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aioclub.org slash radio. I noticed in some airports, there are, in a lot of airports, there are luggage stores. Luggage stores and airports. I'm looking around, looks like everybody's got luggage taken care of. Never seen a guy with an arm full of clothes. Man, I wish I had some kind of container. Maybe with a zipper and a pulley thing.
Don't know if they make those yet. Welcome to today's broadcast. We're going to share some great humor to brighten your day. This is Focus on the Family with your host, Focus President Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, we've covered some pretty heavy subjects on the broadcast recently, so I thought it'd be great to lighten things up by featuring one of my favorite comedians, Mr. Tim Hawkins. Tim does comedy shows in about a hundred cities a year, but you might know him from YouTube, where his work has received over 300 million views. That's pretty amazing, and best of all, he keeps things clean. He doesn't go into the gutter like so many comedians do. Well, that's right, and he's actually a homeschooling father of four, and I'm sure that gives him really good material. No doubt. And Tim is a way of finding the humor in some of the more stressful situations of life, and I hope he will inspire you to look at the stress in your life in a different way. And maybe after today, you can find the humor there too.
Here now is Tim Hawkins from his DVD called Full Range of Motion on today's episode of Focus on the Family. Well, I mean, we're actually building a new home. We moved. We're building a house, and it's going really well, and when I say it's going really well, I mean, they're just nickel and diming us to death, people. You know how it goes? You're just like, home's starting in the 200s.
We're in the 500s now. They just don't tell you certain things. We're sitting down with a builder lady, you know, she's at her keyboard. She's like, okay, um, thanks for coming just today. I just want to sit you down and go over some of the options, some of the upgrades for your house. You don't have to do this.
You don't have to. They're options. Why are my fingers doing this? I have no idea.
I'm a bird or an angel. She goes, okay, um, let's see here. Just throw some out here. Just see if you want them.
Let's see. Are you going to be wanting doors? Yeah, that's a good, I would too. I would too.
Running water? Is that something you want too? Yeah, yeah, me too.
A lot of the younger couples are getting that. Yeah, flew into Dallas, got me a rent-a-car. Of course, in Dallas, who built Dallas?
I want to know that, really. It's like, let's let the people move here, then we'll build the roads. Yeah, that's a great idea. You guys got bridges everywhere here and bridges all over the place. I saw one, I don't know where, like about 35, the bridge just stopped right in midair. You guys say off-ramp, you ain't kidding. He's off the ramp now. It's beautiful.
Sparks and metal flew. But I got my rent-a-car in Dallas, you know, I had the GPS, tells you what to do. That's beautiful.
It's so nice. Driving along. Turn left now. Turn right up ahead. Turn around and go the other way. Then I get into Dallas. You're on your own.
Your guess is as good as mine. Good luck and may the force be with you, Luke. I love the GPS. And when you make a wrong turn, do something bad, it's like recomputing. Recomputing. Not, you moron. No, you idiot. No.
Recomputing. Love that. I want life GPS. That's what I want. You know, just tell me what to do with my life. Your fly is down. Purchase gum.
Your breath smells like a sewer. But what we need is marriage GPS, guys. Marriage GPS.
Wouldn't that be awesome? Tell us what to do. Guys don't know. Say something about her hair.
Hey, what's up with your hair? Recomputing. GPS, though. That's funny. I love the GPS.
It's really cool. They used to have redneck GPS. Turn left at Walgreens.
You're going to see a pit bull and a go-kart. But just keep it going. No, you went up. We're doing it again.
We're doing it again. You need GPS. You ever been, I mean, because you ask people for directions, you know, and they don't, you know, a lot of people, they just don't know. You ever been in a small town, you have no idea how to get anywhere. You ask some old guy for directions. Hey, how do I get to the mall? From here?
No, from Pakistan. I was going to start from there. I think we have too much technology.
I don't know if you guys have seen this. The Quattro razor for men. Four blades. Four. It's too much.
I got one. It's like the first blade grabs the hair. The second blade grabs the hair a little bit lower. Third blade chops the hair off at the root. The fourth blade takes a hunk out of your cheek.
