Experiencing a Fulfilled Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

But when you give your husband true compliments, it is like putting water on a plant. I know what I'm talking about. Do you hear me?

Even if they reject it, even if they act like it didn't move then, believe me, if you walk out the room and peek back at them, they like it. We can confess to that. Oh my goodness. On this episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daley, Patricia Ashley shares her remarkable testimony of how her marriage was saved and she has some excellent ideas you can put into practice in your marriage today. Thanks for joining us.

I'm John Fuller. John, I love the spark of life in this woman. She is awesome and I think all of us would admit if we've been married more than a few years that no marriage is perfect, not one. And when that realization hits you, the critical question is what do you do? Do you choose to lovingly confront your spouse and work through the issue or do you ignore the problem and hope it'll just go away? And if the problem continues, then what? How about the realization that maybe your spouse isn't the problem, it's you.

I've had that happen a couple of times. That's another show. Patricia Ashley has the answers to those tough questions and she's sharing with us out of her own pain from a marriage that was in terrible trouble. But Patricia and her husband Vernon ended up having a happy marriage and they were married for over 45 years up until his death in 2018. Let's roll it, John.

Okay, here's Patricia Ashley speaking at a women's conference in Indian Wells, California a number of years ago on today's Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. My testimony is that when I got saved, I didn't know that God was gonna save my marriage. I thought he was just gonna save me. It was like my marriage being saved was a byproduct of me being saved.

It wasn't as a result of anything that I did to develop my marriage or to work on my marriage. At the point where I was saved, I was sick of my relationship and my husband was equally as sick of his relationship with me. Do you understand me?

We mutually say that to people. You know, we were literally at the end. Our marriage was dead, waiting to be buried.

Do y'all hear me? I mean, when I say it was dead, and some of you all are gonna relate to what I'm saying if you'll be honest. When I say it was dead, I mean that I didn't love my husband. I didn't hate him. I wasn't glad to see him come. I wasn't glad to see him go. It didn't make a difference what time he came in or if he came in at all.

That's dead, huh? No feeling. He didn't make me happy. He didn't make me sad.

He didn't even make me mad anymore. How many of you can relate to what I'm saying? Be honest. Come on. Hallelujah. I know I'm telling the truth. That's where our relationship was.

It was dead. And I knew that I needed something. And I had grown up in a Christian environment where my mother, my father, they had taken us to church. And I think too, as a result of watching my mother be committed to my father, there were times where I felt like I just wouldn't let him talk to me like that. And I grew up with that in me.

You understand me? And so it created in me a real hardness and a defiance. And I would cross my husband on every turn and just would not cooperate. And so you know what that does to a marriage. And of course he brought in his excess baggage as well.

And along with about five years of being unsaved in the military with no one to be accountable to, we were literally at the end, burnt out. And we just had one thing in common. We both dearly loved our two children. And that was what God used to hold us together. Because he was, he loved them as much as I did. And he was as committed to them as much as I was. And that kept us together.

How many of you know what I'm talking about? All right. That was our only reason. But after a while, that wasn't reason enough.

Okay. And so I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. And as a result, I began to read my word, not knowing what God was gonna do with that. And my husband, he accepted Jesus in our dining room. And he began to read his word. And we were so, our lives were so isolated.

We were so divorced emotionally, spiritually, and physically, that he would read his Bible in one room, and I would read my Bible in another room. And as far as I was concerned, he had his Jesus, and I had mine. You understand what I'm saying? Now, were we at the end? I mean, we were, even after getting saved, I just, there was so, after so much hurt, after so much disappointment, after so much disillusionment. You understand, just dead in the eye, I don't even want to feel good about you no more. You understand what I'm saying? Do y'all, y'all, follow me now, because we're gonna be real in here. I don't even want you to make me feel good anymore, because to feel good, then I gotta feel bad again.

My emotions must surface, and just, let's just leave them alone. And that's where my marriage was. And as we grew in the Lord, and as we began to read the word, not even trying to be friends with each other again, not even trying to develop a relationship, we just started reading the word, and, and loving the Lord, and allowing ourselves to learn who Jesus was. God allowed a situation to happen in one of our friend's lives, and we had to pray together. And when I found myself with my husband at the foot of our bed on our knees praying, we prayed, and as we began to cry out and pray together to the same God, little did we know that when we raised up our heads and we looked at each other, God had quickened our dead marriage.

