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Creating Spiritual Habits in your Family

Focus on the Family / Jim Daly
The Truth Network Radio
August 2, 2024 2:00 am

Creating Spiritual Habits in your Family

Focus on the Family / Jim Daly

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August 2, 2024 2:00 am

Justin Earley, a dad of four boys, shares practical ideas for parents, helping you to build good spiritual habits in your families and raise children with a strong faith in Christ. In the midst of chaos in his own busy family, Justin saw the need to make changes in his parenting to form good habits – from waking in the morning to mealtimes to bedtime routines at night. He offers advice on screentime and emphasizes regular Bible reading and prayer time in the home.

 

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Words are really important. You know, what we say and what we teach and what we read are really important, but there is this vast realm that we would call our presence. What does it feel like to live with you?

That's Justin Early. He's our guest on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and he's going to help us as parents to instill grace-filled habits into our everyday lives with our kids. Stay with us. This will be an insightful conversation. Your host is Focus President Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, it is so evident today that the culture is one of non-stop hurry. I mean, I'm feeling it today. I am too. We just had guests at the house for a week.

Let me say that again. We had guests at the house for a week, and I got to fly off on a trip tonight, and you know, it's just go, go, go. And the question is, how do we do it well? Thankfully, my kids are older now, right?

One out of the house, one about out of the house. So we don't have that pressure, but you know, when you're having that kind of pace with younger children in the home, now it becomes a real issue about managing all these things. And it's crucial that we develop healthy spiritual habits in our families.

I'm going to tell you what. You know, Jean and I have done a lot of work in the foster area, and if I could be honest, it's mostly Jean. We've had probably 15 kids through our house and engaged some of those families, obviously, and there's a lot of chaos in those areas.

Foster care, I mean, the reason the kids are in foster care usually is some kind of breakdown, and it gives you appreciation for what the Lord hopefully is able to achieve through your serenity in Him, peace in Him, and the difference that it makes. So I'm looking forward to the discussion today with Justin Early, our guest. Yeah, and even as you're speaking, Jim, I'm thinking, just back when I was raising younger kids, I would try to maintain order and to try to figure out what to do, just this morning on the way to work. Guess what? You're not going to maintain order.

No, no. Just this morning, Dina was thinking about this. She sent me a verse, and this brings to mind that psalm that says, cease striving, and just know that I'm God, and we don't do that very well. That's why I'm looking forward to our conversation with Justin Early, who has written a terrific book.

It's called Habits of the Household, Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms. It's a terrific resource. You can learn more about Justin and the book at our website.

We've got the link in the show notes. Justin, welcome to Focus on the Family. Thank you so much for having me here. It's an honor.

This is so great. I just want to say your dad, Mark Early, took over from Chuck Colson at Prison Fellowship, did a great job there in that transition, and tell him hi when you see him. I will do that. I will bring your greetings to him.

Yeah, that'd be great. Okay, so there was a moment. This is a wonderful book, Habits of the Household, and John mentioned that scripture, cease striving, and know that I am God. So there was this moment where you hit that face to face. It's a lot easier said than done.

What was that moment? You know, as soon as I had kids, I realized this is hard and this is chaotic, right? And this is kind of universal. And it's kind of, you know, some people get stressed out, young parents do. It's not always going to be zero to three in that pace and diaper change and all the dirty dishes and everything. But what I see is, in my life, once we aggregated a couple kids in that stage, and you have three kids, you know, under five, and I see a lot of parents doing the same thing. They lift their heads up and they say, what has happened?

What have we done? And this is my experience. So I'm putting my three boys down for bed one night, and there's, you know, bathwater on the floor. They're escaping from the bath. They're wrestling naked in their room because I can't catch them.

They're still soapy and wet. I mean, and this is normal, right? This is just, I experienced this last night with foster kids.

This is funny. This is normal is the point. I mean, it was just a wild, chaotic night. And I remember I just snapped into my, what I call the impotent dictator mode where I yell a lot, but it doesn't really change anything.

Right. And I finally wrestled them to bed, tell them I love them, God does too, and shut the door. And I just sit with the irony of that moment that, you know, I just spent the last 20 minutes sort of yelling and wrestling them. And then I'm like, God loves you and I do too.