About the size of a teabag. Why don't they have a fifth blade? Put me out of my misery. Lazy technology. The electric toothbrush.
That always made me laugh. The electric toothbrush. What is brushing your teeth to?
Strenuous and exercise for some people. You got people going. Man, I am really feeling the burn here. Wish this thing had a motor on it. Why don't you just have electric deodorant? Like some people have, they have a rubber grip on their toothbrush.
Brushing your teeth too fast there? I need to get some stick'em or something. The last year for Christmas, I got the laziest gift for my kids.
They got me an alarm clock that projects the time onto the ceiling. Because y'all know how hard it is to go. No, no. This has got to stop right here.
I need a Red Bull. This is taking it all out of me. You ever live with somebody that's lazy?
Isn't that fun? Living with a lazy person. My brother was the laziest individual in the world. My older brother.
You just saw him. He's a guy, he would never throw the milk jug away. He'd empty out a milk jug, put it right back in the fridge. I'm like, dude, throw the thing away. Nothing in it. There's stuff in there. There's still milk in there.
So I get out to the light. I'm like, hmm. You mean that thin glaze at the bottom there?
Hoss? Oh, that's perfect. Because I was going to have a cornflake later. Yeah. And this is going to get it nice and soggy.
The luck is mine. Lazy folks. We are all lazy. You guys ever be putting gas in your car? And you know that little latch, that little kickstand that holds the thingy? Don't you hate it when that's broke? Don't you hate it?
Doesn't that just ruin your day? You're there going, oh no! I got to hold it now? Come on!
What are we in the middle ages? Let's go! I'm getting carpal tunnel over here. I want to sit in the car while it was pumping.
Listen to my motivational tapes. That ain't happening. Pumping gas, man. You guys ever prepay your gas? You give them like 10 bucks and they set the pump for you? Boy, that goes real fast until that last gallon for some reason.
What's that all about? You're like, $1, $2, $3, $4, $5, $6, $7, $8, $9, $9.91 cents? $9.91 and a half?
One and a half? I'm like, keep your eight cents. I got things to do.
I was in Florida not too long ago. I saw a sign on the gas pump that said, do not siphon gas with your mouth. You need that sign.
Can you see some old boy one time, you know, just putting his gas in, hmm. Well, put my card in. Flick that little switch. Flick that little switch. Maybe I need to start siphoning the gas with my mouth. Seems to be the next logical step. Need me to start sucking on the end of this nozzle. Keep flowing.
Do not try this at home. Y'all ever seen these commercials for these pills, this medication you take? It's like one pill for one thing, but they list like a hundred side effects.
Just like they're just scrolling for a minute. And you're thinking, is that really a good trade? That can't be a good trade. You got people going, well, I can take the headaches, nausea, and vomiting. It'll make my elbow feel better. It's really worth it. It is. I mean, I've been taking it. I can move it around, play with the kids.
I got full range of motion here. Crazy. I was watching the cartoon network with my kids recently. I saw a commercial like that. It was a pill for bladder control issues on the cartoon network. Bladder control pill. You know what the first side effect was?
Diarrhea. Like, no thanks. I'll take the lesser of two evils just now. Yeah, I'll mull that one over.
Now I'll play the hand that fate has dealt me. Yeah, you go. Yeah. I noticed there's this woman's clothing store.
I see a lot around here. Woman's clothing store. The actual name of the store is the dress barn. The dress barn. That's the best name you could come up with there.
That's the one you want to go with. I don't think I've ever taken my wife to a place called the dress barn. Let's go to the dress barn.
Recomputing. Sorry. Dress barn. What are the people like that work at the dress barn?
Can I help? Yeah, that blouse is right over here. Yeah. It's only 20.
It's the dress barn. But now I got three kids of my own. And, uh, it's like you try to give them good advice. You know, I try. I'm trying.
I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes parents would just fail at advice. I remember my mom when I was a kid. She used to give me good advice too late. Think about it. Good advice too late. Like when I was a kid, I hit my head on the corner of the table. Careful. Boy, I'm sure glad you were there hoss.
