Restoring Hope to Your Marriage

God would say, Just love him. Just love him. Just be kind. Make him some cookies. Take him some to work.

Have him over for a good meal. Things like that of just sowing love. That's where I learned a new lesson about what God's love really is. It isn't just loving your neighbor. I thought I could do that pretty good, but I had to learn to really love my husband in a new way. That's Opal Erikson, and she joins us today on Focus on the Family, along with her husband, Ron, and you're going to appreciate their story.

I'm John Fuller, and your host is Focus on the Family president and author, Jim Daly. You know, John, here at Focus on the Family, we love stories of hope. I mean, that's what it's all about, redemption. And the Christian life is that story where people are struggling. They don't know their purpose.

They don't know what's happening, why things are going wrong. They encounter Christ through a friend, through a church, through whatever means, and their life begins to make more sense. And they begin, hopefully, to change. And that's the key, that sanctification process. Romans 5 tells us, We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who's been given to us. Man, I love that.

I mean, that is power-packed. And it sums up the story we're going to hear today. Yeah, Ron and Opal Erikson have walked through the fires of that kind of suffering you described.

There's been moments of failed marriage, rejection, adultery, but God has done a remarkable work. And we are so pleased to share that with our listeners today. Ron is an accomplished steel guitarist, and Opal sings, and they call themselves musicianaries as they minister to seniors across the country. They've been singing together for over 40 years. Now they happen to be a host couple for our Hope Restored marriage intensives, and that, of course, Jim, is for couples on the brink of separation or divorce.

I'm so excited about that program, and you get to see it right up close. We do. And we so appreciate that.

But couples who are on the brink of divorce, many of them, and this is their last hope. And we have an 81% post two-year success rate. We just re-verified the data, and I'm pleased with that. That is a great success rate. And I want to say to Ron and Opal, welcome to Focus on the Family.

Thank you. Take us through that early part of marriage, first 19 years. You're sailing along, it sounds like. Were there difficulties? Were you experiencing kind of that flesh, the anger and other things that some marriages face? Well, I found out early on that neither one of us were quite what we expected, because we got married within 90 days of meeting. And I think that's probably true with most couples. We really don't know each other until we're married. You might court three or four years and not know each other really well, too. But that was one of the cracks in your relationship, it sounds like.

Well, it was, and I thought that perhaps she has a commercial voice, and she's an excellent singer and performer. And I always had dreams and aspirations of being a musician and full-time entertainment. And when opportunities would come along in our life for that to happen, she declined. And that hurt me, and it hurt my expectations and aspirations for career with both of us. But I found out later in life that was not God's plan.

That was my plan. And that caused bitterness and resentment to come into my life, because there were unmet expectations, not only in that arena, but in other areas of life, as we all have. But I didn't feel comfortable confronting those. I thought, well, I'm just wrong, and I can't force my aspirations on her. Yeah. Opal, how are you feeling about that? You're feeling a bit of tension there and disappointment?

At times, yes. Actually, the opportunities that came our way, you know, one probably would have taken us to Nashville. That was with us being kind of a country, Southern gospel background. But I just couldn't do that, because I could not see myself playing in bars. That just was not appealing to me whatsoever.

Right. And so that was a turn-down. Then there was a couple of other opportunities that I just wasn't ready to take a baby on the road for something like, you know, to be traveling all the time.

So you're the prudent one, the wise one, saying this isn't really the future for us. And I just didn't feel like that was what the Lord wanted in our marriage, our life at that time. So the years go by, and you're doing marriage, you're doing parenting, you're making a living. Eventually, you sought out counseling. What prompted that? What situation were you in?

What was the environment like? We had lived our life serving God, and we raised our two daughters in the church, and we're active with the youth groups. And I played music in the church, and we sang with the praise and worship team. We did all the right things, and we were very sincere about it.

But still, there was an underlying tension that hadn't been addressed. And we went to counseling with, actually with Gary Smalley, after I moved out of the house. This was in 1998.

Right. And I had moved out, and I got involved with an employee of ours. And it seemed on the surface that she understood me and could meet my needs, and I was able to be a father figure or a mentor to her and help her.

It was crazy, but it's all a life of deception. And we went to visit with Gary Smalley, and the first visit that we had with him, I had to stop seeing the other person, of course. That was what he said.

Right. And I wasn't willing to do that. I didn't want to go back to where I was in the relationship with my wife. I wanted to seek a divorce, but I knew that I had no spiritual grounds for it. She had done nothing that would allow me to seek a divorce that God would approve of. Ron, let me ask you this. Honestly, now you're past that.

This many years ago in Opal, we're going to get to you and get your perspective on this, because women right now are screaming at the radio. Why did you stay with him? Hang on, everybody, because God's heart is big enough to absorb our sins. But Ron, I do want to ask you, was it selfishness? Was it pride? When you look back at the sins that we commit in our own flesh that works against God's best for us, now that you have retrospective, what do you think was working in your heart? Why the deception?

