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September 28, 2021 6:00 am
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Working their lines and even their trombones and let them forget their Bible. There is a October 7 is bring your bike across the nation and encourage your kids to carry their Bible and empower them with Joshua 19 them to let God's word honored held and heard and never forgotten your voice heard. Sign up for your Bible. If you are faithful because failure is not dependent upon your child's choices are behavior, it's about you walking with them. That's crystal.
She joins us today on Focus on the Family to assure journey of allowing God's love to transform prepared your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly is on John for Joe. We talked to many parenting experts say to let go and allow your kids to make mistakes but it's a lot easier said than done right. In reality, many parents spend their days frustrated my experience of other kids behavior because I think we can own too much of it reflects upon us and that never is good when they're not deep in the room clean and they're not doing the things they need to do if you can relate to this. It's worth considering what's at the root of your fear when it comes to your parenting style and I'm I'm speaking like I said to myself, Jean and I we have battled us because we wanted certain perfection out of our boys and really Jean led the way she was so good at turning the corner going you know what we gotta love our kids first and foremost, and I guess that is why I'm excited today to talk to her – is written a great book love centered parenting and I always am looking for this kind of content for you to hear because I think this is at the core of many of the problems we face in Christian families. I would agree.
Jim and I were so glad crystal pain is with us.
She's known as the money-saving mom and that's the name of her very popular website Crystal and her husband Jesse have four children and she's written as you said, this book love centered parenting than no field guide to launching your kids and of course we do have copies of that here at the ministry.
Just click the link in the episode notes or call one 800 the letter a in the word family crystal welcome back to Focus on the Family. I'm so excited to be back care. I love this topic. I hope you heard that in the opening. I mean I been waiting to talk to somebody especially her mom about this because it just seems to be at the core of so many issues in Christian families, particularly as we have this drive toward living life as perfectly as we can and then we lay it on our kids to to do that as well and they've got growing pains to go through Brighton. Yes, it's hard to describe your family. Let's start there before turning toward a love-based parenting style.
What in your family look like like it all started with me that I had so much stress, I constantly felt like I wasn't doing and I was constantly going to bed, psychoanalyzing and second-guessing myself passionate on that.
Why do I do that. Why do I respond like that and he felt this weight on me that it was never an math and that everyone else was doing it so much better than me and I was just constantly failing my kids and was also that weight of my reputation, I cared so much what other people thought of me as a parent and it just was constant exhaustion and stress. There was a moment where this kind of became the moment of awareness. I think you're dropping when her children off at school and something went down the got your attention.
What happened yes so four years ago and I kids are going to this little Christian school and my husband was dropping the three of them off and the principal met him and said I need to meet with you and your wife and one of a specific child after school and he came home and he told me this new psych. This is not that we just both felt like we don't know what this is about something really bad is about to go down and we are just kind of trying to think through everything that happened last week and we couldn't come up with what could this be what I go off as and the principal tells us that our child had done something that had broken the school's code of conduct and is very serious and that swift action needed to be taken and we are just really blindsided by the whole thing because it just happened the day before.
We thought everything was fine like we had never the day before it was just a normal day and our child had really hidden this, and then wasn't even willing to you in the principal's office.
Admit that they had done and it took a long time for child actually say no I did I did that and so then we spent the next few weeks really meeting with families and unpacking and trying to figure out what is going on.
How did we miss this and finding out that there was so much more than just this one incident and that's really hard is that. To feel like you've completely missed something that your child is really struggling with enema and struggling with for months. In fact, we found out that a lot of the other parents have been talking a lot of them have gone to the principal and and that that even labeled our child a bully and we were clueless. I get that because you see one side of your child at home and you don't totally Dilantin and you're just moving along blindly. So I think a lot of parents could relate to that situation and you know when you get that phone call from a friend saying hey you know my son told me that your son or what have you in the deal with that right so you ended up you did get into some therapy for this child of the therapist at some interesting challenges for you but for you, not necessarily for your child.
What was that about, yes. So it really spiraled out our child. This kind of was the straw that broke the camels back because then everything Connie came to the surface and they became extremely vitriolic and then there their anxiety was that the roof and then his depression and then it turned into suicidal and things that they were saying we ended up in the ER and was a really scary time as a parent and we are finally able to get our child into therapy and I would never just sitting across from therapist at that initial meeting child wasn't there and just think, if there is anything you can come up with that I can change your day would you please let me know because I'm just at a loss and a few weeks later after therapy with our child therapist call me back in after she dismissed her child and she said I think you're trying so hard to sticks your child will look like to just walk with them instead to be a bit of a shock right and started paying attention because a person is like. Thanks.
