Bringing Laughter to Everyday Life

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That's MyKidsAge.com. I notice in some airports, there are, in a lot of airports, there are luggage stores. Luggage stores and airports. I'm looking around, looks like everybody's got luggage taken care of. Never see a guy with an arm full of clothes. Man, I wish I had some kind of container, maybe with a zipper and a pulley thing.

I don't know if they make those yet. Welcome to today's broadcast. We're going to share some great humor to brighten your day. This is Focus on the Family with your host, Focus President, Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. We've covered some pretty heavy subjects on the broadcast recently, so I thought it'd be great to lighten things up by featuring one of my favorite comedians, Mr. Tim Hawkins. Tim does comedy shows in about a hundred cities a year, but you might know him from YouTube, where his work has received over 300 million views. That's pretty amazing, and best of all, he keeps things clean. He doesn't go into the gutter like so many comedians do. Well, that's right, and he's actually a homeschooling father of four, and I'm sure that gives him really good material. No doubt. And Tim is a way of finding the humor in some of the more stressful situations of life, and I hope he will inspire you to look at the stress in your life in a different way. And maybe after today you can find the humor there, too.

Here now is Tim Hawkins from his DVD called Full Range of Motion on today's episode of Focus on the Family. Well, I mean, we're actually building a new home. We moved. We're building a house, and it's going really well, and when I say it's going really well, I mean, AHHHHHHH! They're just nickel and diming us to death, people. You know how it goes? You're just like, home starting in the 200s.

We're in the 500s now. They just don't tell you certain things. We're sitting down with a builder lady, you know, she's at her keyboard.

She's like, okay, um, thanks for coming just today. I just want to sit you down and go over some of the options. Some of the upgrades for your house. You don't have to do this.

You don't have to. They're options. Why are my fingers doing this? I have no idea.

I'm a bird or an angel. She goes, okay, um, let's see here. Just throw some out here. Just see if you want them. Let's see.

Are you going to be wanting Mm-hmm? Doors. That's a good one. I would too. I would too.

Running water? Is that something you want too? Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too.

A lot of the younger couples are getting that. Yeah, flew into Dallas, got me a rent-a-car. Of course in Dallas, who built Dallas?

I want to know that, really. It's like, let's let the people move here. Then we'll build the roads.

Yeah, that's a great idea. You guys got bridges everywhere here and bridges all over the place. I saw one, I don't know where, like about 35. There's a bridge just stopped right in midair. You guys say off-ramp. You ain't kidding. He's off the ramp now. It's beautiful.

Sparks and metal flew. But I got my rent-a-car in Dallas. You know, I had the GPS, tells you what to do.

That's beautiful and so nice. Driving along. Turn left now. Turn right up ahead. Turn around and go the other way. Then I get into Dallas. You're on your own.

Your guess is as good as mine. Good luck and may the force be with you, Luke. I love the GPS. And when you make a wrong turn, do something bad, it's like, recomputing. Recomputing. Not, you moron. No. You idiot. No.

Recomputing. Love that. I want life GPS. That's what I want. You know, just tell me what to do in my life. Your fly is down. Purchase gum.

Your breath smells like a sewer. But what we need is marriage GPS, guys. Marriage GPS.

Wouldn't that be awesome? Tell us what to do. Guys don't know. Say something about her hair.

Hey, what's up with your hair? Recomputing. GPS though. That's funny. I love the GPS.

It's really cool. They used to have redneck GPS. Turn left at Walgreens.

You're gonna see a pit bull and a go-kart. But just keep it going. No, you went up. We're doing it again.

Doing it again. You need GPS. You ever been, I mean, because you ask people for directions, you know, and they don't, you know, a lot of people, they just don't know. You ever been in a small town, you have no idea how to get anywhere. You have some old guy for directions. Hey, how do I get to the mall? From here?

No, from Pakistan. I was gonna start from there. I think we have too much technology.

