Deciphering the Secret Language of Your Spouse's Heart (Part 2 of 2)

Focus on the Family has great resources for all types of families, and what I would encourage you to do is to go on their website, poke around, see what type of resources are available. They have an 800 number that you can call, you can talk to someone, you can even pray with someone at Focus on the Family, and they will steer you in the right direction. Linda is a big believer in our mission to strengthen and support families, and that's why she gives monthly to Focus. You know, whether it's just getting resources online or being able to make monetary donations, it's a great ministry. I'm Jim Daly. Working together, we can be a lifeline to families, giving them godly truth and hope.

Join our monthly support team today by calling 800, the letter A in the word family, or visit focusonthefamily.com slash families. It has to start with somebody. Why not let love start with you? Because there's no downside if we choose to be a loving person towards our mate.

We become a loving person in all of our life. Well, that's Pam Farrell, and she and her husband Bill joined us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, offering tips on how to communicate more effectively with your spouse and unlock their heart. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller. John, I so appreciated both Pam and Bill's comments.

It was funny, actually, and I think it was funny because it was so close to home, right? And we could all identify with this idea of women needing security and men needing success and to be each other's cheerleaders in that regard. I think, as Bill said yesterday, I think men struggle a bit more on how do we do that well? What does that mean?

I mean, I was looking for those ingredients, and he delivered. If you missed the conversation last time, go to the website, get the app at the smartphone, and you can hear everything and hear it when you want to. So I'd encourage you to go back and listen to day one.

Yeah, we're going to do a deeper dive on some of these great concepts that we heard last time. Bill and Pam Farrell have been in marriage ministry for over 40 years now, and they started the organization called LoveWise. They speak at conferences. They write. They're on podcasts and TV shows, and we're so glad to have them back here talking about their book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples, The Keys for Unlocking Love. It's a terrific resource, and you can get a copy from us here at the ministry.

We've got the link in the show notes. Bill and Pam, welcome back for day two. It's good to have you.

Yeah, thanks for that stamina, and we're looking forward to it. It was so good last time. I mean, I was laughing inside going, oh my gosh, this is Gina and I.

It's everybody. Sometimes you're in a good place. Sometimes you're not in as good a place.

Let me put it that way. We didn't get to something I wanted to get to last time, and that is this acrostic that you use for marriage. So let's move through that, maybe quickly list them, and then we'll go back and pick off a couple. Yeah, we did talk about that line of trust, and that marriage is better when we're above that line of trust. And so if you look at the main areas that we need to unlock success for him and security for her, it would be the mystery of love.

How are we different, and how can we use those differences for us? The M in marriage. And then the A in marriage is affection.

How can we just be kind? Like, honestly, Bill and I think if we were just nice to each other, the divorce rate would go down. I mean, just that one night alone. And then recreation, developing that active, you know, friendship. Couples that work out together actually have more red hot monogamy, and they live longer.

Okay, that's some good things, right? And then resolving conflict. That is a tough one for many people, especially folks like Bill and I that come from crazy dysfunction, right? And then intimacy is the I in marriage, and a little bit of red hot monogamy, and that happens when you live and love above that line of trust. And then activating alarms. There are alarms in each of our relationships that are kind of like warning signals.

Just picture a yellow flashing light, and God's trying to get your attention. And then golden goals. If we're like pulling together in the same direction, it is going to be a higher calling than just my happiness, than just, you know, one of our personal happiness and fulfillment, if we're pulling together for a cause and a reason. So golden goals is not retirement fund.

No, no. It's like every day. In our golden years. Let's pull together every day. So these are golden opportunities. Yes, exactly. And then lastly, the I in marriage is expressing yourself. Finding those uniquenesses in your spouse and applauding and running alongside those uniquenesses and working those uniquenesses into your marriage and family so that everybody's stronger and healthier. Okay, so let me pick some of these apart. We'll see. Mystery of love.

You know Charlie Brown. What I'm hearing with that is wah, wah, wah. Mystery of love.

Bill, what does that mean? The key is, it's actually not that complicated. It's accepting the fact you married somebody different than you.

Okay. So that is the mystery. You marry what you don't have. And because you don't have it, you're always trying to figure it out. It's why Romans 15, 7 says accept one another, just as Christ accepted you. It doesn't say understand each other.

