How God Redeemed My Teen Pregnancy (Part 1 of 2)

I remember just getting, like, really panicky, like, no, I have to figure this out right now because my son's going to come home from school in like two hours and I have to know what to say. When Holly's son was considering suicide, she called a focus on the family counselor. All those years I'd been listening to focus, I was thinking about how they were like that practical guide for me. That was sound advice I could get from them. I didn't really know where else to turn.

I'm Jim Daly. Working together, we can rescue hurting parents like Holly and give families hope. We need the truth that Focus on the Family brings into our minds and into our homes.

We need that if we're going to raise up the next generation of believers to walk in obedience and to walk in the truth that God loves us. Donate today at FocusOnTheFamily.com slash hope and your gift will be doubled. I am seven and my name is Kinley. I want to be a vet.

I wanted to be a doctor, but I like dogs and all kinds of animals, so I want to take care of them. So at seven years old, Kinley is already starting to dream about what she's going to be doing in life. Today on Focus on the Family, you're going to hear how God is already using her as a seven-year-old as a testament to his perfect plans. Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. John, we're able to interview some very well-known guests on this broadcast and that's always an honor. But sometimes my favorite conversations and the broadcasts that the listeners seem to connect with most are with ordinary people who have extraordinary stories.

And that was the case when we had Scarlett Pepin and her daughter Lindsay in the studio. Their story is about an unplanned pregnancy in Lindsay's bravery and sacrifice, God's grace and a family's choice to adopt a precious girl named Kinley, who we just heard from in the beginning there. I wasn't surprised when this broadcast had a huge response from you, our listeners, and it became a Best of 2020 program. So today we wanted to share this broadcast again to remind you that God can and will always use your mistakes and your pain for a greater purpose. And let me mention that Scarlett and Lindsay have written a book called Joy Will Come, Exchange Shame for Redemption. And we've got that.

Just look for the link in the episode notes. And now here's how we started part one of this Best of 2020 conversation with the Pepins. Lindsay and Scarlett, welcome to Focus on the Family. Hi, thanks for having us. It is great. Glad to be here. Yeah, we're so glad you're here. And thank you for the courage in writing the book and your willingness to speak. You speak often on this topic and what God has led you through. And so we're grateful for that.

Lindsay, let me start with you. You were a senior in high school and everything was going smoothly, right? Yes.

Pretty much. Right. But you had a bit of a secret going on. And this is so good for all of us Christian parents to hear. And again, I especially appreciate your willingness to talk about this. And there's no shame.

Definitely. There's only going forward and correcting errors and seeking forgiveness from the Lord and those you love. And so I hope you feel that today.

It's already got me in tears here. But know that as we unfold your story. But what was that secret? What was going on?

Yeah. So like you said, I grew up in a seemingly perfect family. I had all the cards stacked in my favor.

You know, I was blessed with the best parents. I went to church every Sunday. But my big secret was that I was sleeping with my boyfriend. So I had been dating someone on and off for about five years. And we were making decisions in our relationship that I knew weren't right. And I felt the weight and the guilt of that. And I tried to go to God consistently. But I got to the point where I just felt so shameful and so dirty.

And so, you know, I just kept feeling that gap of I can't go back. I can't go back to God. He cannot fix this. I'm too dirty.

I'm too messy to go to the cross. So I need to figure this out on my own. And when we get to that point where we're going to figure it out on our own, that's when we're really in some trouble.

Wow. You have really prayed this through, thought this through. I mean, you're articulate on this.

I can't wait. Because there's so many directions here. I'm already popping my heads full of questions.

The obvious one, you know, with such a good, stable environment. Why? Because, you know, we as parents, I've got two teenage boys. And I'm sitting there going, we're hoping we've done everything right. I'm sure like your mom and dad, and we're going to hear from you in a minute, mom.

But I'm sure they were, you know, approaching that formula and thinking, okay, we've got all the boxes checked. She knows the Lord. She prays before bed. She prays with us at mealtime.

She's going through the family devotional together. But still there was that area of your life. Can you tell us why? Yeah, I think that's the number one question I get from Christian parents is why? Why did it not work out?

What happened there? Well, because we as parents, we're performance oriented. Yeah. So we're thinking we've done all the right laps. We've done all the right things. Definitely.

And we're like stunned. Right. And they did do all the right things. That was the thing.

So it's not about us maybe. And that was the biggest thing. That's the number one thing I say is your children make decisions that are their decisions. And as parents, you have to remember that you can't take on their decisions as a reflection of, oh, well, I messed up. I did this.

