For more than 25 years, Monica suffered from an addiction to drugs and alcohol, fueled in part by her painful and shameful past. The thought would come to my mind that I had had these abortions.
I would not want to think about it because the pain was just too real. Thankfully, God healed Monica's heart and today she supports Focus on the Family's pro-life ministry. I want to support a ministry that can help change the trajectory of people's lives that are contemplating abortion. I can't go back in time and change my life and change my decisions, but I can support a ministry that can help possibly change someone else's.
I'm Jim Daly. Let's save babies and give families hope today. Donate and your gift will be doubled.
Call 800-AFAMILY or visit focusonthefamily.com slash gift. I think to say to that 23 year old, you know we love you. You know we want the best for you. And so while you're here, we want to make this a learning time and a growth time for us and you because it's different now. You're an adult now. We're still your parents. We care about you, but you're an adult.
And so, but you're living with us and so we want you to experience some of the things that you're going to experience in the real world when you get out there. That's Dr. Gary Chapman describing some of the unique relational dynamics between a parent and an adult child and what we can do as parents to improve the relationship. Dr. Chapman joined us last time. We're looking forward to having him back today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us.
I'm John Fuller. John, I think one of the hardest transitions for parents to make is from childhood to adulthood. And the secret that is out is that when they become adults, guess what? They're no longer children. And it's a hard gear to shift into, especially if we're stuck in some of our parenting ruts that got us to the mountain.
But now we got to let them fly, right? And last time we had a great conversation with Dr. Gary Chapman. I'm looking forward to today, mostly because I'm living it like you are, John. Our kids are in their 20s now. And I think you have a couple in your 30s as well. So, I mean, we're right in that spot. We are Gary's target audience. And I'm hoping that most of you are probably in this space as well. So buckle up because we're going to talk about challenging some of those maybe myths about how you parent adult children and how to do it more successfully.
Which is our goal, is to equip you to be the best parent you can be whether they're 15 or 25 or maybe even 35. There you go. Well, Dr. Gary Chapman is here. By the way, if you didn't catch the first part of the conversation, check it out on YouTube.
Go to our website, get the mobile app. You can listen anytime. You know, John, let me interrupt you.
This is really rich stuff. When I'm out speaking, so many people come up to me. Yeah, I listen to such and such a station. You know, I try to do it at 8.30 when you come on. I'm going, get the app. You can listen anytime.
There you go. Yeah, it's pretty convenient and it's free and we've linked to it at the website. Well, Dr. Gary Chapman is a prolific author, speaker. He's always a popular guest here and we're recommending a copy of his book that we're talking about today, Your New Life with Adult Children. The subtitle is really informative, A Practical Guide to What Helps, What Hurts, and What Heals.
Learn more about Dr. Chapman and this great book when you're at the website. And once again, the link is in the show notes. And real quickly, we'll talk about some things today that really aren't going to be appropriate for younger listeners. And so we recommend you direct their attention elsewhere for the next few minutes. Gary, welcome back to Focus. Well, thank you. It's good to be back. It's always good to have you. You brighten the room. It's good.
Seriously. You have been swinging away at these topics for how many years? 60 years? Oh, a long time.
I bet you came up with the love languages. I think that's the number one selling book in Christian book sales, is it not? Well, it sold over 20 million, I don't know.
Okay. That's a lot of books either way, but what a great concept. And, you know, again, that's something that we've covered. But as we move into more serious topics here, parenting adult kids, one of the things that I want to mention right out of the gate is how much guilt we can carry as parents for the outcomes. And, you know, we own so much of that. And part of it is you've got to let go of that so that your relationship remains healthy, right? And let me add this to it and speak to this as well. Our self-imposed expectations that, you know, if we're good Christian people, if we're good followers of the Lord, that the product with our children should be there, and they too should be perfect children, perfect young adults.
And that is not the equation, everybody. People have free will. But we have to be sober-minded about that guilt that we can carry and how that then seeps into our relationship with our adult children. I think that's really true. As a matter of fact, one of the most common things I hear from parents in my office, particularly if their child has made a really poor decision that's against their moral beliefs, their Christian beliefs, and that sort of thing, they say, Dr. Chapman, what did we do wrong?