Why the fog? Is it wrapped in pride or selfishness? It was about me. I wanted my needs met. I wanted myself to be happy. Again, you're speaking to some spouse that is going, that's my husband, that's my wife, or that's me.

That's right. I think pride has a lot to do with it. And having your own needs met, it's a greed kind of thing. I wasn't too concerned about meeting her needs. I didn't feel like she had any. I thought I met all of the needs in her life, but she wasn't meeting mine.

And it was more than just the career opportunities, but that can be anything in anybody's life. Right. It's that me monster thing. It is. Yeah.

Opal, tell us what you're feeling, what you're going through. And these things are not instantaneous. These situations often take months, years to develop. So it's not probably a surprise to you what Ron was going through, but describe where you were at. Well, things had gone quite well for us until right about, I think Ron, we had turned 35, 36 years old and he went through a midlife crisis at that point. And so that was the beginning of a troublesome time. And then things kind of worked out and smooth it out from that. But then in 1997, when this really kind of blew up again, it was a replay of that midlife crisis thing. And I remember reading in a book that if they aren't completely healed from an initial midlife crisis, then it will tend to happen again. And that's what I felt really did happen. And so he just kind of lost his way and he just was, he was just an unhappy person. But early on, I knew that things were troubled and I was just seeking God. What's wrong? He shut down at this point.

He wouldn't really communicate with me at all. Is that how it was in the midlife crisis season as well? Yeah. Just to shut down and distance, distance.

Yes. And so I just really spent time with the Lord, praying, fasting and seeking him and his will and revelation of what's going on here. And so anyway, God did reveal to me the affair and that was a shocker. And then like Ron said, he had moved out and I, I just, it's like, Lord, you've just, you know, you've got to help me with this because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do.

I was scared to death and hated what was happening. But early in that first month, within that first month that he moved out, God spoke so plainly to my heart and said, stand and believe for your marriage. Stand and believe. Stand and believe.

Good words. And just a discovery mode of what was happening with him. The Lord had me go to Hosea and to the prodigal story and to really read that again. And to walk it.

And to walk it. And it was, okay, Lord, all I'm hearing right now is love him, but let him go. I was like, what does that really mean, Lord? Well, then a few months later, the let go happened because he left, moved out. And though he had moved out, we still owned our own business together. So we worked together every day. Oh my goodness.

So it was like he left me every evening again. But God said to stand and the scripture he gave me was Hebrews 10, 35 and 36. It says, cast not away thy confidence, for it has great reward, for you have need of endurance.

But after you have done the will of God, you shall receive the promise. And that was a word to my heart. And I believe, Opal, that's a word to a lot of hearts right now on this Focus on the Family broadcast. If you're in a tough bind, if your marriage is struggling, we've mentioned Hope Restored. Call us and let us tell you about Hope Restored and how you might find the encouragement you need to take one more step.

Our number here at Focus on the Family is 800-232-6459. Opal, I need to ask you though, to help the person who's listening again, the husband or the wife that maybe their spouse has been unfaithful, whatever it might have been. When you say Hebrews 10 there, and you're giving us that scripture, when you've done everything that God has asked you to do, in essence, describe what that is, because how did you A, know what it was that God wanted you to do? And then B, how did you do that with a heart of kindness when it's easy for our flesh to rear up and say, I have every right to walk out of this. Even God gives me the right to walk out of this right now. His heart is not for that.

But he said, in this kind of situation, this is the one instance where I can leave you. And God will support me in that. How did you fight that temptation? How did you know what was the right will of God to do? Well, I had seen what divorce had done in my family. And my heart was, I didn't ever want to go down that path, because I believe God's Word says that God hates divorce.

This is what I love about that. He doesn't hate divorced people, but he hates what divorce does to people. Why is that, do you think, from a spiritual standpoint? I think it's because it separates the divine nature of God in us as male and female and marriage as the model of what God intended for us to be complete. And so it shatters that.

It does. And it grieves his heart. And it has such a ripple effect, like an earthquake. And it just goes on through generations.

And to, you know, to family, to friends, and it affects so many people. So my heart was to just stay true to God and just trust him with the word that he had given me. I have to tell you, it was not easy. And I could not. In fact, my brother-in-law said to me later, after we'd gotten back together, he said, Opal, I could have never done what you did. And I said, You know what? I could have never done what I did, except through the grace of God. But there would be days when I wanted to go bash out his windshields and slit his tires. And, I mean, you know, really flesh was there. And those were the easy thoughts.

Yes, they were. But then God would say, Just love him. Just love him. Just be kind. Make him some cookies. Take him some to work.

