My Search for a Father’s Love (Part 1 of 2)

Hey, parents. Parent here. Not to sound old, but if I had a dollar for every time someone told me how to parent, well, let's just say I wouldn't need to read this ad to you today.

I'd be sitting on the beach somewhere with my feet up. Truth is, I don't trust everyone to tell me stuff, and I don't have time for that 500-page book either. But I do have time for Focus on the Family's weekly age and stage emails that have tips for intentionally raising my son at his age right now. It's super easy.

Go to MyKidsAge.com, put in your kid's age, and get parenting advice you can trust. It was just like crazy because I was in such a low place, you know, and to feel his presence, even with my brokenness, you know, it was just overwhelming. And you end up feeling loved just by him taking the time to let me visualize these things and see him, you know.

And so he walked right to the side of my bed. And it was the most powerful experience of me feeling God, Jesus, right there with me. That's Lindsey Snyder describing how God revealed himself to her at the lowest point in her life. Today on Focus on the Family, you'll hear more of her difficult and broken journey and how she discovered that only the Lord can fill the emotional heartache in your life.

Your host is Focus president and author, Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, some of our listeners may recognize the name Lindsey Snyder. She's the president and owner of the very successful In-N-Out Burger, one of my favorite places to go eat. And they're located mostly in the western part of the United States and Texas.

I'm glad they're now in Colorado and growing here. It was great to meet Lindsey and record with her at the headquarters of In-N-Out Burger in Southern California. John, you and I were both there. And as we'll get into the following interview, this was some pretty heavy content. Lindsey has had a difficult and at times heartbreaking journey through life. And I think her story is helpful for anyone who feels like God is far away and doesn't see us when we're hurting. Now, Lindsey has been very open and vulnerable about the mistakes that she has made in her past and how God has used those challenges to shape her faith and her passion to help others who are suffering. I'm really excited to share her story. She is a delightful person, but you're going to hear that she went through a lot of pain. Yeah, and here's how you began that conversation, Jim, with Lindsey Snyder on this episode of Focus on the Family.

You have such a powerful story, and I've watched it on the I Am Second platform and so many other places that I've heard pieces, and I'm just really thankful to talk with you today. So let's start with your childhood. What was happening as Lindsey Snyder when you were a little girl, and good things and tough things? Yeah, you know, I can remember back to being about three and a half, four, and I think there was a lot of normal things about my childhood, you know, snacks and parents that loved me. Well, I thought maybe even spoiled you a little bit as the last born.

Yeah, I'm sure there was a little bit of that. The thing about it, I mean, you did feel that close connection with your mom and dad, that affection, especially your dad. You've expressed that how tight you were, and even though he had some deep struggles. Yeah, his struggles were off and on throughout my life.

I didn't really see them as much as a child. There were just some times where he was away, and I thought he was in a hospital. I thought he was sick, but a lot of my memories in my childhood were my dad was present, and we played outside a lot. He watched cartoons with me. I would build a fort in the couch pillows and watch cartoons, and he was just, you know, I look back and, you know, knowing my love languages, quality time and physical touch were the big ones, and he just totally spoke to those and loved me in those ways. And I would sit on the arm of his recliner chair while we'd watch stuff too, and he'd just kind of just be right there, just the presence, you know.

Yeah. It's hard, I think, for those that had difficult issues in that relationship with our dads, but we still felt loved. Some people can not understand that because my dad was an alcoholic, but I can remember him running his hands through my hair saying, hey, you're my special youngest kid. And it just, you know, it did do something for my sense of self-worth, and it sounded like as I read about your life that you had that kind of experience, maybe even more deeply. Your dad really was able to communicate. He cared about you.

Yeah. Yeah, he really did, and there was, you know, years of him being sober, so there was, you know, a lot of healthy years that I can hold on to. And I knew that he'd had a lot of surgeries. He'd had back surgery.

