A Lighthearted Look at Wedded Bliss

You know, you've got to have your driver's license renewed every four years, but you don't have to have your marriage license renewed ever.

Well, that's an interesting perspective, something I hadn't heard before. Welcome to Focus on the Family with your host, Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, laughter is a great way for us to get over some of the discomforts of everyday life, and our guest John Branion will help us get some perspective on our own marriages as he takes a humorous look at his. You know, it's so easy to get tunnel vision and focus on the problems that you have with your spouse, and sometimes there really is value in taking a step back and just recognizing the fact that men and women are very different, and a lot of our conflicts stem from those gender differences. When we aired this program in 2016, it became one of our top 10 shows for the year, so I know you're really going to enjoy this lighthearted look at the marriage relationship and the true value of lasting love, illustrated by a poignant story John will share in just a few minutes. And the audio is from John Branion's comedy DVD called Wedlocked, and I'll explain the visuals here. John is at the Department of Motor Vehicles sitting next to a rather quiet stranger musing out loud about marriage, and you'll hear the other man respond once or twice.

Here now is John Branion on Focus on the Family. You know, I've been married for 21 years, same person, and I think that the secret to a long-term relationship is flexibility, adaptation. You've got to pretty much bend with the wind or it'll just knock you flat. Because it's always in a state of flux, it's always changing. I mean, after 21 years, she's not the same girl that I married. The relationship is a lot more intense. She asks me questions. Questions that I don't know the answers to, because they are questions that no man has ever known the answers to.

Deep, probing, impossible questions. What are you thinking? I'm a guy. I'm thinking nothing.

Zero zilch zip nada nothing. She's a girl. Girls cannot think nothing.

That never happens. When her mind is blank, there's still billions of calculations flying through it. Angles being considered, thoughts being processed and organized, colors being coordinated.

She's like a four gigahertz, 256 terabyte, file-serving computer. I'm like that little solar calculator that comes free with cigarettes. And I still spend time with other guys. You know, me and the guys go out. We talk. Never once have I ever said, hey, Al, what you thinking? Because I don't care. Plus, he's a guy. I know what he's thinking.

Nothing. She wants to borrow stuff from me that I never have, like tissue and Kleenex. Can I borrow a tissue? John, I need a tissue. Can I have a tissue, sweetie? No. Men don't carry Kleenex. To a guy carrying Kleenex and wearing long sleeves is redundant. I guess what I'm saying is I've never really been much of a fitter inner.

I've never been a belonger. In high school, it was that way growing up, all the way through high school. The car I drove in high school was a brown Chevy Vega. Two doors and three speeds. And that was a chick magnet.

Poor man's Pinto. So I had no girlfriends in high school. I had more sisters than the Catholic Church. And then a couple of years after graduation, this miracle, along came Lori, along came this girl, and she said, I love you.

I really love you. I should have been suspicious right there. I should have known I was in over my head and we started planning the wedding, planning the wedding. We had a wedding rehearsal. That's what she told me. You got to have a wedding rehearsal, John.

Like, why? Is it tricky? She goes, yes, it's tricky.

I don't mind. I don't mind rehearsing. I just wish we would have practiced something. There were so many things I needed practice on. There were so many things I didn't know how to do.

I still don't know how to do them. Consequently, 20 years later, I'm still, I could have used practice on a thousand things. I could have used practice dropping off to sleep at night with a pair of sub-zero feet in my back. You have frostbitten my kidneys. I could have used practice standing in the women's clothing department in front of the dressing room door, holding her purse, trying to hang onto a shred of masculine dignity and even getting used to each other, just occupying the same sleeping space at the same time.

That's what's difficult, getting used to each other's nuances. She's a morning person. She's a morning person.

The sun barely breaks over the horizon. She's hovering over the bed. You know what I would rather hear at six o'clock in the morning? Everyone on the ground, this is a stick up.

Because at least the stick up guys will let you lay down. The birds are singing. That is the only sound that they know how to make. You know what I think?

I think one bird gets up early and the noise outside the window is all the other birds going, shut up! Even climbing into bed together, occupying the same sleeping space takes... She's my wife. I love her.

But there are still times when I will climb into bed next to her, pull her over close, I can smell her perfume, start to kiss the back of her neck, blowing her ear. She looks over at me and says, what are you thinking? Gosh, I don't know. What are you thinking? She goes, I was just thinking that if we fold the dish towels smaller, they will fit more efficiently into the kitchen drawer. That is exactly what I was thinking. Let's go do it now.

Maybe while we're up I can spackle. And then into the relationship came the children. We had four babies, somehow.

Spackling accident. That changes everything. I learned so much. I learned that they separate pregnancy into three things called trimesters. And the reason they're called trimesters is because during that time the husband tries to mester up the strength to stay in a house with a pregnant woman. The first trimester, two cells come together, form a tiny human being. The second trimester, that tiny human being begins to grow.