Who knows what would have happened, Nostradamus? Moms are a big help when you lose something. Aren't they? Your mom is just not a help at all. And mom, I can't find my wallet. Well, it's gotta be somewhere. It's like, that's good. I thought I was going crazy for a minute. I thought I was looking for something that didn't exist. Thank you. And then they go, where'd you leave it last?
You're good. Thanks, captain obvious. I was on a totally different track.
I was looking where I left it. Mom was the worst nurse in the world. Some women as parents and mothers, they just don't, you do the same thing.
No matter what's wrong with the kid, you tell them do the same thing. Some of you ladies look ladies, Vicks, vapor rub does not cure everything. Vicks vapor rub does not cure everything. Rub some Vicks on it.
Okay. It's bleeding. You guys ever, you know, you go to bed, your mom puts that Vicks vapor rub on your chest all over. Wasn't that the longest night of your life? I think I'm at Woodstock. My kids are crazy though, man. They're nuts. I tell you, I love them to death.
They're just nuts. I mean, I got a little boy. He's just like, he's little and just crazy. I was walking down the stairs one time and I saw him eating a milk bone dog biscuit.
He's my third child. So I let him. Yeah. You parents know exactly what I'm talking about. You do. It's not that you don't love them as much. You just don't care about certain things.
You're just a little more lackadaisical about certain issues. Eating a milk bone, I'm like, sure, go ahead. Eat the thing.
It's probably good for his teeth. Look at that shiny coat. Look at that.
He's beautiful. Get the Frisbee. Go get the Frisbee. Get the Frisbee. Go get the Frisbee.
Get the Frisbee. I don't know. My three, you know, when my son was three, he's like, he boys, they just make up games. Like they want to hurt themselves.
They do. I'm like out in the backyard. One time my son comes out. Hey dad, throw that brick at me and see if I can get out of the way. It's called dodge brick.
It's great. Fling one right at my head. And don't tell me when you throw it. I'll try to listen for the win.
He's my third child. Don't you judge me. Because it wasn't until that brick left my hand. I was thinking, this is probably not a good idea. Careful. Don't sit on the pot, son. I don't know why. Just do it. I got some vids.
I'll be right back. I do a lot of comedy in churches though. I go to some really cool churches and some really messed up ones. No offense. No offense. No offense.
I do. See, if you're not a Christian here, I mean, that's cool. We're glad you're here, but we, you know, Christians, they use language sometimes and like, like code. It's like, it doesn't mean what we're saying. We have this, this phrase, servant's heart. You ever hear that phrase? Servant's heart.
Hear that all the time. Tim, you got a servant's heart, dude. You have got a servant's heart. See, I hate it when somebody says I got a servant's heart.
That means they want me to start stacking chairs. You know. A lot of the way people talk about their church, it's like a code, you know, it's another code. If you hear someone say about a place, I love it there.
I love the music there. Well, that means the preaching stinks. That's what that is. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, you know where I'm going with this. They say, I love the music. Well, I love the preaching.
That means the music stinks. You hear somebody say about a place, I love it there. No one judges me. And I can be who I want to be. You're at a bar.
That's where you are. Keeping it real, folks. Keeping it real. I think the way we pray is, prayer is a powerful thing, but I think when you grow up in church, it's just you hear prayers all the time in different styles and stuff and little quirks that people have when they pray. I don't know, little phrases that I don't understand to this day, but we use the phrases, but that's just what we heard growing up. We think that's just the right thing to say when we pray, you know, like hedge of protection. You ever hear that?
Hear that a lot. We are praying a hedge of protection around you, buddy. That's right, a hedge. Around you and your whole family.
Around you and your whole family. The hedge, huh? I don't mean to complain. Is that the best you can do? How about a thick cement wall with some razor wire on top of that bad boy? To protect a good set of clippers, get right through that thing. I'm sure the devil's got a set of those. I mean, you think a hedge is going to scare the devil away?
What is this greenery? I can't get through that. Move that bush.
