For decades our programs and resources have helped Jane's family, and she recommends Focus to everyone she knows. Focus on the family would be at the top of the list. I mean, when I go on the website, I'm blown away by all the different ministries that you have that minister to families on every level and individual. Today, Jane wants to encourage more families through Focus on the Family. By us giving our money to you, we're hitting all these different important ministries, you know, pro-life, parenting, marriage issues, individual issues, just so many different things. All are a part of where our tithe goes. I just feel like we're just getting a big bang for our buck. I'm Jim Daly. By working together, we can be a lifeline to anyone who needs our help.
Join our friends at Focus on the Family at focusonthefamily.com slash families. The Bible talks about God shedding his love in our hearts. And I felt it happen. Like the day after I prayed to receive Christ, I woke up and I went, something's different.
I got to go figure out what this different thing is. And what I discovered is that when you receive Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit takes residence inside of you and he brings his power and he brings his love. So when I look at Pam, I don't just ask the question, how can I love Pam? I ask the question, how can God love Pam through me?
Because that's available to me now. That's Bill Farrell and he and his wife, Pam, join us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. They're going to be talking about your secret code as a husband and wife.
Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller. You know, John, these days, everything has a secret code or password. I mean, everything has a password. So frustrating, isn't it?
It is. You've got to spend so much time proving that you're not some computer. Basically, you have to carry like an old address book in your back pocket that has all your passwords.
If you lose it, you're in trouble. But man, I'm telling you, there is so much now connected to the code, whatever that code may be. And I never really thought about it, but we do have a secret code with our spouse. And that's how to unlock the heart, right? And today we're going to talk with some great guests about how to identify the keypad, how to put in the right code, and then how to have a wonderful marriage. How about that?
It's a really good program we have for you today. There's just so much from Bill and Pam Farrell. They have spent 40 years now in marriage ministry. And they founded an organization called LoveWise. They're popular conference speakers. They're writers. The book that we're talking about today is The Secret Language of Successful Couples, The Keys for Unlocking Love. And so learn more about the Farrells and this terrific resource when you're at our website.
We've got the link in the show notes. Bill and Pam, welcome back to Focus. It's great to see you. We always feel so at home here. It's like coming home.
Oh, that's sweet. But I need to work out. I live at, you know, sea level.
We live on a boat and this is not sea level. You don't want to run around in the parking lot. But let me, I mean, that whole idea of secret code. I love the concept of your book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples. Because, doggone it, most of us husbands, we're still trying to figure out this code. I've been married to Jean 38 years. I got three of the four digits.
I just need you to help me get that fourth digit and I can unlock her heart. But it's a wonderful concept. The way I like to set it up for guys is, guys, when we get married, we think we're marrying one of our buddies. She just looks way better than all the guy friends we have. And then we get married and we realize, I married a woman.
And I don't know how this works. And it always amazes me that, like, marriage is a complex relationship, but it often comes down to simple things. Yeah, what's so funny with that comment, there's going to be people watching on YouTube and people listening to us. And they're going to go, it was never difficult for us. I have met these couples when I speak. And they'll come up and say, you know what, we just never had a problem.
We were just meant to be. And you go, wow, that's like a one percent thing, right? Right.
We wish that. Most people do not have that experience. And in fairness to people who grew up in healthy homes, I think most of us did not. But for people who grew up in healthy homes, where parents modeled this for them, actually trained them how to do this. For those couples, it seems normal.
But that's not our background. My parents were divorced and my dad was an alcoholic. So I grew up with just turmoil. Like every family holiday, dial 911.
You know, I was just like craziness. I call that the normal dysfunctional family. That's about 90 percent of the culture I think grows up in that kind of home. In contrast to that, Pam started working with our boys when they were young on how to have a conversation with a female. Like I'd take them to the park and I would ask a question, kick the ball. And they couldn't kick the ball back to me until they answered the question and asked me a question. Because I wanted them to be good conversationalists with their wives someday in the future.
Because that was just not the norm. You're right, the dysfunction is more the norm. And when I met Bill, I realized, wow, this home is dysfunctional too.
It took me home to meet his parents. Right. Like in my home, if people were communicating, it usually involved yelling and throwing things. Right.
And so I didn't see it modeled. Like how do you resolve conflict? How do you talk to your wife?
How do you create an environment where your wife likes being around you and talks well of you? I was like, I have no idea how to do that. So Bill and I were like desperate. Bill likes to say we just knew a few things when we met each other.
