When I came to America for the first time in 1972, I came in search of a girl. I knew who the girl was. I wasn't trying to pick her out of the crowd, but I tracked her down to Michigan, to the shores of Western Michigan, found her there amongst a bunch of young American fellows who had muscles in places that I didn't have places.
There's nothing like true love to motivate and propel you out of your comfort zone. That's Pastor Alistair Begg, and he's our guest today on Focus on the Family. Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, as you know, I've had the opportunity to get out and meet many of our listeners and supporters over the years, and many of them are single.
They're either never married, divorced or possibly widowed. And if that's you, let me remind you that you are part of Focus's family for sure, because we're all part of the family of God. So for our single friends of all ages, we have a very encouraging message from Pastor Alistair Begg, someone whom I respect so highly. He's going to share with us six things to consider if you're looking for a potential spouse, and he's basing his recommendations on the principles found in the New Testament, particularly 1 Peter chapter 3. He has such a knack for weaving biblical truths and amusing, really engaging stories. Many of those are about his courtship time with his wife, Susan. Well, he's so fun to listen to. And of course, I love his Scottish accent. Alistair was born in Scotland and lived in the United Kingdom for the first half of his life. Let me also say that if you're not single, you probably have friends who are.
And if you have children, they certainly will be searching for a spouse someday, probably sooner than you think. Well, that's for sure. And in this presentation, Alistair is speaking to some college students at Cedarville University. As you said, Jim, these biblical principles really apply to every stage of life. Alistair Begg is the senior pastor at Parkside Church in Cleveland, Ohio, and has a radio program called Truth for Life. Here's Alistair Begg on today's episode of Focus on the Family. It has been my unbelievable privilege to be married now for the last 27 years.
We celebrate our anniversary on the 16th of August this year, as we do every year. And I may say more about that later, but probably not. Let me just say certain things to you this evening. When you think about relationships at all, in every relationship, our relationship with God must come first. And indeed, unless we have a meaningful, viable, increasing relationship with the Lord Jesus ourselves, not being kept afloat by our family structure, not relying on the temperature of the Cedarville campus, but our own personal walk with God, practicing the presence of the Lord Jesus, memorizing His Word, being in it daily, sharing it regularly, then we really should go no further than that in terms of developing relationships.
Because it is in direct relationship to our walk with Christ that everything else falls into line. Now that is particularly so when we think about relationships with the opposite sex. We should never assume that friendship is going to be more than friendship when it begins. And by the same token, we should recognize that the absence of a friendship with someone of the opposite sex does not determine our significance or our meaning in life. We need to recognize that there is no good thing that the Lord will withhold from those whose walk is blameless. If we are not involved in a dating relationship, if we do not have a special other person, there's no need for panic.
God makes everything beautiful in His time. And to be unattached to someone of the opposite sex may actually be God's very best for you tonight, and it may actually be God's very best for you for always. But let us assume since the Bible lays it out as the normal pattern of life that each of you who has yet is not married is planning on being married. And therefore you're going to be faced with crucial decisions as you go forward. You're going to have to decide where you're going to take advice and whether you're going to listen to those who love you most and care for you the best of all. Few relationships if any in life are neutral. You remember that from high school. There were people in whose company it was easy to be good. There were people in whose company it was easy to be bad. That is true not only of fraternal relationships, but it is definitely true with those of the opposite sex. And when we make friends with the opposite sex, it is important that we take into account the way in which others view those friendships.
I wouldn't go so far as to suggest to you tonight that I believe in arranged marriages, but I think I'm quite close to the idea because it has always struck me as very strange that our children grow up entirely dependent upon us. They want to know whether they should attend this function or that function, whether they should apply to this school or that school in the earlier days, whether these shoes are right with these trousers or whether this skirt looks good with these heels or whether my hair looks good here or over there or whether you like this color on me now or then and you're just dying under the weight of all the decisions that you have to make in order to help you chart your course. And then all of a sudden out of the blue, you show up at the front door on the arm of someone I don't even know called Rodney. Who in the world is Rodney? And then I see in your eyes this strange glazed look as you look up at Rodney.