Trying to walk with them. Then I paid attention to my responses and when something was going wrong. When a child is acting out when they were arguing or fighting. Are they done something I would instantly just swoop in and try to fix it. I guy needed to get into certain we needed to take care of this meaning into a trust this and so much of my time was spent correcting games and very little time is spent actually connecting with them, you had a similar experience.
I remember taking my sons. I took him on something that focuses her adventures in fatherhood and cigarette in the wilderness you're in a small group of about five or six beds with daughter son were sitting around the campfire one night and God is asking Troy my younger some questions. I found myself jumping and I was if you didn't answer them quickly enough, and I was like what Troy enjoys this letter finally turned Manderson when Charlotte Troy answer the question. It was like a brick wall that got my attention and that's one of the things that I was trying to over parent was trying to bolster his responses right give him a little juice. Help them with what to think about, say, so I totally just but that had to be such a serious time for you and your husband and your child. Yes it was and I think for me it really I hit rock bottom as a parent and just I realized what I'm doing is not working and something needs to change and sell when the therapist said that to me. I started to usually eat looking inward and digging into what is the root that's why do I feel like I need to be fixing my child why am I trying to be my child's Savior and Holy Spirit. While I think it all depends on. This is a really heavy weight to carry and as I dug into that and started a new test really paying attention.
I realized it went back to a dysfunctional view of God that I didn't realize how much I was loved by God, and I was parenting so much in order to earn approval from others and earn approval from God. I thought I could just be a good parent, then other people would think well of me. I cared so much about my reputation and it was that reputation not relationship with my kids and I just had to take more into that and I realized that there were so many lies that I was believing about myself that in the failure in the stake. I'm not a math and just on and on and on it went and I was living in those lies in letting those lies in the labels I wore and that I lead with parentage from Crystal so refreshing to hear such vulnerable expression of what we go through his parents and I guess one of the questions I have for the mom was trying to think of where she's at right now and she has been able to make the leap. She recognizes the load she feels that burden like what it was for you to lay your head on the pillow and just go after yourself for not being the perfect mom.
How would you encourage someone who still there point a to get to point B. There's no formula to do that is a recognition of I'm doing this out of my own strength. All things that you're saying is that mom was sitting right where I met what would you say to her to stop and look at this differently.
How do you disengage in that behavior that you have and reengage with the Lord and do it better. I would say just over the next 24 hours. Pay attention to the narrative, the words that you say about yourself and the words that you allow in your head.
Are you constantly going to places that aren't true.
And what does God actually say about you in his word. You have redeemed your chosen you I loved you are forgiven you are beautiful. When he looks at you as a child of God. He sees Jesus you're covered in the blood and so if you're constantly going around saying I'm a failure. I'm a mistake. Everything that I do is just a disappointment to everyone in my life and you're just beating yourself up as a mom living in lies crystal. I really want to get into some practical help for those moms who are going okay this is me on what is not what I do and in your book you mention.
For important choices and parenting. The first one being leaned in and love. I think you're alluding to that a couple times early, got to listen describe more fully what Lena love looks like yes and it's interesting because the subtitle of the book is a Novell guide to lunch your kids and people like will how can you eat out really say that no field height, but it's because you can't fail if you are faithful because failure is not dependent upon your child's choices are behavior, it's about you walking with them and so leaning in and loving them. It's this posture and letting God's love flow through you and I truly believe that as parents we have this desire to love our kids that until we have that wellspring of love and understanding how much were left by God, we can't wholeheartedly love our kids until we got to get this right inside for us before we can really pour out had slept, leaning in love is a great concept, let me play the provocateur here in Arizona so yeah that's all good. Love is good but disciplines important to the need to know the boundaries and how do you relate to that parent that maybe we think strongly about direction numbers are good at your kids discipline.
That's all true but how do you do that, leaning in and loving them.
First off I would say what is that desire for boundaries where is that coming from.
