Encouraging Marriages in Your Sphere of Influence

I was convinced that nothing could change what was going on in our marriage, and I didn't want to try anymore. But my commitment to God helped me try one more time. We went to a Hope Restored marriage intensive, and it was life-changing. The counselors created the safest environment we could imagine, so that let us really talk.

We're on a much different course now, and I believe we received a miracle that week. Give your free consultation at HopeRestored.com. I challenge you. Do the next restaurant you go to. Just stop at the bus station and grab that pitcher of water, and just start walking around the restaurant filling up empty water glasses. At first, the wait staff will be like, what is going on? But after about two minutes, they're like, smoke break, and they're out the back door. Man, it gives you a charge.

Well, it might give you a charge. It's going to give somebody a little surprise, and it's a great idea for having some fun in a restaurant. Now that's Pastor Ted Cunningham, and it might sound a little extreme, but what he's really tried to teach us and what you'll hear today, especially for husbands and wives, is how we can better serve one another. This is Focus on the Family.

Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, I tried that actually not long ago. I was topping off coffee at a restaurant. Were you really? Well, the wait staff didn't like it so much. Were you in their way? Yeah, I think they thought maybe I was saying, you guys aren't doing a good enough job. But the customers loved it, actually. I got hot coffee to them right away. So I think I made a little bit in tip money. Well, good. Nice.

Hey, you know what? It's always great having Ted on the broadcast. He pastors Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri, and he's one of our favorite pastors because he's such a huge advocate for the family, and for marriage in particular.

It's what he talks about a lot. So we invited Ted to speak at our staff chapel just a few months ago, and his message was so encouraging and insightful that we want to share it with you today. Here now, Pastor Ted Cunningham on today's Focus on the Family. Every marriage is a duet in need of great backup singers. And we take this from the Song of Solomon, chapter one, verse four. You know that great book of the Bible where Solomon, the shepherd king, and the Shulamite woman, their duet is forming in chapters one and two, and in chapter three, they get married. They have a wedding. In chapter four, they're on the honeymoon. In chapters five, six, seven, and eight, they're talking about commitment and faithfulness in marriage. I love the daughters of Jerusalem in the Song of Solomon.

They're the backup singers to the duet of Solomon and the Shulamite woman. The first time we hear them, this is what they say about this young budding love. We rejoice and delight in you. We will praise your love more than wine. They come in and begin to celebrate what God is doing in this couple. And that is the desire in our church for all of our congregation, every member of our church to be a backup singer to the duets all around them, their family, their friends, their other church members, their coworkers. Can you imagine every family member, friend, and church member as a backup singer? According to Hebrews 13.4, marriage should be honored by all, should be esteemed as highly valuable whether you're young or old, married or single. We're all called to esteem marriage as highly valuable.

I love thinking about a church that is passionate about marriage and equipping every member to be a backup singer, getting involved in the lives of other couples. Now I have a face that screams retail. I can't explain it any other way. When I go into stores and restaurants, I get asked the question all the time, do you work here? You laugh, Jim, but I think you got a similar face. I got to be real honest with you. How many times have you been asked that question? I'm so tired of being asked that question. I don't fight it anymore.

I just go with it. How may I help you is my standard response. How may I help you? I want to get involved here. I'll go back. I've been in the back room getting shoe sizes and shirts.

I'll do whatever I can. And so we were at one of our favorite little restaurants one day in Branson called Sugar Leaf. And as I'm walking to the restroom, I notice this senior couple sitting at the table and they're frustrated. They're mad. I just went, oh, I got a second. So I walk over to their table and I simply ask them, how was everything? This is so much fun.

It's become a new hobby for me. I said, how was everything? And he goes, I got to be honest with you.

You're pretty ticked. I said, ah. I said, I hate to hear that.

What seems to be the problem? Well, your sign outside said Bratwurst. And we stood in line for 20 minutes, okay, waiting for Bratwurst. We get to the front and you're out of Bratwurst.

Now, I'm only 43, but I can't wait for the day in my life when the biggest issue of my day is a store being out of Bratwurst. I know Ken's going, he should take this a little more seriously. He should take this. I said, sir, I hate to hear that. What can we do to make this right? I want to make this right. I don't want you leaving here mad.

