How to Guard Your Marriage from Temptation (Part 2 of 2)

That's how Diana sees my hedges.

She said, you know, I see these as your gift of love to me. And so I know you're following them and I count on you for that. Well that's Jerry Jenkins and he's back with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly to share what you can do to safeguard your marriage.

Thanks for joining us, I'm John Fuller. Well last time we talked about some touchy subjects in the creation of hedges, which is Jerry's book Hedges. And I think if people missed it, they should go back and take a listen to that. We covered some of those hedges.

We're going to continue to talk about those hedges today. But if you want the full package, go back and listen. You can get that from the app. Our mobile app is terrific, yeah. Computer and whatever. What do you do at a computer?

I don't know. At the computer you can listen online or you can watch on YouTube, right? Is that what you do? Yeah, you can do that. I do everything through the app now, I don't know. Computers still exist?

They do, yeah. But the app is a great thing. But we're going to continue today because it's a serious topic. I mean there are hedges and then there are holes in the hedges. And the idea for us as Christians is how do we make sure we're nurturing our relationships, particularly with our spouse, but with our family to protect those things that will take us down. You know John 10 says the thief, meaning Satan, the enemy, will come to steal, kill, and destroy. And that's physical, certainly plays itself out in the issue of abortion, but also in the issue of our marriages, our relationships, etc.

He despises those things and has tried to bring havoc into every relationship we have. So today we're going to talk more with Jerry Jenkins about these concepts. Yeah, there's so much good stuff that was in part one, as you said, and I'm looking forward to the conversation today. Now some of this is not going to be suitable for you younger children.

Just be aware of that as we continue. And Jerry Jenkins is probably best known to many for writing the Left Behind series. He's partnered with Focus for some novels based on The Chosen that was created and produced by his son, Dallas. Jerry and his wife, Diana, have been married for 50 plus years, 53 years.

They have three grown sons and eight grandchildren. Jim, as you alluded, we're talking today about his book Hedges Seven Ways to Love Your Wife and Protect Your Marriage. We have copies of that here. Give us a call or stop by the show notes for the link. Jerry, welcome back. It's good to see you again. Thank you.

Good to be here. Going back to last time, we did touch on flirting a little bit. Let's pick it up again today, because that can be such an easy area to kind of just wiggle through a little bit. But you're saying you should have some really hard boundaries on what that is. And sometimes, you know, Gene will say occasionally to me, you're a little too nice to that waitress. You know, it's with her there, but I'm trying to be nice to a server. And, you know, I'm thinking it's all within normal boundaries. You know, I hope you're having a great day, whatever it might be. But what she perceives as maybe being too friendly is, you know, I got to pay attention to that. Right.

I think that's important. And, you know, I mentioned yesterday that, you know, I'll flirt with my wife and you flirt with yours. I had this happen in a church when I was a kid. I saw two couples that I admired being a young single guy. And they hung around a lot together.

And the husband of one of the couples and the wife of the other would tease each other in a flirtatious way. And they like to be funny. I like to be funny. So I thought that's humorous.

That's maybe an example for me how to be fun and funny. But eventually, those two got together. And I think it started because of that flirting, even in front of their spouses, wound up breaking up two marriages. And it was a disaster.

It was chaos. So I think it's crucial to, to keep your flirting within your own home. Yeah. And I guess you just learned the boundaries of that over time and what that means. And, you know, and my, my dad was a career law enforcement officer. And he used to say that that flirting is like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun, you might get what you're asking for. That's not good.

That's not good at all. Share your hedge regarding wedding vows. You mentioned that quickly as we gave the list, but I want to go a little deeper into that. Boy, that's something that most of us forget to apply. They were wonderful words. And what were those words that I used to say? And so talk about the importance of remembering those.

Yeah, I think it's important because when we say them, they're in that old English or Elizabethan English. Keep the the unto myself for as long as we push and all that stuff. And I would love it if a pastor would simply say, now you realize what you've just said.

You've just said, you're not going to sleep with anybody else as long as you live, as long as she's alive. You know, and then people go, oh, that's crass and that's tacky, but that's the vow. And so when, you know, I mentioned that I'm not a counselor or ordained or professional, I'm a struggling, you know, fellow layman. But when I wrote this book, people would come to me sometimes with their marital issues and want advice. And oftentimes, it was a husband who had strayed and would say, you know, this new relationship is so beautiful, God has to be in it.