Right. We've loved this child, we raised this child, we gave our lives to this child, and now they've done this and they've made this decision. What did we do wrong?
And I try to say exactly what you've said. You know, we can't take the full responsibility for what our children do as adults. God has given us freedom. They're free and you're free, I'm free to make our decisions. We can walk away from God, we can walk to God, and we can make poor decisions or wise decisions. So we're not responsible for the decisions that our adult children make.
That's so true. In fact, in the book you mention a situation, I think it's Max and Megan, and you talk about their daughter Debbie. I'm sure all these names have been changed so folks don't worry about that. But what was their situation, what was Debbie getting into that they couldn't control? Well, their daughter had made the decision to move in with her boyfriend and live with her boyfriend. And so they really wrestled with this as to what they're going to do. And again, they began to realize we can't control her, we can't make her not do this.
So we have an option. Are we going to write her off and just say if you're going to do this, then don't come here, don't bring him here? All these just lash out at her? Well, if you do that, you lose the opportunity to have a positive influence on her because you just radically came down and said you do this, and we have nothing else to do with you. I mean, that's the message that many parents give. You know, and you're not sure of the outcome in that situation. So as the parent, you need to look at the long game because it's highly likely that relationship will not last, and then you've got to be in a position to maintain that influence because you haven't burned those relational bridges. But this gets really dicey, Gary, in terms of standing for those principles that we believe in and making sure they know it in the right tone, a loving tone, and yet maintaining that linkage so that when that relationship falls apart, or better yet, they decide to get married. I mean, that's a rejoicing opportunity that they've come around to it.
But in either perspective, talk about that, the parent looking at the long game, which may be just a year or two in this case, or five years, but you've got to maintain a relationship. The other side of it, and speak to this, is, hey, you know our position. That does not line up with who we are and what we taught you.
So as long as you're doing that, you're not welcome in our home. Yeah, I think what that does, it erases the opportunity to have a positive influence. And in terms of the fact, if she marries him, he's going to be your son-in-law. And if you've taken that stance, you're probably not going to have a relationship with him after that either. I mean, this could be a long-term, fractured relationship if we take that approach. But if we say, on the other hand, honey, I think you know how we feel about this, and you know we have strong feelings about it, that this is not a wise thing to do. And it's not just because we're Christians that we take that stance.
It's because research indicates most of the people that do this don't get married, and if they do, their marriage is not better, it's worse. And so, you know, we don't want you to do this. But you are an adult, and you can make your own decisions. And I want you to know, we love you no matter what you decide. Just like God loves us, even when we do wrong, and we love you. So, you hear my heart?
I do, I do. Let me push a little deeper, because I'm just mindful of the parents that are living in this space. Because some of this, to me, this is the gift of the prophet, the gift of the evangelist. And what I mean by that is temperament. And this can get dicey in your marriage as the parents of the adult child, because one of you has this attitude of, hey, we've got to look to the future. Let's not burn the bridges right now. And the other spouse is like, are you kidding me?
How can we tolerate that? And both are defensible, biblically, I think, but which is going to get you to the right outcome? And there can be a lot of stress in your marriage around that adult child's behavior, because the two of you, as mom and dad, see it differently. And keeping your marriage intact is a model that they need to have, that parents can disagree on something, but we talk our way through it, and we make the decision that we can agree on. And if you can't agree on it, then don't make the decision yet.
And pray, in the meantime, God will give you wisdom. And honestly, that's a place where if that continues to be a block for the two of you, you do want to seek help. You know, Jon, we talk about that, but this is, I say this out of my own experience, Jean and I, this is where you really could use some counseling and have a third person, a qualified person at your church, or through Focus on the Family, through our counseling efforts here, we'll do that for you. To talk about this and get some perspective, I think it's one of the most beneficial moments for, you know, relatively healthy couples to say, okay, we need a little help here. Yeah, the third party, a third Christian party who can help you think through it, and identify with your feelings. I mean, we can understand both of those positions, you know, but let's think about what's going to have the most positive influence on that.