His whole attitude started to change. I said, what if I get you a piece of pie? Listen, pie, with senior adults especially, changes everything. We have another little saying in our church that goes like this, don't get a divorce, get a donut. You cannot fight while eating a donut. I promise you that.

It's impossible. So, I said, sir, what if I get you a piece of pie? Completely different mood.

Attitude totally changes. I go, I stand in line. I buy him a piece of pie. I bring it back over.

I set it down on the table. And he's, thank you. He starts asking me questions about the restaurant. I'm like, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't work here. That's my family over there and my whole family waves from across the restaurant. And then I get back to the table and I'm just, I'm fired up.

I can't explain it, but I'm charged up like, kids, did you see that? I just impersonated the store manager. And I served them. And I said, kids, this is exactly what every day of our lives should be like because we should be serving people with zero expectations of anything in return.

So I imagine a church where every member, every follower of Jesus is a backup singer. And when someone needs help with their marriage and they approach someone in that church, they don't get, go talk to that guy over there. They get a, how can I help you? How can I speak?

Well, I don't know how to do it. We know what to refer on, but in this moment right here, I can serve this marriage with what I know. That's why I tell singles who get frustrated hearing too many marriage messages in the church. You need these marriage messages because even when you're single, you can advocate. You can back up the marriages of your friends and of your family. Imagining a church where every backup singer is an ally for the marriage and not just the spouse. I'm not speaking here of abuse or addiction where you really need to gather your friends and family around a spouse. Because I'm speaking of that couple who's headed toward the lawyer's office. That couple who, it's at the end, we're done.

Instead of just being an ally for your son or being an ally for your daughter, you're an ally for your son's marriage and you're an ally for your daughter's marriage. Years ago I was at an event, I did a session called From Anger to Intimacy and this lady came up to me afterwards. She was shaking. She was so mad at me and what I had just shared. And she walked right up to the book table and she said, Pastor! I said, yeah, she goes, I need to say something to you!

I was like, wow! I said, what's that? She goes, my husband left me! Do you know why he left me?

I'm getting a little picture of it, but it's just a real small little picture. And this is what she said. You hear this all the time among family and friends. I don't know what the issue may be brought to you is, but in this case, this is what she said. My husband left me because he couldn't handle being married to a successful woman! And I said, ma'am, can I pastor you for five minutes? I took her silence as consent.

I said, your success did not cause your divorce. She said, what did you think it was? I said, well, it had a little bit to do with your... And I stepped back, call security. This is just a protocol to do.

Eagle One, Eagle One is in the lobby. She started to leave. I said, now, wait a second! I need to share with you two of the greatest things I've ever learned that my mentor taught me, Dr. Gary Smalley, about anger, and I want to share it with you right now. Number one, unresolved anger is like drinking poison expecting the other person to get sick. I said, ma'am, some people sip this each day, but you're drinking it by the gallons. I said, the second thing is you never bury anger dead.

You always bury it alive. I said, and you've buried this anger, and it's going to come out in relationships with your children, relationships at work, or relationships with your second or third husband. You can do something about this. I noticed it from across the room. She said, what's that? I said, the ginormous chip on your shoulder. I go, you've got to do something with it. I don't know who said what to put it there. I don't know how long it's been there, but I've got great news for you.

The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is the same power that can raise your lifeless soul. Keeping in mind, I had a book table between us the whole time I was doing this. It was very important. You've got to have a little bit of a barrier for safety.

She started to calm down just a little bit. That to me, even when you're directing one spouse to speak of the entire marriage, and those who are absent are protected here. In this conversation, I'm only going to be able to talk to you because your husband isn't here. But I can't stay focused on the issue because it isn't about your success. It isn't about money. It isn't about job or career. There's something else going on.

Let's get to the root of that. You never know the whole story. You have to avoid rewriting history or being a part of changing the narrative when one spouse wants to change that narrative. Every backup singer needs to be an ally for the marriage, not just the spouse. Every spouse, now this is on me, this is on you, needs to turn down bad backup singers and turn up good backup singers. You can work with a couple in counseling. You can give them all the skills that you have in your arsenal.

