Understanding Your Teen's Behavior (Part 1 of 2)

Allie's husband was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. She wanted to leave him, but a Focus on the Family broadcast convinced her to stay. Jesus was right there with me.

I prayed every day, probably most of the days, and just thinking, I just can't make it one more day. I'm Jim Daly. Today, Allie's marriage is thriving. Working together, we can provide hope to more marriages like hers.

Please give generously at focusonthefamily.com slash realfamilies. Dr. Jeremy Clark shares a situation that's pretty common in his home with one of his teenage daughters. I have one daughter that literally will come home and there's a shoe and then another shoe and then there's a sock and then there's a sock and then there's a backpack and then there's a wrapper to the popcorn and then there's a popcorn bag and then there's a... She won't get lost, will she?

No! There's a mouse running across your house. Yes, exactly. And for me, I can get frustrated. Like, how many times do we have to say, pick up after something, whatever? Well, we know the adolescent brain needs scaffolding. We need to help them build to their maturity. Well, you'll be hearing more from our guests today about your teen and their brain development and how to help them build a good foundation. This is Focus on the Family. Your host is Focus President and author, Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, here's a thought. Today we're going to learn what's going on inside the brain of our teenagers, which I think every parent should be interested in.

Absolutely. And as a dad, let me tell you, I have two young men. I'm looking forward to hearing this great conversation so I can learn more precisely what is going on in my two boys' brains. We're going to talk with Dr. Jeremy and Jerusha Clark and they bring it. They are experts, I might add, in this area of teen development. It's very informative and I'm sure there are parents who are saying, what's going on with my teenager? If you're not normal, you may not ask that question, but if you're normal, you're going to ask that question. What's happening is a lot of brain chemistry changes.

That's what's going on. Physiological changes, emotional changes, hormonal changes, all those things. It's what makes the teenage years so difficult to cope as a teenager and then as a parent, trying to help them cope as that teenager. And today we want to equip you so you can better understand where they're at, where they're coming from, and how to be more effective in your parenting strategies with your teen.

A great resource to help is the book written by our guests called Your Teenager is Not Crazy. And we do have copies of that. The details are in the episode notes. And Jeremy Clark served as a youth pastor for 17 years. He's now a pastor to ministry leaders through Standing Stone Ministry located in Costa Mesa, California. And Jerusha is a writer and speaker. And along with Jeremy, they have two teen girls of their own. Let's go ahead and listen in now on this conversation on today's episode of Focus on the Family.

Jeremy and Jerusha, welcome to Focus. Thank you for having us. And Jerusha, you were actually here, you talked about postpartum depression probably seven years ago. So thanks for coming back.

That was a powerful program. And we appreciate your openness in that environment to share those things with us. Today, we're going to crack open all this brain science, which obviously, John and I are very interested in, along with about a million other listeners right now. But before we get in there, you do speak to a lot of teenagers and have for many years. What do teenagers tell you in that kind of an event format where maybe you come to a church and you're doing a teen night, and they'll line up to talk with you? I mean, I know what that feels like, because I've done a bit of that. But what do they tell you that maybe they're not telling their parents?

That's such a great question. And in fact, we structured the entire book based on things that teenagers say. So the first chapter is you don't understand there are chapters like, why are you freaking out? What do you expect from me? I can't take this.

I hate my life. We took the things that teenagers would say to us and made those the focal points of each chapter. And what was remarkable was that we were able to see biologically in each chapter something that was occurring, and then find the different dimensions that worked into the relationship aspect between parents and their children. And finally, spiritual truth.

There was not one time where there was not an application from Scripture. That was so exciting to us, because it really was a holistic approach. And instead of having to read multiple books on the subject, we tried to bring everything to the parents so they could know what's going on physiologically, psychologically, and spiritually in one book.

That was our goal. Yeah, and this is a terrific resource. In fact, Jean, when I was going over the prep and reading the book over the last few days, she said, bring that one home.

I always know I got a home run when she says, hey, make sure I get that book. But let's talk about the science. So let's get into that for a minute, and then we'll come back to some of your stories. But what's the broad science, the amygdala and the development of the brain and the systems that are going on that really impact a puberty moment, you know, when that prepubescent child is now moving into puberty?