Three things specifically. We knew that we loved Jesus with all our heart. We knew we were madly in love with each other. And we knew we had no idea what we were doing.
Not a clue. Well, I just want to go back to the teaching the boys how to have conversations with girls. How many grand children do you have? We have seven now.
You obviously succeeded. Exactly. And our grandkids are actually really great people. People as well.
Yeah. That's so sweet. Let me go back to the whole theme of the secret code. And you mentioned in the book about an experience you had. The reason I'm laughing already is I've had this experience too where you go to check in at the hotel. So we were in a hotel and you know the beauty of our world is there's lots of different cultures running around in this world. We love that.
And different cultures have different pronunciations. Thank you. So we are in our hotel room and I want to get on the internet. So I called down to the desk and I said, hey, can I get the information, you know, the username and password for the internet connection? And the guy on the phone said, oh, yeah, that easy. I went, OK. He said, it's B-E-R-I-E-B-E.
So I spell it again and it was wrong. Well, OK, how about the how about the password? Oh, that easy.
It free Rawi free. OK, so you go to the lobby. And my only response is I'll be right down.
Please. And I went down. The username was believe. Oh, my. And the password was three.
The number three rally three. Oh, wow. And I went, well, now that I've got it, it's simple.
Yes. But trying to communicate it was nearly impossible. And it hit me. That happens with Pam and I. It happens in all marriages. Like, I think I know how to communicate with her and then we get started and all of a sudden we're in a land I don't recognize.
And I'm like, what happened? That's so amazing. See, when that happens to me, I don't think about my marriage.
I think, how can I get this Wi-Fi going? What a good marriage guy you are. How does this relate to my marriage?
That is awesome. That's how we get all of our books written is that little aha moment. OK, so then the question is, how do codes relate to marriage? I started thinking, OK, is there basically is there a username and password that would give me access to Pam's heart? Because I've noticed when I accidentally get connected to her heart, she's really easy to be with and fun to talk with.
But if I miss the connection, it's a lot of static. Now, here's the secret part. Pam, you don't say to Bill, here's my username, here's my passport. For some reason, you guys want to keep that all secret.
Right. You don't want to tell us what is going on with that. Just give us the username and password. And sometimes we're not even aware.
That's why we can't give it. So what I discovered is that my username I was given on my wedding day, which is husband. So that gets me into the conversation because I'm the only husband Pam has. The password that gets me into her heart is the word security.
And I remember when I first heard that, you know, as a young married guy, you know, guys would tell me, hey, your wife needs to feel secure. I'm like, oh, OK. Like, I'm strong. I work hard.
I'm going to provide like what? What's so hard about this? But then I realized it can be more to this because there's something about it I'm not getting. And so I finally came to the realization that what security means for Pam is she's asking the question every day that she's with me. And the question is, is it safe to be who I am today around you? Because we change a lot. You know, women have plenty of hormones. And so every day is a little bit different than the day before.
Then one common denominator is change. And so we are asking every day, do you love me as this version? Because I did notice some days Pam wakes up and she's like the easiest person in my life to get along with. There's other days that she's like really mellow and kind of laid back. And I want to do much. There's other days that everything in life is frantic.
We got to get on right now. And then there's just some days in our home where there's a no fly zone. And the only thing I would say to her on those days is, would you like flowers or chocolate? Yeah, percent dark chocolate. Yes.
And daffodils. So I was noticing it happening but didn't know how to work with it. And I had to come to realize that she just needs to hear, hey, the person you are today is okay with me. And looking back, I realized I got introduced to this on our honeymoon but didn't realize it. Yeah, we were, okay, so we do what honeymooners do. We go out to the nicest restaurant. This is up in Reno. Spent more money than you have. Yeah, exactly.
You know it's bad when they don't even put the prices on the menu, right? And so it was lovely time. And we came home and we had a fireplace in the room.
And so there's a reason that we also wrote Red Hot Monogamy book. So we enjoyed all that. And I just started to share. I thought Bill wanted to know everything about me. So I started to share everything. So I started to share every boyfriend I've ever had since like grade seven. Pam has an epic history.
This is your wedding night? I know, right? Like really bad. You should have called 1-800-A-FAMILY. We could have helped you with that. Yeah, obvious.
