Passing Your Faith On To Your Kids

Hello, I'm John Fuller, and today is the National Day of Prayer, the first Thursday in May where we pause to thank the Lord for his blessings and ask for his ongoing protection and provision for our great nation. Here are some thoughts about the importance of prayer and why God encourages us to pray from a conversation that Jim Daly and I had with Jody Behrendt on a recent Focused on the Family episode. For a lot of years, you know, you don't really know how to pray or if you're doing it right. And I thought, okay, I'm going to ask God for something. And then if it happens, it must have been a good prayer.

And if not, you know, maybe I did it wrong or didn't, whatever. And it felt very transactional. And yet as you look at Christ's model for prayer, right, it's all about connection. And this new book really came out of about two years of me just spending time in John 15. And it's the hours right before his crucifixion. And he's hanging out with the disciples, you know, his closest companions, and you think, golly, what does he want to say, you know, what would we say to our closest friends if we knew our time was short? And you think all the stuff he could have talked about, you know, he could have talked about evangelism, he could have talked about how to preach a really great three point sermon, he could have talked about feeding 5000 people again, you know, let's go over that one again, because that seems very useful. But he doesn't, he really drills down in those last words on prayer. And he says, and I think this is one of the most remarkable promises in all of Scripture, he says, if you remain in me, or if you abide in me, and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it'll be done for you. And so he's telling them, let's not just have it transactional, let's have it be a connection point.

Here at Focus on the Family, we want to encourage you to pray to make that connection with God today. God's design is so thorough and so effective, that you are discipling your children right now. You are discipling them, you're discipling your children, you're discipling your grandchildren.

There's no way around it. God's design is so thorough, so good that you are making disciples. The question is, what are you discipling them in? That's Pastor Matt Chandler describing the really important responsibility that God has given every mom and dad to, and grandparent as well, to disciple our children. Today on Focus on the Family, we're going to be looking at how to pass on your faith to the next generation. And your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly, I'm John Fuller.

Hey John, we're in Dallas, and great to be here with two good friends. And we're going to address the number one concern that parents contact us at Focus on the Family, and that's how can I pass on my faith to my kids, and help train my kids, and disciple my kids in the way of the Lord. You know, Deuteronomy 6 is so clear, it instructs us, no, it commands us to diligently train our kids.

And as parents, we're called to do that. But in the hustle and bustle of life, and I talk to a lot of guys, how do I do that? You know, between everything and everything else going on. So we're going to put that tool in your hand today, and these gentlemen have written a wonderful book that I want to get into your hands. Yeah, and let me just say, many of us feel inadequate, we're too busy, we don't know how to start, and so maybe even we feel like, I'm not really engaged at church, I'm not sure my kids are engaged, now what do I do? And so we are glad to have a couple of guests with us, or we're their guests, I'm not sure, Jim, how that works.

It is what it is. We're talking today to Matt Chandler. Matt Chandler is the lead pastor of the Village Church, and Adam Griffin is lead pastor at Eastside Community Church here in the Dallas area. Together, these gentlemen have written a book, it's called Family Discipleship, Leading Your Home Through Time, Moments, and Milestones. And we'll encourage you to get a copy of this book from Focus on the Family.

Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, and the link is in the show notes. Matt and Adam, welcome to Focus on the Family. Thanks for having us, so glad to be here. Kind of surreal to be sitting here. It's great. Focus on the Family has been such a big deal. Well, thanks for hosting us.

No, happy to do it. Well, let's start with that fear, and you know, let me, my wonderful wife, she would be a self-confessed perfectionist. And I think it's in that category where a lot of Christian parents, you know, we can't do it really well, we may shrink back from doing it at all, and I can identify with that. This idea of discipleship with your kids, we don't want to mess them up.

So there's a lot of fear that can be there. But man, we got to jump in, right? Yes, sir. Absolutely.

So how do we do that? Well, I think one of the important things to remember is we're not trying to raise perfect kids, we're raising kids prepared to be messed up, right? All of us have sin in our lives, so if we present a picture to our kids that you have to be perfect to be a Christian, then we're presenting something unattainable for our kids. So it's okay to let our kids see that mom and dad make mistakes too, it's okay for mom and dad to confess and repent in front of their kids so that our kids can be prepared when they face a problem, when they fall short to go, okay, this is normal in the Christian life, this is how a Christian responds to their own personal failure. And a parent demonstrating that actually is really powerful.