What's happening? Well, leading neuroscientists discovered this just about 12 tops, maybe 15 years ago, that as they could image and look at the brain, that the brain from 11, about 11 in girls and 12 and a half in boys, the adolescent brain begins to prune from the back to the front. And this pruning is significant. And as the brain prunes, major things happen and it can account for the erratic behavior that you'd experience in your adolescent's life. And so as the brain from the back to the front begins to prune in this... What do you mean by pruning?

I just need to know, is that the shedding of brain cells or what? Well, it's actually very interesting because in late childhood, there's a radical and very explosive growth, they call it arborization, kind of similar to a tree growing new branches. And then at this shifting point, as Jeremy was mentioning, there begins to be specialization. So the pruning is actually the process of the brain moving toward adulthood. So it really is a use it or lose it time. Interesting.

Right. So as a young person begins to go through this process, it can often be very confusing for them. Very much confusing for parents for sure. Hey, look, I felt like I was an all star of young toddlers. When my girls were little, I would race home to see them. I'd open the door and I'd hear these little screams and that they would run down the wall and hug my legs.

I just would play with them until they went to bed. I felt like I was an all star at that point. And then things changed and it began to get difficult for me. And I began to feel frustrated that I didn't have that kind of relationship with them anymore. And this research has given me great clarity into what's happening with my teen daughters.

I don't have to just white knuckle this time. I can keep growing. But it's those underlying things. And this is what I love about your book. You're helping parents better understand what's going on in the mind, literally, of your teenager.

And that's what I love. Jerusha, you mentioned something with your oldest when she turned 12 that you begin to feel apprehensive. Yeah, I was so nervous. Yeah, what was going on? Yeah, I mean, though Jeremy and I had worked with teenagers for many years, I started realizing how fearful I was of the teenage years.

People make such a big deal of how difficult it is and oh, you've got teenagers now. And I realized I was dealing with a lot of fear. And I had to take that to the Lord and ask for help and peace. And one of the ways, because he's wired me to investigate and be curious. That's one of the reasons that I jumped into this research.

I needed to know because I didn't want to just try to get through these years. I wanted to actually enjoy them as much as possible. What did you I mean, again, some people listening don't have a relationship with the Lord. It's one of the great things I appreciate about the radio program, john.

Not everybody is there. Describe what that means when you pray to the Lord, what did you actually receive back that began to give you greater confidence that your fear began to dissipate? What was tangible in that regard? Yeah, I'm glad you put your finger on that. And just to let you know, in the book, we very much try to bridge the gap between those who maybe have had a relationship with God for many years, and those who currently are questioning or certainly teenagers will make you question your true. But with regard to my own relationship, and how that worked was I was beginning to feel that kind of pit in my stomach, uncomfortable, nervous feeling. And when I take my cares, and lay them down and say, I can't do this on my own, I receive God's peace. And that is profound. It's, you know, exhibit a for evidence of a relationship with God actually changing things because it does I, I genuinely felt as he took those cares from me as I let them go, and it's hard not to keep going back and grabbing him again. But as I let those go, I did experience he calls it the peace that passes understanding because there's really it doesn't make a lot of sense when it comes to teenagers, you would think yeah, I need to be afraid.

But it's a you've said it very well. It's the Shalom of God, the peace of God. And that's what so much of the world desperately needs, especially in parenting, because there is a chaotic world out there. But it is the peace of God that allows you to get through so much of this. So if you're, man, if you're struggling, you don't know what to do, and you don't have a relationship with Christ, call us. Talk to us about that today.

That's kind of the bedrock. We can help you with your family issues. But if we don't introduce you to who Jesus Christ is, man, we have missed the mark. So do that. Be bold enough to call us today and talk to our counselors talk to our phone folks about what it means to have a relationship with Christ. Let me come back now to parenting teens, which should drive you to a relationship with Christ. I keep joking about that.

But it's so true. You break the book down into multiple segments, like you said, one of them is a statement, john, I'm sure you've never heard in your household, you and Deena from a teenager, leave me alone. I think that may have been just the other night, one of my boys, it's been that long for you just leave me alone.

