Helping or Hurting? Understanding the Power of Your Words

As a young pastor, Ryan thought he was ready to get married, but soon after the wedding, he had a big problem.

When I'm doing counseling, I tell people oftentimes that I had the worst beginning six months of a marriage that I know of, and so I'm a qualified counselor for them. And what really began to give me a 180 in my marriage and in understanding my role as a husband was just the ministry of focus on the family. Now, Pastor Ryan points his congregation to all the resources we provide for families because we're still helping him today. Focus on the family empowers me in my marriage because I can understand that other people have gone through the same thing that I'm going through and I'm not alone in the struggles that I face, and my wife and I can gain hope from the stories that are shared on air. I'm Jim Daly. Help us give families hope today.

Donate and your gift will be doubled at focusonthefamily.com slash gift. Here's an insightful quote about the power of our words from Mother Teresa. Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. John, today we're sharing a very upbeat presentation from Dave and Ashley Willis, and they're going to talk about how our words, both positive and negative, impact the people around us.

You ever had that experience in marriage? Yes. Dave and Ashley are authors and speakers. They have four sons. God bless them. And they've been on this broadcast several times, and there's a lot of great content here, so let's get into it.

All right. Here are Dave and Ashley Willis speaking to our staff on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And so we want to talk to you a little bit today just about the power of words. You know, we met at college, at Georgetown College, a little Christian school in Kentucky, and when you walked into the library, there was a big plaque outside the library with a verse from Proverbs, and it said, whoever finds wisdom finds life and receives favor from the Lord. And in that period of my life, I didn't have a whole lot of wisdom, but that intrigued me a lot.

And then around that same time, I heard a message from a pastor that challenged me in a way that was life-changing. He said, listen, guys, God wants you to be wise. The book of Proverbs in the Bible is all about wisdom. And there are 31 chapters in that book.

If you read a chapter a day, every day, it'll only take you a few minutes. But if you do that over and over again each month, you read through the whole book once a month, and over the years to come, it will change your life because the Proverbs has wisdom for relationships and faith and work and finances and all these parts of life. And so I did that, and it really did start having a life-changing impact. And it will, among other things, it will shape the way that you speak words to the people in your life. And then that consequently will shape your relationships. It will because we know there's so much power in the words that we speak. And I think that, you know, for those of us in the room who are parents, we know that.

You hear this a lot in parenting courses and books that we read on parenting. But I think we forget, even as adults in our relationships, in our marriage, in our friendships, in our relationship with our colleagues, the words we speak to each other really matter. And they hold so much weight. You know, God spoke the world into existence with His words. So we know that they carry so much power.

And we need to learn how to speak them correctly and in a loving way and so that we can build each other up and not tear each other down. And so we know that there's such power in them. And I think that when we tend to not really pay close attention to the words we're speaking, it's usually because we're in what I like to refer to as a sandpaper season.

And you guys may know what I'm talking about. In a sandpaper season, no matter where you are or what you're doing, it's like everybody and everything around you, whether it's good or bad, right, it tends to rub you the wrong way, right? So somebody who did nothing wrong to you could come up to you. And because you're in a rough season, they come up to you and say something to you and you hear it the wrong way and it's like sandpaper to you and you become like sandpaper to them. And then out comes those words that you wish you hadn't said, right? And I found myself, you know, more than once I found myself in sandpaper seasons and I've definitely struggled with finding the right words.

And there was one in particular where we had moved across state lines. We were in a new community and we weren't really settling in as fast as I had kind of hoped in my mind. And normally I love putting a house together. Like it's one of my favorite things to do. I love decorating. I love making it feel like home. But because I was in a sandpaper season, even that was rubbing me the wrong way.

And so one morning while the kids were occupied, I was like, you know what, I'm going to I'm just going to suck it up and I'm going to put some curtains up and make this house a home if it kills me, right? So I'm not really having the right attitude about it. And I'm stomping up and down this ladder to go put up this curtain rod and I'm wrestling with it. And I just cannot get the screw to go square in the hole. I don't know if you've ever dealt with that, but it's so frustrating.