Do y'all hear what I'm saying? He had quickened it, and he had made it a lie. The God that we serve, he specializes in resurrecting that which is dead.

Come on now. Some of us rigor mortis has set up in our marriages. And, and I mean when we look at our marriage from the perspective of what God has designed for marriage, we've come, we've gone so far from what God intended for the marriage to, to be, and we need God to resurrect it. We need God to make it alive again, and with that will come healing, but it's only at the feet of Jesus.

That's the safest place to get it, at the feet of Jesus in his presence, because as I grew in the Lord and began to read the word and just focus on the Lord, I had no expectations of my husband, only of the Lord, and God began to fill me with his love, and with that love God started healing me. Do you understand me what I'm saying? And as a result of that, because we just both started growing in our relationship, God knitted our hearts back together, and now the love that we experience, it's different. Do you all hear what I'm saying? The commitment is different, and what we began to do is we began to go to the word after we realized we liked each other again. That's where we started at. We just, I just like you, let's not deal with all this other stuff, and let's not try to get romantic on, you know, I just like you again, I respect you again. Come on now, you know how you can do that. You lose respect for, they lose respect for you.

They become bitter and indifferent and cold, and you become angry and hard and cold yourself. You know what I'm saying? Hallelujah. So God began to work, and what we began to do was we began to invest time. When we saw that God had invested in our marriage, we made a commitment to invest into it.

Do you understand what I'm saying? And then we went to the word, and we began to look at what the word of God had to say about marriage, because you see, what we found out is all the way back over in Genesis, that marriage itself originated in the heart of God. It was in the wisdom of God. It wasn't because somewhere in time, man found woman, woman found man. Man liked woman, woman liked man.

Man had idea, let's be together. It wasn't in the heart or the mind of man. God didn't just create man and woman and let them discover each other.

He made them for each other. In the beginning, man, God said it's not good for man to be alone or woman to be alone. The word says in Proverbs 18 22, it says that whosoever, and this is what God says, whosoever, meaning your husband, findeth a wife, meaning you, he has found a good thing, hey, and have obtained favor of the Lord. So now ladies, I want you to go back home and tell your husbands, precious, call him precious, speak faith, sweetheart, you have found a good side in me. And because you have me, I don't care what you act like, but just because you have me, you have favor in God's sight.

Hallelujah. Now that's what the word say. You must say what the word say. How many of you believe in saying what the word say?

That's what you got to say that you might not think he's worth it. Come on now, sometimes we don't. We don't think they deserve us as being good things. And some of us have been so beaten down and so criticized and so unappreciated.

I know what I'm talking about. That we don't feel like that's the heart of God. But God says, be healed today and get the mind of God. Think the thoughts of God.

Know that regardless to how your husband just don't know, and you have to tell him, I don't care what he's acting like, tell him, you found favor with God because you found me. Now what does that do to you? It puts you in a position where you've got to be a good thing. Meaning that his heart must be able to safely trust in you, that you'll do him no harm. Meaning that you are going to be sensitive to him and that you're going to adapt your lifestyle to what his needs are.

Ooh. Say what? That's what the Bible says. If we just get the mind of God, I know we got to get healed and we got to get a new attitude. But if we just say what the Bible says, the Bible says that when God looked at man, he saw that he needed a helper. And so we as females were created to be helpers.

Come on now. Now I know in this New Age movement where the God is within us and we can believe it, we can achieve it, and you have to make sacrifices. So honey, sacrifice your marriage, sacrifice your children, and you have to achieve some of your goals in life, honey.

Because when you sacrifice yourself and give your whole life to this man and to your children, they will all up and leave you one day. That's the kind of foolish counsel that we get from the world and sometimes from sisters in the church. And so it's necessary for us when we've been hurt, when we've been mistreated, when we've been misunderstood, unappreciated, all of that is real.

We must take that to the very feet of Jesus and let him heal us. And we must allow God to strengthen us and to give us his attitude and to give us his wisdom as to how we are to handle the different situations in our lives. But we have a responsibility because we will stand before God to give an account for those of you that are married, you're going to give an account for how you were a wife to your husband.