And I'm thinking, what do they think love means? And I was really convicted at that evening because I thought this is my normal. My normal is this ongoing, I would even say liturgy of rush and anger that was defining the household. And that was the night that I thought, what if a different liturgy or what if a different set of habits came about? What if I treated this moment of chaos as one where I could lean into loving them and showing them the love of God instead of just yelling and wrestling them to bed? And that was a pivotal night for me. Let me ask you, Justin, because so many young parents, you know, parents with young children particularly, it's hard to get that moment to have that realization, that rationalization, that spiritual epiphany that I just shouted at the kids for an hour telling them to do this. And then I told them God loves them. That right there is quite an awakening.

I would call it exactly that. It was a moment of the Holy Spirit coming in and saying, your normal is not okay, but I have a new normal for you. And I just think that's really important to name because anybody listening to a conversation like this can feel a lot of guilt. And I just want to reframe that and say that's a lot of grace. When the Lord comes in and shows you that yesterday doesn't have to be like tomorrow, you can change. That is his grace coming in and saying it can be new again.

Yeah. And what's so powerful and what parents need to hear is it can be done. The Lord will give you the deep breath that you need to not be so switched on with anger or something like that.

This is just part of it. You just got to take a deep breath. Nothing's going to be perfect, but it can take some thinking and some prayer in that regard. Now, you mentioned the idea of bedtime liturgy. Now, people may not even realize liturgy for many people is you put on a robe and you strike incense and you're humming.

That's not what we're talking about. You're talking about a rhythm of life. And this was your pastor that made this suggestion.

What did he tell you? Yeah. So it's into that moment of grace came a moment of community, which I think is really important to name. I took that failure of that evening and I went and talked to my pastor and he suggested I try a bedtime liturgy, which is probably sounding as foreign to everybody else as it did to me in that moment. But it was just this idea of a bedtime routine shaped in spiritual practice, you know, prayer and a devotion. And I came back and wrote my first quote unquote bedtime liturgy and I'll tell you what I wrote.

Here's how it went. I had this list of questions I was going to ask the boys and I actually wrote it down on a sticky note. And it was going to be, can you see my eyes? They would say yes. Then I'd say, can you see that I see your eyes? They would say yes.

And I'd say, do you know that I love you? Yes. You know that I love you no matter what bad things you do? Yes. You know that I love you no matter what good things you do?

Yes. And then I'd end with, who else loves you like that? They would say, God does. And I'd say, you rest in that love. Really sweet, sentimental, little back and forth.

It sounds great. Then you had to live up to it. Oh my gosh. I could, the first time I did it with them, I couldn't remember what I was supposed to say. They took the eye thing as an invitation to poke me in the eye. You know, can you see my eyes? Yeah, they're right there.

They didn't get the answers right. I said, do you know that I love you no matter what bad things you do? And they thought about it for a second. No.

It doesn't seem like that. So it was a moment where what I realized was nothing's normal until it is. And as I had already written a book on habits as spiritual formations. So I knew a little bit about nothing is normal till it is.

And particularly in the family, you can make lots of things normal for better or worse. So we persevered. And the high point of this story for me was about two weeks later, we had practiced this a couple of times. And then I have a night just like the first one, bathwater on the floor.

Everybody's misbehaving, including me. But my youngest son got into bed and said, can we have our bedtime blessing now? Wow. And we had this little exchange about the love of God for us, me and them, that he loves us no matter what. That message of grace that he loves us no matter the good things or the bad things and that we can rest in that love. And I remember closing the door that night and thinking, wow, the circumstances of the evening were all the same. But I was really different. Yeah, because this habit, this new routine meant that I was now focusing on this meaningful moment with them instead of on just managing the chaos and getting out of it. And it really that was the moment where I realized, OK, a parenting habit can take ordinary moments and open up new pathways of grace where you respond differently to the chaos, because there's always going to be chaos. And so often the key is remembering how to express these things. You know, when you talk to a negotiator, a hostage negotiator, they're so skilled at bringing down the temperature. A counselor can do that.