And I go, I'm not going to sit close to you because I'm not fond of lightning. You know, that is really heresy and blasphemy. And you need to acknowledge, you broke your vow. Remember what you said at your wedding, you said you would not do this, and you've done it. Start there.

And we can go from there. You also mentioned the book and this is good, some fun and practical ways to incorporate your vows more deeply. I'm trying to think of the fun ways you can do that.

What are some ideas? Well, anytime it's a special occasion, a birthday or even Christmas or Valentine's Day or whenever whatever people celebrate, you know, their anniversary, you look for the right card, you sign love always, etc. Just add your vow. Yeah, I'm still keeping you only unto me for as long as we both shall live. Oh, that's good.

And it's clever. I got into trouble the other day because it was our anniversary. And I go and I got flowers, two dozen red roses with baby's breath. And first of all, that was a hassle. The woman's looking at me like, what? Can you put it together? I mean, I got a half hour.

But she did. And you know, the big Mylar balloon, happy anniversary. I go look for a card. There was not one anniversary card in the aisles of cards. And I had to get a really good birthday card and scratch out.

Happy birthday, you know, your love means the most to me. And it was the right word. It was the right sentence, the wrong header, though. So I just crossed it out, put anniversary there.

And I told Jane, Hey, here's the thing. But the cards words are really good. That's a really classic card. Yeah, funny for her.

Yeah, very sincere. I won't tell you about the other card that Trent picked out and Jean read it. I signed it. It was for her birthday from me. And Trent, I asked him to pick it up because I had too many meetings going on that day.

And I didn't even get a chance to respond to him. And so he picked out a card and I signed it really quick and licked it and put it by the flowers. And then Jean read it went, This is the best card you've ever gotten. Now I had to confess is Trent's at the end of the table. And I'm going, Okay, I'm on the spot.

Trent picked it out for you. You know, Diana has a great sense of humor. And one year she gave me a anniversary card. No, it's a birthday card. And it's a happy anniversary.

No, it didn't. But it's but it showed a birthday cake. And it showed this beautiful blonde. And it said, This is your cake. And this is Edith.

And inside it said, you can't have your cake and Edith too. Okay, that's a fun way to get the point across. What was your old hedge regarding time with your family? You touched on it, you gave us that and we've all got hopefully, some hedges in that direction.

But why is that important to create a hedge around family? You know, I provide I work hard, Jerry, I'm doing everything I can do. Can I not get a little grace here if I get home at seven o'clock?

Yeah. And you hear that a lot, especially from husbands, they'll talk about, and I'm working 12 hours a day at least. And I'm providing for the family.

And, you know, we get one good vacation a year. And the time I do spend with the family is quality time. There's a lie from the pit because kids don't know the difference in quality and quantity time to them. Quality time is quantity. Right. Same thing.

Yeah. And I had this experience where I was writing stories for scripture press publications back in the 70s. This is before we had kids. We were newlyweds. And I was doing stories about five different guys, five different, totally disparate stories. But they were all about twice my age. And I said, Do you have any regrets at this stage in your life? And to a person, they all had the same regret. They said, I wish I'd spent more time with my kids when they're growing up.

Yep. And I remember telling Diana, somebody's trying to tell me something. And if I have that same regret at that age, I'm going to be without excuse.

And so we we set that policy even before Dallas is our eldest, even before he was born. I decided I'm not going to do any work or any writing the time they get home from, I get home from work till the time they go to bed. And it gave me uninterrupted hours with them, allowed Diana to do her thing after watching them all day. It became a great marital hedge, because she's so warmed by the relationship between dad and the boys. And there's nothing better a man can do for his wife and to love her kids.

Absolutely. I think that is something you got to figure out. And you know, if that means you got to talk to your employer, if you're working for somebody to say, Hey, can I make sure I get home by five? And, you know, hopefully they'll see the advantage of that a happy family is a happy life and a happy wife and happy career, I think, frankly, but it'd be good for more and more companies to recognize the importance of that they'll have better employees, frankly, if they're able to spend those evening hours together, etc.

Don't expect more than what they can give you at the job. I mean, you know, so that's something here focus I always felt strongly about, you know, people need to get home and get out of here at five. And occasionally, we have to work a little later to get some things done special projects, I get that. But let's make sure family is first. And hopefully I've communicated that well. You also encourage men to cultivate friendships that keep them accountable in this way.