What is the rate at that and is it is it about your own need to control is their feelings. A great question is why our pride or selfishness. A lot of times at the root of us feeling like we want to discipline our kids, it's that need to control it's our own fear of what the future's gonna look like it's her own pride of what other people think about our parenting or it's our own selfishness.
Because we like to be easier and so if we set these boundaries to make our life easier. So really getting to the rate at is out of love for kids is out of our own dysfunctional junk that we need to deal with good questions that Lena and love you have experience where I think you asked your kids very brave question is apparent what address and how do they respond yes so we tried just had this open door policy with our kids, especially as we had the shift into letting them come to us and tell us things where we're being hypocritical, which is really hard but when I we are on a trip. It was of years ago and we just ask because you road trips are great for having family conversations everybody has to be a part of the car and so we just asked them what do I do is apparent that makes you feel loved and what I do is apparent to me. She felt unloved and it was fascinating. The responses that so much of it dealt with it.
We didn't listen well, you know that we would just kind of jumped into preaching a sermon or just telling them what they should do, telling them what they should now or that we just weren't taking enough time with its quality and quantity time just really looking into their eyes and letting them know I care about you.
I value what you have to say and it's not just about my own agenda for you.
There is on your troubles. Being disrespectful which one you do that they knew the consequences for their actions. What would happen and how did you manage that one.
While there's been many times disrespectful to write a parenting book because I have not figured out just make that when the times it was just there had been this thing that I told her child and if you do this, there's a consequence, the child had done it and come back to them and it said you know, okay, there's this consequence and then there was just this thing in my heart over the next day that I felt like God wanted me to go back and actually take away that consequence and say I'm in a let you do this thing that dad wanted to do that, taken away and when I went to them and said that my child is such mean they said what, that's grace. And it was just that recognition of you know I'm not saying I feel like choices have consequences, but everyone smiled at the Holy Spirit is prompting you sometimes brought child to see us extend grace to them and that open up the door for just a conversation about how much grace God has poured on us that we don't deserve, and some using those opportunities as just the opening of the door to a conversation to point our kids to the Lord.
I think that that's ultimately what we want to do is just pointing them to Jesus in our everydayness of life.
You know, I think we it's really profound what you're saying because I think we miss the important teaching to Churchill about God's grace we lean into the rules and tell them what God expects of us, but we don't make it in general here, but I don't think we do enough to teach about God's grace must a great example of how your kids caught one child okay so we lean in love.
That's one of the four choices we as parents make the next is to listen well. I love this one because I'm terrible and I'm usually talking over so how do we stop and truly listen well so we come with this attitude I Watch you and I want to lean in and just expressed not in this hot and asked them questions so often when something is happening. I will jump to conclusions or projects.
My own beliefs on what has happened. Whether you get an email from school or a call from school, or a friend tells you something your child later another child tells you something your child that and I'll just go into all my goodness I can't believe they did that and we just need to get this taken But to lean into. Listen well means that take a breath and ask them questions person so one of the things often do think it to say, tell me what happened in the situation I got this email today from school. Can you explain what happened, giving them the opportunity to explain it to me first versus me just jumping into. I cannot believe that you did not sell often that will open up the door to a conversation that we never would have had if I just jumped on then and gone to okay will. Here's the consequence and I challenge first recognizes. Literally this morning James told me Troy Margaret Doolittle we can road trip and she said no. When you*question if you sitting silently. Don't fill it in for him. So until you know I'm trying to be better.
The third one is the choice to lead with humility. This can be really hard for parents to but I totally agree with this crystal. This is so important, I think I kids need to see that were not perfect. Yes, I think it's important that they recognize how much we need Jesus and that without him we are not able to do life and so leading with humility involves sometimes claim back to kids and asking for forgiveness, which is really hard to do but I want to say let's make this a practice that is normal in our home because we are going to fail.
We are going to mess up. We are going to make mistakes. And so for us to go back, try kids when we've responded out of anger or when we haven't handled the situation well. We haven't listen. We shut them down to go back and say you know yesterday when that happened I just didn't respond to you. Well, would you please forgive me. I'm really working on this in my life and I also really just opens up the door for our kids to then come to us and share when they are struggling and for our kids to see how we need Jesus to point them to look to Jesus when they're going through hard times to us about parenting. You can do really.
The fourth one is letting go of your child what what crystal you crazy. Obviously it's age-appropriate. What a three-year-old go, but you know talk to that issue of letting go.