He'd had shoulder surgery, different surgeries. So it started off with a legitimate need for a pain pill, but he was also a fast metabolizer, so he burned through them and needed more, and then that created an addiction. Well, there's so many people living that right now, Lindsay. Think about families that are being destroyed because of that, you know, opioid addictions, et cetera. You can relate to that, right? Yeah.

Well, it's a complete epidemic. I mean, it's just crazy because even his death certificate said congestive heart failure. It didn't point to what was found in him, and the same for my husband's brother.

He was 23, and his said congestive heart failure, but he was on narcotics, so. Yeah. It just takes that young life.

Statistics. Yeah. So you get through your teen years, but at 17, devastation occurs. What happened? Yeah, at 17, I was engaged and shouldn't have been, and my father died, and I was just completely heartbroken. And I've never really been one to struggle with depression, but that just hit me with just an overwhelming amount of pain and just feeling like I can't.

How can I live without him? How can I live without, you know, all of the things we didn't do or didn't talk about or, you know, so. Let me ask you that daddy hole in the heart because so many, we hear that. We're fathers. I don't have a daughter, but so many women I talk to speak to that hole.

Yeah. Describe that for those that may not understand what that means. What were you longing for that you're, you know, a healthy relationship and a long-term relationship with your dad would provide? What was that missing thing? I think that the dad provides this level of protection and even a defender, a protector, a defender, someone to protect the heart as well as physically. And I think if you know that they're present, you also want to please them and you don't want to disappoint them. And so having that missing, there was, um, I guess more of a recklessness with my heart because he wasn't there. To put a kind of a soft border around your behavior.

Say, Hey, wait a minute, Lindsay. Yeah. So, um, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't promiscuous, but it was, it was just a lot of early relationships. You know, I had my first serious boyfriend when I was like 13, so 13. And then my first husband we met when I was 14 and engaged at 17. So, and that's where that goes. I mean, in terms of that first marriage and, um, what were you hoping for?

What was real and what happened? Yeah. I think if my dad had been there once the selection would, the selection process would probably be different with the person. That's really interesting. Then, yeah, because I look back and I could see myself kind of going for the reformed bad boy, or I want to help reform the bad boy. And, you know, that's kind of who my dad was when he was younger. So, um, and then slipping back into, um, you know, using drugs. So, so yeah, I mean that, that hole there, of course, is that it's created for God to fill, but I think that we do have, parents do have a role here on earth. And, um, there's an importance of both the mother and father, and they both, um, provide different things for children. And if you have an absence, um, of one, you know, I'd just say there's a lot of things that present themselves that the enemy really likes to play up and try to create, you know, strongholds or, you know, different roads to different places that will just damage your, your heart or your mind. Absolutely. And I think, you know, I both realized John 10, 10, that great scripture that says the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, right?

That's, that's his mission is to take us out. And I think the listeners as we unfold your story, I mean, it is quite amazing, Lindsay, and that marriage did not work out. And, uh, what age were you when that was over? I knew, you know, I had this feeling when I was 17 that it wasn't right, that I was basically settling and I was afraid of being alone. So I kept going forward and, you know, I already had such a huge loss of love losing my dad. So I felt like it was too much to let go of that relationship that I was invested in. And, um, and, and it was a very codependent relationship as well.

So it wasn't healthy. Um, and yeah, it was, we were married for two years and, uh, unfortunately he had a lot of things going on, um, was having anxiety attacks and had a porn addiction and, um, started confessing a lot of stuff. And it was kind of just too much for me to handle. And I felt so heartbroken.

I felt like, okay, this is, I'm nobody, I'm not enough. I'm not, um, you know, so it was, And some people, here's one of the things as I was just getting to know you better, knowing your story better. So many people are so quick to throw out that judgment, but the reality, and I'm going to come back to this, but the reality is it's refreshing because at the bottom is where you meet the Lord.