And then I would like the drill would eat out, like where I needed to get the screw to go into the hole and I have to get a new screw. And I'm like so frustrated. And so in walks Dave and he's in all of his workout gear because he's a runner and he's like so chipper, you guys. And I love that he's chipper. Like for a second I'm like, I'm so glad my husband's not in a terrible mood like I am. But then I'm like, why is he in such a great mood?

It's not fair, OK? And so he's like, hey, sweetie, it is a beautiful day outside. I'm just going to go on like a 30 minute run. And then he looks at me for a minute and he goes, oh, oh, you're putting up a curtain rod. And he's like, oh, do you need any help with that?

How are you doing? And I literally flipped my head around and was like, I'm fine. Like as sharp as I could possibly say it, OK? And because I said I was fine, Dave went out the door. I mean, her face in her non-verbal said she wasn't fine, but like she said she was fine.

So I took it, right? Like, all right, well, I'm going to go because like when I say I'm fine, it usually means that I'm fine. And so I just thought, well, maybe, you know, she's in the zone. Ashley, just to give you a little context here of how I misread the situation. Ashley grew up in a house with a guy, a man, a dad who could fix anything.

Like he could fix anything. Like the show MacGyver is loosely based on her dad. She thought all men were like that. And then she married me, OK? So her dad taught her how to do all this stuff. And so when it comes to home improvement, I'm usually just trying to help like fetching stuff for her. Like, hey, can I get this?

Can I get that? To the point where all the tools in our house, we have four sons, they refer to all the tools in our house as mommy's tools, OK? And I got a toolbox for Christmas one year from one of my brothers. I think more of a joke. It looks like a child's fishing tackle box. It's like this big.

I'm still not even sure what all the tools in it are. She's really good at this. I'm not. So I thought she was in the zone.

She didn't want me helping, which was fine because I was happy to not help. I took off running, which was amazing. It was a great day. It was beautiful.

I come back. I'm glowing. And she's still struggling. I'm really struggling, OK? And I was about to be struggling, too. You were.

He didn't even know it, though, you guys. He didn't even know what he was walking into because maybe you're not. Maybe you're like me, maybe you're not, OK? But during the 30 minute run where my precious husband is getting endorphins, is feeling good, blowing off steam, enjoying the beautiful day, I'm stomping up that ladder and I'm having a fight with him in my head. And I am winning. I just have this in my head.

So in he walks. He's just got the glow. And he literally, I'm pretty sure you did this, you were like, I mean, this day is just awesome. That was such a good run. I'm just so grateful for today. I mean, he was in such a great mood.

And then he looks over at me and he goes, oh, the curtain rod's not up yet. No, I don't remember this. I don't remember it. You said it. I cannot say for certain whether or not that happened.

It did. I was probably just trying to make conversation. If I said that, and I probably did, it was wrong. I'm sorry. Publicly, in front of the world today, I want to say I was wrong. I'm sorry. Accept it. No, but you were not.

He honestly had no idea. So like he says this comment to me, which was just a comment in passing, and I whip my head around like the exorcist. Okay. And I literally like start spewing word vomit. Okay. Like not kind words. And I literally, I think what I ended up saying as loud as possible was, I can't even look at you right now.

Right. And so then in my mind, I kind of like think back over the whole thing. Have you ever done that?

Have you ever found yourself in a situation you're like, how did we get here? And I think back like, she said she was fine, but she wasn't fine. Like that's where this whole thing went wrong. Right. It's like you get to the end of the movie, The Sixth Sense, and you're like, Bruce Willis has been dead the whole time. Spoiler.

Sorry. And that's how I felt in this moment. I've been dead the whole time.