You can throw it at them and they can begin to see some good positive change. But if you send them back to the same environment or the same voices, the same people speaking into their marriage, and here's some examples of bad backup singing, I just want you to be happy. You deserve better. There's someone out there better for you.

No one should have to put up with that. You've tried everything to make it work. He or she has changed, and I always love the flip side of that is he or she won't change. Who is it that you're letting into your marriage and into your life? This is why I'm grateful for folks on the family being a good backup singer to marriages.

Who leads your duet off key? Don't just turn them down. You need to mute them all together. Who brings harmony to your marriage? Turn them up. And this may be on Facebook.

You just need to start unfriending some folks who just come on to your comments and they have to just spew all of their venom. You have to be very intentional with who you invite onto your team and who the backup singers are. So in the few moments we have left, I just want to share with you some ways you can identify a great backup singer for your marriage and how all of us who claim the name of Jesus can be a great backup singer to all of the duets around us, our marriages of our family members and friends and co-workers.

Number one, promote and celebrate dating and engagement. Getting back to that, we do this at our church. I love it.

I've had a couple of times. My favorite time was a lady sent me a letter and she said, you know, I love how you're encouraging the young guys to date and get married. I love that, but don't forget about us old women.

I was like, wow, okay, I love it. She goes, why don't you start finding some dates for the widows in your church? So I stood up one Sunday morning in our congregation and before our congregation, I read this letter from a lady named Deb. And at the end of reading the letter, she listed all of her assets. I live on the lake. I got a good pension. I got two jet skis.

She had it all out there. And at the end, I simply in a pastoral tone asked, where are the men for Deb? And five guys in our first service stood up. The first two guys came forward after the service, hey, can you show us a picture or point that out?

I'd be happy to. The third guy walks up, true story, looks over his shoulders, looks at me and says, hey, pastor, do you have a picture of those sea dews? And I did not introduce him to Deb. But getting back to saying, it's a good thing. We rejoice and delight in this. I have friends that tell me all the time when they tell me they get engaged, I go crazy celebrating with them. And I have, I can't tell you how many couples have told me, you're the only one we know who's excited for us.

Really? Yeah, friends and family are scared to death that we're not ready. Every marriage is a duet in need of great backup singers.

It's not just a program we're talking about this morning. It's about a DNA change in the church, about changing the way we think about everybody being equipped. Number two, leverage weddings and funerals. Leverage weddings and funerals. More people are attending, more unchurched are attending weddings and funerals at our church than are actually attending our church. To be able to not just celebrate with couples, hey, you made it, but to tell their story and to share their story.

I want the young couples in our church to talk to grandma and grandpa, to go out on a double date with them. We need to, number three, focus on feelings, not issues. Just like that lady who was angry. Let's get to what's really going on. Let's talk about your heart.

Let's talk about unresolved anger. Let's talk about how to above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life and how to move on from no longer blaming your ex-husband or blaming the situation of that marriage and moving into the issues of the heart. Number four, to be a great backup singer, know the resources. Have them ready to go. What small groups to plug into at your church. Send them a video of a sermon. Let them know of a book. Send them to Marriage 911, which is what our church used. Let them know about the intensive program that Focus on the Family offers.

I mean, all of these resources to have them ready and ready to go. Number five, don't hit the like button on Facebook when one spouse goes on a rant about the other or shows pictures of a new boyfriend or a new girlfriend. The culture that we live in, this dating while divorcing. Haven't even filed the paperwork yet, but I'm dating someone new.

It crushes me as a pastor to go on Facebook and to see members of the church, members who've sat under marriage teaching for 10, 15 years to begin putting lines of bad backup singing on that post. Just want you to be happy. So glad you're finally happy. And I always say, don't ask me to celebrate a new relationship while I'm still mourning the death of your marriage. Don't hit that like button. Number six, don't let attacks on your past attempts keep you from reaching out now and in the future.

Number seven, and finally, don't let anger from a hurting family member or friend or church member keep you from loving and caring for them now. Press in. Lean in. Ask the question, how may I help you? How can I help you rather than, yeah, go talk to that person.