That's where you, who you are really shows up and we're not at your bottom yet. I mean, it's going to continue to unfold here because that was your first marriage and you ended it when you were really young. Then your second marriage, what took place?

What was happening? Second marriage was basically a rebound. I was already in friendship and then relationship with, um, him before my first marriage even completely ended. So, so it started off all wrong. And, um, he introduced me to smoking marijuana and drinking, and those are things that I'd really tried to stay away from because of my dad. Um, and you know, I was just kind of talked into it and I was in a place where I'm like on the, the reject of the family right now. And, you know, getting divorced. And so I felt to that, I mean, the, the, the reality of that, I mean, you said that quickly, but it, it went deep.

It had to sting that I'm not, I'm not performing. Oh yeah. Yeah. I felt like, um, you know, I felt like I let my family down, let my mom down. I felt like, you know, she had two daughters that were my sisters that, um, you know, had kids and a husband for years and, you know, they did it right.

And so, you know, I've, I've done it wrong and, um, and I, you know, our relationship has gone all over the place over the years, but at the time it wasn't very good because she was sending me very lengthy emails of how I made her feel and how, um, she felt about my life. Right. Yeah. I mean, in some ways she's doing that out of her desperation too, because she doesn't want to see you hurt. Right.

Right. As a mom. So I know she meant well, but I think it came across very, um, shame, kind of shaming and guilting. In that context, um, some might be thinking, where was your relationship with the Lord at this point? I mean, you had the divorce at 19, you meet your second husband.

Um, there's some challenges there that you mentioned in terms of, uh, you know, difficult behavior. Yeah. And what are you saying to God? I mean, where is your relationship with the Lord at this point? So I was, you know, raised knowing the Lord and I think from about 20 to almost 22, I kind of went offline, you know, I took off.

What did that look like? I mean, boom, I'm just checking out. I'm a very long term thinker. Like I don't, I don't know. I just can't help, but like think about the big picture. So that's why I had to turn to drinking and everything then because I knew that I wasn't right. I knew, I knew that just where I was and trying to ignore God wasn't going to last and wasn't going to work. So, um, so you knew it. Oh yeah, I knew.

You're numbing yourself basically. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, I knew. And I was, um, you know, it was kind of a prodigal son slash daughter situation, but I just, I also felt just a lot of shame and felt like I was kind of kicked out too.

You know, like, well, I can't, I can't be a Christian now or I can't be, I was a Christian, but I can't be what I'm supposed to be because I've already failed, you know, there's just that defeat, I guess that was there. But the thing that is so positive is how the Lord was working in all this. Yeah. That's what you have to keep your eye on that ball, right?

Yeah. And I, and I came back very strongly. Like I was, um, you know, just heartbroken that I had let him down, that I'd walked away, that I took advantage of his grace, everything he did. And so, you know, when I came back, it was getting rid of all the things in my life that didn't fit, you know, with the Lord.

And, um, and I turned quickly. So, you know, I was back and then, um, you know, probably didn't surrender everything over because I ended up marrying pretty quickly as soon as my boyfriend became a Christian. Um, and that's, um, that's where I guess some of it went wrong from the beginning. However, we were married from, um, 2004 to 2010 and there was a lot of ministry in that time, a lot of good fruit, a lot of good, uh, relationships, lots of good stuff happened. Even in the marriage, um, there wasn't that feeling of protection or guarding, help to guard my heart or to fight for me. Um, so that, that pain that had been there for so long was just becoming a gaping hole again because the person that was supposed to be there wasn't.

And, um, I think that was leaving just a huge foothold for the enemy. So then that relationship, um, ended with adultery. I, I started with an emotional affair and then, and then it became physical and told on myself real quick. And, um, you know, it wasn't just a happened real quickly. It was a frog in the boiling water type situation where there were lots of issues, red flags, and I was kind of crying out and not much happened and there was an emotional connection.