My greatest weakness is landscaping. How do they know? That's how the devil walks like this. Whoa. He has a pointy tail. He doesn't want to step on his tail.
And he talks like a game show host. Fantastic. You get the turtle wax. Forget the last 30 seconds ever happened in your life, I know. Some people, like when they pray, they get nervous and they're like, just too much. You know, you're praying in small groups and it's like, Lord, I just, I just, we just, we just come to you just in the spirit of just, we just, just in justliness and justification. And just, we just, and we just, and you're like, just finish the prayer. You're just not ready for this. Start stacking chairs.
Come back next week and try again. My dad does this when he prays. He uses father way too much when he prays. Father, we come to you father in the spirit of father. Father, you are father. We come to you father.
Father, just just, father, father, just just just, father, father. You don't talk to your friends like that. Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. He wouldn't be your Ed Ed Ed Ed Ed Ed Ed Ed Ed Ooo Ed Ed Ed Ed Ed Ed He wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that. Like he keeps saying Ed.
My name is Joe. The best though is the way, people, while they pray over food. That's the funniest. When we pray over food, we don't know why we say You ever heard this one? Lord bless this food and the hands that prepared it. The hands that prepared it. Why not the whole body? No.
Just the hands. It's like Jurassic Park. I love this one over food. Sometimes we pray over food and ask God to make up for our bad choices when we eat.
That's funny. Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. Lord, bless this bag of Cheetos. Let this jumbo Dr. Pepper Lord somehow make this nourish us in some way. I don't know how you're going to do it, Father, but we're just trusting you now. Father, change the molecular structure of this food. This complete trash we're about to shove in our gullet. Change the Cheeto into a carrot stick on the way down. Spirit of low carb, rain down on me now. I pray a hedge of protection around my pancreas, Lord.
Right now. Intervene. Thank you. Well, we're going to have to end right there. I'm so sorry to say this has been a great message from Tim Hawkins on Focus on the Family. And Jim, I think we've all been right where he was. We sure have, John.
And more times than I can count. And I hope Tim's message has helped you unwind a little bit and have a good laugh. Before we wrap up today, I just want to remind you that Focus on the Family is listener supported. We rely on your gifts to stay on the air. So if you benefit from our program with laughter, would you please consider supporting us today? Let me bring you just one statistic that really matters. In the past year, Focus on the Family helped over 300,000 people dedicate or rededicate their lives to Jesus Christ.
That's 800 people a day. And that's an impact of eternal value. So please partner with us as we share the hope of Christ with families who really need it. And when you make a donation of any amount, I'd like to send you the DVD of this message from Tim Hawkins with lots of extra content, including some song parodies that Tim does so well. I know you're going to enjoy it. And right now, some generous friends of the ministry are offering to double your donation so that it has twice the impact.
So take advantage of that offer today. Yeah, and that DVD again is called Full Range of Motion. And we've got details about it in the episode notes. And when you get in touch, make sure you donate to the work of Focus on the Family and request that DVD. And when you're online with us, look for a video segment of a conversation we had with Tim Hawkins on his last visit to our studios. And then next time on this broadcast, we're going to turn a corner to a very serious topic as we hear from best selling author and speaker Lisa Turkhurst. She'll share about finding hope during a very difficult time in her marriage.
I was the only one who held on to any hope at the end that my marriage was going to make it. And the thing that I kept saying to myself, Jim, is I'm just going to leave a little bit more room for God to move. And on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast.
And please take a moment, give us a rating at Apple podcast or wherever you listen and share about this episode with a friend who could use a laugh today. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Life was fragile in the Old West. A trust in God, reliance on prayer and a love of family were necessities for a perilous journey.
And that's still true today. Artist Morgan Weisling captures these timeless themes in his new special edition, Sign G Clay from Focus on the Family. Morgan calls it a prayer for new life, a reminder of the sanctity of life in the harsh environments of this world. It will find a special place in your home for a limited time. You can get this special edition print at Focus on the Family dot com slash prayer for life.
Whisper: medium.en / 2024-01-27 13:32:18 / 2024-01-27 13:44:10 / 12