Practical Advice for Parenting Strong-Willed Children (Part 2 of 2)

That was pretty easy to get along with. Didn't fight you, confrontationally. So you point your bony finger in my face and you back me into the corner and you say, do it or else and then I'll just else. Because I know there's nothing I really have to do except die, which I'm willing to do. If I'm willing to die and you're not, I win. Okay, I'm dead, but I win. I don't care if I have to die to do it. Do you understand?

I don't care if I have to die to do it. Well, a strong statement from a strong-willed individual, Cynthia Tobias. And you'll hear more from her today on Focus on the Family. Your host is Focus president and author Jim Daley.

And I'm John Fuller. Cynthia is so good at nailing down how the strong-willed child thinks and acts. And of course, being one, a self-proclaimed one, as she does, she knows exactly how they think and act. And then she offers us guidance as a parent, as a teacher, as a former police officer on how to handle it as a parent. If you didn't hear the program last time, you got to download it or get the CD because it's relevant right where you're at as a parent with that strong-willed child. Cynthia has lots of great tips and every parent is going to benefit. And if you're a grandparent, this is the one you want to pass along to your adult children who are raising those grandkids for you. We said it last time, this is one of our most popular programs, which is why we wanted to come back to it.

And it got a huge response. In fact, let me read a comment we received from a parent named Deborah who shared this. She said, I heard your two-day broadcast with Cynthia Tobias and it was an answer to my prayers. I've been changed and there has been peace in my home for a month. Since I heard the broadcast, you gave me so much insight into the way my almost 14-year-old strong-willed daughter thinks.

I've applied some of the strategies you spoke of and there is peace. I can't thank the Lord enough for using you to bless me so much. John, that touches my heart. That's exactly what we're trying to do each and every day here at Focus on the Family. And I want to say thanks to those of you who have supported the ministry. If you haven't supported Focus on the Family in a while, may I ask you to participate with us in blessing others and helping them have a healthier, more God-centric home. That's what we're up to each and every day. Yeah, we really do want to help and your partnership is vital. You can donate today.

The link is in the episode notes or call 800, the letter A in the word family. And the conversation is based on Cynthia's book, You Can't Make Me, but I Can Be Persuaded. And here now is today's focus on the family. Cynthia, last time we were talking about that parent that has hit that natural boiling point.

I mean, this is yet another grocery store moment where they've said no to that candy bar. And it sounds like I'm speaking from experience. This is a friend of yours, right?

A good friend of mine. But you know, you just get to that point. You've said it as many times as you can say it.

And they're not listening to you. And you're saying, what am I going to do? And you hit that boiling point, your natural human emotions, bang, you snap. And last time, you gave us three quick ways to manage that. Let's hit those again, as a recap from last time.

Sure, we call it the Strong Willed Child Emergency Kit. And that is, your first step is to back off, get a little perspective, just back off, walk away if you have to just a little ways. The second one is, is to figure out what the point is, what am I trying to accomplish?

Is there another way to get there? So can I just, you know, dial it back just a little. And then the third way is to just be honest, to say, look, I'm not gonna be able to do this here. I am just I'm going to say something I regret.

So I need to back off again. Just honesty. And that sounds like you're giving up right there. It does in some ways, but here and I don't know if this will be all that popular with the parents who are listening. Because let me just tell you one thing, as a strong willed child, the honesty and a strong willed parent, I had to apply to myself, is it's harder to do to ourselves. If I'm the strong willed parent, and I've got a strong willed kid, and we're going toe to toe, I don't want to lose. I'm not going to lose.

And that kid's not going to lose, right? And so one of us has to be able to figure out how to do this. And one clear example, I remember when I was a police officer, you know, I'm a young, impetuous 26, 27 year old police officer. I'm the only woman on the force for several years.

And so I'm, you know, I'm feeling pretty good in my uniform. And I pulled this guy over for it, you know, he just didn't completely stop. And so I'm thinking in my head, I'll just kind of give him a warning and just tell him that it's not what he should do. So I walked up to the car. And before I could even say a word, he says to me, Why'd you pull me over? You can't give me a ticket. You just can't even give me a ticket. You're not even a real cop. You're only a woman.

Ooh, ouch. That wasn't a very smart thing to say. Them fighting words. You know what I did, right? I said, You're right. I'm not going to give you a ticket.

I'm going to give you three. And he goes, What? And I said, Yeah, the tread on your tires, the failure to notify department licensing about change of address within 30 days. I mean, I was doing little chippy things, right? Well, what happened immediately was, things escalated quickly.