No, yeah. But Bill was like trying to hang in there with me and he fell asleep somewhere, you know, when I was about 14. Not that she remembers you. And so I'm like, he fell asleep. I can't believe he fell asleep on me. And so I start crying. You know the kind of crying, okay women, be honest. The kind of crying you do, that it shakes the bed to try to get him to wake up again.
That kind of crying. And so I wake up and I'm like, Pam, what's wrong? Like I thought we had a great night and our honeymoon was fantastic. What's going on?
You're crying like crazy. You like totally fell asleep on me. Like I thought you loved me and wanted to know everything about me, but like you just fell asleep.
Pam, I was just tired. Like I think you're the most fascinating person I've ever met, which is why I married you. And I plan to spend the rest of my life getting to know you.
I was literally just tired. So that's on the security side, this idea of being secure. You love me even if. And the key is it's safe to be who you are today around me. Okay.
Because when women feel like it's safe, everything calms down. Before we move to your password for Bill, you know, for men, I mean, we're in the 101 territory here, right? Password 101. Yeah. Sometimes we'll struggle to understand that. Well, this is not a language we speak. Correct. Like Jim, I would never come to you today and say, hey, Jim, are you feeling safe today?
We have never had that conversation with you. What's the purpose of that question? Let's go play golf. Yeah. Like we know safety is somewhere on the list because you have to be alive to live your adventure. But the goal is the adventure. It's not the safety. Right. Actually, the less safe, the better the adventure. And if you moaned about being like unsafe too long ago, Jim, man up. Come on.
You would go, oh, yeah. Because we just don't speak this language with each other. But that's I guess the question I'm aiming at is what are we looking for then? Help me with the ingredients of this marriage stew.
What do I need to put in the pot to make her happy? So the first is a decision that I'm going to assume that the security need is always on the table and I'm going to address it first. What does that sound like in a conversation?
I'm sorry to go to 101. No, no, no. It's a great question because it's one that should be asked. Yeah. So what's the first thing men complain about? My wife talks too long. So the first way to provide security is I'm going to listen to you until you stop. Wow.
Okay. Now for men- You're not going to say you're talking too much. Can you get to the point? Can you get to the point?
What is this really all about? How about finish a sentence? Yeah.
I'm great at that. Yeah. Jean will often say, why do you always finish my sentences? Right.
Because it's taking too long. Right. She doesn't like that. And what she's doing is she's connecting her life to you to see if you're a safe person in her life.
Wow. The more she connects her life to you, the more she feels safe. And the more love will come towards you, which that has a good payoff. If the guys think about the long haul benefits, it's like, okay, I can hang in there.
Yes. And the other thing I would say to guys is show affection when she's irritated. It's the last thing we want to do. Like when our wife is like, you know, at us, we don't want to show affection. So we try to argue our way out of it. Like what's happening when she's irritated is an alarm's going off. Something's not right. Something's not right. Something's not right. When we try to fix it, it's like, oh, something's really not right.
Because now he's defending himself. And now we're increasing the alarm. Where the only reason she's irritated with you is her whole life's tied up with you and she wants to be close to you. But the atmosphere doesn't feel right to say that.
So she's creating irritation. Pam, we've gone with security, the wife's code. Right.
What is your code for Bill? So my username is wife when I got married. And that secret code that unlocks my husband's heart is success. Guys want to be successful in all areas of life. You know, of course they want to be successful at work and they want to be successful in the community and in the church and with the kids. But they definitely want to be successful with their wives.
In fact, the number one thing that's like a complaint that we hear from men is there's just no pleasing the woman. Like they just don't know how to succeed. That's what they're saying. Yeah, that's what they're saying. Interesting.
Number one way. And so the cry of their heart is how can I feel successful, you know, with this woman in my life? And so they want to be successful with their wives. And it sometimes shows up early in a relationship and it can be confused with like maybe the male ego.
Because like a lot of times we hear about the male ego. And so I was, Bill and I, we came back from our honeymoon trip and one of the first things we did is we went to a birthday party. Now we lived in Bakersfield at the time and everybody has a swimming pool.
No matter what season, the parties are out by the pool. So we were dancing deck side. And Bill's a great dancer.
It was going well. Yeah, he's like a wonderful dancer. And so they were playing like our song, which is like unforgettable. And at the end, he just like does this big dip with me and he drops me on the ground. Drops her right on the ground. So I'm like, I'm in the ground. I'm like, honey, why am I laying on the cement here? And trying to keep it secret, I whispered to her, I just ripped my pants. And I spun him around and I looked and I'm like, you guys. And I turned him to the whole audience, all of our friends, Hey, look at Bill just ripped his pants. And I thought it was funny. All our friends thought it was funny. Bill did not think it was funny. Was not enjoying the moment.