There wasn't date nights were getting blown off and it was, it was just, it fell apart. I mean, it was something that I'm sure the enemy was, um, hoping to accomplish. Let me, let me dig into something that, that you mentioned that I think so many women struggle with. And that was that feeling of, um, you deserve this. I mean that, you know, this is your lot because of who you are.

It felt like as I read that, just how that is a tactic of the enemy as well to just pile on. You're making poor choices and then it just reverberates in your mind and your soul that you're not worthy of God. You don't deserve this.

So many women and men live in that spot. Speak to that and how you pulled out of that pit. I think the pain that was so deep was, okay, the first husband didn't love you enough to protect you. This is not all the things that the dad would do, you know, wasn't, wasn't there either. Then the next one, again, not important enough, not worth the time, you know, quality time, physical touch, not there again. And then jumping into number three, um, was just a complete rebound relationship and that of pain. And again, not in a great place to be selecting someone to guard your heart, but at the same time, hoping that they would or seeing something in them that showed that they would.

But then, no. And so then, like you said, in that relationship that was very, very dysfunctional, the most dysfunctional, the most emotional, mental abuse. And I did, I went to a place of just feeling like, well, I deserve it at this point. Because he was so abusive in that way. Everything was your fault. Yeah, exactly.

There was a lot of manipulation. And then for me to feel like I've already been through two divorces, I mean, this is, this is what I have to go through. How old are you at this point? Uh, let's see, it was in 2010.

Yeah, 2010. So almost 30. I mean, think of that. I mean, you're living like multiple lifetimes and by the time you're 30.

I mean, it's amazing. I went through a lot. I mean, I've always felt like an old soul, but now I feel like I've been through so much. And it just feels, boy, it just feels like you just needed someone to be there for you.

Yeah. And, you know, you ask about who's that person or who's in my corner. Other than, I was able to reconnect after I fell from my second marriage. I did try to pick myself back up, although I was still dealing with the shame and going, oh, I deserve this. You know, those obviously aren't from the Lord, but I was driving far to just be alone with God.

I would go up into the hills and sit outside my car and just pray and like read and cry out to God. So I was very intentional about like, just help me, help, help, help. You know, I want to be, I want to be okay with you. I want to be with you.

And so that was there. But yeah, I'm in the relationships. My mom and my sisters absolutely loved me, but I think that they kind of didn't know what to do. And then I didn't really have someone that, that really came in. I did, you know, when I was in my third marriage, I had a very good friend, Melinda, who was a huge strength for me. I mean, she was a pillar for me through that. What did she do that helped you so much? She was there for one to listen and she gave counsel. She gave biblical counsel.

She would quote the word to me. She brought me into her church and then I went to not just Sunday, but I'd go to the Bible study. And then so I was in church like three days a week, just trying to really stay connected. And it just seems like the Lord had his thread for you, even though it was going to be really difficult. And I mean, when you start working through that and coming out on the other side, that's the thing. And I think most people that are struggling right now, those that are listening, that might be, you know, somewhere like where you were at the bottom, not feeling worthy or deserving of God's love or anybody else's love. And I'll settle for this guy that's not that good, who's mistreating me. What do you say to them?

How do you convey that now to that woman who was that desperate and to say there's a better way? Well, I think that some Christians might look at certain people that came from a life of sin or different things. They weren't saved. And then they got saved.

And the story is good from there on. I think there's Christians that look at that and go, well, not me, because I already knew I already knew better. I was already Christian. And I did that. Yeah. And I did that.

And I'm just forget about me. You know, they count themselves out or say their ministry is done because or they just pull away from the church because of their own shame or whatever. I think those are the ones that the enemy really just like, you know, is so excited that he was able to stop them, you know, because if you can't kill God's children, then he tries to slow them down, stop them, derail them, whatever, whatever he can do, you know, to stop the advancement of the kingdom. And I think that a lot of those people that had those struggles thrown in front of them were probably very gifted.