It's so good. Why do you think, Matt, why do we shrink back from that? I mean, we could probably do that every day multiple times. Well, I think we've probably been poorly discipled ourselves. I think there's probably a reductionist view and understanding of the gospel. A lot of what Christian Smith called moralistic therapeutic deism has kind of leaked into the church, and so it's much easier as a parent to just kind of say, these are the rules, don't break them, than it is to see our children through the lens of the gospel on their own journey like we are. So if I look at my 19-year-old, 16-year-old, and 12-year-old, so I'm quite a bit ahead of where Adam is right now in raising kids. I think the most profound, if they could come in today, probably the more profound shaping force of my life has not been that I'm always nailing it. But those times when I went into their room after I'd blown it and just said, hey, all this stuff about Jesus, daddy needs it too.

And what you just saw is that daddy's not where the Lord wants him to be or that he wants himself to be. And so I wanna ask you to forgive me. I'm gonna try to do better.

I'll probably blow it again, but will you forgive me? I think that more than anything else we did, and the consistency. You said it, we could do it every day. The consistency at which we did that created a space of safety for our kids to not hide from us when they were struggling or doubting or we became a safe container simply because we were willing to own our own shortcomings and failures.

And there's so much in that. I can actually remember the first time I did that with Trent. And it may have been the reason I remember it was because of his response. He's 21 now, but I remember he was six years old and he had done something wrong and we had the discipline moment. And he then went off to bed and he was in the top bunk bed.

Of course, he's the older brother, so he get the top. So I'm looking at him kind of eyeball to eyeball. And I said, you know what? I'm sorry, I overreacted to that situation that was wrong of me. And he had this big smile on his face. I was like, what's so funny?

And he goes, I didn't know parents had to apologize. Come on. Isn't that amazing? Come on. Did you have that kind of moment? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. I mean, like I said, I can think of one in particular where with my oldest daughter, we were in a season that we were scared. We looked like she was heading some spaces that were terrifying to us there somehow. And it's funny how it happens.

Maybe this will be helpful. There felt like there, there became this kind of chasm between us where we had been so kind of tightly knit together as a family. And I knew, I mean, I could feel that I was not safe for her. I was reading into every little thing as defiance. I had kind of grown hardened towards her. Then I just said, hey, I know I'm not a safe place for you right now. And I need you to forgive me.

And she was like, well, dad, what happened? I was like, no, no, no, this isn't about... I don't wanna get into right or wrong.

We'll probably see that different ways. I'm saying I'm supposed to be a safe place for you to navigate this season of your life. And I have not been a safe place for you and I'm asking you to forgive me. And then she just grabbed me and we both just wept for about... And that was a significant turning point in that season where I think she was anxious and nervous trying to find her way. I was anxious and nervous as she was trying to find her way, but not finding her way the way maybe I would like for her to find her way.

And there's real... Nothing's more primal in us than our kids. Nothing can tap into that primal kind of protection, fear, instinct like our kids can, like nobody has that kind of power over us. And man, I'd played it really poorly and yet owning it and that I can point to that moment as a significant marker, not when we agreed about the behavior of the discipline, not when we kind of made peace about the way she was trying to work through it, simply by me saying, I'm supposed to be safe and I'm not safe right now. Matt, as you describe that, what I'm sensing is the dad, I'll just concentrate this comment on those dads that didn't recognize that moment. That becomes kind of the bedrock of that relationship and it's not a healthy one.

And then that little girl is 10 and then 13 and then 15. And if that dad has not rectified that, there's a whole lot of pain that's out in front of you. And I think a lot of Christian homes, that's one of the things I'm trying to say, formulas don't work because there's something called free will. I'm sure when Jesus, when God created Adam and Eve, he was like, ah, the formula didn't work. He's the father of a bunch of teenagers called us.

We all have free will. But in that context, what advice would you give that dad? He's hearing this right now going, wow, I blew that chance. What would you say to that dad with maybe slightly older kids now? How do you rewind that and say, okay, I heard something today?

Well, the first thing I would say is to hopefully breathe for a second and know we've all blown it. And so your instinct of, oh man, I've ruined this is not a good instinct. It's the father of lies. It's the enemy. Like what our God does is redeem. And what is redemption except taking this broken thing, this stupid thing, this moronic thing you said, this compulsion that you gave into rather than being wise and filled with the grace and mercy of Christ. And now redemption is what? It's owning it so that the forgiving, transforming power of Jesus through the Holy Spirit can fill it.

I know even in our congregation, 60 year old dads who go back to grown children now and say, hey, listen, I have just been made aware of this by the spirit. Will you please forgive me? And if I could go back into, I would do that so different.