I've been dead the whole time and just now realized that because I missed, I missed the communication that she was trying to give me because I was so just in my own world. And I think it's so easy for all of us to do that at work, at home, everywhere we go to get in our own little bubble with our own little agenda and to be so focused on what we're doing that we minimize the thoughts and feelings and words of those who are around us. And in doing that, we're steamrolling over the people that we love instead of building bonds of mutual respect and looking for ways to serve and connect and dealing with stress in our own ways. We were both stressed in that season.

Yes. And instead of leaning in and facing that stress together, we were just isolating ourselves. You know, like going for a run in part was just an escape from the stress instead of leaning in and saying like, hey, before I go do that, let's really connect and talk about what's going on. And I was missing moments to do that. And this moment just became a critical point where we realized, okay, the status quo isn't working. Exactly.

And it was a critical turning point for me too because it wasn't all on day for this. I mean, I was expecting my non-verbals, my huffs and my puffs and my eye rolls and my head, you know, flipping my head around. Like to do my communicating for me, right?

Instead of just saying, you know, instead of saying fine, okay, I should have been honest and said, you know what? I do need your help. I need help. I'm so frustrated right now. I don't like it here.

I don't even like this house. Like normally I would love doing something like this, but I'm so frustrated. And instead I think I was believing the lie that I just needed to just handle it myself and that it's just my problem. It's not Dave's problem. And then it soon became his problem. And then I created more problems. Okay, because that's what happens when we don't communicate in a loving and kind and honest way.

You know, as parents, we're often, you know, saying to our toddlers who are throwing fits, who don't really even have the words yet, when they're learning those words, what do we say to them? Use your words. Use your words. Just use your words.

You don't need to get so upset. But yet as adults, we don't use our words all the time. Like if I had just used my words, my poor husband would know how I was really feeling, right? And if he had used his words to tell me, like, I feel like escaping, like I'm not liking this season either, we could have gotten more on the same page. And so at that point, like we really had a heart to heart conversation. He apologized for not really paying attention, like he said, but I apologized for not really telling him the truth.

And it really got us to get more on the same page with communicating in a healthy way. And whether you're married or not, I feel like we all can end up butting heads with someone that we work closely with, that we're in friendship with. Maybe it is with your children. Whoever it is in your life, you may be at kind of a situation like this where you're in a sandpaper season and both of you have been rubbing each other the wrong way. I hope that after today, you know, you go back to that person and say, listen, I am so sorry that I've been coming off the way that I have. I've been pushing you away.

I've been acting like there's not a problem and there is. And I want to get it all out and I want to talk to each other in a loving way so that we can have that strong bond that God wants us to have. Yeah, and God wants you to have healthy relationships. That's why the Scriptures say so much about this.

And I want to just read some Scriptures right now. The best preaching advice I ever got early on is a young pastor and this preaching mentor, like back in Kentucky, and he said it just like this. Me and a group of other young guys, he says, Now, fellers, listen, whenever you're speaking, always use lots of Scripture. That way you'll know at least something you said is actually true.

So this part's actually true, all right? Matthew chapter 12. And to me, this verse right here, to me, this is one of the scariest verses in the whole Bible. Listen to the weight of these words from Jesus. And I bet it'll be a little bit sobering to you as well. Jesus says this, Matthew chapter 12, verse 36, But I tell you, everyone will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every word they have spoken, for by your words you will be acquitted and by your words you will be condemned.

Guys, that's heavy. Because I've said some stuff, and I bet you have too. I've said some stuff, I've texted some stuff that if it was broadcast on a screen somewhere, I would want to just crawl under a table and die. We've all said careless words. And here Jesus is saying, man, those words have so much weight. Now, as followers of Christ, we don't have to live in shame or condemnation because Jesus paid the price on the cross for every sin we'll ever commit, every wrong word we'll ever speak, and so we can live in the freedom of that and not in the condemnation of the judgment of that. But at the same time, we have to carry in our minds and in our heart always as we prepare to speak words that these words are weighty. These words matter. Just as God himself formed the universe with words and created us in his image, we're shaping the world around us by the words that we're speaking to the people in our lives.