It says accept. And I've been watching Pam for 45 years. I'm still waiting for the day that I can say I fully understand. But I still marvel at her. She responds in ways that I could never respond. That's good.

Yeah. She gets excited with our grandkids in a way I could never do. She has this very creative side to her that's fun to be around but hard to imitate. And the mystery of love is just accepting the fact that I married what I don't have and I need to stay curious for the rest of my life. And I married what I don't have in that, you know, if I really take advantage of the concept that God wants Bill to succeed, then I see this amazing pastor and he is so godly. And he's a wise father because he's fathering our kids differently and better than the dad that he had growing up. And so it helps you see if you step into that mystery, it helps you see your spouse from God's point of view. Yeah. Affection. Now I'm thinking we need to unpack each of these because they're all so good. Affection we covered a bit yesterday, but we didn't ask it this way, Pam. Men and women are going to see that maybe a little differently. Affection.

That sounds awesome. Let's get intimate. That's why you see it in there actually twice. The A for affection means like the overall kindness and niceness and gentleness that's in a marriage. And then the intimacy is like the guys enjoying red hot monogamy. But actually it's a gift that God gave both men and women, that intimacy. Okay. We're not going to cover all of marriage, but I do think too that I want to hit because they're so critical resolving conflict. I mean, that's like you got to know how to do that to survive.

Let's hit that one. And activating alarms kind of goes with that is that God loves your marriage so much that he wants to get your attention when there's going to be some conflict or there is some conflict that needs resolved. Like we were in a hotel and we were fast asleep and all of a sudden the lights came on automatically. The phone was ringing. There was buzzers going off. And we're here. We're hearing firemen knocking on all the doors. Fire, fire, fire. Like you could not ignore those alarms.

They were like so apparent. And that's the same in a relationship. Sometimes there's toxic things going on. But the problem was not in our room. The problem was in a storage room where a fire had broke out. And even though the alarm was going off and interrupting our life, the problem was not with us. So sometimes it's circumstantial.

They're difficult. Like let's say my cancer. That's not a part like that was entered into our marriage. But sometimes it is things from your past and there are alarms that are going off. And God is saying, Pam, you need to address this like father thing. Your dad was not a good dad, but I'm a great heavenly father.

So let's heal your heart. Bill, you know, you need to address this mom thing. Yeah, your mom was like she's really run by fear and very controlling. And I don't want you to run by fear and I don't want your marriage to run by fear. So there are areas of growth that God is pointing out for the benefit of the marriage, for the benefit of the family. And when those alarms go off, that is definitely the time to pick up the phone, call, focus on the family, get to one of those conferences, make a counseling appointment.

Bill does. He does a lot of relationship coaching through the Zoom now, too. And, you know, reach out to the marriage that you think is the strongest in your world, in your church, and just say, can we have some coffee?

Can we just get together? And it's amazing what one friend can help another friend do and move forward in their marriage. Yeah, we're actually doing marriage 911, which is developing mentors within churches. So that's something that you can call us and we'll tell you all about it. Yeah, we've got details.

You can call 800-A-FAMILY or stop by the show notes for further details. Bill, there's got to be more to resolving conflict. So, you know, in regards to resolving conflict, one of the things we encourage all couples to do is make a series of decisions about how you're going to face conflict. Because conflict's normal in marriage. You have an incredible amount of influence on each other, and often things you do, they just get to you. Like, I know there's two looks that Pam gets. One of the looks I love, and when she looks at me with that look, I'm like, I'll run through a brick building for that look. And then there's this other look that just, like, pierces the heart and slices and dices.

And nobody else on earth can do that. So conflict in marriage, it is normal. The problem with conflict is it's almost completely emotionally based. You very seldom enter a conflict because, well, I've been thinking about something, and then you get upset about it. No, you get upset because it emotionally stirred you up. And the thing I wish somebody had told me earlier in marriage is that our emotions follow our decisions. So if you decide how you're going to face conflict, it helps you.

You harness all the emotional energy, and you use it for yourself rather than just cause damage with it. And so a conflict covenant, a conflict commitment, that is an excellent place to start. Like, I promise not to run over you with the truck.

It's a good thing, you know, to have in that conflict covenant. The words, I'm going to throw the word divorce out. I'm not going to use it anymore. I'm not going to swear at you. I'm not going to hit you.