I did that. They're humans. They're budding adults. They're making new decisions. They're testing out the waters.

They're trying out new things. So that's that's the first and foremost is parents or children will make decisions that go against everything that you've taught them. And that's just life.

Right. Let's go to that day. And then, Scarlett, we're really going to get you in here.

But I want to hear from Lindsay first. Let's go to that day when you actually found out you're pregnant. What was the environment like?

What was the setting and what did you hear and how did you respond? Yeah. So it was kind of a threefold finding out. You know, I took a pregnancy test.

It came back negative. How old are you? I am at this point. I am newly 18.

So I was an older senior, but newly 18. I took a pregnancy test, came back negative. Phew. Dodged a bullet.

OK, we're good. And multiple days went by and I still did not start my periods. And then I took another pregnancy test. And this one turned positive as soon as it got wet.

So it was ready to go. So it was positive and it was, oh, my goodness, what's going on? This can't be right. You know, I've had a negative. Now I've had a positive. I need to go and get this checked. So first thing I think of is I can't go to my pediatrician.

They're going to call my mom. So I need to go somewhere else. So the only place I knew to go was Planned Parenthood. So that is where I went. I went. I filled out paperwork.

I filled out all the information. And the whole time thinking, there's no way this is my life. There is no way this is happening. I'm a pepin. Pepins don't get pregnant. Pepins don't go to Planned Parenthood.

Pepins don't have these scenarios. This isn't happening. Mom, Scarlett, OK. The mom's listening are going, when is mom going to talk?

But let's hear your heart. How did that go down when Lindsay came home? I'm assuming.

But you paint the picture. What was that discussion like when she said, OK, I'm pregnant? We thought we kind of had the ducks in a row as far as parenting.

And nothing was perfect in our eyes. But everything seemed to be going on track. So it was a Saturday morning and one of those just easygoing mornings. And Lindsay sits down at the kitchen table, says, what do you guys have planned? And I said, oh, I think we're going to head to Home Depot.

It was that casual. Sounds like a Saturday morning. Oh, just a Saturday morning. The to-do list.

Yes. My husband had made pancakes. Just a normal feeling Saturday morning.

And at that point, we say Home Depot. And Lindsay's head hits the breakfast table like a rag doll. I mean, her long hair is hanging down. And a sound came out of my daughter I have never heard. It was in between a moan and a wail. And to hear that sound from your child was very much a panic. What is wrong?

What is wrong? And she's sobbing and can't get the words out. My husband said his first thought was, did she hit someone with a car last night? Like it was that much of an emotional reaction. Some big wrong. Huge.

But that caught him like something bad happened. Oh, yes. It was a, we've got to help our kid.

What is going on? Yeah. And she said two words that I never saw coming.

Absolutely. I could not believe that these words came out of her mouth and they were just two words and it was, I'm pregnant. And my first reaction was, I've got to leave the room. If I leave the room, that means this scene didn't just happen. And so something happened psychologically.

You're not thinking it through. But it was like, I, you know, maybe it's fight or flight. Yeah. But it was like, maybe if I run or get out of this room, then my life is different than what just happened.

Really an odd feeling. This is really important because there are some listening that either this just happened to, or it's about to happen to. Yes.

And I want to make sure parents hear this really clearly. This is the moment of truth. How you react in this moment could very easily set the relationship with your child for the rest of your life.

Yes. That's a great point. What did you do? But when it was happening, I didn't realize I was setting that. You're just, in fact, it's almost as first thing is a little bit of a selfishness.

Your first thought is, how did this happen on my watch? You know, hate to make it all about me, but that's the first reaction. Guilt. Guilt.

Absolute guilt. What did your friends say? I wasn't that far along in the thinking. Because you're too much in a panic of, those words didn't just come out.

And so my first, I think, sentence, well, first I said, no, as in this can't be true. And then the next thing that came out was, I would have helped you. So it went to guilt immediately.

Yeah. She just kept screaming, no, no. And then I could have helped you. I could have helped you. And kept getting it, like, even leaning into my face.

I could have helped you. And it was this complete panic as my dad's banging his fist on the table. So that was your dad?

Yeah. He went to anger. Who did this? How did this happen?

When did this happen? Wanting all the facts and banging his fist. And I'm just, a puddle, just sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And just couldn't, couldn't, you're watching, you just created this tornado. You crushed your parents' feelings and their hopes. And they're in complete utter shock and panic.

And you're the source of all of it. So much instant shame and guilt. So how did, either one of you, how did you process the next 10 minutes, 30 minutes, hour, day?