They're very good at it. You know, when you talk to your spouse, say this, honey, I really didn't intend to do that. I know I hurt your feelings, but I didn't mean to. Will you forgive me? Now, that sounds great. Everybody's going, ah, we just don't practice it.

We say, hey, I said I was sorry. Isn't that enough? Actually, no, that's not enough. So so much of it is how we deliver it. And for your kids to see that change in you, that's gold. I really like your point there, because I think it gets at something really important with habits of the household. And that is that we don't parent by words alone. Words are really important. You know, what we say and what we teach and what we read are really important.

But there is this vast realm that we would call our presence. What does it feel like to live with you? And what does your face look like when you correct them? What is your what is the body temperature? What is the mood? And I think for a parent to learn how those bodily skills of a negotiator to bring the temperature down and remain a gentle, non anxious presence as you deliver the words is an enormous part of your children's spiritual formation. And that's really what I want parents to focus on.

What does it feel like to live in your house? And how can you make it a place that feels like a place of grace and the gospel? Good stuff today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Our guest is Justin Early. And we're talking about some of the concepts he describes in his book Habits of the Household, practicing the story of God in everyday family rhythms. It's a terrific resource. We have it here at the ministry.

Stop by the show notes for all the details. Justin, how is eating more than just a physical activity for nourishment? Oh, my goodness. It sounds like that's what it's about is nourishment. You know, the modern knee jerk reaction is that food is either fuel or fashion. It's like you do it because you have to. It's like gasoline. Just put anything in your body.

You need energy or it's, you know, we're taking Instagram pictures and showing off our life. But one of the things I like to draw Christians' attention to is that food is the one of the way that God shapes us in community and his generosity towards us. Throughout the Bible, food is a place where God meets us and we meet the world. The table. The table, right? You come to the table. Power of the table. So much more is happening at the table than we think.

And so one of my recommendations to parents is to say, lean into that spiritual reality and meet your family at the table regularly, because so much is going to happen between you and your children at the table. So true, especially Cocoa Krispies. You guys don't eat those anymore? It's fun to have kids around. I can't believe that. They're still hanging out in the pantry.

You mentioned company for a week, so you've got that. Cocoa Krispies. Sometimes I look back and I think it was amazing. The desserts for breakfast. Exactly. That has really changed the comfort food. Tell us about your tradition of lighting a candle during dinner.

That's another good one. Yeah, one of the ways we try to lean into this spiritual reality of eating and communing at the table is by marking the moment. So I have four boys, right?

And I think all kids, but particularly boys, they like fire. So, you know, one of the easy ways to say the bigger, the better, the bigger, the better. Something significant is happening right now is that we light a candle in the center of the table and we all just say Christ is light. Now, here's a really important thing that I want to caveat when I talk about family meals. We have this nice little routine, you know, lighting the candle, Christ is light.

Here's what it actually looks like. All the boys fighting over who gets to light the candle. And then who gets to blow it out. And then who gets to blow it out.

And then sometimes burning in the process. And I could talk about all our rhythms of family meals. You know, you have to say please pass this and you have to compliment instead of saying I don't like this. We share about our day. We, you know, we eat real food together, not just Cocoa Krispies.

But the reality is those are all nice aspirational things. Our dinners are so messy. You know, there's so much fighting.

There's so much complaining. And sometimes you would think, is this worth it? Like, here's Justin telling us we should have family dinners, but it looks more like a WWE wrestling match. I want to come join you at dinner.

This sounds fun. But what I, the reason I just admit that is because I want to say to parents, honestly, any sort of spiritual habit or routine in your household, with young children particularly, is going to be messy. And the whole point of this conversation is like the first story with bedtimes and bathwater is that the grace that God will bring to that moment is to help you be present and spiritually formative discipling your children amidst the mess. You know, it's such a hard discipline or hard habit in your lexicon to tamp down that initial reaction of correction of, wait a minute, there's something in this that responds with order. Like, wait a minute.

And some people have that default switch set quite high. You know, don't mess that up. Don't do that. Don't spill that. Don't, you know, you can fill it in. And you learn over time to kind of absorb some of that more fun chaos, you know, where it's okay.