In fact, here's how I would do that. If I could go back in time, but I can't, and I know I hurt you and I should have been a safer place for you. Will you please forgive me? The profound power of that on even a grown child and then on your grandchildren is unbelievable. So you will not out sin the cross of Christ. You're just not going to be able to do it. And what the enemy wants is for you to hyper fixate on the places that you blew it so that you won't step into what God has for you in the now. And so I tell every man, I can't just own it. Just own it. And well, I don't think they'll forgive me. You don't get to control that. We don't control outcomes. We control faithful obedience.

So don't worry about the outcome. Own it. If they want to hold onto it and hate you for it, they can ultimately, the Holy Spirit will deal with them in time, but own it and own all of it that you can. And then let the spirit do the spirit's work. And of course this is moms too.

Not just dads, but moms too. Let me get into the content of the book. You talk about indoctrination in there. Of course, everybody Brussels indoctrination, but as Christian parents, we are trying to indoctrinate to give the doctrine of the gospel to our kids. It's not a bad word, right? Yeah.

For sure. I think there's a cultural sentiment that says you're not parenting well unless you're letting your kid make decisions about their faith for themselves. And when the reality is what kind of parent who calls himself a loving parent wouldn't tell their kids something they know is true or protect them from something they know is damaging.

And so as Christians, when we know that there's a way, truth and life, and it's only through Jesus Christ, it would be so unloving of the Christian to say, indoctrination sounds like brainwashing to me. So I'm not going to tell them the truth of Jesus Christ. When the reality is everyone else is going to be trying to tell them a truth. Everyone else is going to be trying to tell your kid something counter to the gospel, something that will drag them away. And so for you, when you're following the command of Christ to be the one loudest voice in their life to say, here's where your foundation is, everything else is sinking sand and be unloving to give them anything different. When you're doing that, talk about volume. Because some of us as parents, we can really raise the volume and think we're being successful. I will say it louder and I would say it more often, but that's not really what you're saying. You got to connect to the heart.

You got to disciple on the move. You got to do it in a way that's engaging, not talking at them. Well, something that Matt touched on that is crucial to this whole conversation is that so much of what we want to talk about when it comes to content or what we talk about when it comes to theology, it should all be rooted in our efforts to try to create a safe relationship with our kids where anything can be talked about.

Yeah, that's good. And there's not a fear of confessing sin. There's not a fear of saying, here's what I'm struggling with or here's a word.

I don't know what it means. Just fostering that kind of conversation from a very young age is foundational to what we're trying to do and discipling our kids. Okay, let me ask though, for the parent that may not have that kind of relationship, what environment do I need to lay out there for that child to trust that they can say anything to me and I will still love them? Because I think that's a risk for the child.

Absolutely. That's why cultivating personal vulnerability is really important and having a clear grace-filled home where we can say, are there going to be consequences for mistakes? Sure, there'll be consequences, but there's going to be forgiveness as well. Forgiveness and consequences are not mutually exclusive. We can say, because this happened, we're going to do this as a family, but my love for you is not at risk.

The Lord's love for you is not at risk. I am still with you for you. I'm trying to help you navigate difficult things. It's because of my love for you that we're going to do these things.

And then also to share vulnerable mom and dad also have made, do make, will make similar mistakes that you have. Matt, here is the golden question. You're ready, John? You're going to solve this. So Jean and I with the kids, she did chemistry major. She makes pancakes, precisely one cup of flour, precisely a quarter cup of water, whatever. I'm like throw it together and it kind of looks right.

Yeah. So we, I mean, it's funny, but that's kind of how we approach family devotion. She wanted a 30 minute time together, seven o'clock. We're going to do five minutes of songs. We're going to do five minutes of reading. We're going to do some Q and A and we're going to wrap it in prayer. And I'm like, uh oh.

And it's good. That stability is good. That understanding is good.

But having two boys, you got to know your kids too. They're kinetic energy, right? Man, they're going off the wall. So I'm like saying, Jean, I think we got to kind of do it on the move. You know, let's go outside. Let's, I'm doing that when I'm driving them to school, talking about the Lord. That's our devotional time together. But you know, couples can get into a bit of a problem here because one spouse wants devotions this way.

The other one wants it. So, okay, solve the problem. That's great.