Twice this morning. And then what do I do? I go tickle them, because I just think that's fun.

I do the opposite. But what is a teenager expressing when they're expressing leave me alone? Well, some of the radical changes that are happening in the brain are both physically and emotionally exhausting for teenagers. So they actually do need space. And as parents, I think it's important to recognize that I kind of downplayed the physiological aspects that were going on. But as I researched them, as Jeremy and I discussed them, we realized we do actually need to give our kids space. And this is where the important principle of discernment comes in, because there are times that we need to push in and not allow our kids to push us away. There are other times we need to leave them alone. And so using discern is so key. In fact, the two watchwords for us in the whole book are compassion and discernment.

The word used most often to describe Jesus's emotions and the Gospels is compassion. And so as parents having the compassion for our teenagers that are going through these radical changes, but then also the discernment to be able to see when to speak, when to be silent. I mean, it's just like, you know, Ecclesiastes say there's a time for everything and hopefully not to live and die in this teenage season. And one of the most difficult things as parents, we fail to remember this, is that there's usually underlying issues when the baby is small, an infant, the reason they cry is they're uncomfortable, something's wrong, they're hungry, they have a wet diaper, they're trying to express in the best way they know how, which is to cry, because they can't speak yet to tell you, I'm in need of some attention. And of course, you can apply that rule all the way up to a five year old, a 10 year old and a 15 year old. So I think what you're saying here and some of this brain transition is it's a teenager's cry to say, I'm changing and I don't know what's going on.

I don't know why I yelled at you, dad. That is so true. It's so revealing. This whole research for my daughter will sit down and try to get to the core of some issues, but oftentimes she really doesn't know how to express herself. She doesn't understand really what's going on within her own brain and in her own life and her own emotion. And so for us, one of the best things we can do during those moments is not continue to follow them down the hallway and into their bedroom. Sometimes it's okay to let them go. And sometimes even for me as a parent to let them have the last word like, oh my, it's not going to end the world by allowing my 15 year old daughter to have the last word. Jeremy, you mentioned that whole thing about step back, take a deep breath. We don't naturally do that.

What triggers do you use as parents? Both of you to do that. You have two teen girls, you're in the middle of it. So now you're experiencing it.

It's not theoretical for you any longer. Speaking to parents, groups or teens about teenagers, you're in it with your own teens. So how do you do it? How do you say, cause your flash just wants to move in that direction. Let me tell you, son, this is why you need to take out the garbage. And I've told you 25 times and I don't want to tell you a 26th time.

Do you understand me? Right. And you got to say, okay, that's not working.

That's stupidity. The definition of doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same result. So how do we become more effective, more Christlike in our parenting? Well, we understand first it comes through just understanding. Do you know that their perspective memories of adolescence is developing? Meaning it's hard for them to determine in advance what they should do. They, they are constantly thinking in the moment, but it's hard for them to assess what, what I should do right now for something in the future. So we get exhausted by repeating ourselves. But if I know that, if I know that my adolescence brain is developing unevenly and at times I'm going to have to keep reminding them, it takes some pressure off of me and it gives me a greater compassion for where they're at. That I have one daughter that literally will come home and there's a shoe and then another shoe and then there's a sock and then there's a sock and then there's a backpack and then there's a wrapper to the popcorn and then there's a popcorn bag and then there's a empty popcorn.

And then there's a mouse running across your house. And for me, I can get frustrated. Like how many times do we have to say pick up after self, whatever? Well, we know the adolescent brain needs scaffolding. It literally, it, we need to help them build to their maturity and something that we often say to one another.

And I have the most incredible partner right here, my wife, and we are in it together, married 18 years and we say better together. Uh, it's me and you against the world. It's me and you even against our kids at times. But we say, we say, Hey, you have an adult brain.

Use it. We have parents have the ability to be mature, to be well seasoned, to hold their emotion, to let the arc fall, to rise, get frustrated, but let it fall. We can, we can be mature and not enter in. So we, we want to rise above.