Have him over for a good meal. Things like that, of just sowing love. That's where I learned a new lesson about what God's love really is.

It isn't just loving your neighbor. I thought I could do that pretty good. But I had to learn to really love my husband in a new way. With no expectations. Not expecting anything, because I was getting nothing. Yeah.

Well, and by all human signs, your prayers were not being answered as Ron pursued divorce, right? It was 18 months. A year and a half. A year of patience. And you're trying to get away.

Yeah. So what was that moment? When, Ron, did you say, Okay, I'm hearing God's voice in my own heart.

I mean, Opal's hearing the Lord in her heart. I mean, baking cookies for you was no easy matter. And so what started that process for you to say, I am the man. Can I just say that I think I want to interrupt there just a little bit, because I think it's what God did in me that generated what happened with him.

That's often how it is. Yes, because, you know, I was hearing all these voices that you mentioned before, you know, get rid of the bomb, just just get rid of him and go on with your life. And, you know, it's okay with God and just do that. But that wasn't what my heart was. And so, I didn't listen to those voices.

But after 13 months, Ron filed for divorce, and he started going downhill, even worse from there. I saw him literally destroying himself, just almost like dying before my eyes. And so I just was in prayer again, Lord, what do I do? And he spoke this word into my heart, exile. And I said, Lord, what are you really saying to me, what are you really saying to me through that?

So I went to the dictionary, and I looked it up, and it says, removing one's self from their own homeland, or country, by force or by their own will. And I said, Lord, are you telling me that it's time for me to leave here to get out of Dodge, get out of Branson? And I said, if so, I need to know, I need to have a real strong confirmation. That night, on TV, there was an evangelist preaching, never had heard before.

And he spoke on exile, had never heard a message before or since on exile. And I said, Okay, God, I get it. So we were in the process of selling a home, we got that taken care of. And I left and went, didn't move, but we closed on the house and all that. And I left Ron, and I told him, I said, left work, you know, walked away from the job. And I said, I have to go and get well. I said, I am a mental and physical, emotional wreck. And I said, I don't want to hear from you, outside of a death in the family, because I needed to just get that out of my mind, and just go get well. And so I went to South Carolina to stay with my sister to do just that.

Yeah. And it was there where I really met my Gethsemane. When you look down, I met my Gethsemane. When you look back on that, that tenderness from the Lord, really, I mean, so many people say, you know, I've never had that experience. But it often happens that way where you get a word, and it may be just a word exile.

And then boom, the Lord fills in the blanks through those around you. Do you think you would have successfully and what I mean by that is emotionally in a healthy way, come back together if you didn't have that time at your sisters? I have my doubts. I'm not sure about that. That could have been the final nail of separation, really, what I'm hearing.

Yes. But it was a way to actually begin reconciliation. Because when when I left, I, where I met with, you know, my Gethsemane was, Lord, if it could be your will, let this cup of divorce pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but your will be done. That's a powerful prayer. So I became willing to accept, because I knew that he has his own free will, and that God would not violate his will. He had to come to God by his choice.

Ron, okay, so she's now moving to the east with her sister to get some space between you. How's God dealing with your heart? Well, the God's Word says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And he stole my soul. My mind, my will, and my emotions were depleted. And I had lost everything in every arena of life after 18 months. I wasn't financially destitute, but I was, I lost our business that we'd started together.

We birthed that. We sold the business. We sold our home. My relationship with our children was dwindling. It was spiraling down. I had lost my ability to reason. So I got to the point where I realized that I was really out of control of my own life.

I had no control over any arena of my life. And Ron, I just want to interject that you also, the relationship with the other person was really deteriorating at that time too. So she was kind of removing herself from him and I, God had me remove myself so that he could concentrate on, that God could concentrate on him. Yeah.

Now, and this all happened before Hope Restored was even birthed. It wasn't even here. And I was seeing a counselor at that time, definitely I was.

Part of your healing process. So I was alone. I had bought a new fifth wheel travel trailer so I could have some equity out of the marriage. Get that fifth wheel.

Right. And I wasn't going to pay rent. So I just owned my own little place.

And I'm at a campground in Branson, Missouri, where we lived. And I got on my knees before God and I said, God, I'm out of control. And I knew the only way I could survive was to give God control of my life and mean it. And I didn't know what that really meant at the time. I said, God, I'm out of control and I need you to take control because I still need to survive.

And what happened? After I prayed that prayer, he spoke to my heart and said, so you've given me control. I said, yes, Lord. And he says, you haven't. I said, well, what do you mean? I prayed and I gave you control. He said, you're sitting here at this moment trying to figure out the next step in restoring your marriage.

I'm like, well, duh. God does. If you're in control, that's what I have to do. Right. He said, wrong. He said, if I'm in control, I will restore your marriage.

You can't do it. But in that context, then what were the steps you felt the Lord saying, this is what you do. This is what I'll do, but this is what you got to do.