Day would be accurate. Yeah. What was that like? What were, okay, how do I get my balance? How do you come back to the room?

Yeah. It was just a punch in the gut that I don't think for 24 hours, you're just reeling, trying to, what do we do? What do we do?

What do we do? And a lot of times, anger is a secondary emotion. And so for my husband, anger was first.

How could this happen? On my watch was his feeling. Every dad of a daughter is saying, yeah. Oh yeah.

Agreeing with you. He felt like I met every, any boy that dated her, we met at the door. I shook his hand. I told him that there was a strong presence here, fatherly presence. And so he felt a failure. How did this happen? And like I said, I think it was the surprise factor in that this was not a teenager that had given us worry or concern.

Right. So that day we, I remember we went, Brad, my husband got right, you know, okay, we're sitting down. I want to hear everything. I want to hear where you were.

I want to hear when it happened. I want to remember. He would say, give me location. It was just, how could you? He was down to data.

Oh, he was down to data and logic and that through his pain. The other part that played an interesting point or part of this is that we had an eighth grade daughter at that point. And she, well, you still have her, but now she's all grown.

But anyway, so in eighth grade, she had never, you know, even thought, you know, maybe thought about it, but never kissed a boy or held hands or anything like that. And so to watch that child too, as a parent, she is just devastated because she's hugging my husband. And she goes, she told me later, I could feel dad shaking.

I've never felt my big dad shake, you know? And so to watch her and the anger that she put towards Lindsay on how could you do this to us? I mean, it really became a, how could you, Lindsay, her quote was we're the Pepin girls. So it kind of meant something to you. I mean, not everybody would have that, but there was a standard that you felt.

A thousand percent. Our last name carried so much weight on who we were. We were a unit.

We were the Pepin family and the Pepin family had standards and responsibilities and, you know, upheld certain values. And, and I think a lot of that came to a lot of my shame and a lot of my hiding and a lot of my guilt was like, I've ruined the family name. Like I've tarnished who we are as a unit. And it was, it wasn't, you know, Oh, well, you know, Lindsay's pregnant, you know, the rest of the family's going to move on. I mean, it shattered our whole family. Yeah.

I think we were just so tight knit and I didn't feel as a parent that we were trying to hold up a name, but our kids did. Scarlett, let me, let me tap into something. I think you just mentioned and specifically in the book, joy will come. You talk about the scrapbook analogy. Yes.

Because I think a lot of moms are going to identify with it, especially Christian moms. I'm thinking my wife, Jean, and, you know, you're just trying so hard to be perfect. Yes.

You know, so you scrapbook and you get the pages and the pictures and you got them on the wall and you're paying $14 million a page to do that scrapbooking by the way, which us husbands go, what, how much are we paying for a scrapbook? But I get it. And I mean, so many of the listeners understand that too.

Yes. So I would say probably my number one job in my life that I felt responsible for was being a great mom, a great wife too. But this motherhood thing was, it was the most important thing to me, I feel like. And so the scrapbook analogy was just a feeling of here I've been handed this little girl, Lindsay, you know, 18 years before and put bows in her hair and taught her to brush your teeth and taught her about Jesus and memorized her love languages and tried to get it all down just right. And then you turn the page and they're growing up and she's doing, you know, taking her to Sunday school and enjoying who she is. But I felt like I got to the point where she announced she was pregnant within that next week.

I felt like I had left my whole project out in the rain. It was almost like I had grabbed my scrapbook figuratively, you know, as an analogy here that Lindsay's life now what, and not that I was labeling her as the pregnant teenager, but now what? The plans for, okay, did they get married? Is she going to get married? Is she going to go off to college?

You know, I had things kind of going down the road that I thought was great. You know, like they were first grade, they hold up the sign. This is what we do in Tulsa anyway. They hold up the sign in front of the front door, first grade, and you get their picture, second grade, their picture, and you're watching them grow. But I didn't picture senior year pregnant.

That just never crossed my mind. And so the scrapbook analogy is just kind of seeing those pages look like all the dreams I had for her. Well, and to go a little further in that direction, you had that startling realization that maybe you had made idols out of your kids.

Speak to this because so many moms are going to say, that's me. Yes. And I will tell you, I did not know that. That's what's so interesting. Because moms don't know how much they idolize their kids. Yes. And it's all for a good cause we think, you know, that's a good thing to be a loving mom, but even good things can become an idol.

They're almost sneakier that way I think. What's that boundary line? I mean, you're saying it, but help me.