I mean, the sexual stuff is obvious. We covered most of that last time. But what about this kind of buddy discussion? You know, yeah, I'm going to Minneapolis tomorrow. And then I got to eat, you know, we were kind of a badge of honor with how busy we are. It's good to have a friend to say, and how much time you're spending with your kids and your spouse, right? I don't know that we talk that way. Amongst guys, we tend to say, Yeah, I see your jack and ace and I'll give you do aces.

I'm going to Miami, Dallas and Fort Lauderdale tomorrow. How do we kind of back down and say, maybe that's not that good? Yeah, I think it's important to put that on the table with your accountability partner or partners, whoever that is, and say, ask me how much time I'm spending with my family. And when I start bragging about how busy I am, and how visible I am, and how important I am, bring me back down to earth. Now, it's so true. And I do you have conversations like that? Oh, yeah, there's a badge of busyness that so many of us where it's sort of like, well, you're busy, and I'm even more busy, as you said, I see you're busy, and I up your forebears.

And unfortunately, the family takes the toll. It reminds me of the time that Dana looked at me and she said, Could I just ask you to do one thing for us? I said, What's that? She said, pick up a hobby that involves us.

Because that's good. You're doing these long distance runs, you go away for four hours on a Saturday morning doing a long run. And I can't go with you. I'm at home with the kids do something with me. I mean, the golf thing, you know, you start, if you pick something up, I'd never really had a hobby. And start playing golf.

And I like I enjoyed it. I'm not that good at it. But I love walking the golf course. And so anyway, Jean whispered to me one time, you know, that probably be best if you don't do it on the weekend. Because your boys need you on the weekend. If you can do it during work, that's a great thing. Let's not do it on the weekend.

So your boys can spend time with you. That's a wise spouse, you bet. And you know, that accountability.

I didn't push back. I thought, No, you're right. I think that's right. So you have to have the wisdom to hear it and then to agree with it and embrace it rather than fight it. Yeah, wives can be very insightful. Jerry, the seventh bonus hedge, if we want to call it that we touched on it early in the last program, but this issue of fleeing pornography, let's recap that for those that are here today, and they weren't with us yesterday, the fleeing concept and the snare that pornography is. It's so pervasive and so common that it's sort of a folly to try to pretend you don't struggle with this. Even those people who are avoiding it and planning hedges need to admit to the people that love them and that care about them, that this could be a problem if they didn't control it. And it's so crucial because it creates chaos.

You've recommended some practical guidelines, I'm going to run through a couple of them, you can pick up on these install content filters, I think that's a really smart thing to do. Enlist an accountability partner. You know, that is only as good as you are honest.

And you can trick people. And I would just encourage you to be relatable, be honest with that person that is your accountability partner. Be real with them. I mean, that is the depth of intimacy emotionally that will help you.

If you're just tricking that person, then what benefit is it? If you're not going to be honest, don't have an accountability partner. Be honest about that.

Yeah, at least I agree with that. You talk about limiting screen time, avoid idle browsing, guarding your thoughts. This one, I think is most critical.

All the data supports this. Make prayer and scripture a daily habit. When we're living our faith well, these things are so much reduced in our in our friction of life. Yeah. And it's important.

You know, I even like little, you know, talisman if that doesn't sound too ethereal. When I'm having my quiet time every morning, behind me on the wall are two classic paintings of Jesus. This happens also be the TV room.

Now I know those pictures can't see anything, but they remind me that God is there too. And it affects what I watch on TV. Right.

Something comes on you. I'm going to check that. No, I'm not.

No, I'm not. Yeah. Yeah. I had a friend who traveled with an icon. He was Orthodox and he carried an icon that went with him so that in the hotel room he would be reminded Christ is here. And it enabled him just to say no to the TV altogether because he knew that was a road that would lead to temptation. You know, Jerry, you speak often about these are mine.

This is what I did. You put it in a very popular book. It sold many copies hedges, but you're very encouraging to say to couples create your own hedges. I mean, these are the things I use. I think there are some in there that are obvious and basic and should be part of everybody's hedge, but you also give that liberal idea of, you know, just create it for your own self. An additional thing that you've talked about is speaking about your story with your spouse and with your friends in front of your spouse.