The look in my eyes is not glazed at all, it's piercing. I want to know all about Rodney, who his dad was, who his mom was, what size his shoes are, whether he washes his socks at night. I want to know everything about him because as a father I care for my girls. And the same is true with our sons. That was plural.
Or do you think I developed a speech impediment since this morning? My mother died when I was 20. One of my sisters was 15, the other was 11. And so they grew up through their adolescent years without a mom. And certainly I could never be a mother, but I found myself fulfilling a role that was not a normal role for an elder brother. And I took far more interest in the friendships that my sisters were establishing than I think it would be normal for the ordinary elder brother. Although I think it was a good pattern and I would recommend it to every elder brother.
And there were occasions when there was tears and argumentation and the banging of bedroom doors. As I explained to my sisters, this guy is a jerk. You want to have nothing to do with him.
I know who he is. I've seen him around get rid of him, but he sent me roses. Yes, I already put them in the garbage. Don't worry about them. And in the providence of God, I introduced both my sisters to their husbands. They're both happily married, one in Scotland, one in England.
I picked them out almost. Of course, they liked them too, and they've been living with them for a while. But if you find that in developing a friendship, it isolates you from your immediate circle of friends, all of a sudden they don't want to come and sit next to you in the cafeteria because you're with him. Or they find you standing outside the restroom door waiting for her.
If you find that this begins to isolate you from others and from Christ and from your family, then you're probably without question on the wrong track. And so it is imperative that in all of these things we come to the issue slowly with realistic expectations and without anticipating marriage in any of its aspects in the development of friendship. So often I listen to young people tell me, well, I know that once we're married, we'll be able to take care of that, whatever that is. I know that he's got a little problem there or I know she's a little difficult there, but we will be able to sort that out. Listen, most people on their dating relationships are on their best behavior.
And so you have to be very, very careful. You need to see this potential spouse in a variety of different situations. For example, you need to see what he's like when he's late for an appointment because of congested traffic and you're driving in the car with him. You need to see what he or she is like visiting a hospitalized loved one. You need to see what he is like in the way that he treats his mother and speaks to her and whether he looks into her eyes when she asks him a question.
You need to see what she's like playing with children in the street, being around their parents with their regular friends, participating in competitive sports, handling various stressful situations. And the tragedy that I face as a pastor is in finding couples coming to me to be married and they've never seen each other in any of these situations. They've got a kind of hurry up offense stirred by their emotions, fueled by their glands.
They're ready to be married. And very often they haven't decided whether they're actually marrying a person or whether they're marrying a body. Western society is obsessed with externals, facial features, figure, muscular composition, weight, hairstyle, and so much more.
And this puts tremendous pressure on our culture. Young women quickly assuming that their significance is directly related to their shape and to their dress size. Young men frequently modeling themselves after professional athletes, disappointed that their features are less than perfect. And products offered from toothpaste to self-tanning products with a covert message that image matters more than character.
Image doesn't matter more than character. Therefore, it is vitally important that when you think these issues through that you're asking yourself the question, is the attraction that I feel for this fellow, is the attraction that I feel for this girl motivated primarily by physical instincts? Now I want to suggest for a moment that that is some marginal consideration, but beauty is for all of us in the eye of the beholder. Now there may be shared perceptions, but we often have very clear understandings of what we regard as lovely. And so the more significant questions don't have to do with shape and size and structure, but we need to be asking questions like, do I enjoy having a conversation with her? Can this fellow carry on an intelligent conversation?
Does he or she have a growing interest in spiritual things or do I get the impression that they're simply saying that because they know that it is important to me? My young friends tonight, listen, these questions get to issues that are enduring. Age takes its toll on all of us. Physical beauty is passing. To invest in a person as simply a physical package is to set ourselves up for a dreadful fall because the package will begin to sag and will begin to droop over time. The law of gravity is the law of gravity. There is only so much you can do to keep it all up where it needs to be.
And some of us never ever had it up where it needs to be in the first place, and so we are of all men most miserable. When I came to America for the first time in 1972, I came in search of a girl. I knew who the girl was.