I don't know if you guys have seen this. The Quattro razor for men. Four blades. Four. It's too much.

I got one. It's like the first blade grabs the hair. The second blade grabs the hair a little bit lower. Third blade chops the hair off at the root. The fourth blade takes a hunk out of your cheek.

About the size of a teabag. Why don't they have a fifth blade put me out of my misery? Lazy technology. The electric toothbrush.

That always made me laugh. The electric toothbrush. What is brushing your teeth to? Strenuous an exercise for some people. Got people going.

Man, I am really feeling the burn here. Wish this thing had a motor on it. Why don't you just have electric deodorant? Like some people have, they have a rubber grip on their toothbrush.

Brushing your teeth too fast there? I need to get some stickum or something. The last year for Christmas I got the laziest gift for my kids.

They got me an alarm clock that projects the time onto the ceiling. Did y'all know how hard it is to go? No, no. This has got to stop right here.

This is where I need a Red Bull. This is taking it all out of me. You ever live with somebody that's lazy?

Isn't that fun? Living with a lazy person. My brother was the laziest individual in the world. My older brother.

You just saw him. He's a guy, he would never throw the milk jug away. He'd empty out a milk jug, put it right back in the fridge. I'm like, dude, throw the thing away. Ain't nothing in it. There's stuff in there. There's still milk in there.

So I get out to the light. I'm like, hmm. You mean that thin glaze at the bottom there?

Hoss? Oh, that's perfect, because I was gonna have a cornflake later. Yeah. And this is gonna get it nice and soggy. Uh-huh.

The luck is mine. Lazy folks. We are all lazy. You guys ever be putting gas in your car? And you know that little latch, that little kickstand that holds the thingy? Don't you hate it when that's broke? Don't you hate it?

Doesn't that just ruin your day? Here they're going, oh no! I gotta hold it now? Come on!

What are we in the middle ages? Let's go! I'm getting carpal tunnel over here. I want to sit in the car while it was pumping.

Listen to my motivational tapes. That ain't happening. Pumping gas, man. You guys ever pre-pay your gas? You give them like 10 bucks and they set the pump for you? Boy, that goes real fast into that last gallon for some reason. What's that all about? You're like, $1, $2, $3, $4, $5, $6, $7, $8, $9, $9.91, $9.91 and a half? Like, keep your eight cents. I got things to do.

I was in Florida not too long ago. I saw a sign on the gas pump that said, do not siphon gas with your mouth. You need that sign. Can you see some old boy one time and he's putting his gas in? Hmm. Well, put my card in. Flick that little switch. Maybe I need to start siphoning the gas with my mouth. Seems to be the next logical step. Maybe I need to start sucking on the end of this nozzle.

Do not try this at home. Y'all ever seen these commercials for these pills, this medication you take? It's like one pill for one thing, but they list like a hundred side effects.

Just like they're just scrolling for a minute. And you're thinking, is that really a good trade? That can't be a good trade. You got people going, well, I can take the headaches, nausea, and vomiting. It'll make my elbow feel better. It's really worth it. It is. I mean, I've been taking it. Oh, I can move it around, play with the kids.

I got full range of motion here. Crazy. I was watching the Cartoon Network with my kids recently. I saw a commercial like that. It was a pill for bladder control issues on the Cartoon Network. Bladder control pill. You know what the first side effect was?

Diarrhea. Like, no thanks. I'll take the lesser of two evils just now. Yeah, I'll mull that one over. Uh-huh.

No, I'll play the hand that fate has dealt me. Yeah, you go. Yeah. I noticed there's this woman's clothing store.

I see a lot around here. Woman's clothing store. The actual name of the store is The Dress Barn. The Dress Barn. That's the best name you could come up with.

That's the one you want to go with. I don't think I've ever taken my wife to a place called The Dress Barn. Let's go to The Dress Barn. Recomputing.