Thank you. Um, I didn't realize we were talking about marriage on this one. So I think there can be, and Adam can speak to this also. Um, I think there can be a kind of hybrid, um, experience where what you're looking for is, um, as best you can, the consistency to actually have some sort of devotional and what both parents, regardless of, I like it a little bit more free willing to, I got it down to the seconds need to realize is the number of times that it comes off, like you hope it comes off is rare and they're hearing you more than you think they are. And so one of the things when Adam and I were working on this when he was actually here at TBC was this, was this kind of fun conversation around like sometimes my goal in family devotional was just to be able to finish it before I just send somebody to the room or hand out a weapon. Uh, I mean it was just the goal. Like how can, like all I want tonight is to actually do this and feel like anybody's with me except our dog Woodrow who thinks that my Bible's a snack because no one else seems to be paying it.

Not even Lauren, I lost Lauren. I thought this was good stuff. And so, but what I found over the years is they heard so much more than I thought they did. And so I think it matters less, although I do think it's good to know your kids, the stage that they're in. Um, they're kind of bents and compulsions. Uh, if there are better spaces, mornings, evenings, if there are times where they're a little bit more quiet, my kids got the closer we got to bedtime, the wilder they got. It felt like they want, like I will not, they were going to fight sleep. And so evenings were terrible for us because nobody would sit still because to sit still is to feel tired and to feel tired is to go to bed.

And my kids all have what they got from their mama, a bad case of FOMO. What happens when we go to bed? What are we missing out on? And so evenings weren't great for us. So we had to find other times and other places and spaces and, uh, but what I'm hearing is flexibility.

Flexibility is huge. And I do think the, you're going to be frustrated if you think revival's breaking out or that there's going to be weeping and repentance in your family devotional. But I like that idea of going in the same direction over a long haul.

That's it. And saying, you know, this things that your kids will catch over time, even if you don't think they're listening to you at the moment, Adam, you also, you, you speak in the book about choosing life versus for your kids. I've done that for myself. I never thought about that for my kids.

That's a great idea. Well, people, we started asking questions from people from the time our kids were infants. How can we disciple a kid who's illiterate and doesn't speak yet?

And all he does is scream at me, you know, and other things, you got to clean them up in every way. Uh, so we picked some verses for our sons. I have three boys and we started saying those verses over those kids, even before they could speak and praying them over them now. And now they've memorized them, recite them. And now even in moments of discipline, they're what we rely on.

So I'll just use my oldest son. For example, we talk about from the book of Corinthians, how he's to be on the alert and stand firm in the faith, act like a man and be strong and let everything you do be done in love. And we come back to that all the time with, Hey, do you feel like what you just did was done in love?

When we're talking about his behavior, when we're talking about things that are around, are you on the alert? Are you looking for the fact that every inclination of your heart may not be the wisest thing to pursue beyond the alert, and then we're going to stand firm in the faith. So it's a verse we say over him as a blessing every night, but it's also something we build his life upon my words. You guys know, we'll pass away anything that Matt and I put in this book will pass away except for those words of the word of God. So, so we want to build our discipleship on for our kids.

I love the authenticity and the vulnerability. And we're talking today on focus on the family with Matt Chandler and Adam Griffin. They've written a book family discipleship, leading your home through time, moments and milestones. Contact us for your copy.

Our number and the link are in the show notes. Matt, you mentioned the power of spiritual lessons and milestones speak to the recognition as parents. How do we stay perceptive to that moment, identify a milestone and then act on it? So I think our hope in the book is to let any parent anywhere just to whisper in their ear, you can do this.

Like you can, this is not something that's been set up for the spiritual elite. You can do this. And so there are already built into your life as a person, significant milestones.

And so what we did is look at the already milestones that are there and now let's just build around it. And so two that are most consistent for us is one, I had terminal brain cancer that hadn't been so terminal about 13 years ago. And so we have like any, I had to go, I still have to go out and just went and got a scan on Monday. I have to go in and get scanned still as they look to see is this thing coming back or how do we keep an eye on this? And, and then my family is always on clear scan night, always had like a big kind of celebratory feast. So where do you kids wanna go?

Where do you, and we just talk about the goodness of God and lengthening days and his faithfulness. And so that that's a milestone that's just distinct to my family. We all feel the anxiety of the scan.

We all know what's at stake. And so to feast and to rejoice together over clear scans, or if it ever comes about, which we don't think it will, I think Jesus healed me, but if we ever get to that day of lament, then we've already got a rhythm of now we're gonna gather, we're gonna lament. We've spent 13 years celebrating and now we're gonna lament. But a huge one for us that actually has kind of become a part of our church family here now is what's been a true rite of passage party for our kids. So when my children have turned 13 years old, we have their party with their friends and do that whole thing. And then we have a rite of passage party that's just grownups. And with my daughters, it's a bunch of grown women that have been around them since they were born or know them best in this season.