I wasn't trying to pick her out of the crowd, but I tracked her down to Michigan, to the shores of Western Michigan, found her there amongst a bunch of young American fellows who had muscles in places that I didn't have places. They took great delight in teaching me how to water ski. They could ski in their bare feet. They didn't need two skis, one ski, no skis.
They skied in their bare feet. They gave me these gigantic doors on which to stand, never telling me that if you don't get up the first time, you'll let the rope go. And they dragged me through the water like a dead dog, much to their hilarity.
We'll get rid of this Scottish whippersnapper, 139 pounds soaking wet, ugly little creature that he is, coming over here for our American girls. Then they took me on dirt bikes. That was a bad decision on my part. Some fellow's father had an agency or a dealership or something, and I arrived at a place that I don't know where it was to find all these bikes. The fellows got on the front, the girls got on the back, and off we were going through the Michigan dunes. So I did what they did. I got on the front, the girl got on the back.
They all took off. I went about a hundred yards and ditched it in the sand with the girl as well. I got back up. I can't bore you with a story. I had dreadful hay fever, the worst kind of hay fever. It produced horrendous nosebleeds. I ditched the bike in the sand. My nose began to bleed.
The hay fever began to go. The blood began to congeal with the sand on my face. And they'd given me a helmet of all things, and my hair was sticking out in bunches at the side. Boy, did I look good. And the final ignominy was that I had to ask the girl to drive the bike while I sat on the back. And she rode the bike back around in the sand, and they were all there waiting for me, the All-American Marines.
And here he comes peering over the shoulder of his girl. What possible hope did I have? I was a no-hoper.
No chance. Now I have to go home across the Atlantic Ocean and leave this girl and the dirt bike and everything else behind. And sometimes when we ride in the car together now, all these years later I look across at her and I say, my, my, my.
It certainly couldn't have been physical. I actually met her when she was 13. I decided pretty quickly that if ever this girl would grow up around her eyes and I got the chance, I would marry her.
I've never ever wanted to marry anyone else. From the age of 16, I wrote letters to her for seven years, four of those years across the Atlantic Ocean. So for those of you who are doing English, never doubt the power of the pen.
All those American water skiers bowed to the Scotsman's pen. So girls, your beauty shouldn't be that which comes from time spent in front of a mirror, but rather time spent in front of the mirror of the Word of God. And men, the biggest thing that you can bring to the possibilities of marriage is the character of integrity and a life of spiritual maturity. Now, what I would like to do in the remaining time that I have is help you by suggesting what you should look for if you're planning on getting a husband. And then if I have time, I'll tell you what you should look for in a wife.
This is just my opinion, and it's really quite a good opinion as I think you'll agree. Number one, what should I look for in a husband? The man should be committed to growing in his relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Committed to growing in his relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Do not take on a fellow as a discipleship project. Don't take on a husband who is merely mastered Bible trivia. Look for a husband who is serious about growing in grace and in a knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. Imagine that he's going to be in part your shepherd and your guide, that he's going to be the spiritual leader of your home, that he is going to be the nurturer of your children together.
And think about that long and hard before you sell out for anything else. Secondly, a husband should be an individual of obvious integrity. If he cheats on the golf course, beware.
Anyone that cheats on the golf course has the potential for cheating anywhere. If you find him in an employer situation fudging the issue in his sales calls, telling somebody that he can get the product to them in two weeks when he comes afterwards and tells you that actually he knew that he couldn't get it there for four weeks but he said that because he didn't want to lose the sale. On the day he tells you that, you need to have a long, serious conversation with him. And if he seeks to undergird his deceptiveness with argumentation, you should probably kiss him goodbye. No matter how some men try to justify their use of untruth, those lies should serve as neon signs to prospective brides.
What makes you ever think that if a person would lie to a customer, to a boss, to a teacher, to a parent, he wouldn't also lie to his wife? You need a husband who is honest to the core, to a fault. Thirdly, you need to look for a husband who is able to lead boldly, to lead boldly.