Why is that important? Can we get bored of that or is it something to revisit regularly so that we're encouraged by it? One reason why I don't think it necessarily has to become boring is that the more you tell it, the more you find out what people respond to and you emphasize that the next time. Mine, really quickly, I was introduced to Diana on a blind date and, you know, she's tall, she's gorgeous, she's spiritual, she's wonderful. And after the blind date, the guy in the couple that introduced us said, so what'd you think? And I said, she's great. I said, I was kind of expecting lightning and thunder and, you know, I'm kind of a romantic and I, you know, she's fine.

And he goes, you're nuts. And so the next night we have another date, same, you know, four of us and that same conversation. The next night? Yeah. Okay.

Same thing. And so then in chatting with her, I mean, she lived in Indiana, I lived in Illinois. And so chatting with her, I said, we'll have to do this again sometime. And I was just being cordial. I was, I really wasn't, you know, looking forward to that or, you know, and so she sent me a note in the meantime and said, so you said we're going to do this again sometime.

So I did out of a sense of obligation. I'm like, well, I said, I would, I should, you know, but this time it'll just be the two of us. I go to her house. I knock on the door. She's coming from a back bedroom to the kitchen and she just smiles at me. She goes by and says, I got something on the stove.

Come on in. I was absolutely smitten. I was speechless. I literally couldn't speak. And one thing she liked about me was that I'm a talker and she's kind of an introvert. So I follow her into the kitchen and I can't talk.

She's like, how was the trip? And I'm like, and I, and you know, I'm, I was raised a fundamentalist and I'm an evangelical. I'm not from a tradition that has visions. I had a vision. I could see her.

She was chopping carrots. I think I could see her doing that in our house the rest of my life. And every time I see her doing that now, I say, this is my vision. She goes, I'll stop it.

But that's our story. And I remember driving back to Chicago that night and I had to tell somebody and I had a friend who worked at an all night gas station. I climbed up on a 55 gallon oil drum and rhapsodized about her for longer than I'd been with her. And I said, you're going to be in the wedding.

He goes, does she know about this wedding? And then I get off that oil drum and I realized I've been sitting in a quarter inch of motor oil the whole time. It's soaked down my pants and it really felt pretty good actually. But I mean, I was, I was gone. I remember getting home and peeking into my parents' room.

It was about six in the morning and my mother opens one eye and she says, you're in love. Yeah, totally. That's what it sounds like. And I still am 53 years later. I was going to say that.

That sounds funny, doesn't it? Well, I thought you were going to say you had me at, you know, I got something in the kitchen cooking or something like that, but that is a great love story. Let me, let me ask you to speak to the value of a strong marriage for your family legacy. Of course, your sons are doing some great work, all different things. And Dallas, you know, is doing his thing with film, but you know, a, you got to be proud of that, but speak to the legacy issue of living this life of hedges. Yeah.

Legacy is huge. And my, my father's father and his father were pastors. My father's father died when, when my father was only 14 months old, so he never knew him, but my parents had a great marriage. And I can remember at their 50th anniversary, somebody asked my father, what was the secret?

He said, well, I make all the big decisions. She makes all the small decisions and 50 years of marriage, no big decisions. Everything's a small decision, but they had a fantastic marriage. And I remember every time my dad came home from work, they embraced and kissed.

And, you know, you don't see that everywhere, you know, these days. And I wanted my kids to see our marriage, to hear that we don't raise our voices to each other. We don't agree on everything, but we talk it out and we love each other. Our two oldest boys are happily married. Our third son is still single, but all three graduated from Christian colleges and served the Lord. And you know, I think that legacy is all part of having a solid marriage where I honor my wedding vows.

And of course Diana does too. And we, we try to live that out in front of our kids. You know, Jerry, for that wife that maybe has even talked to her husband about these things and he has kind of shrugged it off, you know, it's fine. I manage myself really well in the work environment, even though I may have lunch with a colleague, all those things, but she's got that intuition that something is not the way it should be. This is more like a counseling question, obviously, but what advice would you give that wife who feels like we're not doing everything we should do as a couple to put hedges up? How does she go about talking about that again with her husband and getting some traction? Yeah, I think if she can be heard and you know, it's all about diplomacy, how you talk to somebody, it's the same thing of when you see somebody in your life who's not, you know, planning hedges, you say, you know, I love you, you know, I care about you.

But how do you justify this, what I saw? I think a wife can say that to her husband too and say, you know, and maybe even the book hedges say this is really for men. It's not for women, because I don't claim to speak for women. But these hedges or our hedges would be a gift of love to me. That's how Diana sees my hedges.