And so those are some of the things that we'll look at each other because as much as I can know the research, we still blow it on a daily basis. You give each other permission to call each other out privately about that. You know, honey, you really attack that a little inappropriately. Oh, absolutely. She'll grab my arm and whisper in my ear, you have an adult brain. And I'm like, do I? Well, I was going to ask you about that. Now, brain science shows that a male's brain isn't fully formed until 50 years old.

No, I'm just kidding. I think it's 24, which should shock a lot of us. That seems late even at that 24 is the actual research, but a little tongue in cheek, but the development of the brain, what's developing that takes 24 years in a male brain. And I'm not sure what the female brain is 20, 23, typically for young women. And actually that portion of the brain that is the final frontier of maturation is the executive functioning of the brain. It's the brain CEO. It's called the prefrontal cortex. And it's located like right behind your forehead. So don't bang your head.

No three stooges. Yes, exactly. No, the teenage brain as it is pruned, like we mentioned earlier, it's also being what's called myelinated. Myelin is acts like insulation on a wire. When you're, you know, doing electrical work, you insulate the wire so that the electricity can go down faster. Well, the brain has a similar function with myelin sheaths.

It allows the transmission of thoughts to go quicker and more specialized. So that's actually the process that finishes around 23 for girls in between 24 and 25. For some young men, even 27.

That's kind of the outside. So we start late and we end late. But you know, it's wonderful to see the differences in the book. We have chapter devoted individually to both the female brain and the male brain for adolescents. And it's wonderful to see what God does, and why it takes a little bit longer for young men.

But answer the why part, please. There are a lot of parents wondering why is this taking so long? It's just what's wrong with you. Again, the compassion aspect if you consider that a young man experiences an increase of testosterone between the ages of 10 and 20. That's 30 times the amount of childhood during adolescence, just to secure your compassion alone. And because the testosterone works with other brain structures, specifically, what you mentioned earlier, the amygdala, the seat of fear, emotionally charged memories, causes that and the hypothalamus to grow larger in young men.

So it takes longer for their brains to become accustomed to perceiving threats to understanding risk versus benefit. All those things are wonderful, because and here's the why, because our men need to be brave, men need to be courageous, and God is giving them opportunities to test that and try that. And I think it's a beautiful thing. Is it frustrating and confusing for parents? Yes. Can we have greater discernment and compassion, understanding these things going on?

Absolutely. So I think what Jeremy was pointing to is that it doesn't remove the parental emotion, we're still going to feel frustrated and confusing, but we can choose not to go with those emotions. When there's so many things you're saying there that you know, my brain is sparking thinking about the feminization of boys in our culture, the fact that this is in their wiring, the aggressiveness, the exploration, the desire to climb a tree that is dangerous, and we're all yelling at him, don't do that, don't go there, you're gonna, and it's really being driven by their brain science.

I mean, that's, that's something to remember as parents, you got to let kids explore, you got to let them, you know, test the edges, that's where they gain confidence, and better understand who they are. That definitely describes the boy's brain. Let's give the girls some do here. What's happening for the teenage girl with her brain development, in terms of size and other things? Yeah, well, one of the most fascinating things is that a girl's brain, the increase in progesterone interacts with a stress hormone called cortisol. So when a stressful thing happens in a girl's brain, the progesterone in her brain makes it more difficult for her to calm down. There really is a reason why girls tend to have more drama than boys. So as a parent, one of the things that you can do is allow the girl to calm down, say, you know, give her some space, allow her to go in her room. And as Jeremy mentioned earlier, don't fuel the emotion, let the emotion rise and fall, right?

Eventually, it takes about 30 minutes, they say, right, so not the 90 seconds. No, no, for the calming down because once cortisol is released in the brain, it takes a while for it to come down. In fact, in both girls and boys brains, the reaction is inverse to adults. So whereas our brain as adults releases a chemical called THP to counteract cortisol, in teenagers, THP is ineffective. And in fact, it can sometimes have the reverse effect and cause escalating stress. So we really, even though we feel we look at them and think you can handle this, we really have to look with compassion and say, okay, they need fewer stresses in their life.

So as a parent of a teen girl, and you recognize this, this is what's happening. I'm in that moment. What's a good thing to say?