So God had to meet me at the very bottom at the simplest level. And he said, go to bed, get some rest for your body. When you awaken in the morning, go back to your office.

We'd sold our business, but we hadn't closed on the deal. So we were still running the business. He said, just know this, that whenever the telephone rings, whoever's on the other end of that conversation, I'm in control of your life.

Wow. If you go to Walmart, whatever checkout line you get in, whatever parking space you have, I'm orchestrating your life. I'm in control. I'm calling the shots. I said, God, I can deal with that.

Thank you. And it wasn't long after that until Opal came back to Missouri. She moved in with me and God started the restoration process in our life.

Opal, did you see a change in Ron? Were you, was it palpable? Was it something you could understand?

I just need to tell you one quick story on that, because he had honored my request of no contact with me to help me, you know, allow me to get well. And I was gaining on that. And I had gone to a Christian bookstore to look for a book for a friend of mine to send to her. And when I walked into the bookstore, displayed on a rack, and the entire rack was full of one book.

I'd never seen that before. But anyway, it was holding on to heaven while your husband goes through hell. And I was like, Oh, my goodness. So I picked that book up, and I started to read a little bit. It's like the Lord didn't want you to miss this. I'm gonna put a thousand books in front of you.

This is for me. So I bought the book and left. I don't know what I was supposed to get for the friend, but I didn't get it. But anyway, I had been praying that God would let me know that God was working on Ron.

See, I hadn't talked to anybody, no family, nobody. And so when I got back home that day, my sister said, Opal, she said, your father in law called today. And I said, Really? And she said, Yes. She said, and he left you a message. And he said, to tell you that all he's hearing from Ron is that he wants his Opal back.

I was like, Wow. So that was my first clue that God was indeed doing something. So it was just another week or two, maybe I don't remember. But after that, that Ron called me, and he told me about, you know, having this experience. And, and so I could hear some changes and, and a little bit of hope.

And so it just kind of started to grow from there, we start spending some time on the telephone and, and my plan was to go back and just gradually try to put this thing back together. But that wasn't what God did. So he put it on the fast track.

He did. And how many years ago was that now? I mean, for the skeptic listening, how long has it been since 99?

18 years? Yeah, I mean, so you guys have lived it. You guys are through the mess.

We've got to end with the advice for others. What is the hope? What do people that are struggling have to take away from our discussion today to say, Okay, if Ron and Opal can do that, we can do this? Well, we made a decision that we wanted to really seek God for what was to take place next in our life. Because here we are, we're living in a fifth wheel, you know, in a new truck. And we were homeless and jobless. Yeah, we had no home, we had no business we had, you know, we were free.

So what do you want with out of our lives? So we prayed that God would give us divine appointments. And boy did he. And I want to inject this for all the parents and grandparents and siblings and friends that are praying.

It was 18 months, but my dad kept coming by my office every day. And he would say, I'll be so glad when God restores your marriage. And I thought, you crazy old man ain't gonna happen.

I'm in control. And you can pray all you want. But it's not gonna happen. Well, guess what?

It happened. God restored it because his forgiveness is overwhelming. His grace is sufficient.

And his mercies are new every day. Well, there's no better place to end this episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. You've been listening to Ron and Opal Erickson, some good friends of Focus on the Family and one of our host couples at Hope Restored. And what an inspiring story of hope and healing that they have. We recently contacted Ron and Opal to check in with them. They currently have six grandchildren and one great grandchild.

Isn't that wonderful? That's what it's about. Their music ministry has tapered off a bit, but they still serve at Hope Restored. And here's what I want you to take away from their story. There is hope in Christ for your marriage. God can work a miracle in your relationship.

That's what Ron and Opal represent. And this is why Focus on the Family exists. We want to give you the answers you need to any family situation. With close to 50 years of experience, I do have confidence that we can help. If you want to know more about our Hope Restored marriage intensives, give us a call. We have strategic locations across the U.S. Let us help you find that hope in your marriage and in each other again. And if you're not quite to that point but you still would like some marriage help, we have a free audio collection for you. You can sign up at our website and Jon will give all those details.

Yeah, let me do that. This collection is called Restoring Hope to Your Marriage, and these shows are going to do just that. They're going to offer encouragement to you. You're going to hear other amazing stories of God's redemptive hand in marriages, and there's practical help along the way. So sign up for this free audio collection called Restoring Hope to Your Marriage.

We've got the details in the show notes. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm Jon Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. God wants true disciples, ones that think like him, talk like him, walk like him, disciples that bring shalom to the chaos of this world. Pursue that path with the RVL Discipleship series. Bible scholar Ray Vanderlaan will give you the tools to understand the Bible more deeply and inspire you to be a passionate follower of Christ. Watch the first episode at rvldiscipleship.com