Doesn't matter how he acts. Do you understand what I'm saying? And the one thing I learned early when I started asking God to show me, he showed me, he said, number one, this man, you are not going to stand as a couple in my face to be judged for your works. You're not going to stand as a couple. You're going to stand as an individual and give an account. So now you can make a decision to unconditionally obey me as it relates to your responsibilities as a woman and as a wife.

How's that? That's real tight, but it's right. Listen, I remember one day reading a book by this woman and I believe the title was Me Obey Him and it was a little book. I think it was 99 pages, pity a page, 99 cents. God couldn't send anyone to me to tell me or teach me the principles of submission. I was that strong-willed and that self-willed and that determined. So God allowed me to pick up this little book and this little book is a hammer, okay? When I read the book, I fell on my face when I got through with the last page and I cried out. I said, oh God, you don't know him.

Come on now. I said, listen, if I do what this woman said, he ain't gonna have me doing all kind of crazy things. But God took me back and he said, listen, I wrote this book and what she's sharing from her book is as a result of what she got from this book and heaven and earth will pass away, but I will not change my mind. And I said, okay. I said, but God, you don't know him. He said, I made it. I know him. I'm trying to share with you my struggle. And God really brought me to a point. He said, it's not an issue of your submitting to him.

It's an issue of your submitting to me. He said, cause when you can submit to me, you won't fear submitting to him. Do you all hear me? And he said, when you submit to me, I can change his heart. Come on now. He said, now, certainly if I could clamp the mouth of the lions. He said, if I could do that. And he said, if I could open up the red seat and let the children of Israel cross on dry land, who is this little man?

Who is he? Come on now. Now ladies, look, I don't want to paint an ugly picture of my husband because he is so precious, but he's a man, man. Do you all hear what I'm saying?

And being in the military, he's a military man, and they believe in order and structure. And I told him, God gave me to him to balance his life out. But listen, when God dealt with me, I watched God change his heart and God began to soften him up.

And do you know when God began to show me me, and that's what we need to do. We need to talk to ourselves. We need to say, self, shut up. Self, sit down. Listen, you get your friend, get your sister to be accountable to a prayer partner that would like to invest in your marriage.

I believe that we should choose people that's committed to our husbands. If your girlfriend will sit and help you criticize your husband, get rid of her or stop her. Stop her.

I'm serious. Stop her. Now listen, my mother gave me this counselor. I didn't think it was so wise, but I didn't understand what it meant at the time. I later learned. She said, now listen, you be committed.

You stay in there and you work it out. And for those of us that are born again, pray through, pray through, but be committed to it. Listen, it says that we're to leave and cleave.

The word says that in Genesis 2 24, that for this reason, you will never be fulfilled in your marriage if you don't leave and cleave. Some of us still have emotional ties. We still have soul ties with mom and dad. Come on now.

We do. Now, my husband was the youngest child that his mother had. She called him her million dollar gold piece. Now can you imagine what position that put me in?

I could top that if I wanted to. And that was the way she treated him. Like he was her million and she let me know when we were dating.

That's what she called it. And a large amount of our struggle in our relationship was because there was a soul tie between he and his mother. And that thing had to be broken, but it wasn't until we got in the word that we realized that I was now his wife and his mother was his daddy's wife. Hallelujah. Come on now. Come on now. And so what we had to do that we had been married and saved a long time before we realized this. What we had to do is on one of our trips back home, he had to go to his mother and he had to say, he had to go to his father first and ask his father to forgive him for having a place in his mother's heart that only he should have had. Now I'm not talking about sensuous or anything like that.

I ain't talking about being perverted. Y'all understand what I'm talking about? Okay. But he had to go to his mother and say, I want to ask you to forgive me for taking that place and requiring that. He said, and I want to release you now back to your husband. And I want to be your son.

One that will honor you. Come on now and take care of you in your old age if you need me to, but I want to honor you and I want to receive godly counsel from you and I want to support you, but you, I release you back to your husband. And he had to do this in front of me and his dad. And his daddy was a glad brother. Give me my wife.