You know, basics should be in there. But also, like, where will you go? Who will you go to when you're in conflict that can't be resolved?

And, like, what are the healthy words? What are the healthy choices to make when we don't see eye to eye? And Pam and I, we actually decide we're going to follow a system. When we have to have a conflict with each other, we're actually going to follow a step-by-step system. Because we both grew up in crazy homes, so if we just do it spontaneously, we can revert to some of the old habits we grew up around. Like, conflict can build you, or it can tear your marriage apart.

So we built our system around the word solve. The S is we're going to seek God together. So before we have difficult conversations, we invite Jesus into the middle of it. And sometimes it's a really smooth prayer, you know, like, God, we need your help, and, you know, give us your words.

Sometimes it's pretty raw. Like, I don't really like the guy right now, so help me out, God. Like, God, if you don't help us right now, we're going to have a bad day, so, like, come on, show up.

Or something worse, yeah. And then the O is for open the conversation. And that is just giving each other the opportunity to vent.

Who wants to start first, basically. Right, and sometimes we need something physical to hold onto, like a piece of a carpet. You know where, okay Pam, you got the floor, and she'll give me the floor, and as long as you're holding the carpet, you get to talk. And we used to have a tennis ball that we would use, you know, the ball's in your court, but... I'm a little bit like, the ball's in your court! Yeah, it could be dangerous. Yeah.

Throw it to me. And we let that process go until it calms. And as soon as it calms down, then we shift to the next one, which is look deeper. And we're looking for the real issue. Like, what I've noticed in working with couples, is couples argue and argue, but they never get to the real issue. And so they don't solve anything, they just unload a bunch of emotion, and then they go their separate ways. And I can tell you, for me, if I'm in conflict with Pam, and it's because I caused it, it's usually because I feel left out. And that comes from being the youngest in my family who didn't get taken seriously, and having a very controlling mom. So I feel like I got left out of a lot of decisions in my life growing up, and when Pam leaves me out of a decision, I get frustrated. And so that's almost always the issue if I've caused it. And then the two others are verify options. Like, there's always ways to approach a problem.

Let's like brainstorm, bring all kinds of ideas. And we get stuck on, often we get stuck on two, and we fight for who's right. So we look for options, and then finally the E is we evolve to the answer. Because some things in life you can't solve. Like if you have a special needs child, you don't solve it. You know, in the journey we've been through going through chemo, you endure it, you don't solve it. You just have to get through it. So sometimes you have to evolve into the answer, and remember, we don't have an answer, but we have each other.

And we have a God who loves us. And the strength is in our connection. So activating alarms, you know, it's catching my attention. You've talked about how you process and problem solve. I did like in the book, you talked about that interrupted motivation. Money is usually a battle zone. So I was going to ask you originally, give me an example of where you didn't run that smoothly between the two of you.

If you didn't get to that end result, I would think at times money for most couples is going to be an issue. We actually have two like painful but now funny stories that we went through financially. One involved a move Pam made, and another one involved a move that I made.

How even? Yeah. So the first one was Pam came home from a conference that she had gone to when she was young and she was wanting to be a writer. An entrepreneur. And she went to a conference on how to become a writer. And she came home with an announcement. Like it really was like I just spent this amount of money and it was more money than we had agreed upon that you spend independently.

And so I walked in and I said, I'm going to tell you something and you're not going to like it. But I need you to say I love you and we'll get through this together. And so then I shared my magic bean story and Bill replied with. And through gritted teeth I said, I love you and we're going to get through this together. And so he like was very kind to me even though I had like well overspent what was available. And on something that did not work to move anything forward in my particular, you know, writing speaking.

Dial it forward. Yeah, ten years later. Okay, ten years later, Bill. We got a small inheritance from Pam's dad who had passed away. And I found this investment opportunity that I thought was going to be really effective for us.

Sure thing. It was a sure thing. Okay honey, you run with it. And then we found out, oh totally, you know, made off kind of, you know, bad. It was bad. Fortunately I didn't take the whole inheritance. I only took part of it. Yeah. And it produced nothing.

Yeah. It lost all that money. So Bill came to me and he said, I'm going to tell you something and you're not going to like it. But I need you to say, I love you and we'll get through this together. And so even though there were more zeros, I honestly, I started laughing.