Not everyone's going to marry the high school quarterback or the class president. That's not the kind of leadership to which I'm referring. But every girl needs to look for the kind of man who can think for himself, who can weigh options, and who can make good decisions. No person always makes good decisions.
Everybody makes mistakes. Many times good leadership demands the willingness to acknowledge that I've made a mistake and to turn around and make a second decision. In thinking of a man who is able to lead boldly, we ought to say very quickly that a girl should never settle for leadership that is selfish, bombastic, and domineering.
The leadership of the Lord Jesus Christ, the leadership as espoused by the apostles, is a leadership that is marked by an attitude of servanthood, an attitude that submits to the leadership of others. And that is of vital importance. The flip side of it, of course, is simply that a young woman should be more than a little concerned if the fellow that she's dating has to check with his mother all the time.
Well, I need to phone my mom about that. And all he's trying to decide is whether he should buy the large or the medium t-shirt in Gap. You know you've got a problem there. In fact, while he's choosing, just slip off ever so quietly into the mall and don't ever come back.
If he doesn't have the wherewithal to decide between the medium and the large in the navy blue t-shirt, you've got a problem. Trust me. Let somebody else fix it. Forget the project. It's a bad idea. You heard it from your Uncle Ali.
Okay? Well that's where we're going to have to end today's episode of Focus on the Family, and you'll hear the rest of the message about finding a godly mate from good old Uncle Ali, Pastor Alistair Begg, next time. Jon, I really appreciate the biblical truths that Alistair Begg is sharing with all of us.
You know, you can actually consider this message in two ways. First, what you should look for in a potential spouse. And secondly, what qualities you can be developing in your own Christian character so that you are attractive to that person when they meet you.
We often don't think about that. What will a potential spouse see in you that he or she is attracted to? For Jean and I, there were so many great qualities that I loved about her.
But most importantly, she really had a desire to be a godly woman, and that is what sold me on pursuing her with great gusto. And those qualities of hers have continued to be a blessing in our marriage. And if your marriage didn't have a smooth start or you're experiencing some real difficulties a few years into the relationship, let me strongly encourage you to consider our Hope Restored marriage intensives. We are seeing marriages get saved and stay strong.
Here's just one example. Anna wrote, Our family has been so blessed by focus on the family. My husband and I were in a desperate spot in our marriage, and we were headed toward divorce. We attended Hope Restored, and it was a wonderful experience. And now our marriage has a stronger foundation.
We learned to communicate in a whole new way. We were blessed to receive a scholarship. So I'm donating today to focus on the family to thank you for restoring our marriage.
What a great story, Jim. And actually, four out of five couples say their marriage is doing great two years after their Hope Restored experience. So Anna's message is really pretty typical of what we're hearing from those who attend.
Yeah, it is, John. And it's amazing to see what the Lord is doing through Hope Restored at our various locations from coast to coast. And that's just one aspect of the work Focus on the Family is doing to save marriages and to help those marriages thrive. So let me encourage you to be a part of the work we're doing together.
We need your support. And the best way to help us is by becoming a monthly partner. Instead of making a large donation at the end of the year, you can make a smaller donation on a monthly basis.
And that really helps us even out our budget. And when you make a monthly pledge of any amount today, I want to send you a copy of Alistair Beggs book called Lasting Love, How to Avoid Marital Failure. It goes way beyond what we've heard on this broadcast and even includes a study guide to help couples put biblical principles into practice in their marriage. And by the way, if you can't make a monthly commitment right now, we understand that. We'll send the book out to you for a one-time gift of any amount. Yeah, it's really a great resource. And you can get your copy of Lasting Love when you follow the link in the episode notes or call us for details.
800, the letter A and the word family. And when you're online, be sure to look for the list that Alistair is working from, The Qualities of a Godly Spouse. Next time, Alistair provides some great advice for men. We need to look for a wife who possesses beauty that is deeper than the skin, deeper than the skin.
A wise fellow looks for a woman who possesses a natural radiance rather than a glow that comes from a bottle. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast. Take a moment please, if you would, and leave a rating for us in your podcast app and share this episode with a friend, won't you? I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.