Super silent ride home for 20 minutes. And I realized, okay, God, I think I did something wrong. And I think that pointing out flaws in my husband in public, not really a good idea. It's not even a great idea in private, but let alone in public. And so I thought, I should have just like, how can I help you succeed? Like, can I go get a jacket? Like, is there another pair of pants?
I mean, you should have been. It's hard for us guys to admit how emotional being successful is. Like if we know there's something in life we can succeed at, we'll put all of our effort into it. We will focus.
We'll give it our all. If we face something we believe we cannot succeed at, we're going to run away from it. And it happens in marriage all the time, like men who feel like they can communicate with their wives, they'll jump in and communicate. If they feel like it's not going well, they just back off and they talk less and less because they're not succeeding. Men who feel like they can make decisions with their wives will jump in and make decisions and look forward to meeting men who cannot, like they feel like they're always getting criticized, always getting run over. They just start to avoid it. So men will spend lots and lots and lots of hours at work because they know they can succeed there, and they come home and they don't know how to succeed at home. They come home late. Well, they do retreat emotionally. And we're kind of afraid to admit how much influence our wives have on us if they were willing to compliment and to be proud of us.
So conversely, you know, God kind of clues us in if we're praying, okay, God, how can I help my husband succeed? And just a few years later, we were, we just moved, Bill was taking over pastorate, and we had to move from beautiful three bedroom, two bath house to like a little apartment. And I was not very happy. And so like I was complaining, like, how long do we have to live like this? Because it was so expensive in San Diego, we had moved, nothing seemed affordable. And so we're gonna live in this little apartment that didn't even let kids play like on the grass on the sidewalk.
It's like kids couldn't exist. And so I was, I was miserable. And I was trying to make everybody else miserable too. And I was feeling like I'm failing my family.
And there's no way I'm going to please my wife. And so one day, I was just in misery. And I went to the walk in closet to get something off the shelf.
And I didn't even remember why I went there. And I just sat down on top of this dirty load of laundry. And I started to cry.
And I said, God, this is crazy. You know, I have a husband who loves me. And I have two kids that are healthy. And like, why am I so miserable here? Like, I complain all the time. And oh, yeah, that makes him want to run home and spend time with me. Yeah.
Well, you have to give me an answer to this pain. So I went to the Bible, and I began to look at all the verses that have been underlined and starred and asterisked and highlighted. And I came across this verse that was super familiar. And it was out of Ephesians 5. It says, wives respect your husbands. And so I said, okay, what does respect really mean? I think, God, there should be like a loophole for times like this. And so I got out my Bible and all my Bible state tools because I was looking for the loophole, how I could not have to respect Bill at this time.
And instead, God showed me the formula. What does respect and honor really mean? And so basically, God said, I want you to see Bill as God sees Bill, a man worthy of honor and respect because I gave him to you as a gift. I want you to speak to words that I would, God, use to speak to Bill, words that would edify and encourage and lift him up, life-giving words. I want you to serve alongside of Bill.
Help him be successful in this new pastorate as a help meet. That's what I've called you to be. And so I called Bill on the phone and I'm like, hey, you want to go to lunch? And Bill said, I think so. He wasn't sure what he was going to get.
Because there had been a lot of criticism up until that point. But over lunch, I shared what the Holy Spirit taught me in the Word. And I said, honey, you know, if I don't get all the things, the new house, the new cars, the things that I think that I need to be happy, I just want you to know that before God, right now, I commit 100% I am on your team. And internally, if I were to say what happened internally, it was kind of a great big yes!
Because something turned on inside. When I realized Pam believes in me and Pam is going to help me with whatever God leads us on, Pam's going to be all in. And I don't know how to describe it, but her belief in me turned me into a better pastor and a better husband. You know, let me ask you right here at the end, and we're going to pick this conversation up next time, but at the end here, your awareness of one another is a critical ingredient to this. And I'm thinking, Pam, of wives who are saying, yeah, but you don't know my husband.