And if we're not speaking life, then we're speaking death. And we live in a time when people are so desperate, they're so hungry for encouragement that they'll go anywhere to find it, and yet we're starving each other of encouragement very often in our own homes and in our own friendships. I heard a woman once giving a teaching about customer service, and she said, you know, I go into stores in different places, and I tell them, you have the power to change the world because every interaction you have is an opportunity for you to encourage someone, and encouragement is life-changing power. And she was teaching a group of grocery store workers this principle. And a few weeks later, this lady was saying, I got a call from a young man who was at my session, and he said, listen, your talk changed my life. And she said, how did it change your life? And he said, well, I work at a grocery store, and I'm a bag boy, and I never saw my job as important, but after your talk, I realized that I have the opportunity to change people's lives. And she said, well, tell me a little bit about yourself.

And he said, well, my name's Johnny, I'm 19 years old, and I have Down syndrome. So what's easy for a lot of people is a little more difficult for me, and I do it a little more slowly, and I think in different ways, but I love people, and I've always wanted to change the world, but I never thought that I would be able to because I didn't think I'd have the opportunity. But when you said every interaction is an opportunity to encourage and the world's hungry for encouragement, I realized I was seeing hundreds of people every day and that I could encourage them. So I sat down with my parents, and I got this idea that every night, we would get online, and we would find a Bible verse or an encouraging thought for the day, and we would print them all out on paper and cut them out like little fortune cookie-sized pieces of paper. And as I'm bagging people's grocery, I would take that piece of paper, and I'd say, here's a little encouragement for you today. I hope it makes your day.

God loves you, and I do too, and I hope you have a great day. And I put it in their bag, and I started doing that. And you wouldn't believe what happened. After a couple days, my line became the longest line in the store. People would line up forever when other lines were wide open, and the managers would come around and say, why aren't you guys using self-checkout? Why aren't you in this line over here? And they're like, no, I don't even need this stick of gum I'm buying.

I just want to see Johnny. That kid makes my day. I've got to get today's encouraging thought of the day. And he said, I realize that we all have this super power of encouragement, and yet so few of us are using it.

And our words, guys, have the ability to do that. You can change someone's outlook on life. You can change someone's perspective. You can build somebody up, or you can tear them down with the power of your words. And here are just a few of the things, coming back to Proverbs, that Proverbs say about this. Proverbs 11, 9, with their words, the godless destroy their friends, but knowledge will rescue the righteous. Proverbs 26, talking about gossip. Fire goes out without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.

That's a good one. And about repeating negative behavior, and this one is kind of gross, but the imagery will stick with you. Proverbs 26, 11, as a dog returns to its vomit. So have you ever seen that, by the way?

Dog retreats, it's gross. But it's in the Bible. So a fool repeats his foolishness. In other words, we have a tendency to go back and repeat. We'll say gross things. We'll know it's wrong, and then we'll repeat it. We'll go back to that same pattern. And God is calling us to live by wisdom and saying, break away from those negative patterns.

Remove those negative words from your vocabulary, and start going in a different direction. Absolutely, and we have the power to do that with God's help. But we have to look at our life and really take an assessment. First of all, who are we surrounding ourselves with the most?

Because, and I'm sure you guys have heard this before, this is in many books, both Christian and secular. It talks about how you're going to become most like the five people you hang around the most. You know, think about that, and if there's people in your life where they're not leading you towards God, they're leading you further away from God, they're getting you into the habit of saying things carelessly, or hurtful things, or being a gossip, or just always being negative, always complaining. I would distance yourself from those people and pray for them, yes.

But don't let them be in your inner circle because you're going to become more like them. I think we also need to think about what are we consuming? We need to think about what are we listening to? What are we watching?

What are we reading? Because that affects how we think, and then it affects what we do and what we say. And I think all of us have to do this regularly.

This isn't like a one time and done. This is a journey through life. Because the truth is we're changing as people all the time, and there's different circumstances that we're facing.