I'm like, you loved me through my magic bean story. If this is what it takes to love you, it is well worth every one of those dollars. So that was kind of our introduction to why the alarms go off in finances. Because often in marriage, the alarm does go off when we're dealing with money. And the reason for it is we all express who we are in the way we handle money.

Because even Jesus said, where your treasure is there will your heart be also. So we're all emotionally attached to money and we express who we are. And there's four basic ways that people approach money in expressing who they are. There is the decision maker. The decision maker is that person who they've got a mission and they want control of the decisions that are tied to that mission in life. And as long as they can make the decision, they're fine. So they will set goals financially and they will make the decision. Sometimes they check in with their spouse, sometimes they just announce the decision. And when a decision has been made for you, you will emotionally react. So conflict jumps up in the marriage because of this decision that was made. It might be a great decision, but because it wasn't consulted.

No process. Yeah, it creates turmoil. And then the second is the inspirer and that's the person. Those are the people who go to the conference and see a magic opportunity and commit to it. Or they like want to buy every daughter-in-law a spa package every Christmas, you know. And like I make decisions based on my hard work.

I want to spend it on my grandkids, you know. It's all relationship driven. Right. And if you don't budget for it, they will find a way to spend it anyway. So what happens is it doesn't show up in the budget, it gets spent and then the other spouse is upset about it. The third approach is the peacekeeper. And the peacekeeper is the one that wants every... They want money to be a non-issue. I want our... No conflict.

Yeah, I just want it to be so simple, so automatic, so direct that it doesn't cause a problem. And when things get complicated and it causes a problem, they feel like they've lost their footing in life. And they seek to get the equilibrium back.

And they usually do it by trying to shut everybody down. That's peacekeeper. That's the peacekeeper. Okay, got it. And there's the policy.

I think this one, I'm familiar with this one. The policyholder. Yeah, this one tends to be the person that actually writes the family budget, you know, with like the spreadsheet and everything. And if you don't go along with the family budget, it's not like you overspent. Well, hold that thought.

I want you to get back to that. Because what the policyholder does is they set up a system and everything needs to fit in the system. And the way they think is if it fits the system, it's right. If it doesn't fit the system, it's wrong. That's how they think. Now, whether their system is accurate or not is almost immaterial. It's their system and they want everything to fit in the system. Let's talk about goal setting in the last couple of minutes.

We're down to the, you know, people are going to have to get the book, Jon, because we weren't able to cover everything. But goal setting as a couple can be either like you just said, it could be a great blessing or a great tragedy. How do you go about the goal setting?

First, let me say, I'll let Pam jump in. But let me just first of all say that the purpose of setting goals is to stay in motion. Because Proverbs 16 says, in his heart a man makes his plans, but the Lord directs his steps. So God's going to get your marriage where he wants it to go.

You don't have to figure it all out ahead of time. But what goals do is it keeps you moving. It keeps you out of the boring routine of life. I got married so I could clean the house, take care of the garage, mow the lawn, go to work, chase kids.

And that's all my life is. Goals gives you motion so you're heading somewhere so God can steer you as a couple. So the better you get at setting goals as a couple, the more you have the sense of we're on mission together and we're making decisions together. And couples who make decisions together, they create an emotional environment between the two of them that's cooperative and softer. And it gives you a bigger reason to work hard at your marriage.

When you have goals that you're pulling in the same direction together, it gives you reason to hang in there together. And so one of the first questions to ask is why did God bring us together? I mean it's obvious like now as we look back, God brought us together as college students. I fell in love with this man who had on his Bible like imprinted. That I may know him out of Philippians chapter 3. And I'm like I know that whole verse. Like he really does want to know God. It's on his Bible and he's like worn one Bible out and had to have it recovered. So I love that.

And the guy drives a blue Vega with a green back door and he owns two pairs of pants and one has a rip in the knee. Yeah didn't marry him for his money. So that's not the reason that God brought us together. Oh I have like a huge dysfunction on my side. He has huge dysfunction and God wants to use our marriage as a picture of hope. That if Pam and Bill can make it through crazy, then maybe we can make it through crazy. And so anytime we're hitting a marriage hiccup, we then go back to that.

And we say okay, how can we right now make our marriage a picture of hope? What do we need to add? What ingredient? What person? What methodology? What book? What resource do we need to add so that we gain hope but others find hope in our relationship?