They haven't expressed that. And husbands that you don't know my wife, all she does is talk, whatever it might be. And so it feels like metaphorically those people that are not leaning in are backing up. And that's not healthy because you won't get to a better place by backing up or getting reclusive emotionally and not engaging emotionally. So right at the end here, I'd like for both of you just to mention that for the wives, Pam, and for the husbands, Bill, how do you arrest that sinister side? This is never getting better.
I'm just going to go watch the football game, eat dinner down here and let it go. You know, what I encourage wives is, you know what, it has to start with somebody. Why not let love start with you? Because there's no downside if we choose to be a loving person towards our mate. We become a loving person in all of our life. Our kids will love us better. We'll be happier emotionally.
We will see God whisper like he did to me when I was sitting on the little laundry, and he will bring us to places in the Word, God's Word that will fortify us and give us hope on the horizon. And so you become a better person if you lean in to Jesus, if you lean into the Word, if you lean into, you know what, hey, maybe it's only one-sided right now, but I believe you are a big God and that if I help him succeed somehow, some way, you're going to catch him up to your plan just like you've caught me up, God. Well, I think that's exactly right. And I guess, Bill, as you answer, this idea of the insanity of doing it the same way and it's not working. I mean, but we do that as humans.
We do it all the time. If you think about it, it really is fruitless. I mean, you've got to get out of that groove and try something different.
And in a more positive sense. Like in marriage, it only takes one breakthrough to set things right. It's the same way we started this with usernames and passwords. You know, if you're a little bit off on the password, you can't get in.
But all you have to do is get the password right once and you get access. So if what you're doing isn't working, try something different. You know, man, if you're having trouble listening to your wife, just set a goal. Like I've got a capacity of two and a half minutes right now.
I'm going to stretch it to five. And when I'm done, I'm just going to compliment her. I'm not going to answer.
I'm not going to solve anything. I'm just going to compliment her on something. And see if it makes a difference.
Because if you train yourself to operate different, you're going to get different results. And if you hit the breakthrough, everything breaks open and the marriage starts to work. You got married for a reason. It can be revived. Yeah. But not if you're stuck in the same pattern. You know, in what you're saying, which is so true, many people that sit across this table from us, John, it fits that same idea. The only thing you control is you.
That's right. You don't control your spouse. You really don't. So do something differently coming from you. You don't control your spouse, but you influence your spouse.
Oh, yeah. Both positively and negatively. And if you're willing to do something different, it will have some influence.
That is so good. And we're right at the end today, but I think we've kicked this off in a great direction. And let's come back next time and keep the conversation going and hopefully give you more tools on how to do marriage better, especially in the Christian context as believers. But everybody can apply these principles and do better in their marriage.
Get above the line. Bill and Pam, thanks for day one. Thank you.
Appreciate it. Yeah, this has been so good. And you can follow up on this great conversation when you get a copy of the book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples, The Keys for Unlocking Love. We have that here at Focus on the Family. You know, John, before we get into the details on how to get that resource, I'd like to remind everybody that we have caring Christian counselors who will listen, pray with you, and get you on a better path toward healing and hope. And I think that's what it's all about, right?
Going toward a more godly direction. And for marriages that really need help, we have our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives that we have talked about time and again here at Focus on the Family. We have several locations around the U.S. now, and they are helping husbands and wives find healing in their relationships.
Yeah, they do such good work there. And, Jim, as you know, Dina and I had a chance a number of years ago to attend a Hope Restored marriage retreat. And, wow, it changed us in so many wonderful ways.
We still use the tools to this very day. Well, that's usually what happens. It's got an 80% post-two-year success rate. I don't know of anything that's hitting that kind of number that's going on in the country to save marriages. And the bottom line is none of this is possible without generous friends like you. As a nonprofit ministry, we depend on your financial support. And if you aren't already a member of our Friends at Focus on the Family, I want to urge you to join our March membership drive. We've set a goal of finding 1,000 people to join a community of monthly sustainers who care deeply about families. Your monthly gift will help us provide all the resources to meet the needs of families and help them heal through Christ.
Yeah, so join the support team today. And when you do, request your copy of Bill and Pam's great book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples. Details are in the show notes or call 800, the letter A, and the word family. And when you make that monthly pledge today, a gift of any amount, we'll send a copy of the book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples, as our way of saying thank you for joining the support team. And of course, if you're not in a spot to make a monthly ongoing gift, we certainly can appreciate that. And we'll say thanks for your one-time donation by sending a copy of the book as well. We'll plan to join us next time for more with Bill and Pam Farrell. And for now, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.
