck them in bed, I'd pray over them.

And then I would say, I remember the first night I kind of did this. They were laying in their beds and I said, hey, boys. And they had a little room. They kind of shared together. Two beds, the same kind of room. I said, boys, did you guys look under your pillows? And they're like, what do you mean, Dad? I said, look under your pillows. And that first night, they reached back and they pulled out from under their pillows a little pack of NBA cards.

And man, we would run over. We went over to Alan's bed and we opened those cards up. And it was a festival. It was like, did you get a Michael Jordan? It was a big thing, getting a Jordan, you know? So we opened those cards up, pulled them out. We looked through them.

And if you got a Jordan, it was like, I couldn't even sleep, so excited. So we did this for a long time. I mean, for years. Those boys were six and three. And I did it for years and years and years.

So much so that Jane knows this is true. When we would move, it would be like, what are we going to do with all these cards? Because we had a lot of cards. And I did that on bat. When they had tough days, I'd put them in a little pack of cards.

I'd play all kind of games with them. But to make the story short, I, the other week, had a really, really tough couple of weeks. That deal, I was telling them, I stayed up to 1.30, wasn't going so good. And I had one of those days.

I don't know if you've ever had this. I actually went to bed early, like about 8, 8.30. I went to bed early so nothing else bad could happen that day.

You ever had one of those days? I said to Jane, I'm going to bed. If the phone rings, don't tell me. So I went to bed. I'm laying in bed. I'm trying to go to sleep. I'm restless.

You've been there. And I'm laying in bed. And my sons came in that night to tuck us in. We have reached an age in our life where our kids tuck us in. I ask for cookies. I tell them I've got to pee.

I do all kind of stuff. And that's sad, but that is true. But I finished. You know, Alan came in, I should say, and he went over to his mom.

He's 21. He prayed for his mom and gave her a goodnight kiss. Then he came around to my side of the bed.

And I was at that in-out stage, you know. And I was there just kind of, hey Alan. He goes, hey Dad. He gave me a kiss on my hand. He goes, Dad, I love you.

I know you've been having a hard time. He said, I prayed for you. You're a good dad. Thanks, son. Good night.

Good night. And he started to walk away. And as he was leaving the room, he looked back and he said, hey Dad, did you check under your pillow? No lie. And I went, don't mess with me, man.

Don't mess with me. He goes, no, seriously. I pushed my hand back behind my pillow. And I honestly started crying.

And I pulled that little NBA pack out from behind my head. And he had written a note on it. He said, hey Dad, I know you've been having a tough couple of weeks. I wanted you to know that you're an awesome dad. And I love you.

P.S., don't ever forget to check under your pillow. That's what the little note said. I started crying like that.

I mean, it was awesome. And I said, well, come on. Sit on the bed with me.

Let's open them up. So he came and he sat on the bed with me. We just spit. And we sat there. But you know what? It didn't matter. It didn't matter. Now, here's why I told you that little story.

Listen to me very carefully. Four weeks ago, that 21-year-old boy stepped on a bus and moved to South Africa. I won't see him for one year.

He's going to work with AIDS orphans. And he got on that bus. And I started crying. A big bus came through, several people going, driving to the airport. And I'm standing here crying like a baby. I had, by the way, snuck a pack of NBA cards in his suitcase.

He didn't get anything. And so he's standing on the bottom ledge of the bottom step to get on that big bus to go. And I'm out here standing by the car. And I'm waving. And I'm crying. I'm crying hard. My wife, Jane, the one you just met, she walked up. She put her arm through my arm. She's crying like crazy.

And then she said this to me. Honey, we've tried to stay married and give him a good example. We've loved him all these years. And we've worked for 21 years to give him to God. Let's let him go.

And we cried together. And I said to my wife, I said, baby, we've given him a lot of things. I've given him cards. We've given him this. We support him to go to Africa. But I think probably one of the greatest gifts we ever gave him.

You ready? That flame's still burning. And today, I'm not stupid. I know some of you are single parents and you'd love for your flame to still be burning. I want you to understand that your witness as a parent, even through a divorce, is huge.

Single parents are some of the greatest examples of Christ I've ever seen. And I want to tell you today that my challenge for you is that the Lord would help you. Listen to me. The Lord would help you go home and be men who keep the candle burning.

Listen, stay married for life. Well, we're going to have to end right there on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, with a great message from Dan Seaborn and his wife, Jane. And our thanks to our friends at Promise Keepers for letting us share this message with you today.

Yeah, we're running out of time, John, so let's wrap up with a great follow-up resource. We've put together a free collection of audio downloads with over four hours of encouragement for your marriage, including this message from the Seaborns. You'll learn what both husbands and wives can do to cultivate a better relationship. Look for the free collection called Nurturing the Heart of Your Spouse when you visit us online.

And let me just remind you, Focus on the Family is a pro-marriage ministry. We want your relationship to be healthy and thriving. And we also want to invite you to be a lifeline to other couples who need help, too. Our research shows that over the past 12 months, we've helped 750,000 couples strengthen and even save their marriages. And I think that's awesome.

It really is wonderful. You can be a part of our ministry to marriages by becoming a monthly donor to Focus on the Family. That's how Gene and I support the ministry. We've set a goal of finding 1,000 people to join our community of monthly sustainers who care deeply about healthy marriages and healthy families. Please consider becoming a part of the team, won't you? Join us when you call 800, the letter A in the word family.

That's 800-232-6459. Or you can donate online and access that free audio collection, Nurturing the Heart of Your Spouse when you click the link in the show notes. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Please take a moment and leave a rating for us in your podcast app and share this episode with a friend. That will help spread the word and the impact of this great content. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.