We're going through different seasons. And so all of us really need to be, you know, really tuned in to where our minds are going. And we want to make sure that we set our minds on Jesus, that we're reading our Bible, we're putting His truth inside our minds, inside our minds, and make sure that we're not consuming stuff that would draw us away from the Lord and then, you know, lead us to say words to others that draw them away from the Lord. I mean, that's how much power we have in our words. I think about, you know, when we have people in our lives that come to us and they say, man, so-and-so said this about me and I just can't seem to shake it. Like I just, I am that person they said I am. I'm never going to do anything good in my life.

We've got to be those people to stand in the gap and say, no, no, no, no. God has a bright future for you. And it may take a lot of hard work, more than likely it is.

And it's going to take a conscious effort on your part, but you can chart a new course for you and your family. You can do great things for God in His power and with His help. You know, we have the ability to be that kind of person that builds each other up and really changes the trajectory of their life.

We really do. And we're called to do that. Good, kind words are healing. Proverbs says this, Proverbs 16, 24, kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul and healthy to the body. Proverbs 15, one, a gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. And over and over, in Proverbs and throughout all of scripture, we see the power of words. And words leave impressions, especially when we're young. It's like our hearts and minds are wet cement when we're young and the words spoken to us in those times form impressions, just like someone putting their handprints in wet cement. And whether those words were positive or negative, we grow up and those impressions are hard to shake.

And some of us are still walking around as adults with these images in our mind, these lies in our mind, limiting us because people in our lives who should have been protecting us and encouraging us were critical to us or even abusive to us. And that's when we've got to find the healing that only Jesus can bring. And maybe we find that in part through Christian counseling, but we always find it through His word reminding us who we are. Because God says who we are. The one who made us is the only one who can define us. And His plan for your life is something that's beautiful.

And if you've believed broken soundtracks in your mind about who you are, it's time to go back to the truth about who God says you are. Because as parents, even if you had the best of parents, you're going to blow it sometimes. I've been at parenting a while, and we teach about this stuff, and I still blow it a lot. And they're not just all past stories. I mean, I've got recent stories of me not speaking words with wisdom and kindness.

I'll give you a recent example. So our son who just graduated high school, the last couple weeks of his high school, we were doing all the senior year stuff, like going to banquets for this and awards and stuff for that. And so one night, we're going to the band Banquet. It's a banquet. It's nice. It's fancy. And it's a big deal.

He's been in band since like sixth grade, and this is a big celebration of that as a senior. So we drive there real fast. I'd driven there so fast, I hadn't paid attention to what he was wearing. And I looked back in the car, and what he's wearing is we're about to go in, and he had just come from the gym, and he had a sweat ring around his t-shirt and these gym shorts that were like baggy and these old socks, and I was like, you can't wear that. And he's like, what does it matter what I wear? Like, it matters a lot.

It says Banquet on the thing, and you look like a bum, and you can't wear that. And he goes, I'm 18. I'm 18. I'm like, oh, no, he didn't.

He didn't do the I'm 18. So I bit my tongue, and the reason why I bit my tongue is some friends from church were walking by right at that moment. Have you ever had this happen? Totally, yes. When you're about to lose it, and all of a sudden, you win an Academy Award for Best Actor because his guidance counselor goes to our church, and it was him and his wife and one of their kids, and I'm like, you listen to me. Hey, God bless you. How are you? Oh, have you lost weight?

These kids grow up so... Where does the time go? I know. We do have to grab lunch.

We do. Yes, call me. Call me.

It's so good to see you. I can't believe you. And so we drive, and we're parking. I've got to figure out a plan now. What am I going to do? You can't go in like that. You know, you just can't.

And he's going to go in like that, and you can't. I failed you as a parent, and after 18 years, you think you're going to walk in like that. And so, again, I should have been wise. I should have been mature, but that's not what happened. So what happened was he started saying, this is what I'm wearing. I'm 18.