Yeah, go do that. You have been, they have come to you. They have a relationship with you. Leverage that to be a backup singer to that duet. And I want to close our time sharing with you about one of the greatest backup singers my wife and I ever had was in her grandparents, Lloyd and Lorraine Freetag. I got a call one day going into a meeting in Branson that Lloyd had gotten up from the chair and he broke his hip and he broke his leg.

And he was at St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester, Minnesota. And we're in Branson. Amy's parents, Lloyd's son lives in Branson and I told my wife, hey, get the kids ready. Call your parents.

Have them be ready in an hour. I'll come home and get you all. They said Lloyd doesn't have much time left. And so we'll drive through the night to say goodbye to grandpa Lloyd.

And we did. And I'll never forget walking in that day to Lloyd's bedside. And he was on oxygen and you could tell he was declining quickly. And I'll never forget my father-in-law falling on his dad, blessing his dad. Kid couldn't ask for a better dad. I love you, dad.

Just speaking words of high value on or over his dad. And then my wife, Lloyd's granddaughter, falls on him. And then my children, his great-grandchildren fall on him.

I'm the in-law. I'm like the last to walk up. And Lloyd had a great sense of humor. I walk up to Lloyd's table or to his bed and the very first thing Lloyd says to me is, Teddy, is there anything you can do to speed this up? And I said, well, I guess I could step on some of these hoses and pull some of these plugs.

But they frown on that. And we had such a great day. And I didn't get this with three out of four of my grandparents. I know many of us in this room did not have that opportunity to be at the bedside to say goodbye and to have a prolonged departure from this earth. But it was such a great day. Lloyd enjoyed it so much he decided he was going to stick around for another day and decided that the next day would be the day. And I remember the doctor coming in while I was standing there saying, Lloyd, we want to put you on dialysis. And he just kind of shook his head and said, no, we're done.

We're done. I'm ready to go be with the Lord. That's where Lloyd was at. I remember we went out to dinner that night and I dropped my father-in-law back off because he wanted to watch one more Minnesota Twins game with his dad. And Lloyd said, come back, tomorrow I'm going to go home.

It's time. I'll never forget going into his hospital room and we prayed together. We took the Lord's Supper together. We sang together. It sounded horrible.

I can't even begin to tell you how bad it sounded. But when we were done with those three things, I'll never forget Lloyd saying, goodbye, everyone. I got to go. And they start shutting off his pacemaker, taking his oxygen out. And he leaned back.

And I've been in these situations before to know as the family members looked on thinking this could be any moment, I'm going this could be hours, days, could be weeks. I'll never forget it. My daughter would sit there most of that afternoon and just rub Lloyd's arm twice during that time Lloyd came to. And I'll never forget his expression. He popped up. And I remember his expression turned from this to, oh, come on. And he went right back to this position.

And four hours later, he went to be with the Lord. We all were a mess. We just lost the patriarch of our family, a loving, honorable man.

And we all walked outside of the room into the hallway. I'll never forget my daughter was crying. My son Carson, seven at the time, was not. And Corinne says, Carson Matthew Cunningham, why are you the only one in this family not crying?

And no kidding, my 7-year-old says, Sissy, I have learned to control my emotions. And I'll never forget Lorraine coming out of the room, walking up to me and hugging me and said, Ted, would you do our family the honor of preaching his funeral next week? And I said, it would be my great honor. And so a week later in Austin, Minnesota, I stood up before about 300 family and friends and I start every funeral the same, Ecclesiastes 7 verses 1 and 2.

A good name is better than fine perfume. And the day of death is better than the day of birth. For it is better to go to a house of mourning than to a house of feasting. For death is the destiny of every man. And the living should take this to heart.

And I said, today we're here to take to heart the death of Lloyd Freetag. And the scripture says it's better to go to a funeral than to go to a party. And the reason for that is because a funeral is a recalibrating event. A funeral should change the way you think and it should change the way you live. I don't get that at a party. I don't walk away from a party ever going, boy, that changed my life. It was good fellowship.

It was good medicine as we laughed together. I said, today we're here to take to heart the death of Lloyd Freetag. Let's talk about Lloyd.