That's what you want. Another heartbreaking issue is when young adults decide they are dealing with the LGBTQ spectrum, the gay and transgendered issues that are so prevalent, particularly in public schools now, with the rise of that or the affirmation of that kind of declaration. Explain why condemnation or despair is the wrong response, even though this is perhaps one of the most gut-wrenching situations you'll face as a parent.
I think there's no question about it when a child reveals to their parents how they perceive themselves and that they announce themselves to be this or that or the other thing. Deeply, deeply painful. And that's why, you know, as a counselor, I am deeply empathetic with those people.
You know, your heart just goes out to them. Talk about the guilt questions as a parent. What did I do as a dad? What didn't I do that would have helped him? Yeah.
Not end up in this place. Yeah, and that's exactly what the couple, the last one I saw, that's exactly what they said. What did we do wrong? And, you know, let's face it, we don't understand all the dynamics of that whole sexual thing. Science doesn't even understand that. None of us understand that. But we do know that people do have same-sex attraction.
But that doesn't mean they have to live the lifestyle. You know, I mean, God calls us to a celibacy, whether we have those feelings or we have heterosexual feelings. We're called a celibacy before marriage. And God also has his definition of marriage, too.
All of that. And so that's why I think we're so disturbed is because we know that this is not going to be for the good of the child. Any time we're not doing what God laid out for us, it's not going to be good for them. And we all have temptations in one area or another.
If you're heterosexual, you have temptations toward adultery and toward, as Jesus said, looking at a woman and lusting after her. So whatever our feelings are, we all are tempted. But God wants to help us make the right decision and not follow the temptation. But as parents, I think, we have to ask, how can I be God's agent in trying to help them walk through this? And again, we have to come back and realize, I can't control them. I should not try to control them.
God does not control his own children. We are free to make our decisions. And so we have to ask ourselves, what am I going to do here?
And there's a lot of questions that are going to come out of that. What do we do here? What do we do here?
What do we do here? But I think once we express to that child, when they revealed it to us, and we express to them how, yes, this hurts me deeply, and you know yourself this is against everything that we have taught in the Bible teaches and so forth. But I want you to know I love you. You're my son, and I'm never going to not love you. You're my daughter, and I'm going to always love you. And I'm going to try to work through my pain and my hurt, because I am hurt. We need to be honest with our children. You know, let me add this, and you can get a perspective.
I've met with people in the LGBTQ community and talked with them about their journey, many of them out of Christian homes. And the one recurring story that just grips my heart is that moment that they're talking with their mom and dad at the kitchen table revealing this. And often the comment is, my dad stood up, hugged me with tears in his eyes and said, I love you, but I never want to see you again get out of my house.
I'm telling you folks, that is a common statement that I hear. Think of the damage done in that moment. And it's hard, because when you're looking, Gary, at the lever of control, when your child says something like that to you, your desire to press that throttle to full control is there. I don't know how to get out of this, I don't know what to do, and therefore, unconsciously even, I'm going to control this as best as I can. We're going to get you to therapy, whatever it might be.
And there is a time for all of that, but the time in that moment of disclosure is to make sure that they know that you care about them, and they don't understand all the whys of this, but we've got to fight for you and find out what's happening. But keep the linkage, keep the relationship. Because if you take that other stance, I don't want to see you again out of my house forever, I'm glad God doesn't do that to us. Yeah, no kidding. If He did, we'd all be written off.
Isn't that a great illustration of how to do it? How does God treat us? And John, let me mention again that idea of the counseling department. Man, donors have supported us to the extent that we can employ counselors here at Focus that are available to you.
I don't know of another Christian ministry that does that. They may be out there. But this is our commitment to you. We want to help you. We'll talk to you.
You can call and schedule an appointment with a fantastic Christian counseling team. They'll get back to you. They'll talk about these topics with you. And I think provide you with some great insights on how to carry that healing forward, which is our goal. We can't stay in that, but we will get you started in the right direction. Take advantage of it. Don't be shy.