Sorry. Dress Barn. What are the people like that work at The Dress Barn? Can I help? That blouse is right over here. It's only 20.

The Dress Barn. But now I got three kids of my own. And, uh, it's like you try to give them good advice, you know. I try. I'm trying.

I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes parents would just fail at advice. I remember my mom when I was a kid. She used to give me good advice too late. Think about it. Good advice too late.

Like when I was a kid, I hit my head on the corner of the table. Careful. Boy, I'm sure glad you were there, hoss.

Who knows what would have happened, Nostradamus. Moms are a big help when you lose something, aren't they? You ever lose something, your mom is just not a help at all. Hey, mom, I can't find my wallet. Well, it's gotta be somewhere. It's like, that's good. I thought I was going crazy for a minute. I thought I was looking for something that didn't exist. Thank you. And then they go, where'd you leave it last?

You're good. Thanks, Captain Obvious. I was on a totally different track.

I was looking where I left it first. Mom was the worst nurse in the world. Some women, as parents and mothers, they just don't, you do the same thing no matter what's wrong with the kid.

You tell them to do the same thing, especially women in the South. When I was a kid, mom, I don't feel good. You need to go sit on the pot. You need to sit on the, yeah, it's ancient wisdom that only I can conceive. Go sit on the pot, you'll feel fantastic, I'm telling you. I think I broke my leg. You need to go sit on the pot. Okay, okay, I'm trusting you. It's still kind of throbbing, Marcus Welby.

I don't think this is it. I can see you're at my funeral. I told him to sit on the pot. I told him.

He never listens to me at all. Some of you ladies, look ladies, Vicks VapoRub does not cure everything. Rub some Vicks on it, okay.

It's bleeding. I don't care, just rub it in. You guys ever, you know, you go to bed, your mom puts that Vicks VapoRub on your chest all over. Wasn't that the longest night of your life? You're in there, huh.

I think I'm at Woodstock. My kids are crazy though, man. They're nuts. I tell you, I love them to death.

They're just nuts. I mean, I got a little boy. He's just like, he's little and just crazy. I was walking down the stairs one time.

I saw him eating a milk bone dog biscuit. He's my third child, so I let him. You parents know exactly what I'm talking about. You do. It's not that you don't love them as much. You just don't care about certain things.

You're just a little more lackadaisical about certain issues. Eating a milk bone, I'm like, sure, go ahead, eat the thing. It's probably good for his teeth. Look at that shiny coat. Look at that.

He's beautiful. Get the frisbee. Go get the frisbee. Get the frisbee. I don't know. When my son was three, he's like, boys, they just make up games like they want to hurt themselves.

They do. I'm like out in the backyard one time, my son comes out, hey dad, throw that brick at me and see if I can get out of the way. Damn, it's called dodge brick. It's great. Fling one right at my head and don't tell me when you throw it. I'll try to listen for the whiz.

He's my third child. Don't you judge me. Because it wasn't until that brick left my hand, I was thinking, this is probably not a good idea. Careful. Don't sit on the pot, son. I don't know why. Just do it. I got some vicks.

I'll be right back. I do a lot of comedy in churches, though. I go to some really cool churches and some really messed up ones. No offense. No offense. No offense.

I do. See, if you're not a Christian here, I mean, that's cool. We're glad you're here, but we, you know, Christians, they use language sometimes and like code. It's like it doesn't mean what we're saying. We have this phrase, servant's heart. You ever hear that phrase? Servant's heart.

Hear that all the time. Tim, you've got a servant's heart, dude. You have got a servant's heart. See, I hate it when somebody says I got a servant's heart. That means they want me to start stacking chairs.

You know. I love the way people talk about their church. It's like a code, you know.

It's another code. If you hear someone say about a place, I love it there. I love the music there. Well, that means the preaching stinks.

That's a bad word. Yeah, you see what I'm saying? Yeah, you know where I'm going with this. They say I love the music. Well, I love the preaching. That means the music stinks. Hear somebody say about a place, I love it there.