It could be either one of those. And then I'm tend to be the only man. And then when my son turned 13, it was a bunch of men and then his mom, Lauren, was the only woman in the room. And we wanna take time that night to just speak into that child, the distinct God-given beauty that God's put into them.

And they're going to just call out right in a letter what they see in her and call it out. So for my son, it was, you are very aggressive and you are very tender and please don't ever pick one of those over the other. And every man that's spoken to his life had some version of that.

Don't fold into one or another to be a man is to have both. Now, here's what's crazy. He's 16 right now. And at 15, he was just going through some struggles. So I literally had him stand in the living room in front of me and his mom and read through three of those 10 letters that were written to him by men in his life.

And you could watch him as he read, you could watch his chest come back out as he read. And he was reminded, this is you, Reed Chandler. This isn't like wherever we put you, this is what you'll do. You are aggressive and that shouldn't be tamped down. Be aggressive.

And you're kind and tender. Be that kind of man. Don't let the world... The world's gonna wanna take one of those from you. Don't let them ever take either one from you. And then we always close either with a specific gift or a lot of times, like with Reed, I just had him hold open his hand and I just had all the men come and grab his hands, looking dead in his face and say, I'm on your team.

So Reed's big into sports. And so like, I'm flanking you. I'm on your side.

Let me know how I can serve you. And then we lay hands and we bless them. And not only have we done that now with our three kids, but all of our friends have done that.

I've used that as an illustration from the stage multiple times. I've put it in the book and here at the village, it's kind of become a normal, hey, Write a Passage is 13. And then we have other ones, but that's probably enough to get an idea of 13, like you're becoming a teenager. So let's mark that because being a teenager is different. It's way different than being a third grader or a fourth grader.

There's all sorts of biological things happening, hormonal things happening. There are all sorts of things happening. You do feel the pull of independence and the constraints of childhood. Yeah. That's so well said because that's where a parent is at. Oh, absolutely. And controlling parents will struggle in that moment. So you've got to let go. Oh, absolutely.

And then at the same time, that child needs to take on that responsibility. And to be able to say in a time of peace and celebration, we're gonna get in some fights. Yeah. And that's normal. And you need to know, I love you and we're gonna make our way through it.

Yeah. That is so good. Man, the time has flown by. This has been so good. I was like, wow, that's a dose of Parenting 101. And man, what a great book, Family Discipleship, leading your home through time, moments and milestones.

And we just barely scratched it. So I hope folks will get a copy of the book and we'll make that as easy as possible. Join us in ministry. We'll send it as our way of saying thank you. If you can't afford it, we'll get it to you. I'm trusting others. We'll cover the cost of that. So just get in touch with us. And we believe in the resource and what these gentlemen have done to encourage parents to do the best job they can do in discipling their kids, which, as I said at the beginning, is job number one.

Yeah. And you can do it. Parents, you can do it. You can do it. I don't care what your background is, what you're struggling with right now, how much of a mess you feel. You can do this. You can do it. And if you're struggling, call the counseling line.

Come on. We also have counselors. That's it. Call them and say, hey, I'm struggling. And then they'll give you some great ideas on how to move forward.

Yeah. Wherever you are in your parenting journey, give us a call. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459. Or stop by our website.

The details are in the show notes. And Jim, we should also mention our Live It Challenge campaign that we have here at Focus on the Family. Yeah.

This is connected to Bring Your Bible to School, which is the first Thursday of October. And we've done it for several years. And hundreds of thousands of kids participate. And the Live It Challenge is just to help these kids live it 365 days a year, not just one day. So they can go to the website and learn more about that.

Yeah. So stop by the website. Give us a call.

Donate as you can. And know that Focus on the Family is committed to helping you be the best parents you can be. Once again, our number is 800, the letter A, and the word family.

Matt and Adam, it's been great. Thanks for being here. Thanks for letting us come into your church here at The Village. Oh, come on. Thank you, guys.

What an impressive facility. Really? Yeah. Okay. I'll take that.

How many people have said that? But we'll take it. Well, on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thank you for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. In light of the Supreme Court's recent decision on abortion, are you ready for what comes next? And how should we respond as emotions run high?

As Christians, we need to be ready. Focus on the Family can help you prepare. Join us every Monday to hear inspiring stories from people who faced their own pro-life moments and experienced God's love. To learn more, go to focusonthefamily.com slash Seize Your Moment. That's focusonthefamily.com slash Seize Your Moment.