In fact, he got out of the car. And then I mean, it turned into a fight and back up and he ended up in jail. And you know, the bottom line, it's my fault. It was my fault. And I let it escalate.

I let him bait me. And I learned then, as I've learned through the years over and over, that those who anger you control you. So the moment he made me angry, the moment he made me lose my cool, and escalate, and in let him have it, I lost, he won, he was now in control. And even though I eventually got to put him in jail and go, ha, so there, nobody really won from that.

And, you know, every parent knows that that's true. You don't feel good when you lose it, and you snap, and you and you just say, you're grounded for life, or I'm taking away everything that you care about. And I'm, you know, you can make horrible punishments, and you don't feel good about that. You just, you lost it. And you let that kid know, I can be weak, I can give in. And so I can't count on you. I mean, as a strong-willed kid, I need to count on you to be solid. I need to know that you're going to hold steady. And if you scream and yell at me, you're not holding steady. That's why your calm, firm voice says, nice try, we're not going to do it. And you don't lose your cool.

Because as a strong-willed kid, if I know the buttons to push to make you angry, I will push them. Just about every day. Every day, every chance I get. Cynthia, when you're in that moment, I mean, what's so important and what you're saying that's so critical is to deescalate.

And everybody wins in that situation, when you can actually take the energy out of the process. I have tried to remember that when, you know, Trent and I are having our little parental problem. And, you know, to put a smile on your face and to put an arm around him and say, listen, you know, mom's just asking you to do this.

Can you honor mom by doing that? Exactly. And that's and that melts me.

They do jump in. What I noticed with Trent, which is so wonderful, he usually gets around to doing it. But to your point of control, he wants to do it when he wants to do it within a reasonable amount of time.

And now we've begun to relax about that. So if we say, you know, we really would like you to mow the lawn. I say, can you just get it done sometime this afternoon? And he gets it done. And I don't stay harping on him. You know, it's one o'clock and you haven't got it done yet.

We said sometime this afternoon. But you need to find ways to let them have some of that control, don't you? Yeah. And you know, the other little secret is to empathize, you know, I know that you hate doing that. And I, you know, I wish there was no way around it. I sure appreciate you doing it.

Do you think you can have that done by two? I mean, as long as you know, I hate it, then I'll probably do it better for you. But when you just act like it's my job to do it, and I just better do it and just, you know, pull myself together. There's something about that empathy. Again, it goes to the relationship, where you and I can look at each other and you say, I know it's a bummer, isn't it?

You know, some of this, it almost sounds like respect as well. And it's hard. It's hard for a parent to understand that.

I think I had to learn that. And believe me, even though I'm giving you good examples, it doesn't always work that way. I know that plenty of poor examples in my parenting. But it does come down to realizing that this is a human being.

You gave birth to this human being. But you need to respect your child in that way. Be honest with them, talk with them. Don't simply control them like a robot.

That's right. And as parents, we don't often realize, but they're watching us very closely. And they're talking to us the same way we've been talking to them. But as the parent, that's unacceptable to us. You can't treat me that way.

You cannot treat me with such disrespect. Without realizing our responsibility as the parent is, we have to model it for them. How else will they know to practice? And that's when the introspection comes in with the parent who doesn't, you know, I shouldn't have to kowtow to my child. I don't answer to you. I don't answer to you.

They answer to me. And then you think, well, I don't know. I think, you know, you get what you give. And it's hard. It's hard to sometimes deal with that.

Cynthia, one thing that I've observed as well is it's hard to pick the battles. Everything can look like the big stuff when in reality there's probably only a handful of things that are the real big things. And then a lot of it, it's the little stuff. And we tend to sweat the little stuff, maybe even more than the big stuff. But give us the examples of how we go about discerning what are the big battles and what are the ones that we don't need to win.

Right. And this is a classic of course. And, you know, all of us as parents have to decide what am I going to go to the wall for? Because I can't go to the wall for everything or I'm not going to get anything.

If you make everything a big fat hairy deal, then everything will turn into a big fat hairy deal and you will fight a battle on everything. So just decide what, you know, in our home physical safety is always a go to the wall issue. It's not going to be negotiable whether you walk out in traffic or whether you don't wear a seatbelt. So physical safety I'll go to the wall for. Spiritual and moral values, I'm not going to make those negotiable. I'm not going to let you lie or cheat or steal or hurt somebody. I'm going to the wall for those. Now if I'm going to get those, I've got to back off of other things. Exactly what you wear, exactly what you say or how you say it. I can't have everything. So as parents it's hard but you have to figure out is this one really worth it?