If your mom and dad of young children.
You're saying want to talk about your mom and dad of 15 1617-year-old you know exactly what were talking about how do you like letting go. I really like it starts in your own heart. It's that those hands open to resting in God's plan for our children and trusting him with our kids. That starts with that. But then, I think. Let's not wait until our kids are 15, 16, 17 to start thinking they are going to leave the nest.
Someday, as their younger as they show like you said age-appropriate opportunities to practice speaking adults and one of the things that that is then they're going to make some mistakes. And guess what, then we can be there to kind of walk with them through those mistakes and self not too long ago, one of my kids and they really wanted to buy this new set of earbuds and they wanted these really expensive set of earbuds and and I okay and they found them off of one of the site is not super reputable and I asked him a few questions that they plunk down a lot of money on these earbuds that did not work and it was such a good opportunity for us to just know this and I said can you go back and is there anything you can do to get your money back, but they said I learned a lot from this.
He does a be able to have that conversation so often opens at just those conversations when we allow them to little bit by little bit.
We are letting them go or raising them to be adults, not kids. And I think it's really important also to recognize that. Are we setting rules and boundaries for kids just because it's we want to keep them safe. And I think so often that we are not setting them up for success in life.
If we make all the decisions for them, especially as they get older but raising them to learn to seek the Lord themselves and to make some decisions themselves so that they cannot have it in that practice of learning wise decision-making when you tie this all up in the all things you've learned and again I so appreciate your forthrightness and your vulnerability in this because we all need to learn from it and we all need to be more honest, I think, as parents and how were doing speak again to that moment listening to say okay I have done everything out of fear. What I'm hearing you say is me. It's what I've done, what can they do today. Again, to move toward a healthier approach, putting all four of these together.
I would just encourage any parent who is listing his feeling that weight of exhaustion that stress of wanting to do everything right and you want to live like that anymore to recognize Marcel left by your heavenly father start camping in his laugh. You can't love your kids well if you don't believe that your laughter self and so going back to the word of God and really looking at what is he saying about you and just really really really letting that sell in to your soul and then you can let yourself be a conduit to your kids and you have so much more Rasta because when you know how much you are loved by God, it doesn't matter what other people think about your parenting. It doesn't matter.
Honestly, at the end of the day. The choices and behaviors of your kids. That's not the biggest thing knowing how much are loved by God and being able to walk in love with your kids. I truly believe that's what's going to change their lives profoundly. So good. I think of the Lord so you know my my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
You sure Lord, even in parenting and parenting that yoke can be far lighter than the way were making it. I think that's what you're expressing God's way is a more perfect way and it's rooted in love and even different in that you're saying wait a minute Jim, I'd say.
Check your heart start digging like crystal suggested to say what's motivating you to respond in certain ways. Chrysalis is great material. I've been really looking forward to talking with you because this is a book that I have thought and talked about with other people. For two years. I just didn't know you were going to be writing it, and the content is outstanding and I think this goes right to the core of fixing so many parenting issues that we have today, so that our kids can be healthier and really understand God's love and feeling the love of God and living than feeling the love of God and living that out in loving your neighbor right.
That's what it's for.
Thanks for being with us. Thanks so much for having me and all remind our listeners that Focus on the Family is here to help you with any challenges you may be facing in your family. We've got a free assessment on our website, you can learn about the seven traits of effective parenting when you go there is a great tool to help you gauge your strengths and would be some areas for growth in your parenting and wanting to we want you to get this book. So if you can make a gift of any amount if you become a monthly government help do ministry together to help other families join us and for gift of any amount will send your copier Crystal's book as our way of saying thank you and I say this often. If you can afford it, that's okay.
We want you to have this I believe in this book looking for this book. Like I've alluded to for years and crystals. What I believe in the content. I believe in the love of God.
If you can afford it, just get in touch with us will get it out to trust others to curb the expense of that's what ministry is all about. So let's get this in your hands and let's get you onto a healthier parenting to donate your copier Crystal ticket free parenting assessment swing by the episode notes all the details and links right there for on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ by his click away ventures and Odyssey club find trusted faith building entertainment safe online club features almost every episode ever special monthly club only episodes in content and of Focus on the Family clubhouse magazine subscription. Sign up today I'll club.org/radio