I'm 18. I wear what I want. And I was like, okay, this is what's going to happen.

You and I are the same size. I'm going to take off my clothes in this parking lot. I'm going to give them to your ungrateful behind, and you're going to put them on. You're going to go in, and I'm going to drive home and pray to God I don't get pulled over by the police and explain why I'm half naked.

So that's what's going to happen. And he's like, that's dumb. I'm 18. And then I start pulling my clothes off saying, I'm 44. I'm 44, and I'm having to get naked in a parking lot because my son who's 18 doesn't know how to dress.

And I know what you take away from that story. He's only 44. He looks old.

I do. Do you know why I look old? Because parenting is hard. I looked so young before I had kids. So he's laughing now because it was ridiculous. I was the toddler at that point, ripping my clothes off and throwing them. And he's laughing.

Ashley's laughing. And then I'm laughing in my underwear in the school parking lot as I drive home to go change clothes. And you did not get pulled over.

I did not get pulled over. No, I did not. So all of us are a work in progress, guys. We do not come at these sessions as experts, but encouragers who are fellow-strugglers on the journey with you that are trying to, every day, having to have opportunities to repent again and say, Lord, I blew it again. Would you help me? Would you forgive me of that? Would you give me wisdom to do it better next time? Would you help us to keep growing and to show grace to each other? And I'm so thankful for an amazing wife who's done that for me, who's shown me grace, who spoke words of healing and life over me, whether it was going through health struggles or going through earlier in our marriage, sin struggles where I'd had this secret struggle with pornography from my teenage years into early adulthood and had lived in the secret shame of that cycle.

And when that came out, as you can imagine, it was messy. And she so wisely helped navigate that mess through the pain that she was feeling that I had caused, but still, instead of beating me down with her words, spoke life to me. And I just, I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve that encouragement, but I can't describe how healing that was.

And I'm so thankful for that. And we have so much power in our words, guys, to be healers. It doesn't mean we never speak hard truth. The Bible tells us to do that as well. And sometimes that's what encouragement is, to literally give the courage to someone for them to do something that's really difficult that they're not willing to do at the moment. But we've got to come back to kindness and not being, the world's full of criticism and sarcasm and anger and all that stuff.

And as people of Jesus, followers of Jesus, our words, they have to be different. And even when we blow it, which we will, okay, we will, because we're human and we're imperfect. When we blow it with someone and we did not quite say the words, we've got to have that courage to go up to them and say, listen, I am so sorry.

Like, I should not have said that. Would you please forgive me? I want to do better next time. And then we need to do better next time and do the best we can and ask for God's help and He will help us. But kind of make a declaration over your life that you're going to be someone that speaks words of life because there's going to be people in your life that come to you, maybe based on what you went through, seeing how you got through it. And you can be that person to say, God is not finished with you yet. He has good things for you.

He has a future that you can't even imagine. And you are not damaged goods. You are His beloved child. We all need to strive to be those kind of people. And that's how we came to the close of this presentation from Dave and Ashley Willis, to our staff on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

Well, it was great. And I really appreciate the honesty and humor from Dave and Ashley. Their stories are unforgettable. And if you'd like to delve deeper into how to love other people well with your words and your actions, let me recommend a book written by Dave Willis called The Seven Laws of Love, Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships. Go with Dave on a journey through the ins and outs of everyday relationships to see practical examples of how to love others better.

That's the idea. You can get a copy of The Seven Laws of Love from us here at Focus on the Family for a donation of any amount. And we'll include a free audio download of this presentation from the Willis's with extra content. Yeah, donate today. And get your copy of Dave's book when you call 800, the letter A, and the word family.

That's 800-232-6459. Or you can donate online and we put the link in the show notes. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Take a moment, if you would, please, and leave a rating for us in your podcast app and then spread the word about this helpful content. Share about this episode with a friend. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. and most importantly, help them become a functional adult. Get Feeding the Mouth That Bites You at focusonthefamily.com slash store.