It's not going to, it's just going to take a mop and a sponge. So it's not the end of the world. Right. And I think that's an important distinction there. There's just a natural chaos to parenting toddlers. There's lots of mops, lots of sponges, lots of spills. Especially in phases.

That's right. And when you can be a gracious, non-anxious presence in the middle of that, like one of our routines between my wife and I is, you know, every time there's a spill and there's so many dinners. We just say, that's okay.

Help clean it up. And lots of times that's between grit teeth. But it's different than saying, why are you spilling again?

What were you thinking? You know, reserve your authority for moments where discipline actually needs to take place. Where you need to say, okay, you just hit someone.

That's not quite a mess. That's where I need to bring my loving authority as a parent and say, there's something wrong here. And I think when we use up all our corrections and anger on things that don't deserve them, they can't tell the difference. You know, what's the difference between hitting my brother and spilling the milk? Dad is just always mad anyway. And I think it's part of your job, I think particularly for fathers to think about this, is to, you know, don't exasperate them.

Be gentle until they need to hear the loving authority of no, you stop, come here. Because then they'll hear it. Then they know the difference. And, you know, you need to think about that. Yeah, Justin, one of the difficulties, and Jean and I experienced this, and I'm sure most couples, you and Dina, I'm sure John experienced this. It's discerning a mountain from a mo-hill.

I mean, this is constant. And in fairness, I think Jean would say, yeah, there's not any mountain that you see. It's all mo-hills.

And I would say, yeah, there's not a mo-hill in your future. It's all mountains. And so even as the parenting, you know, we tend to marry people who are different from us. And in the parenting space, it can show up that way, that one doesn't see much of a mountain with behavioral issues. The other one sees nothing but mountains.

How do we negotiate that? How do we absorb the Spirit, the Lord's wisdom, to discern between the two and when it is a mountain and not a mo-hill? Oh, that's such an important question.

My best answer would be the way that the Lord has worked in my life in these moments is by encouraging me in the habit of pausing to pray before I go into a moment of discipline. That's really good. And I, you know, this is so simple in theory. Just you hear them fighting upstairs over the video game controllers on the way up the stairs. Say a prayer, you know, and this could be short.

Yeah. Or, you know, someone hit someone in the car. This happened just two weeks ago. And I thought, I'm going to talk to this kid. And then I thought, let me pray first. And what happens, I think, is, you know, prayer moves mountains. And sometimes it shows you this mountain is a molehill or this molehill is a mountain. And just inviting the Lord into that moment often changes the way that I approach it so significantly.

I ran up the stairs getting ready to just lay down the law. And then I realized, you know what? I also get mad when people take my stuff. Yeah, I also get frustrated.

I get a little more like them than not let me be gracious. Or I realize I'd really rather ignore this, but I need to lean in here. I need to talk to this kid about what he just did.

I need to have a good conversation with him. I need to realize this is not a molehill. And often that wisdom comes in that moment of prayer. And, you know, parenting is hard.

None of this is going to be easy. So why not pray more? Why not say, as a parent, I'm not going to enter a moment of discipline until I've paused to pray on the way.

However short. Just say, Lord, be in this moment with me. There's something you said I just want to hit because it's, you know, prayer moves mountains. But in our heart, those mountains can be emotions. So prayer can move emotions. And that's what your point is in the whole book. I think moving your own emotions from anger to patience is harder than moving that Colorado mountain out there. I totally agree. I mean, that is a miracle that God could come into your heart in a moment of discipline and say, be patient with this child.

And I think the other thing, the Father's patient with us. You know, you aim for that. You hit it once. You hit it twice. Ooh. And then you stumble.

But get back up and keep aiming for that patience in that example. You had a friend named Drew and he kind of changed your understanding of what hospitality means. What did Drew tell you?

Well, Drew, I'm so happy to give him a shout out. He's a wonderful friend. He recently got married, but for many years, in the past five or six years of knowing each other, he was single. And he came to me at one point and he said, you know, I don't have a family here in town. I don't have kids.

I don't have a wife. My dinner invitation is coming. He was like, can I be a part of your family for dinner? I thought, sure. That sounds great. You know, invite him into the rhythm. But the practical reality of that was, you know, our dinners are messy. You know, the WWE wrestling match, like I said. We can't clean up every time. And I just was sort of like, that sounds great.