Let's take a break for 3045 minutes. And then let's talk about this again. Yep, don't continue the conversation. Don't minimize try to empathize. So for instance, one of the stresses that may come up is there's a huge zit on her forehead before homecoming. And you're like, it's really not a big deal. It is a big deal to her. The stress that comes for a young woman, don't minimize those things. Oh, you'll get over it.

It won't be that big of a deal. Just use concealer. Don't minimize, empathize. That must be really hard for you, honey. Yeah. And that just brings it down one level.

I can understand where that would be really frustrating. Is there anything I can do to help takes it down another level, you know, it's just these calm taking a step back, one after another, instead of adding fuel to the fire. You mentioned in the book, your teenager is not crazy about the need for parents to surrender their need to be right. Okay, let me say that again, because everybody just went out. This is our battle. But I am right.

That's the point. So how do you coach a parent not to gravitate to that my need to be right. And especially black and white thinkers, you know, my wife's a biochemist.

She's right most of the time. You know, I just ran into one of our members at church and he was having a fight with his son who's happens to be 14. And and they were just going at it, just arguing with one another. And the dad was so involved in the argumentation and just he's so frustrated. It's almost like he couldn't stand out.

And, you know, far enough to recognize just what was going on. The son's just exploring life. He's curious. He's doubting.

He's questioning everything. And so for us as parents to encourage other parents to allow kids to explore, allow kids to disagree, allow kids to challenge you, they're trying to explore the world and press into that. Don't just stop it. One of the things I try to do and I lead lots of teams and ministries and I try to practice yes and instead of no.

And we were just always stopping somebody and pressing them in a different direction. I try to think, yes. And how do I step into these conversations without crushing their spirits, without quenching the fire that's within of the curiosity and the creativity and all of that?

And I think parents want to be right. And at the very core of it, I think my issue for me is respect. I have an idol of respect. And some we talk about that an idol or is that a reasonable requirement? Well, idols are good things that are made ultimate things. I mean, respect is a good thing. But when you make it the ultimate thing, that's when it becomes an idol. So yes, our children should respect us.

That's a very biblical idea. And yet, respect or our own comfort, or our security or our peace, those can all become idols, as we allow them to become the defining characteristics of our life. Our teenagers are going to make us uncomfortable. And if we are looking for our life to be comfortable above everything else, then we're going to have trouble. So I think helping parents and we teach parenting seminars, we talk about recognizing this in our own lives. What kind of idols are we defending in our lives? Potentially, because that informs everything that happens with our kids.

If I'm defending this idol of respect and I think everything they say and everything that comes out of their mouth is disrespecting me, then I'm defending that. And I have this expectation that they will just walk around and treat me as king. That's a problem. So I do that for you, baby.

This is true. This is good. You guys, we have covered a little bit of this. There is so much to go into.

And I'm not even sure if we're going to get it all done in a couple of days. But let's continue to roll through, come back next time, and pick up on this disrespect issue. Maybe we could do a little role playing, because those of us in the parenting realm, I think John, you and I could come up with a few phrases of disrespect that we've heard in our lives.

And have you come back about how we as parents should be thinking about this, how we take a deep breath when your child shows you disrespect. I think the other thing is certainly peer pressure. When you have friction within the teen relationship with parents, it can push teens into relationships that are unhealthy. And they find comfort in their friendships because the expectations aren't there. I can just be relaxed. I have to worry about grades and my people love me.

And I don't feel loved by my parents. Let's get into all that next time. Can we do it? Yes, please. All right, let's do it. And contact us for a copy of the book by our guests.

Your teenager is not crazy and learn about how you can be more effective as a parent by understanding those physiological changes that are going on inside of them. Our number here is 800, the letter A in the word family. And you can find the book and other resources.

You'll find the link in the episode notes. And I know you're going to want to read this book and we want to make it available. And if you can give a gift of any amount to focus, we'll send it to you as our way of saying thank you. It's hopefully a fun way to be part of the ministry, not just a recipient of it, but also partake in it and bless others. And for those who can help us offset the cost of getting this resource in the hands of people who can't afford it, that is another good way.

So make a gift of any amount and we'll send you the book or help us cover the cost of getting the resource out to those who need it but can't afford it. And again, our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459. Well, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Thank you.