We've been at this almost 50 years, and it's something that Dr. Dobson did right at the beginning of Focus is to establish a counseling effort. Do it. Get a hold of us.
It will not be embarrassing to you at all. You know, moving into the mending of the relationships with the last half of our time together here, one of the most difficult letters I've ever read was a woman who wrote me not long ago, and she was probably 32, 33, and she said, you know, when I was seven, my father took me out to lunch to say that he and my mom weren't getting along and that they were going to divorce, but it wasn't my fault, that I had no responsibility in that, which I thought, oh, that's good. So far, this is good. Then he said, you know, I'll have you every other weekend. I'll get you two weeks during the summer, and I want to maintain our relationship even though I won't be living with you at the house. And she said that was the last time I heard from my dad. And she said, I'm now 32, and all I have done since that day is to try to find affirmation from men. Terrible relationship after terrible relationship. And I think of that poor dad, and I say poor in what he lost. He lost that relationship with his daughter for whatever was on the other side of the fence. And to hurt her and to wound her like that, to make that promise and to never keep it, the deficit in his soul should be large because of the devastation he created. So speak to that importance of the reconciliation of those relationships.
How do you recommend young adults? She initiated that letter to me, someone she doesn't know, other than the radio program. But how does a young adult initiate that heart-wrenching reconciliation with that parent that has left them behind? Well, if they have any contact with them, that is, they know how to contact with them, then writing a letter to that father, for example, after all these years, and just saying, Dad, I just have to share with you my heart, da-da-da-da-da, and just share the heart with him.
And I wish I could have a relationship with you even after all these years, if that were possible. It could be the first step in there being a reconciliation. And that doesn't erase all the pain and the problems of those years, but it may bring a certain level of healing to both her and that father. That father likely would respond with, okay, let's get together, and he would likely apologize to her.
Hopefully. And that would be a great outcome in the beginning of that healing. But there's also that possibility that you won't hear back, for whatever reason, because of his deficits.
Speak to that person, the benefit of still doing that, even though you might not get the response that you need. I think you have the benefit of knowing that you did what you could do. Your conscience is clear.
That's right. And you can release that father into God's hands, knowing that you're putting him in good hands, because God is both loving and just. And if that father turns to God, he will be forgiven.
If he doesn't, God will take care of that. Gary, that relates to just kind of a general application you've got in the book for parents and the kids, the adult kids, to write a letter, and maybe not even send it. So what's the importance of that? I think there is some value in that. If you're the adult child, writing a letter, pouring out your heart to the parent that you feel cuts you off or whatever, not with a view to sending it to them necessarily, but with a view of getting that all off of your heart and your mind, actually putting in writing. It does something to you emotionally when you do that. You may later decide to send it. You may not decide to send it.
But I think there is value in that. But when you do that, I suggest also you begin to think, okay, what did my parents do right? What should I be thankful for? Well, number one might be they didn't abort me. I'm here.
I'm here. And then from there, you begin to think, what are the things they did for me? And chances are you'll find a pretty good list that will help you balance what you experienced in that one event. Because many times it's a one-time event. And there is a positive side to them. So you can give thanks for those things. And with those, you might decide to send that letter of thanksgiving to them.
Oh, that's a good one. If they respond, then you could say, is there a chance we could get together? And when you get together, then you can, you know, they likely will apologize to you. They know they've done wrong. They know it.
We're aware of that. But you're looking at the positive thing and thanking them for these things. I would not be here if it weren't for you. Getting together can begin the process of healing that relationship. You know, Gary, listening in the last couple of days, the thing that is kind of bouncing around in my head is this idea of selfishness. What you're expressing so often is a form of selfishness as the parent, selfish about the future I didn't get with my child, the child that didn't become the child I wanted to have. It feels like there's a selfish root to some of this, that your expectations weren't met in the behavior that they're demonstrating. And you've got to let that go.
That's in you. And then to move to that area of forgiveness is so critical spiritually. I mean, now neuroscience is showing, you know, we talk about being afraid of science. Christians have nothing to fear from science because it is reinforcing the very things that we believe because we are correct in believing that He created us.