It's so good. For the last question, it just kind of rolls right out of that which is great. The difference that Jesus makes in a marriage and the importance of that. So you know some people listening or watching may not have made that commitment or they're marginal on that commitment. So when you make the Lord the foundation of your relationship. For example, Gene and I often will say especially if we have a disagreement.

I won't use argument but when we have basically an argument. If we are in that spot where we're reminding one another that our core foundation is our commitment to Christ. Even before each other, that really does help solve some of the conflict we're experiencing.

And we then now exhibit some of the fruit of the Spirit, right? To be a little more generous, a little kinder in the relationship. So speak to the importance of that as we end today's program. We have simple life-giving messages that we choose to say when we're in conflict. We won't leave each other's presence to drive someplace or speak someplace separately. Until we have said something that sounds like, okay I'm going to hug you.

I'd rather experience this stress with you than to be on a sunny beach in Hawaii. You know so we put I'd rather be here with you even though this is hard. We put that in and we put that in because God is an overcomer. And it reminds us that there is no problem that is too big that God cannot send an answer for.

He is the creator God. He can create a way forward for you and for me. Well Jim I appreciate you asking this question because it's really personal to me. Like I grew up in a home that I did not want to repeat. And at 16 years old I started a personal relationship with Jesus. And I started that relationship because I'd seen the movie The Exorcist and it scared me into reading the Bible. Okay so I came to know Christ because I wanted protection from what I'd seen. What I didn't count on is that God put resources inside of me when I trusted Christ that I didn't know were coming with the package.

I just didn't want to be afraid. And the Bible talks about God shedding his love in our hearts. And I felt it happen. Like the day after I prayed to receive Christ I woke up and I went something's different.

I gotta go figure out what this different thing is. And what I discovered is that when you receive Christ as your Savior the Holy Spirit takes residence inside of you and he brings his power and he brings his love. So when I look at Pam I don't just ask the question how can I love Pam. I ask the question how can God love Pam through me because that's available to me now.

It's really good. And I remember the day I got tired of people telling me that Jesus is a crutch for weak people. I just had enough and I went you don't know him do you? You don't know my Jesus.

And the guy went what do you mean? I go if you'd met the Jesus that I met you might say it's like getting on a motorcycle with a crazy driver and you got to hang on for your life because he's taking you faster and farther to places that you would never go on your own. Now if you'd said that to me I'd say you met Jesus. But this crutch for weak people that's not the Jesus I met.

Wow that's good. Yeah he brought strength and power and love into my life so that I can love people who I have reasons not to love. And I have a deeper love for Pam that I thought was even possible. And I just came to Jesus because I didn't want to be afraid.

I didn't realize all the resources he was bringing to my life that makes relationships better. And Jim mentioned earlier that we try to get to the fruit of the spirit. And I think that is one of the key things that when we're in conflict we naturally now pray what fruit of the spirit needs to happen here. You know what am I seeing?

I'm seeing Bill's anxious. Oh peace. That's a fruit of the spirit. I could try to bring peace right now. Love joy peace patience kindness goodness gentleness faithfulness self-control.

All those things are available to us and all of the names that Jesus said he is. I'm the way the truth and the life. I'm the bread of life. I'm the light.

I'm the life. I'm love. God is love. That's our verse. 1 John 4 19 we sign every book. God is love. And we love because he first loved us.

1 John 4 19. Well that's a good place to end today. Thank you so much for being with us. Great content. Wonderful book. The secret language of successful couples and we have covered some of it but there's so much more so get a copy as we often do send a gift of any amount. We'll send you a copy of the book to say thank you for joining us in ministry. You know last year we helped one hundred and seventy thousand couples hundred and seventy thousand couples through a marital crisis. So when I say we that's you guys too doing broadcasts and podcasts and other content. So with our great guests that we're able to have here on the radio program and the podcast and the different ways we use this content that's what touches a person's life. So we're all in this together.

Be part of the team if you can donate on a monthly basis which is how Jean and I support focus. John you and Dana do that. We do the Ferrells.

Yeah the Ferrells do. I mean we've got like fifty thousand couples that are supporting the ministry that way. But what a what a time to make it a hundred thousand couples because we can reach so many more people and help so many more couples. And we we were one of those couples one of the golden goals when we first got married is we're going to listen to focus on the family every day together.

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