And that's why the enemy was trying to throw those things in front of them. So I would say, you know, if they if you are one of those people that feel like you've just you've done too much or God's not not really there. How could he let all this happen to me or, you know, any. There's so many thousands of thoughts that could come up that would keep you from reconnecting with who you are and your creator. But he's always there and there's not one thing that's too big for him to forgive and there's not things that are too big to heal.

And he can definitely restore even the most broken or someone that's gone through tons of stuff. And it's even after they're a believer. Lindsay, I'm thinking back through so much of the painful times in your life, but you've referenced knowing God and feeling his presence. Just describe what that was like. Maybe one particular moment where you really sensed, yeah, my Heavenly Father is is with me.

Well, there's a lot of them, but I did have a moment that was very supernatural. When I was with my third husband, I was crying. I was very sad and I was alone. He was gone and and I just closed my eyes and was just praying. I was like, Lord, please just let me know that you're still there. Just show me that you're there. I'm like, I just want you to be here.

I invite you to be here. And I closed my eyes and I envisioned him up the street from my house. And it's like he was there.

There was just like the sense that he was really up there. And then I saw him walking down and he came to the gate and asked, can I come in? And it's like I felt him saying, can I come in? And I was like, yes.

And the gates open and I said yes. And then it's like I felt him in the house. I felt his spirit so strongly. It was just like crazy because I was in such a low place to feel his presence even with my brokenness.

It was just overwhelming. And you end up feeling love just by him taking the time to let me visualize these things and see him. And so he walked right to the side of my bed. And it was the most powerful experience of me feeling God Jesus right there with me.

And it's like he just placed his hand on me. And I cried. I smiled. I said, thank you. I was praising him, praising, praising him. And then I just fell asleep like in this peaceful place.

That's beautiful. Yeah. Kind of at your darkest hour, right? Just feeling so broken, you know, so beat up and so broken and just tired and feeling like I couldn't take much more, you know.

So, yeah. What a reminder, a powerful reminder of God's unrelenting love for us, no matter how far away from him we feel. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller and we've had a special conversation today with Lindsay Snyder.

She's the president and owner of In-N-Out Burger. John, I think Lindsay's story is so moving and hopeful for people who may feel like they've made too many mistakes to be worthy of God's love or forgiveness. There has to be people listening, watching right now who feel that way.

But here's the reality. Romans 3.23 says, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We've all made mistakes and none of us is worthy, yet God still offers us his abundant grace. That's the good news.

That's why we call it that. And just like the Father in the parable of the prodigal son, Luke 15, the Father God is waiting to embrace you, to forgive your sins and to restore your life. And if you'd like to learn how to become a follower of Jesus, we welcome the chance to talk with you and pray with you about doing just that. We have a free booklet or download that we can send to you called Coming Home, which can answer many of the questions you will have about living and growing in your faith. And please contact us if you'd like to speak with one of our Caring Christian Counselors about any challenges that you may be facing in your life. Here at Focus on the Family, we want to be there for you.

We do. And we're just a phone call away. The number is 800, the letter A in the word family. 800-232-6459.

Or stop by the episode notes for the links. And if you're already a member of God's family, I hope you'll help us out with a financial gift today. Focus on the Family is listener supported, which means you provide the fuel we need to encourage and support families. And when you send a gift of any amount to Focus, we'll say thank you by sending you a copy of Lindsay Snyder's book, The Ins and Out of In and Out Burger, the inside story of California's first drive through and how it became a beloved cultural icon. This book offers more of Lindsay's amazing story that we didn't have time to cover on today's program. And I'm sure you'll find it fascinating to see how God has blessed Lindsay and her family's legacy over the years.

Again, our number is 800, the letter A in the word family. Or you can donate and get Lindsay's book when you click the link in the program description. Plan now to join us for part two of our conversation with Lindsay Snyder. And for now, on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, I'm John Fuller. Thanks for listening. Join us again as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. We'll talk with you, pray with you and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.