No one judges me, and I can be who I want to be. You're at a bar. That's where you are. Keepin' it real, folks.

Keepin' it real. I think the way we pray is, prayer is a powerful thing, but I think when you grow up in church, it's just you hear prayers all the time in different styles and stuff, and little quirks that people have when they pray. I don't know little phrases that I don't understand to this day. But we use the phrases, but that's just what we heard growing up.

We think that's just the right thing to say when we pray. You know, like, hedge of protection. You ever hear that?

Hear that a lot. Hedge of protection. Damn, we are praying a hedge of protection around you, buddy. That's right, a hedge around you and your whole family. A hedge, huh?

I don't mean to complain. Is that the best you can do? How about a thick cement wall with some razor wire on top of that bad boy? Hedge of protection. Good set of clippers get right through that thing. I'm sure the devil's got a set of those. I mean, you think a hedge is gonna scare the devil away?

What is this greenery? I can't get through that. Move that bush.

My greatest weakness is landscaping. How do they know? That's how the devil walks. Like, whoa, he has a pointy tail. He doesn't want to step on his tail. And he talks like a game show host. Fantastic.

You get the turtle legs. Forget the last 30 seconds ever happened in your life, I know. Some people, like, when they pray, they get nervous and they say just too much. You know, you're praying in small groups and it's like, Lord, I just want to just, we just, we just come to you just in the spirit of just, we just, just in justliness and justification and just, we just, and you're like, just finish the prayer. You're just not ready for this. Start stacking chairs.

Come back next week and try again. My dad does this when he prays. He uses his father way too much when he prays. Father, we come to you, Father, in the spirit of Father. Father, you are Father.

We come to you, Father, Father, just just, Father, Father, just, just just, Father, Father. You don't talk to your friends like that. Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed.

He wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that. Like, he keeps saying Ed. My name's Joe. The best though is the way people, the way they pray over food. That's the We pray over food. We don't know why we say it.

You ever heard this one? Lord, bless this food and the hands that prepared it. The hands that prepared it. Why not the whole body? No.

Just the hands. It's like Jurassic Park. I love this one over food. Sometimes we pray over food and ask God to make up for our bad choices when we eat.

That's funny. Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. Lord, bless this bag of Cheetos.

And this Jumbo Dr. Pepper, Lord. Somehow make this nourish us in some way. I don't know how you're going to do it, Father, but we just trusting you now. Father, change the molecular structure of this food. This complete trash we're about to shove in our gullet. Change the Cheeto into a carrot stick on the way down. Spirit of low carb, rain down on me now. I'll pray a hedge of protection around my pancreas, Lord.

Right now. Intervene. Well, we're going to have to end right there. I'm so sorry to say. This has been a great message from Tim Hawkins on Focus on the Family. And Jim, I think we've all been right where he was. We sure have, John.

And more times than I can count. And I hope Tim's message has helped you unwind a little bit and have a good laugh. Before we wrap up today, I just want to remind you that Focus on the Family is listener supported. We rely on your gifts to stay on the air. So please partner with us as we share the hope of Christ with families who really need it. And when you make a donation of any amount, I'd like to send you the DVD of this message from Tim Hawkins with lots of extra content. Including some song parodies that Tim does so well. I know you're going to enjoy it. Yeah, that DVD is so fun.

And once again, it's called Full Range of Motion. Ask for it when you call 800, the letter A in the word family. 800-232-6459. Or follow the link in the episode notes to donate to the work of Focus and request that DVD. Next time, tune in for some practical advice on how to improve your relationship with a Gen Z child. If you've messed up, there's always grace.

And your kids actually want to see that. That is a great model of faith because we know that we're born sinners. And we're saved by grace. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast.

Please take a moment and leave a rating for us and share about this episode with a friend who could use a laugh today. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Help thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.