And because you're not going to get everything and you may lose the stuff that was really worth it if you're going to harp on the stuff that wasn't. And the classic example when Mike and Rob were about eight, Mike my strong willed son at breakfast table he says to his brother, hey Rob pass me the cereal. And I said Mike what do you say? Robert pass me the cereal, do it now.

That's not quite what you thought. I said Michael Tobias, he goes I'm not going to say that word. You can't make me say that word. If I have to say that word I'm just not going to eat breakfast. And I said that's fine Michael Tobias because this is worth it to me. I'm not going to raise a rude ill-mannered ill-behaved child.

This one's worth it. And he got up and he stomped down the hall and he went into his bedroom and he slammed the door. And he wasn't even in there a minute before he stomped back down the hall and sat at the table and then he went please. Now you know as a parent what I'm thinking right. I'm thinking that's not how we say it, let's start over. But I did then what I did at least a couple times a week.

I mean he's 21 now right. I covered, physically covered my mouth and didn't let myself say anything because I realized I just won my go to the wall issue. If I'm going to keep pressing, if I'm going to keep kibitzing, I'm going to keep picking at him for exactly how he does it.

I'm going to lose it all. We have to as parents put your hand over your mouth sometimes. Just think did I get the really crucial point here and does it really have to be exactly my way because if it does everything's going to disintegrate and it's not worth it. And in fact what happens if you can't do that the child then sees you as renegotiating the deal constantly.

That's what's funny. I mean Trent has actually said that to me. You keep renegotiating it. You told me to say please I said please. You didn't say I had to say please kindly.

I mean they get back to that exactness don't they. That's right because the letter of the law can always get you. I can always get you with that. And it's again it's a sense of humor you know the nice try and you know if you can just if I do something outrageous that angers you, just enrages you. If before you just jump on me and say I can't believe you just said that and you better. If before you do that you can give me a fire escape just a little one you can say nice try I thought you were serious and then I have a moment where I can say oh yeah sorry.

And really the majority of the time you'll be surprised how often I will take that out. But one of my favorite stories my friend Sharon in Greenville South Carolina she had her strong-willed son Brandon when he was about 16. Now Sharon she's a by the book mom but she'd been really practicing and Brandon he was about ninth grader and she picked him up after school and he'd been you know he was all ramped up in conversation with his friends and stuff and he got in the car he tossed his backpack in the backseat and he got in the car and Sharon said so Brandon how was your day at school? He said it was great chick.

That doesn't go down well in South Carolina. No she's got her hand over her mouth right away right because and Brandon he's frozen in fear because he just realizes what he has said. He didn't even think before he said he's frozen in fear. So Sharon she pulls herself together for a few seconds and then she says to him that's Mrs. Chick to you and he said oh mom I'm sorry. Now see if he hadn't said oh mom I'm sorry then she would have had to go ahead and enforce the disrespect rule. You have to do that.

Sometimes you have to do it the hard way. But she gave him just that moment that said you didn't mean that right? He caught it. He caught it.

He got a chance to correct it himself. He got control and control of himself and instead of having a bony finger he had a relationship with a mom who understood for a moment that he got carried away and he didn't really mean it and she gave him just a second a few seconds to make it right. Cynthia we haven't talked about this last time or this time but the siblings of a strong-willed child. Let's talk about that dynamic because often that strong-willed child can consume all the oxygen in the home. I mean it's all about them all the time and then you got little junior next to big brother and how do we ensure that we're protecting that child in the proper way emotionally sometimes even physically. Of course one of the things you should do with all your kids is you know continually reinforce strengths and point out strengths in front of your brother or sister and encourage them to recognize the strengths and that they're different. When it comes to the strong-willed child you're right a lot of times there's a whole lot more going on with the strong-willed child and this more compliant brother or sister doesn't get the attention.

What I did Robert was the compliant twin he's two minutes younger than his twin brother Mike right and Robert tells everybody is the best two minutes of his life. And when he was younger I think he was probably about second or third grade and his brother constantly you know getting attention and stuff and I kind of drew him aside one morning and I put my arm around him I said Robert do you have any idea how valuable you're gonna be when you grow up? He says what do you mean and I said you're gonna be able to work almost any place you want because you will have incredible experience and ability to work with strong-willed people. You've practiced with the best your brother your mother I mean you're learning every day how to bring out the best in somebody really strong-willed and and a strong personality. He goes yeah I guess maybe you're right and you know it's really come true in many ways as he's gone through I try to reinforce that in him and to say you know what you're learning is how to deal with a strong personality that is a good strength to have and it'll be valuable to you later. So again just reinforcing it's not all that I have to have all that much attention as a more compliant child it's just the attention I get is encouraging and it's positive and it's strong.