I said, here is a man that went when he was just a boy halfway around the world to literally save the world for us in World War II in the Navy. He came back. He's this fiery redhead named Lorraine. And they go on a date. He invites her on a date on a Saturday night. Date went so well at the end of that date, invited her on a second date. On the second date, the next Saturday night, he asked, are we going to get serious or what? And she said, what do you mean? Do you want to get married?

Second date came a proposal and she said yes. And before Lloyd went to be with the Lord, they celebrated 65 years of marriage. He worked at a Hormel meat packing plant for 42 years. So he knew something about commitment, loyalty, duty, sacrifice, and honor. And I'm looking around the room at many marriages of family and friends gathered around the room. I said, today taking to heart the death of Lloyd Freetag means we do something with what we're learning today about his life. This man loved his Lord, served his church faithfully, served his wife faithfully, served his family faithfully, and today we get to take to heart that message for us.

We're all a mess. We go graveside. And I'll never forget my wife's uncle. Uncle Wayne comes up to me graveside and he said, Teddy, would you promise me one thing? I said, what's that?

He goes, will you preach a funeral that good for me one day? And I looked right at him and said, you got some work to do. Don't we all? Don't we all? We have great models all around us to lead us and to guide us and to encourage us and to challenge us in our marriages. The second challenge today, though, is that we would be that person to inspire and encourage the couples all around us. Every marriage is a duet in need of great backup singers.

And my prayer for you is that you would be that great backup singer. Thank you very much, Focus, for allowing me to speak. Ted Cunningham was our guest recently at a Focus on the Family staff chapel. John, what a wonderful message from Ted.

I love that story about Lloyd and Lorraine and their loving long-term marriage. What a great goal for each and every one of us. And what a terrific example for our children and grandchildren. You know, Christian people should be the most consistent supporters of marriages around us. Let's make an effort to really encourage the marriages of our family members, our friends, and in the wider community. The fact is, folks, the world is watching Christian marriages today. And the question is, are we any different in how we treat each other? Do we uphold the commitments we made in our wedding vows? Are we a good witness of God's forgiveness and grace in our families?

That's something we can all improve upon, I'm sure. And let me just remind you, Focus on the Family is here to help. We are a pro-marriage ministry. And over the past year, Focus has helped over 500,000 couples build a stronger, more satisfying marriage, and over 100,000 say that Focus helped them through a major marital crisis. That's good work. And that is thanks to donors like you, who are helping to support our counseling team and our Hope Restored four-day intensives. When we follow up with our intensive couples, two years later, over 80% say their marriage is doing very well.

So if you'd like to follow up on Ted's message by becoming a supporter of marriage, please consider joining our team here at Focus on the Family. The best way to do that is making a monthly pledge. That's how Gene and I support Focus. We do as well.

You too. It doesn't have to be a large amount. It's the consistency that really helps us month to month. When you make a pledge of any amount, we'll send you a copy of Ted's latest book published by Focus on the Family.

It's called A Love That Laughs, Lighten Up, Cut Loose, and Enjoy Life Together. And if you can't commit to a monthly pledge right now, we understand that. We can also send the book to you for a one-time gift of any amount. It's a really encouraging read, and Ted explains how to use fun and laughter to reduce stress and grow closer as a couple. So get your copy of that great book when you call 800-AFAMILY, 800-232-6459, or donate online.

The link is in the episode notes. And request that book, A Love That Laughs. And when you're on our website, be sure to look for our marriage assessment, which is a really quick survey that takes just a few minutes to fill out. It's going to help you pinpoint strengths in your relationship and maybe identify an area or two that could use some work. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for this Focus on the Family podcast. Take a moment, if you would, please, and leave a rating for us wherever you get your podcast. And then share about this episode with your favorite married couple.

And for now, I'm John Fuller, inviting you back next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. When a woman discovers her husband's struggle with pornography, she needs a practical plan. The latest book from Focus on the Family, Aftershock, by professional counselor Joanne Condie, will help you through the seven steps of self-care. And you'll learn how to deal with the emotions involved in the discovery of your husband's addiction. Let Joanne Condie's timeless wisdom give you hope, even while you're in your own season of Aftershock. Learn more about Aftershock at focusonthefamily.com slash store.