I don't quite get it. When do I cross the line to creating an idol out of my child? When I look back at it, I think it came down to, I love God. I love the Lord. I'm spending time, you know, in the Bible, but if my kid has a school project, I will get back to God. I mean, in other words, I got to stay up till 3 AM, get the school project done when in my heart and in my spirit, I can feel the Lord drawing me to, Hey, come away with me.

Let's spend some time together. And the only way I can explain it as you're reading the word, you're spending time with the Lord, you're putting him first. Also it unraveled some of my identity. I'm a good mom. So that was part of my identity. These kids, you can make them all about them, especially I think in our society now with Instagram and all the postings and they have their own hashtags and I'm not, I'm not slamming on anybody, but I think as mamas, we need to be real careful because nothing can come before our relationship with the Lord.

Yeah. This area, I'm going to ask a couple of really sensitive questions, and I appreciate your honesty toward each other. You've obviously gone through this and process it. So I'm not shocking you by this, but, um, Lindsey, you say the pressure to be the perfect Christian girl and made you vulnerable. All of us parents just went, what, what? Cause we don't understand.

We're not grabbing that. And looking back, um, was there anything anyone could have done differently? And what sets you up? You use the story in the book about giving the stars for achievement. That's something we've talked about here at focus a lot.

You know, we think that's a good thing. You know, put a star when you hit the mark and you do your chores and that's a good thing. How did the star chart play into this about this idea of perfection?

Yeah, I think really what it boiled down to was, um, there were such a standard and there was such a place that you had to achieve. You had to get all your check marks, you had to get all your stars to be the good daughter. And there was rewards. If you do this, then you get this reward. If you do this, if you don't do that, you don't get your star.

You don't get your reward. So it felt like my love with my parents was tangent on if I met all the check marks, if I did everything right, my parents would love me. And then it went back to at church. Why are you guys reading your Bibles every morning?

Are you praying every morning? Are you just, well, if I don't read my Bible this morning that God doesn't love me today. And I started to really interpret it. If I don't hit all the check marks in every area of my life, then I am unlovable.

And so when I started to believe those lies and get into that isolation, then when I started to make decisions out of, well, I'm not going to be perfect anyway, so I might as well do whatever I want. And I kind of moved, kind of swung a little too far. Because you couldn't hit the mark. Yeah, there was, I couldn't hit the mark.

I could never achieve. So I'll just go ahead and swing. This person seems to love me.

So we'll go ahead and swing this way. And then it turns into, well, now everybody thinks I'm still getting all my check marks, so I can't go get help. I can't go to the church because they think I'm a good Christian girl. If they only knew, then God would definitely not love me. I could never show up at church. If my parents knew, they would disown me.

They would never, you know, allow me to see this person anymore. It turned into, I had a facade of, yes, I'm perfect. So now I can no longer get help because there's no authenticity in who I am. Well, you're really on it. And again, I appreciate the thoughtfulness in which you're saying this. And I think all of us as parents, Scarlett, don't feel guilty. We're all doing it. I'm like, ouch, I thought this way, right? We're all doing it.

But yeah, how do you react to that? Right. Because our way of thinking still was obedience has rewards, right?

Like you do it God's way and you have this great life. So one plus one equals two. And that's true. Right. But there has to be a human factor in there too that somehow we missed. The grace factor, honestly, when it comes to God. And free will too.

I think that plays into it too. There's some free will. These are, our children are not robots. But yeah, go ahead. Well, I was just going to say, help me. I mean, I've got a 17 year old at home, so now I'm all anxious. Right?

No, seriously though. But on behalf of all the listeners, what can we do as parents? And really from both of your perspectives now that you've learned, when we're putting the stars up there and we're giving the accolades and we're making it a very performance-based relationship, how do we augment that? What could have been done, in your opinion, to help us to do a little better job of talking about God's grace?

I think the candidness. This is something I think about when I'm going to be, you know, raising children in the future is what will I personally do differently? And I think that's the candidness of, yeah, even mom and dad make mistakes. Even mom and dad sin.

Yep, mom told a lie the other day and it really wasn't great. Here's how it made me feel and here's, you know, kind of letting your children learn from you even when you're, you know, being ugly and not in sin. Let your kids see the different areas. Talk to them about what you struggled with and validate and make it a conversation. And here's, you're not isolated.

I get it. I used to be a teenager. You know, having those conversations of let's be open and let's all talk about this and I think about it from a parent standpoint and even from the church standpoint, we need to be okay to say from the pulpit, yeah, I'm the pastor and I still make mistakes and I still sin and I still fall short but God's grace is constantly there.