And when you see science in that perspective, you know, now they can put an MRI to your brain and see the impact emotionally of your brain physiologically from fear and the things that Scripture talks about, the things that will harm you and the things that will help you. Speak to the power of forgiveness that does so much for you emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Yeah. I think when we release that person who has hurt us most deeply, we release them to God, it's kind of a one-sided forgiveness. They're not apologizing. No expectation.
Yeah. They're not apologizing to us. It's just that we are not going to carry that burden and the emotions that go with it, the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, and all of that. We're going to release that person to God. Knowing that God is a just God and we can trust Him to deal with them, we are releasing our anger, our bitterness to God so that we are now free to live our lives without that bondage. You know, that's why the Bible says, you know, don't hold anger inside. It turns to bitterness, you know. Yeah. Gary, we are right at the end and it's unfortunate.
I've got a whole list of more questions, but we've run out of time. Speak at the end here to the importance of a parent ending well in terms of their own personal integrity and values, which will communicate so much to either their estranged adult child or their fully committed Christian adult child. Either way, it's a win. But again, it's that long view and ending well is so critical. So there's no regret. There's nothing, no stone unturned that should have been discussed before that last breath. And I'm sure some of you listening and viewing, I mean, you're in that critical moment.
You may not have time. What does that person do to say, I do not want to die not finding resolution to this? Yeah. I think, first of all, sharing our real heart with God and asking God to help us to maintain to the very end of our lives, our own walk with Him, our own commitment to Him. The one thing you can control.
That's right. And putting our children in God's hands. You know, we've done everything we know to do. If there's anything else we can do, Lord, please show me what it is.
I want to do it. But when we've done everything we know to do and He doesn't bring anything else to mind, Lord, help me to be faithful so that when they hear about my life, if they're strange and don't even know, they'll know that I was faithful to you to the end. You know, that's why I pray for myself every day. God, keep my heart. Keep my heart.
I want to be faithful to you to the end. Wherever our children go, that's them and God. But we're responsible for our own walk with God. That's well said. And it gives you a sense of peace. You don't have to be writhing about what your kids are doing. And, you know, you trust the Lord for the outcome. Gary, this has been so good.
Your new book, Your New Life with Adult Children, A Practical Guide to What Helps, What Hurts, and What Heals. And great perspective. I so appreciate you spending the time with us. You're going to be here at Focus for a couple of days helping in a variety of ways with content. So thank you for that contribution to the team here. Well, thank you.
It's always good to be here. And let me make a recommendation to our listeners and viewers that you be part of this ministry. I want to encourage you to do that. Gene and I do it. I know you and Dina do it, John. We donate, yep. By giving monthly or with a one-time gift, whatever you can send. This is a critical time for Focus when we normally raise about half our budget right here at the Christmas season that will carry us the rest of the year. And so we're counting on you to provide the fuel we need to strengthen marriages, encourage parents, rescue preborn babies, reach people for Christ.
You know, over 190,000 people last year made a decision for Christ through Focus on the Family. That's what we're doing together. And we have mentioned this before, but some generous friends have provided that incentive in a fun way. Sometimes I've talked to people who are a little critical of that, but it's just a fun way to spur on giving. And if you make a $25 gift, they'll match it and make it a $50 gift.
So it's just a great way to do more in the coming year. Yeah, donate today. Your gift will be twice as meaningful and make twice the impact.
And along with that knowledge, we'll also send a copy of Gary's book as our way of saying thank you for your generosity. Contact us today. Double your gift when you call 800 the letter A and the word family. 800-232-6459. Or you can donate online. We've got the link in the show notes. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for joining us for this episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. You want your teenager to become a successful adult, right?
But how do you do that? Well, Dr. Ken Wilgus has worked with teenagers and their families for decades. His new book, Feeding the Mouth That Bites You, will help you with your adult in training. He'll explain age-appropriate freedoms for your teenager, the best ways to communicate, effective discipline, and most importantly, help them become a functional adult. Feeding the Mouth That Bites You at focusonthefamily.com slash store.