I'll get back with you. A couple months go by and he's like, hey, I was sort of serious about that. Like, I don't have any sort of family rhythm. Can I join you all sometimes?

And I said, OK, let's try it. So every Thursday for a stretch of years, we said, Drew, Uncle Drew, just show up for dinner. And that was such a formative time for me because he just started coming into our family mess. And he really taught me that hospitality is not entertainment. You know, hospitality is opening the messy home to your neighbor, to the single person, to the stranger, to the hungry person, to the poor. It's just anybody saying join this economy of love, however messy it will be. And there is actually great research out there about one of the things that makes children's faith more sticky is having deep relationships with believers outside of the family.

Sometimes it's his grandparents, sometimes it's the church members. But we do an incredible thing when we invite the world in. And so one of our stated goals is just to have the extra chair at the dinner table. And Drew really taught us this to say that anybody can come into the mess and join this economy of love. And it's good for us and it's good for them. This is where the family meets the world and the extra chair.

It's so true, but that's pressure, too. So your wife, Lauren, I'm assuming before you said, Drew, yeah, let's do Thursday nights, you did talk to Lauren. We did talk to Lauren.

I didn't get that part of the conversation. This is credit to Lauren and Drew because Lauren said, OK, but it's going to be messy. She didn't say, I'm going to take on the pressure to make this pretty. She said, OK, just know it's going to be messy. And I think that's a really hard move, particularly for wives and mothers, but really for anybody to say, OK, hospitality is not trying to impress somebody.

It's just saying join the economy of love. And she really did well with that. And I'll also give credit to Drew. He always brought something for dinner. He always stayed to clean up. And I think, you know, realizing that you're coming into the rhythm of a family, that's a lot of cleaning. It's a lot of chores. But to do it naturally is the key because you can begin to kind of beautify the edges to where it's not normal. Yes, this isn't normal.

And that would not be good where you're kind of putting the false foot forward. And, you know, kids, when Drew comes over, you behave yourself. Uncle Drew really don't want any of that nonsense. Speaking of Lauren, she kind of threw, I think, a little bit of a shock through the family with the boys with screen time. Now, this may be the number one parenting issue that we face here at Focus on the Family. And probably in the culture is parents just, you know, they're so troubled by screen time.

It's so powerful and so alluring and so addicting in some cases that it's hard to fight as a parent. So what did Lauren do that kind of reset the rules? Lauren one day came to me and she said, we're going to stop doing iPad time every day. And I was shocked because it was the one hour or maybe hour and a half a day that she had as a break to get things with the kids. Right. And so I said, you know, I'm all for it, but you're the one who has to deal with this.

I was like, are you serious? And she just said, it's not worth it. It's not helping. They're more spun up afterwards. I feel like they're getting addicted.

I feel like this isn't a good routine. And she demonstrated something that has changed my perspective on this. And here it is. You can change your screen time routines. You can. Parents have the power. Parents think, oh, no, it's out of my hands now. Everybody has an iPhone. Everybody has an iPad.

They're used to this. I can't take it away. Lauren showed, I think something incredibly important is that, no, you're the parent.

You're in charge of this. And Jim, I do think this is the number one issue facing parents and us. In fact, I tell people often, probably the most important thing in your discipleship to Jesus right now is how you interact with screens. Parents and children, because your ability to pay attention, to love the world, to be formed in good content and not false content depends enormously on how you use screens. And actually, incredible and incredibly sad data is now showing how malformative, how bad constant screen time is for adolescents, particularly girls.

There is an emotional mental illness epidemic. And I just want to say gently but truthfully to parents, wake up. It is your job to form your children in how to use screens well. And this, don't be afraid.

You can do this. But take it really seriously. Because one of the most important things that you're going to do with your children is hopefully to send them out of the house knowing that community is better than virtual community. Actual friendships are the real meat of life. That attention matters and to have integrity online. And that requires a parent. We need to rise to the challenge.

Really important. I'm so glad with Jean and I, I mean, the boys, I think they got their first smartphones at 17 and 15. So, delay it.