And then the third trimester, the pregnant woman changes from a human being into a Tasmanian devil. So I come in the front door and she's... Hey, where's the cat? And it was at that moment in my life when I realized this is not the same girl that I married. This is not the same species that I married. After just a couple of years of marriage you start to see sides of each other that are kept hidden when you're dating.

When we dated she never devoured small domesticated mammals. I would have remembered that. At the same time there's parts. There's parts of becoming a new father that aren't completely terrifying, kind of heartwarming. Like when she was about six months along into the first pregnancy she developed this intense desire to learn everything she could about becoming a mother, carrying children, raising children, because it was our baby. It was my baby.

And she wanted to do it perfectly. This is your baby, John, living inside of me, sucking the life out of my organs like a parasite. Making me blow like a fish on the beach.

Doing back flips on my bladder all because of you. I love. So she went to the library. She got books on the subject.

She subscribed to magazines. So by the time the babies arrived we were perfect parents. She, because of months of loving maternal research, and me by default, because I had her to explain everything to me. All the stuff I had to know, like trading off feedings in the middle of the night, baby cry, and she'd nudge me, John, baby's crying. Do you hear that crying, baby? That is your baby. The book says that daddy should take a turn feeding for bonding.

So bond. So I would stumble down the hall into the kitchen looking for bottles, and then it would occur to me, hey, we're breastfeeding. This is going to hurt like a monkey. And in the midst of all of it, in the midst of unanswered questions and confusion of roles and kids flying around the planet, in the middle of all the chaos, I'm still expected to be romantic. I'm still expected to breathe new wind on the embers of romance.

She will appear from nowhere. Take me someplace. Take me someplace nice. Because we never go anywhere.

That's why. We just stay home all the time. And I don't want to stay home all the time. I want to go someplace with you. I want to go out somewhere with you. So take me someplace. Take me someplace nice.

All right. Where do you want to go? I don't want to tell you where to take me.

That would ruin everything. You have to think of someplace to go. So I got tickets to the tractor pull. That was wrong. We have so many friends whose cumber buns match the flowers, match the dresses, and they marched down the aisle. They took a vow, a vow, until death do us part. And then they parted.

And they weren't dead. I think love takes longer than that. It takes a lifetime. It takes a whole lifetime to learn what really annoys them.

So you can do it again and again and again. If you stick with it, eventually you'll zero in on the source of conflict. You'll figure out what it is that causes the two of you to fight. Lori and I did.

It's me. I remember the first fight that I caused. It was right after we got married.

And I wanted to go out with the guys, you know, just me and the guys like we used to for old times' sake. And she wanted me to stay there with her and cut the cake and throw the bouquet. And even now sometimes she'll get me backed into a corner, maneuvered, so I can't escape. And she'll say, John, listen, sweetie, I was just reading in Cosmo.

Cosmo, great. Bring it on. If you could start all over again, if you could wipe the slate clean, hey, look at me, this is important. If you could start all over again and wipe the slate clean, start afresh, would you get married again?

The speed with which you answer that question is as important as the answer itself. And the truth is, after 21 years, the answer to that question is yes. I would marry the exact same girl again. Because what I've learned over these years is that the two of us together are somehow better than the sum of the individual parts. And she is so many things I could never be. And I'm so many things that she doesn't want to be.

It's complimentary. We haven't mastered it. We're still learning, both of us. I'm learning that she's like a flower. Flower with infinite petals.

And each petal is a little more complex and a little more lovely than the petal that preceded it. And it's going to take a lifetime to examine every subtle nuance, every tiny little facet of her personality that makes her unique and special, different from all the rest and beautiful. I know her favorite color. I know how she looks in the morning. I know her shoe size. I know how she cooks. It's an ancient family recipe for microwave popcorn.

Family recipe is this side up. I know how she drives. Wow. She's got this motto. Well, we pay for insurance.

We might as well use it. She does stuff with insurance I could never do. She hit a deer. She once hit a deer that was already dead in the middle of it. Tore the running board off the car, knocked the wheels all out of alignment. She was so upset. I'm sorry, Johnny. Didn't hit him on purpose.

I didn't get mad. And I couldn't get mad because you know those deer crossing signs by the road? They always show the deer like this.

It never shows them like this. And late at night on long trips when I'm driving, she'll sit up front with me and she'll go, well, it's late at night on a long trip. You're probably pretty tired, aren't you? Because it's late at night on a long trip. So I'll just sit up front with you and keep you company, help you stay awake.

Five miles down the road, she's sound asleep. So this is what I do. Pull into the first rest park that I come to where the semis are idling with their lights on. Pull nose to nose with the semi.

Throw the car in neutral, hit the gas and go. But you know what happened after the wedding cake was eaten and the flowers wilted and all the thank yous have been sent out? After that, after the wedding, then real life settled in and real life. I mean, day to day life is hard and it's mundane and it doesn't feel the way it feels when you're dating.