Well we do want you to continue the conversation through the Facebook page. Jim you mentioned we've had a lot of interaction last year when we aired a presentation from Cynthia and that's why we're coming back to it today. As we talk Cynthia about the dynamics in the home address some of those things that strong-willed kids do to their siblings because everything's a battle not just with a parent but with the siblings as well isn't it? Well you know my you could talk to my sister who's five years younger than me right and she's the compliant person not compliant doesn't mean weak all right it doesn't mean that you're a mamby pamby.

It's a different personality. It's like the other hand it's compliant is to complete and so but you know I was not I could have been perceived as the bully growing up but I was the leader definitely the leader and I was the boss kind of with her and people ask her often and say weren't you kind of resentful that your sister you know kind of pushed you around and told you everything to do and she just smiled sweetly to this day and she says oh no she said I knew that I would never get in trouble she said at any time there was ever any trouble I could always say it's Cindy's fault and my mom knew I was true. You were providing cover.

I exactly I did. And strong-willed kids do tend to get most of the discipline don't they? We do tend I mean we take the bullet it's okay because we're willing to. Parents will jump to the obvious it had to be you and you're the one that stole the cookie fess up. That can be hard too because a parent needs to be careful not to put undeserved guilt onto that strong-willed child when you know I've had that dialogue in our home where Trent will say hey Troy did it not me. And again here you want to shift some responsibility and ask by asking some questions you'll be in a better position you can say wow you really hurt your sister's feelings did you mean to do that? See and if I say no then I could say I didn't think so how did you want to make that right? Now what you're doing is you're shifting responsibility and control to me and I'm recognizing that yeah I did hurt somebody's feelings. Now if I say did you mean to hurt your sister's feelings and this the kid says yes well now we've got a different situation we're gonna have to do it the hard way. But the hard way doesn't happen nearly as often is if you shift responsibility and recognition to me as the strong-willed kid yeah I guess I did get a little bossy. In fact Cynthia in your book you can't make me but I can be persuaded you give 10 tips and I think we should post these on the website John. I won't mention them all here but some of them if you have a strong-willed child these are going to hit you because they did with me. One value my ability to see the world from a unique perspective.

That's beautiful that's that identity and that respect that we talked about. Two you mentioned remember we need compelling problems to solve not just chores to do we talked about that. Three ask for my input keep me in the information loop. Yeah.

I mean if you have that strong-willed child you're seeing your child in these what are the others that you think are critical I mean you have 10 there do you want to run through the other seven. Well you know we talk about protect the relationship because you're not going to get much of anything with me if we don't have one and we talk about smile at me more often and this you have to practice smile when you don't feel like it. That's hard to do. That's Christian and that's hard.

It is but even scientifically they say if you smile it starts out fake but it kind of turns into genuine. We talk about don't let me push you around but don't push me around either. Talk about that for a minute don't let me push you around but don't push me around either. Boy I can resonate with that. Can you John? Oh yeah I mean it's a natural thing for a parent to do is to say you will and that's what you're talking about here.

Right because it's efficient right. We already know what the deal is and we know what has to happen here so just do it and then it takes a lot more time and a lot more effort to stop and let me try a little and ask a little and argue with you a little it's much more frustrating. Speak to me respectfully but firmly number seven and that's just really really important and that takes the most practice but if you can stay calm then you've won so many battles more than you think and then of course choose your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff. Give me some control over my own life and circumstances and you know here especially we find kids for instance kids that are foster kids or kids that have been through divorce. Kids that have lost suffered the loss of a parent. Those are things that take control away from me as a strong-willed child. I have lost control over my life. I've lost control over so much. I've been abandoned.

Things haven't worked out. I've got an alcoholic parent so I seek to control whatever I can even if it's a small thing even if it's a negative thing. So any way you can build in giving me some control over my circumstances and then number 10 which is so important and what God does to us all the time is you know remind me you love me even when you have to correct me even when I have to learn the hard way if you could just remind me you know you're so special to me you are so important to me and I don't know if I've told you lately but one of the things I love about you is if you could just remind me how much you love me it makes all a difference in the world. Well those are you know 10 beautiful things that you have in your book. For the last few minutes here talk about that strong-willed child that's the grown adult maybe in their 20s and they're back home.