Great data right now is showing that that is the way to do it. About the time of driving, 10th grade, 16, is when you might should allow a smartphone or social media, not before. It is very damaging to adolescents. You'd be surprised how many parents are like, are you serious?

I mean, the average age of smartphones is like eight. And it takes a community. So, this is where the church can really be a light to the world. It takes a community of parents acting similarly. Otherwise, you say, I got to give him an iPhone.

All his friends have it. No. Be a counter-cultural community. And I think, really, we will show a light of the gospel to the world of saying, do you see how these children are different? Do you see how their relationships are different? Their attention is different. Their education is different. We should be showing this off to the world as a way of love, of saying, this is how to raise children.

But it takes a community. But all my friends have one, Justin. Dad. And now you say, hey, you know what?

We're a little bit different because we follow Jesus. Got it. Let's end with this.

How can parents live by faith while in the tension of the now and the not yet? And you got to describe that as well. Yeah. Well, so much about parenting children is, as we have talked about, it's messy. It's hard. It's difficult.

It's the now. But one of the things that we need to do is just lift our eyes to the not yet and that what is Jesus going to do through our parenting? And one of the tools that I give parents to do that at the very end of the book is an age chart where you write down all your get ready. This is scary. You write down your ages from now to the next three decades. And then beside those years, you write down your children's ages and you will have this frightening moment of, oh, my gosh, I'm getting old quick. My death is not that far away and they're leaving the house is not that far away.

But this is what I want people to realize. That you have a limited but beautiful time that the Lord has called you to steward. And it's called parenting.

It's a limited season. And obviously you stay a parent when they're out of the house. But there's a limited time where you get them under your roof. And when you see that on paper, then you can start feeling, OK, these are the years of where I need to be really present.

Family trips. These are the years of conversations. These are the adolescent years. So it's going to get really hard. And I think God uses moments like that. The Proverbs say without vision, the people perish without sight, the way forward. And I think looking at what the Lord can do and zooming out is one of the great ways to say, OK, I'm going to be intentional in the now. And, you know, lean into that. The Lord wants to use this stage, but sometimes he needs to pull your vision back so that you can see the big picture. You know, Justin, this has been such practical advice.

And again, we haven't really had anybody, in my opinion, that has talked about this. And I'm so grateful that you've written the book Habits of the Household. And what a great resource to kind of set those rhythms up and learn to carve a new rut and to do the things that are opposite of your flesh as a parent. I mean, both you and I often were listening to the broadcast going, I wish we would have heard that when our kids were like three.

And this is one of those moments. This is a great resource. If you're the grandparent, get it for your adult kids. I'm sure they'll appreciate it, especially with the broadcast or the podcast as a help.

And yeah, if you're the parent saying I need a different way because it's not working, it's chaos every night. Get this great resource Habits of the Household. If you can send a gift of any amount like we normally do, we'll send it as our way of saying thank you. We're not paying shareholders, so not like some of those big direct mail people. But all the proceeds go right back into helping other families and doing ministry together. So make a gift of any amount. If you can do it monthly, that really helps.

That's how Gene and I support Focus. And I think that'll be a great resource for your library. Yeah, contact us today for this book Habits of the Household, Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms. And when you request that book, make a generous donation as you can.

Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, where you'll find all the details to donate and get the book in the show notes. Justin, thanks for being with us. It's been great. Thank you so much, Jim and John. Thank you for having me. And thank you for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Your kids are unique and so are you. You have your strengths as a parent and areas of growth, too. Find out what they are by taking the seven traits of effective parenting assessment from Focus on the Family. Find out how you're doing on traits like gratitude, grace and other research backed traits.

When you're done, we'll give you a detailed PDF with several pages of content on how to use your unique strengths and how to work on your areas of growth. This simple framework shows you how to be an effective mom or dad in daily family life. A parent who recognizes your imperfections and finds ways to thrive. You'll also get access to other resources from Focus on the Family to help you keep growing into the best parent for your kids. It only takes a few minutes to boost your parenting. Take the seven traits of effective parenting assessment at parenting traits dot com. That's parenting traits dot com.
Whisper: medium.en / 2024-08-02 05:32:14 / 2024-08-02 05:45:57 / 14

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