Someday it doesn't feel like it's worth it. And every time those feelings come over me, I have these memories of my great grandparents. When we were little, we'd go over to their house, my brother and I, and great grandpa Frank would sit in a big overstuffed chair by the window. We'd stand right in front of him and he'd lean forward in that chair and talk with his hands and tell us all the stuff that little boys are supposed to know. You know, he taught us how to build a tree house up in the branches so the floor wouldn't sag, roof wouldn't leak.

He taught us how to sit on the handlebars of our bikes and ride them backwards downhill with groceries. And all afternoon in the rocking chair right next to him was my great grandmother, Mamie, and she would laugh at the same jokes that she'd heard him tell a billion times before. In the middle of the story, he'd look over, pat her on the knee, wink at her, jump right back in and never miss a beat. And as years went by, we started to notice that Mamie was having trouble remembering things like the names of the neighbors that lived right next door. So my great grandfather's job became to just be with Mamie constantly and make sure she didn't forget something important like unplugging an iron or shutting off the stove, but she got worse. And pretty soon she was more than he could handle all by himself. He was too old, so they had to move out of their house and into a nursing home.

And I remember the time that we went to visit the nursing home, dinner time. Great-grandpa Frank sat across the table from Mamie. His plate sat over to the side, got cold, while he took one spoonful at a time from her plate, fed it to her. And he'd smile at her. He'd wink, take a napkin, wipe her chin. Mamie couldn't use the toilet by herself. So every time she had to go, he'd take her in and help her with all of those responsibilities every single time. And during all of those years when he was doing that, we never heard him complain.

He never once snapped and said, you know what? I'm an old man, and I've had a long, tough life too. And now I can't even blink with Mamie around because if I do, she may wander off or she'll fall and hurt herself. And I have to feed her. I have to bathe her.

I have to take her to the toilet. He never complained. Then there was a day that my brother and I went to visit, nursing home. Great-grandpa Frank sat in his big overstuffed chair. He looked up at the two of us and said, you know, boys? And there was a tear right here. He said, Mamie, Mamie doesn't know who I am anymore. And that was the first complaint that I ever heard him speak about his little bride.

It didn't seem to bother him to have to feed her and bathe her and take her to the restroom. What broke his heart was when all of those times were over. The two of them were married for 70 years, 70 anniversaries with the same person. And I am positive that after all of those decades, she was not the same girl that he married. She didn't look the same.

They didn't do the things they used to do when they were young and strong. She couldn't even remember who he was. But there's no doubt that my grandfather was still crazy in love with her because love is not what you feel. Love is what you do. What a touching way to end this lighthearted look at marriage on today's Focus on the Family with Jim Daly featuring Jon Brannion.

Wow, Jon, I love his last line there. Love is not what you feel. Love is what you do. In fact, the Bible puts it this way. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

And that's from the New Testament in 1 Corinthians 13, 7 and 8. And what a wonderful example great-grandpa Frank is to all of us to love his wife, to care for her, even when she couldn't recognize his face anymore. That's true love. And you know, caring for a chronically ill spouse is a very difficult process.

I have a number of friends in that space right now. And if you're in that situation or if you have other stressors in your marriage, please give us a call. We have Caring Christian Counselors available to spend some time with you on the phone and perhaps give you a referral to a like-minded counselor in your area.

It's a free service that we're happy to provide thanks to donors just like you. And if you feel like your marriage needs an intervention, let me strongly recommend I think the greatest marriage intervention that's happening in our country today. It's called Hope Restored.

It's a four-day intensive program. Hope Restored helps couples break free from cycles of pain in their marriage and thrive in ways that used to seem impossible. And 99% of couples who attend say that they would recommend Hope Restored to a friend. That is an incredible number and quite a compliment. Best of all, when we follow up with these couples two years later, four out of five, 80% are still married and report that they're doing well.

And that's an incredible number. Yeah, we've seen a lot of marriages saved thanks to Hope Restored. So if you've been giving to focus on the family, let me say thank you for making it possible for us to provide these resources for desperately hurting marriages. Over the past year, our research shows that we have helped together over 700,000 couples build stronger marriages or resolve a major marital conflict. And that's thanks to you, our extended family, the donors, both large and small.

That doesn't matter. It is our cumulative effort that counts. Finally, we want to give a gift back to you through a free audio bundle of four comedy presentations. It includes this broadcast from Jon Brannion, plus uplifting messages from Ken Kington, Jeremy Nunez and Shonda Pierce. Download the comedy collection when you visit us online today.

Yeah, it's got two full hours of family friendly comedy and the link is in the show notes or call for details. 800 the letter A and the word family. Next time, Chuck and Anne Bentley explain how they were able to overcome their extreme financial differences. Well, she's the classic saver and I'm the classic spender. I'm the big spender in the family. I like to spend money. I have big dreams, big goals, big ideas.

If it's got four wheel drive, camouflage or any of those kinds of things, then I would want to buy it. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Take a moment, please, and leave a rating in your podcast app and share this episode with a friend, won't you? You know somebody that can use a good laugh. I'm Jon Fuller inviting you back next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. See you next time.