She said, you know, I see these as your gift of love to me. And so I know you're following him. And I count on you for that. That's a powerful way of looking at that, actually.

And a good reminder for us. Speak to the men then directly who have negated or kind of left this as not something to pay attention to. I'm managing it well. I'm not addicted to porn.

I'm not in the 68% that you talked about, Jim. You know, I'm doing fine. Yeah, but you know yourself, and you know what your weaknesses are. You maybe only need two hedges, maybe you only need one.

But what's your weakness? Hedges, you know, especially talking about your hedges makes you vulnerable. I just told people seven things I'm weak on, and I need hedges for.

So there it is. However many you need, do it. And don't kid yourself, it's especially to a man who's failed in this, or has gone over the edge. It's never too late or never wrong to do the right thing. You can start over and say, all right, from this day forward, as a gift of love to my wife, here are my hedges, whether it's one, two, three or seven, and make them public to your wife for sure.

Yeah, that's an outstanding, maybe we could post something like that on the website and people can see that as an example. You know, we men, we need a little bit of assistance on some of these things. Jerry, I think right at the end here, I really want to go back to put that emphasis on where we're at in the church today. I mean, as an example, Jean and I, I mean, she hates if we ever have to drive through Las Vegas, let alone go to Las Vegas for something. She's like, I never want to go to that town again. The billboards are horrible.

I certainly don't want to take my kids through that town. And that that's kind of where we're at in the culture. We've got to be offensive thinkers about being defensive spiritually, because this culture is just so full of saturation of sex and everything else. In the end, is it worth the effort to think through how to avoid those temptations? Well, it certainly has proven worth it to me. And I think, you know, when you talk about Vegas, there's a hedge for you.

Don't drive through Vegas, or if you do, put the blinders on, drive straight through and don't look. You know, people know what their weaknesses are and what they need to avoid. And when we see the lunacy that's coming out of the society today, people wonder what ever happened to the old fashioned leave it to Beaver and Father knows best. It's so amazing. It's treated like it's silliness.

Try it. Yeah, try having a solid marriage and family time and dinner time and talking to your kids and explaining these things and why you have hedges and see the wonderful benefits. That's a really good thing to do, especially if your kids are still in the home, obviously. And what a great parenting idea, especially if you're raising boys, to be able to communicate to them what's important, why you do these things in order to keep your relationship with your spouse, their mother, healthy and thriving.

Jerry, this has been so good, and we've covered it, and I hope people will pick up a copy of Hedges. You can do that directly through Focus on the Family when you do. We're not paying shareholders. All the proceeds go right back into ministry, either helping to save a marriage or save a baby's life or help parents do a better job parenting. That's what we're about here at Focus. So for a one-time gift or a monthly gift, which is how Gene and I support Focus, I know John, you and Dina do that the same way. Help us, and we'll send you a copy of this book, Hedges, as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. Yeah, donate generously as you can, either a monthly pledge or a one-time gift of any amount, and request Jerry's book, Hedges, Seven Ways to Love Your Wife and Protect Your Marriage.

And then, of course, we have so many other resources as well. Our number is 800-AFAMILY, 800-232-6459. Or you can find the book details in the show notes. And if your marriage is in a difficult place, please consider attending one of our Hope Restored marriage intensives. As a participating couple, you'll receive counseling and helpful tools to transform your marriage.

You can sign up for Hope Restored through the link in the show notes. Jerry's a parting thought and saying goodbye. Ephesians 5 says, he who loves his wife loves himself. How about that for a goodbye? And you've done that so well in Hedges and expressing why we husbands need to do what we need to do spiritually and practically to protect our marriages. Thanks for being with us. Oh, great to be with you, Jim and John.

Always great. And join us again next time for a conversation with Janelle Breitenstein, who takes a look at some life skills to nurture in your children. All the things that I wanted to do, pushing the obstacles out of my son's way, because I just wanted to stop the pain. But a lot of times when I want to stop the pain for my kids, it's that pain and that shaping that God is longing to do in their lives.

On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. God wants true disciples, ones that think like Him, talk like Him, walk like Him, disciples that bring Shalom to the chaos of this world. Pursue that path with the RVL Discipleship Series. Bible scholar Ray Vanderlon will give you the tools to understand the Bible more deeply and inspire you to be a passionate follower of Christ. Watch the first episode at rvldiscipleship.com