You can always come back home. We always have open arms and I think just some candidness because to be honest, as I'm an adult and I hear things more now about my parents and, you know, shortcomings that they've had in the past, it's like, why didn't you say something? Like, oh my goodness and it was crazy when people found out I was pregnant about how many of my friends' moms and older, you know, Christian women in my life said, that happened to me too or I struggled with that too or I've walked that too and I'm like, where were you when I was struggling in my sin? Why were we not having these discussions when you could have helped stop and prevent me from getting to the point where you've now felt that hurt too? And so that was a long roundabout answer. No, that's really helpful. That authenticity is what I hear you saying. Authenticity, yes.

And yet the, you know, the thing is we want to project this perfection because we want you to live up to it. Yes. That's the bottom line. Yep.

Now this is a horrible trap for you. I mean, it's vicious. How low did that get bouncing between living this dual life of they don't know what I've done or what I'm doing, which was having sex with your boyfriend versus winning the stars and doing all the things to win you accolades about your Christian life.

Yeah. I mean, wow, did you, what was your lowest point in that regard? I mean, I think the leading all up to it. I mean, that was, it was something that ate me alive from the moment that I made the first decision to, you know, move into that type of relationship. I mean, it was something to where I would practice lies in the car before I got home so that I could be candid to my parents on what I actually did that night. I got to that point where I'm like, well, I have to make sure even my lies sound good so they believe me. And I just, I mean, my self worth was completely deteriorated.

I kept having those thoughts of Lindsey, what are you doing? This is not who you are. You need to, you know, it was the Holy Spirit. I know that now saying to me, come on girl, like you, you know better than this. And then it just turned into, I'm just too far gone.

That it just is what it is. There's, there's no saving me at this point. And I'll just get through, you know, high school. I'll leave my parents' house. I'll then live my own life and we'll go from there. If I come back to God, I do. If I don't, you know, it just was a, it was just rock bottom.

So I'm sure some women are saying you could make this problem disappear. Yep. Yeah. Quietly. Yeah. You didn't have to be that embarrassed girl or that embarrassed family. Yeah.

And I want to talk to you about that, but just so we don't leave people wondering, what did you do? You did not abort the child. Correct.

I chose life for my daughter and placed her for adoption. And we want to come back next time and talk about that aspect of the story because it's equally intriguing. Yeah.

There's so many elements to this. It ended up being a family member. Yeah. And we're going to bring her in and talk with her next time about the solution and how you guys work through this. And here's the question I really wanted to hit. And again, if a family has just gone through this, or if you're even unaware, mom and dad, you're about to go through this.

Sin has a way of working itself and for the Lord using it for his and for our good. Yes. That's the thing we don't always embrace because I'm hearing the two of you interact right now watching you. You're in a good place. Oh, definitely.

I think better than before the pregnancy in my husband too. But it doesn't mean encourage your daughter to go get pregnant. Right.

Don't. That's not the point at all. But the point of it is this life has and magnifies our shortcomings. Yeah. But God can use that like he did in David's life. Yes.

King David. Oh, yeah. To be more than what he was in that moment.

And that's what I see in you guys that the Lord has used this and used it in your life. So you can actually be closer to him. Yes. Absolutely. Bolder for him.

A warrior, spiritually speaking, for him. Does that resonate? Yes. We are a stronger family because- Oh, the Pepin family is actually stronger now. We are stronger.

We're more real. Have a testimony and an absolutely beautiful granddaughter. Yes. Well, we're going to come back and talk about that and the solutions that you struggled through next time. Can you stick with us? Definitely.

Let's get to it. Be sure to tune in next time for this Best of 2020 Focus on the Family broadcast. We'll continue the conversation with Scarlett and Lindsey, and Kinley's adoptive mom will join the conversation as well. And John, I so appreciate the reminder that if we invite God into our mistakes, challenges, and hard times, he can make us and our family stronger than ever before.

That's the point. It's great to remember here at the end of such a challenging year. Families in crisis, struggling parents, couples on the verge of divorce, thousands of families have reached out to us in the past months who are desperately longing for the hope of Jesus. And this Christmas, you can be a conduit for that hope. We need your support here to continue providing life-changing spiritual help to hurting families. Please join our support team, and when you give, we'll send you a copy of Lindsey and Scarlett's book, Joy Will Come, Exchange Shame for Redemption, as our way of saying thank you. Yeah, we're listener supported, and you can join that support team when you call 800-AFAMILY or donate and get the book. We'll have links in the episode notes. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we continue the conversation and, once more, help you and your family thrive in Christ.