I mean the economy right now there are a lot of people that are in that seat. How does a parent of an adult strong-willed child how do you set the ground rules there for what will and what will not be tolerated? It's tough isn't it because you know part of you is glad to see the child part of you is not so glad to see the child. You want your child to succeed and you've got a lot of ideas for how they could do that right but here but they're 21 or they're 26 or they're 30 and I'm not all that receptive as a strong-willed adult young adult not that receptive to your ideas anymore because you know I feel like I have my own ideas and you're you're quick to say well obviously your ideas didn't work and there's that poster that says you know a lot of kids who leave home to set the world on fire come back for more matches. That's where they are and we are more than happy to give it to them right but again here it's really important now you're dealing with the young adult so the honesty the transparency you know sit down at the table and say you know we're happy to have you stay here while you get on your feet.

Let's talk about what you think is fair you know what you know maybe we're not going to charge you rent for example but what do you think is fair as far as what what you might give us an exchange for and how will we know that you're working on you know ask questions ask questions ask questions instead of saying well look you can live here but you're going to need to do this and I think it's only fair that you do that you have to resist the temptation with that young adult who they're supposed to be thinking for themselves. You remind them how much you love them and how much you're supporting them and how happy you are that they're there but you know instead of bugging them and nagging them you just ask you know how would would you like me to remind you about this and how would you like to have this and with that again authority in your voice that says you know it's really not an option I'm just kind of giving you this opportunity to tell me what you want. Well I love that illustration of putting your hand over your mouth as the parent.

Yeah I still do that. No that's good that's good to see. What I hear you saying and Jim you have said this time and again during the past few years that we've been in the studio together the relationship with that child that's what you want. It's definitely more important than the rules I know that sounds counterintuitive because we as Christians particularly we want to live by the rules and we're called to live by these righteous standards but you know what God is a God of relationship first and foremost and if you're struggling with the rules he wants to walk alongside you to improve that area of your life. If we're really honest with ourselves even as adults even as parents that's true and so how do we mirror that to our children so that they know they are unconditionally loved that there is expectations there but that fundamentally my relationship to you as your mother your father is core.

Let's end with that Cynthia what are your thoughts about that? Well you know Tim Kimmel wrote a book about why Christian kids rebel and you know I have one my strong old son who's kind of rebelling a little bit in some ways now too and what's going to bring him back is not going to be the sermons and not going to be the lectures and not going to be the reminders of what sin is and what sin isn't. It's what keeps him close to me is the relationship that we've built and it's very difficult sometimes as a Christian parent because your heart just aches that this child is making these mistakes but when you think about what Christ does for us I serve him because of the relationship. I don't serve him because of the hammer and because of the internal damnation if I don't know that's a bonus that I don't get that don't get me wrong but the thing that draws me and if you really think about what's going to draw them to the church what's going to draw them to Christ into the foot of the cross it's not going to be a bony finger it's going to be the love and the consistency and the unconditional relationship that we give them. In fact in Romans 2 for it says it's God's kindness that leads one to repentance.

That's right. And you can put the parent in there as well and one parent's kindness that leads a child to repentance. Right and one word of encouragement to parents of strong-willed rebellious kids you know God's the perfect father but he still has wayward children. Cynthia Tobias that is a good place to end your book you can't make me but I can be persuaded love the title thank you for being with us on Focus on the Family.

Thank you. You know every time I hear Cynthia Tobias on Focus on the Family I'm reminded of some of the nuance involved with parenting a strong-willed child and she really knows how to unpack and simplify those concepts she shared. I agree John Cynthia has such great wisdom and depth and I think a lot of that comes from her having been one of those strong-willed children herself. She knows how they think because she is one and that's why we wanted to come back to this program because I know it's going to help parents who are struggling in this particular area and we want to be there for you to get practical resources into your hands so you can apply them in your home and I want to say thanks to those of you who have supported Focus to give that kind of hope to families. Yeah and your monthly pledge helps us do that on an ongoing basis so we really appreciate that. Donate as you can and if you're not able to make a pledge right now please consider a one-time gift of any amount.

Either way we'll say thank you for joining the support team by sending a copy of Cynthia's book, You Can't Make Me, but I can be persuaded. Donate today when you call 800 the letter A and the word family or follow the link in the show notes. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. As a parent it's easy to find myself sitting backseat to my kids in the backseat. It's tough to be a step ahead and full honesty I'm pretty hard on myself when that happens, but I've found Practice Makes Parent a podcast from Focus on the Family hosted by Dr. Danny Huerta and Rebecca St. James. It helps me be more intentional and not feel alone when things get tough. Everything they share is practical and well practiced and I can use it right away. Listen to Practice Makes Parent wherever you get your podcasts.