Come on now. But do you know what healing took place between he and his father? And that was how that was broken. And God began to use my husband to minister to his mother and use his mother to minister to him. It got godly. And on that personal note, we'll have to wrap up this part of the presentation from Patricia Ashley. This is focused on the family with Jim Daly. And wow, Jim, she has been so very transparent and honest about the struggles in her marriage and the hope she had in doing things the way God recommends. And we'll hear more from Patricia next time. John, isn't it amazing that when we as individuals start to seek God wholeheartedly, and you know what that means, we see benefits not just in our spirit, but in our relationships, our work, and even our health. And I just love the fact that Patricia Ashley didn't demand that God rescue her marriage. She just began seeking the Lord with her whole heart. And then her husband got saved, their marriage got saved, and even her husband's relationship with his parents improved. That's what we talk about in terms of the Christian life. When you live it out, the benefits are there. That's true. And I hope Patricia's story has motivated you as a listener to take that first step toward making things right with your spouse and just see how God can work in your marriage.

Well, you know what? Someone has to take that first step, and that's the hardest step of all. We can talk all day long, but if your heart doesn't open up and you don't reach out to your spouse, nothing's going to change. Now, let me just say, if you are in an abusive situation, it's important that you get to a place of safety for yourself and if you have children for them as well. But keep praying for your spouse and for their healing. You know, strong marriages make for healthy families where children can grow up in a safe and loving atmosphere. Here at Focus on the Family, we want to do everything we can to help couples improve their relationship like Patricia Ashley talked about today.

And boy, this past year has been very tough on marriages. Our counseling team is seeing that in the calls that we receive each and every day here at Focus on the Family. Let me remind you that we are here for you. Call us if you need help.

Don't hold back. If you feel that your marriage is really in dire straits, ask about our Hope Restored Intensives. When we interview the couples that have attended, it's a four-day intensive, those couples two years later, we go back to every couple and we do a survey with them. Over 80% say they're doing well and are grateful for the experience. And those counselors at Hope Restored are going to give you tools to understand what's going on, those fears that lurk beneath the issues that you and your spouse face, all those things. They're going to help you address those fears so you feel safe. That process is going to help you be more open-hearted with your spouse.

Yeah, and their approach really makes sense. And obviously the proof's in the pudding if you have over 80% of these couples staying together and having a better relationship. Well, as we close for today, John, I want to make a resource available to the listeners to energize their relationships. We're putting together a free audio bundle that will include this incredible message from Patricia Ashley with some extra content plus other popular broadcasts designed to help improve marriages. And look for the collection called Nurturing the Heart of Your Spouse when you visit us online today.

Yeah, that collection is yours. It has over four hours of content from some of our guests like Shanti Feldhahn, Kathy Lipp, and Dr. Greg Smalley. Get your free downloads when you follow the link in the show notes or give us a call for details 800 the letter A and the word family. When you're online with us, be sure to look for our free marriage assessment, which is a quick online quiz to help you identify the strengths and maybe the weaknesses, and it'll help you grow in your relationship.

So take that free online quiz. The link is in the notes. Also, be sure to tune in next time as we hear from Patricia about why it's important to decide that God is able to help your marriage. You get out of your husband's face, and you get in the face of God.

You stop talking and pulling on your husband, and you began to talk and pull on God. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Take a moment, please, and leave a rating for us in your podcast app and then share about Patricia's energy and insights with a friend who might need some encouragement in their marriage.

That really helps us spread the word about this great content. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Your kids are unique and so are you. You have your strengths as a parent and areas of growth too. Find out what they are by taking the seven traits of effective parenting assessment from Focus on the Family. Find out how you're doing on traits like gratitude, grace, and other research-backed traits.

When you're done, we'll give you a detailed PDF with several pages of content on how to use your unique strengths and how to work on your areas of growth. This simple framework shows you how to be an effective mom or dad in daily family life, a parent who recognizes your imperfections and finds ways to thrive. You'll also get access to other resources from Focus on the Family to help you keep growing into the best parent for your kids. It only takes a few minutes to boost your parenting. Take the seven traits of effective parenting assessment at ParentingTraits.com. That's ParentingTraits.com.